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Anonymous

There are people and there are trees and I know I've said it a million times but our arrogance compensates for infinite lack-of-control.

A quality to be respected, as we do. But none to be admired, less to say it is true.

#personal

#poetry

 
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from O Idiota

Foi interessante ver o passado recente (este fim de semana, no caso) e notar como sou um total imbecil, um idiota full-ultra-master.

Vejam só: comi carne na sexta-feira. Comi porque o pessoal da minha empresa me convidou e eu não quis fazer desfeita. Enquanto comia, pensava comigo mesmo que era só dormir no chão naquele dia à noite que não tinha problema, eu estaria apenas fazendo uma troca de penitências. Achei válido na hora.

Dormi no chão na noite da sexta para o sábado. A culpa veio. Achei que tinha cometido um pecado mortal por comer carne na sexta-feira. Sempre que eu cometo um pecado mortal, desabo na hora. Fico pensando em quando vai ser a próxima confissão. Fico imaginando o que aconteceria se eu morresse antes de conseguir me confessar. Talvez eu chegaria na porta do céu e São Pedro diria:

— “Hm... aqui está que você comeu carne na sexta. Que pena! Infelizmente você vai ser obrigado a passar a eterninade no inferno, onde os demônios vão te entupir de carne podre por todos os buracos enquanto você é obrigado a assistir o vídeo da música da Gordelícia em loop infinito.”

*Dá uma olhadela em alguns papéis na mesa ao lado, risca alguma coisa com a caneta, lambe o dedo, passa para a próxima página da lista que está segurando e faz um sinal para o Anjo assistente*

— “Próximo!

Entrei em um estado de depressão profunda. Fui tentado por outros impulsos e acabei comentendo mais uns três outros pecados mortais, se é que me entendem. Virou uma bola de neve. Aí descobri que, na sexta-feira em que eu comi carne, não tinha abstinência de carne, pois teoricamente ainda estaríamos na festa da páscoa! Todo esse sofrimento por nada!

Felizmente, nesta festa da misericórida, consegui abordar o padre ao final da missa, e arranquei uma confissão dele.

Mas ainda estou indignado comigo mesmo. Acho que eu não preciso de nenhum demônio pra me perseguir. Eu faço as armadilhas para mim mesmo, caio nelas e, atordoado e sem saber direito o que acabou de acontecer, ainda boto a culpa em algum demônio. Até mesmo a minha própria fé se torna em uma armadilha perigosa nas minhas mãos.

Eu com certeza devo ser o pior católico da face dessa Terra, ou ao menos estou no “Top 10”.

#Catolicismo #Personal #Textos #Fé #Pecado #Mortal #Depressão #Armadilhas

 
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from O Idiota

Eu sempre fui um católico muito fervoroso, no sentido meramente superficial da coisa. Demorou um tempo até eu admitir isso.

A grande verdade é que eu nunca realmente acreditei em Deus, embora eu rezasse, embora eu confessasse, embora eu chorasse e a Ele confidenciasse todas as coisas. Não que eu não acredite mais na existência de Deus — eu ainda acredito que Ele existe, que é onisciente, onipresente, onipotente e tudo o mais o que vem com a definição.

Mas é isso o que Ele sempre foi pra mim: uma presença abstrata, distante, muda. Eu não acredito nesse Deus que está presente conosco em todos os dias de nossa vida, até o fim do mundo. Eu não acredito na sua presença real, potente, capaz de nos escutar e de nos responder: essa presença pessoal e íntima. Eu sempre acreditei em uma presença fria.

Talvez seja por isso que hoje em dia eu já não sinta mais nenhuma culpa por pecar, por ofender uma pessoa. Deus é uma pessoa. Eu sei muito bem o quão envergonhado eu fico quando eu ofendo uma pessoa por trás e ela fica sabendo, ou depois do calor de um momento de ânimos exaltados. Não tarda até eu tentar pedir desculpas ou arranjar maneiras de amenizar a situação, comprar um presente ou fazer algo pela pessoa ofendida para demonstrar que me arrependi das minhas ofensas.

