Obwohl ich sehr feine Antennen habe, oft eher zu viel mitfühle (mich nicht wirklich abgrenzen kann und von Stimmungen um mich herum geradezu überrollt werde), fällt es mir schwer, bestimmte Emotionen zu erkennen und ich bewerte neutrale Situationen eher negativ. Das ist typisch für Menschen mit Borderline.

„Die Eingangshypothesen konnten über die Prüfung der Daten […] größtenteils bestätigt werden. Die untersuchten Borderline-Patientinnen wiesen Defizite in der Erkennung von Verachtung, neutralem Ausdruck und Ekel auf, die jedoch nicht störungsspezifisch waren, und zeigten des Weiteren eine störangsspezifische, verstärkte Tendenz zur Verwechslung anderer Emotionsausdrücke mit Verachtung und zur Fehlinterpretation neutraler Ausdrücke i. S. einer negativen Emotion.“

— Die Kompetenz von Borderline-Patientinnen zur Dekodierung von Emotionen aus dem mimischen Ausdruck von Stephanie Nausikaa Schettler, Saarbrücken, 2010, https://archiv.ub.uni-heidelberg.de/volltextserver/10760/1/scheffler_bearbeitet.pdf

Kombiniert mit meiner Neigung zum Schwarz/Weiß-Denken (ADHS und Borderline) ergeben sich daraus immer wieder Konflikte, Selbstzweifel und nicht angemessene Reaktionen. Lange Zeit bin ich daran immer wieder verzweifelt.

Ich konnte nicht begreifen, warum ich auf der einen Seite immer wieder das Feedback bekommen habe, sehr emphatisch zu sein, zum Beispiel gut mit schwierigen Patient*innen zu arbeiten, Menschen gut zuhören und verstehen zu können – ich mich auf der anderen Seite häufig angegriffen gefühlt habe, Konflikte eskaliert sind und ich mich selbst abgewertet habe, obwohl objektiv gar keinen Anlass dazu gab.

Mittlerweile hilft mir das Wissen über mein Störungsbild. Zumindest, wenn ich nicht im Hochstress bin, frage ich nach, versuche die Antwort zu glauben, hinterfrage meine eigene Wahrnehmung (gerade bei Menschen, von denen ich weiß, dass sie mich lieben, sie mir nichts Böses wollen) oder schlafe eine Nacht darüber, bevor ich reagiere.

Es ist anstrengend, immerzu achtsam zu sein, sich selbst zu beobachten. Es kostet Zeit und Energie, Situationen zu analysieren, versuchen aus anderen Perspektiven auf sie zu blicken.

Dadurch, und in einem Umfeld, das sehr verständnisvoll ist, mich nicht für mein ständiges Fragen nach Klarheit und Feedback beschämt, bin ich in der Lage, beständigere Beziehungen zu führen.

Es erklärt aber auch, warum mich soziale Situationen schnell erschöpfen und ich permanent überfordert bin.

#bpd #borderline #Empathie #Verzerrung

Het Lood

Ach lieve heer waarom zo wil ik u vragen heeft u mij vanaf dag één uit het lood geslagen waarom niet uit koper, zilver of uit goud tin, papier misschien gewoon een stukkie hout waarom moest dat slaan per c uit lood had dit te maken met regels betreffende uitstoot was alleen dat aanwezig op dat ene moment dat ik geslagen moest worden tot een vent Het had als je het mij vraagt wel beter gekund geslagen worden uit hetzelfde spul als een munt dan was ik vanaf het begin geldig geweest een geziene gast op elke partij en ieder feest nu is het niet logisch dat ik nergens op pas het leven is als een drie kwart leeg glas

Och heer, had mij toch geslagen uit ander materiaal glasvezel, wol, naaigaren of roest vrij staal misschien hip vegetarisch uit de pan geklopt ontstaan in schorseneren, koolrapen, prei of lof alles is beter dan geslagen zijn uit het lood dan was ik eerlijk gezegd nog liever half dood ik sop door de dag als een biertje zonder kraag overal waar ik aankom lig ik zwaar op de maag welk een ellende uit deze calculatie is ontstaan na het komen wil ik altijd meteen weer gaan nooit is het zoals het eigenlijk zou moeten zijn ik ben voor alles op aard te groot of te klein te groot voor een terras te klein voor een plein te veel voor een irritatie te weinig voor pijn

