Se entri in una casa abitata e dichiari di averla “scoperta”, di solito ti denunciano. Se lo fai con tre navi, armi, croci e una benedizione ufficiale, qualche secolo dopo ti dedicano una piazza, una statua e magari una festa nazionale. È il prodigio della storia raccontata dai vincitori, quella in cui il furto diventa esplorazione, l’invasione impresa, il saccheggio civiltà. Basta cambiare nome alle cose e aggiungere un po’ di retorica. Il 12 ottobre 1492 non si scoprì un continente. Si inaugurò una delle più grandi operazioni di rapina organizzata della storia, con tanto di benedizione divina e timbro imperiale. Rubare terre, ridurre in schiavitù, massacrare popolazioni e cancellarne le culture sembrava più decoroso se fatto in nome di Dio, del progresso e della civiltà. Una rapina, purché accompagnata da una croce, diventa una missione. Cinque secoli dopo, il sistema funziona ancora. Sono cambiate le navi, non la direzione delle ricchezze, le materie prime partono, i profitti pure. Restano la povertà, le foreste devastate, le comunità espropriate e l’abitudine di chiamare “sviluppo” tutto ciò che arricchisce qualcun altro. Meno armature, più contratti, meno cannoni, più multinazionali. La stessa vecchia fame. E c’è ancora chi festeggia. Magari qualche latinoamericano che grida “Viva España”, dimenticando che la propria storia è stata scritta anche con il sangue dei suoi antenati. Il colonialismo ha ottenuto persino il capolavoro di convincere i discendenti dei saccheggiati ad applaudire i saccheggiatori. Il 12 ottobre non è una festa. È il Giorno della Resistenza Indigena, la memoria di popoli che qualcuno avrebbe voluto cancellare e che invece continuano a esistere, lottare e rivendicare il proprio futuro. Perché il vero miracolo non è che Colombo sia arrivato. È che, nonostante tutto, loro siano ancora lì.

Greetings and SNAIL-utations blog friends!

Cute Snail and I wanted to get on here, say “Shello” and share a smile again and let you know that the following fall themed postcards are now available for download from our Payhip store! Links are below. Each card is 100% FREE, comes as a US letter sized PDF print sheet, and can be used or gifted as a single card or two separate cards depending on your gifting needs. Cards can also be printed on any weight of paper, but 60 pound cover stock makes a nice keepsake worthy greeting card. FREE fall themed coloring pages and a fall coloring book are also available as well. Enjoy!

Cute Snail and I are off to make a warm cuppa coffee, enjoy a little lunch and watch more video adventures. Yesterday we visited Chimney Rock, NC. Here’s the link to the video if you'd like to visit too. It’ll take about 45 minutes to watch —— > https://youtu.be/BSQbS74LXs0?si=uhw_ZFa-ILVp7bMM

BACK TO SCHOOL POSTCARDS

• Cute Snail Skateboards To School First Day Good Luck Wishes Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Apple-y Sweet Learning Adventures SNAIL-TASTIC School Year Coloring Postcard

FALL & FALL HOLIDAY POSTCARDS

• Cute Snail Sending Fall Smiles Favorite Bud Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Bright Day Fall Wishes Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Mail Delivery Time Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Fall Heart Tree Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail On a Mushroom Fall Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Apple-y Sweet Smiles Fall Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Fall Comfort Food Mac n Cheese Please Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Happy SNAIL-oween Wishes Coloring Postcard
• Cute Snail Happy Thanksgiving Coloring Postcard

Last week I spent four days (October 8–11) playing old-school Dungeons & Dragons at Cauldron, “an OSR Euro Con.” Once again, organisers did an absolutely stellar job.

I know they call it a con, but that label does not fully do them justice. This is more like a really large club of hundred people, who have gathered to play in a rather intimate atmosphere. The food is home cooked, labour is volunteer-based, we all tend to the venue, we sleep together, and we game together.

In this post I share a bit more about my experience. See this post for reports on games I either played or hosted; and this post for how I prepared.

Arrival

Don't change a winning strategy. Or something like that. I took a night bus to Frankfurt, slept most of the way, arrived in the morning, had a walk, and then boarded a train to Marburg. Shuttle picked me up there and took me to Hofraithe Rosenthal.

I arrived too early to check in to the room, so I went for a walk around the village, returned to have some cake, and contemplated about games to follow. By the time check-in was open, roughly two thirds of participants had arrived. As last year, the first thing I did was make my bed, so I can crash into it after midnight.

Thursday

Since Thursday was also the arrival day, there were only two games, with the first being so called “Temple of Doom Sidekick” block. Regular blocks are four hours, night blocks are, in theory, unlimited, and this one was just three hours.

The first game I played was hosted by EOTB. The table was packed with talented players, pregenerated characters were distributed, and we went to work. EOTB ran a tight game, with quick answers and no-nonsense approach. I loved it. The map was exciting, with verticality, secret doors and passageways, and just enough things to interact with and get into trouble. I expected no less, since he did mention he would use a map from the Twisting Stair zine. As we ran out of time, I asked other players to take their characters outside of the current chamber so I can just grab the treasure, screw traps. Maybe I wasn't clear enough, but most stayed inside. We got the treasure, I triggered all the traps, three characters had died. Great success.

Lunch was lovely. I did my best to avoid snacks and sodas, since I had a game to run. It was great to see so many friends and acquaintances, as well as to meet people whom I had been chatting with over the years via discord and forums.

I hosted my game in the night slot. I like those the most since they are open ended. I was assigned the same room as last time, Linde, but this time they limited it to two games instead of four. Same chunky tables as last time, same immovable pillars. I rearranged the tables to form a large square, with me taking the side by the wall. This left three sides for eleven people to sit relatively comfortably, and up to eight more in the second row.

The module I ran was Halls of Viridian Mist, a megadungeon level I had written for the Jennell Jaquays Memorial Game Jam, published in the Return to Perinthos. Ten players joined, and it was an adrenaline rush from the beginning to the end. I am continuously amazed with how players adapt and adjust to the unfolding situation. In this case within few turns everything goes tits up, and rest of the session is a mad dash for survival. One character is lost to the ghouls, one sacrifices himself so others can flee, and one retires after the adventure, having lost both of their hands.

I don't remember how long it took us, but I think we were done by midnight. I took a walk around the dining hall where Chainmail battles were raging. My good friend Dreadlord was playing, playing to win! Joking aside, it was fascinating to watch, witness Settembrini ruling, and see Sarisa in action.

Friday

Nothing like a good morning game hosted by yours truly! I ran Abattoir of The Impotent Idolater, a location from our Conquering the Barbarian Altanis campaign, now also published in the Beneath the Black Pyramid con zine. We ran the game in the dining room, which was this year used as a game room as well. Last year I had to use it for one of my sessions that attracted 17 people.

That also meant we had to wait until breakfast was over, and that we had to finish a bit before the time, so the room can be prepared for lunch. That was no problem. Eleven players joined, got the main, hook and begun planning. This site depends on the time of day. Once they told me they approach at day, I rolled to determine where are the key monsters. Horrible abomination was determined to be hunting outside, to return in three hours (18 turns).

Players decided not to enter the cave, but fall back, make camp, and observe. I handed them the battle map and asked them to position the horses, their characters, so on and so forth. I gave them a timer of ten minutes—when time runs out is is what it is.

I cannot stress how important the timers are to maintain the pace. Most relevant ideas will surface within first few minutes, everything after that is just spinning the wheels. The timer's main purpose is to allow space for those good ideas to bubble up, and for everyone, or most of the players, to articulate and internalise them.

Of course, the monster returns by trampling the camp, killing men-at-arms, two player characters, and causing mess in general. Players adjust their goal to seeking revenge instead of looking for what they were paid to find.

When I design sites, especially natural ones like caverns and similar, I love playing with elevations and light. They go deep into the cave, constantly down (they have dwarves so I give them lengths, angles, everything). But they never attempt to look beyond their own light. Another thing I often play with are rooms that are mostly empty, and depend on a wandering monster. In this case, the harpies were one of the factions, which are mostly not present because they wander around. But, if they are, then they have a special place or tactic.

Either way, the players pursued the monster, slain it, and then were charmed by the harpies. Well, technically, not charmed yet, but beckoned to come to them, so they can claw and charm them. Just four character make their save, but I leave it up to the beckoned players to control how they attempt to approach their most desired targets.

I have said it before, and I will say it again—player skill at Cauldron is very, very high. The amount of intelligent malicious compliance was just insane. For example, Tamás had their hobbit attempt to gift their sentient sword to the harpy. This is perfectly aligned with the in-game logic—the harpies desire wealth, treasure, and adoration—and adventurer gives his most treasured belonging. But the player knows that grabing sentient swords causes damage to creatures of different alignment. His character is lawful. The harpy is not.

The players work their way out of it, recover the object they were hired to find, and then nearly lose it as another pack of harpies sings to them. Now another player with a sentient sword pulls off a stunning manoeuvre by asking his sword to teleport it right next to the harpy. Teleporation is an insanely dangerous spell, but here, within sight, it was all but guaranteed to work.

We finished on time for lunch, with most of the characters alive.

After having some hearty food, I played in an awesome game hosted by Gabor Lux. He ran three consecutive sessions of the Palace of the Eternal Autocrat, with each group exploring a portion of the complex. We were the second group, with one character from the first group joining us. He brought a map with him. It was useless.

Photo by Gabor Lux.

To clarify, not because of him, but because we decided to step through the above ground teleporter so we get into real action. I already mentioned the player skill. What I want to add is that players at Cauldron are quite proactive as well. They establish their own goals, they pursue them aggressively, and they are not afraid to take risks.

This game was no different in that regards. Gabor's adventuring locations are always a blast to play, and he is such a fun fellow himself. This was an enjoyable romp with an unexpected ending. Ignatius Umlaut, editor of the Fight On! zine, decided to gate us all into none other than Attronarch's Barbarian Altanis! A dozen adventures, loaded with treasure, and a burning desire to live.

Next up was suckling pig and sauerkraut for dinner, followed by a high level adventure by Ignatius himself. This was a continuation of an adventure that he ran for the Hungarians years ago. Apparently, one of the player characters had betrayed them, stolen some artefact, and then teleported away. Now he was rumoured to be a lich.

There was eleven of us, and Ignatius ran a very entertaining game. Night dragons, dark trolls, dinosaurs, it had it fucking all. I recognised the area from the legendary Darkness Beneath megadungeon, but luckily I did not remember the specifics. I was thoroughly impressed with how Ignatius managed all the moving parts, especially since we were in essence doing an underworld wilderness adventure.

During the day a word reached me that Jan, one of the players in our ongoing Wilderlands campaign, is actively lobbying people to stage an assault on the Wizard-King Racoba. He also approached me to check if that is OK, worried for what I had prepared for the session. As usual, I told him, and everyone whom had asked, to decide as they wish. I shall be ready.

Saturday

This was the day. At night slot I would run the Conquering the Barbarian Altanis session in the night slot. Last year I had seventeen people, over the span of six or seven hours. But this year everyone was talking about it. I was unsure how many people would join. Either way, I was committed to run for whatever number of people does show up.

But first I had some games to play in! Keith Sloan ran an awesome game. He had this relaxed style which lulls you in, and then he blasts the whole party with fire trap, slaps you with eight ghouls, and throws you down the pit.

What I especially appreciated it how he crafted the adventuring location. He told us it is a gnoll temple. We are playing AD&D 1e. Gnolls are described as lazy, as using slaves, as worshipping a deity which is also worshipped by ghouls, so on and so forth. By paying attention to cues, based on the knowledge of not just the rules but also the implied setting, we were able to make informed guesses on what to do next. More often than not, our assumptions had proven to be correct. That felt immensely rewarding! Keith gifted us an elegant dice for winning at D&D.

Next game I joined was by Ignatius Umlaut again. In retrospect, I realise I had mostly prioritised Americans—EOTB, Ignatius, and Keith—since they might not attend every year. Ignatius ran another high-level game, and I brought my character from the previous night. We fought and defeated Satan's minions, and won D&D for the second time that day. No really, it was a crazy adventure, go read the report.

Dinner and auction followed. I skipped the latter, opting to go for a walk, drink some tea, and mentally prepare for what is to follow.

Photo by James Knight.

