My first game comes from the WNBA, and has my Indiana Fever playing the Atlanta Dream. Start time for this game is scheduled for Noon CDT. Go Fever!

The second game for me to follow is a MLB game with my Texas Rangers playing the San Diego Padres. Opening pitch for this game is scheduled for 3:05 PM CDT. Go Rangers!

And the adventure continues.

I re-download the app to my phone. I open up Facebook. There's a default feed in front of me. I don't understand it.

There's a post from UNICEF Ireland. The white text on black background reads “This week, a 12-year-old girl in a tent in Gaza was shot...” and I'll spare you the rest of the quote.

I scroll down a post. There's a humorous post from some entity I am not familiar with. The Scottish Sun. It's a picture of a handsome young man surrounded by attractive young women. The caption in the picture reads “Boston braces for Tartan Army baby boom as smitten locals enjoy kilted flings”. An accompanying quote reads “It takes a real man to rock a kilt.” I giggle.

I scroll down. There are posts from entities that I do deliberately follow. Most of them are posts about posts from other entities. ...Which is literally what I'm doing right now. For what it's worth, I'm using my own words. I navigate over to some of their pages. A lot of it is screengrabs of posts with snarky commentary or “right on” commentary. There's little to no original content.

I click on “feeds”, I click on “friends”, and there's a feed in front of me of posts from friends, and the posts are in some order I don't understand. No context is given to me that helps me understand why I'm looking at what I am looking at, in the order that I'm looking at it. It isn't chronological. Some posts are higher up. Some are further down. Some are left out altogether.

Was some of it worth seeing or engaging with? Sure. Am I any more informed about what some of my friends are up to or thinking about? Also, sure. But why do I feel like such a sucker every time I log on there?

Deep down I know why. I ignore it.

In my subconscious somewhere, I recall the stat that only 8% of Facebook interactions are between friends these days. Sounds about right. I'd say about 8% of my time and interactions there are with friends myself. How did that happen? I got trained into disconnecting from my friends by a “social” network.

The bell rings. I salivate. I remind myself that everyone is susceptible to this stuff and it is not a good use of anyone's time. Facebook may not be the only offender these days, but you can quickly trace a direct line between everybody else's behavior and Facebook's.

I snap out of it after about fifteen minutes. Thankfully, before I can even get to “reels” this time.

I navigate over to the “memories” or “on this day” feed and see if there are any tasteless old posts that need deleting. I log out. I remove my login information from my device. I get back to living life.

Repeat tomorrow. Hopefully minus the fifteen soul sucking minutes.

-Ira

Many Roads—

Do flatter you Often turned- to brake and sea In fitting front For lights of men And quantum war United States For things above To reflect the air Assistant drive,- To derelict of fortune Seeming all for furniture The distance night,- and fights, Vancouver If this were day, in stopping war Of calling cinder The precipice of Maitland Sheering nights of city And calibrate, the nurture Of taught suggest- that fire new and clementine A mercy for the Vatican This early May and wonder The syntax, fear- to going men and be A Fox in fortune The ties for distance then And future free to know- the search for friends in fallow Made to land at Drury Cove The night’s new main above The hurried stars in brew And palms advanced to Water In tightness be to their Altered waking now And Earth be ranged with follow- to their place in sceptre The man across a city bridge Caught for Hist’ry war And hallowed change, a lock For favoured let and far Perdition’s chance in sight The lonely Cavalier at way In Kingdom sight and might The Jury of such wonder And in McAdam sure The ferry lights to Peter And woven breath to light- and friend Apocalypse renoun- and favour night to them The fortunes of a car and axle And History wrote a poem For human book and isle We seek in proper chance Unsolid but rewarned In thought to PEI The precious day For night and all in Sut And Heaven view to all it for The Navy has a way And great to sparrow Of Wintered guess and war And Gypsy, Maine might wonder The treed and rider high So rately few, all spin And shouts for crystal joy This certain peace in verity blight A witness to AI Who cared a few to mention The frost of light inject To make all dew and merry they The search for light at Hope In fresh advance A Hister And lightly new to men The Scotch and prison- across the sea To married guest at Winter Living thanks to night That very few alone- will thought to be as mine,- And Heaven in that well To keep but known astroll For early war and reason This night had courage time For prospect in them And buried all to cousin rain The Kew for then to show Our ballad silver and maroon To Beckham blue in sight And gifted war to summon In books bereave we sour With cages fair and blame From distance men we are A spectral course alone The mercy at- a giant wind For lightning stood to shore Our fits at land This plagerant at void And very car to know And as the sky ahead At distal Ron Who saved the island sea And words of love to then- a solid and a strike For grateful steady To reprise the dawn at night And Heaven bechance to follow- the tidings of a pond For verses new in breath To Dawson at its core And History best in Captain The rain and rod are clear For Sun and tide at one Anthropic terse to May- that was all view,- and made to West- as simple Island Sky For better Wolfe The shining best in suppose The very Spruce we saw,- to hidden in the low And tallest dark remember A painful, solemn past And fair unfew but present The day in this express.

