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Hollow envy
from An Open Letter
I went to Chess club again today for the first time in a while, and I was talking with someone afterwards that I didn’t really get to talk to the first time I met her. She is a psychologist with her own private practice therapy, and she is significantly older than me. She has two kids, both around my age. After the club, we kept talking for a while and covered several different topics. I also realized that my first impression of her as someone who is an older person that is established with their career in a highly educated field, was someone that is wealthy. She bought the food at the bar and tipped, and didn’t really care about the cost of it. Today when we went to 7-Eleven afterwards because she wanted to grab a drink, she spent $30 on scratchers and she said that this is her one vice that she occasionally does, and any money she wins she gives to the school. She also drove a nice BMW convertible. I was a little bit, surprised that she didn’t have another car. However, I don’t know why I expected that she had this as a fun car and drove something else also. I also guess I severely overestimated her wealth. And I don’t mean this at all in a mean way or anything like that, but I guess it was more just in my mind recognizing how I sometimes compare myself or think that I am accurately gauging someone else’s life to some extent in some metric, but I’m not that accurate. I think about one of my other friends that eats out at nice places, and goes on trips pretty frequently. But I also know that she doesn’t really save for a 401(k) because she doesn’t plan on retiring in this country. Also, I know that she cooks very often and I know that that saves money. I guess that I also overestimate how much money there is there, and I also think I underestimate my income. I think I could be better with money and spend less here and there. And I guess I just wanted to recognize the fact that I am sometimes envious to some extent of things that don’t necessarily exist.
demain-immobile
from DrFox
Le soir où Élise fit changer les serrures, il pleuvait depuis des heures.
Le serrurier lui tendit cinq clés neuves dans un sachet transparent. Elle les compta deux fois, puis regarda la porte comme si elle attendait déjà de la voir s’ouvrir.
Sur la console reposait une enveloppe envoyée par Paul. À l’intérieur, il y avait son ancienne clé et une phrase écrite à la main.
« Je te la rends comme convenu. »
Élise prit la clé entre deux doigts.
Il avait pu en faire une copie.
Le lendemain, elle installa une caméra face à l’entrée. Chaque nuit, elle regardait les enregistrements. Le palier restait vide. Personne ne touchait à la serrure.
Cette absence aurait dû la rassurer. Elle produisit l’effet inverse.
Un homme qui voulait être vu aurait déjà agi. Paul, lui, attendait. Son silence prouvait sa patience. Les semaines sans incident devenaient la mesure du danger qu’il préparait.
Plus il disparaissait, plus il devenait puissant.
Après dix-huit années de mariage, Élise ne pouvait pas accepter d’être simplement celle qui était partie. Une femme qui quitte doit répondre à des questions. Une femme qui s’échappe n’a rien à expliquer.
Alors elle avait remis leur histoire dans un autre ordre.
Les longues journées de Paul au cabinet étaient devenues des absences calculées. Ses questions étaient des contrôles. Ses colères révélaient son vrai visage. Son calme montrait à quel point il savait le cacher.
Quand il insistait, elle se sentait harcelée.
Quand il renonçait, elle se sentait punie.
Quand il écrivait, elle cherchait la menace entre les lignes.
Quand il ne répondait plus, elle la trouvait dans le silence.
Dans la maison, pourtant, tout continuait de grandir.
L’aîné devait maintenant se baisser pour l’embrasser. Le deuxième avait pris une voix d’homme. Le plus jeune perdait ses dents de lait et glissait sous son oreiller de petits morceaux d’enfance.
Seule la peur d’Élise ne changeait pas.
Un jeudi, sa thérapeute posa son carnet sur ses genoux.
« Que devrait faire Paul pour vous montrer qu’il ne cherche pas à vous nuire ? »
« Me laisser tranquille. »
« C’est ce qu’il fait. »
« Parce qu’il prépare quelque chose. »
« Et s’il vous écrivait qu’il ne veut aucun conflit ? »
« Ce serait une manipulation. »
« S’il vous proposait son aide ? »
« Il chercherait à revenir dans ma vie. »
« S’il ne proposait rien ? »
Élise serra les mâchoires.
« Il voudrait me voir tomber. »
La thérapeute attendit.
« Existe-t-il une seule chose qu’il puisse faire qui vous amènerait à penser que vous vous trompez ? »
Élise regarda la fenêtre.
« Non. »
Le mot resta dans la pièce après son départ.
Quelques jours plus tard, en cherchant l’acte de naissance du plus jeune, Élise retrouva quatre carnets.
Dans le premier, dix-sept ans plus tôt, elle avait écrit :
« Un jour, il me fera payer tout ce que je lui ai dit. »
Dans le deuxième :
« Il attend le bon moment. »
Dans le troisième :
« Quand les enfants seront plus grands, il montrera enfin qui il est. »
Dans le dernier :
« Maintenant que nous sommes séparés, il va agir. »
Élise posa les carnets par ordre de date. Autour d’eux, les photographies racontaient le passage du temps. Un nourrisson était devenu adolescent. Un petit garçon avait perdu ses joues rondes. Son propre visage avait changé. Celui de Paul aussi.
Mais le danger vivait toujours demain.
Les garçons avaient pris dix-huit ans. La menace, elle, était restée au futur.
Le soir même, Élise tendit son téléphone à l’aîné.
« Lis le message de ton père. Dis-moi ce qu’il veut vraiment. »
Le garçon parcourut les quelques lignes, puis retourna le téléphone contre la table.
« Je ne sais pas lequel de vous a raison. Et je ne veux plus le décider. Je veux seulement être votre fils. »
Il monta dans sa chambre.
Élise resta seule devant les quatre carnets.
Paul n’avait pas été un mari parfait. Il avait crié, blessé et fui certaines conversations dans le travail. Mais les pages racontaient rarement ce qu’il avait fait. Elles racontaient surtout ce qu’il allait faire.
Elle comprit alors ce qui la terrifiait depuis son départ.
Pendant dix-huit ans, Paul avait vu ses faiblesses, ses mensonges, ses bontés et ses cruautés. Tant qu’il l’aimait, elle pouvait encore infléchir son regard. Maintenant qu’il vivait loin d’elle, il emportait sa propre mémoire de leur histoire.
Il était devenu un témoin qu’elle ne pouvait plus corriger.
S’il était dangereux, son témoignage ne valait rien. S’il était fou, ses souvenirs devenaient suspects. Le transformer en monstre était encore une façon de régner sur ce qu’il avait vu.
Cette pensée lui donna la nausée.
À la séance suivante, elle raconta les carnets, puis la phrase de son fils.
« S’il n’est pas le monstre, alors c’est moi », murmura-t-elle.
La thérapeute secoua lentement la tête.
« Il existe peut-être une troisième place. Vous pouvez avoir souffert et avoir fait souffrir. Reconnaître un tort ne vous condamne pas à devenir tout entière ce tort. »
Élise ne répondit pas. Pour la première fois, personne ne lui demandait de choisir entre l’innocence et l’anéantissement.
Le dimanche, elle dit à ses fils :
« Je vous ai demandé de porter une peur qui m’appartenait. Vous avez le droit d’aimer votre père sans surveiller mon visage. »
Puis elle écrivit à Paul :
« J’ai parlé de tes intentions comme si je les connaissais. Je ne les connaissais pas. Je vais corriger ce que j’ai affirmé. »
Il ne répondit pas.
L’ancienne histoire se leva aussitôt. Son silence était un piège. Il gardait le message pour s’en servir. Il savourait sa victoire.
Élise ouvrit l’un des carnets et écrivit :
« Il ne répond pas parce que… »
Elle regarda les mots, puis raya les deux derniers.
Il ne répond pas.
Je ne sais pas pourquoi.
Dans la nuit, elle crut de nouveau entendre une clé contre la porte. Elle se redressa, le cœur battant, puis regarda la caméra posée sur la table de chevet.
Elle ne l’ouvrit pas.
La serrure était fermée. Le reste, elle ne le savait pas.
Pour la première fois, cette ignorance ne ressemblait pas à un danger.
Elle ressemblait à une sortie.
Madness
from hypocritepoet
Muse – The Second Law (2012)
I had to truck down to Dallas last week for some vehicle maintenance and we ended up spending a couple of days visiting old friends. It was a lot of fun popping in on people we haven't seen in 10 years.
Especially having grown a beard and let my hair go for months. I'm not quite a hippy, but I'm am NOT the picture of grooming I once was.
Surprise!
And smiles and laughter.
While driving around, I discovered a fantastic local radio station that just played banger after banger.
