I Am Fog; I Want to Be Seen

I want to be seen, to matter, to carve my existence into the world, to leave behind echoes so loud they shatter the silence.

But I am fog — a soft invasion, a ghostly drift with no edges, no boundaries, no core to grasp.

I spread myself thin, seeping into cracks, filling spaces where no one asked me to be. Hovering on the edge of perception, a chill you feel but cannot name.

I ache to be known, for someone to pierce the mist, to find the trembling pulse inside the haze. But when eyes linger, the fog thickens, the chill deepens, and I retreat — afraid of being too much, afraid of being nothing at all.

I dissolve under scrutiny, evaporate when touched. The closer you get, the less I exist. See me, but don’t trap me. Know me, but don’t hold me.

I drift between contradictions — a wish and a fear, a presence and an absence, burning with the need to matter, choking on the belief that I don’t.

I long to change the world, but what is fog to the landscape? What impact does mist leave on mountains? I settle on everything, but alter nothing.

I am there, then gone, a memory, that barely lingers. Lost in my own diffusion, I search for a shape, a frame, a core of me — but everything slips, melts, evaporates.

I hover in the gray, where light and shadow mix, where direction fades, where every step is a guess, and nothing leads home.

I want to matter, to step out of the blur, to scream my presence into the world — but my voice disperses, a breath swallowed by the endless void.

I am fog, wrapped in longing, cloaked in fear. Everywhere, yet nowhere, seen, yet unseen.

Searching, always searching, for something solid, something real, a clearing where I can finally condense into a self that holds, into a shape that stays.

But the mist is endless.

And I am lost within it.

I See You

I see you— not like the world does, not the you that they applaud for being strong, for getting up, showing up, never giving up.

I see the you who aches in quiet, the weight you carry that no one can see, like imprints etched deep within your bones.

I see you— in the grind of your jaw when the day feels endless, in the fire behind your eyes when you dream of what could be, of what will be. I hear the whispers of your wants, those wild, unspoken desires that hide behind your steady voice.

You think you’re subtle. You think the world only sees the provider, the protector, the one who holds everything together. But I see you, who dances in silence, who laughs with abandon when the weight slips off just for a second.

I see your joy, that rare flash of it, sharp and sudden, like a comet streaking across a dark sky. I see your doubt, your hesitation that you keep chained beneath your ribs, where no one is allowed to look.

But I look. I look, and I see it all. And you — you are more than muscle, more than duty, more than that quiet grit that the world Mistakes you for.

I see your soul. The wild, pulsing, vulnerable core of you, the part that wants to be free, the part that aches to build a life not just of survival, but of wild, reckless, unapologetic living.

I see you. And it inspires me. Every. Single. Day.

Because what I see— the full, messy, glorious you— is more than the world can ever know. And that’s my gift, the one you didn’t ask for, but the one I give freely:

I see you. And I love the you that you don't recognize.

After news of Donald Trump's impending victory was confirmed, people began abandoning X for more favorable pastures. Many of those folks ended up joining the Atmosphere on Bluesky in November.

Bluesky, an alternative social media platform to X — formerly known as Twitter — has experienced a large surge in users as Democrats, including a number of prominent figures on the left, announced their departure from the social media network owned by Elon Musk in the wake of the presidential election.

Nearly 1 million users have signed up for Bluesky each day over the past week as the social networking website thrives in the wake of a liberal exodus from X.

Many users either quitting X or deactivating their accounts cited a “toxic” or “disturbing” environment, in part blaming Musk's leadership and promotion of certain political stances. (The Hill)

Although their growth was initially explosive after the election, Bluesky's rise has slowed down as of late, as the site has plateaued according to the latest stats (props to colesantiago on Hacker News for locating this link).

According to MUNIN stats, Bluesky is averaging around 14 million monthly active users, with about three million of those being active daily users.

Compare & contrast that with Threads, whose monthly & daily stats are 21 & 33 times larger, respectively.

