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from sappy alternatives

i'm stuck in the middle of an ocean and just don't know where to go. it sucks to be 24 years old and “have my whole life ahead of me”. i got money, time, and energy to do stuff, but just because i planned it and wanted it to happen, doesn't mean that it is going to happen. especially true if there's other people in the equation. people are fickle, unreliable, malleable beings. i've become like that myself.

i guess broken dreams spread like zombie virus. you get your hopes up, and then you go about infecting other people when your hopes turn into nothing. there isn't a cure for this. when you lose your soul you just walk like a dead person all through your life.

Photo by Oliver Sjöström from Pexels Photo by Oliver Sjöström from Pexels

i didn't realize that the decision to start a family of my own causes about the same amount of anxiety as being conflicted about whether to have a husband and kid/s to begin with. the “ttc waiting game” is a hell on its own. am i gonna get pregnant this month? just when you feel you've got pregnancy symptoms, your period comes. then you gotta wait a month for your next fertile window. and when it finally comes, you got a partner who won't have sex with you for shitty reasons. then you're not sure about your period again. am i gonna get pregnant this month? we didn't do it right so probably no. then you remember that he got two women “accidentally” pregnant before. now it feels like you've got a cursed uterus. life is being such a big bitch to you. it won't even let you become a parent.

it hurts. i didn't realize that trying to make a baby is going to be heartbreaking.

i fucking waited for my fertile window for nothing. somehow it feels like he doesn't fully want this. how can i be with someone who's not all the way with me? someone who “doesn't want to rush” things. someone who would i guess rather play all day than actually live like an adult.

maybe he's just not family or dad material. i should have known. and i have the evidence right in front of me. he's not involved with his kids' life and just wants to forget about them. that alone sort of breaks my heart.

my own father severed our ties a few days ago. he said he doesn't want to hear from me again, ever. i haven't felt him as a parent since my teenage years anyway. but now i feel like i have lost the father i never had.

it doesn't matter anymore, really. to hell with my daddy issues. i have a lot of other issues to handle. here's what i can recall off the top of my head:

  • relationship insecurities
  • body image issues / self-esteem
  • my poor surfing abilities
  • family problems
  • my bipolar fucking disorder / mental health
  • possible infertility
  • my bisexuality
  • income-earning / job satisfaction

i don't wanna think about all this anymore, really, kind of like i just wanna laugh on and think that my life is a big joke.

for now, at least i'm starting to care less about him. i'm starting to care less about everything in general. maybe peace is coming. maybe peace is simply not giving a fuck. and just letting everything happen...except i can't have a fetus in my womb just because i didn't care enough.

still in the middle of an ocean. just floating around. i'm gonna have sleep for lunch and masturbate.


from S2

I’m used to it.

I’m used to people leaving.

I’m used to being all alone.

I’m used to having no one.

So just go, leave.

I’m used to it anyway.

Stupid me for believing otherwise.


from inquiry

Hey, you theoretical all.

Nothing too important. Just felt like barking at the sky again.

I could have even more easily barked into a file.

And I must say I've not found much compelling difference between the two.

And that makes sense, really, for who could possibly be interested in my thoughts and/or life?

It must the niggling hope of the width of a neutrino more chance of engagement here than in Fileland.


from Robby's Blog Thing

Moana – “We Know the Way”

So I've been thinking about it, and here's the thing: the scene in Moana when she gets the vision of her seafaring ancestors is one of the best musical scenes like ever.

It starts so suddenly, a shock of bright sunlit sea over the top of the dark, dead cave.

The first few verses of the song are in untranslated Samoan, allowing the audience to experience a measure of the confusion that Moana is feeling, and emphasizing that this vision is bringing her closer to her culture.

They're so far beyond the reef that no land is visible at all. Nothing could be closer to where Moana wants to be.

The English lyrics come in, emphasizing not only that they are voyagers, but they're PRACTICED voyagers. They know their shit – they're not just traveling, they're LIVING.

The revelation that there is a universe of populated islands out there – Moana's world has increased in size almost immeasurably.

