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from echeveria

'You'll be fine, you're you.'

Honey, you don't even know who I am. You see the smile I stick on, you see the 'fine' result at the end, you spend all your time resenting the person you have decided I am because you won't let me show you my flaws or my pain. I am paralysed with fear in a crowed room and you tell me to get over myself because you're trying to worry about the new boy you like.

'Oh don't be ridiculous, you're perrrfect' 'Your life is so perfect' 'You can't complain.' 'You can't sympathise.' 'You've never felt what I feel.' 'Your problems don't exist.' Or rather,

'You don't have my sympathy because I'm jealous of you.'

Jealous of what? Of the nausea? The trembling? The desire to escape that builds up until I feel it pounding in my head and I cry and cry because it's the only way I seem to be able to let feelings leave my body? You see things work out 'fine' for me, but you don't see the process. You don't see the hours spent staring at a blank screen before submitting an assignment. You don't see the panic attack before the party. You don't see the bad days because you don't want to hear about them.

So don't fucking tell me I'm perfect. Don't tell me this means things will be fine. Things are fine because I put every ounce of energy into making them so, because you have created a perfect person that I can never be, but can't bear to fall short of.

 
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from [un]deleted blog

without things to write about...

isn't the first time it has happened. Just sitting in the early AM hours with absolutely jack shit on my mind and trying to think of words to type. Happens more often than you think.

No more thinking

Just chilling.

 
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from lupus fecit

It's time for the final review, when suddenly some smart guy/gal has a brilliant idea: Let's involve a friend of mine who happens to be an expert in [insert specialist field here] and ask for his opinion!

Naturally, everyone thinks this is a brilliant idea. And honestly, what could possibly go wrong...

Once Pandora's box has been opened, you will find yourself having to reevaluate topics that have been shelved weeks ago. Not to mention that you will finally get the chance to tackle essential improvements, such as changing the font face, adjusting the pagination and reducing the use of the letter “m”. (I once had a proposal shot down because the secretary knew someone who was a “Scandinavia expert and (!) professor”...)

helpful comments

Ï don't mean to knock other people's friends. We can safely assume that some of them do have a certain amount of knowledge, and they may even be proven experts in their field. BUT: This does not qualify them to jump into any work in progress on a minute's notice and overrule results that are based on detailed knowledge of a specific situation.

Unfortunately, there is no universal way to counter the ubiquitous external expert. The best way seems to be to build up your own network of advisors who can counter any specialists that might be used in an argument, e.g. “My llama expert trumps your Peruvian goat herder”.

Good luck!

 
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from Crownless Princesses

We are outraged. This is an American SeneGence Queen (ie a very senior distributor, way high up the pyramid), complaining to her downline that she doesn't want to see them buying anything except food, toilet paper, and SeneGence products. Kidding not kidding, huh? A 😂 isn't softening any blow. She ain't kidding. She's pissed as hell.

We've been hearing grumbles from the senior uplines over the past 8 months that their commissions are dropping massively — fewer distributors are active and ordering, those who do order are ordering less often, and fewer products — so the uplines aren't earning anywhere near as much as they were last year. Panic is setting into the ranks. Aaaw diddums.

Does she really think that behaving like this towards her downline is actually going to motivate any of them to place an order? Even the ones who have drunk the Kool Aid are going to be offended by this little tantrum.

SeneGence — you are so doomed. Distributors are quitting, orders are dropping, the market is saturated, the quality of your stuff is falling, and no-one cares any more. All your increasingly-frequent, increasingy-desperate sales, special offers, and new products aren't going to save you.

(Nor are abundance exercises or positive mindset challenges. Just sayin'.)

#SeneGence #LipSense #frontloading

 
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Anonymous

Desde sempre ouvi aqui em casa para primeiro me preocupar com a minha carreira e então, só então, me dedicar à algum tipo de relacionamento. Sucesso profissional primeiro, depois corra em busca do pessoal, afetivo, emocional. Espiritual, então, era algo que sequer existia. Hoje penso que disputei por muitos anos uma competição que não era minha. Os estudos acabaram, o sucesso não veio. Mas veio a solidão, em alguns momentos até o desespero. Nunca pensei que poderia ter construído tudo isso junto com alguém. Agora estou estagnado. Triste pelo que já foi, apreensivo pelo que há de ser.

