I forgot to write a post yesterday. My first church meeting started at 9am and between all the church meetings, phone calls with family, and meals somewhere in there, I wasn't free until about 8pm. Add Daylight Saving Time starting and having to take allergy medicine that makes me sleepy on top of all of that and I was pretty wiped out at the end of the day.

But rather than feeling weighed down by it all as I have most Sundays for the past several months, I felt light. I felt at peace.

Rather than being frustrated and overwhelmed at the thought of everything I should be doing but am not doing or doing well, I felt like my best efforts, however meager, are still making a difference and are acceptable to God.

Rather than feeling ashamed and hypocritical that I still have questions and doubts, I knew that I was not the only one, that God does not love us any less.

I chatted with my bishop for a few minutes in between meetings.

“You seem different. You seem better,” he said.

“I am,” I replied. “I've had some spiritual experiences this week that have reaffirmed some things for me and helped me recalibrate my perspective. I still have questions, but I know I'm going to be ok.”

It's as if the sun is starting to rise on my spirit after a long, dark night. And while I know that there will be more dark nights in my life, I also know that I'm never alone.

#100DaysToOffload (No. 149) #faith #lent #Christianity

Today I watched “Francis of Assisi” – a 1961 film about the story of Saint Francis. I managed to find a free low-resolution version the film on YouTube. It was difficult to get into because it was very dated “Hollywood” in its style and acting, but when I started thinking of it as more of a grandiose stage play, it became easier to watch in that context.

I came away from it with a greater appreciation for St. Francis. But I also saw in the YouTube comments on the video that Dolores Hart, the actress who played Clare, became a Catholic nun two years after the film's initial release.

I also discovered a short documentary about Hart called “God is the Bigger Elvis” (a reference to her co-starring with Elvis Presley in the film “Loving You”) and I also found and watched it on YouTube. What a neat woman and beautiful story.

While my church doesn't have monastic orders like nuns or monks, I've long had a profound respect for people who choose to live such a life consecrated to God.

I've sometimes thought about what it would be for me to live in such a way. I've often felt like forsaking all my worldly possessions and living a life of poverty and devotion to God.

Catholics have this concept of a “Vocation” – entry into the priesthood or a religious order like nuns or monks

In modern society, the word vocation has become another word for career. But I have always felt that a vocation is more than just a career. It can be a career, of course. But I happen to have found my way into my current career mostly out of expediency, not because it's something I have ever felt I was meant or drawn to do.

A vocation is something one feels a strong desire to do – a calling to do. And I have long been trying to figure out what my vocation is.

Today an idea resurfaced that I have considered many times over the past six months or so:

Maybe I could be a chaplain.

A neighbor of mine and member of my ward has been studying to become a chaplain and she has spoken about it in church. I had never considered being a chaplain before, but as I have thought about it, I feel it's something I would find deeply meaningful and fulfilling.

It's also something that would be extremely difficult and I would need to be well-anchored in my faith, as well as avail myself of a therapist and other means of coping with the difficult and sometimes horrible circumstances and situations I would be exposed to in such a vocation.

My church has a web page with information about being a chaplain and I have reviewed much of the material there. I have always thought of chaplains being for the military, but they are in a lot of different places, from hospitals, to prisons, even universities. There is still much I don't know. But I'd like to learn more.

Whatever my vocation, I want to be able to help people. To give them hope. To help them to know they are loved.

Maybe going through this time of spiritual distress and searching has been necessary so that I can empathize with and relate to and minister to others experiencing the same.

#100DaysToOffload (No. 148) #faith #Lent

Today I finished reading a book I have been meaning to read for a long time called “The Crucible of Doubt” by Terryl Givens and Fiona Givens. This is a book I have heard recommended by several faithful LDS who have struggled with doubts and questions.

The book was written in 2014 and is out of print, so it's hard to track down. I ended up purchasing the Kindle edition because it was the cheapest version I could find at $20 USD. But before I was even finished reading it, I ordered a used hardcover copy on eBay for $30, because it moved me profoundly to the point of tears more than once.

It's a short book – one could easily read it in a few hours. I devoured the Kindle edition but I plan to more carefully study and ponder the physical copy when it arrives.

I came away from my first reading with the following thoughts:

• There is so much we still do not know or understand and we need to have epistemic humility.
• I am not evil, broken, or wrong for having doubts.
• There is room in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for people who have doubts.
• Core LDS doctrines and theology are beautiful, rich, and vibrant.
• Beware of hero worship. Human beings are flawed and even those with the noblest of intentions are going to mess up and get stuff wrong.
• Regard the earthly instruments of church and religion as a means to an end, not the end in itself.
• No church has a monopoly on truth. We should seek truth wherever we can find it, and it can be found everywhere, including in other faiths.
• It ultimately comes down to what we choose to believe and how we live according to that belief.

I'm thankful I finally read this book, and I now understand why it has been so highly recommended.

To be fair, it is difficult for me to articulate how and why this book impacted me the way it has, but I hope to share more specific insights during my next reading.

#100DaysToOffload (No. 147) #faith #Lent #Christianity