Je suis une girouette technologique, je sais. Au début de l'année, dans un billet assez complet, j'ai énuméré les cinq exigences nécessaires à la sélection d'une plateforme de blogue pour un usage personnel. Pour rappel, les voici : 1- Barre de recherche 2- Catégories et mots-clés 3- Abonnement par courriel 4- Format d'écriture Markdown 5- Tarifs raisonnables

Après une recherche assez exhaustive sur le Web, j'avais déterminé que la seule plateforme qui rencontrait ces cinq exigences – de façon imparfaite, je dois le dire – était Silvrback. Je l'ai donc adoptée pendant quatre mois… pour finalement l'abandonner au profit de Write.as.

Pourquoi ?

Bonne question, en fait… En vérité, j'ai choisi Write.as essentiellement pour son adéquation quasi parfaite avec mon application de prise de notes, en l'occurrence Joplin. Ainsi, pour poster un billet dans Write.as, je n'ai qu'à copier une note rédigée dans Joplin (ctrl A) pour la coller (ctrl V) telle quelle dans Write.as. Je n'ai rien à ajouter de plus puisque cette plateforme intègre automatiquement le titre, les paragraphes et les mots clés du billet publié. Par ailleurs, conçue pour les auteurs, Write.as fait montre d'une élégante, d'une beauté esthétique qui se trouve à des années lumière de Silvrback. En effet, l'apparence du blog me convient tellement à l'état brut que je n'ai pas ressenti le besoin de recourir aux thèmes (assez minimalistes, il est vrai) offerts avec l'abonnement payant. Par ailleurs, le mode d'abonnement au blogue s'avère d'une grande qualité. Les abonnés ne reçoivent pas qu'un lien, comme c'était le cas avec Silvback, mais carrément le billet en entier dans la même mise en forme élégante du blogue.

Mais rien n'est parfait…, et pour au moins deux raisons : Write.as ne dispose pas nativement d'une barre de recherche, une fonctionnalité pourtant assez simple dans le milieu du blogging. Et s'il est possible de mettre des mots-clés (pas de grandes rubriques ou catégories, seulement des mots-clés), ils n'apparaissent que dans les billets eux-mêmes, et non dans un espace dédié.

Pour compenser cette absence de fonctionnalités, j'ai créé deux pages à la main que j'ai pu épingler en haut de l'écran. La première consiste à une liste des mots-clés utilisés dans l'ensemble des billets du blogue, et la seconde est une page “archives”, c'est-à-dire une liste des billets classés par ordre chronologique. Ça fonctionne… mais n'empêche que je dois mettre régulièrement à jour ces deux pages, avec les risques d'erreur que suppose la mise à jour sur une base manuelle. Il s'agit d'un irritant qui risque de se transformer en un problème majeur quand les billets vont s'accumuler.

Je suis une girouette technologique, vous ai-je dit d'entrée jeu. Alors, je ne vous cacherai pas que je suis à la recherche d'autres solutions. Je fais même l'essai de WordPress.org en ce moment sur Les mots de la fin, mon site Web principal. Un WordPress que j'essaie d'épurer au maximum de toutes ces extensions (plugins) qui polluent son environnement. Si j'y arrive, je vous le ferai savoir... D'ici là, je continuerai à publier un billet chaque vendredi, comme je le fais depuis le début de l'année.

---

Daniel Ducharme : 2025-07-18 Mots-clés : #blogue #techno

consciente de que era robot

de las circunstancias por las que estaba allí presente

causas y efectos examinando las consecuencias

podría decir no y sostenerlo

aunque perdiera la máquina su identidad

pero no quiso y dijo lo que todos queríamos oír

__ En imagen, de la serie Simple: Profecía. Pintura digital.

Someone asked for my instagram today, and I continued to just be completely honest, unperformative, and trying to make myself laugh wherever I can. It ended up with them saying how bad they wanted me, so I feel like that’s a good sign that I should remember this for the confidence bank lol. I think obviously this is an excessive case, but I do want to be more happy and content with myself where I can be – I know that confidence is one of those things that’s invaluable to have in life so the more of it the better (in moderation of course). That’s kinda funny to say, since both of those things go directly against each other lol. Oh well! To be alive is a beautiful thing.

Dear Appendix,

As I am leaving (Singapore, not the team), many have expressed apprehension about the future of Appendix. These concerns are understandable, and I want to address them through this open letter.

TL;DR: I believe Appendix is in the strongest position it has ever been. I believe that our formal and informal leadership is capable, committed and genuinely caring for the growth and Spirit of our members to grow the team, to grow Beach Ultimate. And, with the last co-founder stepping further out, a space opens for you all to step in and move the team forward the way you deem best. Growth requires change and the goal has always been to teach confidence, commitment, intention and awareness to let everyone shape their own and our growth. Thus, if you care about this team, there is no better time than the present to get involved and help shape the team in its many facets.

I also wish to express my deepest gratitude for all the efforts contributed by everybody, as it has given me so much meaning, growth and joy over all these years.

This said, I’d like to share what I have learned to hold dear about Appendix over the years; what has given me meaning and energy for the team, in the hope that it provides you some clarity, meaning and hopefully energy as well.

Running a team takes energy and—as many—I have had times of feeling drained and frustrated over the years since our inception in 2012. Luckily, different things and people have reminded me at crucial times of the meaning and scale of impact that Appendix has had on SO many people over the years.