“We tell the stories of our elders in a never-ending chain” – well, it ended. Moana isn't discovering a secret, she's discovering something that was HIDDEN FROM HER. Her father, who banned travel beyond the reef, has been lying, even ordering his own mother to keep it to herself.

The cut from the chief's son leaving the island to Moana's face, showing that sailing beyond the reef isn't just okay, isn't just her culture, it's her destiny.

The sudden end with the song cutting off and the brightness not fading but just blipping out of existence, like Moana has just been dunked in cold water. As quickly as the vision came to her it's gone, and she's in this sad world again.

Every “musical” that fails to establish character and DRIVE the narrative with their numbers could learn a lot from this.


from Y por qué no...

Muy harto y cansado de las manipulaciones “informativas”. Vengan de donde vengan.

No hay otra forma de describirlo y me he dado cuenta de que es uno de los motivos por los que últimamente cada vez entro menos en ciertas redes. Porque tanto si sigues a los medios, como si son otros usuarios los que comparten las noticias, es imposible entrar sin leer publicaciones, procedentes desde los medios más generalistas a los más alternativos, manipulando las noticias que dan.

Y el cansancio se acentúa cuando compruebo que la manipulación informativa, cuando la búsqueda del odio a través de distorsionar la realidad, se da en todos lados.

Uno puede estar más o menos acostumbrado (aunque siempre muy asqueado), y más últimamente, a las manipulaciones para generar el odio homófobo, machista, racista, xenófobo, etc., del que se alimenta el fascismo. Pero cuando te encuentras con medios “alternativos” que recurren a los “alternative facts” más propios de la administración Trump se te cae el alma a los pies.

Y eso es lo que me encuentro en la noticia del asesinato de Lyra McKee, una joven de 29 años asesinada por un disparo durante unas protestas en Irlanda del Norte.

Del asesinato se sabe que McKee, periodista y escritora, estaba cubriendo las protestas cuando recibió un impacto de bala y se desplomó mientras se encontraba cerca de un coche de policía. Y que fue un Land Rover de la policía quien la trasladó al hospital donde falleció.

También se sabe la versión policial que trata el asesinato como un acto terrorista e indica que una persona habría efectuado disparos contra los vehículos de la policía, alcanzando a Lyra McKee.

Pero, para los escépticos, también sabemos que la líder adjunta del Sinn Féin, Michelle O’Neill, declaró que es una vida perdida sin sentido, y que se encontraba triste y en shock por el asesinato a manos de esos que se hacen llamar disidentes.

I am shocked and saddened at the tragic news that a young woman has been shot dead by so-called dissidents in the Creggan estate tonight.

Y sabemos como la comunidad está mostrando el repudio ante ese asesinato y deseando que ojalá los culpables dieran la cara y vieran lo que han provocado.

I would love if those people who had fired those shots came over and saw what they did last night.

If they came over and saw that scene of a young woman and her family… This is their Good Friday, and we have to stand beside them on this terrible cross that has been visited on them by such an evil, evil act.

Eso es lo que sabemos y, por eso, cuando te encuentras con una noticia literalmente titulada “Tampoco hay paz en Irlanda del norte: la policía mata a tiros a una manifestante” primero piensas que debe tratarse de algo distinto. Pero resulta que no lo es.

Quienes me conocen y quienes me han leído saben de sobra que no soy sospechoso precisamente de callarme ante actuaciones policiales represivas pero, cuando leo esta noticia, no se trata de sacar la cara por la policía, sino simplemente de repudiar a quienes manipulan la información insultando a la víctima y a su familia.

Porque cuando entras en la noticia donde acusan a la policía de asesinar a una manifestante te encuentras que no saben ni quien era la asesinada, que ni tan siquiera la nombran y que no tienen ningún dato más y se basan simplemente en lo que todos los demás hemos podido leer también:

Que una periodista local, Leona O’Neill, había mostrado imágenes de los vehículos policiales llegando y había indicado que Lyra McKee se había desplomado cerca de uno de ellos...