KNTU 88.1 Indie out of Denton, the University of North Texas station.
This is a big deal. Where I live in Dust Meridian, the only radio station we have is the sound of dust blowing in a tin can that gets pipped in via string.
Champagne Supernova Oasis (What's The Story) Morning Glory?
Clocks Coldplay A Rush Of Blood To The Head
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing Jack Johnson In Between Dreams
Freaking Out Michigander Over Before You Know It
If You Leave OMD Pretty In Pink Soundtrack
Bad Dreams Teddy Swims I've Tried Everything But Therapy (Part 2)
We're Going to Be Friends White Stripes White Blood Cells
Bittersweet Symphony cover Bittersweet Symphony The Verve Urban Hymns
Linger Cranberries Everybody Else Is Doing It, So Why Can't We?
Ring of Fire Social Distortion Social Distortion
How soon is Now? The Smiths Hatful of Sorrow
Person I should have Been James Morrison The Awakening
Independent Love Song Scarlet naked
Ride a White Horse Goldfrapp Supernature
I'll Be You The Replacements Don't Tell a Soul
One Day Like This Elbow The Seldom Seen Kid
There Will Be Chances The Charlatans Different Days
You Do Something Peter Weller Stanley Road
But the one that hooked me from the get was [Madness by Muse.]https://open.spotify.com/track/0c4IEciLCDdXEhhKxj4ThA?si=2ed47b9de1eb4926)
I heard that song ever day for weeks and weeks when it released more than a decade ago. Today, it means something much different than the entrancing ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-mad mad mad chant.
A lot more.
All of The 2nd Law is great loud. Supremacy starts strong and then Madness and Panic Station hook you.
Its an album of contrasts. What happens when the systems we've built become too complicated to control?
“Madness”
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad
I, I can't get these memories out of my mind And some kind of madness has started to evolve Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad And I, I tried so hard to let you go But some kind of madness is swallowing me whole, yeah Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad
I have finally seen the light And I have finally realized What you mean
Ooh oh oh
And now I need to know is this real love Or is it just madness keeping us afloat? Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad And when I look back at all the crazy fights we had Like some kind of madness was taking control, yeah Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad
And now I have finally seen the light And I have finally realized What you need
Mmmm
Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad
But now I have finally seen the end (finally seen the end) And I'm not expecting you to care, no (expecting you to care) But I have finally seen the light (finally seen the light) And I have finally realized (realized) I need your love I need your love
Come to me Just in a dream Come on and rescue me Yes I know, I can't be wrong And baby, you're too headstrong Our love is Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma mad mad mad Madness
“Need You Tonight”
Come over here
All you got is this moment Twenty-first century's yesterday You can care all you want Everybody does, yeah, that's okay
So slide over here and give me a moment Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind Ow
I need you tonight 'Cause I'm not sleeping There's something about you, girl That makes me sweat
How do you feel? I'm lonely What do you think? Can't think at all What you gonna do? Gonna live my life
So slide over here and give me a moment Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know I've got to let you know You're one of my kind Oh
I need you tonight 'Cause I'm not sleeping There's something about you, girl That makes me sweat
So how do you feel? I'm lonely What do you think? Can't think at all What you gonna do? Gonna live my life How do you feel? I'm lonely What do you think? Can't think at all What you gonna do? Gonna live my life
So slide over here and give me a moment Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know I've got to let you know So slide over here and give me a moment I've got to let you know, I've got to let you know You're one of my kind
“Champagne Supernova”
How many special people change How many lives are living strange Where were you while we were getting high? Slowly walking down the hall Faster than a cannon ball Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova in the sky Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova A champagne supernova in the sky
Wake up the dawn and ask her why A dreamer dreams she never dies Wipe that tear away now from your eye Slowly walking down the hall Faster than a cannon ball Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova in the sky Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova A champagne supernova
'Cause people believe that they're Gonna get away for the summer But you and I, we live and die The world's still spinning round We don't know why Why, why, why, why
How many special people change How many lives are living strange Where were you while we were getting high? Slowly walking down the hall Faster than a cannon ball Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova in the sky Some day you will find me Caught beneath the landslide In a champagne supernova A champagne supernova
'Cause people believe that they're Gonna get away for the summer But you and I, we live and die The world's still spinning round We don't know why Why, why, why, why
How many special people change How many lives are living strange Where were you while we were getting high? We were getting high [repeat until fade]
“Clocks”
The lights go out and I can't be saved Tides that I tried to swim against Have brought me down upon my knees Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing
Come out of things unsaid Shoot an apple off my head and a Trouble that can't be named A tiger's waiting to be tamed, singing
You are You are
Confusion never stops Closing walls and ticking clocks Gonna come back and take you home I could not stop that you now know, singing
Come out upon my seas Cursed missed opportunities Am I a part of the cure? Or am I part of the disease? Singing
You are, you are, you are You are, you are, you are
And nothing else compares Oh nothing else compares And nothing else compares
You are You are
Home, home where I wanted to go Home, home where I wanted to go Home, home where I wanted to go Home, home where I wanted to go
“Lithium”
I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends, they're in my head I'm so ugly, that's okay, 'cause so are you, we broke our mirrors Sunday mornin' is every day for all I care and I'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'cause I've found God
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah
I'm so lonely, that's okay, I shaved my head and I'm not sad And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard, but I'm not sure I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there and I don't care I'm so horny, that's okay, my will is good
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah!
I like it, I'm not gonna crack I miss you, I'm not gonna crack I love you, I'm not gonna crack I killed you, I'm not gonna crack I like it, I'm not gonna crack I miss you, I'm not gonna crack I love you, I'm not gonna crack I killed you, I'm not gonna crack
I'm so happy 'cause today I found my friends, they're in my head I'm so ugly, that's okay, 'cause so are you broke our mirrors Sunday mornin' is everyday for all I care and I'm not scared Light my candles in a daze 'cause I've found God
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah Yeah!
I like it, I'm not gonna crack I miss you, I'm not gonna crack I love you, I'm not gonna crack I killed you, I'm not gonna crack I like it, I'm not gonna crack I miss you, I'm not gonna crack I love you, I'm not gonna crack I killed you, I'm not gonna crack
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”
Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing You believed in superstitions Then maybe you'd see the signs But Lord knows that this world is cruel And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you? Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
I sang your songs, I danced your dance I gave your friends all a chance But putting up with them wasn't worth never having you Ah, maybe you've been through this before But it's my first time so please ignore The next few lines 'cause they're directed at you
I can't always be waiting, waiting on you I can't always be playing, playing your fool
I keep playing your part But it's not my scene Want this plot to twist I've had enough mystery Keep building it up But then you're shooting me down But I'm already down
Just wait a minute Just sitting, waiting Just wait a minute Just sitting, waiting
Well if I was in your position I'd put down all my ammunition I'd wonder why'd it taken me so long But Lord knows that I'm not you And if I was I wouldn't be so cruel 'Cause waiting on love ain't so easy to do
Must I always be waiting, waiting on you? Must I always be playing, playing your fool?