E por que com Deus eu não sinto isso? Eu não sinto a menor vergonha, não sinto vontade de me emendar, de tentar consertar a relação entre eu e Ele, de tentar reatar o laço quebrado. Tudo isso porque, concluo, eu não acredito realmente na pessoa de Jesus Cristo. Talvez eu só acredite em um punhado de doutrinas e definições — todas, em si e por si mesmas, vazias.

Andei rezando, se é que minhas orações valem qualquer coisa neste estado em que estou, para Deus me dar algo para que eu possa acreditar. Algo em que realmente acreditar. Algo pelo que lutar.

Como alguém que não acredita em nada pode ter motivo para fazer qualquer coisa? Como pode viver alguém que não tem nada pelo que lutar? O que existe para reatar, se eu não me relaciono realmente com Deus?

Pedi por qualquer coisa que me fizesse perceber a presença concreta de Deus na minha vida. Nem que seja uma namorada (quem sabe?). Qualquer coisa concreta.

Quem sabe assim, talvez, eu consiga me reerguer dessa falta de motivação que eu tenho sentido ultimamente, que tira todas as minhas forças e não me deixa nem trabalhar.

#Personal #Textos #Motivação #Deus #Sentido #Vida #Fé

 
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from O Idiota

Alguém aí sabe ler um mapa astrológico? UItimamente eu tenho estado muito curioso com relação a esse assunto.

Eu sei, eu sei... eu sou católico. Mas em minha defesa, São Tomás de Aquino tinha muito interesse na astrologia também. Afinal, se a Lua, que é tão pequena, afeta as marés e tantas outras coisas mais, porque não imaginar que outros corpos celestes — muito maiores que a Lua — possam afetar a nossa vida na Terra também?

O que acho inválido é que as pessoas dêem ares de algo esotérico, misterioso e mágico a um assunto que bem poderia ser um problema científico — muito válido, aliás — a ser investigado.

Não concordo com o uso da astrologia para prever o futuro, até porque isso soa simplesmente ridículo (se o futuro fosse realmente determinado e pudesse ser “calculado” de alguma maneira, ainda assim as variáveis seriam potencialmente infinitas em quantidade, tornando o cálculo impossível — qualquer um com o mínimo senso de lógica concorda com isso, nenhuma ciência nem supercomputador do mundo é capaz de prever o futuro), mas não nego que talvez a posição dos planetas possa afetar nossos corpos de maneira física (por exemplo, alterando o nosso humor, disposição e temperamento).

Sempre achei interessante o fato de que a maioria dos horóscopos do meu signo conseguem definir com sucesso alguns traços da minha personalidade, enquanto os horóscopos dos outros signos simplesmente não conseguem acertar quase nada.

E aí, alguém habilitado?

#Personal #Astrologia #Textos #Personalidade

 
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Anonymous

#personal

spoiler alert: really sappy, full of drama, PMS kind of stuff

how i'm planning to deal with my (unusual) situation

the man i'm with – for a few months now – turns out to have two children from another woman. they broke up some years ago.

his ex has moved on and recently married. he doesn't have contact with his children anymore.

i asked him why and he said that he didn't want to interfere with his ex's new family. husband had jealousy issues towards him. he was living the life of a happy go lucky bachelor when i entered the picture.

i didn't know all this when we got together. just a couple days ago i found out that he actually has 2 baby mamas and three kids. the first child was put up for adoption. i think he briefly lived with the mother of his second child, then they went separate ways just after (accidentally(?)) conceiving his third child.

i've known about his youngest child. i actually thought that she was his only child. she has a facebook profile, which she used to comment on a picture of us, and that's pretty much where all the hell started.

i was in the dark for a few months, and i resent him for it. i hate him for not telling me the truth upfront. so he's expecting that i'll be okay with a sudden knock from our door concerning his 2 children i didn't know existed?

i thought his ties to his child has been severed, since the child was put up for adoption. but in fact, he also had a common law wife – not really sure about the nature of their relationship – with two kids. they separated, she moved on, he stopped seeing the kids and decided to just leave them all alone. he basically gave up his paternity.

just the other day i encouraged him to revive his ties with his children. he asked if it was going to be okay with me.