Ottawa

And the day folding South Office for us to remain In living standard at par Giant shadows of unwar Liberations to beguile And Citizen Rome Deep from afar A naming country in verse Of flat camber and steer The rightful news in 3D Going home and then forward The nights of entail And wherewithal Daytime for the Watch we keep Innocent and long The till of ten thousand Seamless to go And hiding our rank as we are Fortune delivered This day will unpass and reune The fitful Earth Hiding our game to renew Setting Dusk A misery an hour but Holy In the Oblast of Peter Thirty times to our Constitution- its Heart and ever Behest and made anew To the people who spoke And Sunways to edict Nine or ten men And cue this war on the reveal Earth had its way to bespoke Lines of fair fathom and grace Minotaur by the wrecklands- and a way to appeal Justice to the Bread and high tide The venerations to God are beknown Icicles three and snowbank Roses beneath and are fit for resurrection A sympathy to four-leggeds The entrance to Peter of Heaven Yesterday claw- The pine-edged repeat of new tidings Fading low and I tempered Style of repeal to the greatest Extravagant win as we are And to the sea back and mend Nightly grace for assumption Authority of Her Our Queen of great nobelisk Redemptions to fold without then Days set unfree But beguiled for and lift The auteur and the spent of renew Things of re-love The license of intention adore And sitting to roster Days of our time for all ways- And the Captain bringing us to verse Water to thirst and to field Our mission of this Tightly being renew Delivered to far and intend Mercy is making our home Jets to the shore Bettered in freedom to wrest And confiding all new Necessity bars to begin The Knighted of Rome And Earth early by its rest A Victory few And called to propose The distance to fusion in peace Right and thenso Make and redeem on our own Our own path and way Citizen on time to be here A solemn and labour- distance to amend This is the seat of the government And in terms to the West that we are Earth made amends to our suffering Lights of November in haste And therefore our will Citizens know our name- and our day- And it is Canada The House re-une of our deep- In this place as yours Timely professed The tame of the land at its best A gold star for all saints and renew And peace ever shall be.

New York

Mind over fences And to you, Rough Water Rials and risks And Infirm Island The Kennedy at pay Distance war unprepared and unkempt License for closure Citizens chill Clouds of esteem and Europa Empathy and N-Marks Quartered for the war Likeness of esteem Brave for the call In Romania, they win Times shining until- We descend upon one Woman The Victory of a star And Stonehenge of night The real velocity of time An Groot and more than that Hister forgot- and delivered in Maccabees We were shown what we had And were given a week For portions blame Intelligent and few This the unrandom And only at key We wondered but we were told- and then we weren’t The right hand has the answer And the left hand collects Supposing the Sun Had become of her sacred Tiled and at war Ebola knows when And all that Winter to sue Inviolable to you,- the Sun were to be Handing out masks And Tylenol And pain Grey clouds of fever To know when we can Am I a live virus With a window view Made a day able To round up and axis The mercy of it all,- we know a great fear To Justice mount,- and to see what we are seeking for Wednesdays are for scanning Until then an infirm And the most of an individual To pay rent and to hydrate Flee and return Insight to when Apostles of war and redemption This Peace our remembrance A holiday for the New Year The remark, and The Lord Opprobrium and file Making the great fallow That some places when- do end in Babel And others, the Night Trust Between every number And they in grade two,- the World was it all And taking a number And a witness And the way Between our dismemory That we filled on our way out A place like no other And a place- Nearly gone Every day for the wishes That were collected on time Three cars in my path And not a lightning of rule In seething to October While we jettisoned our less Bemeaning to fear Without either afflict And thanking hard Philosophy and cardstock The place to reveal We were here all along And intend to go back.