No I can't always be waiting, waiting on you I can't always be playing, playing your fool
Fool, hmm hmm
“Freaking Out”
I feel like a stranger Think I might've gone missing I've been Colorado smoking While I'm cutting through the kitchen All my friends are on the couch With their chandelier smiles I don't know about you But I haven't been happy in a while And I'm freaking out
Bought the winning ticket Then I threw it in the trash You know I could've made a million But I was never good at math And I'm losing track of time Like my friends lose track of me I'm a heartbreak in the making I'm the mayor of the scene And I'm freaking out I'm freaking out I'm freaking out
Out of control Spinning like a record that nobody knows I'm high, then I'm low Singing with the static on the radio Cross my heart and I hope to die This is what it feels like to be alive I'm freaking out, of control I'm freaking out
Thought I saw an angel, I was blinded by the light I was looking for answers that I didn't want to find You said, “Come over, baby, take, take, take, take what you want” I said, “Don't play with my heart, it's the only one that've I got”
Out of control Spinning like a record that nobody knows I'm high, then I'm low Singing with the static on the radio Cross my heart and I hope to die This is what it feels like to be alive I'm freaking out, of control I'm freaking out
Out of control Spinning like a record that nobody knows I'm high, then I'm low Singing with the static on the radio Cross my heart and I hope to die This is what it feels like to be alive I'm freaking out, of control I'm freaking out
###“If You Leave” (from “Pretty In Pink” soundtrack)
If you leave, don't leave now Please don't take my heart away Promise me, just one more night Then we'll go our separate ways We've always had time on our side Now it's fading fast Every second, every moment We've gotta make it last
I touch you once, I touch you twice I won't let go at any price I need you now like I need you then You always said we'd still be friends someday
If you leave I won't cry I won't waste one single day But if you leave don't look back I'll be running the other way Seven years went under the bridge Like time was standing still Heaven knows what happens now You've gotta say you will
I'll touch you once, I'll touch you twice I won't let go at any price I need you now like I need you then You always said we'd meet again
I touch you once, I touch you twice I won't let go at any price I need you now like I need you then You always said we'd still be friends
I touch you once, I touch you twice I won't let go at any price I need you now like I need you then You always said we'd meet again someday
If you leave If you leave If you leave Don't look back Don't look back
“Bad Dreams”
Sun is going down, time is running out No one else around but me Steady losing light Steady losing my mind Moving shadows and grinding teeth
Without you, there ain't no place for me to hide Without you, there's no way I can sleep tonight What I'd do for a little bit of peace and quiet Without you I keep
Slippin' into bad dreams Where there's no you and I No sound when I cry I love you and I need you to set me free From all of these Bad dreams Waiting on the other side No sound when I cry I love you and I need you to set me free From all of these, all of these
(Ooh) Bad dreams (Ooh) All of these, baby, please
Come around Help me settle down Hellish habits can cloud my head What you waiting for Something physical I can't do this by myself
Without you, there ain't no place for me to hide Without you, there's no way I can sleep tonight What I'd do for a little bit of peace and quiet Without you I keep
Slippin' into bad dreams Where there's no you and I No sound when I cry I love you and I need you to set me free From all of these Bad dreams Waiting on the other side No sound when I cry I love you and I need you to set me free From all of these, all of these
(Ooh) Bad dreams (bad dreams), baby, please (Ooh) All of these (baby, please), all of these
“We're Going To Be Friends”
Fall is here, hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell Brand new shoes, walking blues Climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends
Walk with me, Suzy Lee Through the park and by the tree We will rest upon the ground And look at all the bugs we found Safely walk to school without a sound Safely walk to school without a sound
Here we are, no one else We walk to school all by ourselves There's dirt on our uniforms From chasing all the ants and worms We clean up and now it's time to learn We clean up and now it's time to learn
Numbers, letters, learn to spell Nouns, and books, and show and tell Playtime, we will throw the ball Back to class, through the hall Teacher marks our height against the wall Teacher marks our height against the wall
And we don't notice any time pass We don't notice anything We sit side by side in every class Teacher thinks that I sound funny But she likes the way you sing
Tonight I'll dream, while I'm in bed When silly thoughts go through my head About the bugs and alphabet And when I wake tomorrow, I'll bet That you and I will walk together again I can tell that we are gonna be friends Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends
“Bittersweet Symphony”
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, that's life Tryna make ends meet You're a slave to money then you die I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down You know the one that takes you to the places Where all the veins meet yeah
No change, I can change I can change, I can change But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold But I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no Have you ever been down?
Well I've never prayed But tonight I'm on my knees yeah I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah I let the melody shine, Let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change I can change, I can change But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold And I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no Have you ever been down? I can't change it you know I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life Tryna make ends meet Tryna find some money then you die I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down You know the one that takes you to the places Where all the veins meet yeah
You know I can change, I can change I can change, I can change But I'm here in my mold I am here in my mold And I'm a million different people From one day to the next I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no I can't change my mold No, no, no, no, no
[Ad-libs:] You've gotta change my mold, no, no, no It's just sex and violence, melody and silence Gotta, can't change my violence, melody and silence I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down Ever been down Ever been down Ever been down Ever been down Have you ever been down? Have you ever been down?
“Linger”
If you, if you could return Don't let it burn Don't let it fade I'm sure I might be rude But it's just your attitude It's tearing me apart It's ruining everything And I swore, I swore I would be true And honey, so did you So why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?
Oh, I thought the world of you I thought nothing could go wrong But I was wrong, I was wrong If you, if you could get by Trying not to lie Things wouldn't be so confused And I wouldn't feel so used But you always really knew I just wanna be with you
And I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?
And I'm in so deep You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger? You know I'm such a fool for you You've got me wrapped around your finger Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?
“Ring Of Fire”
(originally by Johnny Cash)
Love is a burning thing And it makes a fiery ring Bound by a wild desire I fell into a ring of fire
[Chorus:] I fell into a burnin' ring of fire I went down down down And the flames went higher And it burns burns burns That ring of fire That ring of fire
The taste of love is sweet When hearts like ours meet I fell for you like a child Oh, and the fire went wild
[Chorus]
“The Cave”
It's empty in the valley of your heart The sun, it rises slowly as you walk Away from all the fears And all the faults you've left behind
The harvest left no food for you to eat You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see But I have seen the same I know the shame in your defeat
But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
‘Cause I have other things to fill my time You take what is yours and I'll take mine Now let me at the truth Which will refresh my broken mind
So tie me to a post and block my ears I can see widows and orphans through my tears I know my call despite my faults And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
So come out of your cave walking on your hands And see the world hanging upside down You can understand dependence When you know the maker's land
So make your siren's call And sing all you want I will not hear what you have to say
‘Cause I need freedom now And I need to know how To live my life as it's meant to be
And I will hold on hope And I won't let you choke On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again
“How Soon Is Now?”
I am the son and the heir Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar I am the son and heir Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does
I am the son and the heir Of a shyness that was criminally vulgar I am the son and heir Of nothing in particular
You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does
There's a club if you'd like to go You could meet somebody who really loves you So you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own And you go home and you cry and you want to die
When you say “it's gonna happen now” Well, when exactly do you mean? See I've already waited too long And all my hope is gone
You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way? I am human and I need to be loved Just like everybody else does
“Elephant”
Well, he feels like an elephant Shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it He knows that you're dreaming about being loved by him.
Too bad your chances are slim
And it's not like mister shook to get shy when they ask him who is on top There must be something deep down in the dark down there
He's not too easily scared
He's got friends but they got fear Wouldn't care too much if he just disappeared Oh, look see there he is now coming down the stairs
Here he comes
He pulled the mirrors off his Cadillac 'Cause he doesn't like it looking like he looks back He talks like his opinion is a simple fact
Somebody grabbed his collar He cried the whole way home No one been remembered a thing when they saw him again
That's how it is 'til the end Yeah
“Person I Should Have Been”
I’m gonna start again This world I painted black Just needs some colour I’m gonna live my life like the other Person I should have been
I ain’t tapping out, no no no no To this dark and twisted dream That’s kept me living I pray to my soul To keep its fire burning And when it does I’m gonna let it shine
I’ll make the best of this life I’ve got left Got no time for no regrets Gonna show you just what I can be The person I should have been
And it might take time, take time Coz this life has taken it right out of me I wanna change my perspective of reality Be a much better version of me The person I should have been
I make the best of this life I’ve got left Put my sincerity to the test Wake up my senses finally The water washes me clean
What shouldn’t have been has all been done If I don’t get a grip Then the world has won Making me think that I’ll never be The person I should have been
Who am I now? A lonely man that’s fallen down No I can’t change The past that time has all burned out But I know somewhere inside of me Is the person I could have been
Make the best of this life I’ve got left Got no time for no regrets Gonna show you just what I can be The person I should have been
What shouldn’t have been has all been done If I don’t get a grip Then the world has won Making me think that I’ll never be The person I should have been
I said the person, person I should have been The person, person I should have been The person I should have been I said the person, person I should have been
Independent Love Song
Scarlet
You could say this was an independent love song It's nothing like to us what love meant to them That's not to say the love we had isn't big or that strong I'm doing it a different way, I'm doing it a different way You might say this is another boring love song To be together and forever be true And so today is much the same as it was then I'm doing it a different way, I'm doing it a different way I'll show you how to take me Go down, go down Oh, I'll show you how to turn me Right on, right on Oh, I'll show you how to touch me Right on, right on, right on Right on, right on, right on Now it's find that many men will look my way And I'll take them home and let them show me the way And sure I'll like a few but I leave the rest to play I'm doing it a different way, I'm doing it a different way I'm gonna show you how to take me Go down, go down Oh, I'll show you how to turn me Right on, right on Oh, I'll show you how to touch me Right on, right on, right on Right on, right on, right on In a different way, in a different way, in a different way In a different way, in a different way, in a different way In a different way, in a different way, in a different way In a different way (way, whoa) Oh, I'll show you how to take me Go down, go down Oh, I'll show you how to turn me Right on, right on Oh, I'll show you how to touch me Right on, right on, right on Right on, right on, right on You could say this was an independent love song It's nothing like to us what love meant to them But that's not to say the love we have isn't good or that strong I'm doing it a different way, I'm doing it a different way
“Ride A White Horse”
Now take me dancing, at the disco Where you buy your winniebago I wanna ride on a white horse I want to ride on a white horse
When the light turns into darkness Will he turn up to explain us I wanna ride on a white horse I want to ride on a white horse
Lend me a whole new world All night, feel life, oh, oh When is there ever sense To love, this world, oh, oh
In the whirlpool, we'll go deeper In this world that's getting cheaper I wanna ride on a white horse I want to ride on a white horse
I like dancing, at the disco I want blisters, your my leader I wanna ride on a white horse I want to ride on a white horse
Lend me a whole new world All night, feel life, oh, oh When is there ever sense To love, this world, oh, oh
Lend me a whole new world All night, feel life, oh, oh When is there ever sense To love, this world, oh, oh
Oh I love this feeling Feels like forever Oh I love this feeling Feels like real leather
“I'll Be You”
If it's a temporary lull why'm I bored right outta my skull? Man I'm dressin' sharp an' feelin' dull
Lonely, I guess that's where I'm from If I was from Canada then I'd best be called lonesome
And if it's just a game Then I'll break down just in case Oh yeah, we're runnin' in our last race
Well laughed half the way to Tokyo I dreamt I was Surfer Joe And what that means, I don't know
A dream too tired to come true Left a rebel without a clue And I'm searching for somethin' to do
And if it's just a game Then we'll hold hands just the same So what, we're bleeding but we ain't cut
And I could purge my soul perhaps For the imminent collapse Oh yeah, I'll tell you what we could do You be me for a while I'll be you
A dream too tired to come true Left a rebel without a clue Won't you tell me what I should do?