 
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from [un]deleted blog

On the horse, i jumped

Good good good. I decided to go ahead and learn from my devastating setback earlier in the day and build character from my “failure” (even though it was the failure of good technology) and start over again when it comes to building the @litebytes #app :)

I went ahead and slammed together oleary.io (bc it was lame af before) so people can reach out if need be + reactivated the @litebytes Twitter acct. The idea(s) for the app remain the same but i am taking everything much slower this time around. I am also not going to attempt to do shit w/o a REAL laptop to handle what needs to be done with it (the app). So i am going to spring for a MacBOok Air in a couple weeks (older version of the device) and get down to work.

In the meantime, there are many things to do and i will make a list here shortly.

#GOODTIMES! :D

 
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from Positive Thoughts

I'm excited to say that I am leaving! This company is a love hate relationship and I'm moving on from it. Today I put my two weeks in and I instantly feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

 
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Anonymous

This one is particularly troubling. Presenters have repeatedly asked for sun protection to be added to the foundation. But that would mean more cost and a reformulation to correct the consistency of adding SPF, which their Chief Sales Officer doesn't want to do.

It's always struck me as evil that nearly every single Younique product contains talc—a known and proven carcinogen—and they won't take the time to produce products that are healthy for the skin and prevent cancer.

They finally capitulated a little on the SPF front by producing an insanely expensive SPF powder. Because, you know, why include SPF in current products when you could just make people buy an entirely separate, expensive, product altogether? And it's only SPF 25, too.

— Ex-Employee

 
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Anonymous

LIFE

Life is very beautiful gift given by god. Noone has right to waste it. Person can live according to their own conditions And many live. Many people think that god why you give me this type of life but there is reason for this. Because if everyone get what they want then the creative ideas will not be exists. And other reason that none will ask for god. People will become greedy ,selfish, rude,etc. Sometimes I think that why I get my life but after seeing my mummy papa I just feel that this is for them ,to complete their dreams. Then I don't curse this life but I just thank god to give this life to me .

Thank you

 
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from [un]deleted blog

To Be Deterred, or to Get Back On The Horse?

This is the question

I was feeling incredibly defeated earlier today. I had zero faith that when i built the litebytes app (should i decide to build it proper) that it would turn into anything. I basically wanted to have the whole thing done in one day and not have to fuck with it again, and of course this is very unrealistic. I was also annoyed by my technology limitations and how incredibly limited and incredibly slow this Raspberry Pi is to work on (which is a device not really meant to be used in a desktop environment to begin with).

But...

...I can keep going. This time, I am going to start from the ground-up and make a more cohesive plan. Taking it slowly, and one step at a time. And before I get into the madness that will be building the app, itself; I am going to get the proper vision/plan for it down in writing. And that inspiration (for me) only comes when I am creating a landing page (idk why). So that is what I will do right now.

Be back in a bit!

 
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from [un]deleted blog

Floor Minimalism

This has a literal meaning and a rhetorical one, as well

In the literal sense, you have a form of minimalism that is so bare bones, so dogmatic, that everything you do/own requires platforms of no type and everything can be done on the floor (sleeping, sitting, eating (though a plate is acceptable), working, etc.)

In the rhetorical sense, it is the least of a certain thing. If you use a computer for the Internet, it would all be done on a phone instead of desktop or laptop. If you text, limit replies to auto-responses only. If you write, pen and paper is all that would be needed. When you bathe, only use body lotion or soap for both body wash, shampoo and the like. Wardrobe kept to no more than two days worth of outfits. Meals are mono-meals. Tasks are mono-tasks. And so on.

I have had this concept in mind for years now, and I enjoy refining it. Anyone/everyone can benefit from it.

 
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from [un]deleted blog

failing downwards since 1983

for real. scrapped the litebytes bullshit. The newsletter, the app, the whateverthefuck it was supposed to be. I realized that I would put in days/weeks/months of hard work and then I would have absolutely zero reach when I finally was ready to launch the thing, so, there is no point. #fuckit

Instead I am making espresso and just gonna focus on this blog because writing compulsively is the only thing i tend to be really good at anymore these days. So, here it is.

 
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from Van Voorbijgaande Aard

Ik ben in het centrum van het universum en precies daar heb ik hoofdpijn. In de buurt van hoofdpijn er helemaal omheen zit een grote ruimte die geen zin heeft. Verlaat ik het centrum en de hoofdpijn heb ik geen zin.

Ik wacht tot of de hoofdpijn over gaat, of het centrum het centrum niet meer is. Dan is “geen-zin” kring hopelijk mee met het centrum. Daarna heb ik zin en geen hoofdpijn. Perfect.

Nu het centrum nog stimuleren ruimte te maken voor deze gewenste staat. Het zou makkelijker zijn om zelf bij het centrum weg te gaan maar ik heb er geen zin in. Mijn passie is kijken hoe & hoe lang het duurt voor de omgeving overgaat in een andere. Het gaat altijd over in een andere.