Threads strong momentum continues — now 300M+ monthly actives and 100M+ daily actives 💪 (via @zuck@threads.net on Threads

Threads now has 300M monthly actives and 100M daily actives. A big thank you to this rapidly growing community — we're making something special together, and we'll focus on making it even better next year. (via @mosseri@threads.net on Threads)

A little over a month ago, Bluesky rocketed to first place in the App Store (in the United States 🇺🇸) according to AppFigures.

A month later, Bluesky has surprisingly fallen out of the top 100 app downloads for iPhone (Bluesky is listed as 148 according to AppFigures), & is not even listed in the top 200 apps for Android devices.

Meanwhile, Threads (in the United States 🇺🇸) has maintained its place within the top ten in the App Store (currently in fourth place as of this post) and Android (in 10th place on Google Play), respectively.

Note: X surprisingly has maintained its presence within the top 100 apps (they previously were not even listed), having secured the 46th spot on the App Store & the 66th spot in Google's Play Store for Android, respectively.

What Can Bluesky Do To Challenge Threads & X‽

Bluesky lacks the financial resources to compete against Threads or X, as both behemoths are backed by billions of dollars.

However, Bluesky seems to be carving a niche within progressive circles, & the site should actively court politicians, athletes, influential artists & businesses dissatisfied with X & Meta.

Since Bluesky lacks Threads ties to Trump or X's enthusiastic support for the once & future President, the blue butterfly 🦋 should flex its wings on Inauguration Day (January 20th, 2025) to those who desire an alternative social network to call home.

Last but not least, Bluesky needs to figure out a way to quickly embrace true decentralization, as the reports of them being decentralized are not accurate.

Note: Bluesky would be wise to convince more prominent players like @wordpressdotcom@threads.net, @ghost@threads.net & @flipboard@flipboard.social to integrate Atmosphere within their respective platforms before @threads@threads.net & @flipboard@threads.net fully embrace ActivityPub for their massive user bases.

Once the latter two fully embrace the Fediverse (ActivityPub style), hundreds of millions of users will ignore the Atmosphere altogether, reducing Bluesky to a singular decentralized node.

I wanted to say that I struggle with distilling myself down into a word or an identity, but I think maybe the opposite is true. I think I fixate on a specific term that I think I should be and I inevitably fall short of that and I just beat myself up about it. I've never thought about it like this but I guess I do that for the term happy. I feel a little bit alone and I feel like I haven't been perfectly happy as I'm kind of stressed even though I'm on vacation with my friends for the first time ever. I keep beating myself up because I'm not enjoying it as much as I think I should be and I feel like it's a waste. I guess I don't think there's any middle ground between happy or depressed I'm so afraid of the latter.

Storms and waves on every side But Jesus says, “no need to hide” only in a still, small voice can we hear the whispers of Christ

Oh! clang and noise of war! and our wounds so sore! “where is God?” we cry helplessly but Jesus says, “I'm in the boat, with thee”

“do you believe – wind and sea obey me – or, do you crave – even more faith – ?”

as wise elders say: the greatest thing you can learn is to love and be loved in return

credits

1. Picture by Rembrandt, (1633). Christ in the storm on the lake of Galilee.
2. Lyrics popularised by Nat King Cole, in the song, titled “Nature Boy” (1948): The greatest thing you'll ever learn / is just to love / and be loved in return.

#poems

C'est en XXIII que tout a commencé, Une première sacro-sainte année, Un très long toboggan dans lequel je me suis laissé glisser. Il n'avait de cesse de tourner, et moi, je n'ai pas su freiner.

Dans une spirale, je me suis enfermé, Pas de sable ou de tapis pour me réceptionner. C'est en XXIV qu'en psychiatrie je vais être ramassé, À la petite cuillère, comme il est d'usage de le souligner. Tel un puzzle usagé, un baril de Lego désordonné, Une poupée dans une crèche, privée d’un membre, d’un œil, de sa dignité.

Depuis ma chute, j'ai passé un temps fou à tout raconter, Comme un disque rayé, je revis une G.A.V. : Répéter inlassablement comment tout a vrillé, Les faits, les dates... Tout finit par se mélanger. C'est parfois à se demander si je n'ai pas tout imaginé.