1. Duality is our unique selling point and strength Yes, focussing only on beginners or only on a competitive team is much easier, but we wouldn’t be where we are and who we are. We would not exist without being open to beginners, late starters, visitors and other “misfits”. We chose the name “Appendix” as it has represented this aspect of “where the funny stuff goes”. And, specifically, we’re the only open club in Singapore, which provides us with access to new and also experienced players unlike anybody else. Without having a competitive aspect in the team, our players would not grow and a lot of our experienced players would not be around for the others to learn from. As I shared before, I believe we have three main audiences, and each contribute a key aspect to our club to make it work: Newbies, growth players and veterans. Saturdays are great to have people to train together (or alongside each other) while other sessions can be more targeted to the specific audiences.

2. Our core mission is fostering holistic growth With our dual focus and diversity of members, growth must be holistic, not single-dimensional. Diversity is a strength when built on top of shared values, like our Ethos. Diversity means more ways to solve problems and more ways to succeed (or fail). Which is why, for a diverse team, it is important to focus on helping people grow holistically rather than optimising performance. While optimisation can yield short-term gains, its fragility often results in long-term struggle. Helping players grow in areas they are not good at (i.e. not just making a receiver a better receiver) brings more flexibility and resilience. The same applies to game sense and problem-solving on the field: Prescriptive drills lead to prescriptive practice, leads to prescriptive gameplay. Letting players figure out the right solution encourages thinking and game-awareness in the long term. This doesn’t mean we should neglect our fundamentals, but my goal had always been to grow thinking players, thinking team members, thinking humans. Yes, this applies to the higher levels too; this team should give us the opportunity and help us become better teammates and leaders, better humans and not just athletes.

3. Growing together is easier, better and more rewarding We play a team sport for a reason, and I believe team sports teach us skills that are tough to learn in individual sports. Our teammates help us become better and pick us up when we are down, but they also challenge us and make mistakes (as we do). One does not come without the other, and embracing and appreciating that will make us better teammates, leads to more growth and will ultimately bring more satisfaction irrespective of glory. To grow together, we have to work together, be vulnerable together, suffer together and celebrate together as that builds trust; trust that gives us confidence and allows us to challenge each other and lift each other. This only comes if we roll up our sleeves ourselves and see the others with their sleeves rolled up. And, if we do not see others with sleeves rolled up, then let’s understand why, challenge and help with empathy: Trust there is a good reason. And if not, don’t be shy to challenge and make fair but tough calls. Culture self selects, and allowing slackers undermines the shared trust and efforts; yet being overly harsh impedes confidence and growth. It’s a tricky balance that we’ll get wrong often enough and the only thing that saves us is being genuine, humble, emphatic, vulnerable and trusting.

4. Commit to the infinite game of direction and momentum Growth takes time and commitment. Growth also requires change, and with change always comes risk of failure. With failure comes disappointment and, hopefully, learning. Focussing on process goals helps us to work diligently on progress and to recognise when we have grown. Combined with awareness, it also allows us to flex and react to changed circumstances and keep our motivation and optimism despite setbacks and changes. Momentum towards the roughly right direction beats insistence on the perfectly planned path.

5. Appreciation unlocks potential and opportunity Optimism is a crucial resource to help our motivation: Focus on the opportunities allows us to give things a go, rather than letting counterarguments prevent us from even trying. Appreciation helps us find the optimism and the opportunities, as it allows us to reframe situations and change perspectives. Specially in adverse and challenging situations, appreciation lets us tale a step back or see things how others see them, disassociate and objectively find the positive side. It allows us to embrace adversity, adjust our plans, commit and build upon reality rather than fighting it.

Finally, trust yourself and each other and engage to work towards the shared goal. The best way to predict the future is to create it, or at least attempt to do so. In these twelve years, I’ve failed more than succeeded, and we are here due to the failures as much as due to the successes. So change what you think needs changing, update the Ethos if you believe it needs updating, take a different approach where you think things are broken.

Appendix is your team to shape, not to consume. Grow the team, and you will grow.

So long, and thanks for all the discs. 🥏🌈🐰

#Appendix, #Ultimate, #team

DriveThruRPG is running a big sale until end of July. There are few special items that are 75% off, but most are around 30% off.

Here are twelve big-ticket items where discounts make the most difference:

1. Original Adventures Reincarnated #7: Dark Tower (5E or DCC version). A three-book set reviving an old classic by Jaquays. Worth getting it just for the original.
2. The Halls of Arden Vul Complete. The best megadungeon to date. Massive, enduring, and evocative.
3. The Northlands Saga Complete. a compilation of ten adventures set in stereotypical cold north. Probably enough for several years of gaming. Tenfootpole has reviewed first four adventures back in the day (NS1, NS2, NS3, NS4).
4. Dungeon Crawl Classics Lankhmar Boxed Set. This is the classic done right.
5. Bard's Gate. A massive city packed with urban encounters and adventures (8 included, from levels 1 to 10+). Very dense book.
6. The Blight. A rotten, overpopulated, sick mega-city. Whole campaigns can be played in it. Heavy horror vibes.
7. Arduin Trilogy. Compiles Arduin Grimoire Vol 1, 2, and 3. A ton of wild stuff to extend your OD&D game.
8. Tomes by Matt Finch Tome of Adventure Design, Tome of Worldbuilding, and The Nomicon. A great set of books to create infinite worlds and adventures.
9. Classic Gaming Negative Space print bundle. Includes On Downtime and Demesnes, Artifices, Deceptions, & Dilemmas, and Bestial Ecosystems Created by Monstrous Inhabitation trilogy covering downtime, environs, and monstrous ecosystems.
10. Hacklopedia of Beasts. One of the best bestiaries in the market.
11. HarnManor. Detailed procedures and guidance on creating and managing a manor.
12. The Guide to Glorantha. If you are interested in Glorantha, then this two-book set is the best starting point to get overwhelmed and give up.