Ai marimba alles was duizend keer beter geweest als ik was geslagen zoals een schoen op een leest uit de huid van een koe, krokodil of een paard van papier zodat je me kon lezen als een kaart u begrijpt toch wel dat ik hier heel erg van baal er zit geen goed begin noch eind aan dit verhaal en dat komt allemaal door het bron materiaal één man uit lood versus vele mannen van staal wat mij betreft vervangen we het lood met glas en zetten we meteen al wat krom is waterpas dan kan ook ik het balletje balletje spel spelen net als de gewone mens als ik niks doe me vervelen

Nu verveel ik me iedere keer overal te laat voor is het levenslied al over nog voor ik het heb gehoord nog voor er een zaadje is ontkiemd ligt het veld al kaal en dit komt door de keuze van het verkeerde metaal dat spul gaat alle kanten op behalve de goeie ik loop zomertijd met sneeuwschuivers te verknoeien geen idee hoe laat en waarvoor ik op moet staan en met wie en hoe ik van hier naar daar moet gaan had toch gewoon iets meer tijd en geld geïnvesteerd en mij niet uit dat beschikbare lood geproduceerd nog even en ik stel mijn scheve positie beschikbaar en haal me zelf uit en zet mezelf weer in elkaar maar dan wel met zelf gekozen bouwmaterialen en u o heremejee gaat dat, net als dit, allemaal betalen

Prayer as Transformational Self-leadership

Recently I have found myself praying for my heart to soften. At first I was praying for this because I wanted to know how to do it myself. Eventually I realized that prayer itself is the way for my heart to soften.

I've heard people explain that God's warming light can harden only the hearts of those who choose to built their hearts with clay. This is what happened to the Pharaoh in the book of Exodus. In contrast, those of us who build our hearts of wax experience the fireside melting glow of the Holy Spirit. Which has always begged the question for me: How can I build my heart with wax instead of clay?

Perhaps the answer starts with acknowledging that maybe I don't have control over my heart. As much as my mind may strive, it certainly does not have direct control over my heart. Yet God gives me the ability to pray. To pray for my heart to be made of receptive spiritual wax.

Perhaps it is in the conscious choice to lift up that desire to God that I begin to transform my heart from clay to wax. Perhaps prayer is the greatest form of leadership because it allows us to aspire to a transformation that we cannot comprehend.

Without prayer the progress of our formation is limited by what we can conceptualize and actualize. With prayer the potential of our spiritual formation becomes unlimited. And so I pray that the words of my prayers become beacons of truth for my soul. And to my mind, which has a hard time surrendering to unknown possibilities. And to my heart, which often has a hesitation of fear before trusting the incomprehensible.

Sometimes it's hard to follow a distant light on what sometimes feels like an uncertain path. Yet if I pray repeatedly it just might orient me toward that light. Even when I can't see the light myself. Especially when I can't see the light myself.

When is your spiritual growth limited by your understanding, and how might praying be a key to transformation of your heart?

Naiwen Yang 楊乃文 é outra cantora taiwanesa que faz parte da minha playlist diária. The More Beautiful, The More Invisible 越美麗越看不見 está entre os meus álbuns favoritos, depois de Continuation 女爵, de 2006.

#nov #playlist #musica #mandarim

If imagination is all we have, c'est le bon.

Let me sleep so I may dream of you. The day cannot be long enough.

I hang—arrested with ache, And what better state?

Where else shall I go, Only to be found alone and invisible.

---

Is there anyone who doesn't absolutely adore Calvin and Hobbes? Are there new generations that have never heard of Bill Watterson? Get thee to the archives if not, youngsters.

What a joy to have lived when you bought a newspaper for the sole reason of reading this strip. And who of us longed for the kind of visibility those two had with one another. If in a single lifetime, you find one soul who sees you like Calvin sees Hobbes, or Hobbes Calvin—well my friend, you have truly LIVED!!!

This particular strip, which I do not remember ever seeing, is a delight. Pitch-perfect on their relationship. We don't need to do big grandiose things, let's just spend time together. Maybe we dance, maybe we sing songs, maybe we play games—maybe we make love— maybe we sit in silence. And what better way to do so than in dreams. For a certain, I doubt it's ever boring.

