read write.as

i'm stuck in the middle of an ocean and just don't know where to go. it sucks to be 24 years old and “have my whole life ahead of me”. i got money, time, and energy to do stuff, but just because i planned it and wanted it to happen, doesn't mean that it is going to happen. especially true if there's other people in the equation. people are fickle, unreliable, malleable beings. i've become like that myself.

i guess broken dreams spread like zombie virus. you get your hopes up, and then you go about infecting other people when your hopes turn into nothing. there isn't a cure for this. when you lose your soul you just walk like a dead person all through your life.

Photo by Oliver Sjöström from Pexels

i didn't realize that the decision to start a family of my own causes about the same amount of anxiety as being conflicted about whether to have a husband and kid/s to begin with. the “ttc waiting game” is a hell on its own. am i gonna get pregnant this month? just when you feel you've got pregnancy symptoms, your period comes. then you gotta wait a month for your next fertile window. and when it finally comes, you got a partner who won't have sex with you for shitty reasons. then you're not sure about your period again. am i gonna get pregnant this month? we didn't do it right so probably no. then you remember that he got two women “accidentally” pregnant before. now it feels like you've got a cursed uterus. life is being such a big bitch to you. it won't even let you become a parent.

it hurts. i didn't realize that trying to make a baby is going to be heartbreaking.

i fucking waited for my fertile window for nothing. somehow it feels like he doesn't fully want this. how can i be with someone who's not all the way with me? someone who “doesn't want to rush” things. someone who would i guess rather play all day than actually live like an adult.

maybe he's just not family or dad material. i should have known. and i have the evidence right in front of me. he's not involved with his kids' life and just wants to forget about them. that alone sort of breaks my heart.

my own father severed our ties a few days ago. he said he doesn't want to hear from me again, ever. i haven't felt him as a parent since my teenage years anyway. but now i feel like i have lost the father i never had.

it doesn't matter anymore, really. to hell with my daddy issues. i have a lot of other issues to handle. here's what i can recall off the top of my head:

• relationship insecurities
• body image issues / self-esteem
• my poor surfing abilities
• family problems
• my bipolar fucking disorder / mental health
• possible infertility
• my bisexuality
• income-earning / job satisfaction

i don't wanna think about all this anymore, really, kind of like i just wanna laugh on and think that my life is a big joke.

for now, at least i'm starting to care less about him. i'm starting to care less about everything in general. maybe peace is coming. maybe peace is simply not giving a fuck. and just letting everything happen...except i can't have a fetus in my womb just because i didn't care enough.

still in the middle of an ocean. just floating around. i'm gonna have sleep for lunch and masturbate.

I’m used to it.

I’m used to people leaving.

I’m used to being all alone.

I’m used to having no one.

So just go, leave.

I’m used to it anyway.

Stupid me for believing otherwise.

Hey, you theoretical all.

Nothing too important. Just felt like barking at the sky again.

I could have even more easily barked into a file.

And I must say I've not found much compelling difference between the two.

And that makes sense, really, for who could possibly be interested in my thoughts and/or life?

It must the niggling hope of the width of a neutrino more chance of engagement here than in Fileland.

Moana – “We Know the Way”

So I've been thinking about it, and here's the thing: the scene in Moana when she gets the vision of her seafaring ancestors is one of the best musical scenes like ever.

It starts so suddenly, a shock of bright sunlit sea over the top of the dark, dead cave.

The first few verses of the song are in untranslated Samoan, allowing the audience to experience a measure of the confusion that Moana is feeling, and emphasizing that this vision is bringing her closer to her culture.

They're so far beyond the reef that no land is visible at all. Nothing could be closer to where Moana wants to be.

The English lyrics come in, emphasizing not only that they are voyagers, but they're PRACTICED voyagers. They know their shit – they're not just traveling, they're LIVING.

The revelation that there is a universe of populated islands out there – Moana's world has increased in size almost immeasurably.

“We tell the stories of our elders in a never-ending chain” – well, it ended. Moana isn't discovering a secret, she's discovering something that was HIDDEN FROM HER. Her father, who banned travel beyond the reef, has been lying, even ordering his own mother to keep it to herself.

The cut from the chief's son leaving the island to Moana's face, showing that sailing beyond the reef isn't just okay, isn't just her culture, it's her destiny.

The sudden end with the song cutting off and the brightness not fading but just blipping out of existence, like Moana has just been dunked in cold water. As quickly as the vision came to her it's gone, and she's in this sad world again.

Every “musical” that fails to establish character and DRIVE the narrative with their numbers could learn a lot from this.

Playing with Blender 2.80 and a script I found on the interweb.

This new version is turning out to be a good one.

Check it out Blender 3D

I listened to three albums today, some of them unreleased yet, all of them solid and worth a look.

The cover art was what drew me into this album, and I was surprised to learn how soft spoken the artist, Radical Face, is on this EP. It's a pretty good dream pop record that deviates quite a bit from his earlier work.

6/10 RIYL: Say Hi, The Postal Service, Bridal Party

Siskiyou is peak Canadian and comes highly recommended. Existential lyricism about despair and defeatism backed by excellent folk instrumentals. Favorite album of the day.

8/10 RIYL: Rural Alberta Advantage, Califone

Efrim Manuel Menuck, formerly a member of Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and Kevin Doria from Total Life join forces on their first album as their new band, SING SINCK, SING.

Excellent experimental electronic. Little too on the nose at points. If you liked Godspeed You!, You'll like this.

7/10 RIYL: Godspeed You! Black Emperor, This Will Destroy You.