Unsure which to go for? Roll a 1d12! Want to pick an adventure module? Then roll 1d6! You prefer a supplement instead? Then roll 1d6+6!

Looking for cheaper OSR recommendations? Then I suggest the following lists: select Advanced Adventures, Black Friday selections, and GM's Day selections.

Spend responsibly!

#Sale #OSR

This review originally appeared on Goodreads on December 29, 2016.

Elak of Atlantis: Four Stories

By Henry Kuttner – Diversion Books – July 29, 2014

Review by Robin Marx

The four stories contained in this book were entertaining, but a mixed bag.

The two longest stories, “Thunder in the Dawn” and “Dragon Moon” felt a bit unfocused, with extended, almost psychedelic interludes that reminded me of C. L. Moore's (Kuttner's wife) “Black God's Kiss.” Unfortunately, this aspect of Kuttner's stories compare unfavorably to Moore's.

“The Spawn of Dagon” was the shortest story in the book, but also the most interesting. Elak and his erstwhile companion the perpetually drunk Lycon accept what appears to be a relatively straightforward mission to assassinate a sorcerer. Without giving too much away, there's an interesting twist towards the end and the two heroes find themselves in a tense situation. While Robert E. Howard's “The Tower of the Elephant” is my usual go-to, this would also be a good example of a story to introduce Sword & Sorcery to someone unfamiliar with the subgenre.

While the afore-mentioned Lycon and an ugly, rotund druid named Dalan captured my interest, Elak himself was a bit bland as a character. He's of a royal bloodline, with no interest in ruling. There are hints that he had a falling out with his father, but it wasn't expanded upon. His weapon of choice is a rapier, which is an uncommon choice for a Sword & Sorcery hero. Apart from that, Lycon and Dalan seemed more vividly rendered than the titular hero.

While I don't feel like I wasted my time with this book, the bulk of the stories were fairly forgettable. Moore's Jirel of Joiry was a lot more compelling than her husband's creation.

★★★☆☆

#CapsuleReviewArchive #BookReview #SwordAndSorcery #Fantasy #HenryKuttner #ElakOfAtlantis

This review originally appeared on Goodreads on December 25, 2018.

Men of Bronze

By Scott Oden – Medallion Press – January 1, 2005

Review by Robin Marx

This action-packed historical fiction book is about Barca, a rage-filled mercenary working in the service of the Pharaoh and entrusted with protecting Egypt from encroaching Greeks and Persians. It reads a great deal like the swashbuckling historicals of Robert E. Howard and Harold Lamb, so fans of the action pulp tradition will find a lot to like here.

Characters are sketched in broad strokes, but the main ones are given enough nuance to keep them from seeming shallow. The pacing is brisk throughout, and the ancient Egyptian setting adds flavor without getting bogged down in minutiae.

While fans of Robert E. Howard or ancient battle action in general are likely to enjoy this book, the ending seemed ridiculously abrupt to me. The climactic battle itself was vivid and exciting, but it would have been nice if a little more time was spent on the conclusion to Barca's tale and the aftermath. The ending isn't bad, per se, just rushed. That being said, I'd be happy to read other books by the author.

★★★★☆

#CapsuleReviewArchive #BookReview #Literature #HistoricalFiction #Adventure #MenOfBronze #ScottOden

This review originally appeared on Goodreads on March 12, 2013.

The Warlock of Firetop Mountain

By Steve Jackson – Puffin – 1982

Review by Robin Marx

I was a big fan of the Lone Wolf and TSR's Endless Quest books back when I was in elementary school, but it was only recently that I encountered Britain's venerable Fighting Fantasy series. It's very much a product of its time, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Like Lone Wolf, these game books pair Choose Your Own Adventure style interactivity with a simple conflict resolution system. It requires the use of six-sided dice, unlike Lone Wolf (which uses a pencil and a printed grid in the book as its randomizer), but it's clever and gets the job done.

As a game book it's fairly fun, but I found the maze towards the end a little tedious, as mazes in text-based games always are. After several failed play-throughs I ended up using a map found online to get through it.

The story itself is pretty sparse, basically a beginning and ending with many unconnected vignettes in between. This is par for the course with Dungeons & Dragons-inspired cave-crawling, where you're never sure what's in the next room and not much of an effort was made to come up with a unifying theme or sensible ecology. I grew up with this sort of thing, so I find it charming, but modern readers without this background might not understand the appeal.

I look forward to playing through subsequent volumes.

★★★☆☆

#CapsuleReviewArchive #BookReview #Fantasy #InteractiveFiction #FightingFantasy #SteveJackson #TheWarlockOfFiretopMountain

This review originally appeared on Goodreads on November 6, 2012.