13 June 2026

Read Paul Klee's Pedagogical Sketchbook (1953) based on his Bauhaus lectures for the first time today before getting to work and felt reinvigorated by it. Evergreen. Over time I’m planning to sit with each of its subdivisions (below, as organized by Sibyl Moholy-Nagy) in depth…

I: Line as point progression Line as planar definition Line as mathematical proportion Line as coordinator for the path of motion

II: Line as optical guide Line as optical reason Line as psychological balance

III: Line as energy projection

IV: Line as symbol of centrifugal and centripedal movement Line as symbol of will and infinity Line as symbol of color mutations and kinetic harmony

…but for today I’m noting the first principles he lays out because they’re helping me think through the spatial inquiry that’s starting to happen in my studio (the Delimitation Stacks). With the caveat that I’m trying to submerge these things after learning them as I make—their relationship to intuition feels very important to preserve.

Anyway, to begin with, I think the categorization of active, medial, and passive lines (with respect to their cause, impact, and effect) relates to what I’ve arrived at recently in thinking about the goal of an optical essence of a space as a stack (vertical for now) of independent elements, which can then be individually (and endlessly, though not aimlessly) augmented to arrive at new structures. Which, when done well, seem to point towards inner relationships. Which Klee traces to nature—how we can think of line as it relates to the rhythms, patterns, and forms of human anatomy, plans, and earth, water, and air.

And so I think what’s crucial to implementing his teachings is to internalize them to the point where I can take an “active line on a walk, moving freely, without goal,” yet still honor certain instincts of the eye as they relate to emotional honesty. The toggling of delimiters through active, medial, and passive lines can be a playful, exploratory exercise. Even the simple notion of finding a space between an active and passive plane feels like it could be generative for an entire painting—an active/passive gradient—or a single choice to move something stagnant into a more dynamic range.

JOURNAL

20 juin 2026

J'ai cinq minutes pendant que les poussins se préparent. Ka chan leur manque et à moi aussi. « mais quand elle va revenir ka sensei ? » Ils sont trop mignons. Elle prépare son examen de juillet, ka chan, et travaille beaucoup, c’est très dur le droit. C’est jour de pluie ici, malgré tout ma princesse est venue pour aider au dôjô. On n’est jamais trop nombreuses ici pour assurer la sécurité. Je dis pas que la sécurité sur les tatamis, mais aussi dans les vestiaires et les douches. Depuis que je suis ici j’y veille spécialement et les filles sont enfin tranquilles. C’est pas un pays pour les filles le Japon, on le rappellera jamais assez et ka chan et moi, on sait de quoi on parle.

• * *

Ce soir encore on dîne ensemble, toute l'équipe sauf les kendoka qui me font toujours la gueule. Ils sont trop cons ces deux-là genre machos ils supportent pas une femme sensei et en plus supervisant toutes les activités, pourtant je leur fous la paix, je ne leur refuse rien mais ça les fait chier de me demander à moi. Ils essaient encore de passer par mon frangin qui les envoie à moi, et ça les vexe encore plus. Alors ils préfèrent encore rien demander du tout. Je me demande s’ils en arriveront à payer le papier hygiénique eux-mêmes pour pas s'abaisser à me signaler que ça manque. Faut en tenir une belle couche. C’est tout à fait encore l'image du Japon. Une femme, c'est on lui donne des ordres, et rien d'autre.

Before the dates for my denomination’s camp meeting were ever announced, before calendars filled up and schedules collided, I had already made plans.

About six months ago, I booked a vacation.

Not because I wanted to get away.

Not because I needed a break.

But because, in many ways, it’s a Make-A-Wish trip for my son, Vinnie.

For ten years now, he’s battled bone cancer.

Ten years.

He’s getting skinnier, yet somehow keeping his weight. The doctors can explain it medically; I just know what my eyes see. And what I see is a young man fighting a war that never seems to end.

So every year I load up the family and point the car south toward the Gulf Coast.

Fourteen hours.

Fourteen long hours.

The Gulf of Mexico.

Orange Beach, Alabama.

Gulf Shores, Alabama.

Sunshine.

Salt air.

Rolling waves.

Pelicans gliding across the water like little prophets of peace.

And every single time we go, something happens.

Vinnie comes back stronger.

Kaylee comes back refreshed.

Leo and Sydney come back smiling.

I come back breathing easier.

We all do.

The drive down hurts.

The drive back hurts even more.

Because you’re leaving something behind.

You’re leaving serenity.

You’re leaving tranquility.

You’re leaving peace.

But the pain is worth the destination.

And that’s when I think about Jesus.

Jesus talked about counting the cost.

He spoke of a king sitting down with his advisors before going to war, calculating whether he had enough strength to face an advancing army.

Count the cost.

Calculate the price.

Know what’s required before you begin.

