read write.as

Taking a break from cleaning this morning to sit down at my computer. It seems I get sidetracked and lost easily when I open the browser out of habit, instead of with a goal in mind. But, this morning it's brought me back to the blog, so that's a plus. I've been neglecting it. Not for lack of things to write. I've been thinking, at least weekly, of more things I want to put into words and spew out into the world, I just haven't actually taken the time to do that. While I'm thinking about it, I want to say that I am reading write.as posts while away from my own blog. Granted, I've fallen behind a bit, but I know inquiry feels like they're just shouting into the void, and to some extent you are, but I'm in that void listening :) Keep shouting. I want to add more to this, but I need to get back to the tasks at hand, and since this is a rambling kind of post, I think my slightly more structured ideas should have their own space. Maybe I'll get back here this afternoon.

عفاريت واسياد وجنّ ودجل و كلام يجنّ وحجاب وعلم أوفاق وحاجات تجيب فتاق ليه دايما اللى شايف حاجة وشايفها واحده ليه فاكر اللى شايفه مش وهم من جوارحه؟ ليه دايما كلّه واثق ان بصره صحيح؟ ليه معندوش اى شكوك ان عقله جريح؟ عقلك ده ممكن يخدعك و يتوّهك و يصربعك وكل وهم تشوفه حيدربكك و يضيّعك لو شفت شئ غريب و خارج عن العادة متقولش ده عفريت عايزين بخور زيادة لا اللى انت شايفه ده بيسموه Illusion وحيوديك فى داهية ويزيد في ال Confusion فكك من جهل الناس وخلط ف مفاهيم الدين عمره ما قال عفاريت محتاجة سيم حتى ف عصر الرسول مجاش ولا حديث عن ناس لبسها جن وجابولها شيخ حثيث عشان يولّع عود ويهمهم كلمتين يطلّع الموعود ويعالجه ف خطوتين خلاص عفريت وطلع من صباع الرجل الكبير بس اوعى تغنى تانى فى الحمام ده شئ خطير احا يا شعب تافه بيصدق العبط كل الاجانب برة بيغنوا و ده غلط؟ امال عايشين ازاى مش لابسهم جن ليه؟ الجن تجيلنا بس واشمعنا احنا وليه؟ واللى راح لدكتور نفسى عشان شاف حاجة غريبة ليه ببرشامة اختفت والله حاجة عجيبة

#شعر #عربى #بالعاميه

We empty our heads into the keyboard, or share brief moments in photos and videos, and often come to know each other better than those that surround us in the real world.

And yet we surround ourselves with lines – with walls – with rules.

We see a photo of somebody feeling good about themselves, and wish we could tell them, but we keep quiet because we don't want them or anybody else to think we're hitting on them.

We read a story about somebody going through a difficult time and wish we could be there to help share their burden – but then we become overly cautious because we don't want them or anybody else to think we're exploiting them at a vulnerable moment.

Maybe we overthink everything. Maybe nobody is watching every move we make. But maybe everybody overthinks everything – and everybody IS watching – and maybe that thought explains why the internet seems like such a barren ghost-town at times.

We are all out here – we haven't gone away – we're just all watching our backs, rather than taking any chances. I think that's a shame.

Although I migrated all of my old writing into Write.As, I'm wondering if it was a wise thing to do. It's not really designed to support a curated archive of writing by a particular person. I do like the connection with mastodon though, and seem to be picking up followers rather randomly.

Perhaps part of my misgivings is because I'm a developer myself, and can see how I could spin up an instance of Ghost at Digital Ocean in minutes, rather than use a platform owned by anybody else. I've been here before.

I guess we'll see how it goes.

in front of a mirror my eyes my lips my hair

is that me?

i can't find my thoughts i can't find my whys

where am i?

Wandering in this desert

is it?

Wandering in this forest

is it?

Scratching on these walls

looking outside looking into the eyes of this world.

tonight i shall hold myself in this draining cry.

where am I?