The Collected Fiction, Vol. 2: The House on the Borderland and Other Works

By William Hope Hodgson – Night Shade Books – October 10, 2002

Review by Robin Marx

This second volume in Night Shade Books' excellent Collected Fiction of William Hope Hodgson contains The House on the Borderland, all of the “Carnacki, the Ghost Finder” tales, and some miscellaneous short stories. While the book begins on a very strong note, it loses steam towards the end

While I prefer The Night Land and The Boats of the 'Glen Carrig', The House on the Borderland is an incredibly atmospheric work of weird horror. It chronicles the bizarre events experienced by a so-called “Recluse” living in an isolated home in Ireland. While there doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason behind the supernatural incidents he experiences, they remain engrossing and filled with tension. Hodgson must have had a fear of pigs, as the “swine-things” that terrorize the Recluse are very effectively (and disturbingly!) rendered.

The “Carnacki, the Ghost Finder” stories are a much more conventional form of horror, but still fascinating. They take the form of what the Encyclopedia of Science Fiction editor John Clute calls a “club story.” Basically Carnacki, an Edwardian gentlemen, invites his (probably tweedy and pipe-smoking) friends over to his house to tell them of his encounters with ghosts and psychic phenomena. All of the stories share this framing device, but it didn't become monotonous.

The Carnacki stories were an interesting mix of traditional ghost stories with something closer to the type of otherworldly horror that Lovecraft would later popularize. While they're referred to as “ghosts”, these hauntings tend towards psychic phantasms and poltergeists more than conventional apparitions. Hodgson's terrifying swine make another welcome appearance in the delightfully creepy story “The Hog.” I liked that Hodgson mixed a few hoax stories in with the “authentic” haunts. Another reviewer said those stories had “Scooby Doo endings,” but I think that's a little too dismissive. The fakes were just as interesting as the supernatural stories

Unfortunately, the last portion of the book is fairly weak. The remaining stories don't have any particular theme to tie them together, and even the tales of the sea—Hodgson's specialty—included here are pretty unexceptional. The stories included in the first collected volume were all pretty great, perhaps some of those should have been reserved for this second book.

Weak conclusion aside, this book is still worthy of a place on weird fiction fans' bookshelves. Hopefully Night Shade Books will continue to champion overlooked classics like this.

★★★★☆

#CapsuleReviewArchive #BookReview #Horror #CarnackiTheGhostFinder #TheHouseOnTheBorderland #WilliamHopeHodgson

This review originally appeared on Goodreads on August 17, 2016.

The Door to Saturn

By Clark Ashton Smith – Night Shade Books – June 1, 2007

Review by Robin Marx

[The Door to Saturn] Part of CAS' Hyperborean cycle, “The Door to Saturn” has an interesting premise. A party of inquisitors storm the wizard Eibon's tower, hoping to bring him to justice for heresy. Eibon has a contingency plan, however, and a magic panel presented to him from his otherworldly patron Zhothaqquah to escape to Cykranosh (Saturn). The chief inquisitor Morghi discovers the trick and follows Eibon. They discover that the planet isn't especially hospital to human life, and they put aside their differences in an effort to survive their incomprehensible new environment. While more event- and locale-driven than plot-driven, the pair have an amusing adventure that reads very much like the kind of tale that Jack Vance would later write.

[The Red World of Polaris] This story is a straight science fiction tale, with a ship of explorers pulled down to the surface of a planet orbiting Polaris after drifting too close. They encounter aliens who have replaced their bodies with mechanical shells, and their hosts are homicidally offended when the humans rebuff their offer for a similar “upgrade.” While a lot happens in this story, apart from some vivid description there isn't much of interest here. Like “The Door to Saturn,” it's another story about characters trapped in a strange land, but it lacks the humor and whimsy of the previous tale.

[Told in the Desert] This story returns to one of Clark Ashton Smith's favorite themes: loss. A desert wanderer tells his camp-mates about his chance discovery of an isolated oasis and the charming young woman he romanced there. A callow individual, he takes his simple lifestyle and devoted paramour for granted and leaves the oasis. He realizes his mistake too late, and wanders the deserts searching in vain for the oasis. There aren't any big surprises in this story, but it's a simple fable well told.

[The Willow Landscape] While the previous story had an Arabian setting, this one takes place in ancient China. It involves an art collecting courtier who has fallen on hard times. He supports himself and his much younger brother by selling off pieces of his collection, until he eventually has to part with his absolute favorite piece, a wall scroll depicting a idyllic glen with a rustic hut, and arched bridge, and a small figure of a beautiful woman. The new owner—a fat man who, refreshingly, is not depicted as greedy or cruel—graciously allows the impoverished courtier one last night with the painting. He is rewarded for his love and devotion over the years by a mysterious voice who welcomes him into the world of the scroll, where he lives happily ever after with the maiden in the painting. As an art lover, I enjoyed this story a great deal. It seemed a bit like a reversal of Pygmalion, both feature protagonists who are rewarded for their devotion to a work of art, but instead of Galatea becoming flesh and joining Pygmalion as his wife, the courtier (whose “heart is native here but alien to all the world beside”) is absorbed into the art. This is a beautiful, charming story.