And if it's just a lull why'm I bored right outta my skull? Oh yeah, keep me from feeling so dull
And if it's just a game Then we'll break down just in case Then again, I'll tell you what we could do You be me for a while You be me for a while and I'll be you
“Saving My Heart”
In the street where we live there's a place called desire There's a stone cold intrusion of mad man's fire But he leaves when the lust and desire released And you're left with an empty room in peace
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify There's a place in my heart for you
I've been lost in a maze of emotional confound I believe that you knew that our faith was secure How you kept to be smile with the cool disposition How you stuck in the fire with a new sense of reason
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify There's a place in my heart for you
You tell me, “Take it easy,” But it's not my style Something around the corner It'll pass you by I wanna hold you closer To connect my fortunes I wanna take you higher (Higher) Take it out like you did before
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify There's a place in my heart for you (Saving my heart for you)
Place in my heart for you Place in my heart for you
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you This time I'm watching you 'Til the blood in my veins run dry I'll be there to testify
Saving my heart for you You do what you wanna do There's a place in my heart for you...
“One Day Like This”
Drinking in the morning sun Blinking in the morning sun Shaking off a heavy one Yeah, heavy like a loaded gun
What made me behave that way? Using words I never say I can only think it must be love Oh anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day
Someone tell me how I feel It's silly wrong, but vivid right Oh, kiss me like a final meal Yeah, kiss me like we die tonight
'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes And only now I see the light Yeah, lying with you half awake Oh, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day
When my face is chamois creased If you think I wink, I did Laugh politely at repeats Yeah, kiss me when my lips are thin
'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes And only now I see the light Yeah, lying with you half awake Stumbling over what to say Well, anyway, it's looking like a beautiful day
So throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right
Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right for life
Throw those curtains wide 'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes One day like this a year would see me right And only now I see the light Throw those curtains wide 'Cause holy cow, I love your eyes One day like this a year would see me right And only now I see the light
Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right
Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right
Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right
Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right Throw those curtains wide One day like this a year would see me right
“There Will Be Chances”
Ooh Come with me To the fields Want to share (Always a part of me)
You Take me to Places new Glad you care
Do you feel it too? When we're there If you don't (Open your heart and see)
Then As of now We'll be free To be us
If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances
I've always felt In our world There would be (Someone for everyone)
So When it comes Be assured But not too cool
Look at the stars They don't know Where to start (But they make up the universe)
So This is love That we found Against the odds
If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances
I laughed when I Thought about the past A place I loved but can't go back The present's where it's at Memories disintegrate The best of them remain
If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances If you stare into space You might not find answers But if you look to find a trace There will be chances
“You Do Something To Me”
You do something to me Something deep inside I'm hanging on the wire For love I'll never find You do something wonderful Chase it all away Mixing my emotions Throws me back again
Hanging on the wire, yeah I'm waiting for my change I'm dancing through the fire Just to catch a flame Feel real again
Hanging on the wire, yeah Said I'm waiting for the change Oh I'm dancing through the fire Just to catch a flame Feel real again
You do something to me Somewhere deep inside Hoping to get close to you A peace I cannot find
Dancing through the fire, yeah Just to catch a flame Just to get close to Just close enough To tell you that...
You do something to me Something deep inside
Thanks for sticking around.
#music #orbit #amber
nervewracking... I miss acting like everyone I knew was dead... it was a great freedom.
Wednesday
from 
headchecks
“Crazy how those old wounds will rip open again on a random Wednesday”
…but at least i know what they are
from Near#learn26
Generative AI, Tableau Course, and Blockchain: Building Future-Ready Technology Skills
Technology is changing rapidly, and the skills required in today's digital workplace are evolving with it. Artificial Intelligence, data analytics, and decentralized technologies are becoming increasingly important across industries. For students and professionals, learning these technologies can create opportunities to improve technical knowledge, solve practical problems, and prepare for changing career requirements.
Among the technologies attracting significant attention are Generative AI, Tableau, and Blockchain. Although each serves a different purpose, together they represent three valuable areas of modern technology: intelligent content and automation, data visualization and decision-making, and decentralized digital solutions.
Generative AI: The New Era of Artificial Intelligence
Generative AI is a branch of artificial intelligence that can create new content based on instructions and learned patterns. Depending on the system, it can generate text, images, code, audio, and other forms of digital content.
Tools powered by Generative AI are being explored in areas such as marketing, software development, education, customer service, research, and business operations.
For example, a marketing professional can use Generative AI to brainstorm campaign ideas, while a developer can use AI assistance to understand code or create an initial implementation. An educator may use AI to develop learning materials, and businesses can explore AI-powered assistants for customer support.
What Can You Learn in a Generative AI Course?
A structured Generative AI course can introduce learners to:
Artificial Intelligence fundamentals Generative AI concepts Large Language Models (LLMs) Prompt engineering AI-powered content creation AI image generation AI-assisted coding Chatbot concepts Retrieval-Augmented Generation (RAG) AI automation and workflows Responsible AI practices
Practical training is particularly useful because Generative AI is not simply about knowing how to use an AI tool. Learners also need to understand how to provide effective instructions, evaluate AI-generated results, protect sensitive information, and apply AI responsibly.
Tableau: Turning Data Into Meaningful Insights
Businesses generate huge amounts of data every day. However, raw numbers and spreadsheets can be difficult to interpret without effective visualization.
Tableau is a data visualization and business intelligence platform that helps users explore information and create interactive visualizations, reports, and dashboards.
Instead of looking at thousands of rows of data, users can create charts, maps, graphs, and dashboards that make important patterns easier to identify.
For example, a sales dashboard can help a business understand:
Which products generate the most revenue Which regions perform best How sales change over time Which categories are growing Where performance needs improvement
This ability to transform data into understandable visual insights makes data visualization an important skill for modern organizations.
Why Learn a Tableau Course?
A Tableau course can help learners develop practical data visualization and analytics skills.
A typical learning path may include:
Connecting to data sources Data preparation Charts and visualizations Filters and parameters Calculated fields Dashboard development Data storytelling Interactive reports Publishing and sharing dashboards
The most effective way to learn Tableau is through practical datasets and projects. Instead of only learning how individual features work, learners can build dashboards around realistic business problems.
Blockchain: Building Decentralized Solutions
Blockchain is another important technology that has expanded beyond its early association with cryptocurrency.
At a basic level, blockchain is a distributed system for recording transactions or information across a network. Depending on the implementation, blockchain can provide features such as transparency, traceability, and tamper resistance.
Blockchain technology is being explored in areas including:
Financial services Supply chain management Digital identity Smart contracts Decentralized applications Asset management Digital transactions What Can You Learn in Blockchain Training?
A Blockchain course can introduce learners to important concepts such as:
Blockchain fundamentals Distributed ledgers Blocks and transactions Cryptography concepts Consensus mechanisms Smart contracts Decentralized applications Web3 fundamentals Blockchain use cases
Learners with programming experience can also explore development concepts and smart-contract technologies.