And then Jesus applied that principle to discipleship.

He said if you’re going to follow Me, you’d better know what you’re signing up for.

Because following Christ costs something.

Are we willing to surrender our plans?

Our dreams?

Our reputations?

Our comfort?

Our pride?

Would we give up our Isaac like Abraham?

Would we surrender our son if God asked?

Would we surrender our future?

Our job?

Our popularity?

Would we endure being mocked by the world?

It’s one thing not to be conformed to the world.

It’s another thing entirely when the world turns around and laughs at you because you belong to Jesus.

Count the cost.

The world says, “Live your truth.”

Jesus says, “Follow Me.”

The world says, “Do what feels right.”

Jesus says, “Take up your cross.”

The world says, “Your will be done.”

Jesus says, “Thy will be done.”

Truth over lies.

His way over our way.

His kingdom over our kingdom.

His life over our life.

Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done.

On earth.

In earth.

In me.

As it is in heaven.

And today, I’m not counting the cost.

I’ve already counted it.

I know what it takes to get to Orange Beach.

I know what it costs to get to the Gulf.

The gasoline.

The hotel.

The weariness.

The aching back.

The fourteen-hour drive.

I’ve counted that cost.

But I’ve also counted another cost.

The cost of heaven.

And here’s the good news:

I don’t have to pay it.

Because somebody already did.

The nails paid it.

The cross paid it.

The blood paid it.

Jesus paid it.

The price of my salvation was not silver or gold.

It was the precious blood of the Son of God.

And because He paid what I could never pay…

Because He purchased what I could never afford…

Because He conquered what I could never conquer…

I get to go.

Not because I’m good enough.

Not because I’m strong enough.

Not because I’m worthy enough.

I get to go because Jesus made a way.

And if you’ll trust Him…

If you’ll believe Him…

If you’ll surrender to Him…

You get to go too.

**************

Luke 14:25-28,30-35 NIV

Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: [26] “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. [27] And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. [28] “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? [30] saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ [31] “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? [32] If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. [33] In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. [34] “Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? [35] It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

Lydia's Weekly Lifestyle blog is for today's African girl, so no subject is taboo. My purpose is to share things that may interest today's African girl.

This week's contributors: Lydia, Pépé Pépinière, Titi. This week's subjects: The Corporate Girlie’s Guide to Lingerie-Inspired Fashion in Accra, Quality clothing? China, the other side of the coin, Anemia, and Au Grand Ecuyer

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The Corporate Girlie’s Guide to Lingerie-Inspired Fashion in Accra. Before HR starts sweating, let’s be clear: We’re talking lingerie-inspired fashion — chic, polished, and office-appropriate styling that whispers elegance instead of screaming bedroom playlist. The Golden Rule: Suggest, Don’t Shock: Corporate lingerie styling is all about subtlety. We are inspiring curiosity, not starting emergency office meetings. Keep it classy by: Layering strategically Avoiding overly sheer fabrics Choosing neutral tones for work settings Keeping hemlines and fits polished Because the goal is fashion editor energy, not “the office group chat discussing you before lunch.” Confidence Is the Real Outfit: The beauty of lingerie-inspired corporate fashion is the balance of strength and softness. It reminds us that power dressing doesn’t always have to be stiff blazers and black trousers every single day. Sometimes power dressing is: Silk instead of cotton Lace instead of plain basics Confidence instead of playing safe. And the Accra girlies? Oh, we know how to do both business and beauty effortlessly. Now excuse us while we strut into the office looking like the CEO of elegance. Quality clothing? What to look for? Look for signs of wear, if already the item has snags, premature peeling or bubbling on the fabric, likely caused by friction from people trying on the garment, it's probably not a quality purchase. Turn the item inside out. Does it look as good on the inside as it does on the outside? If so, it's a good indication you've got a decent quality garment. Look for quality hemming, button holes, buttons, are the button holes at the right place for the buttons? What about the zip, does it look quality? Does it run smoothly? Is it stitched in and invisible? While the piece is inverted, lightly tug at the seams that join the panels of fabric together. They shouldn't be loose or show any big gaps when you pull at them. Consider the material. It should make sense for the purpose of the garment. For example, if you're buying a sweater, choose one with a material that will keep you warm, like wool. If you're buying summer clothes, choose fabrics that will keep you cool, like linen. If you're buying swimwear or sportswear, you'll likely need a synthetic performance or technical fabric. Don't conflate durability with quality. If a garment falls apart in the wash, it's not necessarily a bad piece of clothing. Silk or clothing with beading and embroidery, may need handwashing. Read the labels. What material is it? Are there proper washing instructions?