Je suis un foutu polytraumatisé. Le genre de gars qui n'a pas encore tout résolu, Ni sa mélancolie, ni son instabilité, Le genre de gars plein d'aigreur, qui a encore du mal à digérer son vécu.

XXV sera peut-être l'année où tout va se résoudre, Je n'aurai plus besoin d'en découdre, Je n'aurai plus de grain à moudre, Je n'en aurai plus rien à foutre.

L'année où l'apaisement va me recouvrir, Tel une couverture de survie, pour que mon esprit ait moins à souffrir. A force de médiquer, mes synapses vont s'ouvrir, De la vie à nouveau, j'espère jouir.

La fin de l'année arrive, si j'en fais le bilan, il est positif quoi que j'en dise. Je prend assez de médicaments, pour être forcé d'arrêter la tise, Le vin et la bière 0,0 c'est tellement crasse, c'est tellement fade, c'est tellement lisse, Que les fêtes sont garanties sans bêtises.

Je reste encore hors de contrôle, je ne suis pas la sagesse incarnée, Mais d'après ceux qui surveillent ma geôle, ma geôle dorée, C'est une question de temps — un temps que je vais compter. Des Alpes, je suis passé aux Monts d'Arée : La courbe de mon humeur continue d'onduler, Mais ses oscillations sont plus lissées, Finis les sommets pointus sur lesquels le vent peut hurler.

Je suis atteint par un trouble de l'humeur, Je commence à l'accepter, la clef du bonheur ?

Image Credit: Banner from Aethy

Known for its Not Safe For Work (NSFW) content, Aethy has avoided the dreaded shutdown fever that has affected other instances like Mozilla Social & Moth Social (the latter which also took down the Mammoth app & their Fediverse subscription service).

Earlier reports of Aethy's uncertain future was leaving fans of the site demoralized, although it appears that the site has found a new lease on life after locating a new owner to run the instance.

A NEW OWNER FOR AETHY HAS BEEN FOUND! 🎉

The vibes are flawless, and the agreement has been signed!

Over the next week we will be transferring all necessary services (domain, server, mail etc) to the new owner.

Once all that's been done, the Big Official announcement will be made.

There will also be NO restriction on LSC due to the new owner's local laws not criminalizing fictional works 🥳

EDIT: Our rules on realistic 3D will remain; by no restrictions we mean within our current rules. (Punkbot on Aethy)

It is still unclear who the new owners are, although @punkbot@aethy.com will probably reveal that after the holidays. Regarding expenses, Aethy's were more or less typical for a hyperactive ActivityPub instance.

Here's the cost breakdown for running Aethy:

• Server hosting: $72 per month
• Domain name: $14.76 per year
• Email: $48 per year
• Storage: ~$30 per month
• Translation Services: ~$40 per month
• CDN: $280 per year
• PO Box (DMCA Requirement): $166 per year (About Aethy, Financials)

Aethy is the Flagship instance of Ruffy, the latter which is a fork of Mastodon.

Image Credit: Ruffy icon from Ruffy.

For those wondering what distinguishes Ruffy from Mastodon, their Patreon page sums up the differences between the Fediverse platforms.

Support the development of the open source fork of Mastodon, Ruffy! Ruffy is an open source project allowing people to create their own federated social network. Each social network is capable of talking to one another in order to create a network of community websites. Ruffy is a fork with a focus on improvements to the interface which allow for more of a focus on blog-style and art content. With features that allow for longer posts, more image uploads, and better readability, Ruffy is perfect for social networks focused on creative content! (Ruffy on Patreon)

Although @Ruffy@aethy.com is not as popular as other Mastodon forks, they appear to have struck gold by powering Aethy, the latter of which is a top 20 Fediverse instance according to Fediverse Observer (**note: ** @fediverseobserver@fediverse.one tracks the user activity of most Fediverse platforms, even controversial ones).

Also, since Ruffy is a fork of Mastodon, users can log into the site via a standard Mastodon mobile app.

Why Does An NSFW ActivityPub Instance Survival Even Matter‽

Many people probably do not care about Aethy's survival, and more Fediverse users than not would celebrate its demise based on its content.