being such an angel bitch i said, yeah, why not – they came in your life before i did and you have responsibilities as a parent.

then i learn that he actually has more than one child. i freaked out. i really, really, freaked out.

fast forward to today.

my heart is still sore from all the hurt. plus, i think i'm having a depressive episode, so this thing is really taking a kick on my sanity.

my main issue is the fact that he lied to me by omission. he made a fool out of me, he kept me in the dark.

it hurts to realize that he didn't trust me enough to show his true self to me. this is my biggest problem.

this will take some time to heal, if this isn't permanent damage.

to hell with my hurt feelings. this one i gotta deal with on my own.

now the secondary issue is how this fact will be affecting our relationship dynamics in the future. it is going to be a lot lot more complicated because i actually want to start a family with him.

we've been trying, and it's so frustrating that im not even pregnant yet. it feels like everytime i get a BFN it's a slap on my face. other women got so easily pregnant with his children.

i feel like shit.

i don't want to feel like shit.

so here's a list of things that are out of my control and i must let go of.

  • his relationship with his children. his being there for them or not shouldn't be my problem.
  • his children.i should stop stalking his pretty daughter online.
  • his ex. yeah his ex tried to spark an issue recently by putting some comments on our social media. but i guess i should distance myself from her as much as possible.

they – internet articles – said i should develop a relationship with his ex and his kids, but fuck it. fuck it. the less relationships i have in my life, the better. heaven knows i cant stand stress. i can't have people who could possibly betray me or hurt me.

i am deciding to relegate these matters as outside of my life and our relationship, although they are really just hovering in the background.

like ghosts.

i guess what's causing me pain is my inability to let him go.

i should let him deal with the things that he needs to deal with. on his own. i should let him go. the root of all suffering is desire, and in my situation, i've been desiring to have the omniscience, the upperhand, the control on things.

i guess i should just learn to live each day as it passes. live the moment with all its imperfection. with what it has, with what it lacks. i can only hope for the best, i guess.

so i should accept him for who he is, and finally have my peace.

i must draw my limits. i am making a commitment to never bring up the word about his kids again. that belongs to his little private corner. yes i would prefer that we're fully transparent with each other, but i guess that's not going to really happen. he must go about his parenting however he wants to do it.

so i should shut up about how he should treat his children from his past. that's up to him. he has reasons why he doesn't communicate with them anymore.

unless it's concerning children of our own, i should shut up.

his kids are not mine. i shouldn't come to them. they should be the one to come to me. i don't want to try too hard and be a stupid stepmother in the future.

so, yeah, there it goes.

i should worry about the things that truly matter to me. the ones i have direct control of. like the relationship between him and me, our life together, and my own life.

i myself am such a handful to begin with. i shouldn't have time for auxiliary matters like other children who might hate me. doesnt matter if it's my partner's kids. if they dont want me, then no. if they can meet me with mutual respect, then, okay – i'll be a nice woman to them.

never liked kids in the first place.

and so, i guess i'll return to living my life as an independent, happy woman in her twenty's, and act like how i should. confident, aware of my achievements, and being totally chill.

i might go back to yoga, bodybuilding, or just keep writing. and reading. or be a fat cat. read some books. pick up a hobby. do calligraphy, idk.

anything except worry about exes from toxic relationships, estranged fathers, and kids who are not mine.

PS.

If I get another word or comment from his ex or kids again I'm going to kill them with sweetness.

 
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from LuckyLola

#Personal #Love #Sex #Why

I couldn't get Noah off my mind. Every day I thought about him. He would call me and we would FaceTime for hours. We would tell each other everything. Every minuscule detail that had occurred before we met each other was shared. I knew everything about his family, friends, and past lovers. I couldn't believe I had found someone so amazing. I have talked to many guys in the past and dated a few but no one feels as right as Noah. It seemed like we complimented each other perfectly. I am a very ditsy person, he was always focussed. I need energy from a lot of people and love to be the center of attention, he loved to listen and give people attention. And we both adored the arts, we could talk for hours about music and different artists. We talked every other day on the phone for about two months. Before long I felt so confident in our relationship, that I bought a plane ticket to go see him.