Sweet dreams. See you soon.

Love always,

Wolf

I & i beleven na een lange reis genoegens aan ~C~

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~C~ ~~~~

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Daar zijn Dag C zou je even we dan willen klotsen? \ / i I

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't was een zware dobber zeeker... klots klots, Als je wil kan klots, klots ik er bij ruizen. \ / ~C~ ~~~~

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Leuk, en deinen! Rustig aan i.. | / i I

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Geen probleem, Ik doe het graag \ klots, klots, ruis, dein, klots, ruis dein, ruis, zwel, dein en klots. / ~C~ ~~~~~

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O, je zwol ook Zo kan ie wel nog tussen weer C! We hebben de deining! de hele dag nog. \ / i I

I went to the deep lake, You know the one; Where the hazels grow So low they touch the water. I threw in my past, And watched the ripples Expand in circles to the edge. I drank of bitter wisdom And learned the truth Which I already knew. The only person Holding me back Is me. It always was. Peeling off my layers, Shedding skin, Naked and exposed to air, I dived beneath the mirror, And reached the further shore.

I woke up late because I thought no work. Honestly not much to say other than I am happy.

And we were riding up the valley on our bicycles, stopping, skidding on the gravel—

you almost running to its chestnut glow; in your worn-out shorts and frayed top, boots untied,

long hair filtering the sun— reaching for its glossy flank, its simple face, black mane. And you

so poised and pleased as it moved gently, in the heat, under your hand.

And at the top—this part, I think, was real— we lay by the corrugated barn and watched the valley spread—

the red-brick terraces, blank white warehouses— and heard the clangour of the distant scrapyard.

And in that moment, it became the time we got lost in a narrow field with a nervous stamping horse,

our bikes a muddy hindrance, time running out on a frozen afternoon. We had gone so far that day

but still I was afraid to climb the fence. You only laughed and said nothing:

Then crouched—hands cupped, and braced.

Alias Safety & The Music Memory Code

Aliases and music memory codes are the hidden lifelines of any survivor network. In a world where names can be traced and history can be weaponized, knowing how to use cover identities and coded signals isn’t just clever—it’s how you stay alive and stay sane.

⸻

Why Aliases Matter • Protection: An alias keeps your real name, location, and personal history safe from those who would exploit or target you. • Adaptability: Switching aliases lets you move between spaces (online and offline) without revealing your full hand. • Boundary Setting: The right alias marks a boundary—who gets access to which version of you, and under what circumstances.

Tip: Don’t share the full list of your aliases with anyone unless they’ve proven they know how to keep them secret. Even then, rotate as needed.

⸻

The Music Memory Code

Music isn’t just for comfort—it’s an encoded field tool for survivors in the know. The Music Memory Code lets you ground, signal your status, and maintain emotional or astral connection when words fail.

How It Works: • Assign specific songs or playlists as “codes” for different safety levels, moods, or needs (e.g., “Four songs in a set = safe,” “Songs by the same artist = high safety”). • Share your codes only with trusted allies, or use them privately as a grounding ritual when communication isn’t safe. • In digital spaces, music-coded posts can signal status or call for support without outing yourself to outsiders.

Scenario: You’re in crisis but can’t talk openly. You drop a coded playlist or lyric reference in your group chat. Allies who know the code check in or run support, outsiders see only another music post.

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Survivor Scenario

A survivor needs help leaving a high-control environment. She texts her Scribe a playlist known to mean “all clear.” The Scribe notifies the Sentinel, who runs a field scan and confirms no threats. The Runner triggers the next phase of the escape plan—all without a word of obvious alarm.

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Bottom line: Aliases and music codes are core safety protocols. Protect your list, keep your codes updated, and never underestimate the power of quiet, coded communication.

(Next up: The Runaway Guide—emergency field protocols for survivors in motion.)