China, the other side of the Chinese yuan coin (also called renmibi). China, superpower, super copier, factory of the world, making robots, electric cars and the iPhone. Right now they are building the longest bridge, the deepest tunnel, the highest building, what not. They have moved from the 3 years of hunger (1959-1961) when about 40 million people died of hunger (Ghana has about 36 million people) to a country that is now economically challenging the world order (where the USA claims to be on top). So a loud Ayeeko is not out of place. But? Europe has about 6 % unemployment, the USA 4.3 %. And the Chinese? Similar figures, except for young people, 16% cannot find a job. So they go for anything they can get, like delivery services for those who are busy with their job. And here is the interesting part. Those who have a job work so hard and so much that they don't have time to make friends. So if they want to have a nice dinner they hire a companion. Someone who does not have a job. Or to go to the cinema. Or to go hiking. It’s a big business, 200 million people, 14 % of the Chinese population is available for rent. To do shopping for you or to go shopping with so you don't have to feel lonely.

Anemia. The latest (2022) Ghana Demographic and Health Survey claims that 40 % of Ghanian women of reproductive age have anemia. And amongst pregnant women it is 50 %. Some regions have higher figures, like 70 %. What is it? Your blood mainly consists of red and white blood cells (and a host of other things), the red blood cells carry oxygen to where it is needed to get energy (organs, cells, muscles), we get oxygen by breathing. Anemia is insufficient red blood cells (RBC in your lab results). Anemia symptoms often include headache, dizziness, palpitations (the sudden, abnormal awareness of your own heartbeat), pallor (an unnatural paleness or loss of colour in the skin), tiredness and out of breath. And low birth weight children. How come? Assuming you are not “sick” (not suffering from illness such as malaria, sickle cell, or severe blood loss) you mainly get anemia by not eating sufficient iron rich food. What is iron rich food? Beans, beef, (chicken) liver, chickpeas, dark chocolate, eggs, lentils, oats, pumpkin seeds, sardines, spinach, tuna. Trick: add vitamin C to every meal, like bell pepper, tomato, orange or lemon for better iron absorption, avoid tea, coffee, milk, yogurt and cheese 2 hours before meals, they block iron absorption. And don’t overcook those green leaves.

Au Grand Ecuyer. Ring Road, opposite Fire Service Headquarters, Osu, Accra , popularly called the French restaurant, though they sell many local and African dishes as well, is one of my favourites. They sell a very good local tasty tender beef steak at 200 GHC, no need to import from Argentina or Australia, it comes with potato chips, mashed potatoes or green beans (you could choose others) and if you want with black pepper sauce. Popular is attiéké (also spelled adjèkè, acheke) with tilapia, you mostly will not be able to finish this huge fish and have to go for take away. Their shrimp avocado salad is also nice and fresh, they add tomato on request. There’s more, much more there, prices are a bit reasonable.

Lydia...

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11 June 2026

From last night's crit at the courthouse: foregrounded plane(s) sliding off of the background (up or down), kinetic overlay, the subject deadened then revisited then layered on top of the potent original (failed) state. Sharon brought up Calder, which seems like such a logical reference now but I admittedly need to spend more time with the work (and I will). She also made a nice point about the potential value of mixing richness built up over time with the immediacy and intentionality I'm drawn to. Which in the case of Sink relates to background and foreground, but can really be applied to any constituent element. Good fuel for moving forward.

9 June 2026

Stand (working title): something of a flattened and raised still life of the yellow mimosa flowers Yena got me a couple months ago in a vase on my nightstand. Been wanting to paint them for a while because I enjoy how they look like a small controlled explosion, but I couldn’t figure out the approach until today. Arrived at the simple idea of a volatile form rendered in a subdued palette—finding that negation of a defining characteristic often opens up possibilities, even if that negation is happening behind the scenes (perhaps especially). I suppose I must have been thinking of those Santa Maria Zobenigo marble reliefs I mentioned a couple days ago. As well as the Polaroid I took of the campfire Yena and I made in Winchester in the summer of 2024. And Duchamp's literally seminal Paysage Fautif (Wayward or Faulty Landscape) (1946) painting that I’ve had on my studio floor this week—came back from New York with one of the publications from the MoMA show. This all has to do with the surface as well, trying to find some way to divert attention from it by muting and smooshing it as much as possible while still retaining an active sense of motion and depth and change through it.

