And other things. (case: 260902)

The Dream

KH Q/A study session RV conducting. Doesn’t call on me. For some reason, I have to go outside to get a box of literature. Stacks of books, hard to carry.

Since I am near the front of the building, I decide to open the stage door. I don't know why. I'm COMPLETELY embarrassed when I try to go in next to the stage and the sun is shining in the door, the heat rushing in, and the entire congregation is just staring at me.

I sheepishly extract myself and close the door.

Go to the main entrance at the back and slip in.

I try again to participate by raising my hand, but the conductor continues to ignore me.

As I stand out of frustration, someone points out that I am nearly naked, standing in blue underwear.

I complain I never get called on.

The conductor, RV ends hourlong discussion 30m early.

I grouse to those around me that we shouldn't be stopping so soon.

AG walks onto the stage, he seems to be our chairman.

I can’t understand him. He is speaking loudly enough, but his words make no sense. Like the wah-wah-wah on the Peanuts cartoons.

He starts to play a video.

Suddenly:

I am on the beach at a wide lazy river. Lots of people float by in inner tubes. It is very easy and lighthearted. Everyone is friendly. Like a 1950's suburban bar-b-que. I feel like I am having fun. I drink beer.

An otter swims up and nuzzles and cradles in my arm.

Everyone e ‘aaaawwwww’.

But it makes me nervous. I can feel/smell its waterproof coating.

But the kindness of the watchers makes me relax and enjoy the encounter.

I hug and nuzzle back.

Then: real life comes stomping in.

MW wakes me up. It is predawn, orange shards are dappling the wall past my feet sticking out and dancing on the shorted covers. It looks like there is wind this morning. Probably just the sun heating the atmosphere.

I was up late, so I lie and take in my existence. Pray. Breathe. Think of a poem about the dappling light.

The Poem

Pigments wake early, before the world, to play.

They are little gorgeous children.

My children this morning, mischievous.

How happy my babies are.

Land-O-Nod

I fall back asleep.

I am at the beach again. But it is noisier. Ocean now. White sand and wind. No people this time. Just me. All of me. The water is green and I can taste the salt spray.

My hair is sticky and matted like I've been swimming. I run my fingers through it to break up the clumps. I feel it turning blonder, like ice cracking.

I always like salty hair.

Another otter comes out of the surf and sizes me up. This one is larger, but likes me. It comes and we lie in the sand and it nuzzles and hugs me.

It feels so warm and soft. The fur is like a blanket warm against the wind.

I want to share this comfort with my friends, but they are not here.

I wake again. The light is fully up now.

And, I suppose, so am I.

---

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My read: The Otter Knows Me

Look how social I am. :–/

Public and learning. Love it! But I don't get to share. :–( Try try try, but I feel ignored. Unseen. Invisible. Until I get ridiculous. Until they need a weak mind and a strong back. then: EXOSURE!!

The sunlight. The heat. They're all gonna laugh at me!

And then, wonderfully cruelly, I'm not merely embarrassed—I'm almost naked. but, notice, I'm not paralyzed. I recall? shock maybe, but then just keep on keeping on. This is me baby! Like it or lump it!

Dream logic: I want to participate, but when I finally enter the room, I discover I've been participating wrong.

not being heard not being seen and dismayed but not terrified of being seen too much

TENSION!

My big complaint isn't 'I need clothes, cover me.' it's 'Why won't anybody call on me?'

The dream's answer: Because I'm already worried about what will happen if they do.

Blue underwear. At least I had them. I wonder why blue. Blue is a comfort color. My favorite. Def not a sexual input. Just regular, awkward me.

Human.

All the social mores are kind of dumped or deleted:

No books. No proper entrance. No role. No authority. No carefully constructed participation. Just me.

And then RV ends the discussion early. I'm are frustrated again because there wasn't enough time to be heard.

Comically consistent. Like life.

Then AG becomes chairman and speaks loudly—I hate that I think I've come to dislike him to the point of avoidance. I need to work on tihs. I can feel the emotion in my dream.

Maybe that's why I can't understand what he's saying.

First, authority figure won't call here; now authority figure is talking, but language itself has broken down.

“Wah-wah-wah.”

The institutional/social world has become meaningless.

Down to the River

Video: And the dream escapes. In comes the otter.

Wild switch. Super dreamy. And totally made sense in the dream. I always love dream-logic. Or its' absence. And the intensity that comes and goes on the astral plane.

Swap from big room full of performance, to the wide open wild where everyone, even nature accepts me. Loves me. Desires me.

No evaluaations. No questions. No conductors. Permissions.

Just easy, enjoyable floating.

And beer. Beer is always nice.

The atmosphere is almost aggressively wholesome: 1950s suburban barbecue, friendly strangers, innertubes, beer, sunlight, water.

A world where participation requires almost nothing.

Just jump in and join the current.

And we switch again when my friendly otter arrives. No explanation required. No questions No right/wrong answers. Just nuggles and water. and plenty of good energy.

EVERYONE loved me! That was really wonderful.

The social gaze that was horrifying in the first half has completely changed.

Wonder: did the audience change, or did I?

I definitely have.

Yet, I'm are nervous.

There's a word for that aroma water-born mammals have... can't think of it. Strange I noticed it... or was aware of it. Scent is SO powerful.

Smelling/feeling the oil on its fur.

This ain't no disney cartoon. This is REAL!

Wet. Oily. Strange. Alive.

But not entirely comfortable. There's some awkwardness, but it quickly dissolves.

It's really kind of beautiful that that I think about it.