However, the fact that a platform whose funding options are more limited (as it is advertiser-unfriendly and folks may shy away from publicly supporting Aethy) was able to obtain the resources to stay online should encourage safe work sites struggling financially in these turbulent times.

Hopefully, we will witness more members of instances contributing towards their favorite Fediverse community, as it will help the Fediverse avoid the fate of email providers (in which the masses gravitate towards a few strong players).

The major part of this day has been smoothly productive. The only points of frustration came from trying to communicate with someone who has a very limited understanding and a significant amount of misunderstanding of how computer messaging works. Communications are so often a challenge. sigh.

posted Thursday, Dec 19, 2024 at ~8:38 PM #QNDEC2024

Thursday 2024-12-19

Prayers, etc.: * 07:00 – Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel * 07:30 – praying The Angelus * 09:30 – praying the Joyful Mysteries of the Holy Rosary, followed by the Memorare * 10:00 – praying to Atone for Rome's 2025 Jubilee Mascot. * 10:30 – Readings from today's Mass include – Epistle: Phil 4:4-7 and Gospel: John 1:19-28. * 11:00 – Thought for today from Archbishop Lefebvre: God Himself has asked us to make use of the goods of this world to fulfill our duty of state. So it is obvious that we have to make use of the goods of this world. But the disorder that is inside us because of original sin makes it so we seek those goods in a disordered manner, in an excessive manner, which leads us to turn away from prayer, to turn away from God. For what is prayer if not the raising of our soul toward God? Many people no longer raise their soul toward God because they are entirely taken up by the things of this world. They no longer pray and they do not come to unite themselves to the great prayer of our Lord, which is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. They desert the churches because they are caught up in the spirit of the world. * 12:00 – praying The Angelus * 16:30 – prayerfully reading The Athanasian Creed, followed by today's Daily Meditation found in Benedictus Magazine. * 18:00 – praying The Angelus * 19:00 – praying the hour of Compline for tonight according to the Traditional Pre-Vatican II Divine Office, followed by Fr. Chad Ripperger's Prayer of Command to protect my family, my sons, my daughter and her family, my granddaughters and their families, my great grandchildren, and everyone for whom I have responsibility from any demonic activity. – And that followed by the Thursday Prayers of the Association of the Auxilium Christianorum.

Health Metrics: * bw= 214.0 lbs * bp= 139/74 (70)

Diet: * 08:00 – 3 cookies * 09:00 – 1 banana * 09:40 – cottage cheese * 11:00 – 1 ham & cheese sandwich * 13:10 – 1 bottle of Boost Glucose Control Max * 15:30 – 1 ice cream sandwich

Chores, etc.: * 07:00 – listen to local news talk radio * 08:30 – bank accounts activity monitored * 10:45 – start my weekly laundry * 11`:25 – listen to relaxing music, leisure reading * 16:00 – local news and weather * 16:30 – more music and reading

Chess: * 19:50 – moved in all pending CC games

posted Thursday 2024-12-19 ~19:50 #DLDEC2024

For the last 2 years, I've worked on a MacBook for my clients and private projects. And I think I can finally compare the feeling of working with the MB and other Notebooks. Around 2015, I've bought my first ThinkPad, a T450s from Lenovo and used it for ~6 years (Before that, I was using a Schenker XMG Gaming Notebook, which was not the best for client work. Big and clumsy). I was happy with it and my Arch Linux installation. The only thing what bothered me, was the memory limit of 12gb. So I decided to buy the next ThinkPad, a T490s. That was the end of 2019 and the start of 2020. Which I then used until I bought the MacBook. The best thing was, that the Arch Linux installation was the same as on the T450s, I just moved the data onto a new bigger SSD.

