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The look on the clerk's face when you're checking your wife into the hotel and you tell him two keys, and he puts one in front of you and one in front of your wife, who takes them both and says, “Oh, not for him!”

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When you go out of town for the weekend and your wife ends up having more sex than she would have had you stayed home.

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POVERTY

POVERTY is best described as some general scarcity or the state of one who lacks a certain amount of material possessions or money. It is a multifaceted concept, which includes social, economic, and political elements. Absolute poverty or destitution refers to the lack of means necessary to meet basic needs such as food, clothing and shelter*

This definition is thus far one of the best definitions I've best understood. Fair enough .

*Now let me ask you this

Wouldn't you find lack of love, affection, emotional security, being emotionally unavailable, inability to love as~~POVERTY ~~?

If you wouldn't, go through this with me.

He'd say “I love you ” every once in what felt like a decade or two. I'd forget how it feels to hear someone say such profound words genuinely.

I'd try to make him say or orather I'd say it every now and then so I could hear him say it back but he wouldn't. Well I thought he'd show at at least .But hey who was I kidding ?

He'd tell me he was too busy to call or text me back instead. Everyday. Everyday. That was how much he loved me. That was his affection.

Sometimes I didn't love myself enough that I'd text knowing he won't text back. I'd call knowing he won't pick up or rather explain to me why he couldn't. I'd literally beg for his attention in all possible ways, attention I never received. I begged for love I never received.

This ate me up. Think about emotional security! It made me feel like some lifeless teenager who longed for nothing but to be loved by a boy. It made me weak as a woman. At times it would make me feel like I wasn't woman enough to receive love.

Well I thought I needed to woman up and leave, go look for love, affection and to be emotionally secure. I thought it would be that easy and it wasn't.

Turned out I was so used to be under loved and unappreciated that I didn't respond to real love and affection. I was emotionally unavailable. I tried ,I really tried to condition my new life for this overwhelming love but I failed. I was truly hungry for love, I craved for it like a coke addict craved coke. It was there all along though. I couldn't handle it.

Now that I was failing to receive as a recipient, I decided I should give it maybe and just maybe I would be able to receive it. Well turned out I didn't know how to love either, or nobody taught me how to love. .

I guess there are kinds of poverty. Each kind has a bad impact upon your life, and each kind teaches you a lesson or two.

Some people only spend a short time in our lives but they are often the ones with the most impact.

CALIFORNIA // MAY 28 2017

#Love

Growing up,I thought love should hurt so you'd know it's real.It should rip you apart . I thought you should fight for a spot to prove just how much you love a person .

Today I know that love isn't all these things
It doesn't hurt, it shouldn't hurt.Should it hurt, it is everything but love. You don't have to fight for a spot because you're the spot.

Should you feel like you're are loved any less, hurt and fight more then darling oh darling go out there and find nothing but love.

#candy corn

“Well, they can't all be winners, can they?” -Bad Santa (the advent calendar incident)

Of course all hookups are not created equal. They usually far into one of the following categories:

THE TOP 10.......Cool guys, great-to-stellar sex, good rapport and chemistry, an encounter that leaves no bad aftertaste (pun slightly intended)

SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES!.......No major complaints, adequate-to-good sex, no jackass moments, would be down for future meets. Most hookups fall into this category.

THE CHINESE FOOD......Tasty and satisfying while being consumed but quickly forgotten. You will be hungry again soon and probably for something different.

THE CANDY CORN......You expected and hoped for chocolate and instead got a candy corn (see above reference to Bad Santa).

I've had my fair share of Candy Corn hookups. Upon reflecting on these encounters, I've realized the cause of a bad hookup is almost always due to a lack of honesty and communication (ha. just like in a real relationship). Since we're breaking things down, here are the Candy Corn sub-categories:

BULLSHIT PICS: Photos that misrepresent your true appearance. I've learned to decipher what you're hiding by what is NOT revealed in your pics. Headshots-only means there's a body problem. I'm no twig by a long shot so I'm sure to post pics that clearly show me from head to toe. During the 'chatting' phase, I'll send naughty pics that more or less show exactly what you'll be getting. I've had a couple of guys who failed to mention that they were extremely overweight. Funny thing is, at least with the second guy, I had a feeling something was off. I even asked him straight out, “what's your major malfunction?” because the relationship stories he was telling didn't mesh with his pics and personality. I agreed to meet despite my slight misgivings because I liked his personality and face. Upon meeting, however, the personality changed. Witty and warm morphed into whiny and distant. I understand the expectations of rejection that come along with a surprise reveal, but hey, you know damn well that you were trying to get away with something. I'm polite to a fault, so even if Shrek's ugly cousin opened the door, my composure stays intact (I hope) and I'll probably still blow you. But don't expect a second meet. Kitty doesn't like to have the wool pulled over her eyes.