De omgeving is beperkt maar binnen die perken gigantisch. Zenders zijn zapbaar, zon gaat onder, wind gaat liggen, lawaai komt en gaat, de lucht gaat van zwoel naar fris, mijn humeur gaat van opperbest naar nietaltebest. Ik heb iedere dag andere dromen, wensen, op en aanmerkingen.

Ik was vandaag even 1000 meter verderop, dan doe ik goederen bewegingen, goed uit verre landen, gaat dan over naar mensen die dichtbij wonen, die amuletten kopen die meegaan naar verre landen. Soms niet. Ik denk aan andere mensen hun nabijheid, in woord en gebaar, dan opeens ben ik alleen terug bij wat was en wat had mogen zijn.

Dan weer mis ik iets en zoek ik dat op. Iets opwindends als er niks is om opgewonden van te raken. Dat is een behoefte, opwinding.

Afwisseling is een behoefte, afleiding, de bewegingen van een emotie naar de andere de overgang van boos naar blij. triest naar vrolijk. De route er naar toe bekijken, denken wat t is dat ik nu zo ben en net even anders dan de zo van eerder. Waar verveling begint en waarom je het niet mist, terwijl blijdschap en plezier duidelijk gaten tonen en ik die afstand er naar toe blijf overbruggen, met vallen en opstaan.

Vandaag waren er Thaise voetballertjes op tv die enkele weken vastzaten in een grot. Met man en macht zijn ze gered. Op tv spraken ze in een gemaakte zetting over hun redding, een persconferentie in thaise stijl. Militairen met insignes en schutkleuren (ja t werkt niet de setting was zo dat ze meteen opvielen, gelukkig was de vijand er niet) in beeld.

De voetballers droegen een voetbal tenue. Ik vraag me af of dit hun club tenue is of dat van het nationale Thaise voetbal team. Zag er puik uit na 2 weken in een grot. De hele conferentie kwam fake over, gespeeld, niet spontaan. Dat vind ik jammer. Maar ja ik weet niet wat de standaard is voor tv-conferenties in Thailand.

Ik heb vandaag niet heel actief bewogen, alles was binnen de kilometerzone rond mijn huis. Ik hoef overigens niet gered te worden, ik zit weleens vast maar de reddingsploegen kunnen thuis blijven. Ik bewoog van centrum dorp naar huis en terug, 2 x net een andere route, maar de afstand is min of meer gelijk. Thuis bewoog ik me met de trap naar boven, door de achterdeur naar de achtertuin en even voor de plantjes even met de gieter in de voortuin geweest. Ik lag op bed. In het centrum van het universum met hoofdpijn van vermoeidheid, warmte en droogte. Beneden op de bank met een afstandsbediening naast me voor de tv op 2 meter afstand.

Ik dien het gemak. In huis ben ik zo actief geweest als ik kon. Tijdens de ochtend 3 x zo actief en veruit het allerbeste deel van deze zonovergoten, benauwende, droge dag. S'middags rond 2 uur was de energie op. Eten hielp niet, drinken niet, rusten niet, niet meteen.

Nu.. ben ik in transitie van deze fase terug naar die van vanochtend, mijn ongeduld maakt dat t een frustrerende overgang is. Ik wil met olympische waarden terug naar goed/lekker/leuk/fijn. Hoger, sneller, beter, sneller, sneller... jammer genoeg ben ik niet alleen mijn wil en zegt de rest van mij .. doe us efkes rustig man! Laat dat denken maar aan ons over (hart, bloed, spier, maag, darm, nier, bot, lever, huid). Want ik ben dat allemaal en mijn gedachten vergeten dat vaak, dat een uur meer slaap, een hele dag beter kan maken. 2 dagen rust meer kan geven dan 8 dagen hard werken.

... dus beweeg ik even in de kleine ruimte van huis en de nog kleinere ruimte van de slaapkamer(s), ut apparaat met internet staat in slaapkamer 2, de hobbykamer. Naast de kamer van de geheime talenten (& rommelhok, o en de geiser staat er ook, maar dat is a, geen rommel en b, geen geheim talent).

Klaar lalalalala..sorry, ik leef me uit.

 
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from bleak and pretty

Part of being a writer is discovering new things due to research. It can be as mundane as sleeping masks and bizarre as healing crystals. This time, I'm working on an academic essay and looking up Tracks by Robyn Davidson.

I've gotten the gist of this extraordinary book. Shame I might not have the chance to read it though.

It unraveled some knotted thoughts in my head. I asked why was I heading to work at 11 pm and not in some jungle and having an expedition. Why was I here in the first place – is this life, finally, for me? Is this it?