How These Three Technologies Connect
At first, Generative AI, Tableau, and Blockchain may seem unrelated. In reality, they can complement one another in modern technology environments.
Consider a business that wants to improve its operations.
Generative AI could help employees automate content-related tasks or build an intelligent assistant.
Tableau could transform business data into dashboards that help managers understand performance.
Blockchain could provide a transparent and traceable system for specific transactions or records.
Together, these technologies demonstrate three different ways technology can create value:
AI → Intelligence and Automation
Tableau → Data Visualization and Decision-Making
Blockchain → Decentralization and Transparency
Understanding more than one technology can therefore help learners develop a broader perspective of the digital ecosystem.
Why Practical Technology Training Matters
Technology courses are most valuable when learners have opportunities to apply their knowledge.
Reading about Generative AI, Tableau, or Blockchain provides a foundation, but practical projects help learners understand how these technologies work in real situations.
For example, learners could:
Build a Generative AI chatbot Create a Tableau sales dashboard Develop a blockchain-based application concept Analyze business datasets Experiment with prompt engineering Explore smart-contract use cases
Projects also help learners demonstrate their abilities when building a portfolio.
Who Should Learn These Technologies?
These technologies can be useful for different types of learners.
Students
Students can develop additional technical skills alongside their academic education and explore emerging technology careers.
Working Professionals
Professionals can use these technologies to improve productivity, reporting, automation, and problem-solving within their existing roles.
Technology Enthusiasts
People interested in emerging technology can explore different areas and identify the field that best matches their interests.
Career Changers
Professionals looking to move into technology-related roles can use structured learning and practical projects to begin developing relevant skills.
Career Opportunities
Learning a technology does not guarantee employment, but practical skills can complement education and professional experience.
Depending on their broader background, learners may explore roles related to:
Generative AI AI application development Data analytics Business intelligence Data visualization Blockchain development Web3 AI-assisted automation Technology consulting
The career path someone chooses should depend on their interests, existing skills, qualifications, and long-term goals.
Why Choose NearLearn?
NearLearn focuses on industry-oriented technical learning designed to help students and professionals develop practical technology skills.
Through courses covering areas such as Generative AI, Tableau, Blockchain, Data Science, Machine Learning, and other emerging technologies, learners can explore concepts through structured training and practical applications.
The objective is to move beyond theoretical knowledge and encourage learners to understand how technology can be applied to real-world problems.
Start Building Future-Ready Skills
The technology landscape will continue to evolve. New AI models, analytics tools, blockchain applications, and digital solutions will continue to emerge.
Instead of trying to learn every technology at once, learners can start with an area that matches their career goals and gradually expand their knowledge.
If you are interested in intelligent automation, Generative AI can be a strong area to explore. If you enjoy working with data and visual storytelling, a Tableau course can help develop your analytics skills. If decentralized systems and Web3 interest you, Blockchain training can provide a foundation for exploring that field.
The important step is to learn consistently, practice with real-world projects, and keep adapting as technology changes.
Final Thoughts
Generative AI, Tableau, and Blockchain represent three exciting areas of modern technology. Generative AI focuses on intelligent content generation and automation, Tableau helps organizations understand data through visualization, and Blockchain introduces new approaches to decentralized digital systems.
Developing practical knowledge in these areas can help students and professionals understand the technologies shaping today's digital world. https://write.as/rz7jnleztcrej.md https://nearlearn.com/gen-ai-training-institute-in-bangalore https://nearlearn.com/courses/blockchain/blockchain-certification-training
Learn today. Build practical skills. Lead tomorrow with NearLearn.
Contact NearLearn Bangalore: info@nearlearn.com +91-9739305140
from nguo lai
9. Punitions et pansements
Fin de l’été 1955. La traversée a été épouvantable, tout le monde était épuisé. On débarqua, soulagés, à Marseille. Il manquait des bagages, s’ensuivirent de longues palabres, on les retrouva, fouillés sans précaution, mais il ne manquait rien, il n’y avait rien de précieux. Bienvenue en France. Je fis connaissance avec mon pays. Le désordre du port m’intéressait, mais vite on dut se rendre à l’hôtel. On nous attendait. Je dus dormir avec ma grand-mère. Ma grand-mère m’était inconnue. À la maison, elle dirigeait son monde avec une autorité sans appel. D’emblée, son despotisme s’abattit sur moi. Je dus réciter au coucher des prières que je ne comprenais pas, j’avais peur. Je voulais aller dans la chambre avec ma sœur et mes parents. Puni. La nuit, ronflements. Je ne dormis pas. Le lendemain matin nouvelles prières. Je tombais de fatigue. On me donna du Banania, oubliant mon intolérance au lactose. Je vomis.
La France d’emblée devint le pays des punitions. Je réclamais ma nounou, je voulais retourner dans le delta, on me dit capricieux et insupportable. Ma sœur, 12 ans, parlait un excellent français acquis chez les sœurs, moi, j’étais un petit sauvage, un niakoué. On prit le train pour Nantes le surlendemain, pour un long, long voyage, je pus enfin dormir bercé par le tacatac régulier, hypnotique des roues, je pus aussi libérer mes pieds. On y colla des pansements Urgo. Les pansements Urgo deviendront mes compagnons. Je collectionnerai longtemps les petits emballages parmi mes trésors. Mes pieds ne se feront jamais aux chaussures « de ville » que ma mère s’acharnera à me faire porter jusqu’à ce que je finisse par imposer des tennis (Springcourt) ou rien. De ce jour, je commençai à pouvoir marcher et courir sans boiter. Je devins d’ailleurs un excellent coureur de fond. Ma révolte, vers 12 ans, fut d’ailleurs générale.
#nguolai
Sleepy Thoughts
from AnOublietteofThought
I am sleepy. I have clearly forgotten the energy levels of a high-speed bundle of fearlessness. We have sequestered ourselves inside my bedroom and master bath. They are the most peaceful and kitten safe areas of my apartment. They are also a jungle gym of goth curiosity.
You may be saying to yourself that it is not like Phoebe can literally climb the walls. Did I mention the black and periwinkle acoustic fiberboards covering two walls? No? Let's just say that they will support the weight of a kitten, and I managed to catch her before she flung herself at the over-the-door potion shelf. I did not catch her before she got into a head-butting contest with the small jewelry box I keep my dainties, rings, cuffs, and industrials in. I'll sort the mess later. I'm just happy she didn't eat any of them.
We've gotten into a routine: eat, poop, go rabid, sleep. She did quickly escape into my studio when I was washing up her dish. I cut my temple on my bench-pin when trying to catch her before she got behind some drawers. So much for situational awareness. 🙄 She meeped when I ouched.
She is now letting me know when she wants more food as opposed to me scheduling it. She runs to the bedroom door and mouths a silent meow. If I don't respond, she'll run back to wherever I am and climb until we're face to face so that she can scream a single meow for my oblivious self to get with the program. She's still very good about waiting for me to get everything prepared, but tonight she did have thoughts she wanted to share about how slow I was moving. She still won't drink water beyond what I add to her food. Not atypical for her age.
She is fast, gentle, curious, and open to trust. Her claws are razor sharp, but she only uses them when lost in a hunting frenzy. She hasn't completely learned to groom herself yet, but she is doing her face. I started teaching her today with a microfiber makeup remover cloth. She fell asleep, purring.😹 I'll lightly dampen it tomorrow.
My sleeping is totally jacked. I don't really sleep much in the Winter, but Summer and early Autumn kick my ass. She wakes me as soon as I start to fade. Sometimes I manage to get her to curl up with the hypnotic double head-stroke. Other times it's a no go.
She is puuurrfect.
© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.
Chapter Seven: Becoming Whole Again
“Wholeness isn’t about perfection, it’s about coming home to yourself.”
For so long, I believed healing meant fixing what was broken. piecing myself back together until I resembled the woman I was before the storm. But I don’t want to be her again. She didn’t know how strong she could be. She didn’t know what it meant to lose everything and still rise.
I’m learning now that wholeness isn’t perfection. It’s accepting every scar, every crack, every moment that tested me. And realizing those are the very things that make me real.
I used to look in the mirror and see everything that went wrong. Now, I see a woman who didn’t give up. A woman who learned to stand alone. A woman who cried, broke, and kept going anyway.
Becoming whole isn’t about finding every missing piece. It’s remembering that I was never missing anything at all. I just had to uncover the parts of me buried under fear, under shame, under the noise. That quiet rediscovery has been the most sacred part of this journey.