To be continued...

Conversation between myself #before15 and #After15 [05/21, 19:30] Balungile: Hey [05/21, 19:31] Troy: Balungile [05/21, 19:36] Balungile: How the fuck are you? [05/21, 19:37] Troy: I'm super dope dude? How are you? [05/21, 19:38] Balungile: I'm perfectly fine . I miss you 😞 [05/21, 19:39] Troy: I miss you too.Will I ever see you again? [05/21, 19:41] Balungile: You would, had it been easy to burry bruises. Mend the heart. Now all that is impossible.

I have changed. I don't laugh, talk or smile the same. A lot has happened. Ever since you left. [05/21, 19:43] Troy: Well I could come back, you know? [05/21, 19:45] Balungile: Would you unbruise my soul? Unbreak my heart? I don't think so.

Look I did this to my self. [05/21, 19:48] Troy: I know I wouldn't be able to undo everything, I just want to be there for you. Take care of your bruises. I shouldn't have left cause just maybe. Maybe you would've remained the same wouldn't you? [05/21, 19:54] Balungile: Well maybe ,maybe not. I'm uncertain. And you know how uncertainty causes confusion .

See I pushed you away because I thought I could handle everything. I thought .Love would forever be all that glitters, unaware that, not all that glitters is gold.

I should have kept you. For ever. But I wanted to experience. To love and to be loved back. And you , you tried to stop me from doing so. Which is why I understand only today that you meant well.

I didn't get it back then because, because I was young and naive. [05/21, 20:03] Troy: Well I know I tried to warn you, but reading this makes me wish I would have tried harder. But it's okay I guess. Maybe you need to experience everything so you would know what I was right. Maybe not.

What did they do you ? Can you love truly again?

Do you trust the same?

Who is this whole new you, how is she like ? [05/21, 20:04] Troy: Needed ** [05/21, 20:05] Troy: That ** [05/21, 20:06] Troy: You know what? Just forget the typos.

Surely you get the gist. [05/21, 21:28] Balungile: Lol yeah I get it.

Well they did everything they promised not to ever do. They sure broke my heart such that it doesn't break no more, or better yet I'm empty.

Love? Love is dangerous. I have bruises from it or maybe what I have perceived as love. Or what I have had, had been nothing like love. Or isn't love at all. So maybe I don't know what love is. But I know that I did love, and those who received it had glowing beautiful skin in my presence. Their eyes lit the whole room. Their smiles would end wars. I never had any of these, If I did, it lasted for a day or two. So I don't the right way to love or to be loved, that is if there's any.

Trust is playing with fire ,hoping you won't burn when you will. It's tearing your own heart apart. So no I don't trust the same.

The whole new me is cold and empty. Yes she smiles because it is what keeps her going.

She is over protective of herself. And when ever she tries to open up, people endup hurting her. She's forever a victim and she really doesn't pitty herself any more.

She knows that people aren't who they say they are. They think love is all fun and games and can't stand it when it rains .So she fights alone until she doesn't have the energy anymore. [05/21, 21:38] Troy: You know, give yourself time. Time to heal whatever wounds. Love yourself so much that it scares whoever wants to destroy the good person that you are. We all love, differently. We show it differently and when people don't show it like we do, we assume it's not there.

See when you're done loving yourself enough, you'll see who's not good for you miles away .

Now please do me this favor, so I won't regret myself again for leaving you.

Love yourself that no one even yourself Will be able to take advantage of you.

As I stick to the lane you sent me to. I miss you. But I know that now you're big enough to take care of yourself. I love you. [05/21, 21:47] Balungile: Well I love you even more. I have always missed you. I doubt if I'll ever stop.

