They size you up quick

It has happened after hearing a tune someone learned I was bipolar. They said “that’s why.” They liked the song, thought it couldn’t possibly come from me, and attributed it to my bipolar disorder, which is what happened. In seconds, really. 

I checked the book and..

My being bipolar often makes me very emotional. But I can’t find anything in the DSM about it making me play guitar better. My staying on beat isn’t improved by lithium. My lyrics are not granted to me by a mysterious bipolar angel. Even if I concede I am perhaps overly sensitive to emotion, that is not the same thing as being able to write a tune someone else likes. 

Please give this thought exercise a minute or two:

I hope to start a train of thought with whoever might read this. I hope you hear not just the guitars, but the sound, the decisions involved in note selection, the tones. I hope you hear not just the words, but the intent that put them there. I hope you realize if you saw this band you’re listening to live, between bar noise and a grumpy soundman, they ain’t going to sound as good. I hope you hear styles mixing together like backgrounds of coworkers. If you hear this kind of thing, there’s no, “must be the bipolar.”

My bipolar life

Bipolar Disorder is a strife for me. I am not someone who strives to be grateful for a mental illness. It’s very difficult. I battle with maturity every hour of every day. Sometimes on the inside I boil over. Then I have to use my outsides to calm myself down. That’s if I’m lucky. It is just as likely I’ll get angry and be mean. I can be full-blown clinically depressed and full-blown manic at the same time. This dysphoric anger is my nemesis. But it isn’t gone. There’s no music getting done when it shows up, I am back at survival mode in seconds. Bipolar doesn’t help me creatively, I fight it. I want to be on an even keel. That would help.

Give yourself a chance with mental illness by giving it to someone else

I hope if you are confronted with mental illness in your life, or your family’s, you don’t try to look for the positive. That’s just something folks believe so they can sleep without feeling bad about how terribly they treat the mentally ill. I hope you give yourself a chance where you wouldn’t the musicians. I am over all this bias. I’m fine, don’t feel bad about me. I feel bad about you. 

I will save you a little time getting adjusted to being newly diagnosed. What you’re going to want to do is set yourself up to be as safe as possible. This includes routines, maintenance, even perhaps changes in diet and exercise. Loads and loads of mentally ill have never had this kind of life. It’s because of poverty and bias. But at least that bipolar could write a tune. 

Kelly Kintner Editor, Producer

The Horses Mouth

The Kintners

Djembe Funk

Okay, let me tell you about my day.

I took today and tomorrow off because I am almost maxed out on my vacation time. That is a separate story and not really important to this one.

I went to Costco to get a new pair of glasses. Once I get them, I will finally be finished with everything related to my cataract surgery. I already have a pair of frames from Costco, so I just need new lenses.

When I got to the optical department, I had to sign in using the app. There were plenty of workers there, and it wasn't busy. But I still had to sign in on the app.

Remember the old ticket-number system? Take a number, then watch the “Now Serving” display.

Well, this is basically the electronic version of it.

I can understand something like this if you have to have an appointment or there are a lot of people waiting for service. But there were literally maybe four people there, and one of them was just looking.

Then I went to CVS. At the prescription counter, there was another electronic sign-in process just to pick up my prescription.

What's next? Do I fill it too and ring myself out?

Look, I am one of the first people to embrace technology, and I love it. But some things are simply faster and better the good old-fashioned way, especially when you are the only person standing at the prescription counter.

No wonder I prefer doing most of my shopping online and having things shipped to me. It is much simpler than navigating an app while I am already standing there talking to the person who is going to help me, just so I can tick some boxes and, presumably, provide more data.

The one positive from the experience was Melina at the Costco Optical counter. She was extremely nice and professional, probably the best person I have worked with since I started going there.

I just had to share my “getting old” moment with everyone.

#customerservice #personal #shopping

Place: My couch next to the window, Quartier des spectacles, Tiohtià:ke Date: 2026-09-21, 21:36 EDT Conditions: Damp from sweat. Lit by dim phone light in a dark room that’s just a touch too humid. Noise from the city below is barely perceptible in the background.

It started, as it usually does, with the flick of my thumb. A muscly anticapitalist influencer in a tight tank top offers a sharp analysis of the creeping tides of fascism. Denied a fish, a sea lion snorts and barks in perceived indignation. A clip of a butch queen voguing fem from the last ball. The limbless body of a wailing child, carried on a stretcher to a hospital that no longer exists. An exclusive review of the new folding iPhone. Official US government accounts posting fascist propaganda. A dog in a Christmas sweater howling along to Mariah Carey. Another village is wiped from the map, turned into yet another non-native forest; this one bears my country’s name. I scroll to the comments, click “see more,” and read people begging for a crumb of recognition from under the jackboot of genocide. One person replies: “Reported.”

One last flick to close the app, followed by a deep, shaky inhale. I glance around the room—clothes strewn across the floor and tables cluttered with dishes and granola bar wrappers—and I am undone. The feed doesn’t sort by weight. Catastrophe and restaurant reviews share the same pane of glass, the same brightness, and demand you navigate the unfathomable gaps between them at the speed of a swipe. And I did, until I couldn’t.

Had it come to mind, I might have counted all the nights where my chest tightened like a fist, all the mornings spent doomscrolling until my breath went high and shallow, all the times the room tilted while my hands shook, low and steady. I’ve been carrying this cursed rectangle of weather in my pocket. Every once in a while I’d pull it out, mostly out of habit, before being consumed. I’d sometimes call it “staying informed,” and I’d sometimes call it “a lifeline to community.” With increasing frequency, I was also calling it “bearing witness.” Nobody tells you that all that looking can become a duty, and there’s only so much looking the body can take before something gives. And then something gave, and the body sat alone. Shaking. Sweating. Sobbing. Sinking.

This current has been holding me for years. My body aches for another water.

---

Jason Arday’s name has been sitting in my chest for weeks. He was the youngest Black professor in Cambridge University’s history, before being accused of plagiarism by a far-right postdoc at the University of Ghent and mercilessly piled on by the British press. He resigned and was found dead days later. My body read it as being pressured out of the world for his excellence, for having dared to claim a place in the halls that would exclude us. The same halls, incidentally, that were built with the wealth stolen from the resources and forced labour of our ancestors.

I hadn’t gone looking for the story. The polemic surfaced in between the sea lion and the folding iPhone, and it settled in my sternum before I could say his name. I carried him around. I swallowed his story like a stone.

That night, on my couch next to the window, another name crossed my feed. Thélyson Orélien. A Haitian-Québécois novelist, recent winner of the Prix du roman Fnac, was accused by an anonymous account on X of having written his novel with AI. He denies this, but the outrage machine is already turning. I felt that same tightness in my chest from weeks earlier: strangers certain they’d caught a fraud, our very own Arday, mais en français. It’s hard not to see the pattern immediately: Black excellence, then suspicion, then the pitchforks. I’m still not sure my body can hold the weight of it again.

---

It’s been a few days, and I’ve since deactivated my Instagram account. I found a tool that deleted all of my Blacksky posts. I archived Fragments, my one public-facing writing project. Long scrolls of my own voice, rushing down the drain. It didn’t feel like leaving. Not quite. More like taking my hands out of a current I’d been feeding with my body and my story for years, everything I’d put there travelling without me into rooms I’d never see.

So this is what I built. If you stumbled across this page after wondering where I disappeared to, welcome. Littoral is the other water I’ve been aching for: a place for things to arrive, be noticed, be set down, and be stayed with for as long as I need to. These pages are currently bare because I’m rebuilding them to be about what my body’s meant to carry.

As for Fragments, it’s not gone. It’s simply moved indoors, where I can tinker with it away from the public eye. I’m hoping to shape it into something I can publish, once my body and I are ready for all that entails.