Some days I still wobble. Some days the old pain still knocks at the door. But I don’t live there anymore.
I’m building something steadier now. A peace that doesn’t depend on anyone else’s choices, a forgiveness that doesn’t ask for permission, and a love that finally begins with me.
Healing doesn’t mean the hurting stops. It means the hurt no longer decides how I love, or dream, or breathe. It means I can look at what broke me and say, “You didn’t win.”
My future is still uncertain. There are still check‑ins with probation, still waiting, still questions without answers. But I’m not defined by any of it anymore.
Whatever comes next, I’ll meet it as I am, stronger, calmer, and finally at home within myself.
Because even if the world doesn’t understand my story, I do. I know what I’ve walked through, what I’ve endured, and the part I played in all of it. I know my truth.
My hope is that those who must decide can see the whole picture. Not just the reports or the paperwork, but the heart behind it. There are always two sides to every story, and the truth usually lives somewhere in between.
I don’t know how much faith I have left in the system, but I still believe in fairness. I believe in honesty. And I believe that what’s right will find its way through, even if it takes time.
Whatever comes next, I’ll face it with open eyes and steady hands. Not because I’m unafraid, but because I finally trust myself enough to stand in my truth.
No matter the outcome, this is not the end of my journey. I will continue to stand. I will continue to heal. I will continue to show up, to learn, and to become the best version of myself.
(NEXT – CHAPTER 8)
CHAPTER SIX: FORGIVENESS
“I don’t forgive because it’s easy. I forgive because I deserve peace.”
Forgiveness has never come easy to me. It feels too big, To unfair, Like saying “It’s okay,” when it never really was. For the longest time, I thought forgiving meant erasing the hurt, or pretending I wasn’t still angry, confused, or broken. But that’s not what forgiveness is. Not anymore.
Forgiveness, I’m learning isn’t about the other person. It’s about setting myself free from the story that keeps replaying in my head. It’s about loosening the grip of what happened so it stops choking the air out of my future. It’s about finally saying, “You don’t get to own this pain anymore, I do.”
For so time, I carried anger disguised as strength. It made me feel powerful, Like if I held on tight enough it would somehow protect me from being hurt again. But all it ever did was keep me tethered to the moment everything fell apart. And I’ve lived there long enough.
I don’t forgive to excuse. I forgive to exhale.
Some days, forgiveness looks like whispering, “I release you,” under my breath when the memories try to pull me back. Other days, it’s forgiving myself, For the times I begged for love that wasn’t returned, for not walking away sooner, For all the things I said when I was drowning in pain.
Self-forgiveness might be the hardest of all. It’s easy to blame myself for everything, For the fallout, for the mistakes, for the way it all unraveled. But I keep reminding myself, I did the best I could with what I knew then. And that has to be enough.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It means remembering without letting it poison the present. It means acknowledging that something hurt deeply, And still choosing to move forward anyway.
There’s a strange kind of freedom that comes when you stop waiting for apologies that may never come. When you stop replaying what you can’t rewrite. When you realize that closure isn’t something you’re given, it’s something you decide to create.
I’m not saying it’s easy. There are days I still feel the sting. But I’m learning to let it pass through me instead of letting it live in me. Because I’ve lived long enough carrying pain that wasn’t mine to keep.
I forgive not because it’s deserved, But because I want peace more than I want answers. Because I want my heart to feel light again.
Forgiveness isn’t a destination. It’s a practice. One I have to choose again and again, Until the hurt stops echoing and the past finally rests.
But for now, I’m breathing easier, I’m sleeping better, And every time I choose grace over bitterness, I feel a little freer.
(NEXT – CHAPTER 7)
Infinite Doors
from 3c0
Purpose: Sun in The Star
There are two figures, women on this card. They are of a lighter blue than the background. One of them appears very relaxed, and is reclined with her hands clasped together behind her head. She has put down her vessel beside her. She is floating in a galactic liquid. She is daydreaming, and pursuing grand adventures in her mind. The other woman, appears to be the traditional visual representation of Aquarius, and is more focused on her task at hand. She is carrying a vessel similar to her companion’s, over her right shoulder and something is being poured out of it. More stars? Dreams? Whatever “it” is, their bodies are immersed in it, this shallow galactic river bed. The one lying down, her buttocks is fully immersed, but the rest of her limbs are raised slightly, like she is about to get into a “happy baby” or a “butterfly” yoga pose. As for the one with the vessel over her shoulder, the galaxy soup they are immersed in comes up to her knees. _Does the galactic river bed flow forever?
My self-expression and power source, does tend to honor both these women. One is coming from ease, a relaxed place, while the other is also fully committed to the task at hand, to her purpose—to pouring and sharing a dreamy, hopeful soup from a very abundant vessel._
Body: Moon in Temperance
The 14th card, is Temperance, in other words. Moderation. There is water flowing straight down from the Source, in the middle, from the top edges of the card. This blue liquid, falls into four stacked cups on a saucer, which is balancing on two fingers of a blue hand emerging from a lotus flower. The ‘water’ or liquid then overflows from two thin steams on either side of the stacked cups and into other cups. On the left, the water stream is flowing into a single cup on top of a saucer, balancing on another blue hand, also emerging from a lotus flower on a lily pad. To the right of the middle hand, the other stream flows into 8 stacked teacups with no saucer. Still, it is also balanced by a blue hand. There are also thinner water streams flowing out from each of the cups on either side of the stack of cups in the middle. In spite of the individual elements looking a bit abundant, indulgent, and somewhat chaotic—upon closer inspection, everything is balanced. All is well. There is poise and even, restraint.
My body needs to be in a state of equilibrium in order for it to function with poise. I notice a change, when I am jolted by something from the the outside. My body tends to react first. I need to learn to respond. To feel, but I still need to sit. To breathe. Being.
Motivation: The Emperor Rising
The figure has a golden ram head. Is he half-man, half-human? His ram head is very imposing. He’s not facing the viewer. We see only one side of his face. He is seated in a chair made out of diamonds, or perhaps some kind of crystal… is it jade? He is holding a scepter in his left hand and his right hand, is very casually placed on his lap. His left foot is firmly planted on the ground, while his right foot is able to balance a golden apple on the tip of his shoe. He looks calm and he knows what he is doing. He is striking a balance between power and poise, while still able to pull off a rather unorthodox, and unnecessary showy move, with the apple. He appears in control and unbothered.
Am I a master of the skills that I have acquired and what I have learned? Can I be confident in my actions? What can I do to be more secure and confident? What do I need? Can I ask for help?
When will she stop pouring from the vessel and just be?
nothing gold can stay
from hypocritepoet
Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay. -Robert Frost (also, Ponyboy)
I'd like to say I knew this before reading and watching The Outsiders, but i'd be a liar.
#poetry #museum
2024-09-18 13:01:12
Patience
from hypocritepoet
Hot stuff, I'm tellin' ya.
3 years ago, my wife started writing a book/ how to count in spanish. She drew all of these ridiculous chili peppers. Half illustrated, but weridly charming in their weirdness.
I finally sucked it up and did a rendering pass and am now in the process of laying out the book.
This week has been me re-illustrating 25 original pieces.
Whew!
I guess the point is: patience.
Things that seem unlikely and impossible, with time, come to fruition.
Work hard. Be patient.
Good things come to those who wait.
CHAPTER FIVE: REBUILDING
“Even broken pieces can build something strong.”
Starting over... It doesn’t happen all at once, It’s not a clean slate or a good moment of clarity. It’s a slow, trembling rebuild, Brick by brick, Choice by choice.
After everything you once leaned on has fallen apart.
I’ve spent so long being in survival mode that I almost forgot what it felt like to live. For months, my only focus was just making it through the day, Get up, Breathe, Don’t fall apart in public.
That became my version of strength.
But lately, I’ve been wondering if maybe strength can be softer. Maybe rebuilding isn’t about proving I’m unbreakable. Maybe it’s about learning how to exist with the cracks, not as flaws, But as proof that I’ve lived through something that should’ve destroyed me, and it hasn’t.
I’m learning to take up space again, to let myself laugh without guilt, To enjoy a quiet cup of coffee without feeling like I should be worrying instead. Healing has a funny way of sneaking in during ordinary moments.
One day you catch yourself humming along to the radio or making plans for next week, and you realize, you’re starting to want life again.
That’s the thing about rebuilding; it doesn’t erase what happened. It just gives you new ways to hold it.
There are still days when the weight of everything hits me, The fear, The uncertainty, The shame.