I have always lived around cities but never IN them. He lives in one. I get off the plane and find his van sitting outside the airport awaiting my arrival. He jumps out and helps me with my bags. It feels unreal. Reality hits me and I am reminded that I am staying with someone I have only been in person with a hand full of times. I decide to push past those thoughts and kiss him. That felt right. We take his van to his apartment. He had moved in that day so there was no furniture but I didn't mind because I was told I could help him decorate.

We go get food and he shows me around the city. It's stunning, he takes me to some wonderful art attractions and we pick up right where we left off. While we are standing in line to go see a mosaic museum, he looks at me and says,

“How tall are you?”

“5'5” I respond.

“Wait are you serious? Really?” his eyes lit up.

“Yeah, why?” I ask

He explains to me that at his work (he worked at a fucking bakery how cute is that) that his boss is a Persian woman who is super spiritual. She had come to him the night before during work and said she had a vision about who he was going to marry. A woman who is 5'5 and blonde. Noah never told his boss who I was or that I was coming in town the next day. He was absolutely floored and elated that I fit the description. Secretly I was too but I didn't wanna show it.

“Oh, so are you saying we're going to get married?” I said snarkily

“Uh... No.. I don't know I just thought it was cool” He said embarrassed.

I felt rude for my comment and decided to show him a picture I had drawn when I was 16. I had titled it “My Future Husband.” It looked remarkably like him.

We go back to Noah's apartment and his roommate, Chris, answers the door. Noah goes to say hello and is taken back when he notices there's blood pouring from his roommates face. Apoxiametly 10 minutes before we walked in the door, Chris was beaten, tied up, and robbed at gunpoint. I give Chris some pain killers I had been saving for a lazy night and then we talk about how miraculous it is that we didn't walk in. They were threating to kill Chris and who knows what could have happened if we had interrupted their robbery scheme. What a nice place I was for the weekend right? Oh well, fuck it.

This sounds strange but have you ever met someone whom “life” just happens to? Like events line up perfectly for them and everything always falls into place. They get into the craziest situations and life blesses them constantly with stories and wild experiences. Well, this is going to sound narcissistic, but that's me. Lucky Lola. Maybe you will believe me more when I start talking about things other than college romance. And that's Noah too. When we are together, I swear it's like electricity. Event after event after event of perfect timing, it's like the universe's favorite comedy, just enough bad in our lives for some humor and so much good its unfair for others.

Noah and I get drunk and go mini golfing, have sex, go to sleep. We then go to an art gallery which just happens to have all 5 of Noah and I's favorite artists along with one piece that I was telling him about on the way from the airport (we weren't aware of what would be in the gallery.) Noah then has this idea to take me to one of his favorite budlings. We sneak into this hotel and manage to make it to the very top floor. He picks the lock from the stairwell and breaks us onto the roof. One of the most beautiful scenes I've ever seen is located on the top of that skyscraper, looking at the city skyline. Were touching the cloud as we eat our dinner and talk more about life. Once we're done eating we start making out. Which leads to sex. Although its broad daylight, we don't give a fuck. After a few minutes of doggy style so we can both see the view. We hear cheering from our right. Three men from the penthouse of the skyscraper over were jumping up and down watching us. Noah and I continued on with our business and waved at them while laughing. We dropped down to finish out of sight. I made sure to give them another wave when we left the rooftop.

The weekend continues. Noah had never taken molly before so he secured some the weekend before I visited so that I could be with him for his first time. We went to a bar and took it on the way out after a few drinks. It didn't take long until we were in his room wrapped in each other's arms, blasting music, and making love. The morning comes and I didn't want to leave. We had stayed up talking the entire night besides for one measly hour. The weekend was more than perfect but I felt like I wasn't done. I never feel like I'm done when it comes to Noah (Besides in sex lol). We get up and he drives me to the airport. The last thing he says to me before I board my plane is,

“Next time I see you, it will be like you never left.”