[A Rendezvous in Averoigne] This story is a classic, but probably more for the prose than the plot. It's a nice vampire story, but there's not much in the way of dramatic tension. The protagonist finds himself in a creepy, atmospheric situation, but it's resolved pretty smoothly, all things considered. Everything goes according to plan with the vampire-slaying, and I can't help but think the story would be stronger if there had been more obstacles or setbacks along the way. Still, the story is beautifully told.

[The Gorgon] This story about the caretaker of Medusa's head could easily have been written by Lovecraft or Clive Barker. There aren't any major twists or reveals, but it has a nice creepy tone.

[An Offering to the Moon] This story didn't work too well for me. The core premise, of an archaeologist basically going native and attacking a colleague while investigating an ancient sacrificial site, had promise, but the framing could have been better.

[The Kiss of Zoraida] I tend to like CAS' Arabian Nights-style stories, and while straightforward this is an effectively-written story of a jealous husband's revenge.

[The Face by the River] Not particularly notable or memorable.

[The Ghoul] Another Arabian Nights tale, this one is clever take on the theme of an average person burdened with a horrible task by a monster. Darkly poignant.

[The Tale of Sir John Maundeville] This story about a valiant knight starts off in an exciting and atmospheric manner, but the ending is absurdly anti-climactic. A literal conqueror worm king imprisons the knight for trespassing into the kingdom of the dead and...wordlessly, peacefully releases him after a reasonable period of incarceration. I would have liked to read Robert E. Howard's take on this premise, he would've given it a much worthier ending for sure.

[An Adventure in Futurity] While involving time instead of space travel, the second half of this story is almost a retelling of “The Red World of Polaris,” with an advanced society being overthrown by a slave uprising combined with biological warfare. I found it hard to summon up much sympathy for the future humans, given that they kept slaves in the first place. This story also felt entirely too long compared to “Polaris.”

[The Justice of the Elephant] While set in India, this story has a similar flavor to the Arabian Nights-style. This story makes an interesting pair with “The Kiss of Zoraida,” as it's the lover who gets revenge on the murderous cuckolded husband. That he makes use of the very same “weapon” used to kill the executed wife adds a nice symmetry.

[The Return of the Sorcerer] This story, with a secretary hired to assist a reclusive and harried-looking occultist, starts off quite a bit like “The Devotee of Evil” from Volume 1. Fortunately, it takes a wildly divergent path after the initial setup is established and culminates in a grisly ending that Edgar Allan Poe would have greatly appreciated.

[The City of the Singing Flame] This tale inspires more questions than it answers. It's framed as an “abandoned diary” from a vanished colleague so it's easy to guess the narrator's fate, but the mysterious otherworld is described in an extremely compelling manner.

[A Good Embalmer] It's easy to predict where this story is headed after the opening paragraphs, but this story stands out as one of the more obviously humorous of CAS' tales.

[The Testament of Athammaus] An executioner deals with a monstrous criminal that refuses to stay dead. This story has an interesting premise and some creepy exposition, but otherwise doesn't stand out too much.

[The Amazing Planet] This is an unusually action-packed story for CAS. Mistaken for animals, a pair of space explorers are captured by aliens and put on display at a zoo. Unable to communicate through any means but violence, the pair escape their cage and kill waves and waves of aliens until they're recaptured and shot back into space in the direction of the initial planet. The story has an interesting, desperate premise, but the execution doesn't quite live up to it.

[The Letter from Mohaun Los] I'd grown a bit tired of time travel stories by the time this one appeared, but this one had an interesting twist. The universe is always in motion, so if you travel far enough forward or backward in time you can't count on remaining in the same spot. As a result, the protagonist ends up traveling not just through time, but into outer space and even to other planets. He and his stereotypical Chinese servant encounter a variety of strange societies, make an alien friend, and end up settling in the far future. One repeating theme in CAS' fiction seems to be that you can't go home again. When protagonists journey to strange lands, they usually stay there permanently, either voluntarily or otherwise.

[The Hunters from Beyond] While more than a bit reminiscent of Lovecraft's “Pickman's Model” (something CAS readily admitted himself), this is a fun, creepy story to end off the volume with. After glimpsing an otherworldly monster, a struggling writer of weird fiction visits a sculptor cousin who regularly summons these creatures and uses them as inspiration for his art. The resulting plot doesn't have much in the way of surprises, but it's evocatively told.

★★★★☆

#CapsuleReviewArchive #BookReview #SwordAndSorcery #Fantasy #ClarkAshtonSmith #TheDoorToSaturn

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing.

The trip, one for the memory books, is planned for 8 weeks. We left and drove across 5 states to southern Florida, flew to Long Island Bahamas for 3 weeks, flew back, drove up the east coast of Florida before coming to land.

Reunion

October 30

We arrive at the home of some of our oldest friends to a lush spread of people, wine and food.

Good to see our old besties again. They are always a breath of fresh air. Hugging her is an aromatic treat and he squeezes me like a long lost brother. My eyes fill with tears to see them after a year apart. Like every other experience we share with them, it is wonderful and refreshing.

My wife needed not worry we are walking into some kind of surprise party. There is a soiree planned in our honor later in the evening, but for the arrival, we have the opportunity to recover and refresh from the day’s drive.

The crowd tonight is our two friends, their daughter and husband and a new friend. She is newly single with a tragic tale and looking for friends and some renewal in life. A very attractive lady. Husband must have just been a jerk (or she maybe is a special kind of crazy? Probably some of both.). Either way she’s here for some association and we are happy to make new friends.

