spoiler alert: really sappy, full of drama, PMS kind of stuff
how i'm planning to deal with my (unusual) situation
the man i'm with – for a few months now – turns out to have two children from another woman. they broke up some years ago.
his ex has moved on and recently married. he doesn't have contact with his children anymore.
i asked him why and he said that he didn't want to interfere with his ex's new family. husband had jealousy issues towards him. he was living the life of a happy go lucky bachelor when i entered the picture.
i didn't know all this when we got together. just a couple days ago i found out that he actually has 2 baby mamas and three kids. the first child was put up for adoption. i think he briefly lived with the mother of his second child, then they went separate ways just after (accidentally(?)) conceiving his third child.
i've known about his youngest child. i actually thought that she was his only child. she has a facebook profile, which she used to comment on a picture of us, and that's pretty much where all the hell started.
i was in the dark for a few months, and i resent him for it. i hate him for not telling me the truth upfront. so he's expecting that i'll be okay with a sudden knock from our door concerning his 2 children i didn't know existed?
i thought his ties to his child has been severed, since the child was put up for adoption. but in fact, he also had a common law wife – not really sure about the nature of their relationship – with two kids. they separated, she moved on, he stopped seeing the kids and decided to just leave them all alone. he basically gave up his paternity.
just the other day i encouraged him to revive his ties with his children. he asked if it was going to be okay with me.
being such an angel bitch i said, yeah, why not – they came in your life before i did and you have responsibilities as a parent.
then i learn that he actually has more than one child. i freaked out. i really, really, freaked out.
fast forward to today.
my heart is still sore from all the hurt. plus, i think i'm having a depressive episode, so this thing is really taking a kick on my sanity.
my main issue is the fact that he lied to me by omission. he made a fool out of me, he kept me in the dark.
it hurts to realize that he didn't trust me enough to show his true self to me. this is my biggest problem.
this will take some time to heal, if this isn't permanent damage.
to hell with my hurt feelings. this one i gotta deal with on my own.
now the secondary issue is how this fact will be affecting our relationship dynamics in the future. it is going to be a lot lot more complicated because i actually want to start a family with him.
we've been trying, and it's so frustrating that im not even pregnant yet. it feels like everytime i get a BFN it's a slap on my face. other women got so easily pregnant with his children.
i feel like shit.
i don't want to feel like shit.
so here's a list of things that are out of my control and i must let go of.
- his relationship with his children. his being there for them or not shouldn't be my problem.
- his children.i should stop stalking his pretty daughter online.
- his ex. yeah his ex tried to spark an issue recently by putting some comments on our social media. but i guess i should distance myself from her as much as possible.
they – internet articles – said i should develop a relationship with his ex and his kids, but fuck it. fuck it. the less relationships i have in my life, the better. heaven knows i cant stand stress. i can't have people who could possibly betray me or hurt me.
i am deciding to relegate these matters as outside of my life and our relationship, although they are really just hovering in the background.
i guess what's causing me pain is my inability to let him go.
i should let him deal with the things that he needs to deal with. on his own. i should let him go. the root of all suffering is desire, and in my situation, i've been desiring to have the omniscience, the upperhand, the control on things.
i guess i should just learn to live each day as it passes. live the moment with all its imperfection. with what it has, with what it lacks. i can only hope for the best, i guess.
so i should accept him for who he is, and finally have my peace.
i must draw my limits. i am making a commitment to never bring up the word about his kids again. that belongs to his little private corner. yes i would prefer that we're fully transparent with each other, but i guess that's not going to really happen. he must go about his parenting however he wants to do it.
so i should shut up about how he should treat his children from his past. that's up to him. he has reasons why he doesn't communicate with them anymore.
unless it's concerning children of our own, i should shut up.
his kids are not mine. i shouldn't come to them. they should be the one to come to me. i don't want to try too hard and be a stupid stepmother in the future.
so, yeah, there it goes.
i should worry about the things that truly matter to me. the ones i have direct control of. like the relationship between him and me, our life together, and my own life.
i myself am such a handful to begin with. i shouldn't have time for auxiliary matters like other children who might hate me. doesnt matter if it's my partner's kids. if they dont want me, then no. if they can meet me with mutual respect, then, okay – i'll be a nice woman to them.
never liked kids in the first place.
and so, i guess i'll return to living my life as an independent, happy woman in her twenty's, and act like how i should. confident, aware of my achievements, and being totally chill.
i might go back to yoga, bodybuilding, or just keep writing. and reading. or be a fat cat. read some books. pick up a hobby. do calligraphy, idk.
anything except worry about exes from toxic relationships, estranged fathers, and kids who are not mine.
If I get another word or comment from his ex or kids again I'm going to kill them with sweetness.