Pero ahí tienes el titular, repetido después dentro del cuerpo de la noticia, “La policía mató a tiros a una joven manifestante”.

Noticia que después cierran con un grandilocuente “Pero la paz no es posible, ni en Colombia ni en Irlanda del norte, cuando una de las partes sigue actuando como siempre, es decir, violentamente. El Estado burgués no quiere la paz sino mantener el monopolio de la violencia”.

Por qué sí, porque a pesar de no saber nada más les interesaba ese titular sacado de donde les ha dado la gana.

Porque a pesar de que podían haberse informado sobre quién era la víctima en realidad era lo que menos les importaba.

Porque las críticas vertidas por la comunidad e incluso la líder del Sinn Féin contra los asesinos les traen sin cuidado.

Porque al final parece que siempre habrá quien, independientemente del color de sus ideas, escupa sobre los muertos si hace falta para sacar su titular.


Tras las críticas recibidas la publicación ha sido borrada.

#LyraMcKee #ManipulacionInformativa

Leer más...

from One Thousand Records 🎧

I listened to three albums today, some of them unreleased yet, all of them solid and worth a look.

The cover art was what drew me into this album, and I was surprised to learn how soft spoken the artist, Radical Face, is on this EP. It's a pretty good dream pop record that deviates quite a bit from his earlier work.

6/10 RIYL: Say Hi, The Postal Service, Bridal Party

Siskiyou is peak Canadian and comes highly recommended. Existential lyricism about despair and defeatism backed by excellent folk instrumentals. Favorite album of the day.

8/10 RIYL: Rural Alberta Advantage, Califone

Efrim Manuel Menuck, formerly a member of Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and Kevin Doria from Total Life join forces on their first album as their new band, SING SINCK, SING.

Excellent experimental electronic. Little too on the nose at points. If you liked Godspeed You!, You'll like this.

7/10 RIYL: Godspeed You! Black Emperor, This Will Destroy You.


from MC Anime

FMA Inspiring A New Age

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood explores the Elric brothers all over again in an adaptation closer to the manga. In the spring of 2009, the new FMA was a highly anticipated anime that connected the old fans with the new fanbase for a fresh ascetic of a greatly renounced show. Apparently, there so much of a following behind FMA that Funimation went in a different direction of streaming. It marked one of the first major series to be simulcasted in the anime community at the time. The significance of simulcast is essential because it paves the way for other shows to be broadcasted at the same time as in Japan. A new period in anime indirectly came from the idea of simulcast of transforming the industry in fans getting access on the same day on the particular episode. Simulcast influenced a new generation of anime which was the new age of the internet. The internet became a popular medium for the anime industry for it allowed easier access to anime outside from cable like the Funimation channel. Crunchyroll experimented with the idea of how anime could be accessed on an app or a website. Critics of Crunchyroll doubted the success of the idea and underestimated how much potential value could be made from anime on the internet. The reboot of FMA made Funimation stand out in the anime industry through a popular simulcast and gave it more backing behind the impact of same day broadcast. Brotherhood also stroked a cord in success by its opening episode being simulcasted as the first major series. According to SyFy Wire, Funimation had major success with not only FMA but One Piece as well in simulcasts. Read more of the article from Christopher Inoa on Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood's impact on the site below. Important note, FMA Brotherhood is not available on Funimation anymore but instead Netflix and Hulu.


from DEFCON 201

.::DEFCON 201 Meet Up — April 2019 — #Moonstruck::. =============================================================

Date: April 19th, Friday

Time: 7:00 PM — 10:00 PM

Location: Sub Culture (260 Newark Ave, Jersey City, NJ)

Meet-Up [CLEAR NET]:

Facebook: https://www.facebookcorewwwi.onion/events/601470103653466/


Hackaday [CLEAR NET]: =============================================================

Welcome to the April 2019 DEFCON 201 Meet Up!

This day, we plan to do something special and unexpected. On this day, the day of the full moon, we will detox from the digital ruckus — close our laptops, turn off the TV, and leave our phones at home (or in pocket) for a whole 24 hours. For one day, we free our inundated minds from digital distractions. Recalibrate your relationship to tech. It’s time to prepare for the imminent moon days by decluttering your mental environment.