I board my flight. Were on the runway about to take off. I'm sitting there thinking about how much I don't want to go home. Then the pilot comes on the intercom and tells everyone on the plane that our flight is being canceled because of weather. I call Noah and he comes and picks me up. We both agreed that it wasn't time for me to leave and we spent the whole day listening to music and painting.

I ask him that night what he thinks of me. He tells me he loves to be around me. I tell him I wish we lived in the same place and that we both didn't recently get out of long term relationships. He tells me that I'm still blonde and that I'm still 5'5 and that we didn't have to be together right away. I should have paid more attention to the energy he gave off during that conversation. He was noticing how head over heels I was for him, I could see his ego growing but I didn't care. I was still blonde and I was still 5'5.

He drops me off at the airport for a second time. I stuck out my right hand to shake his to ensure our business partnership. He slaps it away and goes

“Quit with that. We'll never be able to be business partners now.”

I kiss him goodbye. And start planning when I'll be back in his city with him again. Falsely hoping it will be similar to the first time.

 
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from LuckyLola

#Personal #Love #Sex #Real #Storytime

So we get back home to celebrate Bonnie's birthday and all is well. I didn't see her until later in the night with Noah and she didn't seem to suspect a thing. I chatted with Noah every now and then but kept all our interactions friendly.

I try to avoid lying as much as possible because I know I'm good at it. I've lost a few friends because of problems with honesty in the past and I can confidently say that I didn't lie for many years after I realized my problem. I learned that creating secrets to keep from people is not a rewarding game to play. But there I was, lying to a friend of many years, on her birthday, for a boy I had just met.

We went back to Daniels apartment. Daniel was out of town but Noah was crashing in his place so went there to chill. Everybody is drinking and having a good time but I decide to leave early. I end up with a text message from Noah asking me if I want to come back and spend the night. Because I am a fucking dumb piece of shit, I said yes. He told me to wait a little bit because apparently, Bonnie wasn't getting the hint that he didn't want her to stay over that night. She was so unwilling that Noah had to get one of our mutual friends to escort her home.

After Bonnie left, I headed to Noah. We stayed up talking all night and had sex for hours. I remember my lips aching from kissing him so much. We laid there naked, chuckling, conversing. It was about 3 am when we heard a door open.

“Did you hear that?” I asked

“Yeah...Hold on.” He responded.

Noah was under the impression that someone was breaking in. I knew exactly what was happening. Bonnie has always had trouble with boundaries, especially with boys. For her, there is no reason that she shouldn't assert herself into a guy she likes apartments for a late night sesh. He shot out of bed and covered himself with a pair of shorts. I tried to cover myself with the blanket to hide my identity. She walked into the bedroom.

“Hi” said Bonnie

“What are you doing here?” said Noah

“I don't know I just wanted to come over and hang out..... Who is that?” She replied. I stayed silent.

“You need to leave,” said Noah. She didn't leave.

“You seriously need to leave. You shouldn't have come here. Get out.” He stated firmly.

After an awkward silence, Bonnie gathered her self and walked out. I was mortified. I couldn't even imagine what she must have been feeling. AND ON HER BIRTHDAY. I hate myself just as much as you guys do reading this don't worry. The next day was even worse. Noah was screamed at and ripped a new one by her. It took me several hours of explaining and apologizing to get Bonnie to forgive me for a moment. Its been about 10 months since then and only last week did I feel like our relationship had really been back to normal.

If only I had thought about how he had talked to Bonnie so rudely and what that might say about his character. If I had cut him off when I saw his red flags, then I wouldn't be in the position that I am in now.

But how could I? He was the most attractive boy I have ever been with! And we like the same things! And he's so nice to me! I can't ditch him, were business partners! Fuck you past Lola, stop screwing me over.

Noah left to go home. He asked if we could keep in touch. I said yes.

 
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from LuckyLola

#Personal #Love #Drama #Sex #Storytime

Now just because this is what's in my head right now, let's start with Noah. Also just so you know all the names I use will be changed and also a few minor details just cuz. SO, Noah. To understand the whole perplexity of him and I's situation, we need to start from the beginning.