Pretzels

It's been two days in a row that I've been eating soft pretzels at work. We're not allowed to bring in food but fuck the po-po. I don't care. I'm high and I'm getting the munchies. So, fuck off.

I'm such a slack. I know that pretzels aren't any good for me but then again, fuck it. I am barely working out – fuck – there goes my fitness goals.

I might be pregnant

I had unprotected sex in the middle and third quarter of my cycle. I could be pregnant – the morning after pill might not had worked. I could be having an abortion about a month from now.

Blood.

I hate the rain very much.

* We're starting to engage in phone calls where there's really nothing to talk about. It feels like we'd be better off not talking.

He has asked me to pay for his prepaid credits. I was like, “Why don't you buy them (on your own) from there?”

His reply was, “(Some excuse that I thought was lousy)” *

He could not be the father of my child.

#bleak

Logo

 
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from neugierdsnase

The attention economy has us by the balls. Every time I read through a discussion online about this topic, there seems to be a widespread understanding, that we are defenseless against the clever engineering behind Facebooks UI/UX-design and endless feeds of kind-of-but-not-quite-satisfying content. This sentiment is often paired with dangerous indifference. I don't share this sentiments or even understand why this problem isn't met with a completely different attitude (as it should be). Imagine if the same “it is what it is”-attitude would be applied to healthy food and healthy living. Most western societies are spending insurmountable amounts of money in order to educate their citizens about healthy life choices. You shouldn't smoke, you shouldn't eat fatty garbage, you shouldn't drown your sorrows in alcohol and you should probably be a little more active. While the efforts to get these messages through to people is significant, the progress we make in these areas is arguably slow. Is this because they don't get it? I would argue it isn't. I would argue that most people know that BigMacs are bad for them, yet why does the McDonald's down the road never seem to run out of customers? It's the easy choice. Yes it's unhealthy, but it tastes undeniably brilliant (at least if your accustomed to the overly sweet and salty modern cuisine). McDonald's has probably invested just as much and far beyond into engineering the taste of their products in order to maximize the chances of you coming back, than Facebook invested in their UI/UX. And while all this engineering undeniably works like a charm, nobody talks about a fast food economy where we all are just mindlessly hooked on their products without any way of escaping. We much rather talk about making better choices, even if, or espescially since it's being made really hard for us. As consumers, we have the power to shape the market and while fast food restaurants continue to rake in the profits, there is also a significant amount of people making conscious decisions to live healthier, creating a market for local and organical produce, ethically produced and traded goods et cetera. Making the decision to open Facebook (or Instagram, or YouTube, or whatever) over opening a real book is a lot like choosing fast food over healthy, locally produced whole foods. It is the easier decision, it's cheaper, it keeps your kids quiet, it makes you happier while you stuff it in and fills you with regret once you are done. The attention economy is like the fast food economy. It's here to stay. It does everything it can to make you consume it's products. It's products are bad for you and you know it. You are not helplessly trapped in it. You shouldn't drink sugary drinks and you shouldn't spend your time scrolling through pictures of half-naked instagram models. You shouldn't eat bacon every morning and you shouldn't get all your news from headlines on facebook. You should go down to the local store and buy one of those wonky-looking apples that nature has made for you. You should read a blog of a smart person, from top to finish. You should buy a zucchini at the farmers market and you should buy your next Sunday's entertainment from that tiny book store you keep passing on your way to work. Keeping a healthy relationship with social media and the internet in general is a question of personal wellness. We should educate people, as good as we can, about the negative effects their uncontrolled media consumption has on them. Much like fast food, social media has added another challenging temptation to modern life The generations alive right now will have the opportunity to lead as shining examples of how to establish healthy habits that can tame and domesticate the most powerful medium humanity has ever had to handle.

 
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from Bibliobibuli . Logophile . Mundivagant

Almost Appropriate

{REC ON}

Tell me ninety-nine reasons to justify a suicide. Illustrate with the power of logic an explanation which appropriates to man the right to take his own life. And pray tell, if men, as such bestowed with free will, how is it that an act requiring one’s volition to execute is deemed preposterous and even forbidden?

I do not suffer from Melancholia nor am I perverse; for many, a variation of these comprise their ninety-nine reasons to vindicate suicide, but I’m afraid these are weak explications. 

What about the hundredth reason? Is it any different nor any stronger? We’ll get down to it in a moment.

Let us first consider young Werther.