I am re-doing my bathroom at the moment and getting a new curtain, curtain liner, shower mat, rug, towel (singular), etc. and I have gone over all this before in previous blog posts. What I haven't gone over, though, is that I was thinking about buying a new writing desk for my apartment (instead of simply using the kitchen/living room desk built into the apartment right now) because I wanted a dedicated desk for...I don't know the reasoning behind it. I am not going to make that purchase. Or keep the LexMod accent chair that has been in my apartment for a year (looking pretty) and having onlybeen sat in like five times since I took possession of it. That chair is getting pitched today. I am not going to buy more furniture for this already tiny 430 sq ft studio apartment because there is no room for it + no need to.

I am re-committing myself to my Spartan/Dogmatic minimalist ways and decluttering a bit today.

Starting the day fresh with 4:45 AM coffee and feeling good about life :D

Nästa vecka kommer jag att genomgå en stor röntgen, veckan därefter kommer jag möta min läkare för en utvärdering av cellgifterna. Då kommer vi se svart på vitt vilken effekt de har på tumören. Bilderna kommer att jämföras med de första bilderna som tog i april. Så på många sätt är det ganska avgörande saker som ligger framför.

Det här gör att jag just nu befinner mig i ett läge där det är lätt att pendla mellan hopp och vanmakt. Det är lätt att fantasin målar upp olika scenarier vilket gör att frestelsen att lämna nuet och oroa sig för morgondagen blir en verklig kamp.

Apropå att “leva i nuet”. Här får ni något att fundera på som jag tänkt på och tror är sant i alla fall utifrån min situation och erfarenhet:

“Lidande gör ibland klyschor till sanningar men också sanningar till klyschor”

Har förresten börjat samlat ihop alla önskemål om blogginnehåll och kommer att börja skriva utifrån det snart.

Tack för era böner och omsorger!

What they are really saying is profitable blogging is dead. There are basically two ways people can make money from #blogging: charge for it upfront or run ads. With the use of ad-blockers by everyone, everywhere, it seems that the former is the only way to make any money from a blog – and with that said, very few have had success with a paid blogging model. If it were as easy as it sounds, a lot more people would be doing it.

So that means blogging is free, right?

Well, not for the person #writing the blog posts. They are still spending time + energy to write said posts and they could be using that time/energy on other things as well. Time is money, yada yada.

But in terms of “is blogging dead?”, the answer is- No. A lot of people still run blogs for the sake of running blogs despite everyone's time + attention being siphoned off on social media and if they (the reader) are not checking their socials, they are usually not using the Internet. It (the Internet) is more like a platform for content creators to share with other content creators. But whether money comes in from the blogging aspect of content creation – No. The answer is still no.

I slept from ~10 PM until five minutes ago and I slept well, so I seriously doubt I will be able to go back to sleep, so coffee it is. I also have a huge graduation party to attend tomorrow for my cousin, and it is gonna be hot as fuck outside with a 100+ heat index(!)

So, the Web app (jotttt is the name, but I will refer to it as the Web app so people know what it is I am talking about) is going to be started on in August, afterall. I decided that even though using a RPi as my only computer is a pain in the ass (sometimes), it is better than nothing. Plus, there is nothing stopping me from ordering a Chromebook Plus in September as planned. No need to choose between the two.

Of course there is still the bathroom to finish, the wall banner to be bought, and things of this nature – but tossing a RPi 4 kit on top of that will not be so bad, I don't think. Just have the apartment (and bills) as priority #1, is all. As it should be. #adulting. Haha

Be back in a bit!

Sometimes it takes a big bad scary thing to happen in your life to make big positive changes.

Several times in my life this has occurred. While it's happening its hard to see the other side of things. You feel like you will despair and turn to the ash you feel like.

It comes down to fight or flight. In a crisis do you fight? or do you flight? It is a human trait that is so ingrained you cannot do anything to stop the reaction.