I said I’ll continue last time on A Week of Terrible Execution about the dream and the magical week i had. but i guess we will move it further as today was an absolute ridiclous day. Being unconscious in the hospital for what felt like a full week was enough to destroy whatever patience i had left. i decided to stop by work today to see how things were going, only to walk into an absolute mess that nearly made me turn around and leave immediately. After spending long enough questioning both the company and my life choices, i sat in the car for a while, wondering why i bothered. Naturally, i then bought a Red Bull despite every doctor and therapist I know treating caffeine like a personal attack against my recovery. At least it wasn’t alcohol, so lets keep the celebration modest. The rest of the day was spent mostly outside after an argument with my housemate. i was supposed to be resting at home, recovering like a sensible person. Instead, i spent the day making myself progressively more miserable. A talent i seem determined to perfect.

I was given very, very. clear instructions to rest and recover and avoid unnecessary stress. Instead, i went to work, got irritated, argued with my housemate, drank Red bull and spent half the day sitting in my car questioning my life choices. So , Yes. I am absolutely nailing the whole “ rest and recover, Ahmed” thing. No notes. ( Im being sarcastic ill eventually find a way to nail it the right way.)

Good night. dont get used to this tone, you pathetic reader. It’s not directed at you personally.

Sincerely, Ahmed

In Summary: * Now tuned into ESPN Chicago ahead of tonight's MLB Game between the the Chicago White Sox and the Detroit Tigers. I'll stay with this station as broadcast over the MLB Gameday Service for the radio call of the game.

Hopefully by tomorrow my eyesight will have returned to my normal and I'll be able to access the Internet as I usually do..

Prayers, etc.: * I have a daily prayer regimen I try to follow throughout the day from early morning, as soon as I roll out of bed, until head hits pillow at night.

Health Metrics: * bw= 235.90 lbs. * bp= 130/76 (68)

Exercise: * morning stretches, balance exercises, kegel pelvic floor exercises, half squats, calf raises, wall push-ups, BP breathing exercises, pilates

Diet: * 05:15 – 1 barbacoa breakfast taco * 06:10 – 1 ham & cheese sandwich * 15:00 – 3 crispy oatmeal cookies and milk * 15:45 – fried chicken, baked beans * 18:00 – 1 fresh orange

Activities, Chores, etc.: * 04:00 – listen to local news talk radio * 04:40 – bank accounts activity monitored. * 05:00 – read, write, pray, follow news reports from various sources, surf the socials, nap * 08:00 – work on computer printer * 10:00 – prep for Doctor's appointment * 12:00 to 15:00 – at Retina Doctor's appointment, traveling to and from. * 15:00 -home again, waiting for my eyesight to return to close to normal * 17:00 – tuned into ESPN Chicago ahead of tonight's MLB Game between the the Chicago White Sox and the Detroit Tigers. I'll stay with this station for the radio call of the game.

Chess: * 09:00 – moved in all pending CC games

In the Enneagram, the laws of One, Three, and Seven are fundamental. This means they are fulfilled everywhere below and within their worlds.

The Law of Three references the triadic nature of any one thing.

Points Three, Six, and Nine correspond to the three forces Active, Passive, and Reconciling, respectively.

As do Centers, Harmonics, and Hornevians, firstly as whole groups, then on a lower level both as their individual triad members within each of the three phases, as well as within each Enneagram type.

As with the Object Relations Frustration, Rejection, and Attachment.

The assembly of three forces of any one creation is an active process, relative to the passive integration & disintegration process, and to the reconciling process of wings. These correspond to the Law of Three, the Law of Seven, and the Law of One, respectively.

The three types (Three, Six, and Nine), the three phases (Centers, Harmonics, and Hornevians), and the three Object Relations (Frustration, Rejection, and Attachment) are also active, passive, and reconciling relative to each other.

Living in the universe of Three, Six, and Nine, these are our active forces, while the three phases are passive.

Which is active, which is passive, and which is reconciling globally may not yet be decided, and may be precisely what is being played out for our universe at a fundamental level.

In the triad matrix illustrated by the horisontal Three, Six, and Nine triad divisions, the vertical Center, Harmonic, and Hornevian triad divisions, and the diagonal Object Relations, the triads are arranged by their orders.

The orders of occurrence varies by perspective, as per the relativity of time.

Return to Perinthos is now available in both PDF and print. It contains over 80 “one-spread” dungeons that can be used together or standalone, unpublished Q&A with Jaquays, and a mini-setting by Luke Gearing:

Return to Perinthos is a megadungeon a la Caverns of Thracia. It is a U.S. letter-sized approximately 200-page wirebound book. You will be able to plop almost 80 dungeon tiles and keys right onto your gaming table.