This is the most important advice. I've had people, friends and family but they've never told me something this important. They never really taught me this. Self love. All my family told me was “you're too young to be in a relationship, and never told me the right age or and what to expect from a relationship.

Popular line from my friends is “life goes on ” which is true but you can't really go on without getting over the pain first.

I appreciate you. And thank you. For everything.

“Don't let it get to you”, they say like it's that easy.

It didn't hurt when my heart broke. Did I expect to? Definitely. It wasn't quite melancholy either. But in fact something else. Something beyond us I suppose. Something so overwhelming with emotion, Yet devoid of any colour. So perplexing.. And yet in it, I find sense. Sense in the fact that when I was a girl, I was told; "One day you will find someone And they will become your world And I promise you, it will be the most amazing thing ever." And they were right. I did find someone. But they neglected to mention what happens when they left. That there would be nothing. No black, just void. And then out of nowhere, A symphony in my head. More chaotic than the most unorthodox of avant-garde. Something so overwhelming, that not even the sharpest of words could do it justice. Nothing. Then an explosion so immense and cataclysmic, That it shook my very being. Who could fathom that? Then finally I became whole, For the first time in a lifetime. When what I thought I needed left me, I realised I was whole. Like seeing colour for the first time, The world sparkled before my eyes. For I was a human experiencing a supernova. But it was more than that, A galaxy? Maybe even a whole universe. But it was my universe. And it's finally alive. My heart awoke with a bang, But it never really broke For we're all made of stardust, And fuel our lives, with hope. -Skylarking

I promise I will be brief, either because no one would actually read a long post and because I prefer short piece of writing. I am not used at all in expressing my thoughts, expecially by writing them and publishing the product, but this time I just wanted to ask a question: Everytime I run into a blog like this (both in tor and in "surface", mainly on an evil thing called tumblr) the only thing that I can see is people over-complaining and talking about themself in a very negative way? Like making everything too serious and exaggerating in many ways. I can't talk for them, but may I can tell you my personal experience? yeah? thank you man(, woman, Apache assault helicopter or bipolar transistor or whatever). I do not live in a third world country, I have enought money to buy food and clothes, and even some savings: I have basically everything I should need to live in a pleasant way; although, on the "human" side it's the complete opposite: my friends do not care for me (neither do I, but that's another story), I had a girlfriend once but for some unknown reason we broke up and my family is shattered, I'd say. the strange thing is that I do not feel miserable and I am perfectly able to keep going with my life perfectly: I am not sad, nor depressed; I am not willing to kill myself, or, worst of all, to set up a tumblr account, but on the other hand I have also no intrest in making new friends of finding a girlfriend. So my question is: why am I happy, or better, not worried about my life? Probably it's just me, and how I am made, who knows. If you want to answer my question because you are or you were in a similar situation with similar or opposite feeling, or you just have nothing at all to do, you can answer to me here; I will eventually look this up by time. Feel free to insult me, tell me that I am an hypocrite, selfish, bastard, motherfucker, ecc. From this side I am untouchable. PS I know that I should not take for granted that everyone is as lucky as me, but still...

I am sad more than I am happy... This statement has been true more times that I can count over the past year. While I can still crack a joke and make everyone around me smile, I fear for the time after the joke. When the expectations that are on me come back, the reminders of things that I have not yet accomplished. The reminder of things that I am not. The nots are too great to name, but I think about my nots all of the time. In this midnight hour, they are running through my mind preventing me from sleep. I want to be able to put them somewhere, to put them away, but where? There is no one I can talk to about these things without the "aww...I'm so sorry you feel that way, let me tell you all of the great things that I think about you" I didn't ask for that. I just want these feelings out of me. I want these thoughts to go away. The doubts, the disappointments, the frustration, the rage...it's eating me from the inside out. I am sad. I am depressed. I feel stupid. I feel alone. I should take my anti-depressants but what's the point? I don't feel like I'm living for myself anymore. I'm living so other people wont be sad. I'll be so excited for the day that I want to live for myself. The day that I am happy with me. The day when I can see what others say they see in me. Right now...I'm not enough for myself. I'm such a fuck up. I keep trying to act like I have it all together but shit is constantly falling apart. Even when it seems like it's getting better, something else happens that reminds me of how stupid I consistently am. The things that should bring me joy... they don't. I hate myself for my inability to be the person that I want to be.