I have often been glad that I have a fight reaction. I have fought a housefire, a sexual assault and a desire to end my own life all because of this part of my human nature. I have come out on the other side alive. Not always glad that I did at first, but always grateful in the long term.

I am in another fight. I will win again. I refuse to let something other than myself dictate what will take me down. When it is my time I will go. But it won't be because of something I can control.

This is a lifelong fight to keep from becoming a burden to myself and others.

So while I am not grateful for my circumstances I am grateful that is has kicked in my fight.

I'm already feeling more like me. It's amazing what our bodies are built to do.

As my body becomes more strong so will my mind. I am going to keep telling myself this. I won't stop telling myself this.

I don't love who I am. I don't love what I have become.

But maybe... just maybe I am worth fighting for. Maybe when I am proud of me I can love me.

Maybe then I can love someone else as well.

Time will tell.

Here we go.

　　顾厦将黎栗侧翻着身，他密不可分的贴着他的后背，健壮的手臂从后面圈住了他纤细的腰身，胯下昂扬的肉棒挤入了黎栗腿间，蹭过臀缝，猛烈地抽插起来。还时不时吻上去与他唇齿相依。 　　 　　他仍不满足，一只手按住黎栗的腹部使得他的翘臀更贴近自己；另一只手则按住他两条长腿使其并拢，让他的快感更加猛烈。 　　 　　他的肉棒夹在对方双腿间剧烈摩擦抽插着，还故意大力地借力撞击他的囊袋和肉棒，一时间，在房里居然也充斥着“啪啪啪”的声音，而黎栗两腿间细嫩的肌肤也被摩擦地通红。 　　 　　没过多久，顾厦粗喘着气口里念着黎栗的名字将今晚最后一发射在了他双腿之间。顾厦压住他不住地喘息着，而黎栗身上以及身下的床单却是一片狼藉，顾厦不舍地从黎栗身上爬起，一把抱起黎栗往浴室走去。 　　 　　“黎栗，你最好快点爱上我，否则......” 　　 　　

More coffee. More sleepless nights. More writing!

I finally fessed up to what I have been working on on the jotttt blog (here – https://write.as/jotttt/lemme-be-clear) and how this is going to be a great thing for myself to work on and hopefully help some other people write more often. The clarity that comes with a daily “log” of sorts can be life-changing, indeed.

So I am going to get the RPi that I mentioned a few days ago (the newly-released model 4) and give that a whirl and see what comes next. All in due time.

Be back in a bit!

Technically all day long is “my time”, but I wish I were occupying “my time” with more productive habits such as, you know...building this app! The more I think about it, the more I do not want to “suffer through” a month + w/o a computer.

Time to look t the budget, I guess. Haha

Turns I misunderstood the concept of family chords. They are not the same as major chords.

Robin was kind enough to clarify the issue on Udemy's Q&A section, and it makes sense to me. Sort of. I understand there are thousands upon thousands of piano chords one can potentially learn. But for the sake of efficiency and health of my arms, it makes sense to only learn chords that are in songs I actually want to play.

Based on that realisation, I know what my next step is.

In other news... I finished Piano and Song by Friedrich Wieck today. It's a strange book, written in an eloquent style that is over-the-top. I found it enjoyable for just that reason, and because it offers lots of direction and advice for both piano teachers and students.

Here's Wieck's Rules for Piano Pupils. As you read this list in your mind, do it with a stuffy english accent and roll your r's.

You must never begin to learn a second piece until you have entirely conquered the first.
You ought to fix your eyes very carefully on the notes, and not to trust to memory; otherwise, you will never learn to play at sight.
In order to avoid the habit of false fingering, you should not play any piece which is not marked for the proper fingers.
You should learn to play chords and skipping notes, without looking at the keys, as this interferes with a prompt reading of the notes.
You must learn to count nicely in playing, in order always to keep strict time.

He also follows up with this advice:

Play and practise the bass part a great deal and very often, first slowly, then quicker, during one or two weeks, before playing the right hand with it, in order that you may give your whole attention to playing the bass correctly, delicately, and surely.

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