Prayers, etc.: * 05:00 – Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel * 06:00 – praying The Angelus * 06:40 – praying the Joyful Mysteries of the Traditional Holy Rosary in English, followed by the Memorare. * 07:15 – making an Act of Contrition then making an Act of Spiritual Communion, followed by praying Archbishop Vigano’s prayer for USA & President Trump. * 07:45 – Readings from today's Mass include – Lesson: 4 Kings 4:25-38 and Gospel: Luke 7:11-16 * 08:15 – Today's Morning Devotion (Psalm 89) as found in Benedictus Magazine, followed by the Canticle of Zacharius (Lk 1:68-79). * 12:00 – praying The Angelus * 13:30 – Thought for today from Archbishop Lefebvre: Temperance moderates the appetites of our flesh and sometimes mortifies them to bring them into obedience, seconded by the supernatural virtue, by the help of God. To temperance properly speaking which concerns drinking, eating and generation, we add moderation in the desire for wealth. * 17:50 – prayerfully reading The Athanasian Creed, * 18:00 – praying The Angelus, followed by today's Evening Devotion, (Psalm 135), as found in Benedictus Magazine, followed by the Magnificat: Luke 1:46-55. * 19:00 – praying the hour of Compline for tonight according to the Traditional Pre-Vatican II Divine Office.

Health Metrics: * bw= 225.97 lbs. * bp= 150/88 (63)

Diet: * 05:50 – 2 HEB Bakery cookies * 06:45 – 1 banana, bowl of oatmeal and raisins * 12:45 – lasagna * 17:00 – snacking on HEB Bakery cookies * 19:45 – fresh pineapple

Chores, etc.: * 05:00 – listen to local news talk radio * 06:25 – bank accounts activity monitored * 09:00 – following news reports from various sources * 12:00 to 13:30 – watch old game shows and eat lunch at home with Sylvia * 14:00 – work on taxes * 19:30 – listen to relaxing music

Chess: * 18:25 – move in all pending CC games

posted Thursday, 2025-04-03 ~20:34 #DLAPR2025

Hello, world. As the programmers say, anyway. And I am not one, despite having gone through a grueling software engineering bootcamp several years ago which resulted in nary a single software engineering job offer, but very rapidly preceded a well-paying and prestigious salaried position (albeit an unrelated one). Which I proceeded to snatch up in a heartbeat, as I was desperately broke at the time (just as I am now—my life has been bookended with brokeness). Anyway, I stuck it out for a few years, enjoying the newfound purpose (ish) and additional money in my pocket, but lamenting my own cowardice and fear of achieving my own dreams, not to mention facing my own demons.

Anyway. I got laid off, and now I’m here. Struggling to accomplish what I feel I know, on some level, I was always born to do. Yet I never seem to be able to get around to doing it. Whose fault is that, I wonder? Mine, obviously, but is there anyone or anything I can blame other than myself? I find it highly unlikely, unless you count my trauma. But all that said, here I go again on my own. Going down the only road I’ve ever known…

In any case, what I wanted to write about today was my stunning realization (that had really been a long time coming) that everything I know is wrong. Specifically, the idea that more introspection = more happiness (and eventual escape from my mental and emotional woes) is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Or at least, if it’s true at all, I’ve blazed past the Point of Diminishing Returns long, long ago. Like, decades ago, if you can believe it.

I’ve come to realize that the more I introspect and brood about my life, my flaws and shortcomings, my neurological maladies, my childhood, my, my, my, the more mired in my own crap I become—and the more of a vice grip my demons, past and present, have on me. The more I disengage, the happier I am, to paraphrase a very wise sea star.

My OCD has been an absolute nightmare the past several months since my economic fall from grace (and due to other factors I won’t go into just yet), but if I’m honest, I already had the door cracked open for it to overtake me even in the best of times. I was always unwilling to truly disengage, to let go, to take the leap of faith that maybe my worst fears didn’t have to—maybe even shouldn’t— rule me.

Anyway. That’s why I’m here, typing away, on an anonymous blogging platform, under an account made with a burner email, using a VPN. I was going to post on Everything2 first, but I find that a little intimidating, since it appears to be a small, relatively close-knit platform with some established social norms, and I don’t want to stick my foot in it right off the bat, so I’ll read the room a bit and ease into posting there, too—hopefully under the same username (eep!).