The content for the book was created by the Jennell Jaquays Memorial Game Jam. As part of this community effort, Luke Gearing graciously agreed to write a setting that ties all of the disparate dungeon tiles together. The book also features an unpublished Q&A with Jennell Jaquays that was donated by Tavis Allison with permission from Goodman Games.

All proceeds from digital sales will be donated to Trans Lifeline.

One of the included dungeons is my Halls of Viridian Mist, a dungeon level for 4 to 6 Swords & Wizardry Complete characters levels 3 to 5. This challenging adventure features many tricks Jaquays used in her dungeons like non-linear loops, multiple elevations, interactive factions, and secret doors hidden behind other secret doors.

Digital copies are available at DriveThruRPG, while wirebound print copies are available from the publisher.

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It’s an ugly feeling that I don’t like, and I was already starting to journal in my head when I was driving home, and several different things came to mind. One of the things was that I just kept thinking to myself that I am an ugly person, not physically, but in the sense of this jealousy and envy. Later today I am hanging out with J and I, and both of them I would consider as close friends of mine that I hang out with frequently. I is a relatively newer friend and I’m honestly not that close with him yet, but J is. I have my therapy session today, and they knew that I was busy with that, and we have plans to hang out later, but apparently right now they are hanging out together.. I have to be careful with my mind and my thoughts because I automatically kind of want to feel like shit and remind myself of how excluded I am, but that’s likely not the case this is just childhood scars and attachment wounds in play. But I can’t lie it does kind of feel shitty to not be invited. And it hurts because I considered and I still do, J as one of my closest friends here. Who am I kidding, she is my closest friend here. And she connects with I pretty well it seems like they have their own friendship completely separate from me which is completely normal and I understand is healthy and natural, but it hurts me in these jealous ways. Like I think about how she doesn’t invite me over to just like I just be there and have her cook, and then I think about the places where I kind of feel a little bit of rejection from her. And I start to feel this ugly thing rear its head. And I know that I’m being irrational or I’m just kind of like replaying past patterns and this isn’t actually what’s happening, but I would be lying if I didn’t at least acknowledge the way that I’m feeling. I feel like I had a pretty nice long stretch of feeling like I am socially where I would like to be, but when something as benign as two of my friends being friends with each other in a way that doesn’t revolve around me happens, it’s enough for me to get in my head in this way. And even though it’s not true, I take this ambiguity to reinforce these painful thoughts of the possibility that I am liked by many, but no one’s number one. This feeling that I could disappear without consequence. It’s the same feeling I get after I host an event and everyone there has fun, but it’s almost like they have fun with other people and my value is as the one who facilitates it, and not much else. I turned on do not disturb just now because it has been like 10 minutes since I sent a message that was a little bit risky, in response to I saying that J is currently cooking and that he is over at her place. I wanted to fertilize that I would appreciate an invite even if they think I could not make it, and I said “mfw no invite 😔”. I feel kind of ashamed because it feels insecure to me, but I also don’t really know how to voice my asks properly. I guess I feel like whenever people invite me to things it’s like them saying that they actively want me there, and it’s not just because I am the one providing something. It’s like someone saying that they want my company, not just what I plan or invite them to. I am a little bit weary about venting in this way because I don’t want to confirm feelings that maybe are just transient, or things that I shouldn’t necessarily give weight to. But I also feel like maybe if I can say these things into words I can process these emotions. Thankfully I have my therapy session right after this. I remember at the end of obsession bear commits suicide in Nikki’s arms, and she desperately holds him and cries and begs for him to come back. And I remember how my brain automatically told me how no one feels that way about me. And I think that thought is an extreme instance of the underlying seed, which is the feeling that I could disappear easily. And I feel this way maybe because I grew up with this being drilled into me. I remember one year my parents forgot my birthday. I remember feeling hurt about how friends didn’t remember mine, I remember for Christmas one time a friend got everyone a present looked around and said is that everyone, went yup! And I was pretty much the only person without a present. I remember getting my best friend a present and she didn’t really get me anything, and when I said that made me sad, she went nuclear and completely ghosted me. I remember the one time I got to have a birthday party, I think I was 16, and that same friend that I had known since kindergarten started crying and everyone spent the rest of the night comforting her. And everyone kind of forgot about me at my own party. And I think about the time when I try to commit suicide and I got hospitalized and no one knew about it. Not even my family. It was several months later when my dad found out from the insurance bill. And I feel like this is not maybe what people deserve. But this was the hand that I was dealt. And unfortunately that is the mold that I have to break out of as an adult now. And it’s hard because there are