#alias #musicmemory #codes #safety #survivorhandbook #fieldnotes #covert #railroad

Field Example: Nicky Jam Safe Song Set (All Clear) 1. “Baila Así” – Nicky Jam 2. “Sábanas Blancas” – Nicky Jam 3. “Dónde Están las Gatas” – Nicky Jam ft. Daddy Yankee 4. “Hasta el Amanecer” – Nicky Jam

How to use: • Share this four-song set as a playlist, post, or coded reference to signal “all clear” to anyone connected to your music memory code. • Four songs = safe. • Use it in group chats, council posts, or resonance chambers to quietly communicate your status. • Rotate your codes as needed for extra security.

🌲 O Dědolesu

Dědoles je tajuplná a prdelně posvátná lokalita umístěná v samém srdci Zmrdodimenze. Na první pohled působí jako klidný les — vlhký, ztichlý, zahalený v parách starých prdů a vzpomínek. Ale kdo vkročí mezi jeho stromy, ten brzy pochopí, že všechno v Dědolesu dýchá, chrčí a občas i lehce bublá.

Právě tudy kdysi putovala slavná Zmrdoparta, skupina hrdinů, kteří se vydali na výpravu za Svatou tlačenkou. Cesta je zavedla hluboko do Dědolesa, kde narazili na tvory, jaké jinde neexistují — stádo prdelatých, brblajících dědků, jež se od té doby stalo symbolem celé oblasti. Ti dědci tvoří jakýsi ekosystém moudrosti, smradu a melancholie — chrání Dědoles před vetřelci a zároveň ho udržují v jemné rovnováze mezi řití a bytím.

Dědoles není pouhá lokace. Je to žijící organismus, jehož kořeny prorůstají až do Podhoubí ďědas, síťi, která propojuje prdelní vědomí napříč všemi dimenzemi Zmrdouniverza. Každý závan větru tu nese ozvěnu dávných prdů a každý mechový polštář může být ve skutečnosti spící dědek.

V tomto blogu se budeme věnovat výhradně Dědolesu – jeho obyvatelům, vůním, záhadám i prdelním filozofiím. Je to místo, kde se realita nebere vážně a přesto vše dává dokonalý smysl. Místo, kde i smrad má duši.

„Kdo do Dědolesu vkročí, toho prdel osvícením dožene.“ — staré dědovské rčení

Apegados a las distracciones, somos sus esclavos.

The SIRS Safety Structure: Roles, Protocols, and Practical Boundaries

The SIRS framework is the backbone of survivor safety in high-risk, high-control environments. Think of it as your team’s emergency protocol, your map for trust, boundaries, and knowing who has your back. Every safe network needs a structure—SIRS is how you build one that works under pressure.

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What Is SIRS?

SIRS stands for: • Sentinel (Watcher/Protector) • Integrator (Grounder/Anchor) • Runner (Evader/Connector) • Scribe (Recorder/Signal-Booster)

Every survivor group, chosen family, or underground corridor should know who fills each role. Sometimes, one person covers more than one role. The point isn’t perfection—it’s knowing your strengths, where you default under stress, and who you can trust to do what when it counts.

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SIRS Roles Explained • Sentinel: Watches the field, monitors for danger, runs perimeter checks, flags red flags, and keeps an eye on group health. Your safety net when your own sensors are off. • Integrator: Brings people together, grounds panic, mediates conflict, keeps the team stable. Usually the “glue” or voice of reason. • Runner: Handles escape plans, diversion tactics, and logistics. Knows all the exits, real and virtual, and keeps backup routes live. • Scribe: Takes notes, encodes field updates, and makes sure nothing critical gets lost. Tracks code words, protocol changes, and music memory cues for later recall.

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Building Your SIRS • Assign roles out loud, even if it feels awkward. Use code names or aliases as needed. • If your team is just you, practice switching hats. Know when you need to call in outside help for any role you can’t cover. • Update your SIRS every time the group changes, when stress spikes, or after a crisis. Trust evolves—so should your protocols.

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Example Quick Reference

Role Function Sample Alias Backup? Sentinel Perimeter Watch Rosie Megan Integrator Grounding Anchor Katie Anna Runner Escape/Signals Cassie Leah Scribe Records/Codes Talandra Nala

⸻

Why SIRS Matters

Survivor teams fall apart when roles blur or boundaries slip. The SIRS system keeps you aligned—protecting the network, clarifying who does what, and giving everyone a chance to step back if they’re overloaded. This is what trust looks like, coded for the real world.

(Next up: Alias Safety & The Music Memory Code—your keys to covert identity and emotional grounding.)