I don’t know why exactly this is, but I’ve always been scared shitless of making anything of myself due to the nebulous fear of being “canceled”/having my life ruined/you name it, and after several unceremonious stops and starts, I know I can’t go on living like this anymore. My soul has been cleaved in half, with the part that is living for my dreams stuffed under the floorboards, and like the Tell-Tale Heart, it never, ever stops beating.

It will drive me mad if I let it, and I’ll probably implode out of pure melancholy and inability to properly integrate with myself, so enough is fucking enough. I’m writing and posting publicly, regardless if anyone cares. Even if what I say is stupid, or lame, or gasp immoral, or even offensive.

I’m setting a goal to write here every day. Will I meet it every single day? Maybe, maybe not, but no matter what happens, even if I fail, I’ll get up every morning, dust myself off, and try again. Because nothing is futile if it has love and effort behind it. I’m tired of abandoning my own dreams.

Here I go again, on my own.

2 major chores today: downloading and studying the lab reports from the recent doctor's appointment, and working on my taxes. Stressful.

posted Thursday, Apr 3, 2025 at ~8:01 PM #QNAPR2025

I have so much I want to write about this song that I can't do it justice right now in public, so this is hopefully just a preamble.

Basketball shoes – black country, new road

One thing that's stuck with me was a girl sharing how as a kid there was a part of a song that she loved near the end, and how she would ask her dad to play the good part. Her dad would tell her no, and that it was the reward for listening to the rest of the song. Or at least something along those lines.

The end of this 12 minute song is an emotionally bursting crescendo that toys the line of overwhelm. It's one of those parts of a song that for a minute or so gives you the oh so human feeling of pure empathy. I don't know if the artist and you share feelings, or if you both sit in the same feeling in two different sets of clothing. But for a bit you sit together as one.

There's so much more to that I want to write, but specifically I want to briefly ramble about how to kill that magic. Think about if everything came to you the first time easily. When I think of the strongest memories and achievements I have, they were when they weren't guaranteed. When they weren't just in my fingertips. When I had to fight and work for them. I think that's what makes it so sweet.

I think of her dad whenever I restart the 12 minute song for that one minute.

We just need a shoulder to lean on.

Wherever you go, whatever you do, remember: someone loves you.

I never want to miss an opportunity to tell you. Recently circumstances are really driving home that we never know when we’ll get that chance for the last time.

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#tears #osxs

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My reaction after watching this: Damn!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71slUkcCMpY

#MusicVideo #SleepTheory

La bergère

Je ne me sens pas l'âme poète et pourtant ça m'est difficile de passer tout ce temps sans communiquer avec toi. Mon Amour…

Le berger

Je 't'aime Je ne m'inquiète pas trop sur moins de créations poétiques pour le moment. Il faut dire que l'on a pas fait semblant depuis le début, grisés par l'ivresse. Il y a un temps d'intégration en ce moment. Le début de podcast pour moi es un bijou. On se prépare a revisiter toute cette matière première allant de nos messages au blog et du blog au podcast. Relire nous nourrit de toute cette créativité explosive. Nous enregistrer et nous écouter va finaliser par transmutation de l'essence et de la profondeur de tout ce que l'on a écrit… toute cette matière demande un écrin et une intégration. L'étendue de la vastitude déjà parcourue peut prendre place en nous au plus profond de nos êtres comme si tout se déposait en nous par décantation dans un silence, une douceur, une délicatesse nécessaire. C’est un cycle avant le suivant où l’exaltation suivra certainement les saisons, comme un renouveau de printemps… mon amour…

La bergère

Je n'ai pas encore pris le temps d'écouter nos voix. Il faut que je fasse d'abord de la place sur mon téléphone.

C'est vrai qu'on est parti avec une créativité débordante répondant à notre besoin d'absolu. Et puis il y a la vie avec tout ce qu'elle comporte, nos cycles personnels, nos challenges boulot… Tout n'est pas toujours propice à nos envolées en mots. Mais ce n'est pas si simple, parce que quand je suis vide de mots, j'ai l'impression d'être coupée de toi ou tout au moins si éloignée.