Werther, if memory serves me right, was what we might consider a jilted lover. He longed for a woman beyond his reach and so took his own life. Howbeit, that wasn’t his only reason. He also made mention that he wanted to, and I quote “come home to God”. Werther was a man of faith. Suicide was merely the means to the end he wanted which was to be reunited in Paradise with his Creator. I too, am like Werther.

I believe in God and in Christ who shed His blood for my salvation but I do not believe in suicide as a sin—

{REC OFF}

The camera stopped recording. I played it back and watched myself. A few seconds into the video, I had to pause it. I hate the sound of my own voice. It was like a machine droning— except that the machine made slow farting noises, the kind that sleazy B-list comedians let out in Will Ferrel movies. The voice sounded like a cow mooing and I hated the fact that it came from me.   I deleted the footage then threw the camera to the wall. It fell with a slight thud. Looking around, the room was a mess so I decided to clean it before—

Before I do it.

I don’t need a camera to record what I’m about to say. The burden of carrying this weight on my shoulders has gone on for too long and I want out of it. 

First let me start off by saying: I am going to hell.

This realization hit me when I was about eighteen years old. I had an argument with my father concerning my future plans; he had it laid out before me, after graduation I was to attend Med School and become a physician just like him. Needless to say, I disobeyed. Disobeying everything seemed to be my forte, I’m ashamed to admit. I have been breaking laws (albeit in petty fashion) since I was young. Wasn’t I the one who disobeyed that voice in my head commanding me to not push that little girl from the swing many years ago in first grade? She ended up with two bruised knee caps and it was the guidance office for me. I tried to make up for it several years after by asking her to the prom only to ditch her during the dance for another, prettier girl.

A flood of memories came over me, one by one, sin by sin. I was like Mephistopheles, but in my case, I had good intentions and was doomed to forever commit evil. My mind is racked with voices arguing back and forth, commenting on all my activities, telling me what to do. Paranoia has been a staple for me the last couple of years. Looking over my shoulder, eyes are always watching me and they can see that I am going to sin. They follow me everywhere, even in my head. Whenever I aim to do good, the voices in my head won’t stop chattering until I do the exact opposite of what I set out to do!

Although, these may seem trivial to some of you, but if you add one after another, the result is one ginormous boulder of a sin. And don’t argue with me that it’s the intention that counts, not the act.    For, really, was it not said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions?

My hard-headedness gets the best of me. I could never count the times I made my mother cry, poor thing! I refused to go by society’s standards and found myself apprehended by authorities not once but for several. Bad to the bone and going to hell.

I decided over a year ago to end my life. Knowing of my after-life destination, I resolved to commit suicide by shooting myself. Perhaps more than to silence the voices in my head, but rather to consummate the Divine Will of my Creator. The plan was, to record a video of myself deciphering my reasons, then afterwards point a gun to my head and have everything caught on camera. 

That was over a year ago today.

Right now, I rescinded my initial plan of recording on camera (once again, evincing my knack for disobedience!) and settled to just clean the room first. Once everything is in place, I took out the gun from the drawer.

As I’ve said previously, I believe in God and in Christ who shed His blood for my salvation, but I do not believe in suicide as sin. Freewill is given to me that I may obey the Lord out of the autonomy of my heart and I know the Lord willed for this day to come.

I am going to hell. Save your prayers for the worthy who need it. The Lord foresaw that I am to be nothing but grime on the surface of his covenant, the dross of all creation, a scum of the earth. Through death, I shall purify the sins of those condemned to hell like I am that they may not suffer the same fate. 

It is already night and the wind is howling outside. The curtains swing back and forth excitedly, as if aware of what I’m about to do. I pointed the gun to my chest. I determined not to shoot it directly at my head for that would be too messy. See, even in the last moment, I am disobedient. Such is my kismet.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

[INSPECTOR’S P.O.V.] He had to admit, despite the blotch of blood on the chest, everything was in order. The desk was neat, the books aligned perfectly on a nearby shelf and there was no sign of any external struggle. He bent down on his knees to get a closer look of the face, it wasn't protocol but he was rather curious; the dead man’s face was serene as a sleeping toddler. Furthermore, he swears by the good Book that there was a smile on the lips-or at least a hint of it, as if what he did to himself was the most natural thing in the world. He couldn't look away; he's had his share of cases like this but this was the only one where he felt like suicide was the right thing to happen. A gust of wind entered from an open window and he shuddered. He wasn't supposed to be thinking this way— after all, he's been taught all his life that suicide is a sin: an act that will send your soul straight to the pits of hell. However in this case, the young man's room, his outfit, his face— he’ll be damned if it hadn’t looked almost appropriate. 

[/END INSPECTOR’S P.O.V.]

 
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