Rise of Reason- Part 3: People of the Forest

The opening of the Gate did not immediately produce territorial expansion. The leaders of the Enclave of Reason had spent generations preparing for eventual contact with the surrounding world, but they were aware that the differences between their society and neighboring peoples had become substantial enough to create danger. Technologies that were ordinary within the Vale could prove politically destabilizing beyond it, particularly in regions where authority was already contested. The first years of emergence were therefore characterized by controlled trade, information gathering, and limited diplomatic contact rather than open conquest.

Enclave merchants began appearing with increasing frequency in settlements beyond the mountain approaches, while foreign traders were permitted greater access to markets established outside the Gate. The Enclave exported durable tools, high-quality metal goods, glassware, preserved foods, medicines, and other products whose usefulness could be demonstrated without revealing the full extent of its technical capabilities. Firearms, artillery, advanced steelmaking processes, printing equipment, and several specialized manufacturing techniques remained restricted. Officials feared both that military technology might be acquired by hostile states and that too conspicuous a display of Enclave capabilities might encourage neighboring rulers to cooperate against a threat they did not yet understand.

Reactions varied considerably. Some communities treated Enclave merchants with suspicion, while others quickly recognized the advantages of trade. Medical knowledge proved particularly influential. Enclave physicians possessed no modern understanding of microorganisms, but centuries of recorded observation had produced comparatively effective practices involving clean water, isolation of contagious patients, wound cleaning, sanitation, and standardized preparation of several medicines. Their ability to reduce deaths from wounds and common illnesses created a reputation that often traveled ahead of Enclave merchants themselves.

The first decade outside the Vale also confirmed a weakness long recognized by Enclave planners. A population of approximately ten thousand could sustain a sophisticated society within a compact territory, but it could not support extensive expansion while simultaneously providing administrators, soldiers, engineers, physicians, clergy, teachers, and skilled craftsmen. The Enclave possessed knowledge and productive capacity disproportionate to its size, but comparatively little manpower.

The government therefore undertook a systematic evaluation of the principal regional powers. Surviving assessments combined population estimates, military intelligence, descriptions of political institutions, trade patterns, religious practices, and evaluations of how readily each society might be incorporated into the Enclave's system.

The Red City was considered unsuitable for early intervention. Its population exceeded that of the Enclave by several orders of magnitude, and its rulers could mobilize armies, labor forces, and supplies on a scale the Enclave had never confronted. Technological superiority might provide a substantial battlefield advantage, but the occupation or administration of so large a population lay beyond existing Enclave capabilities.

The Scimitar posed a different problem. Its core population was much smaller than that of the Red City, but its influence extended over a large network of tributary states and dependent peoples. Its mobile cavalry could operate across great distances, and its political structure did not present a single administrative center whose capture would necessarily produce submission. Enclave planners concluded that conflict with the Scimitar might draw them into a prolonged struggle involving hundreds of thousands of people across a wide territory.

The Granitefists were closer and numerically much smaller, but their mountainous homeland, martial culture, mining economy, and skill in metalworking made them a poor candidate for initial expansion. Enclave observers expected them to recognize the significance of advanced metallurgy and gunpowder weapons more quickly than most neighboring societies and believed that even a successful campaign against them could be costly.

The Reeds were removed from immediate consideration largely by geography. Their wetlands lay far to the east, beyond regions dominated or heavily influenced by either the Red City or the Scimitar. Direct contact on any meaningful scale would therefore have required the Enclave to pass through one of those powers' spheres of influence before even reaching Reed territory. Their population was also large, their political organization poorly understood, and their wetlands particularly difficult for outsiders to traverse. The Reeds remained an important subject of geographic and political study, but they were not a practical target for early expansion.

The Forest People presented a markedly different situation. They occupied much of the territory immediately beyond the mountains, possessed no centralized government, and generally survived by avoiding stronger powers rather than competing with them for territory. Hundreds of distinct bands and communities inhabited the forests, with combined population estimates ranging from approximately fifteen thousand to more than fifty thousand. Their political fragmentation made generalizations difficult, but most possessed relatively simple material technology and little capacity for sustained warfare against a larger organized state.

Enclave planners therefore identified the Forest People as the most promising population through which to begin expansion. The intention, at least in official policy, was to achieve incorporation primarily through trade, education, religious conversion, and material improvements rather than military force.

The First Forest Agreements

Initial contacts concentrated on communities that already maintained trade routes near the mountain approaches. One of the earliest documented agreements was concluded in the ninth year after the opening of the Gate with a group Enclave records called the Lower Pine Confederation, a loose association of several hundred people who occupied seasonal camps along two tributaries west of the main forest.

The agreement followed an outbreak of severe intestinal disease during which an Enclave physician and several assistants were permitted into one of the Confederation's larger camps. Contemporary medical records indicate that the Enclave party ordered drinking water to be boiled, separated the sick from common sleeping areas, established waste pits downstream from the settlement, and prepared rehydrating broths containing measured quantities of salt. The intervention did not end the outbreak immediately, but mortality appears to have fallen sharply thereafter.

The chief who negotiated the subsequent trade agreement permitted Enclave merchants to establish a seasonal post near the river in exchange for regular access to physicians, steel tools, and salt. The arrangement initially involved no transfer of political authority and appears to have been understood by the Forest community primarily as an extension of existing trading practices.

Similar agreements followed. Steel axes became particularly sought after because clearing trees and processing firewood required substantially less labor than with the stone and softer metal tools common among many Forest communities. Needles, knives, saws, cooking vessels, and metal traps were also traded widely. Enclave merchants generally avoided firearms and military-grade steel products, although enforcement was imperfect and some restricted goods eventually entered local exchange.

The economic effects appeared within a generation. Communities with regular access to Enclave goods could construct shelters more rapidly, preserve food more effectively, and devote less labor to routine material production. Groups located near permanent trading posts also experienced lower mortality from some injuries and diseases because physicians became more readily available.

The Cedar Crossing School

Education entered the relationship gradually. The first permanent school outside the Vale was established at Cedar Crossing in the fifteenth year after emergence, near a trading settlement used by several Forest groups. The school initially enrolled fewer than thirty children and taught basic arithmetic, reading, hygiene, and practical agriculture in addition to religious instruction.

Its establishment generated disagreement within the surrounding communities. Several elders objected to children spending long periods away from hunting, gathering, and household labor, while others valued literacy because it allowed direct participation in Enclave trade. The local chief ultimately accepted the school on the condition that attendance remain voluntary and that students continue receiving instruction in traditional forest skills from their families.

The compromise proved important. Cedar Crossing became a model for later Enclave schools, which often combined imported instruction with local practices during the first generation of contact. This approach reduced immediate resistance while establishing the Enclave language as the principal language of literacy.

Religious instruction was inseparable from the curriculum. Students were taught that the world had been created by a single God according to consistent principles that human beings possessed a duty to investigate. Forest traditions concerning animals, weather, plants, and seasonal cycles were not always rejected outright. Missionaries frequently incorporated observations derived from local knowledge into lessons about natural order, while gradually discouraging practices they regarded as incompatible with monotheism.

The religious texts prepared before the opening of the Gate were particularly useful in this environment. They emphasized a creator, natural law, reason, and the moral value of knowledge without requiring familiarity with the history or theological debates of the Vale. Within several decades, these simplified texts had been translated orally into multiple Forest languages, although written instruction remained primarily in the Enclave tongue.

The Black Oak Ambush

The first significant armed confrontation occurred in the twenty-second year after emergence and later became known as the Black Oak Ambush. A small Enclave party consisting of merchants, two teachers, several laborers, and twelve soldiers was attacked while traveling between Cedar Crossing and a newer trading post farther north.