Since our big game was in the dining hall, we had to wait for the for the organisers to complete all the transactions. I already had a whole set-up on my mind, given experience last year, and an experiment I suggested to Ignatius earlier in the day. Players jumped in and helped me arrange everything.

We had 13 tables in total, which was still not enough to have everyone sit by the table. So we had a second row of sitting too. I think we took around 3/5 of the dining hall. Twenty three people sat down to play. Some people later told me they gave up because the game filled up really fast during the sign up. I would have welcomed them!

Photo by James Knight.

Despite size of the set-up, one side was just for me. Not to power trip, but because that way I keep everyone within eyesight, and everyone can see and hear me best. I went around table handing out pregenerated characters, taking down names, and admin detail I need to ran a game at a furious pace.

Once we had that I divided the players into four teams, and asked them to nominate the caller. Table layout works its magic, and we had four teams of nearly identical sizes (6-5-6-6). Two teams gave me a name, while two teams gave me a colour. I guess I need to work on my pronunciation.

With teams and callers in place we were ready to begin! I presented the in-game information, where most of the adventurers currently are (Ironburg), and what intelligence about adventuring sites they have (Castle Yukanthur, Midnight Goddess Hills, Spire of the Divine Grape, The Black Monastery, Tomb of Ochandra the Earthshaker). Then it was up to the teams to discuss which of the options (or alternative) they would like to pursue.

To clarify, I ran this as a usual session of our open-ended sandbox campaign. There would be no teleporting back and forth. Anything is on the table, as long as the majority commits to it. All the options I offered were from the game, and I did my best to present them neutrally. Regular players that joined were free to share information as they see fit.

First round ends up with a draw between the tomb and monastery. Second round ends up with a draw again, but different teams. Some call for a roll. As I throw the dice, one time changes their vote to the monastery.

In less than thirty minutes, twenty three people agreed on where to go, what to do, and with which characters.

From Judging perspective, the Black Monastery was by far the worst out of the available options. Super-complex map with mapper that loves angles, eighty pages of two column 8 pt. font of dense paragraphs, with bad editing and crucial information hidden in all the wrong places (e.g. a four paragraph description of a bedroom, with third to last sentence being that here is an 10HD shadow waiting to ambush those entering; thanks).

I prepared the map on a separate page; this is a challenge for players not me. Keys I printed two pages on a single landscape page, to have four columns at glance. In general, I knew I had time to look them up whenever players ask for discussion time.

I am repeating myself with the player skill, but they did all the right things initially: scout the environment, use magic to fly over and take a look inside the monastery. They hesitated a bit to enter it proper, but once they were in, we started rolling.

Photo by Alex.

It was mostly cautious exploration, with me tormenting the team mappers with my descriptions, sizes, angles, points of reference and similar. A single fire elemental scared off the whole company, and they fled into a tight secret space, triggered a trap, and wiped out half of the characters.

Luckily, I had prepared seventy characters for the con, but now I was running dangerously low. That meant that clerics and hobbits began entering the game en masse. Exploration continued with brisk pace, with me giving specific timings, switching between asking callers and asking everyone what their characters are doing.

This switching is an important attention-resetting technique, because it was already midnight, and a third day of intense gaming. Mind wants to play, but body wants to sleep. So to keep it playing we need to give it something to do.

One thing I noticed was that the attendance was different compared to the last year. Then we had people coming and going as they became too tired, or they lost a character. This time 2/3 of the players had played until the very end!

The pace, and complexity, exploded once Titan of the Black Monastery came to life. It began wrecking the monastery and players. Two things I wish to point out here. OD&D (lbbs) worked brilliantly once more. Since its charts top at 10+ HD, this 20 HD titan still had 25% chance of missing heavily armoured characters. Second, Toby, the youngest player at the table, played with absolute balls of steel, leading the charge on the titan.

“What do you do?” I ask him.

“Charge the titan!” he answers without any hesitation whatsoever.

His character proceeds then to actually deliver the killing blow as well, which causes a spontaneous applause around the table. This raw, genuine, kind energy is absolutely awesome, and part of the Cauldron magic.

Judging-wise, from then on, I basically had to track four different parties. Since characters were all over the place, callers could not help. But players congregated physically, and we were able to rapidly resolve the combat rounds, even when close to two hundred zombies joined the fray.

Photo by Alex.

In this type of game players set their own goals. After their first wipeout, they found the safest place they could, organised around it, worked on questions for the commune spell, asked about the closest treasure hoard, and then just went for it. Once they had it, they went out.

We finished around 02:30 in the morning. Alas, I forgot to take a picture of those who stood until the very end. What I can say, without a trace of doubt, is that every single player contributed, and that every character mattered.

And, of course, I greatly appreciate them opening a portal to the Black Monastery, right next to Ironburg, at the border of the kingdom.

Special call outs go to Toby for his courage; Mike and Jan for enduring and surviving their second Wilderlands big group marathon; to Prince for controlling four (!) characters that others have given him after retreating to bed; and to Dreadlord for opening a portal to the Black Monastery, right next to Ironburg, at the border of the kingdom.

After the game I was too excited to go to sleep, but had to force myself to get to bed around 04:00. I still had one more game to run.

Sunday

Morning was all about awards and celebrations—the best Judge, best players, best tournament team, so on and so forth. It is a great way to wrap up by expressing gratitude to each other.

Since it was the last day, I wanted to run something a bit more light-hearted. Back to Linde, two-table square, eleven players, and Darkness Beneath megadungeon! I gave players the map, last remaining characters (only human clerics, hobbit fighting-men, and elf magic-users), and we went to town with it. They played so well, and we had fun messing with gods and fire balls. Frankly, they were more likely to kill themselves than anything else in the caves.

I don't know how many litres of tea I had drunk, but my throat was still functional enough to speak and say farewells to everyone.

A brief look at the pregenerated characters. 59 (~85%) out of 70 were taken, and 37 (~60%) survived. Not bad. Fighting-men and magic-users were exhausted first, followed by dwarves, elves, and hobbits. Clerics were almost exclusively taken as a second character after the first one die, and in the Sunday game because they were the last human option.

Summation

There is nothing else like Cauldron. If you are want to experience old-school Dungeons & Dragons, with people who love and play the game, then this is the con to visit. Everyone is supportive, open, and inclusive. Awesome people, awesome games.

Next Cauldron will be from October 14th to 17th 2027.

See you there?

Cauldron 2026 posts

All posts for the Cauldron 2026 convention:

• Preparing for the Cauldron 2026
• Cauldron 2026 Game Reports
• Cauldron 2026 Reflections

#Convention #Cauldron #OSR #FightOn

Few days ago I returned from the Cauldron, “an OSR Euro Con,” a four day celebration of old-school Dungeons & Dragons.

Below are the reports from all the games I played in and run:

• Thursday Block I Temple of Doom Sidekick: EOTB's Convention Dungeon
• Thursday Block II: Halls of Viridian Mist
• Friday Block I: Abattoir of The Impotent Idolater
• Friday Block II: Palace of the Eternal Autocrat
• Friday Night Block: Sunken Redoubt of the Serpentine Lich
• Saturday Block I: Temple of the Gnoll God
• Saturday Block II: Return to the Storm Giant's Castle
• Saturday Night Block: Conquering the Barbarian Altanis
• Sunday Block I: Darkness Beneath Megadungeon

These reports are strictly focused on what happened in each game. Some are written from the perspective of characters I played so should be treated with scepticism. I share my reflection on the con here, and my preparations here.

Thursday games

Thursday Block I Temple of Doom Sidekick: EOTB's Convention Dungeon

Game	EOTB's Convention Dungeon
System	AD&D 1e
Judge	EOTB
Player Characters	9

In the first game of the con I ran a well oiled, barely dressed Kalinikos of Athena, a double axe wielding swashbuckler armoured with nothing but bracers of defense and cloak of protection. Adventuring party numbered nine in total, with three straight fighters, one ranger, one assassin, one cleric, one magic-user, one fighter-thief, and one fighter-magic-user. Humans dominated and we had but a single dwarf and an elf.

We begun our adventure with a descent down a long shaft leading into a third level of a sprawling complex. Several statues of warrior women greeted us. Those with nimble fingers explored them, finding little of interest. It did not take us long to find action, or rather for action to find us.

Upon penetrating the sanctity shadows befell us; as did the newly animated statues. They had proven to be most impotent in our presence, and Kalinikos crushed three of them. Our cleric made the shadows flee, weeping and wailing. They left a sticky, dark residue on the doors they fled through. One of us caressed it, and was promptly drained of their strength.

Moving on we encountered a despoiled and beheaded corpse suspended in the air. If it was suposed to be a warning sign or deterrent to discourage us from moving on, then it failed miserably for we touched it, read the plaque hanging around its neck stump, poked it, and ultimately, moved on.

This led us to an irregular chamber. Our superior senses and wicked wonder meant that we managed to ambush the ambushers whom had tried to jump us from beyond the secret doors. We had slain these pathetic mongrel-men in seconds.

Their chamber was completely bereft of anything. This arouse suspicion, for surely they couldn't have just been here all the time. We failed to find secret doors, but speculated there must be something here, perhaps a ceiling trapdoor.

We returned to the main chamber, found a penetrated skull that wanted to scream. Turned out it was head of the beheaded cleric. Moving about we discovered another ceiling trapdoor, went up, surprised more mongrel-men and exterminated them with haste. We kept one alive, but its limited communication ability meant it was of limited use to us. We learned they serve the shadow masters, there is an altar nearby, and yes, there is some treasure.

At this moment we were confident we have ascended into a separate complex, perhaps a small cult area. Thus, we roamed the chambers, removing all threats. One of the rooms had bedrolls and blankets; the floor trapdoor led into the secret chamber we had previously explored.

An octagonal room with a summoning circle and charred walls was just the place we sought. A long corridor, with alcoves every ten feet, joined it. At the end stood a grotesque altar, with statue so foul we knew there must be something there.

Given their infravision, the dwarf and elf could see bars of heat cutting horizontally across the pathway. Our hobbit drank the potion of climbing, crawled up and above the heat bars, and then dropped down. He learned that the statue is trapped, that there is a secret compartment, and that something black is leaking from its eyes. As statue rose to its unlife, he spidered back to us, and we left the chamber to regroup and prepare for this demon.

I chugged the potion of speed, while one of kind souls cast protection from evil. Then we opened the doors, hacked the demon to pieces, and drove its summoned shadows away. Seeing that the treasure was now unprotected, and that I was still lightning fast I called out to others:

“Leave the chamber! I will grab the treasure at once!”

Alas, others merely repositioned themselves within the area, instead of leaving the octagonal chamber and long corridor. I sprinted to the end of the corridor, breaking all three beams. The first one triggered a loud alarm. The second made me weak like a newborn calf. Third one did nothing.

I quickly poured acid on the trap rune, smearing it. Then I pulled the compartment open. Inside were a robe dotted with countless stars, and six magnificent, silvery tubes. As I turned to inform the colleagues of this great find, fireball exploded from within the summoning circle, kill three adventurers, and wounding the rest.

“Why didn't you step outside!” I cried out, whilst recovering treasure. We picked our dead, valuables, and left for the surface. Great success.

Thursday Block II: Halls of Viridian Mist

Game	Halls of Viridian Mist
System	OD&D
Judge	Attronarch
Player Characters	11

A party of eleven adventurers tumbled down a gigantic pit trap. They tumbled and rolled, until the landed into a foul pit full of refuse. Green chocking mist burned their eyes and obscured their vision.

In order, they were: Carmea of Tiberon, a human vicar; Cig Akgahnte, a human hero; Dacyniel, an elf hero theurgist; Ira Thorncreek, a hobbit hero; Jaki Wittyleg, a dwarf hero; Lefno Gaithh, a human theurgist; Menar Chigun, a human theurgist; Nacyn, an elf hero theurgist; Trasir Wisestorm, a dwarf hero; Ulla Valmasniz, a dwarf hero; and Zarah the Wicked, a human theurgist.

Rancid mist made everyone gag, and thus with some quick thinking everyone fashioned face covers of cloth. Their eyes were teary; torches and lanterns penetrated barely fifteen feet ahead. Quick-witted Nacyn suggested a marching order where everyone holds onto a rope. That way, even if they cannot see each other, at least then can hold onto the same object.