#Moonstruck is the new day of reckoning in a distracted world.

No digital. No screens. All analog.

Welcome to the Real World.

Also, we are trying out a new venue! (Third Times the charm)

We welcome you to Sub Culture at 260 Newark Ave in Jersey City. Five blocks from the Grove Street Path station and right on the NJ Transit Bus Stop; enjoy Free-Wifi, affordable (meat and vegan) food, power strips, video games on Raspberry Pi and sweet times! More information at

If you like to do a talk at our meet ups our collaborate with our staff and members in a project partnership shoot us a email at:


.::AGENDA & SCHEDULE::. 7:00pm — 8:00pm Meet & Greet 8:00pm — 8:05pm #Moonstruck — Sidepocket 8:05pm — 8:25pm HAM Radio Talk — ARRL TBD 8:25pm — 8:50pm ‘Fone’s Broke? I’ll Just Call A Repair Man — Sidepocket 8:50pm — 9:00pm Introduction to Lockpicking — Sidepocket 9:00pm — 9:55pm Open Workshops + Projects 9:55pm — 10:00pm END OF OFFICIAL MEET UP


Practice Lockpicking & Locksport — Sidepocket & GI Jack


`Fone’s Broke? I’ll Just Call A Repairman :..>Phone Phreaking. Some people call it a fun past time from a bygone era. Others still view it as an illegal criminal activity. In this primer, you will learn the history of phone phreaking from someone who lived through par tof it, sharing both global stories and personal hacks and enjoy a live demo of Blue Boxing.

:.>Bios: A Co-Founder of DEFCON 201, an open group for hacker workshop projects in North East New Jersey, Sidepocket is constantly wanting to help people to get better at whatever they want to do and learn. He also has a history with NYC 2600, Radio Statler at Hackers on Planet Earth, Phone Losers of America, Museum of Urban Reclaim Spaces and The Yes Men. Find out more about DEFCON 201 at:

HAM Radio Talk :..>TBA


Practicing Lockpicking & Locksport :..>DEFCON 201 will have padlocks and professional practice tumblers provided by TOOOL to practice on. Fun and easy to learn for all ages and backgrounds with two expert instructors!



from okazis

Tio ĉi estas demando, kiun mi neniam ne demandis. Mi iam aŭdis, ke la homoj estas denaskaj rakontantoj. Mi ne aŭdacas nei la ideon, almenaŭ kiam estas aplikiĝata al la homoj ĝenerale.

Aliflanke, mi ne estas tial certa, ke al mi aplikiĝas. Mi ne komprenas aliajn homojn, do, kiel mi scipovus skribi aŭ rakonti pri ili? Ĉe elpensi ĝin, la rakonto ĉesas min interesi. Sed samtempe, mi ne scipovas vidi ĉian rakonton. Alivorte, mi enuas antaŭ me finas, sekve mi sentas la malbonon de ambaŭ situacioj.

Mi povus titoli tio ĉi afiŝo Ĉar ĉiu fojoj, ke mi pensas, ke mi ne havas nek celon nek kapablon, mi ŝanĝas la opinion. Sed post nelonge, la opinio reŝanĝas. Tiel daŭras la ciklo.

Kiel antaŭe, mi pensas, ke la plej grava afero estas la espero. Mi sole deziras, ke la espero estu pri konstanta kunulo.


from Temple Terrace Times

As of April 17, 2019, the speed limit on 56th street between Fowler Ave and Fletcher Ave has been lowered from 50 MPH to 40 MPH. Signs were posted two weeks prior to alert drivers to the change.

The speed limit decrease accompanies additional bus stops, sidewalks and pedestrian crossings.

56th street has seen numerous speed limit decreases following collisions between automobiles and pedestrians. This change follows a recent pedestrian collision on nearby Fowler Avenue and N. 30th Street that left one dead.

As reported by WTSP, Hillsborough deputies were present three days a week prior to the change to enforce the new speed limit.