My friend Bonnie came over one day (around 10 months ago) and told me about this guy she was interested in who she met through our mutual friend named Daniel. Daniel is the best jump roper in the world and has been for the past 6 years. He literally toured the globe, traveling, making thousands, with a jump rope. I know weird right. His best friend (who is the 4th best jump roper in the world) that he met through touring is this guy named Noah. Now Bonnie starts showing me pictures of Noah and telling me about him and I'm encouraging her to hook up with him because she just went through a breakup. She decides going to go for it and ends up inviting me to dinner with her, Noah, Daniel, and some other friends. I say yes.

I'm told to come outside and I climb in the back of this huge sketchy looking van with all my friends and Noah driving. While we're driving to our destination, I keep trying to peer in the rearview mirror to catch a glimpse of what this boy looks like (outside of Instagram.) The van pulls into the parking lot and everyone gets out. I walk to the front to greet Noah and holy fucking shit.

I am waiting for another moment where I feel like how I did when I locked eyes with that boy and I pray that It happens again with someone besides him. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you I am extremely confident and gregarious. Two of my senior superlative in high school were “most outgoing” and “life of the party.” Which I am aware high school was bullshit but I do believe those character traits are well represented currently by my personality considering high school wasn't that long ago for me. But despite my ability to feel comfortable and confident in every situation, this kid looked at me and It felt like the earth had shifted out from under me. My stomach plummeted and I could barely remember how to introduce myself.

“Hi! I don't think we've met before. I'm Rebecca.” I said trying to hold in my excitement and awe of the beautiful man I was looking at.

“I'm Noah, it's nice to meet you.” He responded.

We both smiled softly and shook and hands. Once we stopped touching I booked it ahead of the crowd. I couldn't let anyone see that I was smiling harder than I had smiled in MONTHS just from the smallest interaction with a guy THAT IS NOT MINE.

Now, I have a very strict code I follow when it comes to boys. Love them, but love the women in your life more. Boyfriends come and go but go friends will last a lifetime if you do it right. So with this, I never have found interest with any of my friend's ex-lovers or current lovers and never planned on it either. Until Noah.

I don't know if I believe in love at first sight but I will tell you that I have seen many many many drop-dead gorgeous boys, ones more attractive than Noah, and I have never felt anywhere close to what I felt when I saw him. Don't get me wrong, he is an extraordinarily handsome guy. Half eastern European and half Spanish, his looks could easily be plastered on the cover of a magazine, but STIILLL I can not understand why I was so overcome with emotion when I saw him and to this day I truly don't know.

We go inside the restaurant and to my horror his personality is magnificent. I tried my hardest to ignore him and the conversations that he held on the other side of the table but failed miserably. Every chatting session I immersed myself in would be clouded by thoughts like “who is this guy”, “I want him to talk to me”, “I need to be around him.” “Is he looking at me? Does he find me attractive?”

Dinner ends and I go home. Bonnie informs me the next day that she and Noah hooked up after we had dinner. “Good. Now he won't be inclined to talk to me and I can just keep my distance.” I thought.

Bonnie and Noah show up later to a party I was hosting and low and behold Bonnie told Noah all about my music business plans for after college and that just happens to be exactly what Noah is planning on doing as well. He comes up to me a strikes up a conversation. I find out that he's from where my sister just moved to go to medical school and they live about 30 minutes from each other. Of course. We talk about our futures and what we want he suggests we should go into business together later in life. This ends with a firm hands shake and an agreement to be “Business Partners.”

A few drinks and another day later, I'm at Daniels house with Bonnie and Noah and a few others hanging out. I can't help but be around Noah and go to sit by him. He finds out I'm an artist and proposes a draw off. He draws me. I draw him. We're bobbing our heads up and down looking at our sketches and each other faces to copy them down and we make eye contact every now and again. With Bonnie sitting right next to him, he looks at me and states confidently with a smirk.

“Mhhmm. It's so interesting to watch your pupils dilate every time you look at me”

What the hell. Now I'm blushing so hard and I can feel my face burning because he just called me out for my bodies natural sign of being attracted to him. And I gotta continue to draw his gorgeous ass face when he knows I find him attractive. I giggle and respond with something stupid like “Oh that's weird.” After our portraits are done, I move away from him. I couldn't resist flirting my ass off with this kid and I definitely needed to get some distance out of respect for Bonnie.