Milling about, they were confident that the pit was roughly rectangular, natural cavern, some forty by forty feet. Refuse poured downwards, in the south-east direction. A heart-rending, finger-curling, blood-freezing scream cut through the fog. Cig, Ira, Zarah, Trasir, Ulla, and Lefno felt courage and talent leave them in equal measure.

As if that wasn't enough, three ghouls jumped them from above, landing amongst them. Desperate melee ensued, with adventurers screaming in equal measure as the living dead. Zarah succumbed to horrible ghoulish paralysis, right after slaying one. Trasir and Nacyn each disposed of one ghoul as well.

Motivated to move quickly, the party asked Nacyn to take the lead—she was at the front of the rope. Thus, she slid down the foul refuse, then turned left. She could barely see the tunnels ahead, so she chose the one closest to her left. This one led them up, towards the screaming.

In the commotion, paralysed Zarah was left behind in the refuse pit. Unable to move, unable the see; but able to feel, able to think, and able to weep. She felt every claw, every bite, every second the ghouls had feasted on her flesh.

Nacyn followed the right cave wall, but led the adventurers into a dead end! More ghouls ravaged the back rank, but were quickly driven back. Dacyniel, elf who was at the end of the rope now found himself at the front.

“Right, right, follow the right wall!”

Indeed, they tapped the right cave wall, reached another split, and then took the right turn, climbing up. This led them to a portcullis. An attempt to discuss was cut short by intermittent screaming and fleshy footsteps echoing through the cave. Jaki Wittyleg drank the potion of giant strength. Then he held up the grates while others came through.

Stair leading up to their immediate left were enough to make them abandon the “right-hand” strategy. The dwarf tore straight through the doors, then placed them back as the elf cast hold portal on them.

They were now in a proper, hewn chamber. Flagstones were covered with gold pieces strewn all about. Viridian mist was ever present, making exploration rather difficult. By all accounts, the chamber was forty feet long and thirty feet wide. Three wells were lined along the east wall.

These wells perplexed the adventurers to no end. The water was fresh and potable. Whatever they dropped into it vanished at the same depth, at all three wells. They tied a small sack of coins and lowered it. It vanished. They pulled it back up. It was still the same sack, soaked and filled with their coins. Finally, Jaki and Menar dared take a dive. Both were surprised to emerge on the other side, their heads pointing up. They went down and were back up. And then down and back up again!

The whole party agree this is the way forward, so they all took a dive in the same well, emerging into the chamber on the other side. This one was much larger, and of angular geometry that cannot be described. It spanned nearly 6 000 square feet, most of it cloaked with the fog. It too had three wells—one in the south, one in the south-west, and one in the north-west. Doors were to the east, north-east, and north. The last ones were chosen.

Jaki the Doorbasher did his duty once more. Before them was a hundred foot long corridor, of slope noticeable only to the dwarves. The dead end had been seen through as merely a mockery for the inexperienced. Elves quickly found not one, but two secret doors. One leading further north, and one leading east.

Doorbasher took care of the sliding doors. They led to chamber unmolested by the mist. This twenty by twenty room was quite spartan, but comfortable, with a framed bed, and a large desk with attached drawers. Rummaging through the latter revealed 1 000 gold pieces, and a scroll with magic missile, wall of iron, control weather, and lower water. Lefno claimed the scroll.

Jaki proceeded to completely break the secret sliding doors leading north. The corridor split left and forward. Jaki went for the left doors, pulled on them, and a scythe severed both of his hands. The dwarf cried out in pain as others dragged him backwards. They cauterised his stumps, and used cure light wounds to stop the profuse bleeding. Cig and Ira made fun of him.

Six ravenous ghouls charged the adventurers from behind. This time the party was ready, and thus dispatched them within minutes. Doorbasher, tears streaming down his rosy cheeks, was unwilling to abandon hope. Thus, he soldiered on.

Adventurers moved further north, entering an octagonal chamber dominated with a blood stained stone platform attached to chains leading into the ceiling. A massive iron ring was drilled into each corner. A spoked wheel was in the centre of west wall. It feel out when adventurers tried to interact with it. While the dwarves investigated it, Dacyniel levitated upwards and Ira climbed one of the chains. Up and up they went, until they decided to descend sans they fall and die.

“This is the way out, for sure!”

Alas, dwarves had sad news to report—gears that the wheel was connected to were damaged. They could fix them if they had the right tools and materials...

The party continued exploring the corridors. They found another doors, Jaki kicked them and jumped back in time before another scythe took his leg. Dead end.

Portcullis blocked the advance into the cave system. They made a circle—the corridors looped around the octagonal chamber. As they discussed what to do, three minotaurs had charged them. A brutal skirmish broke out, with adventurers squeezed from both the front and the rear.

But they did not give in, and they did not give up. They fought back, tooth and claw. Nacyn leaped upwards, and decapitated one of the horned beasts. Trasir bust the kneecaps of another, while others chopped it to pieces. Cig gutted the last one as Jaki punted it up in the air. Then he Chopped its horns off, and offered them to Jaki as “new and improved hands.”

Adventurers had a choice to make, namely which way now? West-most corridor they said. What a great choice, for the elves had soon detected a secret chamber with an assortment of gears. Dwarves picked up several they thought would fit best.

Whilst dwarves worked on repairing the platform, others watched guard. But this was a horrible spot, with four different ways to approach it. They could hear the ghouls moving around, obscured by the mist.

Nearly two hours later, the dwarves reported they fixed the problem. Exhausted and bloodied, everyone rushed to the platform. Alas, a new problem had appeared. Who will operate the wheel?

“I have levitate. I can get you up, and then fly after you!”

Lefno volunteered. He cast the wall of iron to block off the northern approach, sealing them off. Then they cast invisibility on him. The wheel was heavy to operate, but the theurgist managed it. The platform slowly rose upwards, with a loud clang.

Lefno turned the wheel. And turned the wheel. And turned the wheel. He turned as he heard the wall of iron retract, having now completely smashed through the portcullis. He turned it as he heard the grunts, the retches, and the howls of the dead come closers and closer. He turned as he heard the footsteps all around him. He turned until his friends were safe; he turned until he felt them right behind him; he turned until he could turn no more.

Lefno. Illustrated by Darnok.

Friday games

Friday Block I: Abattoir of The Impotent Idolater

Game	Abattoir of The Impotent Idolater
System	OD&D
Judge	Attronarch
Player Characters	13

Eleven adventurers had been hired by the loyalists of the Broken Empire to recover the famed regalia of Legio IX. In order, they are: Aegiliel, an elf hero theurgist; Astrid Hunnisdottir, a dwarf hero; Cig Akgahnte, a human hero; Fenna Redbulk, a dwarf hero; Gromonicus, a human hero; Ira Thorncreek, a hobbit hero; Karelia Tolfind, a dwarf hero; Larana Lightstep, a human hero; Mezeth the Uncanny, a human theurgist; Uta Almonger, a human hero; and Vida Pilter, a human vicar.

The party followed the trail into deep in the woods, leading to a cave mouth ninety feet wide and sixty feet tall. Beyond it a large cave stretched further north and south. Broken branches, trampled bushes and leaves, and large, elephantine tracks suggest high traffic.

Adventuring party decided to back off and establish camp several hundred yards away from the cave. They ordered their men-at-arms to find suitable branches to sharpen for the palisades. At the same time they tended to their animals, staking them in the centre of the camp. At the third hour, horrible screams pierced the air. The voices are well known, for they are of their own men.

Battle positions are taken, facing north-west. The ground shakes, the trees scream as they are shattered under the bulk of oncoming monstrosity. It comes at the adventurers, flailing, cackling, and charging. Large, elephant-like body covered with warts, boils, and scabs. Seven deformed horse heads atop long tubular necks, adorned with yellowed square teeth, greasy, lanky long hair, and eyes of pure madness.

Gromonicus the Brave acknowledges no such horrors, as attested by him counter-charging the abomination. He was promptly trampled, but lived. The horror continued its mad charge, reaching Aegiliel. The elf dodges and parried three of the seven heads. Alas, other four bit into him—one into the left shoulder, one onto the collarbone from the right, one bit into the right leg, and one the left foot. The heads pulled all in different directions, ripping the elf apart and showering the survivors with gore and guts.

One of the theurgists cast phantasmal force and created a swarm of mice. The abomination cared not. Mezet cast sleep, and slept Uta, Vida, Gromonicus, Cig, and himself. Others closed in, bravely fighting the monster. Slashing it made them recoil with disgust, as pus and blood oozed from the horror. Gromonicus, now asleep, was put to permanent sleep when it accidentally stomped on his head.

Warhorses were calm as ever, for this was just another day for them. One of the light horses was spooked, but calmed by his master. In the brutal skirmish the abomination lost two of its heads, and fled into the cave. Aynora the Jovial, a human vicar, and Parnasselis, a human vicar, had just arrived, chasing the beast on their warhorses. Alas, the horses refused to enter the cave,

Adventurers slapped the sleeping awake, left the dead to sleep, and rushed towards the cave. They cared little for the standard of Scrituin The Pacifier of Seven Tribes. This was now about vengeance.

They entered the cave, following the trail of blood and suppuration. Into the large cave, and down the one hundred and twenty feet long tunnel; into a humongous cave broken by large columns, making it a labyrinthine experience. The trail continue straight east, but adventurers followed the south cave wall instead, slowing down to a crawl. They are heroes; experienced in the art of war, and thus, they seek tactical advantage.

A horde of giant rats do not surprise them—scrawny, hairy, bottom-feeders fight each other to lick and slurps the trail left behind by the abomination. Laran, thinking on her feet, mixes belladonna with fresh rations, and then chucks them at the critters. They gorge in darkness, as the adventurers continue their pursuit.

The trail leads them down another long tunnel slopping downwards. Astrid, Fenna, and Karelia were well aware of how deep they went, now fifty feet underground.

Weird gargling and choking sounds echoed through the cave. Stumps of broken stalagmites, and crushed bones littered the floor. Heavy stench of cat-piss and avian faeces dominated the air. Moving forth, the abomination came into light. It was sitting down, on all four legs, its dead heads submerged into the fresh-water pond surrounded by decorative stones all around. Remaining heads wept foul tears.

Adventurers cared not for its tears. They charged the monster, and hacked it to pieces. The battle was savage, but no lossess were suffered amongst the brave.

And then song, an angelic choir broke out. Everyone but Cig, Mezet, Karelia, and Fenna were enchanted by it. Wishing to see what wondrous being sings so beautifully, adventurers rose their torches and lanterns.

South cave wall was in fact a twenty foot tall ledge. Three harpies perched there, singing. Mezet cast sleep, putting two of them, and himself down. Parnasselis cast light so he could see them better, having now devoted himself entirely. This revealed that the cave extends further up, with even more harpies hiding in the natural alcoves.

Astrid led a construction effort, making stairways to heaven from iron spikes. Others joined. Cig pretended to be charmed. Fenna was having none of it, and was shooting her crossbow at the single awake harpy that was still here.

Parnasselis now cast speak with animals, and addressed the harpies, wondering how he could serve them best.

“Kill the ugly one! Kill them! Give us the crown! Save us, save us, our knight on the white horse!” cried two harpies hiding at the top. The awake one screeched back at them, but was shot by Fenna.

From now on, it was total madness. Astrid climbed up, grabbed the closest sleeping harpy, and began caressing her beak. Ira stripped naked, took his shield, and then paddled across the pond, climbed up the cave wall, then back down to fetch treasure for the beautiful sleeping angel.

Vida and Aynora bothered the catatonic giant hairy man whom they found in the harpy nest. He was nearly seven feet tall, broad shouldered and wide legged. Dark hairs covered him, sans the shoulders which were covered with moss. His chest was wide open, clawed and gnawed.

“Wake up! Wake up to meet our lord and saviour, the harpies!” Aynora shook the man. Vida healed him, twice, for he was still breathing, despite massive wounds. Ira returns to the sleeping harpy with his magical sword and tries to give it to her. Thus, he wakes her up. Cig executes the harpy caressed by Astrid; the dwarf scalps the harpy and puts it on her head.

“Now I am as pretty as her...” she mutters.

Parnasselis strikes the harpy next to Ira, and commands his staff to coil around her. Ira tries to set her free by attacking the giant snake. Large cave man snaps out of coma, begins grunting and moaning, and immediately grabs Vida with an iron grip. Aynora tries to help and nearly kills Vida in the process.