The Hillsborough Metropolitan Planning Organization (MPO) most recent study on local traffic was concluded in 2017. At that time, the federal and state-mandated organization concluded that the county should implement bikes lanes with buffers, lowered speed limits and additional signage for pedestrians and cyclists in the Temple Terrace, Florida area. The study can be downloaded in its entirety on the website [Link to PDF].

Drivers should always practice caution while driving.

Reported by Andrew Crawford


from CJ Eller

What was it said about a good writer? She is also a good reader.

What is the analog for programmers?

Baked into the writer/reader relationship is both the practice (writer) and the other end of that practice (reader). With programming it would be using the software. Not so much a reader of software but an end user.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not programming more than I should. The practice becomes an all encompassing focus. If I don't practice programming, how will I ever break into the field?

But there is another side to this field. More than the applied application of application making. Using an application. Not just using an application but doing so thoughtfully. Remember, a good writer is not just a typical reader but a good one. So it goes that a good programmer is a good user of software.

So what does a good user of software look like? I don't know.

Perhaps in thinking about it more we can not only come to a better conclusion but become better programmers because of it.


from Positive Thoughts

This week I have a break from school. I felt I didn't do much because I had to work. Today I spent it working, doing hw, then reading a book to get out of my reality.

What made me depressed is that I'm not going where I want to be. I know I'm in school and I like what I'm learning. I also have other goals besides becoming a nurse. Some inspiration came to me and it got me thinking as to why I stopped writing. The demanding job and school is why. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life earlier to start working on my dreams.

I guess I started to this week. I signed myself up for a gym membership. There's a lot I want to do with my life but I feel my motivation draining from not having enough time to create anything. For anyone wondering when I can make time: I work at 8 am, have school until 10:30 pm, after studying and getting ready to sleep it's already 1 or 2 am. The soul sucking cycle repeats.

When things get hard I tell myself, “What's the fun in already having it?”


from ego echo

Hopsa, net thuis van een avondje Heemskerk met MANKES, u weet wel, die te gekke kunstband. Jezus, wat zijn ze goed. Echt, ik maak hier geen grapjes over.

Van Amsterdam naar Heemskerk, dat is nogal een gedoe als je geen auto hebt. Daarom zijn wij dan ook GreenWheelers, voor de optredens. Maar, deze keer konden we sinds lange tijd weer eens de Betondorpse leenauto gebruiken en dat voelde toch fijn als vanouds, die hele riedel die daarmee samenhangt. Op de fiets de papieren en sleutel halen, dan door naar de straat waar de auto woont en dan, vroem-vroem, de partner in crime en onze spullen ophalen. Op naar de gig (dat klinkt hip, vandaar).

Goed, zoals wel vaker, als je dan vlakbij de podiumbestemming bent, is er nog even leuk een omleiding. Volg Z. Nou, dat viel nog niet mee. Gelukkig waren we op tijd, dat wel. Opbouwen, spelen en weer klaar, naar huis. (Dat is de notendop, ik bespaar de details die zeer de moeite zijn, maar ik moet naar bed joh, hoogste tijd. Dus even kort, oké? Oké.) Autootje ook weer naar het baasje brengen, fietsje pakken en trappen maar, jochie.

Wat mij dan dus vooral opvalt (en dat is eigenlijk het enige wat ik had willen typen, maar zoals u ziet: mission failed – en wéér een 'tussen haakjes', zo irritant!) is het kabaal dat reigers maken, zo midden in de nacht. Man, man, man (M/V). Bizar hoor. En dat niet alleen, ik vind ze ook nog eens vet cool, zoals ze dan met hun hele fukjoe-houding kaarsrecht intimiderend op de daken en motorkappen van de geparkeerde auto's zitten en mij vooral negeren, maar stiekem toch heus wel in de smiezen hebben. Bij volle maan, ook dat nog. Nou, dan vind ik dat fietstochtje van leenautostraat naar huis toch best de moeite waard. Weet u dat ook weer.

#waanvandedag #muziek


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