Enclave accounts attributed the attack to a Forest group whose hunting territory had recently been entered by communities aligned with the Enclave. Later historians have questioned whether the attackers understood the travelers as representatives of a foreign government or simply as allies of a rival local group. Four members of the Enclave party were killed during the opening attack, including one teacher, before the soldiers formed a defensive position.

The fighting that followed demonstrated the technological disparity between the two societies. The attackers were armed primarily with bows and spears, while Enclave soldiers wore steel armor and carried firearms. Contemporary records claim that the soldiers fired three organized volleys before the attackers withdrew. Casualty estimates for the Forest group vary substantially, but archaeological investigation of the site supports the conclusion that losses were considerably greater than those suffered by the Enclave party.

The government initially declined demands from some military officers for a punitive campaign. Instead, an interpreter and several representatives from communities already allied with the Enclave were sent to locate the attackers and negotiate. The resulting agreement required the return of stolen goods and recognition of the road as a neutral trade route, but did not place the responsible group under direct Enclave authority.

The restraint was deliberate. Officials feared that collective retaliation would turn an isolated dispute into a wider conflict among Forest communities that had previously shown little sense of common political identity.

The Black Oak Ambush nevertheless had consequences the government had not anticipated. Accounts of firearms spread rapidly through the forests. Witnesses described soldiers surviving arrow strikes against metal armor and killing opponents at distances associated with bows, accompanied by explosions, smoke, and fire. Several oral traditions collected decades later described the soldiers as “thunder men” or as individuals who had learned to command fire through divine knowledge.

Enclave missionaries did not formally endorse claims that their people were supernatural beings. They did, however, make little systematic effort to eliminate the broader belief that their technological capabilities demonstrated unusual proximity to divine truth. Providential theology already taught that knowledge of natural law represented fulfillment of humanity's intended purpose, allowing missionaries to reinterpret these beliefs without directly confronting them.

The River Fever

Medical prestige expanded further during the outbreak later known as the River Fever, approximately thirty years after emergence. The disease affected a chain of settlements along the southern forest waterways and appears from surviving descriptions to have been a severe mosquito-borne or water-associated illness, although its precise identity cannot be determined.

Several communities initially barred Enclave physicians from entering. As deaths increased, the chief of one of the largest river groups requested assistance. Enclave medical teams established temporary treatment camps, moved sleeping areas away from stagnant water, drained pools near permanent settlements, increased boiling of drinking water, and organized care for patients unable to obtain food themselves.

The measures were only partially effective, and hundreds probably died across the affected region. Nevertheless, communities receiving sustained Enclave assistance appear to have experienced lower mortality than several settlements that rejected intervention. Whether the difference resulted primarily from medical treatment, sanitation, nutrition, or local variation in the disease cannot be established from the surviving evidence.

Politically, the consequences were substantial. Three communities that had previously resisted permanent Enclave institutions requested physicians and schools during the following two years. The chief who had first accepted assistance later traveled to the Vale, becoming one of the earliest Forest leaders known to have visited the original Enclave settlements inside the mountains.

His subsequent adoption of Providential religion received considerable attention. Later Enclave histories presented the conversion as the result of theological conviction, while Forest oral traditions emphasized the medical assistance provided during the epidemic. Both factors were probably significant.

The Ashwood Dispute

The most serious resistance during the first generation occurred roughly four decades after emergence among a group of communities collectively known in Enclave records as the Ashwood clans. Unlike the Lower Pine and Cedar Crossing groups, the Ashwood communities had deliberately limited contact with Enclave traders and regarded permanent roads and agricultural settlements as encroachments on hunting territory.

Conflict escalated after an Enclave-aligned Forest community established a farming settlement in an area used seasonally by Ashwood hunters. Negotiations failed in part because the competing groups had no shared system of permanent land ownership. Enclave administrators treated cultivated land and surveyed boundaries as evidence of possession, while the Ashwood clans regarded seasonal use of a larger territory as establishing their own claim.

After several raids on the settlement, an Enclave patrol was sent to protect it. The patrol was attacked in woodland terrain and suffered several casualties before withdrawing. A larger force returned later that season and destroyed two fortified camps after their occupants refused demands to cease attacks on the agricultural settlement.

The engagements again demonstrated the imbalance in conventional combat. Firearms and armor allowed Enclave troops to defeat larger groups when they could establish organized firing positions, but pursuit through dense forest proved difficult. The Ashwood resistance continued intermittently for several years through ambushes and attacks on isolated infrastructure rather than set battles.

The eventual settlement did not involve complete military defeat. Several Ashwood groups moved deeper into the forest, while others accepted an agreement recognizing portions of their seasonal territory in exchange for ending attacks. Children from participating communities later attended Enclave schools, and within two generations most of the descendants of the clans that remained in the region had entered the broader Enclave political system.

The Ashwood Dispute became important in later legal history because it exposed a conflict between Enclave concepts of surveyed property and Forest systems of shared or seasonal land use. Subsequent expansion policies increasingly required administrators to record hunting routes, seasonal camps, and customary access rights before allocating land for permanent agriculture.

Assimilation and Expansion

By the middle of the second generation, incorporation had developed a recognizable pattern. Contact usually began with trade, followed by periodic medical assistance and the establishment of a permanent trading post. Schools and religious teachers appeared once relations stabilized. Communities willing to enter formal association retained local chiefs or councils, while younger members were educated in the Enclave language and administrative system.

The lack of a single Forest political identity made this process substantially easier. Enclave officials could concentrate resources on groups receptive to contact and bypass hostile communities. As incorporated groups became wealthier, healthier, or more secure, neighboring communities often initiated contact themselves.

Conversion to Providential religion proceeded rapidly in many areas, although the meaning of conversion varied. Some communities adopted monotheistic worship while retaining substantial elements of earlier ritual practice. Others increasingly followed Enclave religious forms, particularly after a generation of schooling. By the second generation, the Enclave language had become common among younger members of incorporated communities and was overwhelmingly dominant in literacy, government, and advanced education.

The government did not initially require cultural uniformity. Local chiefs and elders continued to resolve many disputes according to customary practice so long as their decisions did not conflict with Enclave law. Increasing numbers of these leaders received training in record keeping, taxation, sanitation, and legal administration, allowing the government to expand without supplying every official from the original population of the Vale.

Over approximately two generations, the political category of Forest People therefore changed substantially. In regions incorporated early, it increasingly described ancestry and local custom rather than membership in an independent society. Forest descendants entered the clergy, military, administration, and technical schools, while intermarriage further weakened the distinction between the original Enclave population and incorporated communities.

Agricultural Expansion and Immigration

The expansion of agriculture accelerated this transformation. Enclave methods of drainage, crop rotation, seed selection, food storage, and soil management produced larger and more reliable harvests than had previously been common in the forest margins. Iron and steel tools also allowed farmland to be cleared more efficiently, although forest management regulations inherited from the Vale prevented unrestricted cutting in territories under effective administration.

The increased food supply supported both natural population growth and immigration. People from smaller neighboring factions began entering Enclave territory voluntarily, attracted by reliable food, comparatively predictable law, medical care, trade, and the relative absence of warfare. Migrants included farmers displaced by local conflicts, craftsmen seeking markets, religious converts, former tributary populations, and families who had little previous connection with either the Enclave or the Forest People.

This movement eventually became as important as the original Forest incorporation. Settlements established along Enclave roads frequently attracted populations larger than those of the communities around which they had originally been founded. The government increasingly defined political membership through acceptance of Enclave law and institutions rather than descent from the inhabitants of the Vale.

Population estimates remain uncertain because territorial expansion initially outpaced census administration. Within roughly fifty to sixty years of sustained contact, however, the population under Enclave authority probably approached one hundred thousand. This represented an increase of approximately an order of magnitude from the population that had emerged from the mountains. Most of the increase resulted from incorporation and immigration rather than reproduction among the original Vale population.