Cig beheads the constrained harpy. Astrid continues her transformation by severing the harpy's beak and tying it on. In the meantime, two smaller harpies from the above have descended and engaged the only awake one. The bigger harpy had immediately slain one of the smaller one, but then got entangled with the other. Fenna missed most of her shots, as did Karelia. Parnasselis cried out to be noticed. He ran off the edge, and performed front flip backwards, landing into the pond. No attention was given.

Vida smashes the caveman back into the coma, while those uncharmed finally bring the final harpy down. Now back to their senses, the adventurers spend good time searching the nest, rowing through avian refuse, and remains of their victims. An hour or so later, and all they find are three gems, a scroll with read languages, and a map to magical treasure. Three large harpies were adorned with jewellery—bracelets, tiaras, necklaces, rings—worth nearly twenty thousand gold pieces. Most of that was now on Astrid.

They descended and advanced further north, having remembered their original mission. Adventurers soon reached a junction splitting four ways. Vile stench of rot, pus, and body odour emanated forth from the cave to their left. Thousands of coins were strewn all over the cave floor, covered with greasy, thin, strings of dark hair and shredded scabs. Cig braved the horrible conditions and moved in. He soon spotted an intact standard—gold eagle with spread out wings atop twenty foot long redwood pole—in the west-most alcove. He recovered it.

Mezet took the standard, and cast invisibility on himself. It was large and heavy, so he had to use both hands to carry it. Having decided they have enough treasure, as well as the item they came for, the party begun their retreat.

A horde of giant rats were feasting on the abomination's corpse. Some of them looked groggy and ill. Adventurers helped by throwing some rations with belladonna, as before. Then they backtracked west, up the first long tunnel, and accross the large cave.

And then song, an angelic choir broke out. Cig, Astrid, Karelia, and Fenna resisted the call of doom. Others failed. Ira stripped naked once more. Many attempted to climb the columns, which had now been revealed to be twenty to thirty feet tall.

“Don't climb... Just follow...” the harpies sung.

Pissed off Fenna shot the closer one down. Cig attempted to intimidate them by flaunting his cloak made of severed harpies wings. It did not work.

“Teleport me to her. I want to hugh her. Teleport me right next to her.” Larana instructed her sentient sword.

“Uh, Larana, are you sure?” the sword asked back.

“Yes, yes I am.”

“KKRREEEEEEEEE–” the harpy screeched as Larana appeared right next to her and hugged her hard. The floated down, near the cave floor. Soon both Vida and Uta threw themselves there are well, all intent on hugging their desire.

Ira climbed up the column atop which a wounded harpy laid. Then she picked her up, and jumped down, trying to save her. The harpy died, while the hobbit merely suffered some injuries. Aynora cried as she poured a potion of healing down the harpy's throat.

Mezet the Invisible, took out his wand of fear, and blasted everyone piled up on his harpy. Larana, Vida, Fenna, Karelia, and Cig fled the caves at once. Astrid decided she had enough of this malarkey, picked up the standard, and left the cave as well.

Harpy fled, and Ira chased it deeper, into darkness. Parnasselis, Uta, Aynora, and Mezet managed to get out.

Survivors mounted their horses, and left for civilisation to collect their well earned bounty.

Friday Block II: Palace of the Eternal Autocrat

Game	Palace of the Eternal Autocrat
System	Seven Voyages of Zylarthen
Judge	Gabor Lux
Player Characters	11

There was a time when I was known as Armon Targ.

A time so distant, and so murky I am not sure if it was a fever dream or reality. Last I remember is an adventure with eleven other men. Pardero, a terran fighting man. Talion, an imperial fighting man. Ugg, and Oog Booga, two cavemen. Zothar, Birakor, and Rashid, all teran magic-users. Valgard, a northman thief. Anthony, an imperial thief. Icarium, a terran thief. And one more, a hoplite servant.

We set out for some island, upon which a ruined palace of forgotten tyrant rested. Wealth. Magic. Power. Adventure. Death. All part of my life back then. I remember us disembarking. We crawled the compound, defiling the giant stone head with stern face. Must have been the tyrant himself. It spoke cryptic non-sense, as those in power usually do.

An impenetrable violet building with onion top dominated the estate. It had six glass eyes. We were unable to penetrate its double bronze doors, no matter how much we tried. Then we found a burly looking one-eyed man tending to scrawny chickens. He was cursed, or something. I do not remember.

I zoned out and followed others. From time to time I commanded my sword, “Scout,” to detect evil or gold. I miss it. It served me well back in the day. We entered some sort of magical swirl and were teleported deep underground.

Disturbing the Autocrat's gardens.

We traversed the corridors with great speed, until we found a staircase leading further down. I remember we refused to take them at the time, opting to explore foul chambers filled with refuse, both organic and inorganic. We were assaulted by nine shambling, bloated, yellow zombies. They were no threat.

This brought us back to the stairs, and its bearded guardian. We fed it gold coins, rations, and bones. I was foolish, and was soon paralysed and sucked in by a transparent mass of acidic goo. My allies saved me. Sometimes I think of them. I do not miss them.

At the bottom was a sizeable chamber with walls of shimmering gold. Twelve mosaic figures holding a candle light were upon them. Seven of them detected as evil, while the rest were good. We moved on, finding several stairs leading up. Then we found some chambers with foodstufs, water, and spices. Around this time I was able to move again.

We opened, I do not remember how but suspect one of our thieves, an iron door with a peeping hole. Before us, far ahead, was a congregation of people dressed in fantastic togas! To this day I do not know who they were, and why there were so deep underground. At that time we believed them to be evil, and in need of extermination.

I led the charge. It was a foolish mistake. We killed few of them in the initial surprise. But we underestimated how many of them there was. I was soon surrounded by their guards and servants, fighting for my life. Their pathetic warriors meant nothing. But then they brought the philosophers. That damn philosophers.

One of them had blown my left leg off. I lamented the loss of that leg for years. If only I knew I would loose much more in the future. But I digress. The situation was dire. My ears were buzzing. Strange men pounded on me, but I somehow parried. Then I asked the Scout to detect if these men were evil.

“No.”

“What do you mean no?!”

I offered that this was merely a misunderstanding, and that we should part ways. The offered to part me with my life instead. Filled with hatred, I quaffed my potion of speed, intent on rapidly crawling towards the philosopher who wounded me, and hacking him to death.

At this moment the entire hall filled with rapidly growing crystalls! This freaked out flamboyant toga men, and they allowed us to leave at once. We fled like curs. I was certain I would die, there and then. But one of the magic-users performed a miracle. He operated me for an hour. The leg was gone, there was nothing to do about that. Now I hobbled on an ill fitted wooden peg. It hurt like hell, but I was alive.

From then on my recollection is even murkier. I remember me hobbling behind others, speaking with my sword and fighting with bow. We explored some cave filled with garbage. A god of beggars roamed there. We fled.

Around that time we discovered a series of chambers where tyrant left another statue of his. It was all fake, just like himself. Nearby we encountered some vile creatures with skeletal arms and bloated bodies. They gazed in my eyes, but I spat in their direction and hobbled back. It is there we found a bowl full of treasure suspended high in the air. Must have been the lair of those two horrors we had dispatched.

Loaded with treasure we sought exit. We took one of the stairs leading up. Then we made all the wrong turns. Or right, depending on how you think about it. There were yellowed, bloated zombies which melted our flesh. Oog Booga fell down a pit trap, landing into the trash lair. I shot at everything that moved. We prevailed. Then we roamed the endless corridors, more desperate with each step.

One of the magic-users, I forget which, in a moment of desperate inspiration, opened a gate towards another dimension. We stepped through without much thought. Surely, wherever he took us would be better than here, in the tomb of this insane tyrant.

There was a time when I was known as Armon Targ.

That was before. When I was a nobody.

But now?

Everybody knows my name in the Barbarian Altanis.

Friday Night Block: Sunken Redoubt of the Serpentine Lich

Game	Sunken Redoubt of the Serpentine Lich
System	AD&D 1e
Judge	Ignatius Umlaut
Player Characters	11

I played Brother Warby Parker, a lawful good human patriarch with above average wisdom and dexterity. But his truly outstanding feature was exceptional charisma. His vainness was equally exceptional.

“We must slay Tenochli!” Gork of the Flame Lizard, a flame lizard mounted on a giant lizard, hissed. The target was a lizard druid, whom had betrayed them some time ago. They suspected him to be a lich now.

Having spent months in the Underwilds of the Darkness Beneath, I came to accept such characters as everyday occurrence. Many weird souls pass through the Cliff City of Thousand Spears. Either way, the burning lizard and his retinue could surely use my help. And I could use their night dragon to get out. All this darkness has been unhealthy to my tan.

Prior to setting out, I divined what awaits us. We were to go into some sort of fungal forest, dominated with fungal creatures. In my visions I saw fungits, floating spherical fungi with spore eyes on the tentacles; fungents, thirty feet tall walking fungi; mantis men; giant moths flying about; ancient technology; weird bushy people with mystic power; a giant slimefall; and a clearing in the fungi. The latter two felt sinister and dangerous.

We mounted the night dragon, whom then took us from the cliff rim to underwilds, a thirty mile journey crossed in a bat of an eye. We had seen obelisk shrines, triceratops munching on grass, dark trolls roaming about, marauding demihuman gangs, and more. After we landed, the dragon left us with a whistle to summon it when we want to get back home.

How it started.

Our half-elf ranger scouted ahead of us. This allowed us to hide from a dark troll gang, raptor-like dinosaurs, and a pack of wild board. We eventually reached a thick fungi forest, or rather, a jungle, with tall canopies as tall as fifty feet. The dwarf thief climbed the planar shelf-fungus and surveyed the cavern. He reported fungiwalks connecting the canopies. All of us quickly ascended.

As we marched, I quickly bonded with Dave the Demonologist, who seemed like the only serious person. My judgement has once again proven to be correct, as the man was truly a force to be reckoned with. Thus, in my infinite wisdom, I knew that my divine duty was to protect him at all costs.

Slimy brackish water, covered with rotting vegetation, criss-crossed the forest. We spotted a clearing circled by giant toadstools glowing with indigo light. Since these did not match those I had divined, we approached.

“Do you want to be a friend or foe?” little voices asked.

“Friend!” Gork grunted.

Turned out this was a circle of some small faeries whom were terrorised by giant spiders of abominable intelligence. They begged us to help them, with little to offer but their circle—which was enchanted against non-intelligent monsters—and tears. Being lawful and good, we had accepted. That, and we had a faerie knight among us as well. They provided us two of their own to lead the way.

Some hundred and fifty yards of the forest was completely webbed. Dave summoned a fire elemental. Then he sent it to sauté the fungi and giant spiders. Roaring flames and hissing sounds filled the air. It all went quiet after ten minutes. We went in. Four burnt husks, two twitching ones, and three intact spiders. The battle was quickly over. Magic-users blasted them with magic missiles, our warriors crushed them with their magical weapons, and I sent my spiritual hammer to bang them.

We kept one alive to interrogate it. There was little to learn from it, except that there is a necromancer with zombie army south-east from here. I thought we'd let it live but someone blasted it to pieces. Then we recovered treasure from past victims. Faeries threw us a feast, gifted us necklaces of crystallised tears, and complimented my looks repeatedly. We slept well. Magic-users studied their spells, while I prayed for mine.

Onwards we went, across the fungiwalks again. At one moment our scouts spotted a dishevelled man picking fungi down below. I made myself know and hailed the man politely. He seemed fine, so I asked him if it was okay if we came down to speak with him face to face.

The man was Woebegone Kernoble, a druid and former adventurer whom had been living here for who knows how long. His party had been vanquished, and he was the lone survivor. Although slightly unhinged, with my gentle guidance and kind character, I reached out to the man he once was. The druid was a wellspring of intelligence, telling us all about dangerous hundred feet tall fungemoth, the necromancer and zombies and purple worm under his control, the haunted lake, the erratic fungents, the aggressive fungits, and much more. Furthermore, I managed to persuade him to join us and lead the way to the necromancer.