We start with freshening up and then retire to the basement for drinks before dinner. Bar looks great. Just really really amazing. It’s funny watching it transform over the last 10 years (how long have they lived here again?). It went from a ramshackle storage space to a fully rendered European pub.

The drinks are good. Soooo, good. Our friend is an amazing bartender. Great beer maker and drink mixer. I’m reminded of his setup in the chocolate chip cookie house on Scottsdale with it’s double rollup doors. A garage full of home brew bottles.

The night is wonderful and engaging and exactly what we needed.

Ups and Downs

Monday November 1

We have a relaxing day enjoying music and supping with our old friends. The weather is perfect for the end of fall and their home here in the east is just spectacular in its setting.

We have a full day together that starts with a lovely breakfast of eggs and bacon, toast and exotic honeys and jams he has brought back from his European travels.

We have a terrific evening of worship and I am so proud of my friend who is on the program that night in their congregation. They've grown so much emotionally and spiritually.

Sadly, the rest of the night and the early morning won't reflect the highs we've experienced so far. I won't go into it other than to say that the beer and amaretto got the better part of me that night.

We do manage to have a film festival that starts with Casablanca (not as good in color, IMHO), Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, and Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Made of Rubber

Tuesday November 2

Today we recover. We partied far too eagerly the night before and none of us, save our beer-making maestro, are in very good shape today. Our darling hostess is faring poorly needing rest and hydration. So we sleep late, hydrate and try to be as positive as possible. There are a lot of hours of self-reflection and self-recrimination. I've learned a lot about myself over the last 24 hours and it will take a few years for me to fully understand it all.

Weathered Tablecloths

Wednesday November 3

We're all feeling much better today. Rested and recovered as much as we can and starting on the long road to healing.

We sit at the table they've had for 30 years. Red table cloth. Our friend comments she needs to wash it. I am sitting in the same chair that I am pretty sure I broke 25 years ago. Is that possible? Did they have it repaired? They never comment on it, but I think so. Or they ordered a new one from Germany.

The ever-present cuckoo clock tick tick tick tick tick ticks on the wall. It's so loud in the quietest moments here. Occasionally chirping the quarter or half hour and chiming loudly at the top of each. My knockoff painting of degas ballerina hangs to my right. It always makes my heart flutter to see that painting. It’s really quite good, which is not a normal reaction I expect to my work. But, here it is, framed and cared for by a family. How many times did the kids ignore that painting as just part of the fabric of their lives while they grew?

The skylight overhead lightens the room in the warm fall light of the day. My sketchbook is open in front of me, my computer is on. We have just had a wonderful, simple lunch. And a bike ride is to come.

Shared Reflections

Wednesday Afternoon

Our conversation with the wife turns sort of shadowed as she tells us of her deep depression during the pandemic. I am sad we couldn’t help her. Her husband couldn’t help her. It was her approach to life that suddenly took a shift. Her children, all grown and gone. Her charges having left, she filled her motherly desire with teaching and helping others. And now (during the pandemic) that too was awol. She tells us she seriously considered suicide.

At the time, I cannot relate to this. I have felt purpose my entire life. This is the doing of my relationship with God and overcommitting at every opportunity. Jehovah gives us work that always seems useful—so much so that it can become tiresome if one does not manage to keep a balance.

Since I first wrote this, I have come to understand my sister intimately. I faced my own life-shift and plowed head-first into a desperate and long-lasting depression that I am only now starting to come out of. Some of that is the Lexapro, some of it is just starting to heal from a ravaging year.

I ask why she doesn’t paint. Such a talent surely would be excellent at making things. ‘I don’t know’ is her reply. ‘I did take a writing workshop.’ She exits to claim her notebook and she reads stunningly from it.

She describes a character with which she has identified:

…and captures me from my hiding place in the ocean depths, and puts me in an aquarium. Then people see me and marvel at my tentacles and flexibility. My odd amalgam of ugly and beautiful. So trusting, I am easy prey. Confident that my creator has made me intelligent and adaptable, and that I can reflect his brilliance and glorify him. I am of the earth and water and the periodic table of the elements. I do not swim in a school, but glow, in periwinkle and tranquil in the graceful dance of the sea.

She finishes and takes a deep breath, then comments ‘I think this is the best thing I ever wrote.

I do not have a wide experience with her writing, but I agree that it is wonderful.

She goes on sweetly:

‘Impressions from Zukerman’s farm regarding Wilbur the pig Wilbur and Charlottes friendship had begun back in the spring. He gradually grew closer to her as she taught him and helped him by weaving words into her web. Some Pig. Terrific. Humble. Radiant. For Lurvy and the Zuckermans to see, so Wilbur wouldn’t be turned into ham and bacon come winter. The Geese. The Sheep. Fern on her milk stool and Templeton the Rat round out the picture of that stall in the corner of the barn in the manure pile where Wilbur slept. I can hear the flies buzzing and smell the hayloft. Feel the breeze blowing my hair back on the rope swing. Kids always hold on tighter than their parents think they do. At the state fair, Where were we? Somewhere in the midwest? The lights and the music of the rides. The smell of the popcorn and the cotton candy. The buttermilk bath that Wilbur had so he glowed pink for the awards. He didn’t win the blue ribbon. The Big Pig next door won that. But, Wilbur was awarded a special medal. And Templeton bit his tail to wake him up when he fainted. But then Charlotte didn’t go home to the farm that year. She stayed at the fairgrounds having sent her magnum opus home with Templeton. Wilbur. She had accomplished saving Wilbur’s life and creating her egg case to hatch in the spring. So she was successful.