Territorial expansion was even greater. Forest communities traditionally used large seasonal ranges relative to their population, and incorporating a comparatively small number of groups could therefore extend Enclave influence across extensive territory. Roads, schools, farms, medical stations, trading posts, and administrative centers gradually converted these loosely affiliated regions into more clearly governed lands.

The process also altered the strategic position of the Enclave. What had begun as a small mountain society had acquired a substantial agricultural hinterland, access to additional timber and other resources, and a population large enough to support a considerably larger military and administrative establishment. Its original technological advantage remained important, but the government was becoming less dependent upon that advantage alone.

Expansion northward also eliminated much of the geographic buffer that had historically separated the Vale from the Granitefist territories. Trade between the two societies continued, and relations remained formally peaceful, but Enclave farms, roads, and administrative settlements were appearing increasingly close to regions from which Granitefist communities obtained minerals and conducted commerce. The incorporation of the Forest People had therefore solved one of the Enclave's principal weaknesses by increasing its population and territory, while simultaneously bringing it into sustained contact with a neighboring society that was organized, heavily armed, and unlikely to respond to Enclave influence in the same manner as the dispersed Forest communities.

Wheatland, Wyoming

Thursday's MLB Game of Choice.

This afternoon my Texas Rangers will again host the New York Mets at Globe Life Field in Arlington, TX. This game is scheduled to start at 1:35 PM CDT. This will be the third and final game in a 3-game series the two teams are playing. As usual I'll be following the game's scores and stats in real time via MLB's Gameday Service where we can also find links to the radio-call of the game provided by announcers of either team we choose.

And the adventure continues.

Inbetweeners 25- Lurian's Inauguration

Inauguration isn't the right word, but I can't quite find the one I'm looking for here. This post will serve as a bridge, describing the direct aftermath of the ambush on Zariel. The players had been equivocating when it came to siding with Zariel or the Shadow of Torm, with Uzo more clearly on the side of Zariel. I decided that their indecision provided an opportunity for both Lurian and the Interloper to seize. Lurian is nothing if not decisive, and with Uzo having delivered Zariel's request and the players not speaking up saying they wanted the Interloper to betray Zariel, things shook out as they did. Promptly after the assault, Taric's surviving assault team traveled with Lurian and an imprisoned Bael back to the material plane. The next thing the players received as a sort of narrative cutscene, so to speak. The first of several in this campaign:

“At a sprawling war camp built for the forging of paladins and fiend-hunters, a massive, impromptu assembly is underway. A stage—clearly thrown together in haste—rests at the heart of the camp, surrounded by a crowd buzzing with anxious energy. Behind them, a teleportation circle pulses with divine light as elite clerics, battle-scarred paladins, and grim-faced warriors arrive by the dozen. The air hums with urgency. Whatever is about to happen, it wasn’t planned. It was summoned.

Atop the stage stands Seraphine Ashward, High Inquisitor of Torm, cloaked in crimson and silver. Her voice rings out like steel striking an anvil:

“Brothers. Sisters. Bearers of the Light. I will keep this brief–there is so much work to be done. For too long has our world, the world of mortals, blessed with free will and immortal souls, served as a feasting ground for fiends. The exile faction–self named Shadow of Torm, fell into wrath and ruin fighting that truth. Taric Hellbane, their commander, cast all aside to launch a suicidal assault into the Hells, bent on slaying a Lord of Hell itself. Unable to dissuade him from this quest, and under Torm’s direction, I accompanied him with a few elite warriors with the hopes of bringing our lost brother back and perhaps achieving the impossible, defeating one of the hell lords. Taric died with sword in hand, surrounded by infernal fire. And we would have joined him... if not for a miracle.

Lurian—an archangel, chained for an age in the deepest torment—broke free. And he saved us.”

Murmurs spread like wildfire. A ripple of awe. “An angel… It’s true…”

“Not only did he deliver us, he captured one of Hell’s archdukes. Bael—Mammon’s general, the fanged maw of Avarice itself. Though we lost Taric, what Lurian brought us... is more than vengeance. It is restoration. The Shadow has returned to the fold.””

A radiant explosion of light engulfs the stage, and as it fades, Lurian stands where there was once only air—wings unfurled, glowing like a second sun. His voice is thunder wrapped in silk:

“Thank you, Seraphine.

Warriors of the Light—your despair ends here. For too long you bled while the heavens stayed silent. For too long you fought, prayed, and died, while the wicked profaned the sacred and preyed upon the innocent. No more.

I have brought light to the Shadow. They are reborn. From this moment, they are the Judgement of Torm—and they will bring divine reckoning to all who crawl from Hell to despoil this world.”

The crowd erupts in a frenetic roar.

As the cheers rise, members of the Judgement of Torm drag forward a chained, mutilated figure—Bael, archduke of Mammon. His horned head hangs low. His body is lacerated, maimed by radiant fire. His eye is gone. His tongue, severed. Flesh stripped in holy patterns.

(Perception DC 15) reveals Bael has undergone extensive torture (Insight DC 15) suggests that these methods were learned from what Lurain experienced in the Torment (Insight DC 20) perhaps there was a reason that Lurian was abandon by his angelic brethren

“Behold: Bael, Archduke, Infernal general and deputy of Mammon. One of the hellish warlords who trafficked in mortal souls like coin. He has... cooperated. We now possess the names and locations of Mammon’s soul-harvesting sites across the mortal realm.

Until now, when an archfiend was slain, their essence would slink back to Hell to fester and rise again. But with me beside you—with heaven’s fire in your hands—we can erase them. Forever.”

He lifts his sword.

It howls with celestial fury. He brings it down. Bael is engulfed in pure, blinding light. No scream escapes him. His form erupts into divine flame, burning away until there’s nothing left.

The crowd is consumed in rapturous, holy fervor.

“Your orders will come soon. Stand ready. From this day forward, we cleanse this realm of the abyssal, the infernal, and all who crawl forth from the Lower Planes. We are not alone. Others of the Light have answered the call. We are becoming a force so righteous, so terrible, that Asmodeus himself will fear our light.”

If the group scans the crowd, they will see it is mostly followers of Torm, but there are also followers of Helm, Tyr, and even a few half dragon followers of Bahamut and a handful of knights in all red.

**when the group finishes, the ghost of Taric will appear in the background, watching silently. He will be pleased with the situation, though he has fallen, the Shadow is stronger than ever. He is amused by Seraphine and Lurians bending of the truth and omission of Zariel and the Interloper… but ends justify the means. The Shadow has been unleashed.” “

So there is a lot to unpack here. Let's start with the name change. The Shadow of Torm is now known as the Judgement of Torm. This is a little on the nose, but the group is stepping out of the shadow and into the light. Their victory has led to the group being brought back into the light and the fold of Torm. But more than that, in a way the remainder of the Temple of Torm has come under their fold. The rebrand is a very big deal. How were they able to do this? A few factors were playing into their favor:

1) Lurian's presence on the material plane

It is rare that angels directly intervene on the material plane, and when they do it is usually lower level angels and archons. For a Planetar to directly treat with paladins, one who had escaped the hells and helped defeat a lord of hell made for exceptional propaganda. News spread like wildfire, and no one wanted to be the one to speak out against the devil slaying angelic warrior.

2) Bael's Capture

Bael was an archdevil general and one of hell's greatest tacticians and direct subordinate of Mammon himself. While is name wasn't as well known as Zariel's, anyone who studied the Nine Hells and their military structure would be well aware of his prowess, reputation and long history of victories. Having a fiend of this level bagged and tagged by mere mortal paladins, even with the help of an angel, was near unprecedented. The irony here is Bael's only direct sin was trying to betray Zariel, the Shadows' original target. Hell, he would have probably helped them get Zariel, of course in secret. I kind of envision that Lurian was able to isolate him by offering a way to help eliminate Zariel. It wouldn't exactly be fashionable for a archdevil to meet with an angel, and he wouldn't have excepted the ambush or to be bested by an angel in single combat.