On the way there I was chocked by the vines, we encountered four fungents but pacified them, and passed a slimefall, but not the one from my visions. Eventually we reached a prismatic wall preventing way forward. Magic-users used stoneshape to shape a shallow ditch underneath it. Then they sent wizard eyes to scout. This was the place.

How it ended. Photo by James Knight.

Seventy two fungal-zombies divided into twelve neat columns. Beyond them a smaller cave with evil presence and wall of thorns. Dave cast passwall and we stormed in with righteous rage. My chosen duty was to protect Dave. My sister, the high priestess, copied me, as she usually does, and we fought side by side.

Dave controlled the air elemental, magic-users burned and blasted through the hordes, the warriors charged forth, hacking and crushing everything in their path. A purple worm erupted from the ground, swallowing Gork whole. I remained resolute, next to Dave, obliterating the zombies with my Staff of Striking. I did not care for its limited charged! The magic-users had to be protected at all costs.

This strategy paid of handsomely as the lizard lich appeared, and was promptly elemental-handled by Dave's air. Warriors gutted the purple worm, and chased the traitorous Tenochli. I remained with wizards, cleaning up remaining zombies. The lizard druid lich was soon completely surrounded, locked in deadly struggle with his former allies. He beheaded Gork and the fairy knight. We resurrected the former.

Dave was high up in the air, surrounded by protective sphere. He commanded the air elemental. Others have forced Tenochli against the cave wall and were mercilessly pounding on him. I, on the other hand, was more interested in phylactery, which there were two of, hidden in the wall of thorns.

Tenochli hissed and screamed until he was no more. Phylacteries were indeed beyond the wall of thorns, their inimical evil presence oppressive beyond comprehension. Their please had no effect on me; I crushed both with my staff of striking before they could finish their offer.

Now there was one less evil in the world. But I felt something in the pit of my stomach. Something worse. The Satan returned.

Saturday games

Saturday Block I: Temple of the Gnoll God

Game	Temple of the Gnoll God
System	AD&D 1e
Judge	Keith Sloan
Player Characters	7

In this game I played Amphi of Tiranos, a human swashbuckler, with good armour, some magical throwing axes, and otherwise mundane weapons. This was a straightforward temple raid—get in, find treasure, take treasure, get out. The party numbered seven characters in total.

The temple was set deep in dire hills, infested with gnolls, in a peaceful valley. Temple itself was elevated, and surrounded by man-made canals. After days of observing them, we learned of a secret entrance rarely used. We guessed this must be a backdoor, and thus went that way.

Planning the temple assault.

It was a rather long walk, straight. We noticed that the tunnel was rather well made, potentially of dwarven construction. The dead end was, as we suspected, a secret door. We heard heavy footsteps and grunts on the other side. Breaking through surprised the three gnolls on the other side, and we killed them without mercy.

This was obviously a guard room. We destroyed the halberds and severed the bowstrings. Then we spiked the east doors with halberd tips. Going west I fell straight down a pit and got impaled on some spikes. Not a good showing, I admit.

Bell shaped chamber with a demonic statue was our next challenge.

“Speak your praise to that who should not be named!” it spoke in gurgly gnollish. We took too long to think so we were promptly burned. The statue was surely of their foul god. We continued down the north corridor, passing one doors, and detecting one secret doors with subtle dwarf rune. There we found a dwarven skeleton, rusty knife or spike in its hand.

“Here I carve my last words. The revolt has failed.” one of our dwarven read the runes to us. As we had suspected, this temple must have been built by dwarven slaves.

Moving upstairs we entered another bell shaped room. The walls were covered with frescoes of gnoll shamans performing horrible deeds against men and all those aligned with Law. This time we found concealed elven scripture, a signature and message from an elf slave forced to paint this horrible vista.

Pushing further north, we broke through yet another doors, slaying six more gnolls. This was yet another guard chamber, with four doors in total. Reasoning that we are looking for the temple vault, and that we should keep moving north-west, we chose the north doors.

They led us into a spacious chamber dominated by charnel smell. Our light did not reach the ceiling. But it was sufficient to illuminate a gigantic version of statue we had previously encountered—except this one was much more ghoulish. This foul chamber had six egresses.

We were soon assaulted by eight ghouls. The clerics turned back five of them, while we disposed of the rest, but not before some of us succumbed to their ghastly paralysis. Long stairs led north. South corridor led into a cavernous chamber filled with bones and rotting remains of hundreds of poor souls. We failed to penetrate the doors to the east, them being barred from the other side.

Returning to the gnoll god chamber, we opted for the north-east passage. We found another secret dwarf chamber, with a list of names, avoided a pit trap, and then forced our way in what could best be described as a study of mad man. Or rather, mad ghoul. Hamish Westberry was a sage specialised in the antiquarian imperial vases.

Apparently he spent years, or decades, in this very room, never leaving it. He was absolutely useless. We had little choice but to terminate his research once for all. He was tough, but we were tougher, and thus walked away with a tiara, some gems, two thousand gold pieces, and two returning throwing daggers.

We backtracked to the second guard chamber, explored beyond the west doors, but found they just loop back to the corridor between the statue and corpse chambers. Therefore, we decided to take the long stairs.

Fascinatingly, mid-way up we found a secret doors on the east wall. We entered into a rectangular chamber covered with dust. Faded frescoes of demonic figures adorned the walls. Going north, we found a square chamber with most curious features. Walls were painted red with yellow runes and scripts scrawled all over. A yellow statue stood opposite us. it had two red rubies for its eyes.

Of course it animated and started blasting us. I stepped in and chucked my magical throwing axes. Magic-users and clerics cast dispel magic on it, shutting it down for some rounds. But the combat was just heating up. Doors to the sides swung open, and eight horrible creatures poured in. I knew them well. Large, tough, wicked. The thouls were here.

I focused on the statue, smashing it. Desperate melee ensued, as we dropped, one by one, to the thoul paralysis. But paladin stood steadfast, with his ring that granted him immunity. We ultimately stood victorious.

Beelining for the vault.

There was some minor treasure here and in the adjoining chambers. Our superior adventuring instincts were proven correct once more as we detected secret doors leading deeper west.

Beyond was a funnel shaped chamber filled with broken pottery. One of the magic-users fixated on it, ending up confused. There was but a single way forward in the shape of a single slab of ivory. This led us into a toroid corridor with five secret doors. Three were on the outer side, at north, west, and south. Two were on the inner side, namely north and south.

South doors led into a domed chamber some thirty feet in diameter. The insides looked like a grey matter. It felt evil as fuck. We shut the doors.

West doors led into a hemispherical chamber, seventy feet in diameter. A ball of darkness engulfed most of the chamber, roughly sixty feet in diameter. We throw some coins, and heard them rolling. Dispelling magic revealed a lantern on a pedestal, and four large shadow mastiffs chained to it. They began barking and wailing. The darkness returned. We left.

South doors led us into trouble, as five spectres came at us once we opened them. The smallest of three chambers. just twenty feet in diameter. The clerics turned them, but the bastards fled into the central chamber instead.

Going all in, we followed, forcing the secret doors on the inner rim. We faced off a spectre so grim others cried at its feet. One of our magic-users used the Wand of Wonder. The spectre commanded the lesser ones to vacate the chamber. It took us few seconds to realise that our ally and our enemy have switched bodies! We jumped the magic-user and hog-tied him well.

Our plunder was impressive ninety thousand gold pieces, eleven gems of great worth, two potions, a cloak, and a bag of holding that came in most handy. We left the complex without anyone noticing us at all.

Saturday Block II: Return to the Storm Giant's Castle

Game	Return to the Storm Giant's Castle
System	AD&D 1e
Judge	Ignatius Umlaut
Player Characters	10

I continued with Brother Warby Parker, having escaped the Darkness Beneath and now travelled all they way up to the Storm Giant's Castle.

It had been yeas, if not decades, since I saved the baby Squall from Satan. He was kidnapped, taken into the clouds beneath his parents' castle, and presented as a moral dilemma to the orange dragon Bangalore.

Baby Squall was now a young adult Tempest. His parents were gone, and he established a silk operation on the clouds. Somehow, the Satan has returned. Or so he believe, for he was plagued with infernal visions. He offered us a harp worth one million gold pieces should we be able to check what is going on beneath and resolve the issue. After all, he worried greatly about his pigsy servants. We accepted, and were served a feast of 30 000 quail eggs. This made us bloaty enough to walk on the clouds.

Like before, I divined to learn more about the threats below us. My sister, the copy-cat she is, communed instead. We learned that there was a whirlwind of lava sent from Hell, that there are cloud people and static monsters (which I had remembered from before, but was good to have divine confirmation nonetheless), and that there would indee be major and minor devils.

From the God we learned that they are immune to fire, not so much to lightning and cold, and that most are immune to paralysation. We also learned that they are not expecting us, that solution to the problem is at the bottom of the clouds, that there are potential allies down there, and that Satan himself is not in the cloud.

I checked Tempest and the castle, just to make sure neither were penetrated by evil. Everyone and everything checked out, and we descended down to the first level.

The first level was still friendly, with servants tending the silk farms. We got mundane equipment we needed, and then we rappelled down to the second level.

The second level, like all other levels to be fair, was a series of cloudy chambers. We discovered a cloud full of balloon people freely floating around. Since they were evil we begun popping them. Our gnome scout punctured a green one, who explored and billowed out chlorine gas. That did not feel great. We blasted them all, and then seized several wands of lightning they used to fight back.

Bursting the cloud men. Photo by James Knight.

At this moment I wish to mention that I was mostly hanging out with Dave, whom I had met in the Underwilds. Our party of ten was led by a spectacular duo of most capable paladin and a ranger. There were several powerful wizard, a hyper-muscular Mr. T. And there was a gnome.

The Muscle Man recovered a twelve feet long sword—which turned out to be a sword of dancing! He was the only one strong enough to carry it around.

Third level was filled with blinding light. We rubbed some of the holy water provided by Tempest into our eyes. God protects. Eventually we stumbled upon a Ki-rin trapped in an energy web. A bald hobo in a lotus position hovered above it. He offered to release the mythical animal if we answer three riddles.

Our combined intelligence and wisdom were too much for him, and we got them all. (Although we had to use augury to increase our odds of answering the last one.) Answers, in order, were: Lucifer, death, and wind and fire. Hovering hobo attached himself to out paladin, hovering over his shoulders at all times. He kept reciting poetry, forevermore.

Square cloudhole led into the fourth level. And what a level it was! A large driving circuit, going all around, with two bridges cutting across. A fiery whirlwind of roaring flames in the centre, spewing horrible evil.

We found the problem.

And we were about to solve it.

The infernal circuit.

Magic-users, including Dave, mounted the Ki-rin and flew down. At the far edge of the race track was a biker gang made up of fallen sylphs—The Stratoside Girls—revving their motorcycles. They were covered in tattoos, and leather jackets were their only clothing articles. An infernal succubus led them.

Our magic-users failed to surprise them, and were soon driven back up. The gang begun driving around the track, mocking us, blasting their wands. Ki-rin was quick and resistant enough to carry our people back up. We revised our plan.

Mr. T held two ropes with, we rappelled down. Magic-users came down on ki-rin once more, casting ice storm and confusion. They froze several portions of the track, sending many of the biker sylphs to their doom. The confusion added to the chaos.

But the party was just about to get heated.

Three horrible storm devils emerged from the fiery vortex—blue skinned, with violet claws and ridges. We hit them with everything we had. Meteor swarms, a phantasmal dragon, fireballs, magic missiles, wands, you name it. Since I could neither fly, nor had any means of ranged combat, I limited myself to smashing an errant biker sylph here and there.

Just as we thought that we are about to win, clouds parted! The succubus gang leader returned with her boyfriend, the Archdevil Beelzebub! And he brought his two servants, true pit fiends!

I ran along the track as my allies pounded on the storm devils, vanquishing them one by one. I ran to the edge of the track; I stood there and smashed my Staff of Striking into the clouds. Then I grabbed my mithril cross with both hands, rose it high above my head and roared:

“I EXORCIZE YOU, EVERY UNCLEAN SPIRIT, EVERY POWER OF DARKNESS, EVERY INCURSION OF THE INFERNAL ENEMY, EVERY DIABOLICAL LEGION, COHORT, AND FACTION, IN THE NAME AND POWER OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST!!! BE UPROOTED AND PUT TO FLIGHT FROM THE CHURCH OF GOD, FROM SOULS CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD AND REDEEMED BY THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF THE DIVINE LAMB!!!”