FMA Inspiring A New Age

Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood explores the Elric brothers all over again in an adaptation closer to the manga. In the spring of 2009, the new FMA was a highly anticipated anime that connected the old fans with the new fanbase for a fresh ascetic of a greatly renounced show. Apparently, there so much of a following behind FMA that Funimation went in a different direction of streaming. It marked one of the first major series to be simulcasted in the anime community at the time. The significance of simulcast is essential because it paves the way for other shows to be broadcasted at the same time as in Japan. A new period in anime indirectly came from the idea of simulcast of transforming the industry in fans getting access on the same day on the particular episode. Simulcast influenced a new generation of anime which was the new age of the internet. The internet became a popular medium for the anime industry for it allowed easier access to anime outside from cable like the Funimation channel. Crunchyroll experimented with the idea of how anime could be accessed on an app or a website. Critics of Crunchyroll doubted the success of the idea and underestimated how much potential value could be made from anime on the internet. The reboot of FMA made Funimation stand out in the anime industry through a popular simulcast and gave it more backing behind the impact of same day broadcast. Brotherhood also stroked a cord in success by its opening episode being simulcasted as the first major series. According to SyFy Wire, Funimation had major success with not only FMA but One Piece as well in simulcasts. Read more of the article from Christopher Inoa on Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood's impact on the site below. Important note, FMA Brotherhood is not available on Funimation anymore but instead Netflix and Hulu.

https://www.syfy.com/syfywire/how-fullmetal-alchemist-brotherhood-changed-anime-and-streaming-forever ​

CJ Eller wondered the following:

So what does a good user of software look like? I don't know.

Wild stab: Attitude more in accord with “DOTADIW” > oceans boiled.

Tio ĉi estas demando, kiun mi neniam ne demandis. Mi iam aŭdis, ke la homoj estas denaskaj rakontantoj. Mi ne aŭdacas nei la ideon, almenaŭ kiam estas aplikiĝata al la homoj ĝenerale.

Aliflanke, mi ne estas tial certa, ke al mi aplikiĝas. Mi ne komprenas aliajn homojn, do, kiel mi scipovus skribi aŭ rakonti pri ili? Ĉe elpensi ĝin, la rakonto ĉesas min interesi. Sed samtempe, mi ne scipovas vidi ĉian rakonton. Alivorte, mi enuas antaŭ me finas, sekve mi sentas la malbonon de ambaŭ situacioj.

Mi povus titoli tio ĉi afiŝo Ĉar ĉiu fojoj, ke mi pensas, ke mi ne havas nek celon nek kapablon, mi ŝanĝas la opinion. Sed post nelonge, la opinio reŝanĝas. Tiel daŭras la ciklo.

Kiel antaŭe, mi pensas, ke la plej grava afero estas la espero. Mi sole deziras, ke la espero estu pri konstanta kunulo.

As of April 17, 2019, the speed limit on 56th street between Fowler Ave and Fletcher Ave has been lowered from 50 MPH to 40 MPH. Signs were posted two weeks prior to alert drivers to the change.

The speed limit decrease accompanies additional bus stops, sidewalks and pedestrian crossings.

56th street has seen numerous speed limit decreases following collisions between automobiles and pedestrians. This change follows a recent pedestrian collision on nearby Fowler Avenue and N. 30th Street that left one dead.

As reported by WTSP, Hillsborough deputies were present three days a week prior to the change to enforce the new speed limit.

The Hillsborough Metropolitan Planning Organization (MPO) most recent study on local traffic was concluded in 2017. At that time, the federal and state-mandated organization concluded that the county should implement bikes lanes with buffers, lowered speed limits and additional signage for pedestrians and cyclists in the Temple Terrace, Florida area. The study can be downloaded in its entirety on the PlanHillsborough.org website [Link to PDF].

Drivers should always practice caution while driving.

Reported by Andrew Crawford

https://vimeo.com/331034117 Binney talks about #Wikileaks and today's Mueller report release. This took place yesterday. Also testing write.as embeds, not sure how or whether it will actually work.

What was it said about a good writer? She is also a good reader.

What is the analog for programmers?

Baked into the writer/reader relationship is both the practice (writer) and the other end of that practice (reader). With programming it would be using the software. Not so much a reader of software but an end user.

Sometimes I feel guilty about not programming more than I should. The practice becomes an all encompassing focus. If I don't practice programming, how will I ever break into the field?

But there is another side to this field. More than the applied application of application making. Using an application. Not just using an application but doing so thoughtfully. Remember, a good writer is not just a typical reader but a good one. So it goes that a good programmer is a good user of software.

So what does a good user of software look like? I don't know.

Perhaps in thinking about it more we can not only come to a better conclusion but become better programmers because of it.

This week I have a break from school. I felt I didn't do much because I had to work. Today I spent it working, doing hw, then reading a book to get out of my reality.

What made me depressed is that I'm not going where I want to be. I know I'm in school and I like what I'm learning. I also have other goals besides becoming a nurse. Some inspiration came to me and it got me thinking as to why I stopped writing. The demanding job and school is why. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life earlier to start working on my dreams.

I guess I started to this week. I signed myself up for a gym membership. There's a lot I want to do with my life but I feel my motivation draining from not having enough time to create anything. For anyone wondering when I can make time: I work at 8 am, have school until 10:30 pm, after studying and getting ready to sleep it's already 1 or 2 am. The soul sucking cycle repeats.

When things get hard I tell myself, “What's the fun in already having it?”