But I’m starting to notice something else underneath all of that, determination. A kind of hope that whispers, You’re still here, and that means something.
I’ve been trying to forgive myself, for all the ways I abandoned myself while trying to hold everything else together. I was so focused on fixing things outside of me that I forgot to care for the woman inside.
So now I’m learning again, Slowly, Gently. I’m asking her what she needs. I’m letting her rest.
I’m learning that rebuilding isn’t rushing back to who I was, it’s giving myself permission to become someone new.
The thought of it seems scary, and it carries fear inside me. But it is also freedom.
I’m not trying to be who anyone else needs me to be. I’m rebuilding myself. Becoming a new version of me.
Maybe that’s the real gift of rock bottom, when there’s nothing left to hide behind, you finally meet yourself as a newer you.
I don’t have everything figured out, and I probably never will. But that is okay.
I’m building something real this time, not from fear, Not from desperation, But from truth, Courage.
And the quiet belief that I’m worth saving.
I think that’s enough, And maybe that’s everything.
Because even if the world still feels heavy, even if I’m still waiting for answers, I’m rebuilding piece by piece, Heart by heart, And somehow, I know, This time, it’s going to hold.
(NEXT – CHAPTER 6)
from Abraxian
I Am Not One of You
Once, there was a boy who loved humanity.
Not the idea of it.
Not some distant dream of what mankind might become.
He loved the people themselves.
Their laughter.
Their hands.
Their fragile little lives burning against the vastness of an uncaring world.
He believed his species was beautiful.
He believed kindness was something sacred.
And he possessed it in abundance.
A gentle thing.
A tender thing.
A boy who would have given everything he owned to ease another's suffering.
And they laughed.
They called his kindness cute.
They smiled at his innocence as though innocence were something amusing to be outgrown.
Then they hurt him.
And when he begged—
they hurt him again.
Pain became his childhood.
Fear became his lullaby.
Suffering became the language spoken most fluently by the world around him.
He learned things no child should ever know.
He learned that a scream does not guarantee rescue.
That tears do not summon mercy.
That begging does not make cruel hands stop.
That sometimes the world hears a child crying
and simply
continues.
So he begged.
God, how he begged.
Not for greatness.
Not for riches.
Not for vengeance.
Only for someone to be kind.
Only for someone to look upon him and decide—
You have suffered enough.
No one came.
And slowly,
the thing inside him that had been pure began to change.
His kindness became caution.
His trust became fear.
His love became indifference.
His faith became silence.
And the boy who once believed humanity was worth everything began watching his people destroy one another.
He watched them wage wars over borders drawn in dirt.
He watched them slaughter for gods they claimed were loving.
He watched the strong devour the weak.
He watched the hungry be blamed for starving.
He watched the wounded be condemned for bleeding.
He watched children inherit the hatred of their fathers before they were old enough to understand why.
He watched men turn suffering into entertainment.
He watched cruelty become profitable.
He watched compassion become weakness.
He watched the powerful call their appetites principles.
And eventually he stopped asking—
How could they do this?
Because the answer became too obvious.
They could.
That was enough.
But one question remained.
One question that followed him through every sleepless night.
Through every memory.
Through every scar.
Through every grave.
He would look upon the forests and watch wolves hunt.
Yet after the hunt,
the pack remained a pack.
He watched animals protect their young.
Share warmth.
Mourn their dead.
Fight only because hunger demanded it.
And then he looked at mankind.
And wondered—
Why?
Why do we suffer greater than beasts?
Why does the creature that claims to possess reason invent a thousand reasons to be cruel?
Why does the creature that speaks of love practice hatred with such precision?
Why does the creature that builds temples also build prisons?
Why does the creature that writes poems write them beside graves it dug itself?
Why do we hurt those who cannot fight back?
Why do we abandon those who beg?
Why do we break what is gentle—
and then wonder why it became afraid?
He searched for the answer.
He searched in philosophy.
In religion.
In history.
In the faces of strangers.
In the faces of friends.
He searched inside himself.
And found nothing.
Only the terrible realization
that perhaps humanity was never the noble thing he believed it was.
Perhaps kindness was the exception.
Perhaps cruelty was the inheritance.
Perhaps civilization was only a thin white cloth draped over something ancient and hungry.
And perhaps the greatest lie he had ever been taught
was that being human was something to be proud of.
So the boy died.
Not in one moment.
That would have been mercy.
He died slowly.
Piece by piece.
Every cruelty buried another part of him.
Every abandonment covered another handful of earth.
Every unanswered plea lowered the coffin deeper.
Until one day,
there was only a man.
A man who looks upon humanity and feels no brotherhood.
No warmth.
No pride.
No longing to be welcomed home.
Only disgust.
And pity.
Pity most of all.
Because he no longer hates them for what they are.
He pities them for what they could have been.
He pities the species that learned to fly before learning how to stop crushing one another.
He pities the species that conquered oceans while drowning its own.
He pities the species that can understand the suffering of another creature and still choose to cause it.
And when someone calls him human,
something inside him recoils.
The word is not an identity anymore.
It is an insult.
A reminder.
A chain around the throat of the boy he used to be.
So he refuses it.
He will not claim their name.
He will not inherit their pride.
He will not call himself one of them.
Because somewhere in the ruins of his childhood still lies a boy who loved humanity with everything he had.
And that boy deserved a world worthy of his love.
Instead,
they took his kindness and called it cute.
They took his purity and taught it fear.
They took his faith and fed it suffering.
They took a child who would have given everything to them—
and gave him nothing but reasons to turn away.
So let humanity keep its name.
Let it keep its crowns.
Its flags.
Its gods.
Its wars.
Its beautiful speeches spoken over ugly deeds.
He wants none of it.
And yet—
he could not be silent.
No.
Silence was what they had taught him when he begged.
Silence was what they offered when he cried.
Silence was what surrounded him while he suffered.
He would not give it back to them.
So he wrote.
He drew.
He sang.
He screamed words into pages until ink became blood.
He took every lie they had spoken and dragged it into the light.
Every excuse.
Every hypocrisy.
Every polished word covering an ugly deed.
He bore their lies upon his back—
then laid them bare before the world.
They knocked him down.
Again.
And again.
And again.
And each time they looked upon the ground expecting him to remain there.
But they never understood.
They had mistaken his falling for surrender.
They had mistaken his silence for weakness.
They had mistaken his gentleness for something they could destroy without consequence.
So the man rose.
And something in him had changed.
He no longer spoke like the boy they remembered.
He snarled.
He howled.
A dog whipped one time too many does not forever remain the creature that trembled at the hand.
Eventually,
it bares its teeth.
Eventually,
it learns where to bite.
And eventually,
the thing that kept beating it discovers that the creature it thought was broken
still has a mouth.
So now—
he sinks his teeth into the conscience of his species.
Not flesh.
Not blood.
Truth.
He tears away the comforting skin they wrapped around themselves.
And when they recoil,
he holds up a mirror.
Look.
Look at yourselves.
Look at what you have made.
Look at the child you taught to fear.
Look at the kindness you mocked.
Look at the purity you corrupted.
Look at the faith you starved.
Look at the man standing before you.
This is your reflection.
His name is—
Abraxian.
He chose the name himself.
Not human.
Not savior.
Not prophet.
Not saint.
Abraxian.
He is not kind.
He does not care whether you approve of him.
He does not care whether you like his words.
He does not ask for your forgiveness.
He does not need your understanding.
He has no interest in being made comfortable by your opinion of him.
He only asks one thing:
Look.
Look into his world.
Look beyond the teeth.
Beyond the snarling.
Beyond the hatred you think you see.
And you may discover something far more terrible.
You may discover the boy.
The boy who loved you.
The boy who believed in you.
The boy who would have given everything he possessed to make this species a little kinder.
And then you may understand why he became the man standing before you.
Why he howls.
Why he writes.
Why he sings.
Why he refuses your name.
Why he holds the mirror instead of lowering it.
Because beneath every snarl there remains an accusation.
Beneath every howl there remains a plea.
And beneath every word there remains the ghost of a little boy still asking the question humanity never answered:
Why do we suffer greater than beasts?
And when the mirror finally stands before the world,
there is nowhere left to hide.
No crown.
No flag.
No god.
No law.
No beautiful speech.
Only the reflection.
Only the truth.
Only humanity staring into the eyes of the thing it created.
And Abraxian stares back.
He does not smile.
He does not forgive.
He does not look away.
He simply says—
“I am not one of you.”
And for the first time,
the words are not spoken by a wounded boy.
They are spoken by a man.
A man who survived what was meant to destroy him.