J'ai pris beaucoup de plaisir hier soir à mettre ces 2 derniers posts en forme. Cela a contribué à ma remise en forme perso. Une mise en forme pour une remise en forme, c'est pas mal!

Il y a que je suis devant de vrais challenges professionnels et ça ne m'est pas facile. Après quelques jours à me sentir perdue et sans énergie, j’ai repris le chemin de l’action. Si l’être est essentiel en ce monde, l’action au service de l’être l’est aussi. Un pas après l’autre, à ma façon, j’avance, et cela nourrit de nouveau ma confiance en moi et en la Vie. Je t’aime mon Amour.

Le berger

Nos corps consument notre Amour en extase, Nos cœurs battent la mesure de notre Amour, Nos doigts transcrivent nos états intérieurs amoureux autant qu'ils aiment se toucher, se sentir tactilement,  Nos oreilles se délectent des mots doux, Notre odorat s'enivre de notre élixir corporel, Se voir, se lire, s'alchimiser toi et moi en pleine nature, Un  Rien du Tout pour nous mettre le feu du besoin  de se voir, de s'entendre, de se toucher,   Un peau à peau pour s'endormir l'un contre l'autre Apaisé, Abandonné de toi à moi et de moi à toi.

La bergère Nos messages se sont croisés à la seconde près. 

Le berger

Oui. J'aime te rejoindre quand tu exultes

La bergère

OUI! Ouïe, toucher, odorat, goût… tout participe à notre connexion, la génère et la régénère, autant qu'elle nourrit notre joie d'être au Monde.

Le berger

J'entends bien le défi du monde du travail que tu traverses. Ou plutôt que tu toises maintenant avec ta nouvelle énergie du cosmos.

La bergère

Et l'abandon de nos corps l'un contre l'autre est peut être là meilleure façon de laisser tout cela se vivre.

Le berger

Oui l'abandon pour mieux trouver son centre Encore un semi- paradoxe.

La bergère

C'est peut-être ça en effet; une nouvelle énergie connectée au cosmos qui me permet ou plutôt me pousse à faire le pas suivant. Et en même temps cela arrive à temps, parce qu'il y a une nécessité. Il est temps que j'ouvre vraiment les yeux et que je me donne toutes les chances d'être et de vivre ce que j'ai à vivre. C'est une nécessité autant pour ma survie matérielle que pour mon déploiement psychique, que pour répondre à l'appel de mon âme et ce qu’il me semble entendre de l'appel du Monde .

Le berger

C'est bon d'échanger. Je t'aime mon Amour. Un petit tic-tac en vue d'une journée magique.

La bergère

Trouver mon centre est une nécessité pour vivre ce que j'ai à vivre. Il y a des pas qui me paraissent être une montagne. Il me faut prendre mon élan à partir de mon centre, attendre le bon moment, quand je me sens suffisamment reposée et sauter avec mes bottes de cent lieux. Alors, je dis OUI à l'abandon pour mieux trouver mon centre.

Oui c'est bon d'échanger. Ouf! Je sens que j'ai dépassé le point d'immobilité qui m'empêchait d'avancer, mais aussi de m'ouvrir à toi dans cette distance physique. Comme s'il n'y avait plus que le contact physique qui était possible.

Le tic tac a hâte d'être à demain ! Et mon corps a hâte d'être à samedi. 

Le berger

Quand je  relis j'entends la similitude avec le fait de faire de la montagne comme je te l’avais évoqué: soit j'avance en haut des crêtes porté par la joie de la beauté des paysages en état de grâce ( dans un état où j'en oublie le côté risque de vertige), soit j'avance avec mes peurs de tomber et là je fais presque du surplace…  Avancer de son centre avec un regard sur les choses denué d'un passé, connecté juste au moment présent de faire pour la première fois avec émerveillement.

Tic tac tic tac  mon Amour…

La bergère

Une petite pause dans ma journée pour un tic tac, tic tac, tic tac amoureux, c'est à dire un toc toc, toc toc, toc toc...