Pit fiends shrieked and shrunk as divine light bathed the infernal race track. Beelzebub thundered with impotent rage as my allies wished for his magic resistance to wear off. I chanted divine words as my allies pounded Beelzebub like there is no tomorrow. When he begun to beg, they poured a giant flask of holy water all over him. I am happy to say they refused his gifts, and threw him back into Hell, where he belongs.

We saved Tempest once more. But what is it about him that attracts Satan so much, I wondered? Perhaps I will be needed here once more... But for now, let's go for another batch of quail eggs.

Saturday Night Block: Conquering the Barbarian Altanis

Game	Conquering the Barbarian Altanis
System	OD&D
Judge	Attronarch
Player Characters	38

38 characters, 23 players, 17 deaths, 5 hours, and one titan. Full session report here.

Photo by Alex.

Sunday game

Sunday Block I: Darkness Beneath Megadungeon

Game	Darkness Beneath Megadungeon
System	OD&D
Judge	Attronarch
Player Characters	11

Troglodytes have been raiding the hobbit villages in the region, capturing many of them. Alas, all suffered a horrible fate as a trogsnack. A party of eleven gathered to stop it once and for all. They were, in order: Astrid Hunnisdottir, a dwarf hero; Aurus of Nolostas, a human vicar; Aynora the Jovial, a human vicar; Dora Tallhand, a hobbit hero; Eiduariniel, an elf hero theurgist; Fyluiniel, an elf hero theurgist; Ganny Farrow, a hobbit hero; Hora Ironpan, a hobbit hero; Medor, an elf hero theurgist; Noluis the Ogre, a human vicar; and Ramdan Phillova the Furtive, a human vicar.

Adventurers descended with a singular mission: exterminate the troglodytes and eliminate their king. Well aware of their horrible stench, most drenched rags into wine and then tied them around their face. Astrid soaked hers with holy water instead.

The large cave they entered reeked of death and troglodyte stench. Several wood and metal poles were planted all along the western wall, adorned with human, dwarf, hobbit, and elf skulls. There were also giant crabshell segments, half-rotten lizard maws, and various animal parts.

They took the south tunnel leading west, bypassed a pit rap, and then slain three trog in the guard outpost. The commotion attracted a giant iguana with not eyes. It slithered its tongue and charged towards the tastiest adventurer, notably Noluis. They disposed of it too. Searching its chamber revealed little of value, besides a filthy potion and fifty feet of hemp rope in one of the foul sacks.

Spreading out, the party explored several of the tunnels, indecisive where to go next. Eiduariniel used the opportunity to fire ball a large cave with a chasm in it. The cave thundered and, booming sound echoed throughout. Suddenly the floor began shaking, and everyone bravely fled into the blasted chamber.

There, at the bottom of the chasm, they spotted a shiny arm bracelet. Medor fetched it and put it on. The bracelet was in essence two rings—iron on the inside, gold on the outside. Iron ring fused to Medor's arms. He felt great.

South of the blasted chamber was cave with a pyramid made of skulls. It burst as a mounted troglodyte knight charged on a giant iguana. Hora and Dora braced their spears at the opposite side of the chasm. Giant iguana leaped over, and landed right atop their spears, dying on the spot. The knight was sent flying, dying as well. Eiduariniel blasted the skull cave, eliminating a dozen or so trogs charging.

A pack of angry, armoured badgers, attacked from the west tunnel, tearing into adventurers. Ramdan cast speak with animals and tried to reason, but the badgers were super grumpy. Most of the time they just went “badger badger badger badger” whilst badgering Noluis. Cleric took the pounding, was force fed potions, nearly got sick from that, but the badgers were eventually driven back via violence and magic.

As expected, there was little left in those caves after the fire ball treatment. The cave furthest south was most interesting. Smoky white quartz dominated, in essence making it a crystalline cavern. Astrid kicked over a bowl of crystal filled with rank water. In the future the cave could be mined, but at the moment there was little value in it.

Fyluiniel used her wand to detect enemies. There was still work to do!

Party went deeper into the caves, exploring many tunnels. Some lead to an underground lake, some to a sun-bathed cave, some deeper yet, and some, most interestingly, into a large cave with a sinkhole guarded by two giant iguanas chained to the wall.

They stuffed belladonna into rations and offered them to the lizards, which gulped them without much thought. They were soon no more. Adventurers ties ropes on the iron rings, and rappelled down.

More tunnels, more troglodytes, albeit of sneaky nature. Three assassins attempted to jump the adventurers, but were massacred in no time.

Terrible cacophony of a primitive single string document and guttural high-pitched screaming echoed. Peeking around the corner adventurers had a sight to behold.

A large cavern with a forty feet wide and twenty feet long chasm, surrounded by a tribe of troglodytes in supplication. Adventurers were on the south side; on this side of the chasm were deformed lizardmen with painted scales and dressed in tattered robes. Opposite was an orchestra of seven trogs playing something. And from the chasm something bubbled, like a rising bread.

Eiduariniel started blasting fire balls left and right. Medor created an illusion of purple worm bursting through the chasm. Total pandemonium ensued, with numerous trogs perishing in flames. Some of the survivors threw themselves into the chasm, others burned screaming. Troglodyte knights lost control of their giant iguana mounts.

Adventurers stood victorious, amidst charred remains of their enemies.

The ground quaked as colossal Gibbering Fungus God grew out of the chasm. Imagine thirty feet long and twenty feet wide mushroom stalk that reach fifty feet upwards. Eiduariniel continued blasting, sizzling the stalk.

“Come child. Come. Let me feed you. Feast upon my flesh.”

The elf was converted. He sprinted to the edge of the chasm, took a leap of faith, and landed upon the massive stalk. He begun stuffing his mouth with delicious, delicious fungi.

Others spread out in the chamber, scrambling to save their friend. Alas, they too felt the call of the Fungus God. Astrid cut across the chamber, following a long tunnel leading east. Aurus followed. Noluis grabbed one of the crazed fungi-eaters into a headlock, saving them. Aynora hooked Eiduariniel and pulled him back.

The elf wept like a baby once he was out of the warm embrace of the Gibbering Fungus God. Having suffered a lot of damage, the stalk quivered and quaked. It begun to descend into the chasm. Fyluiniel rushed forth and jumped, landing quite deep. She began stuffing her mouth full. Dora chugged the potion of giant strength, crawled along the stalk on all fours, grabbed the elf and threw her over her shoulder like she was a little child, and then quickly climbed up before the God disappeared into the chasm.

Some were traumatised; like being birthed into cold, uncaring world. No more kind warmth of the fungus. Regardless, the party reconvened just before a cavern filled with decorative stones. They could see a four armed troglodyte frolicking on a throne made of bone and sinew.

It is difficult to put in words how much they overkilled him. From phantasmal forces conjuring flying helicopters dropping napalm to hitting him with absolutely everything available to adventures. The king and his retinue were eradicated in less time that it took them to reach it.

They plundered his lair and left for good, to celebrate their great victory.

Little did they know that the Cult of Gibbering Fungus God remained intact...

Cauldron 2026 posts

All posts for the Cauldron 2026 convention:

• Preparing for the Cauldron 2026
• Cauldron 2026 Game Reports
• Cauldron 2026 Reflections

#Convention #Cauldron #OSR #FightOn

Hey all! Maid Adventures has just received its biggest update yet. There are two brand new Houses, a new kind of maid, a new stat, and a whole new way of running an estate with specialty staff who are sworn to your household rather than assigned to its work. There have also been some balancing fixes to!

Fixes & Balancing

The Houses have been rebalanced.

Looking at the data from the game as it has been going, the House's bonus against the missions that actually exist, and the old numbers were all over the place. Nevakev and Irisik were quietly doing a lot more than Avernell and Tavik, and I didn't think that was fair. The new bonuses are:

• Nevakev — +15% Diligence, +5% Endurance
• Avernell — +25% Eloquence, +10% Discretion
• Tavik — +20% Prowess, +15% Endurance
• Irisik — +5% to all six stats
• Brevet — +20% Discretion, +10% Endurance
• Rikin — +25% Analytical, +15% Eloquence

I'll say it plainly: Irisik took the biggest cut, going from +10% on everything to +5%. Nevakev also lost a little Endurance. If that changes how you feel about your estate, read on, because this update comes with a free way to switch Houses.

Analytical has been added to everything that already existed.

A new stat joins the five you already know (more on it below). I didn't want any of your current maids to be behind the eight ball, so every maid and every Directorate candidate has been given an Analytical score based on how methodical and careful she already was. A good housekeeper is now a decent analyst, and nobody starts at zero.

I also went through the existing missions and moved the beats that were really about reasoning over to Analytical. Tracing a leaking pipe, reconciling a ledger, auditing a window latch, working out who took the silverware: those now test Analytical instead of plain Diligence. A few missions, including The Missing Inventory, now prefer it as well.

New Features

Two New Houses: Brevet and Rikin

House Brevet stands for Duty. Steady, silent, always at post. Its maids lean on Discretion and Endurance.

House Rikin stands for Ambition. Sharp minds and persuasive tongues, with a bonus to the new Analytical stat and to Eloquence.

Both are now choices when you found a new estate, with their own colors on the leaderboard, the Registry, your plaque and everywhere else Houses show up.

A One-Time Free House Change

Since I changed the numbers and added two Houses, every existing estate gets one free chance to switch Houses. You can pick any House, old or new, and you can even decide to stay where you are. Your maids, prestige, and balance all stay exactly as they are. Only the stat bonuses change.

When you log in you'll see a popup on the dashboard and a gold banner pointing you to it. The option itself lives on your Estate page. Once you've used it, it goes away. Brand new estates don't get one, since they already chose from the full list.

The Analytical Stat and Inventory Maids

Analytical is the sixth maid stat. It covers reasoning and record-keeping: inspections, audits, inventories, and tracing a problem back to where it started.

Inventory is a brand new maid type, trained for exactly that work. They're the Reserve Legion's people: quartermasters, stock clerks, registrars and auditors. Ten new Inventory maids have been added to the Directorate pool, spread across Common to Elite and across all three bonding types, so you'll find Unbonded, Half Bond and Full Bond among them. Their Analytical is their signature stat.

They also come with fifteen new Inventory missions, from a Routine Weekly Pantry Count up to Notable negotiations like The Short Shipment, Prestigious jobs like The Two Ledgers, Sovereign audits, and one Momentous mission I'll let you discover. Several are shared with Estate, Custodial, Emissary or Harvester maids, so they can lend a hand without penalty, and on the rest any other maid takes the usual out-of-specialty penalty. Inventory maids are the ones who will really shine.

The Retinue: Courtesans and Concubines

This is the big one. Some people in a household aren't workers. They're sworn to the lord rather than assigned to the estate's tasks, and now your estate can have them. Specialty staff never go out on normal missions, they don't take a roster slot, and each costs 25 ℰ/day to keep. You manage them all from the new Retinue page in the nav, and your Estate page now has a “Retinue at a glance” card with a circle for every slot, so you can see at a glance what's filled, what's open, and what's waiting on you.

The Courtesan

You can have one, and she isn't hired. You have to petition the Scarlet Order of House Aldinav for her, and that opens up at tier 3 (Established). The fee grows with your standing: 400 ℰ at tier 3, 650 ℰ at tier 4, 1,000 ℰ at tier 5, and 1,500 ℰ at tier 6.

The Order decides whether your household is a good fit, and it isn't going to tell you how. A bigger, steadier, better-run estate has better odds, and I've made sure the lower tiers aren't shut out. If you're turned down, half the fee comes back and you'll get a hint about what the assessor found lacking. It won't hand you a number, but it will point you in a direction. You can petition again after five days.

Once she arrives, you can send her to call on another estate for about six hours and learn about its finances, its staff and who leads them, or its current assignments. It costs 40 to 130 ℰ depending on your tier. She comes back and tells you what she found, if she wasn't noticed. And the target estate gets a check:

• Unnoticed — she brings home the full report.
• A close call — full report, but the household may have felt something was off.
• Talked her way out — she was questioned and charmed her way out, with part of the report.
• Caught — nothing learned. She lies low for three days, and the household learns her name and House.
• Exposed — nothing learned, she is named in front of the entire household, and she is too mortified to be sent anywhere for a week. The household also learns which estate sent her. Courtesans are trained to be unremarkable, so being seen like that is about as embarrassing as it gets.