To be clear, I will not compare the software on the Notebooks. They are not comparable, and I still would work with my Arch Linux. But I think that this is not worth the effort, especially on the newer M Chips. I always thought that Apple Hardware is superior to other hardware. Be it the iPhone or the MacBooks. But they made “strange” software was strange. I still think that, but I've learned to workaround it. My ulterior motive in buying a MacBook was that I wanted to save time. Just have a working system when you need it. Not that it was the case before, but I'm more compatible with my clients' work now. No hassle with VPN installations or getting something to work. I no longer wanted to be the “special” guy with the Linux Notebook anymore. 😅 It was cool when I was younger and had more time, but now with the Kids, my time is needed somewhere else. I'm still rooting for Linux, but I need to be more compatible and can't tinker around.

So, enough prelude. 😂 What I initially wanted to say was, that a MacBook is such a nice piece of hardware and I love to work with it. On the couch. On the dining table or just sitting somewhere on the ground. Mostly because the trackpad is so great. I was also able to play Oxygen not included with it on the couch. 😎 My other Notebooks were always a desktop alternative, with a mouse and keyboard plugged in. ThinkPads have the better Keyboard, that's for sure. But the Trackpad and also the Trackpad of other brands are from hell to torture you. I even learned to use the Trackpoint efficiently, which then was a game changer. But not the best for ergonomics.

What I want to compare here, to get to the point. Is that feeling when you take the Notebook, open the lid and start working with it. With the MacBook, it feels just good. With the ThinkPads or the Schenker XMG or event before, my old Compaq or Acer were all shitty. You always wanted to attach the mouse and do as less as possible. Furthermore, the MacBook is an aluminum unibody, the others just plastic slammed together. This is something you will recognize while using a Notebook. I wish other companies would do the same. But then you have the software, which is mostly Windows…

The frame.work Notebooks come close, I think. I never tested one, but if my next Notebook will not be a MacBook, then I would try a frame.work one. It is modular, looks like it will have a nice haptic comparable to a MacBook, and you can use Linux on it.

I hope this gibberish makes sense to anyone. 😂

62 of #100DaysToOffload

#log

Thoughts?

I am so grateful to Shantigarbha Warren and Barry Jones for being the conduit.

I hope that what I write is a gift to you.

In the Role Play Club(RPC), Shantigarbha’s idea of ‘omnipartiality’ was shared. My first impression of the idea is that it supports when a situation wants you to take sides; one can confirm to self and other that one is seeking to hold omnipartiality – a perspective where all needs matter.

I was so grateful. I didn’t want to be at role-play club today, but it’s always fun. It is the kind of fun when you first start NVC, you know, where you learn that by going, you will usually end up in a wonderful state by the end or at least feel much better. So, knowing this, I took a break from my MSc.

I have been trying to complete my MSc for longer than I would like. Many things have contributed to it taking longer than I would like. Overall, it seems to be a battle with my demons, a long-standing trauma since I gave up my degree 30 years ago and chose to run away to sea as an environmental activist. Over the last few months, I have found myself showing up with less grace than I would like because someone in my peer group has done things that I fundamentally hate. It has impacted my work and my strategy to heal experiences that I now describe as sexually abusive in my childhood. Of course, I am not going to like what they have done. It relates to systemic issues; of course, I am going to find myself on the other side of the fence. And it relates to my experiences as a trans woman; of course, I am going to find it easy to name their behaviour as transphobic.

So it was against that backdrop, that milieu of hurt and fear, that the word omnipartial came as we offered feedback about a role play. One of the things that I love about RPC is that we co-create a playful space, and perhaps this had me open, in a receptive state, to receiving Shantigarbha’s gift.

For in that moment, I could suddenly hold an omnipartial perspective about my old friend and peer, someone with whom I have such differences that have contributed a great deal of pain and about whom I have been so ungraceful. What gifts!

And this is my gift to you, my humble gratitude and learning, at this solstice time. A time when I look back, be present and look forward, like the generations before me, and offer hope and goodwill to all.

With love, and more and more grace,

ember.

I have like 4 hours to sleep tonight, And I woke up an hour in because I realized I forgot to write something today. Here it is.

From the private notes of Diotima Erthrea

Adventurers are weird. Like not necessarily deviant weird, though that happens, but just like... weird. Okay, look, see... it takes a certain kind of person to say 'hey I know I could just live my life and be safe and coast along until I dunno, I can stop working and settle down or whatever but I think instead I'm going to go risk my life and do crazy shiz and maybe actually probably die young after collecting all of the trauma and mental illness.' Right? So yeah, they... we, whatever... they're all weird people. 