L'image que tu dépeints est juste. Mais pour celui qui est sur la crête porté par la joie et la beauté des paysages, il ne faut pas qu'il y ait, sans l'avoir repéré, une chaussure en mauvais état, un lacet défait, le brouillard qui s'annonce, ou un manque de ravitaillement. Sinon, l'état de grâce devient un état d'inconscience dangereux pour sa vie… Tout l'art est là : repérer à quel moment il y a danger dans le fait d'oser; jusqu'où le risque peut-il être pris? Pas aussi simple que ça l'aventure...

J'ai franchi quelques étapes. Je continue. 

Le berger

Yep … Encore quelques activités a achever ce soir et je pourrai goûter au fait que demain me met en joie.

La bergère

Moi aussi j'ai encore de quoi faire avant de me poser et d'être pleinement avec toi. Demain est presque là. Un havre se dessine.

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Yesterday and today have been just constant barrage of things hitting me. Too much. It's not even individual events, but it's just a ton of small little things building up and all at once swarming me. I got my ta review from last quarter and it was overwhelmingly positive, with only incredibly sweet comments in the feedbacks. A few of the comments mentioned about how The things that I covered in section and giving little sneak peeks of upcoming material helped out so much, and that was exactly what I got in trouble with today, for just covering something that was brought up the next day in lecture. I have a meeting with her now to have to talk about it.

I wrote down to talk about in therapy next session about my overwhelming sense of regret towards actions in retrospect. I'm afraid of honestly writing down any of the things here just because of I guess the fact that it publicizes something that I want to hide even more. Even just to myself. Like I don't want to acknowledge and face and stew on things that I have done that just didn't go across as I intended I guess. Or sometimes there are people that I don't even consider that have an issue with things I do. But also thinking back I feel like I don't fully understand my actions from other perspectives. And that's one of those things that I guess is normal in life. I don't want to beat myself up about it too much because I mean who the fuck never makes any mistakes and has never done anything they regret. But I still feel a lot of shame and regret.

Hello, my Friends!

Have you ever felt weighed down by the idea that God is primarily watching for your mistakes, ready to point out every failure? It's a common misconception, often rooted in misunderstanding the very heart of the Gospel. The wonderful truth, however, is profoundly different: Jesus didn't come into the world with a checklist and a stern expression; He came with open arms. He didn't come to scold you; He came to hold you.

Beyond Condemnation – The Embrace of Grace

The old ways, centred around laws and human effort, often left people feeling inadequate, constantly aware of their shortcomings. Trying to earn favour through performance is an exhausting and ultimately impossible task. But the message of Jesus Christ introduces a revolutionary shift. It’s a message of grace – unearned, undeserved favour. Righteousness isn't something we achieve; it's a gift received through faith in what Christ has already accomplished (Ephesians 2:8-9; Romans 4:5). This means the focus shifts from our striving to His finished work. Instead of condemnation for falling short, there is acceptance because of Him. He draws us close, not pushes us away based on our imperfections.

Held Securely in His Love

Understanding the nature of God's love is key to realising our security in Him. It's not a fragile, conditional love that disappears when we stumble. God demonstrated His ultimate love by sending His Son while we were still separated from Him (Romans 5:8). This love, secured through Christ's sacrifice and resurrection life, is unbreakable. Nothing in all creation – no trial, no failure, no external circumstance – can separate a believer from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:35-39). This truth casts out fear (1 John 4:18). When you grasp that His hold on you is based on His faithfulness, not your performance, a profound sense of safety and peace can take root. Your eternal life isn't probationary; it's a present possession, secure because your life is hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3; John 5:24).

Mended and Made New

Being held by Jesus isn't just about passive safety; it's about transformation and healing. Those arms that hold us are the arms that mend. Because He accepts us through grace, without judgment for our past or present struggles, true restoration can begin. In Christ, we are declared a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). The old identity, defined by sin and separation, gives way to a new identity, defined by righteousness and union with Him. This doesn't mean perfection overnight, but it means our fundamental nature has changed. We are no longer defined by our flaws but by His perfection imputed to us. Living from this new identity, secure in His embrace, empowers us to walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4), not out of fear, but out of response to His incredible love.

So rest today in the assurance that you are safe in Him. He sees you, He knows you, and His primary posture towards you is one of love, grace, and acceptance.

Be blessed today, my friends, knowing you are securely held in arms that mend without judgment!