This is a comment I left under the video of a youtuber named Dale Decker by the title of WHAT HAPPENED TO SKATE SHOES? I just wanted somewhere to leave my thoughts on skater owned brands so I found this website. If any skaters read this, just remember, support skater owned brands, not big wigs. I've skated Nike and Adidas trainers, and it doesn't take long to realise that the majority of the time they make far superior trainers (probably due to their big ass bank accounts). And after experimenting with various brands after my first year and a half skating I've personally settled on Emerica as my shoes of choice. I feel as if there is nothing wrong with choosing to wear Nike and Adidas or other corporate brand shoes as at the end of the day they have the money to let people live comfortably and do the thing we all love, skateboarding. Saying this tho, I will always back and suggest to others asking that they too back core skate brands. The reasons being that the people right at the top of these companies really love and understand skating the way that the average skater does, for the simple freedom of liberation and expression it gives us as people from our day to day lives, as well as the connection it brings us to others in the skate community. These people will always go further for skateboarding than the people at the top of the corporate companies. Now fashion these days is clearly a big part of skating, and young people and young skaters in general are vary conscious of how they look as well as fitting in (ironic given how skating and the scene surrounding it started), so if Nike and Adidas shoes and clothes make you feel better about how you look then for sure go for that, but the question you really need to ask when settling on what brand of skate product you are going to buy is, if skating stopped being trendy and fashionable and didn't rack in all the money it does these days and all the camo trouser wearing, toe capping, thrasher tee loving, nike match court wearing skaters suddenly upped and vanished, and the money was hard to come by even for the big corporates, who would really still be trying to make these shoes and clothes and boards etc? your Nikes and Adidas' and New balances? or the Emerica's, Es' and Lakai's? some of the core companies have gone under before and they still came back, why? because the real skaters REALLY love this shit man. So support their hussle, not a big wig stealing your money.

Well....it's my big lesson.Everyone has learned a big life lesson when person is actually human and when he became a real human.I am not very good at speaking English,I'm from Bosnia,so sorry..Well I was 13 years old and my sympathy was with me in my class and we had a Written School Homework and I helped him every question but teacher realized that I helped him and I got ,,F''.I was sad but not because of mark.I was sad because of him and his acting to me,his way looking me.He was acting like a winner although he isn't winner,he is actually looser.He was laughing to me after class with all his dumb friends.When we finished with school I talked to him.That was a short conversation: Me:Deen,can we please talk a little bit? He:Ohh..arggh,O.K.,where? Me:Can we go to this cafe please,I won't be long so can we just get in this cafe and done it for every time in my fucking life? He:Ok(we came into the cafe) Me:Well,I'm very angry because of Math today,do you know it? He:I don't give a fuck.I got ,,A'' and you got ,,F'' because you didn't know everything. Me:Haha(sarcastic),you are really dumb or you work for being dumb?I helped you everything and when I got ,,F'' you didn't told anything to teacher or apologized to me.I was sad,but not because of ,,F,''I will talk with teacher about everything and my mother will go here tomorrow,I'm sad because I really loved you as a sympathy but now you showed me that to you mark means everything and that you are sick of it.You are trying to get a friends for laughing others,but did you try to find a real friend who will give you advice when you need it?Did you try to find a friend who will always stay with you?(I was crying)Did you try to love somebody,just to feel a love and that emotions when you love...Ha?Do you know why we go to school?Not because of this lessons or marks.We are preparing for life and working as a team.Have you ever asked yourself:,,What will be with me in my life,I don't have any real friends?''.I'm happy because I have friends who will be with me in every moment in my life,like today.You don't have it.I will always help you,but I won't ever love you as a sympathy or as a friend.No.I will help you just because you go with me in my class and I won't be people poop who don't helps anyone.I am not that person...Because I have dear persons in my life who will make my life beautiful although it is terrible. He:I don't know what to say... Me:You don't have to say anything...I just wanted to open your eyes so now you can see life and what life means... He:I'm sorry... Me:If you apologize me and after 2 months do the same thing,then this apologize means nothing... He:I'm really sorry,I was dumb poop and I didn't realize it... Me:Sure,but you realize now when is too late for everything.Bye And then I left to my house.I was happy because he know what life means although he is the most bad person that I ever met.I hope so that you realize a message of this story.