The next night I find my mojo again. I swallow whatever feelings I have for Noah deep down and I make sure to talk to everyone but him. However, he finds me at the bars and informs me that he has tickets to go see the arctic monkeys in two days. He explains that his friend bailed on him so now he has no one to go with and an extra ticket. He had offered to take Bonnie but since she had work, she suggested that I should go with him instead. FUCK. I knew I shouldn't have, But I said yes.

Fast forward to the day of the show. As I am driving there to meet him for dinner, I have some time to think. I make the decision right then and there that I wasn't going to hook up with him. I was going to hold my legs closed and be myself but don't let him get to close. Although Noah and Bonnie had only just met a few days ago and Noah would be leaving to go to his home (which is 600 miles away from us) in a few days, it would still be a shitty move of me to go for him. I picked him and food up on the way. After slugging a bag of wine and talking in my car about anything and everything, I realized how much him and I got along. From favorite movies to our morals to what we want out of life. Everything matched up.

We get to the show about 30 min late and from the start of the night to the show, I can tell there is a big shift in both our attitudes. At the start, we both kept our distance. Talked as friends. Talked as “Business Partners.” But towards the end, we were so infatuated with each other that we would only look at the stage for a few seconds each before turning back towards one another to talk.

We were sitting down on chairs in the VIP section, can't remember how we got there but I wasn't complaining, and he looks at me and says something along the lines of.

“I have wanted to kiss you for so long but I know its not a good idea. You know, because of Bonnie. And we can't be hooking up if we're supposed to be business partners right? I'm still going to ask you though because I really want to. Can I kiss you?”

“I'm sorry but it just really isn't a good idea. No, you can't” I responded.

“That's alright.” He said with a small sigh

.....and then my bitch ass looks forward, zones out for a second, and then says

“Fuck it. Yes.” and I kissed him.

It didn't take long for us to be getting an uber together. Since we were pretty far from our places, I called a friend and asked if we could stay at his place. The funny thing about my friend's place is that he illegally owns various exotic animals. So we got there and drunkly played in the dark with some water buffalo, miniature ponies, zhorses, alpacas, and other weird but cool animals. Noah tells me that night that he has never had that much fun with a girl before. He tells I'm incredible. Then we get into bed. I was intoxicated on alcohol and on the experience that we had that night. We ended up had sex.

Bonnies birthday was the next day. Noah and I were expected to be there to celebrate it. And we were expected to be there as nothing more than Business Partners. Out of stupidity, we decided to try to keep our little fling a secret from Bonnie and everyone else. “Just until after her birthday.” we thought.

 
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from LuckyLola

#Personal #Story #Start #Life

I've decided to start this blog because people for years have been telling me I need to write the strange things that happen in my life down. Just recently I start to listen to them and realize that...

  1. I have a shit memory and probably should keep some record of it all before it fades.

  2. Maybe my experiences aren't as common as I once thought.

I am not saying I've lived the life of billionaires, famous people, or anything relatively close to that. But I will say that these past few months have been filled with so many odd coincidences and bizarre outcomes that I do believe that possibly one person on the internet would want to hear about it. In addition, I hope to be able to get a better grasp of my experiences when if log them somewhere.

To give a little background, I am 21 years old and in college. For the sake of descriptive imagery for anyone who decides to follow along, I am 5'5, blonde, medium to thin sized, and white. I have brown eyes and my mom thinks I'm cute so picture what you will. My name is not Lola but for my privacy lets say it is. I love people, I constantly surround my self with others, I am an artist, I sing (mainly in the basement of my neighbors' house), love to travel, and have a really hard time saying no. Actually, fuck that, I just adore saying yes. While my friends believe that my wild life stories come from an always-present-bountiful-sheen of luck . I believe they instead come from my addiction to saying yes to everything that is asked of me.

I want to try to record all the important moments in my life that I remember so far. It probably won't be organized well but I guess just start anywhere and see if you care.

Story time!