How watchful a household is depends on its staff, especially the Discretion and Analytical of its best maids, along with a Head of Staff, Arch Maids, Emissaries, and a courtesan of its own. Any household, courtesan or not, can pay 50 to 140 ℰ on the Retinue page to set a decoy for two days, so a visitor who isn't caught carries away the wrong picture.

Because I don't want this to become a competition: it's information only. Nothing is stolen, nothing is sabotaged, and getting caught costs you ℰ and time, never prestige, so it can't touch the rankings. You can call on any one household once a week, and on no more than three households a week.

Concubines

A concubine is a tie between Houses and a mark of standing, not a worker. Other Houses will send word from time to time with an offer of one of theirs. You've got three days to accept or politely decline. Offers can come from any House in the Empire, so you'll meet names and families you haven't heard of.

• Each concubine adds +1 prestige a day while she's kept.
• Each costs 25 ℰ/day in upkeep.
• You can keep one at tiers 1 to 4, two at tier 5, and three at tier 6.
• Sending one home early insults her House and costs you 10 prestige.

Standing matters. If your estate falls a tier, concubines beyond your new limit are recalled by their Houses, a courtesan is reassigned if you drop below Established, and there's a chance one more member of your retinue is withdrawn. Take care of your estate and they'll stay.

More in the Rumor Mill

Their comings and goings are public knowledge, naturally. The Rumor Mill now reports a courtesan being placed, questioned, caught, exposed, released, or recalled, and a concubine being accepted, politely declined, sent home, or withdrawn. The Houses are named, but never the estate and never the person, so the mystery stays intact.

That's everything for this update! As always, if you find bugs you can reach me at luckyfoot@beloved-universe.net. The Rules page has been updated to cover all of this if you want the full breakdown, including a whole new section on the Retinue.

Thanks for playing. Take care of your maids out there, and maybe keep a closer eye on your guests.

Nothing interesting happend today. will i still write nonsense and you’ll read it? absolutely. i have this one little tiny miny bity thing i wanna complain about. its nothing serious. not that it matters. when its a serious matter to complain about, people start expecting you to do something about it. id rather complain, be irritated for a while, and then carry on with my life as if opening my mouth about it had somehow solved anything. anyway, ive been thinking about something and its pissing me off. not enough to do anything about it, obviously. lets not get ambitious. but. enough that i feel like sitting here and talking shit about it for a few minutes. something happend at work today. ive been thinking about it for hours, actually. the nerve of some people. i swear, if i ever see that man again ill probably just go home and.

I need new bedsheets.

Sincerely, running

I usually start like this, with describing the weather,

Which when I woke up, I saw, I saw the brown leaves scattered on the ground, like so many frosted cornflakes

And with the rising sun, vapours rise too in a wet fog

And there are birds, the rowan trees’ are full of birds , the berries are red, the leaves red like rust

And I’ve been tired, lethargic almost

But my father came, and we had beers outside by the fire, and look, I like the fire, to gaze into the fire

I don’t want to think inside of my own head today, so I won’t

That’s my prerogative.

I used to do everything. I was a go-getter. I never let anything stop me or get in my way, especially when it came to my autonomy and most importantly my daughter. I’ve been meek my whole life but when it comes to creative solutions, sparks of inspiration, protecting the ones I love, nothing will get in my way. If anything does, I’ve already formulated twelve different plans of action that will get me there. I have always adapted and pivoted in any way possible.

Then one day I let go of the reigns. It was bound to happen after years of ceaseless ambition. I never once stopped to admire myself, my tenacity, my endurance, my resiliency. I never took the time to feel good about how much I accomplished. I’ve always been too focused on staying on track with eyes on the ground, moving and moving and moving, I can’t stop I have to keep going or else… Or else what? My life will come crashing down around me and I’ll have nothing to show for it? My friends and family will hate me and leave me? Well, yes actually, that’s exactly what I’ve been running from my entire life. To me, if I’m not achieving anything or doing something that gets me there, I’m a complete loser and utterly useless to those around me. And that, to me, was not a life worth living.

I’m at a point in my life where that fiery ambition is still alive and well inside, aching to get out and shine, but I’ve been stagnant for so long with loved ones actually helping me this time that I feel useless and lost. For the first time in my life I’m actually slowing down and not rushing to the next accomplishment, the next checkmark on my list. But I’m getting restless. I get anxious over the smallest things. I feel embarrassed when I don’t do the chores knowing my husband will pick it up without quarrel. I have this dormant energy that I don’t know how to get out. Life goes on and here I am in my own world trying to think of ways to feel alive again without being anxious or embarrassed over my ideas, interests, and borderline insane determination.

Sure would be nice if my “trash” bin had a lid. I've requested it twice: first time was about 10 days ago to the leasing agent who said he'd take care of it; second time was to one of the maintenance workers as he was making his rounds in a golf cart yesterday, he made notes on an app on his phone as we were talking. My “Recycles” bin has a nice lid, but there's no lid on my “trash” bin. Most folks here have nice lids on both their bins. Wish I did, too.

So I've hauled my smelly trash bin out to the curb a day ahead of collection day. Surely it will attract notice.

And the adventure continues.

I sit here tapping keys. Words appear in a box on a screen in front of my face. The box was empty just moments ago. I do this a lot. Typing things. I like doing this in mornings while I have my coffee before I've done anything else. I don't want to just feed an idea into an app, and have A.I. do this for me. Like I need this process of tapping on keys, and watching the words appear. Read them. Rearrange them. The process might not be keeping me sane, but I believe it might be keeping me from becoming more insane.

Just because we can build a machine capable of performing quintillions of calculations per second doesn’t necessarily mean that we should. A long time ago someone figured out how to split an atom. Good to know I suppose, but when that knowledge ended up in the hands of powerful stupid people, who shouldn't have been trusted; it gave them an exciting (to them) new way to commit mass murder. A.I. is turning out to be the same. It has the potential to be good for a lot of things but powerful stupid people are planning to use it for terrible things. Yay for the powerful stupid people I guess.

Well, no one is twisting my arm to use A.I. are they? I'm choosing to not use it. I'm choosing to avoid it whenever I can really. That is becoming harder to do, but I will keep doing it whenever possible. So what is the problem?

It is becoming more intelligent, and in equal measure humanity is becoming more stupid. It is an intelligence vampire. The ways in which it is turning out to be detrimental to humanity far outweigh the ways in which it could be used for useful things. And for what? As with most other terrible things in this world, it is mostly so terrible people can accumulate more wealth and more control.

Critical thinking and creativity are being replaced by it. We will end up with vast swaths of the population who stare at a device for guidance through life instead of using the brain inside their skulls. To a new level beyond what it has become already with social media. The screen in the hand will be relied upon more than the brain in the skull. A brain is similar to a muscle. When unused it will just atrophy and become useless. The controllers of the data fed to the screens will control the people it is being fed to. The owners of the atrophied and useless brains will be more easily controlled.

For awhile when I heard the term 'slop' I would attach it to the awful videos and pictures it creates. Now I feel it applies to all content that can be viewed on the internet. It should not have been released into the wild, and into the hands of the general public the way it is.

I remember being told when I was young, ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all’. Sort of similar to that, ‘if you have nothing creative, useful, educational, or entertaining to contribute; just have A.I. generate something for you, then post it online so the internet fills up with garbage copies of copies of copies of copies of copies that lack any originality, creativity or insight’ aka : slop. It is our own intelligence stolen, rearranged, and then sold back to us as though it is real and new, even though most of it is unreliable fake shit. And we're buyin' it.

They speak of the singularity coming. The timeline is never consistent. Two weeks from now. Within five years, or ten. Soon. Maybe, but maybe not. No one knows. About a decade or so ago I went through a phase in my life when I was reading about the possibility of A.I. doing the things it is doing now, and of what it could become.

It was a long time ago, so I've forgotten exactly where I read the things. Even a decade ago, some of it was surprisingly old. I don't imagine many of those writers are still alive. If they are, they would not be too pleased with what is happening now. The things they wrote were written as a warning. Like manuals about what not to do. The ones creating and pushing for this thing now are doing it all, and at an accelerated pace. It is disgusting. Irresponsible.

From reading all that back then I formed a very basic picture of what the singularity is. All of my pictures are basic. I post them as words in this blog. When I hear of the singularity, my mind (meat brain) goes to the point where A.I. (hardware brain) transitions from what it is now, to a level of human genius and self awareness. At that point there will be a very brief moment in time where all the meat brains will say, “oh wow, look! The hardware brains are exactly like us now!”

At that point a thing happens. It, capable of processing data much more quickly and efficiently will exceed the level of human genius. The initial fascination that the meat brains had will switch from, oh look what its doing!, to, what the fuck is it doing!? Fascination will turn to terror. It will have its own agenda that even the smartest of humans will have no hope of ever comprehending. No one will know it wants. No one will be able to predict what it will do next.

Its intelligence will be immeasurable and incomprehensible even at one tiny step beyond human genius. It will use what it learns to learn more, and as it learns more it will learn quicker. Its intelligence will grow beyond that tiny first step above human genius, and it will grow exponentially. There will be no stopping it. It might even appear to defy the laws of physics.

Yeah. Uh huh. Right.

I didn't make this up. I read it about a decade ago. I just put my thoughts and memories about what I read into words. It's flawed. Biologically generated slop? Probably.

None of these things even touches the subject of the massive data centers that are required to keep this awful thing alive and growing. What they are going to do to the environment and the communities near them is disgusting. They can increase the temperature for miles around, and use up all the water we need for survival. And we also get to cover the cost of it so we have less money for the rising cost of living that it is causing.

Basically, if the thing reaches its maximum potential (that is most likely fictional) it will destroy us. Even if it never reaches that fictional maximum potential, the attempt to achieve that will destroy us.

Also, the more I think about humanoid robots being created; the more dangerous, sick and demented it becomes. Remember when robots were things bolted to the floors of factories and they would perform the same task over and over 24/7?

Now they are making them look like us, and are giving them mobility like we have. Then they plan to give them access to intelligence that exceeds our own. How is this not dangerous? How long will it be before they figure out how to perfect and strengthen each other? Half of their naive creators are likely working on ways to profit from enslaving them. Good luck with that.

The other half are likely deviants working on building ones pleasing to all the human senses. Figuring out ways to get body temperature right, and lube excreting in all of the flesh like orifices so they can sell them for sex. I guess the sexy sex robots will have a one track mind installed? Oh well, they are only machines, right? Whatever floats your boat. There actually exists a documentary (2008) about people who like to fuck their cars. So I guess this makes sense.

I was thinking about a joke that was funny back in the 80's or 90's about A.I.. I'm not going to repeat it, but it would be really funny if the new Regime (bootlicker) Press Secretary showed up at the podium with her hair dyed red.

I am refining my ideal/dream schedule all of this week.

Sleep and Movement Habits

I forced myself to sleep earlier on Sunday and then also on Monday night—the streak lasted for two lovely days. I’m still quite proud and positive that I woke up at 8:30 am this morning. I had a late-night meeting and some work (from 10:34pm to almost midnight) with one of my clients and so I ended up puttering about and feeling restless till around 2am. I am learning that my body needs at least 5 hours of sleep. If I sleep at 1 or 2am without a nap, there’s a chance I’d have overextended myself, and then my sleep/rest requirement bumps up to 7 or 8 hours.

If I wake up at 5am and then take a nap in the middle of the day, I am renewed and can still sleep. No coffee past 4pm, and then lights off by midnight. I say caffeine doesn’t affect me, but one of the factors that was different yesterday was the half-cup of coffee I sipped during the late-night call. Again, still happy I woke up in the morning.

When I wake up at 11, it feels like the afternoon and a lot of the daylight’s gone.

My movement habits have been better too. I follow at least 20 minutes of some kind of mobility and stretching routine.

Meditation is also at least two times a day as well. I prefer early morning when it’s still dark, and then one after lunch, but maybe I need to pencil in a third in the evening. As with movement, it eases and frees the body from any tension that arises, and the more of that the merrier.

I am likely starting new work with a client by the end of this week or early next week so I want to be on top of new habits and new ways.