3) Seraphine Ashward

Seraphine was the high inquisitor of the followers of Torm. Under any other circumstances her relationship with the Shadow of Torm would be adversarial. The fact she was standing side by side with them and introducing/anointing Lurian went a long way.

4) Taric's Sacrifice

Taric dying to fulfil this mission lent it credibility. Holy warriors love a martyr, and his sacrifice immediately washed away his checkered past. Where rank and file paladins may have spoken ill of Taric prior to this meeting, the fact he died taking down Bael immediately made him a saint. The part at the end shows that Taric would not have even minded the deception, he would have approved of it. His entire mission was to bring about a crusade against the lower planes on the material plane. Zariel was just a target that would galvanize the base and help the Shadow come into the light. Through Taric's demise, Lurian was able to achieve this and so much more than he could imagine.

5) Timing

There was an uptick in infernal incursions on the material plane as the players saw with the desecration of the Temple of Torm or the vrock masquerade mass casualty event. The troops were restless and ready for a leader to galvanize them.

So yeah, Lurian managed a synergy of luck through timing and legitimate skill in understanding optics and motivating others and really put it all to work. Some really important things to note:

-It wasn't just followers of Torm who were present. Followers of many other good aligned gods, and some neutral gods (the knights in red allude to the follower of the Red Knight). Bahamut's followers presence will become important later. But Lurian isn't just seeking to unite the followers of Torm, he wants all sympathetic holy warriors under one banner. Again, he accelerates and constantly scales up. This is exactly what the heavens were afraid of and why they left him to the Torment in the first place.

-Lurian tortured Bael, and used the same torture he experienced in the Torment. He isn't above cruelty if it furthers his purpose. And there are no protests. Lurian is shifting the overton window for his new crusade in real time.

-Us Or Them: Lurian is framing this as an absolutist crusade against the lower planes. There will be a fear that if you don't join it, you are standing against it and on the side of evil.

-Far Realm Powers: This was unveiled to the players more later, but Lurian didn't just execute Bael, he destroyed him utterly. Normally when an archfiend is killed on the material, they reform in the lower planes over time. Lurian is flexing powers from the Interloper to literally erase his enemies.

-Bael is a servant of Mammon. Lurian, and the group by proxy, has just committed a grave act against Mammon without even realizing it. This becomes very important later on.

So what happens next, mostly in the backgrounds for the players since the generally are off plane or in the spaces between planes, is a theocratic-populist uprising. Holy warriors of all creeds are welcome to join the Judgement of Torm. Recruitment eventually expands to anyone who can hold a weapon and wants to help. This immediately creates a lot of targets on Lurian's back, so he realizes he needs to scale up in power more quickly than his opponents can mobilize. The Interloper is integral in this plan as his power is unprecedented and gives Lurian an edge his opponets don't understand. So since I'm apparently in a list making mood today, let's lay out Lurian's current allies and enemies:

ALLIES

1) The Interloper. Can't overstate the importance here. Lurian is able to break the laws of reality and the rules of magic with his help. And for the Interloper this is a splendid arrangement—Lurian is essentially a macro-scale experiment assessing the efficacy of some of his designs. Just as Zariel has been set loose on the lower planes, now Lurian is set loose on the material. Lurian can also provide the Interloper with an intel network and a buffer against the Protectors of the Weave. This synergy will become more pronounced later on.

2)Followers of Torm and other gods that have on their manifest slaying fiends as one of their top priorities. They feel like they've had their hands tied for centuries and now they are unleashed.

3)Zariel—This one can never be official but there is an implicit understanding. Ultimately both want the same thing, the destruction of fiends in the lower planes. Both are iconoclasts exiled from heaven, who stand opposed to Celestia's indifference. Mysteriously, the Judgement of Torm never seems to hit a temple of Zariel, and suddenly her recruitment of souls for the Blood War skyrockets as she lacks any competitors. Followers of Mammon seeking souls? Found strung up and executed, with holy glyphs burned into their skin. Zariel? Take the guise of good aligned forces fighting evil. The lines are really blurred between the two factions.

4)The Inbetweeners. For better or worse, they are bound to Lurian now.

5)The fledgling Harmonium. Not quite yet named the Harmonium, the Beeple Hive has been recruiting wayward low level celestials and Elythos spends his time there.

6)Vox Populi- Commoners fucking love the Judgement of Torm. Many nobles, wealthy merchants, etc have pacts with devils and demons that allowed them to reach their level of status and power. It's one of those worst kept secret type things, everyone suspects it but it is rarely spoken about in the open. Lurian's crusade targets anyone in league with fiends. This means armies with inpunity showing up and killing cruel land barons, deposing corrupt kings, etc. His movement needs some wealth to fund itself, but for the most part he can redistribute it to the people in return for their good will and cooperation. He becomes a cross between Robin Hood, Moses and Ghost Rider, but with the charisma of an angel. I can't overstate the importance of this for geopolitics on the material plane at large. Lets say you are a subsistence peasant, barely getting by. You find out your lord has a secret shrine to Graz'zt, the demon lord. You narc him out to the judgement of Lurian. Next thing you know some paladins show up, haul him off, slaughter any of his guard who try to intercede (they probably won't). His family is stripped of all titles and wealth. Suddenly the land is redistributed to the peasants and they establish a recruiting station to the Judgement of Torm. People destitutely poor their entire life suddenly have something, and their children are signing up to join the crusade. This sort of dynamic spreads like wildfire.

ENEMIES

1)The High Heavens- This is exactly what the establishment forces in Celestia and related planes feared, and why they saw Lurian imprisoned. They have a non-interference pact with the material, and Lurian is grossly violating it. The wheels of justice move slowly there, and it takes a while for things to filter through the bureaucracy... but they will come for him.

2)All the lords of the lower planes save Zariel... and surprisingly enough Asmodeus. Lurian has made war on all the lower planes. The very livelihood of these lords, the flow of souls is in jeopardy. If he becomes powerful enough war may came to their doorstep. While most of the lesser devil lords see an opponent though, Asmodeus plays the long game. He sees.... potential.

3)Protectors of the Weave- He's using Far Realm power to disrupt the balance. He's got to go.

4)The established powers of the Material. No one in power likes a populist uprising upsetting the status quo.

So yeah, his enemies are vast and way outscale Lurian in capability. So he realizes his uprising must be so meteoric that the heavens and lords of the material will avoid the optics of going after him. As for the lords of the lower planes, they are his chosen enemies so no issues there. His real issue is going to the the Protectors of the Weave.

As the campaign progresses, this conflict will mature and become a defining conflict mostly in the background of what the players are dealing with. The Judgement of Torm, which will eventually just become the Judgement of Lurian as he takes on a messianic status, is evidence of what happens when the players use powers outside the bounds of reality to manipulate things. The consequences rapidly scale outside of their control. On the upside, however, they have a very powerful ally with a rapidly growing army at his side. An alliance with both Zariel and Lurian isn't a bad place to be.

I think I'll do a separate post on Zariel post the ambush.

“Like the watcher of a doe sipping water from a stream, we must approach faith holding our breath lest we startle her wild presence.” – Beverly Lanzetta

Faith as a wild, unpeopled presence becomes felt over time. Her covert movements in cold, dark mornings are sensed as a slip of shadow over there. A bolt through the dark right here. A still, listening, unseen ear pricked for doubt or fear. One twitch and she flees.