To watch a short clip on this, check this out! https://youtube.com/shorts/tX_BZn84Uf4?feature=share

I min levetid har vi sett fire globale økonomiske nedturer. Dot com-krakket på tidlig 2000-tall, finanskrisa i 2008, Covid-pandemien, og nå altså Trumps toll-fiasko. Interessant nok har en republikaner vært president i USA hver gang, men dette er første gang vi kan si 100 % sikkert at det er den amerikanske presidentens skyld.

At teknologiaksjer er overpriset, eller at banker selger råtne lån i lang tid, eller at det kommer et virus, er jo sånt som kan skje. Det er ulykker med mange og komplekse årsaker (selv om deregulering av wall street drevet fram av høyresida strengt tatt bidro til de to første). Men her snakker vi altså om at én manns totalt feilaktige ideer om handel og økonomi forårsaker en totalt unødvendig katastrofe.

Det vil ramme USA hardt, men fattige land mye hardere. Tenk på stakkars Vietnam, som produserer haugevis med klær og sko, og en rekke andre produkter, til USA. De får nå 46 % toll! Hva galt har de gjort? I gamle dager var høyresidas slagord “trade, not aid”, nå har de altså kutta all bistand via USAID og samtidig ødelagt for mulighetene til handel.

Det vil bety mye mer fattigdom, elendighet og lidelse – helt unødvendig. Fordi USAs president har en forstokka idé om at det er av avgjørende betydning at Nike-sko og andre produkter blir produsert i USA, og ikke i andre land USA kan handle med, som Vietnam.

Dette er rett og slett ideologisk galskap og kunnskapfornektelse på et nivå vi trodde vi hadde lagt bak oss. Folk har innbilt seg at Trump dypest sett respekterer de økonomiske tyngdelovene, selv om han ikke respekterer noen andre lover. Vel, nå vet de forhåpentligvis bedre.

Alt dette kan stoppes, forresten. Det krever at en håndfull mennesker skifter mening i USAs kongress. De har alle lovlige muligheter til å avsette presidenten når det skulle være. Visepresidenten også om det må til. Kanskje vil blodbadet på børsene bidra til å få noen av dem til å skifte mening, siden dagens flertall i kongressen bryr seg mer om kapital enn om menneskeliv.

Og det finnes glimt av håp. I natt stemte faktisk et flertall i senatet for en høyst symbolsk forslag om å stoppe tollbarrierene, som dessverre ikke vil ha betydning. Men riksrett er naturligvis en mulighet. Det er på høy tid å stoppe denne gale kongen.

Now is no time to think of what you do not have...

Wednesday 250402 – 10am CST

Busy morning. Funerals are always like this. Bereavement... ha! I've seen many people over the years take time off for bereavement. I always imagined they just sat in a darkened room brooding over their loss and coming to grips with how to move forward. As I move up the echelon's of who is responsible for closing the book on a person's life, I understand now that for some it means lots of work. There is a tremendous amount of work to be done when a person dies, all related to the funeral. Thankfully, I'm not close enough to the head of the table to have to close bank accounts, change titles or liquidate a life's possessions, but I am adjacent. I watch it being done. That work starts weeks, months and in some cases, years, ahead of time. I will be a disaster at such planning.

While I am very good at hip-shots and scrambling, my pathological need to procrastinate prevents me from even an ounce of prevention. I guess I'm too good at brewing cures.

There is a wad of cellophane cluttering my desk. It's shoved between the monitor, a box of markers and a sketchbook. I stopped for a moment to extract it because it was obscuring part of this paragraph. When I unfurl the shiny, crinkly material, I see a white label 5”x8”— Foam-Cor Pro 18”x24” Foamboard. It is trash I stuffed there absentmindedly 57 days ago when we were mounting the poster for my wife's sister's funeral. How can I have ignored this for two months? I look at my desktop objectively for a moment and realize it looks like a garbage pile. My mind has been shuttered or shadowed or distracted or something for so long now that I can't remember basic things.

Last year, I added an apple tracker to my wallet and my keys. Nine times out of ten, I have to use the 'find-my' app to locate at least one of them when now leaving the house. This might be a neurological problem... but I suspect it's emotional. I suspect my burnout and depression have really run a train through my mental capacity.