No man hath greater love than this: That she should give up her life for her friends. And Wilbur was there that warm spring day when baby spiders hatched. And Life continued. The loss of Charlotte never grew dim in its stark emptiness. With the knowledge that Wilbur would have life, friends and a future gave comfort.

He never would forget her and I won’t either. It ends with the words ‘Charlotte was both’ but the only one I remember was ‘friend’ Because probably she was a teacher and a friend in Charlotte’s Web.

The Importance of friendship and how it hinges on self-sacrifice is a lesson not learned until later in life. At first it’s all about what we get from people, including our so-called friends. Until at some point we realize how much more important the giving is. There is more happiness in giving than there is receiving. Truer words were never spoken. Friendship starts as a seed imbued with needing of two halves and the energy reserved they will need to grow. The nurturing of this fragile union, the proper soil and watering are the kindness and trust that friendship needs to bloom. Time to grow, to share experiences. The blending of two haploid halves to make a diploid whole. Something unique in the universe.

The harvest comes when the nurturing and needing have resulted in something beautiful that is blooming and complete. And the blossoming wither with time or the death of one or both friends but the memory of that partnership, self-sustaining like an autotroph that depends on light from the sun no less resists in the time of recent memory.

The Fruitage of photosynthesis.

‘As you can see, science is never very far from my writing.’ She comments.

There is a conversation here about a character she fabricates named ‘Valerie’. Valerie is a young woman working in a diner. Our author-friend describes the light as an important component and Valerie sounds like a beautiful but melancholy young woman. The diner colors are muted and Valerie smiles as she serves her customers, distracted by her real passions in life that go unmentioned. Some details about Valerie: she doesn’t pray, she likes making love with the lights on, and she reads voraciously.

Parenthood Potential

Shifting gears, our friend asks us, ‘what would your kids have been like?’

I stumble, as I often do when talking to her. What would they have been like? I do not say, ‘troubled’, ‘unhappy’, ‘scared’. I have many fears about what my children would have faced. I do not have the confidence in child-rearing that my loving sister does. I always reach back and remember my own parents when we were small. And now I also reference my mate’s own loving-but-uneven childhood. And I know that whatever demons made us, they would haunt our dear little ones too. Hopefully minus the alcoholism and verbal, physical and sexual abuse… but I doubt they would have escape the scarring of sexual abuse. I don’t think many get away with missing that bullet. Though my friend asserts she was never abused. Sometimes I have my doubts. As she says ‘I have all the qualities of someone abused, but I never was!’

My wife, determined to keep the conversation light chimes in, ‘Our kids would have been smart-alecks!’ I appreciate her toning down of ‘smart-ass’ which is what I translate her words too. Is that wit? Certainly audacious, impudent… even saucy?

I think our friend's comments were aimed at me. A memory of a conversation 25 years prior is triggered. She offers to carry a child for us after we explain that one or both of us is infertile. Regardless, our dear friend makes this incredible offer. It’s not something we can even consider as fertility isn’t the real barrier to child-bearing for us, it is emotional scarring.

She asks, ‘WHY?’ In her chirpy, sing-songy laugh-voice.

My wife shoots back, ‘because we’re both smart-alecks… or we can be.’

Unfazed our darling sister goes on: ‘Your kids would have been creative. A little dingy. Probably non-conformist. A+D+D.’

The ADD comment is most certainly aimed at the maternal side of the tree. I would have added highly intelligent. Though all of those qualities will have to wait. Wait until a time where pornography isn’t a keystroke away. A time when I would not be afraid for them to alone with anyone. A time when I don’t have to institutionalize them from near-infancy so that I can participate in the worthless machine of industry. I’ll never, ever forget the trauma of getting left at school, feeling abandoned by the one person who had cared for and loved me. 5 is too young to teach the lesson of separation. Day 1 was a disaster, every day since is merely a matter of coping. I never have and never will heal from that.

Back On The Road

Thursday November 3

Our friend the pilot has risen early and left at 6:30 for a flight to Europe. His weekly schedule. I do not envy the challenges that come from driving from this mid-sized city, to a major one and then catching a flight to a major US hub for his airline. All before piloting a huge plane himself for 8-10 hours one way. But it does give them a very comfortable living.

I sit at the table alone this morning. Early, not crazy early though. I am thinking about the days to come and my own troubling thoughts. I've been so happy here in this home over the decades. It really does feel like home for me. I am desperate for acceptance and approval and this family has been so effusively generous with it over the decades that I stumble to think of anyone who makes me feel more loved. I always miss that when we leave.

Our hostess rouses and I hear her shuffling in the kitchen. Coffee and toast this morning. Simple fare as she is alone and we will soon be leaving. But I'm in no hurry. I could easily stay here for another week. But that's not wise, to be honest. And my missus is ready for the next chapter. We'll be back. We always are.

She comes in and smiles warmly at me. I love that smile and the way her eyes squeeze closed the happier she is. This morning, in spite of us all leaving, she has a heart full of levity and warmth for us that we'll carry with us.

She has me rouse my wife and we breakfast and exchange gossip about old friends and new and talk about a potential return trip next year.