And yet doubt, Great Doubt, is often what sends me her way. It leads me beyond the woods, down into the dank rocky ravine where no trails lead. Step by slow step in slippery blackness. Following only the essence of Silence. Neither holding breath nor breathing hard: both drive her away.

Soft, tender without desire, without wanting seems to lure her back. The soundless dance resumes. She leads the way through the doubt, the fear, the unseeable, the unknowable. She watches curiously when I, now, cross into the essence beyond even her terrain. Who would say they have her, know her, or circumscribe her by any means has missed her entirely.

In een van mijn vorige posts had ik wat bedenkingen over Bluesky, omdat je niet zo gemakkelijk naar een andere instantie zou kunnen gaan. Er is nu ook Eurosky, én er is een webpagina die je een handleiding geeft voor het verhuizen naar Eurosky. Bovendien, in Europa is al beweging gaande van Amerikaanse techbedrijven zoals Google en Microsoft naar Europese alternatieven als Nextcloud. Dan mag ik als gebruiker ook een klein steentje bijdragen. Het moet allemaal niet zo moeilijk zijn, dus een aantal weken geleden heb ik dat geprobeerd. De genoemde handleiding bevat weinig illustraties. Ik heb de screenshots en wat aantekeningen over het proces zoals ik het heb ervaren, bewaard. Hopelijk geeft dat een indruk van wat je te wachten staat als je het waagt hetzelfde te doen.

En dan ga ik bewust niet naar de pagina waar je een nieuw account kunt maken, maar naar de migratiepagina die in de handleiding genoemd wordt. Want ik heb natuurlijk al een account op Bluesky en men belooft dat je gewoon alles wat je op Bluesky hebt staan helemaal naar Eurosky zou kunnen zetten. Volgens deze migratiepagina moet ik een paar zaakjes klaar hebben liggen. – Mijn “handle” op bluesky (mistynotes.bsky.social), – wachtwoord (blabla), – toegang tot mijn email die gekoppeld is aan bluesky, en – de naam: eurosky.social waar ik naar toe wil. Die heb ik in een kladblokje klaarliggen.

Van de meeste stappen heb ik dus screenshots gemaakt, die hopelijk voor zichzelf spreken.

Eerst maar de accountgegevens invullen.

Oei, er gaat iets fout.

Mijn handle is mistynotes.nl in plaats van mistynotes. Dit had ik gedaan omdat je een domein kon toevoegen als extra verificatie op Bluesky. Dit domein dan maar weer weghalen en er mistynotes van maken.

Na het veranderen van de handle stappen we verder naar 2, het in te vullen e-mail adres gerelateerd aan je Bluesky account.

De doelserver in stap 3 is natuurlijk eurosky.

Destination Server Legal Terms? Ik weet niet wat dat is, dus die laat ik even leeg en kijk wat er gebeurt.

O, dan toch maar aanvinken, en dan gaat het wel goed. Ach.

Het nieuwe handle is hetzelfde maar dan op Eurosky in plaats van Bluesky.

Even alles controleren en een waarschuwing dat je van te voren van alles een back-up moet maken. In Bluesky heb je onder instellingen de optie om te exporteren. Die heb ik dan maar voor de zekerheid gebruikt.

Je e-mail wordt geverifieerd door er een code naar te sturen, die je vervolgens moet invullen in dit formulier.

Dan is de migratie “gestart”.

Maar voor de zekerheid nog een bevestigingscode invullen. Want je weet maar nooit.

En dan nog een vraag of je het écht wel zeker weet.

Een venster met een groeibalkje verschijnt.

Daarna krijg je nog een venster waarin een code, de rotatiesleutel, staat vermeld. Die moet je bewaren voor een eventueel accountherstel.

En als laatste kom je weer op de beginpagina uit, wat misschien verwarrend is, want je hoeft niet nog een account te verhuizen.

Tijdens dit migratieproces krijg je een aantal informatiemails met links naar pagina's die gegevens zouden moeten bevatten over de migratie. Maar die migratie wordt kennelijk niet gevonden. Als ik op zo'n link klik krijg ik een pagina met alleen een melding:

“Migratie niet gevonden: EURO-1R3TXA8EGCKIU6QW”.

Ik geloof dat ik pas heb gekeken nadat de migratie is afgerond, dus dan zal alles wel weer opgeschoond zijn, en zijn die logbestanden er niet meer. Na het opnieuw inloggen op de Bluesky pagina met natuurlijk een andere gebruikersnaam (mistnotes.eurosky.social) en het nieuwe wachtwoord dat verkregen is, krijg ik alles netjes te zien zoals het eerst op de originele Bluesky-server stond. Dus alles is toch goed verlopen. Het ziet er allemaal precies hetzelfde uit als vóór de migratie, alleen zit ik nu op een andere server. Dan voor de zekerheid de inloggegevens en die rotatiesleutel in de wachtwoordmanager opslaan, en klaar!

Het duurde in totaal zo'n een half uurtje, waarschijnlijk ook omdat ik niet veel gepost heb op Bluesky. Maar het beloofde wordt bewaarheid, en het is dus ook niet veel werk.

#bluesky #eurosky #socialmedia

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Photo par Gauthier Delecroix, licence CC BY 2.0

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在荷蘭生活了三年多之後，我經歷了一場小小的存在主義危機。

我在朝九晚五的生活中從辦公室到住家兩點一線，每天的時間悠悠哉哉地倏忽即逝，雖然無法大富大貴，但也算是生活多有冗餘。

見過面的朋友多半都會說我長胖了，那是自然。從開始工作後我沒過過比過往三年更work-life balance的日子。但於此同時，我也開始看不見、又或說惰於思考比今天、明天、後天，以及其他更遠更遠的事情。

上班、下班、讀讀書、參加或主辦一些活動填滿了我的日常。

每天多出了不少自己的時間，但其實並不很記得自己是怎麼揮霍的，或許是在閱讀、或許是在重拾很久沒有的遊戲時光、又或許只是Doomscrolling。

偶爾我還記得，在這以前的日子是怎麼度過的：我工作、我出差、完成專案、創造改變；跳槽、升遷、念書進修。我在職涯與人生的階梯上不斷地往上爬。

但現在，在一切終於穩定下來的時候，我卻突然感受到未來的輪廓變得更加模糊。

大概就是在那時，我開啟了這個寫散文的Blog，想著或許可以再次嘗試書寫一些東西。畢竟這段時間以來我難得重拾了以前閱讀的習慣，而讀閒書帶給我的快樂，讓我憶起了自己的少年時代。

只不過，萬事起頭難。

在疏於書寫多年後，要重新把腦子裡發散的意想凝結於方塊字上，那困難度遠超我所想。於是眾多零散草稿，往往寥寥數句，至今仍閒置在我硬碟或筆記本的某處。

而另一個層面，過去幾年AI創作過於氾濫，比起坐在桌前搜破我的枯空肚腸硬擠出不倫不類的文句，給個主題與關鍵字，各種語言模型就可以吐出密密麻麻的細緻長文。

我自己也沉迷過一陣子用AI工具產出各種無關品質，但量大管飽的奇幻或科幻小說。

都這樣的時候了，下那麼大功夫寫些關於自己生命瑣事的散文到底又有何意義呢？

但，生命就是會在你煩惱些對世界毫無影響的問題時，給你驚喜。

和伴侶討論、擱置許久的生育計畫，隨著進入生活安定的時期又不停地在日常中載浮載沉，而這類型的討論走到最後，總會抵達一個終點：To be or not to be。

當然現實並不總是那麼極端，只是走過了領養代替生育、女性主義與傳統價值的思辨、生命的意義並不總是在於繁衍宇宙繼起之生命云云各種打高空的辯證與爭論後，我們還是得拉回來，決定身體力行的方向。