We're leaving for a few weeks after the funeral. I hope time away and looking at new things and people for a while will give me some much-needed perspective. Break this cycle of self-doubt and worry that I've slipped in too. Objectivity to see the trash pile of my life, if you will. My brother-in-law keeps asking me where we are going. He is a very good trip-planner. I don't have it in me to develop an itinerary, so I just say 'west'. And he pitches a bunch of stuff that we should see. I'm making notes and once we get through this funeral, I think we'll manage a decent route to keep us busy for a few weeks. 

We originally planned to be on the road for a month to six weeks. But between our own illness, finishing van and my father-in-law's declining health and eventual death, it just wasn't possible. If finances and schedule allows, we'll try to make the eastern leg of our trip after a hard date we have here April 27th.

For now, back to finishing the obituary for dad. It drifted to nearly a thousand words again. We'll slash and burn, or I'll suggest it. If it goes like last time, the family will read it and love it and I'll think, 'no this is a first draft, you have to tell me it's terrible and rewrite it.'

I'll say this about my wife's dad: for being a fairly quiet and unremarkable man, he made a huge impact on a lot of lives. I joked that his wife was the hare and he was the tortoise. And just like in that fable, his slow, meticulous way about life made him a favorite among many, impervious to negative comments and wealthy beyond imagination in terms of respect and love. He won. He won the race and the world would be a much better place if more of us were like him.

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#essay #memoir #reflection #confession #death

Here, I will go into depth about my second novel, “Out of the Shadows.” This story is what I like to call my back-burner novel. This is because this story doesn’t go with “A Light in the Darkness.” It’s a stand-alone story that I started writing while I was waiting for “A Light in the Darkness” to be officially published. I had a month or so of free time on my hands, so I started writing this one. It flowed from me insanely easily and, if I remember right, writing the story front to end took me maybe a month. While that initial session was nowhere near close to the finished story, it gave me a good look at how I write when I don’t have any pressures to do so.

I was free to just write what was in my heart. The story flowed naturally and followed a solid plot from front to end, which is surprising when I write because I usually jump around from plot point to plot point (thanks, ADHD). This story allowed me to jump out of my comfort zone and tackle issues that other authors may not have the courage to do so.

“Out of the Shadows” dives into queer and mental health issues as they relate to religious trauma. My main character, Blake, is a gay girl living in a highly-religious place (think along the lines of forced marriages and the belief that being LGBTQ+ is a choice). Blake felt trapped because nobody would listen to her. She had a trans brother that nobody respected, so she felt disrespected as a result. All she wanted to do was live her own life, not the one that her parents fabricated for her since the day she was born.

Blake meets the love of her life: her best friend that she’s had since she was twelve. To be able to be with this girl, she has to break the mold. While it’s a scary process, Blake realizes that she has so many people by her side to make this a reality and to escape the horrors that she’d been living for so many years.

Through this blog, you’ll see me post chapters of this story as I work on their edits because I want my potential audience to be involved as much as possible during this process. I want you to see the plot and the characters through my eyes in real time. I hope you enjoy this story as it is very dear to me being a queer person in a place that doesn’t accept me for who I am or who I want to be.

Below is the tentative cover for this novel. The final cover will be revealed when the edits are fully finished.

First Blog Post!

Hi, everyone! My name is August. I'm a writer from a small town in Nebraska. Writing has always been one of my passions and in teh past few years, I've written three books with one of them—A Light in the Darkness—actually being published! Writing and publishing a book has always been a dream of mine and it's so incredible that it came true for me!

Currently, I'm working on two other books: “The Light of Her Life” (a sequel story to “A Light in the Darkness”), and “Outof the Shadows” (a stand-alone story). I'll go more into depth with those two books as I continue to use this platform.

My goals right now are to become familiar with write.as and connect with as many people as I can! In the coming days and weeks, I'll post the chapters of my stories on here as I continue through the editing process for both of the ones in progress! I'll also share updates on my life and how my first novel is faring and any updates I'll have in the future, regarding publishing, writing, sales, and any questions people may have about what my stories entail.

The first chapter of “Out of the Shadows” will be posted today (04-03-2025) in the late afternoon. I hope you can find a good home within my stories; I am so excited to share them with you.