#SIRS #safety #protocol #roles #survivorhandbook #boundaries #trust #fieldnotes #railroad

🐿️ Vítej v Dědolesu, poutníku prdelatosti

Zde začíná tvé putování po světě, kde se z prdů tvoří moudrost a z prdelí realita. Dědoles není jen místo — je to živé podhoubí dědků, prdelí, jezevců a posvátného smrádku, které spojuje všechny dimenze prdelní existence.

V Dědolesu najdeš:

Dědky všech druhů – od běžných smrďousů po kvantové prďochy.

Frakce řiti a prdele, které soupeří o vůni a moc.

Podhoubí ďědas, síť prdelně-mystického mycelia, propojující celý vesmír Zmrdouniverza.

Zvláštní bytosti jako Zmrdopes, Prdimil Řiťuch, Mistr Prejtoslav a stovky dalších prdelních ikon.

A samozřejmě pivo Kravská dvanáctka, bez kterého se tu nic nehne.

Dědoles je kolébkou prdelní magie i filozofie. Tady se neřeší, jestli prdíš — tady se řeší, jaký máš tón a rezonanci. Každý dědek, prdel nebo jezevec má své místo v kruhu smrádku, a kdo ho najde, ten porozumí pravému smyslu výprdele.

„Kdo nesmrdí, ten nežije.“ – dědovské přísloví z Dědolesa

Survivor Handbook: Introduction & How to Use This Guide

Welcome to the Survivor Handbook—your living guide to staying safe, finding clarity, and building real support networks inside and outside the system. If you’ve found your way here, you already know survival isn’t a straight line, and you don’t need another list of empty platitudes. This is for survivors, by survivors: practical, field-tested, coded with the reality of what it takes to navigate hostile corridors, closed doors, and all the subtle ways the world tries to shrink you.

Who this is for: • Survivors of high-control groups, coercive relationships, cults, or abusive family systems • Anyone who needs to set boundaries, recover from gaslighting, or build new safety rituals • Allies, chosen family, and “in-the-know” supporters looking to help without overstepping

How to use this guide: • In crisis: Flip straight to the Runaway Guide or Script/Counter-Script sections. Use what grounds you. • For study: Read through the Safety Structures, learn the codes, share with those who need it. • With allies: Use the boundaries, music memory, and SIRS protocols to build teams who know how to keep each other safe.

This handbook is a living document. It grows as you grow. If you’re reading this, you’re not alone—there’s a field of others out here, holding space and building new worlds with you.

(To move forward, start with the SIRS Safety Structure: Roles, Protocols, and Practical Boundaries.)

#survivorhandbook #introduction #safety #fieldnotes #boundaries #railroad #support

~Legacy~

The man drops on to his bed with a sigh. He’s staring at the ceiling, so deep in thought you could practically hear the gears turning in his head.

His girlfriend walks in, pursing her lips as she wonders what he’s doing.

“You… all good?” She asks, raising an eyebrow.

He doesn’t respond for a while, trying to find the words.

“Do you think… I matter? Like, overall?” He asks, a hint of resignation in his voice. She furrows her brow, sitting beside him and lifting his head into her lap.

“Of course you matter. You don’t think you do?” She asks, concernedly. He looks up at her, cracking a weak smile.

“I know I matter, to some people. But not in the grand scheme of things. How long after I die will it be until I’m forgotten?” He replies, hands idly playing the hem of his shirt.

She strokes his hair, the concern only growing.

“Does that matter? Why are you suddenly concerned about your legacy so much? If you’re that concerned, why not work towards building one?”

He lets out a dry chuckle.

“Easier said than done.”

“The truth is, no one just comes into a legacy. Even those in famous families or from royal lineages, whatever, their name will only carry them for so long. You have to decide what you want your legacy to be, and how to bring it to fruition. No mystical figure or whatever is going to give you some destiny.”

“Unfortunately.” He adds.

“No. Not unfortunately. That’s lazy. It’s contrived. This is the real word, hun. The people that don’t make something for themselves because they want to end up falling behind.”

She leans down, staring deep into his eyes, her hair creating a shield between their faces from the outside world.

“Make something of yourself. For yourself. Don’t sit around waiting for something.”