而我必須承認，親愛的，這並不是一個最好的時候；又或者，生育這件事情從來就沒有所謂好的時候。世界有很多的問題、人類有很多的問題、我跟我的家庭、人生都還有很多問題。

但是我還是很高興，親愛的，你選擇了我們作為自己誕生的家庭。

我一直以為，類似這種重大的事件，應該是在一切內在外在條件都準備好後，才會發生，但就又是那麼剛好，在同一時間我找到了一個讓我拾獲熱情的新工作，原本安定的一切一瞬之間又可能發生天翻地覆地改變，讓我想到媽的多重宇宙的英文片名：《Everything everywhere all at once》。

過去幾個月來，雖然懷有身孕的人不是我，但期待、興奮、憂愁、焦慮在我身上就像微小的四季循環往復。又同時，新的工作在漫長的簽證程序結束後終於開始，每天開車通勤上班、開會、提案、做決定、試錯，日常涉及的內容突然上升了好幾個層級，一瞬間感覺自己好像晉級變成了高級大人。

或許這才是生活真正的樣貌，所有的事情都在各種地方同時爆炸。

就在這樣的情況下，我卻突然又開始看往了時間很遠很遠的方向，生命又有了各種可能，很多的畫面與想像又開始可以重新被放進到未來的草圖當中。

這時，我從很小很小就想像過一個畫面，又從記憶的深處如泡沫浮了上來。泡泡中包裹的我，是個在家專職寫作的無用丈夫，認真相妻教子。雖然現在這個畫面，從各種角度來說都不太可能發生，但我還能寫作這件事情是不變的。

我想寫作最重要的一件事，是因為讀者的存在。由作者發起單向的投接球，透過文字讓意念跨越人肉身與大腦的孤寂，拋向讀者。文字在由活人拋出的瞬間，或許就創造出了獨特的意義。

當然親愛的，我知道這不是一個最好的時候，我們有很多的問題還要處裡、有更多比渺小的我的日常我的記憶重要得多的事情要討論。更不用說，我寫出來的內容在這個時代並不比任何一個某某某或甚至AI的產出更有價值。

但是我想做的，只是想把自己經歷的這一切，往未來的某處丟去。

就如同《地。—關於地球的運動—》當中約蘭達所說的

文字簡直就是奇蹟，只要使用文字，就能超越時間與地點，可以為兩百年前的訊息落淚，也可以為一千年前的傳說大笑。 你能相信嗎？我們的人生，都被困在這個時代裡，無法逃脫。 但是，只有在閱讀文字的時候，能夠聽到古時候的偉人向我開口說話， 在那一刻，我彷彿脫離了這個時代，變成文字的思想會永存於世， 甚至可以不斷推動未來的某些人，這種事難道……不就是奇蹟嗎？

Det började en helt vanlig tisdag. Eller åtminstone såg den vanlig ut. Solen gick upp över hustaken, fåglarna kvittrade och någonstans på gatan brummade en sopbil förbi precis som den brukade. Men när Alice kom in i köket stod det genast klart att någonting hade gått alldeles på tok. Mamma satt vid köksbordet och hade hällt ut nästan hela paketet med havregryn framför sig. Av grynen byggde hon ett slott med fyra torn och en vallgrav av mjölk. Pappa hade satt två brödskivor på öronen och gick omkring med armarna utsträckta. “Titta på mig!” ropade han. “Jag är en smörgåselefant!” Alice stirrade på dem. “Men ni ska ju göra frukost.” Mamma tittade upp från sitt havregrynsslott och sköt fram underläppen. “Jag vill ha pannkakor.” “Det är tisdag”, sa Alice. “PANNKAKOR!” ropade mamma och dunkade skeden i bordet. Pappa satte sig bredvid henne och började också dunka. “PANN-KA-KOR! PANN-KA-KOR!” Alice suckade en djup och mycket vuxen suck.

Det var då Alice upptäckte att pyjamasen plötsligt satt alldeles för trångt. Fötterna var stora. Benen var långa. Händerna såg ut som vuxenhänder och när Alice skyndade till spegeln stod där faktiskt en vuxen och stirrade tillbaka. “Men vad i hela friden har hänt?” sa Alice, och rösten lät också vuxen. Bakom ryggen kom mamma springande. “Kan du knyta mina skor?” frågade hon. “Du har inga skor på dig”, svarade Alice. Mamma tittade ner på sina bara fötter. “Jaså”, sa hon och sprang genast iväg igen. Då dök pappa upp. “Kan jag få glass?” “Nej, vi har inte ens ätit frukost.” Pappa lade sig raklång på köksgolvet. “Men jag vill ha glass nuuuu.” Alice stod tyst en stund och såg på sina föräldrar. Sedan tog Alice fram stekpannan. Det verkade som om det bara fanns en sak att göra. Någon måste vara vuxen i det här huset, och tydligen var det Alice.

Resten av dagen blev inte enklare. Först vägrade mamma ta på sig jackan eftersom hon tyckte att hennes armar “inte ville gå in i ärmarna”. Sedan hittades pappa under köksbordet där han hade gömt sig eftersom det var dags att borsta tänderna. När Alice äntligen fått ut båda två genom dörren ville mamma hoppa i varenda vattenpöl de gick förbi, medan pappa samlade pinnar och stoppade dem i fickorna. “Den här ser ut som en krokodil”, sa han och höll upp en alldeles vanlig pinne. “Och den här ser ut som en annan krokodil.” Efter en stund hade han sjutton krokodiler, tre drakar och en pinne som enligt honom var “chefen över alla pinnar”. Alice försökte säga att de inte kunde ta med hela skogen hem, men då kramade pappa pinnen mot bröstet och sa: “Han heter Göran och han är min bästa vän.” Så Göran fick följa med.

Till lunch ville de vuxna bara äta makaroner, men inte vilka makaroner som helst. Mamma ville ha “de glada makaronerna” och pappa ville absolut inte äta någon makaron som var böjd åt vänster. Alice försökte förklara att alla makaroner såg ungefär likadana ut, vilket ledde till en lång diskussion där pappa hävdade att en av makaronerna tittade misstänksamt på honom. Efter maten blev det vilostund. “Jag är inte trött”, sa mamma och gäspade så stort att hela ansiktet nästan försvann. “Inte jag heller”, mumlade pappa och somnade sittande med Göran under armen. Fem minuter senare sov båda två i soffan. Alice hann precis sätta sig ner med en kopp kaffe och tänka att det här kanske ändå gick ganska bra, när mamma plötsligt vaknade och ropade: “JAG HAR SOVIT FÄRDIGT!” Då vaknade pappa också och föreslog att de skulle bygga en koja av samtliga soffkuddar, alla filtar och “kanske kylskåpet”. Alice sa nej till kylskåpet.

När kvällen äntligen kom var Alice fullständigt slut. De vuxna däremot hade fått ny energi. De sprang runt i pyjamas, halkade på strumporna och tävlade om vem som kunde göra det konstigaste ljudet. Pappa vann med ett ljud som lät som en trumpet som ramlat nerför en trappa. Till sist lyckades Alice få ner dem i sängen. “Nu ska ni sova”, sa Alice bestämt och drog täcket över dem. Mamma knep ihop ögonen. Pappa knep också ihop ögonen, men öppnade det ena igen nästan genast. “Godnattsaga?” frågade han. Alice suckade och funderade. Hur berättar man godnattsagor för vuxna? Fast de vuxna verkar ju vara som barn, så Alice tänkte att det fick bli en vanlig godnattsaga och började berätta om en prinsessa som bodde i ett torn tillsammans med en drake som var rädd för höjder. Det blev en ganska bra saga. Draken fick gå i trappor hela tiden och prinsessan fick hissa ner hans frukost med ett rep. När sagan var slut log Alice nöjt. “Så. God natt.”