 
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from l33t

Credit scores are somewhat of a mystery to many, and all too often many have low scores due to accruing debt either needlessly or from necessity. It's actually easier done than most people think and can become quite debilitating.

I myself got into debt around 4-5 years ago, it started off as £100 here and there on a credit card while I was with my ex wife (who didn't work). Slowly this adds up, particularly when you're in a rented house where rent is already expensive and only one person working, throw in the loss of my own job. We had no money and I had to use credit cards to pay the rent, buy food and other general household items. These balances built up to several thousand pounds. I was unable to pay these for a long time and simply ignored all correspondence.

Fast forward to 2017 where I found out she was having an affair and threw hew out, then in April of 2017 I finally managed to break into the industry I'd been wanting to get work in for many years. It was a working from home role, paying not much more than I was already earning but I figured I had to start somewhere. My salary was £18k.

I began working hard from home and trying to get a handle on my finances, checking my credit score showed me a score of 400, I couldn't even open a high street bank account. I saved little and often, £20-£30 here and there, I didn't have much of a life but these payments slowly added up.

After around eight months in my job working from home, I was offered a relocation package and twice the salary. A break, real career progress and my dreams becoming a reality (even though my rent tripled). Again, I continued paying towards my various debts and formulating an action plan to rapidly increase credit rating. I already had an avid interest in Fintech and the general wider financial industry but had no experience professionally or personally of building credit ratings so to speak.

I began taking out credit builder cards, kicking things off with the Tesco Bank Foundation Card – it came with a measly £500 limit but it was enough to get started. I began putting a couple hundred pound on that every month and clearing in full, my rating increased 10-20 points here and there and my credit limit was increased.

I was then able to secure a further salary increase from work, which took me into figures I could have only dreamed of years before.

I decided now was the time to get two or three more credit cards and hammer them every month with as much as I can. I got a Vanquis Chrome Card and a Capital One. Vanquis gave me a £1000 limit and Capital One gave me £750. I figured the Tesco limit wasn't high enough to do much with so used Vanquis as the daily spend card, Capital One attached to the Uber and local taxi firm app and the Tesco card attached to my monthly train season ticket. Using this method I was putting a fair whack through each card, I would then pay all in full each month on receipt of the statement before the due date.

Using this method I was able to increase my rating 30-60 points every month and was given continual credit limit increases on all cards without asking for them. Essentially, my plan had worked with very visible results. I was building up trust with banks and lenders once again using what to me seemed like a pretty simple method. I estimate a total spend across the three cards of £1000-£2000 each month so it's not like I was putting through exceptional amounts.

Despite having settled defaults on my credit file (these stay on file for 6 years) I decided to apply to Amex and to my delight was approved. The card came with a limit higher than all of my cards combined and I began putting most of my spending through this card to further bolster my credit rating.

Today, I can happily say I'm debt free and finally in control of my finances and all it took was a few minor steps back when I was earning £18k. Calling those you owe money, speaking with them about your circumstances and paying £20-£30 (or whatever you can afford) to your debtors here and there will make a massive difference. Those payments add up, and you can make quite a dent in your debts in a short space of time. Once you start earning more begin paying them off as quickly as you can and at the same time accessing any available credit to use and then clear in full every month.

I'm no financial advisor, but my very simple plan that I pretty much just made as I went along started 24 months ago with bits and bobs here and there. The major work started 12 months ago, and since then I've doubled my score from ~400 to 850+ (and still climbing!) in a short amount of time.

Despite my wall of text I suppose what I'm trying to say is that there was a point I thought I'd never clear my debt, and that it'd just keep growing until a point and I'd go bankrupt. The small steps made at the very start were instrumental to my success. If I can do it, then anyone can.

Please find below apps/providers I found useful in my quest to improve my credit rating. Each of them do different things, but they all helped expose key financials at a deeper level and allowed me to analyse and track spending in a healthier way.

Starling Bank – https://starlingbank.com Curve – https://imaginecurve.com Revolut – https://revolut.com

I'm no writer, and fully understand that the above wall of text may not be of use to anyone, but I wanted to share it anyway.

#finance #personal #creditscore

 
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