أهلًا بالعالم! لطالما كانت تستهويني فكرة الكتابة. الإعتقاد بأن ما يدور في ذهني كل لحظة من أفكار ستجد ما يحررها في الكتابة لتنطلق في فضاء الصفحات الخاوية لتجعل منها كونًا حيّا. أظنني، ومثلي الكثيرون، تدور في أذهانهم الكثير من الأسئلة والأفكار النيّرة، الغريبة والعجيبة أحيانًا، بعض منّا استطاع أن يشاركها مع الغير عن طريق المخاطبة أو نشرها على الإنترنت. لم أكن منهم، ليس حتى اللحظة، ففي ثورة الانفجار الفكري لدي، وجدت الحاسوب أمامي متصلًا بالإنترنت، أدى هذا الأمر إلى أن أنعزل بعض الشيء عن محيطي وأتواصل أكثر عن طريق الكتابة مع أصدقائي الإفتراضيين في تلك الفترة، ما صعّب عليّ مهمة مشاركة أفكاري مع من حولي. ولكن ولحسن الحظ، فقد كنت منذ صغري محبًا للكتب والمجلات وأقرأها بكثرة، ولّد هذا لدي الشعور بالشغف تجاهها والتيقّن من أن النشر عن طريق الكتابة، خصوصًا مع ثورة الإنترنت وسهولة وصول المعلومات لعدد كبير من الناس، ستكون الطريقة المُثلى بالنسبة إليّ لمشاركة أفكاري. على الرغم من وجود هذه الفكرة منذ سنوات بعيدة، إلّا أنّني لم أبدأ فعليًا بالكتابة، كنت أظن أن ما لديّ من أفكار ربما لا يستحق المشاركة، وكنت أتعذر عادة بعدم وجود الوقت الكافي لكل هذا، ولأنني شخص عادة ما أستمر في فعل أمر ما والمواظبة عليه. ربّما لم يكن في حقيقة الأمر لا هذا ولا ذاك، بل أعتقد بأن الخوف من ردّة فعل الآخرين لما أكتب هو السبب الأعظم في تأخري. بدأت شيئًا فشيئًا بالجواب على السؤال الذي طالما ألهمني عند كل مرة أستخدم فيها برنامجًا للتواصل الإجتماعي ... " ما الذي يدور في ذهنك؟" لقد كان هذا السؤال بحد ذاته مفتاحًا لكنوز من الأفكار التي لا طاقة لعلي بابا وعصابته بحملها. في كل مرة أجاوب فيها على هذا السؤال ومشاركة ما يدور في ذهني فعليًا، كنت أتيقن أكثر وأكثر من أنني أملكها، القدرة على تحويل ما يدور في ذهني من أفكار إلى كلمات، مُلهمة في الغالب بحسب ردود أفعال من قرؤها، ومشاركتها معهم. لذا منذ ذلك الحين وأنا أنتظر الفرصة السانحة، وأظنها قد حانت. وقعت على هذا الموقع الجديد، والذي أجزم بأن من فيه، في لحظة كتابة هذه المقالة، لا يمكنه القراءة بالعربية عذرًا عن فهم ما كتبت، ولكن هذا لا يهم. المهم أنّني قمت بإنجاز رائع! وجدت صفحة بيضاء ناصعة البياض ولم أتمالك نفسي حيالها، كتبت كل هذا في لحظتها بدون توقف، وأشعر بحرارة في قلبي جراء شعلة من عقلي. هنا، حين يتمازج نتاج العقل مع حرارة القلب لينتج عنه ما يطلق عليه وصفًا بالشغف. هذا ليس كل ما لديّ، أظنّ بإمكاني أن أستمر بالكتابة ههنا حتى مطلع الشمس، ولكنّ لدي واجبُ جامعي لأنجزه خلال ثلاث ساعات. كنت أعمل عليه عندما مررت بهذا الموقع مصادفة ونسيت نفسي بالكتابة. كانت الفرصة السانحة والنداء الذي لطالما أنتظرته، صفحة بيضاء ولوحة مفاتيح وعقل يضجّ بالأفكار وقلب ممتلئ بالشغف.. ما الذي تتوقع أن يحدث؟ محمد