Fond Farewells

It takes three hours, but we finally find ourselves packed and ready to get back on the road. Climbing down the brick steps of their massive home, I admire the giant trees that give so much shade here. It's drastically different from our home in Dust Meridian. Maybe we will live here one day. What a joy that would be to be so close to those we care so much for.

We hug and try to inhale one another and take the obligatory photos so we don't forget how old we are all getting. And we promise to talk soon and share our adventures with one another. There is never a shortage of material from either of our families.

We love them so much. We love her. She is the heart of her wonderful family. Their very own Charlotte.

Looking Back

Things changed a lot after we left our friends. the Bible says that at the end of all things it would be critical times, hard to deal with. And I always believed in that. But, I didn't expect the things that would challenge us the most would be our own minds and hearts. Just like our friend fought depression and anxiety, we too now face it and it's compounded with getting older and the other physical debilitations that come with that.

Every relationship I've ever cherished has changed dramatically. I can only hope that we can survive the pressures and one day again enjoy one another's company, laughter and stories.

I miss them. I miss who I was.

---

#essay #travel #osxs #memoir #journal

Saving time, saving column space.

Today I made a major improvement over at Roscoe's Story, my brother blog to this one. An improvement that will save me time and will make it easier for visitors to read.

I fill my days with maybe more prayers and devotions than many other old boys. Being mostly home bound with my arthritis, there's not a whole lot more I can do that is both constructive and edifying.

I have a daughter and a sister back home in Indiana, both of whom are curious about what I'm doing down here in Texas. How I'm taking care of myself. How I spend my time, etc. And I'm NOT a telephone person. Never have been. Ask anybody.

So to keep them informed, years ago I started my Roscoe's Story blog, listing and posting every day how I spend my time, etc.

Anyway, rather than list each individual prayer and the specific time I pray it every day, I now have a summary page that explains my prayer regimen. Linking to that summary every day will save me lots of time, and it will make for a much less cluttered blog page than has previously been the case.

My wife and I decided to take advantage of a rare pleasant July evening with a walk around our neighborhood.

It's almost exactly a 1 mile loop. As the sun slowly set, casting a warm glow onto the clouds, the neighborhood became very quiet, except for the birds (and the occasional passing car). I took out my phone and started recording with the Merlin app. Here are the five beautiful birds it identified tonight, with a little information about each one.

Northern Cardinal (Cardinalis cardinalis) They are one of the few female North American songbirds that sing.

• Appearance: Males are a vibrant, unmistakable red with a pointed crest and a black mask. Females are warm, buffy-brown with reddish tinges on their crest, wings, and tail.
• Sound: A series of loud, clear, downward-slurring whistles, often described as cheer, cheer, cheer or birdie, birdie, birdie.
• Habitat: Common in backyards, parks, and woodland edges. They are non-migratory, so you can enjoy their color and song all year.

American Goldfinch (Spinus tristis) These small finches have a distinctive, bouncy flight pattern, often punctuating it with a sharp call.

• Appearance: Summer males are a striking lemon yellow with a black cap, wings, and tail. Females are a more subdued, olive-yellow.
• Sound: A bright, musical series of twitters and warbles. Their most common call, often given in flight, is a po-ta-to-chip.
• Habitat: They prefer open fields with weedy plants, floodplains, and backyard feeders, where they particularly love thistle and sunflower seeds.

Indigo Bunting (Passerina cyanea) This is one we've never seen, but we heard it.

• Appearance: Males are a vibrant, deep blue all over. Females are a plain, warm brown, with faint streaking on the breast.
• Sound: A high-pitched, cheerful, and rapid series of paired notes, often described as what-what, where-where, see-it-see-it.
• Habitat: Look for them in brushy and weedy areas along the edges of forests, fields, and roads.

Baltimore Oriole (Icterus galbula)

• Appearance: Males have a flaming orange breast and underside with a solid black head and back. Females are more variable, typically a yellowish-orange with brownish-black wings.
• Sound: A rich, whistling song made of a short series of paired notes.
• Habitat: They favor open woodlands, riverbanks, and parks, and are famous for the incredible hanging, sack-like nests they weave from plant fibers.

Carolina Wren (Thryothorus ludovicianus) These guys are loud for such a small bird.

• Appearance: A small, reddish-brown bird with a prominent white eyebrow stripe, a light-colored throat, and a long, downward-curving bill.
• Sound: A loud, rolling teakettle-teakettle-teakettle or germany-germany-germany that can be heard at any time of day, all year long.
• Habitat: These wrens are highly adaptable, found in dense shrubs, wooded areas, and suburban backyards, often exploring garages and porches.

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Prayers, etc.: * My daily prayers.

Health Metrics: * bw= 216.94 lbs. * bp= 151/90 (63)

Diet: * 05:45 – bowl of oatmeal, ½ pb&j sandwich * 10:10 – 1 cheese sandwich * 14:00 – meat loaf and white bread

Activities, Chores, etc.: * 04:00 – listen to local news talk radio * 05:10 – monitored bank accounts activity * 06:45 – follow news reports from various sources * 11:30 – ordered wife's anniversary present * 12:30 to 14:30 – watch old game shows and eat lunch at home with Sylvia * 14:30 – listen to relaxing music, quietly reading * 17:00 – listening to The Joe Pags Show

Chess: * 10:15 – moved in all pending CC games