But okay, I'm not sure whether they're... okay fine, we're... weird because we're adventurers or we're adventurers because they don't fit in. Both, probably, it's kind of an I dunno, feedback loop of someone who doesn't fit in finding a thing that suits them and collecting more weirdness along the way. Or maybe we're just different. I dunno. I guess I can only speak for myself. For me, it's just...  I need to be doing something that matters, I want to feel like -I- matter, and maybe risking my life is not the most healthy way to do it but it's, you know, my way. So you know, I ride the trauma train and pretend the... everything... doesn't bother me and I sort of just do my thing and if I'm strange, well, whatever, you know?

And... yeah so the term adventurer, I sort of love and hate it. Like I'm not adventuring, I'm working, this is sort of what I do, it's not special so why we need a term for it. But I prefer it to “hero” or “heroine” or whatever, there are heroes and I am definitely not one of them. How pretentious would that be, calling myself 'hero.' Don;t trust anyone calling themselves a hero, that is a fact.

Anyway... 

Vul tells me that I should not feel responsible for everyone ever, that 'saving the world' (not even sure what that means) isn't my job but I think she knows that's a losing fight. I do feel responsible, not like I'm equipped to fix everything but I can try to fix what I can. River gives me a look when I say stuff like that, like... 'and you think you're not a hero' but I'm actually not, I'm terrible, I just... don't like to see things broken. I don't like suffering. And yeah I guess hubris, I think maybe I can make a difference and if I can, then I don't have a choice... I have to try. 

Oh fuck me, I do sound like a fucking hero. Still not one though. I'm not a great person, okay, this is compensating for that, balancing the scales I guess. 

Ugh. We were taking about weird. Weird, let's go.

So yeah. My sex life is 'its complicated' if we are being real, I'm not afraid of physical danger, not really, and I crave conflict not for its own sake but because it gives me something to fix. And you know, I'm an emotionally repressed ball of rage and whatever, though TBH I mostly hide that pretty well.

And other 'adventurers' are not the same weird but they're weird. Like okay, real talk? Even the most cowardly of adventurers I have met have been braver than most 'regular' brave people I've met. And they all have quirks because tbh this like is trauma camp sometimes.

I'm just word vomming now. One more thing tho. Okay, so like... friendship between adventuers is so much more... meaningful. Like regular people, they see friendship as sort of a  convenient form of entertainment, right? Like hey, let's get some ale and whatever. But adventurers, we see it as a pact, kind of. Like... we know that we might be in the shiz and we might have to risk dying together and we like, care about each other so we're like 'I would die to protect you' (but no one says that tbh we just know it) and it's just this other level that regular people never know and... 

...I dunno. I sort of suspect this is why I don't 'do' friendship, because my standards are so high and I expect that out of people who aren't like us. So I just reject friendship out of hand because to be real, why am I gonna waste my time on shallow fucking nonsense.

And with that utterly bitchy comment, I'm gonna go study. 

#writing #fiction

If you love books or just the idea of books... then you need to read this.

It's not a novel... think: interview. It is a collection of stories of booksellers and librarians who LOVE the medium they are in. They are interesting anecdotes, but a few gems quite literally moved me to tears.

Like the story of a store's patron who brought a donation of cash to the store in the middle of the pandemic to ensure they could stay in business and provide books to children. Heartwarming.

It won't change your life. But, if you are like me and only ever understood books and those who provide them from a readers point of view, it's an interesting walk through the eyes of those who work to provide them.

Personally, I found VERY interesting how people came to be in the book business. More than a few stories had the theme of 'I worked a place and when the owner retired, I bought the store.' And it's an easy read. All of the entries are pretty short (3-6 pages), so it's a great book to read a little and the set back on the nightstand.

But, don't take my word for it. Pick up a copy, or get one from the library and see for yourself what a joy it is to read about other people's love of books.

The Importance of Libraries