so many different little sections of it that are completely hardened and rigid, and they won’t change until something presses against it like it does now. And so even though my life is such a nice one, and I had so many people envy me and I even think about how grateful I am for it, something this small happens and I’m reminded of the cage I grew up in. And it kills me to think about these hypotheticals that I don’t even think exist, those of people that check in on you, where it’s not an inconvenience or ask. Where people willingly tell you that you have a space in this world and in their minds and that they are happy that you exist. I feel like I’ve spent a lot of of my life going through it and learning that love is not really something that you get, it’s something that you earn. And it’s something that you kind of constantly have to pay for. And sometimes it feels like I just don’t have it now for it. And I get that I’m wrong in this, at least I really hope that I am. But it just feels shitty to think about how it exists out there, unconditional love or at least something near that. A love that exists when you aren’t at your best. And I feel like that is the most accurate way of putting how I feel, I know that I am loved when it is easy or when I am just that worth it. The problem is feel so much pressure to keep this up and the fact that sometimes it just doesn’t work. And I don’t even know what I would want differently here that is reasonable. Like all it is is two friends are hanging out together before we all hang out together. And I guess I would want to be invited or to just I just know that I’m not being replaced. And sometimes it just feels like I serve as a platform for other people, but at the end of the day they form connections and I just exist. Maybe I expect too much from friends. I think it is unreasonable and it’s not a healthy thing to expect to be invited every single time or to expect them to want to only hang out with me, and never just them together. I just feel excluded, and it feels like even though I am the friend that brings all these people together, and so I am the person that is at the forefront, at the end of the day that is not the person that they want to connect with. I really want the kind of love where I’m not afraid of it expiring or going away. One where is conditional on the core being that I am, not extra things like me putting in this much effort to connect. And the sad thing is I will still put in that effort, because I need connection. But it feels like I’m constantly job searching and preparing for interviews and going through that and I never have that security. And it just feels like I’m going to get cornered out of this friendship. And then where do I go? I have other friends and it’s not like I can’t deepen other friendships. And it’s not like that’s happening anyway. I just get terrified when the security that I value feels threatened. J is my best friend in person, and by far the person that I interact with most. And I felt secure that she is my best friend here, and vice versa. It’s that fear that priority goes away. And my access to someone I’m close with shrinks. I know that I want to start dating now, and I kind of am worried about codependency, because I think the thought of someone being completely reliable and completely there is addicting. And it feels safe. It feels like I can have something that I have been searching for and rest with that. And I’m tired feel like I have had to fight for so many things in this life that are kind of essential for a good life. And I wish that life was a little bit easier. I wish that connection was not something I have to work hard and face uncertainty with, and I wish that it was just a basic human right. I wish that I grew up with abundant love. I wish that I modeled the world in a way that I default to feeling connected to people when I need support, rather than isolation. And I worry so much about over depending on people or asking for too much, and I feel like it’s almost a self fulfilling prophecy because the more I don’t ask for help the more builds up until it becomes a monumental ask. And it feels unfair because I know that the world has been exceptionally kind to me, there have been so many places where I have been so incredibly privileged and unfortunate. And I sometimes can’t even comprehend how I would go through life if I didn’t have some of the blessings that I do. I think about how I struggle already, and how if I added it on some large problems that a lot of people have to face like financial insecurity, or things that the basic needs that all humans have, for stability, safety shelter food, etc. I don’t have to face those things really, and I still struggle enough to sometimes just want to have a way out of it. And I think about how they kind universe should not feel this way. And I know that this is strongly because of the mental conditions that I have that make everything seem worse than they are. And fundamentally if the scoring is wrong it’s pretty damn hard to win the game. But I feel like I would see more sunsets and smile more if life was a bit more kind. And it took me a while to say that sentence because I don’t know if that’s true. Maybe a lot of this because I have a scarcity Puff it. I know how meaningful and rare these happy moments can be. And we could fit whenever I get them I want to hang onto them as much as possible and savor them, or at least I try to. And I guess this only happens because of depression. Without it I would not have to understand the value of it and the scarcity that comes. And I guess for that I am grateful. And at least circling back to the original point, I do think that they are not excluding me, or anything like that. It’s not like I am losing friends. I’m just incredibly sensitive to this sort of feedback and I take a lot of this with a very negative lens to protect myself. But that does not make it any more true than it is.