Like I'm learning: I can experience something strange without immediately needing to retreat from it. I don't have to pretend the otter isn't weird. I don't have to pretend I'm not nervous. I can be nervous and stay.

Then, I accept it. Wholly.

Aaaaaand MW wakes me up. Bad timing. I was really deep.

So deep, i resist the urge to immediately get up and resume the machinery of life. Just lie there. Prayer and breathe.

Do you think those are the essentials of life? I do.

We need to revise the rule of threes: Air – 3 minutes or death Water – 3 days or death Food – 3 weeks (or is it months) or death

Where do we put prayer in that pyramid?

Pray incessantly, after all.

My dumb little poem. I like to write about morning light. It feels unique and intimate. Even though everyone experiences it. Wonder if anyone else ever cries thinking about light.

I don't. Not all the time anyway.

Here, I am simply experiencing existence. Light. Breath. Prayer. Thought. Being.

Kind of perfect.Which is why I fell back asleep. X-D

Ocean Side Property

Rarely to dreams resume. And this one really didn't In fact, Otter 2.0 is different. The first one was social. This... this is private. Solitary. Intimate.

No one to impress.

Just: the beach the ocean the wind the sand

Explicitly: “Just me. All of me.”

Is it weird that I feel safest of all when I am alone?

Shift and molt as needed.

I do love people and my friends. Some are just easier to absorb than others. And I feel like so few absorb me.

Not that they need to.

I think this is the heart of the dream. Not alone in the sense of abandoned. Alone in the sense of undivided.

Part 1: a lone wolf trying to find his place among people. Part 2: the lone, finding audience when no one is asking anything.

Wish I had salty hair this morning. It's so long. it would be perfect to dunk and listen to it turn blond under the waning summer sun.

Fingers through the hair. We all carry a built-in comb.

I like that the otter doesn't just accept me, it sizes me up.

“Is this guy okay? Yeah. I like this guy.”

Very different from the opening scene. I spend the first part of the dream trying desperately to get an authority figure to choose me.

The final authority figure is an animal. And it just... chooses me.

No shirt, no shoes, no hands required.

The two otters:

Otter 001: Being accepted by others, a social world. Everyone sees the encounter. Everyone approves. Or doesn't. Clutched pearls much, m'lady?

Nervous, but approval helps you accept the experience. It's almost: “Maybe I can let people see me being vulnerable.”

Otter002: Being accepted by Meeeeeeeee! Nobody around. Doesn't matter what anyone thinks. Simply me and this creature.

And it likes me anyway.

WhOA! A big movement from social acceptance → self-acceptance.

My coupe de gras: “And, I suppose, so am I.” That's a killer ending.

This thing has three meanings sitting on top of each other: Physically woke up. literally up. Something inside has risen. Do we call that metaphor?

I'm a writer, I should know. Or at least google it. Too lazy. you get what you get. If you stuck around this long, wrong language ain't going to shooting milk out of your nose.

This isn't some grand spiritual transformation. Not: THE SLEEPER IN ME HAS AWAKENED!

Just: I guess, I'm feeling a thing this morning.

Do you like me: believable Tentative. Humorous. Grounded.

Ironic to feel so comfortable writing about this after a dream that spent so much time worrying about being exposed.

I am tired of having to earn my place in the room. I want to be heard, but being heard makes me vulnerable. I want people to see me, but I am afraid of what they will see. I want meaningful participation, but the structures in which I am trying to participate sometimes feel increasingly arbitrary or incomprehensible.

I don't always have to perform my worth.

🛟 I can float. 🍺 I can drink a beer. 🦦 I can be nervous around an otter. 👃I can smell the animal and feel its strange waterproof coat. 👀I can be seen. 💧 I can be alone. 🌊 I can have salty hair. 🏖️ I can lie in the sand.

And something wild can come out of the water, look at me, and decide that I am worth cuddling.

Maybe the deepest contrast isn't congregation vs. beach.

It's: “Will they call on me?” versus “I am here.” And the dream ends when you finally realize that the second one might be enough.

Miss you, otter.

Miss you, a lot.

---

#amber #orbit #poetry #ghost #glass #undertow

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The full moon has been shining big on the sky all week, infusing me with Lupine radiance. Today, however, the moon was only 80% full. Ironically its shine was the strongest one of all.

That’s a comforting thought, I think

I can’t believe how lucky I am with all of these things I have got going for me, how loved I am and what a meaningful (by my own measure) life I live

And yet at the same time, I’m really struggling

It doesn’t make no sense

To say I’m not clever enough to grasp it all may be true, but I’m not going to use that as an excuse not to try

Sometimes I think it’s cowardice standing in my way of making sense of this life, you know

How uncomfortable it can be to look into the mirror and

And sometimes other people too

Sometimes they aren’t what you think

Sometimes you know this I know this, and at the same time not

But also have some self compassion

Where is my self compassion

Where did I put it

I’m confused now, because I just discovered it and I’m still not sure

How to use it

#poetry

Eyes on screens see with no sense of true scale The cosmos can be reduced to an inch The colors of reality made pale And all can be rearranged with a pinch Do you want to erode your will to live? Do you want to see without being seen? Do you want to waste what you have to give? All this and more can be found on the screen. Stop! Do you remember your childhood? When your mirror was your parents' faces, When the veil was thin, between you and Good, And love and hate not warped, public races? Go outside if you want to remember. Love on the scale of love, and no other.

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#poetry #sonnet

Thank you for reading! I greatly regret that I will most likely never be able to meet you in person and shake your hand, but perhaps we can virtually shake hands via my newsletter, social media, or a cup of coffee sent over the wire. They are poor substitutes, but they can be a real grace in this intractable world.

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