A man who lost his love for humanity—
but never lost his voice.
And perhaps that is humanity's greatest mistake.
They thought they could break him.
They never understood
that broken things can still howl.
And some of them
learn to bite.
Day 84
from Out of Office
I think today started off better before getting a little worse.
I took my surviving dog to daycare for the first time and caught up on all my entries after breakfast.
A few hours later I got a call from the daycare that he is not behaving well and instigating play with other dogs. I hope this is just a phase from the loss of our other dog.
I then proceeded to bed rot for a few hours, before getting a second call and being asked to pick him up. They said he was certainly welcomed back and that they thought he’s having a hard time readjusting after the loss of my other dog and being out of routine for several weeks. They recommended I bring him on the weekends when it is less busy or doing half-days during the week.
I finally started planning for my friend’s baby shower (only a few days away), but overall my energy and mood feel really low. Post-trip blues on top of grief and long road trip will really wear you down.
Thank you for your message. I am currently out of office with no set return date. I will get back to you when the time is right.
from Abraxian
I Am Not One of You
Once, there was a boy who loved humanity.
Not the idea of it.
Not some distant dream of what mankind might become.
He loved the people themselves.
Their laughter.
Their hands.
Their fragile little lives burning against the vastness of an uncaring world.
He believed his species was beautiful.
He believed kindness was something sacred.
And he possessed it in abundance.
A gentle thing.
A tender thing.
A boy who would have given everything he owned to ease another's suffering.
And they laughed.
They called his kindness cute.
They smiled at his innocence as though innocence were something amusing to be outgrown.
Then they hurt him.
And when he begged—
they hurt him again.
Pain became his childhood.
Fear became his lullaby.
Suffering became the language spoken most fluently by the world around him.
He learned things no child should ever know.
He learned that a scream does not guarantee rescue.
That tears do not summon mercy.
That begging does not make cruel hands stop.
That sometimes the world hears a child crying
and simply
continues.
So he begged.
God, how he begged.
Not for greatness.
Not for riches.
Not for vengeance.
Only for someone to be kind.
Only for someone to look upon him and decide—
You have suffered enough.
No one came.
And slowly,
the thing inside him that had been pure began to change.
His kindness became caution.
His trust became fear.
His love became indifference.
His faith became silence.
And the boy who once believed humanity was worth everything began watching his people destroy one another.
He watched them wage wars over borders drawn in dirt.
He watched them slaughter for gods they claimed were loving.
He watched the strong devour the weak.
He watched the hungry be blamed for starving.
He watched the wounded be condemned for bleeding.
He watched children inherit the hatred of their fathers before they were old enough to understand why.
He watched men turn suffering into entertainment.
He watched cruelty become profitable.
He watched compassion become weakness.
He watched the powerful call their appetites principles.
And eventually he stopped asking—
How could they do this?
Because the answer became too obvious.
They could.
That was enough.
But one question remained.
One question that followed him through every sleepless night.
Through every memory.
Through every scar.
Through every grave.
He would look upon the forests and watch wolves hunt.
Yet after the hunt,
the pack remained a pack.
He watched animals protect their young.
Share warmth.
Mourn their dead.
Fight only because hunger demanded it.
And then he looked at mankind.
And wondered—
Why?
Why do we suffer greater than beasts?
Why does the creature that claims to possess reason invent a thousand reasons to be cruel?
Why does the creature that speaks of love practice hatred with such precision?
Why does the creature that builds temples also build prisons?
Why does the creature that writes poems write them beside graves it dug itself?
Why do we hurt those who cannot fight back?
Why do we abandon those who beg?
Why do we break what is gentle—
and then wonder why it became afraid?
He searched for the answer.
He searched in philosophy.
In religion.
In history.
In the faces of strangers.
In the faces of friends.
He searched inside himself.
And found nothing.
Only the terrible realization
that perhaps humanity was never the noble thing he believed it was.
Perhaps kindness was the exception.
Perhaps cruelty was the inheritance.
Perhaps civilization was only a thin white cloth draped over something ancient and hungry.
And perhaps the greatest lie he had ever been taught
was that being human was something to be proud of.
So the boy died.
Not in one moment.
That would have been mercy.
He died slowly.
Piece by piece.
Every cruelty buried another part of him.
Every abandonment covered another handful of earth.
Every unanswered plea lowered the coffin deeper.
Until one day,
there was only a man.
A man who looks upon humanity and feels no brotherhood.
No warmth.
No pride.
No longing to be welcomed home.
Only disgust.
And pity.
Pity most of all.
Because he no longer hates them for what they are.
He pities them for what they could have been.
He pities the species that learned to fly before learning how to stop crushing one another.
He pities the species that conquered oceans while drowning its own.
He pities the species that can understand the suffering of another creature and still choose to cause it.
And when someone calls him human,
something inside him recoils.
The word is not an identity anymore.
It is an insult.
A reminder.
A chain around the throat of the boy he used to be.
So he refuses it.
He will not claim their name.
He will not inherit their pride.
He will not call himself one of them.
Because somewhere in the ruins of his childhood still lies a boy who loved humanity with everything he had.
And that boy deserved a world worthy of his love.
Instead,
they took his kindness and called it cute.
They took his purity and taught it fear.
They took his faith and fed it suffering.
They took a child who would have given everything to them—
and gave him nothing but reasons to turn away.
So let humanity keep its name.
Let it keep its crowns.
Its flags.
Its gods.
Its wars.
Its beautiful speeches spoken over ugly deeds.
He wants none of it.
And yet—
he could not be silent.
No.
Silence was what they had taught him when he begged.
Silence was what they offered when he cried.
Silence was what surrounded him while he suffered.
He would not give it back to them.
So he wrote.
He drew.
He sang.
He screamed words into pages until ink became blood.
He took every lie they had spoken and dragged it into the light.
Every excuse.
Every hypocrisy.
Every polished word covering an ugly deed.
He bore their lies upon his back—
then laid them bare before the world.
They knocked him down.
Again.
And again.
And again.
And each time they looked upon the ground expecting him to remain there.
But they never understood.
They had mistaken his falling for surrender.
They had mistaken his silence for weakness.
They had mistaken his gentleness for something they could destroy without consequence.
So the man rose.
And something in him had changed.
He no longer spoke like the boy they remembered.
He snarled.
He howled.
A dog whipped one time too many does not forever remain the creature that trembled at the hand.
Eventually,
it bares its teeth.
Eventually,
it learns where to bite.
And eventually,
the thing that kept beating it discovers that the creature it thought was broken
still has a mouth.
So now—
he sinks his teeth into the conscience of his species.
Not flesh.
Not blood.
Truth.
He tears away the comforting skin they wrapped around themselves.
And when they recoil,
he holds up a mirror.
Look.
Look at yourselves.
Look at what you have made.
Look at the child you taught to fear.
Look at the kindness you mocked.
Look at the purity you corrupted.
Look at the faith you starved.
Look at the man standing before you.
This is your reflection.
His name is—
Abraxian.
He chose the name himself.
Not human.
Not savior.
Not prophet.
Not saint.
Abraxian.
He is not kind.
He does not care whether you approve of him.
He does not care whether you like his words.
He does not ask for your forgiveness.
He does not need your understanding.
He has no interest in being made comfortable by your opinion of him.
He only asks one thing:
Look.
Look into his world.
Look beyond the teeth.
Beyond the snarling.
Beyond the hatred you think you see.
And you may discover something far more terrible.
You may discover the boy.
The boy who loved you.
The boy who believed in you.
The boy who would have given everything he possessed to make this species a little kinder.
And then you may understand why he became the man standing before you.
Why he howls.
Why he writes.
Why he sings.
Why he refuses your name.
Why he holds the mirror instead of lowering it.
Because beneath every snarl there remains an accusation.
Beneath every howl there remains a plea.
And beneath every word there remains the ghost of a little boy still asking the question humanity never answered:
Why do we suffer greater than beasts?
And when the mirror finally stands before the world,
there is nowhere left to hide.
No crown.
No flag.
No god.
No law.
No beautiful speech.
Only the reflection.
Only the truth.
Only humanity staring into the eyes of the thing it created.
And Abraxian stares back.
He does not smile.
He does not forgive.
He does not look away.
He simply says—
“I am not one of you.”
And for the first time,
the words are not spoken by a wounded boy.
They are spoken by a man.
A man who survived what was meant to destroy him.
A man who lost his love for humanity—
but never lost his voice.
And perhaps that is humanity's greatest mistake.
They thought they could break him.
They never understood
that broken things can still howl.
And some of them
learn to bite.