Sundays are often so busy for me that by the end of the day I'm ready to crash (hence my lack of a post yesterday). But the past few Sundays, instead of feeling overwhelmed as I have every Sunday for the past five months, I've felt gratitude and peace. So what changed? Mostly my perspective.

Sundays are busy because I am serving as the First Counselor in my ward bishopric. I accepted this calling in the midst of a faith crisis as I allowed myself to question for the first time: “what if it isn't true? And if it isn't, then what?”

At the same time, I began a deep study of Catholicism. I have always had a genuine interest in learning more about other faiths, but my curiosity soon became a serious investigation and consideration of potentially becoming Catholic, myself.

This all began about six months ago, and my guiding mission statement at the outset was that I wanted to know God's will for me and to have the faith and courage to do it. So when I was called into the bishopric, I thought “well maybe this is my answer”. In retrospect, I believe it was, but until a few weeks ago I was struggling so much that I was seriously considering asking to be released.

So what happened? The turning point was when I read the book I mentioned earlier called “The Crucible of Doubt: Reflections on the Quest for Faith” by Terryl Givens and Fiona Givens. But it's simplistic to say it was the book by itself that did it. I see now that my reading of the book was the culmination of a series of events that led me to being open and receptive to the concepts and ideas the book explains. And it resonated with me in a powerful way.

That week I had been feeling particularly troubled and unsettled. I was praying, studying, pondering, and listening to podcasts throughout each day, as I had since the beginning of Lent (and really since before then). I had been listening to contemporary Christian music, as well, but then I discovered a vocal group whose music I can only describe as heavenly (VOCES8). As I listened to their music – and one song in particular that really resonated with me called “Even When He Is Silent” – I felt that I was finally reconnecting with God in a spiritual way after feeling disconnected for months.

It was in this spiritually receptive state that I felt it was time to read “The Crucible of Doubt,” which has been recommended repeatedly by Latter-day Saints who had left and come back, or who had struggled with their faith. But it was out of print and I wasn't sure I wanted to spend $30+ dollars on a used physical copy, so I bought the Kindle version, not having high expectations. I had recently read another book by Terryl Givens called “The Doors of Faith” that didn't really click at the time (I plan to read that one again with fresh eyes), so my expectations were low.

But, to my surprise, the book resonated with me so much that I read most of it in a day (not an impressive feat as it's a short book) rather than over several days. And more than once, the things I read hit me so powerfully that I had to stop and weep. The authors were telling me what God needed me to hear.

And as I reflected on what I read, my perspective changed. I was reminded of the richness and beauty of Latter-day Saint theology, how inclusive it is, how hopeful it is. I learned more about how God works through imperfect people, that our church does not have a monopoly on truth, that goodness and truth can be found everywhere. And I came away understanding that there is room in the church for people who doubt, who question, who really don't know for themselves that some or any of it is true.

But I also learned that sometimes, the very way we approach our quest for truth can be flawed and need adjusting. It can cause us to ask the wrong questions based on incorrect assumptions or to be completely oblivious to the questions we should be asking.

In the introduction, the Givens write:

Various faulty conceptual frameworks, or paradigmatic pathogens, may undermine our spiritual immune systems and create an environment where the search for truth becomes all search and no truth, where we find ourselves “ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” To be open to truth, we must invest in the effort to free ourselves from our own conditioning and expectations.

When I first read that passage I thought “that's me – ever learning about the LDS and Catholic faiths for the past six months, yet no closer to knowing the truth than when I started.” I realized I needed to be open to the possibility that I was approaching my personal search for truth with flawed preconceptions. If there's one thing I had come to realize, even before reading this book, it was how little I actually knew about my own church's theology and history, let alone Catholicism.

The introduction is a great foundation the rest of the book. It made me want to make an honest effort to look for and think outside my own faulty framework. I am reading it again, and in the next several blog posts I plan to discuss each chapter and what I learned from it.

#100DaysToOffload (No. 154) #faith #Lent #Christianity

Today I read a blog post entitled ”'Blessed are the Warriors' Isn’t a Thing” and I can't stop thinking about it.

The title states the premise of that short blog post clearly. Jesus said “blessed are the peacemakers,” so why are so many who claim to be Christians enthusiastically supporting war and glorifying those carrying it out?

Coincidentally – or maybe not so coincidentally – I have also been in the midst of the “war chapters” of the Book of Mormon in my personal scripture study. These have always been difficult chapters for me to read, as they describe the horrors and futility of war.

I am heartbroken that too many of my fellow Latter-day Saints see the “war chapters” of the Book of Mormon as an instruction manual when they are intended as a dire warning.

Careful study of the scriptures – particularly the Book of Mormon and the Old Testament – show that war must always be the last resort, only in defense of personal and religious liberty, and only when God commands it.

In the Book of Mormon, Pahoran wrote in his epistle to Moroni (Alma 61:10-14):

10 And now, behold, we will resist wickedness even unto bloodshed. We would not shed the blood of the Lamanites if they would stay in their own land.

11 We would not shed the blood of our brethren if they would not rise up in rebellion and take the sword against us.

12 We would subject ourselves to the yoke of bondage if it were requisite with the justice of God, or if he should command us so to do.

13 But behold he doth not command us that we shall subject ourselves to our enemies, but that we should put our trust in him, and he will deliver us.

14 Therefore, my beloved brother, Moroni, let us resist evil, and whatsoever evil we cannot resist with our words, yea, such as rebellions and dissensions, let us resist them with our swords, that we may retain our freedom, that we may rejoice in the great privilege of our church, and in the cause of our Redeemer and our God.

How many stories are there in the scriptures about God's people turning their back on him and seeking war for their own selfish purposes, yet ultimately prevailing against their enemies? Very few, if any.

The Book of Mormon ends with the account of the destruction of the Nephite civilization, who had turned their backs on God.

At one point Mormon, who is leader of the Nephite armies in this last great conflict with their enemies, thinks the people are ready to repent. But he soon learns that he is mistaken.

12 And it came to pass that when I, Mormon, saw their lamentation and their mourning and their sorrow before the Lord, my heart did begin to rejoice within me, knowing the mercies and the long-suffering of the Lord, therefore supposing that he would be merciful unto them that they would again become a righteous people.

13 But behold this my joy was vain, for their sorrowing was not unto repentance, because of the goodness of God; but it was rather the sorrowing of the damned, because the Lord would not always suffer them to take happiness in sin.

14 And they did not come unto Jesus with broken hearts and contrite spirits, but they did curse God, and wish to die. Nevertheless they would struggle with the sword for their lives.

15 And it came to pass that my sorrow did return unto me again, and I saw that the day of grace was passed with them, both temporally and spiritually; for I saw thousands of them hewn down in open rebellion against their God, and heaped up as dung upon the face of the land.

Whenever I see a Latter-day Saint supporting or glorifying wars of aggression and using passages from the Book of Mormon to justify their position, I always think: “do you not remember how the Book of Mormon ends?”

Will we heed the warnings of scripture? Will we learn from the lessons of history? Will we listen to the One who said: “blessed are the peacemakers?”

I believe Jesus Christ was a great exemplar, teacher, and advocate of nonviolence. As one who claims to be His disciple and has personally committed to follow His example and teachings as best I can, I renounce war and proclaim peace.

#100DaysToOffload (No. 153) #faith #Lent #Christianity