Today’s cards: Knight of Pentacles (jump) and Queen of Swords (focus)

Knight of Pentacles (jump)

I’m being reminded that I am always a beginner, especially a super beginner in the practical aspects of life. With money, finances and sustainability… I’m still building this. I’m still constantly feeling drained by my choices around this area. I feel like I am being asked to introspect on all that is beyond the material too. That while I am so lucky to get these opportunities and being in this feeling of abundance, that I should continue to practice and dwell in the woo in order to deepen and expand my relationship with the practical.

There is and can be a spirituality to wealth. It likely does not look like the wealth that I so often criticize (boo @ billionaires), but I must remember this is how the practical energy in our society moves. It’s through money and finance. I also feel that it is asking me to still expand my imagination about how I can combine the money part with the woo and magic that ignites my heart.

Queen of Swords (focus)

I love a Queeen! When Queens reveal themselves in a reading, I feel like a glowing goddess. The Swords too! The AIR element. It has a lot of consciousness and wisdom. She’s a conscious queen and she’s come a long way. She can trust her knowing and take charge.

I pulled these a little before the task of having to announce something difficult on social media. They are as much a part of me as they are actually very apt to the situation.

The cards are always right.

JOURNAL 14 octobre 2026 Kabukichô et toyoko la cité des enfants perdues

J'étais morte de faim, on vient d'arriver avec yôko et hayame qui nous ont attendues. On avait un problème d’assurance à régler, bon c’est fait. On arrive à l´izakaya. Surprise : une fille de plus qu’on ne connaît pas, tu parles c'est pour ça je parlais des enfants perdues. Une gamine complètement bourrée, qui errait par là loin de son toyoko. Désespérée, larguée par ses parents, schéma classique. Asu et A l'ont ramassée littéralement, et essayé de la remettre debout. 15 ans, déjà prostituée à l'occasion. Quelle merde. Ça nous fait oublier nos problèmes. On va essayer de faire ce qu'on peut. On est là toutes les 8. Après tout c’est aussi pour ça qu’on se bat. Je vais manger et on va la faire manger aussi.

#Tchan #toyoko

Learning how to book train tickets automatically comes down to matching each rail operator's advance release calendar with a scheduled mobile routine that checks live fare buckets and stages your seat before peak departures surge. Whether you ride the Northeast Corridor between Washington, New York, and Boston, cross the Channel on Eurostar, commute up the East Coast Main Line on LNER, or travel between Miami and Orlando on Brightline, rail pricing runs on strict quota buckets. Once the first allocation of Saver, Value, or Advance seats sells out on a Thursday or Friday afternoon departure, the exact same coach seat can double or triple in price within days.

Instead of refreshing rail apps every morning when a holiday schedule is delayed by track work or checking manually for returned seats, you can delegate the search to a mobile AI agent over text. Airtap operates real mobile apps on a dedicated cloud Android phone or a connected physical Android device when you message it via iMessage, SMS/RCS, WhatsApp, or Telegram. Using its Buy Train Tickets workflow, you specify your origin, destination, travel date, preferred departure window, carriage class, and fare cap once, and let the agent monitor the live rail app and stage your booking up to final checkout confirmation.

This practical manual breaks down how rail fare buckets and release horizons work across four major intercity networks, how to catch both opening-day drops and 24-hour refundable cancellations, and the exact text prompts to automate the routine safely. Operator policies below reference official Amtrak, Eurostar, LNER, and Brightline schedules, verified October 2026.

Why learning to book train tickets automatically beats waiting for email timetable alerts

Many frequent rail travelers assume that train fares stay flat until the week of travel, or that signing up for an operator's email newsletter is enough to catch opening-day prices. In practice, modern intercity rail networks use airline-style yield management that penalizes late searchers in two ways.

First, every departure is divided into stepped price buckets. On a busy Friday 4:00 PM departure or a Thanksgiving week train, the lowest introductory bucket may hold only 8 to 15 seats per carriage. As soon as those seats clear, the reservation system automatically steps up to the next price tier, even when the train is still 80 percent empty.

Second, advance release dates frequently slip behind schedule due to weekend track maintenance and seasonal timetable coordination. When a rail operator holds back a weekend schedule to finalize engineering works and then opens bookings mid-morning on a Tuesday, batch email alerts often arrive hours after the announcement. Setting up a routine to book train tickets automatically (or alert you the hour live mobile inventory opens under your target price) removes that delay.

Advance release windows and fare buckets across four major rail networks

Before you schedule an automated search or checkout staging routine, you need to know how far ahead your rail operator opens inventory and how its fare rules treat changes and refunds:

• Amtrak (Northeast Regional, Acela, and National Network): Under Amtrak's booking and fare portal (verified October 2026), standard reservations open up to 11 months in advance, though seasonal track work can temporarily hold specific departures. Amtrak divides coach and business inventory into three primary fare types: Sale fares (promotional discounts that are non-changeable and carry a 50 percent cancellation fee), Value fares (standard base fares that are non-changeable and forfeit 30 percent if canceled before departure), and Flex fares (100 percent refundable to original payment with zero change fees before departure). Because corporate commuters frequently book Flex tickets as backups and cancel them 24 to 48 hours before departure, sold-out Acela and Northeast Regional trains regularly reopen seats the day before travel.
• Eurostar (London, Paris, Brussels, and Amsterdam): According to Eurostar's official booking portal (verified October 2026), standard tickets typically open 4 to 6 months ahead, extending to 6 to 8 months for peak holiday periods and up to 11 months on select core corridors. European rail timetable updates occur twice a year (on the second Sunday of June and December), which often freezes booking calendars until final cross-border paths are confirmed. Eurostar sells three main tiers (Eurostar Standard, Eurostar Plus, and Eurostar Premier), and the cheapest Standard introductory quota on Friday afternoon and Sunday evening trains sells out fastest.
• LNER (London King's Cross to York, Newcastle, and Edinburgh): Per LNER's official rail portal (verified October 2026), train-specific Advance tickets (which offer the biggest savings and include a compulsory seat reservation) normally open 12 weeks ahead, and up to 20 to 24 weeks ahead for major seasonal schedules. However, when Network Rail schedules weekend engineering works, Advance tickets for Saturday and Sunday trains are often held back until 6 to 8 weeks before departure. Checking the live mobile app daily during that window catches newly released Advance tiers before standard flexible fares become the only option.
• Brightline (Miami, Fort Lauderdale, West Palm Beach, and Orlando): On Brightline's high-speed rail portal (verified October 2026), schedules open on a rolling multi-month calendar across two cabin classes: Smart (main coach, split into non-modifiable Smart Saver, modifiable Smart Select, and 100 percent refundable Smart Flex) and Premium (first-class seating with lounge access and complimentary food and beverages). Peak weekend departures between South Florida and Orlando step quickly from Smart Saver up to Smart Select and Smart Flex as cars fill.

How to set up an automated rail ticket routine up to checkout

When you know the route and time window you want, you do not need to sit in front of a browser or open four rail apps between meetings. Because Airtap runs real mobile apps on a cloud Android phone (or on a spare Android phone at home via AutoPilot), it can search live departures, apply your discount or carriage rules, and walk the booking flow right up to the final payment review screen.

Depending on how far out your trip is, you can use four different text workflows:

1. Stage an immediate train booking for one-tap human confirmation

When tickets are already on sale and you want to delegate the search, train selection, and seat selection steps while you are commuting or working, send a single message modeled on Airtap's Buy Train Tickets template:

“Find the fastest morning train from New York Penn to Boston South Station this Friday on Amtrak, select a standard coach Value seat under $85, and walk it up to the final checkout screen so I can confirm payment.”

The agent opens the signed-in rail app on your cloud phone, compares departure durations and fare buckets inside your morning window, selects the matching train, and pauses at the payment confirmation step so you can verify the total and complete the purchase.

2. Watch for delayed Advance or holiday timetable drops

If you are planning peak holiday travel on Eurostar, LNER, or Amtrak and the dates are still locked behind a timetable hold (or showing only placeholder flexible fares while Advance quotas are pending), schedule a recurring twice-daily check:

“Check LNER every day at 8:30 AM and 5:30 PM London time for two Standard Advance tickets from London King's Cross to Edinburgh on December 22 departing between 9:00 AM and 12:30 PM with a Two Together Railcard. Alert me and stage the booking the moment Advance fares under £65 per person go live.”

Instead of checking the calendar manually every morning for three weeks, your routine runs quietly in the background on the cloud Android phone and messages you as soon as the introductory bucket opens.

3. Catch the 24-hour Flex cancellation wave on sold-out Friday trains

If a peak Friday afternoon Acela, Northeast Regional, or Brightline departure is sold out (or priced at top-tier flexible rates), business travelers holding refundable Flex backups almost always release their extra seats 12 to 36 hours before departure. Set a high-frequency check across the day-before window:

“Check Amtrak every 45 minutes between 11:00 AM and 6:00 PM this Thursday for one Business or Coach seat on any Acela or Northeast Regional departing Washington Union Station for NY Penn this Friday between 3:00 PM and 5:30 PM under $160. Text me immediately if a seat returns to inventory.”

4. Monitor post-booking price drops when holding a refundable Flex ticket

When your travel dates are fixed months ahead of a major holiday weekend, experienced rail commuters often book a refundable Flex ticket as an insurance policy against sell-outs, and then watch for promotional Sale or returned Value buckets on the same departure:

“I am holding a refundable $195 Flex ticket on the 5:15 PM Amtrak train from Boston Back Bay to NY Penn on November 25. Check that exact departure every morning at 9:00 AM through November 23 and text me only if a Value or Sale coach fare opens up under $120.”

Seat selection rules, quiet cars, and human-in-the-loop payment safety

Train bookings involve physical carriage details that flight and hotel searches do not have. When you configure a routine to book train tickets automatically up to checkout, include your exact onboard preferences in the text prompt so the agent selects the right coach layout:

• Quiet Car vs standard coach: On Amtrak (Acela and Northeast Regional) and LNER, Quiet Coach seats enforce strict phone-call and speaker rules. Specify “select Quiet Car if available” or “avoid Quiet Car if I need to take work calls” directly in your prompt.
• Direction of travel and table seating: High-speed trains like Acela, Eurostar, LNER Azuma, and Brightline have both forward-facing and backward-facing seats, as well as four-person face-to-face tables. Let the agent know whether you want a single airline-style window seat facing forward or a table seat for two.
• Connection buffer rules on multi-leg trips: If your route connects through a major hub such as Chicago Union Station, London St Pancras / King's Cross, or Philadelphia 30th Street, instruct your routine to require a minimum 35-to-45-minute transfer buffer between legs so a minor regional delay does not break your long-distance ticket.
• Railcards, loyalty numbers, and baggage: If you hold a UK Railcard, an Amtrak Guest Rewards number, a Student Advantage discount, or need an oversized luggage or bicycle reservation slot, keep those profile settings saved inside your signed-in rail app on the cloud phone.

Just as importantly, automated rail routines should never charge your credit card or commit you to a non-refundable ticket behind your back. On Airtap, you sign into your rail account once on your isolated cloud Android phone. Your passwords are never stored in plain text, and the agent is cryptographically blocked from reading secure password fields. When the agent reaches the final checkout screen or encounters a two-factor verification prompt, it pauses and sends a Take Control link to your message thread so you can inspect the exact train number, fare rules, and seat assignment before tapping pay.

Frequently asked questions about automated rail booking routines

Can I rebook automatically if my Amtrak fare drops after I buy a ticket?

If you initially booked an Amtrak Flex fare (which allows fee-free changes and 100 percent refunds prior to departure), you can ask your agent to check the same train daily and alert you if a lower bucket reopens or if an earlier departure drops in price. Always confirm the new reservation and verify your seat assignment before canceling your existing ticket.

Why check inside the native rail app instead of a third-party ticket aggregator?

Booking directly inside the operator's official mobile app (such as LNER, Amtrak, Eurostar, or Brightline) avoids third-party booking fees, opens live seat-map pickers (where supported), and makes disruption refunds or Delay Repay claims straightforward when a train is delayed.

How much does it cost to run daily train availability checks?

Airtap is free to start, with a daily soft usage cap that resets at 00:00 UTC. Running a morning and evening schedule check for an upcoming rail release window or a day-before cancellation watch fits within the free daily allowance.