Två par ögon stirrade tillbaka ur mörkret. “En till”, sa mamma. “En kort”, sa Alice. Den andra sagan handlade om en kung som råkade bestämma att alla i hela riket måste bära byxorna på huvudet. När den var slut drog Alice upp täcket lite högre. “God natt.” Det blev tyst i ungefär tre sekunder. “En till”, viskade pappa. Alice berättade en tredje saga om en häxa som bara kunde trolla fram potatis. Sedan en fjärde om en sjörövare som blev sjösjuk så fort han såg vatten. Sedan en femte om en jätte som var så liten att han bodde i en tekopp. Varje gång Alice kom till orden “och så levde de lyckliga i alla sina dagar” hördes samma sak från sängen: “EN TILL!” Till slut försökte Alice göra den kortaste sagan någonsin. “Det var en gång en groda. Grodan somnade. Slut.” Mamma funderade. “Vad hände sen?” “Ingenting. Den sov.” “Men vad drömde den?” frågade pappa. Alice blundade. Det var tydligt att de vuxna hade hittat ett kryphål.

Så Alice berättade om grodans dröm. Grodan drömde att den flög till månen i en kastrull, där den träffade en ostkung som hette Bertil och en dansande dammsugare som bara kunde säga “potatisgratäng”. Och någonstans mitt i berättelsen blev det äntligen tyst. Alice tittade försiktigt ner. Mamma sov med munnen lite öppen. Pappa snarkade svagt och höll fortfarande Göran hårt i famnen. Alice reste sig på tå och smög mot dörren. Precis när handen nådde dörrhandtaget hördes en sömnig röst bakom ryggen. “En till...” Alice stelnade. Men sedan började pappa snarka igen. Alice smög ut, sjönk ner i soffan och tänkte att det här med att vara vuxen var mycket märkligare än det såg ut.

Nästa morgon vaknade Alice av ett fasligt oväsen från köket. Med en hemsk känsla i magen skyndade Alice dit och fann mamma och pappa framför spisen. Men nu såg de ut som vanligt igen. Mamma höll i stekpannan och pappa dukade bordet. Alice tittade ner på sig själv och såg sina vanliga händer, sina vanliga fötter och sin vanliga pyjamas. Allting hade blivit rätt igen! “God morgon”, sa mamma glatt. “Vi tänkte göra pannkakor.” Alice satte sig vid bordet och log. Det kändes ganska skönt att vara barn igen. Då ställde pappa fram tallrikarna, satte sig ner och såg fundersam ut. “Jag drömde något väldigt konstigt i natt”, sa han. “Jag drömde att jag hade en pinne som hette Göran.” Det blev alldeles tyst. Alla tre tittade mot hallen. Där, lutad mot väggen bredvid pappas skor, stod en krokig pinne.

Alice sa ingenting. Mamma sa ingenting. Pappa reste sig långsamt, gick fram till pinnen och tog upp den. Sedan kramade han den mot bröstet. “GÖRAN!” ropade han lyckligt. Mamma började skratta så mycket att hon fick sätta sig ner på golvet, och Alice skrattade ännu mer. Och den kvällen, när det var dags att gå och lägga sig, stoppade mamma om Alice och frågade vilken godnattsaga hon ville höra. Alice log sömnigt och sa: “En lång.” Mamma började berätta. När sagan var slut öppnade Alice ena ögat. “En till.” Mamma skrattade och började på nästa. När även den var slut kom samma önskan igen. “En till.” Och från dörröppningen hördes pappa säga: “Jag tycker också vi tar en till.” Han hade förstås Göran under armen.

Laughter lisps in lyrical reign. Distortion drips droned order. All astounded covet the twang of a tea-tripping, time-sifting sorter.

Fingers, pointed, prick at the truth. For what's real but a pot stewed in lies? When governance dreams of knotting 'round schemes, every plug of ascension bleeds whys!

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Sometimes I want to add some specific style element to an image in a blogpost. Actually I want to add a class-attribute to it. So I have to rewrite ![]() into <img src="" alt="" class=""/> for everytime I want to have an image appear in a special way. I was thinking about a regular expression to automate this and put it with javascript in a html-page I can load.

When I was coding, I thought of asking an AI agent for this. The result is ok, I can use it.

<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="nl">
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<meta name="viewport" content="width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0">
<title>Markdown → HTML afbeeldingen</title>
<style>
  body {
    font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, sans-serif;
    max-width: 900px;
    margin: 2rem auto;
    padding: 0 1rem;
    color: #222;
  }
  h1 { font-size: 1.4rem; }
  label { font-weight: 600; display: block; margin: 1rem 0 .3rem; }
  textarea {
    width: 100%;
    box-sizing: border-box;
    min-height: 120px;
    font-family: ui-monospace, monospace;
    font-size: 0.9rem;
    padding: .6rem;
    border: 1px solid #ccc;
    border-radius: 6px;
  }
  .resultaat {
    white-space: pre-wrap;
    word-break: break-all;
    font-family: ui-monospace, monospace;
    font-size: 0.9rem;
    background: #f5f5f5;
    border: 1px solid #ddd;
    border-radius: 6px;
    padding: .6rem;
    min-height: 60px;
  }
  .preview img {
    max-width: 100%;
    height: auto;
    border-radius: 6px;
    margin-top: .5rem;
  }
  .knoppen { margin-top: .5rem; }
  button {
    padding: .4rem .9rem;
    border: 1px solid #999;
    border-radius: 6px;
    background: #eee;
    cursor: pointer;
  }
  button:hover { background: #ddd; }
</style>
</head>
<body>
  <h1>Markdown-afbeeldingen naar HTML converteren</h1>

  <label for="invoer">Markdown-invoer</label>
  <textarea id="invoer" placeholder="Plak hier je markdown, bijv. ![Man rennend van VS naar EU](https://i.snap.as/BRigJDHX.png)">![Man rennend van VS naar EU](https://i.snap.as/BRigJDHX.png)</textarea>

  <div class="knoppen">
    <label for="classInvoer">Class-attribuut:</label>
    <input type="text" id="classInvoer" value="img_main" size="20">
  </div>

  <label for="uitvoer">HTML-uitvoer</label>
  <div class="resultaat" id="uitvoer"></div>

  <div class="knoppen">
    <button id="kopieer">Kopieer HTML</button>
  </div>

  <label>Voorbeeldweergave</label>
  <div class="preview" id="preview"></div>

<script>
  const invoer    = document.getElementById('invoer');
  const uitvoer   = document.getElementById('uitvoer');
  const preview   = document.getElementById('preview');
  const classInvoer = document.getElementById('classInvoer');

  function converteer() {
    const cls = classInvoer.value.trim() || 'img_main';
    return invoer.value.replace(
      /!\[([^\]]*)\]\(([^)\s]+)(?:\s+"[^"]*")?\)/g,
      (_m, alt, src) => `<img src="${src}" alt="${alt}" class="${cls}"/>`
    );
  }

  function update() {
    const html = converteer();
    uitvoer.textContent = html || '(geen afbeeldingen gevonden)';
    preview.innerHTML = html;
  }

  invoer.addEventListener('input', update);
  classInvoer.addEventListener('input', update);

  document.getElementById('kopieer').addEventListener('click', async () => {
    const html = converteer();
    if (html) {
      await navigator.clipboard.writeText(html);
      alert('HTML gekopieerd naar klembord!');
    }
  });

  update();
</script>
</body>
</html>

I don't have to erase it just because he is trying to.

​I get to hold onto the truth of what I felt without needing his permission, and without having to adopt his rewrite of history. Loving what we had doesn't mean I want him back in my life as he is right now; it just means I am human enough to honor the beauty of what was real for me.

Hopefully this is the last I write about him.