I read this one so slowly. I didn’t devour it in one sitting like I did All Fours. I would put it down after every few chapters. As I told my boyfriend, I feel lucky to have the discipline that I do, whenever I need to muster it. I first bought this novel when Boyfriend and I were talking again, but once we drifted apart, I knew and felt in my heart of hearts that it was not the time to pick it up. He brought it up again recently and I told him all of this, and now am really glad I read it. It certainly matches the knowledge trail I’m on. Consciousness. Shadow work. Intentional choices. The power of the mind. Our oneness in the world. Reality vs. Dreams. Maybe they’re one but only accessible in certain consciousness states?

I confess that I never considered myself a Murakami die-hard. He is not someone on my radar. I never know when he has a book coming up and have let my friends recommend me his books over the years. My friend, S, from college is the first person to ever recommend me his books. I think it was Dance, Dance, Dance or A Wild Sheep Chase. But, neither of those stories stuck. By the time an ex recommended Norwegian Wood (in my senior year)—I didn’t think I would like any of his works. However, I read these titles at a time when I was very hateful and critical of a lot of things. Finally, after graduating college, it was 1Q84 and The Wind-up Bird Chronicles that finally brought me out of my Murakami rut.

I’m glad I waited before getting into this particular one. It feels as though it came from his soul. Learning that this story was re-written from an earlier time when the idea first came to him, added to the feeling of wonder throughout. It stays with you. You want to sit with it for a while. The Murakami Bingo Card definitely entered my mind as the story went on.

Towards the end of the novel, I got excited to finish and then I did the thing that I said I wasn’t doing at the start of this post, and I binge-read the last few chapters. Joke’s on me though, I’ve now read Part III, a couple more times and it was only in this last listening of the e-book (and not the re-reading the physical book) that I feel as though I ‘understood’ it.

**SPOILER:** I believe he finally returns to face and live ‘reality’/the ‘real’ world he was half-hearted about. I want to believe that he returns to the life he would occasionally “leave”/disassociating from, and brought his shadow and “full” self back in.

#books #writing

I just saw leap for the second time! It is pretty late and responsible thing for me to do Is go to bed now so I will. But I feel like I am stabilized again and that everything is going to be ok. I’m very grateful for that.

WORKSTREAM: Got to see proofs for issue 2 of ELON magazine, which features my collab with Dominic Boyer, and it's fantastic! The Gigacities Collective have done a really great job at creating the new culture-jamming publication for our times. I'll remember to post again once it's out and there's more information on how to get it.

The complete THE SOLAR GRID box-set can now be nabbed through Asterism.

October is already here, which I'm gonna need to dedicate almost entirely to wrapping up TIMES NEW HUMAN if I can. Quite a bit of work travel slated for November, which knowing me will disrupt any semblance of flow.

Got the strangest email the other day inviting me to be interviewed about THE SOLAR GRID for a podcast... in exchange for a fee. Didn't even realize that was a thing now.

RADAR: Great Kim Stanley Robinson interview over at the Crisis and Critique Youtube channel.

Watched SOYLENT GREEN the other night for the first time! What a great goddamn movie! Can't believe it passed me by. It must be Ganzeer-discovers-the-70s season over here.

STATUS:

#work #journal #radar

How dumb was I? Gave away my worth to someone who didn't even take advantage of it.

Only to leave me soulless and empty of gold.

He might walk without a soul — at least he carries diamonds and treasures.

I'm just waiting for this heart to collapse, because that's the only way I could ever forget.

I wish I could be dumb again, but now it requires a courage that even superheroes don't have.

Boldness is so overrated. Courageous people just sink in the ocean. Deep. Too deep.

My lungs were not built to survive underwater.

I've already crushed every record...

How much time is left before I become too heavy for even the barest hope?

I thought fairness existed.

I thought an invisible force was sewing my destiny.

Happy are those who believe in an upper spider!

But silk doesn't resist water pressure anyway.

There's no tragedy.

Only insignificance —

In the sadness of immensity.

 

 

I used to dream.

I used to hope.

I used to shout in the name of passion

And move mountains in the name of love.

I used to call for miracles.

I used to fly despite obstacles.

I used to refuse to crumble,

Even though I felt miserable.

I used to proudly carry heavy rocks,

And never lay any of them down.

I used to walk on earth

And reach for the skies.

Now — in a world full of water,

The shore and its sand are the mirage.

 

 

What do I deserve?

The roughness of the fall already answer that.

We all carry deep desires,

Entangled wishes,

But my story was a story of almosts.

 

I somehow was on the verge of falling into the abyss

But I resisted.

My fuel ran dry

And when least expected,

A hurricane rolled in.

He had the beauty of the perfect savior,

The scent of a destined soldier,

And the touch of a guardian angel,

But it was only a joke —

Wrapped up in an inevitable nightmare.

Only fools believe a hurricane will take them on a ride above the ocean

Cradled by immaculate wings...

Alas, I was naive!

Reminiscent of that child inside me

Who never asked for any gifts,

And thought, maybe for once,

She could get just one of her dreams...

Oh dear — dreams don't exist!

And there are no miraculous wings!

Look how your adult heart choked,

Throughout the violence of the impact

And the drowning that followed.

 

 

Why should I believe in anything

Now that I stand without a soul?

The clock of the upper spider is

At best, triggering my own annihilation.

Me, the fool who can't swim

Inside the depths of the abyss —

I'm dreadfully drowning,

And no one would ever dare to save me.

 

 

I wish someone had taken my hand

I would have never asked for it

But I wish someone had appeared

As a real savior, with a heart that brought

Ingenuousness — and gentleness

I wouldn't have even asked for the strongest one

They could have been broken, desperate and miserable

I only wished for a hand, and a heart

Who wouldn't have needed me to confess

My struggles, my complete loneliness

I wish someone had grabbed my hand

Firmly, while I was still losing grip on the edge

Pulling me closer, right before the end

Or right before the hurricane

I wish someone had truly cared

Enough to give as I always gave

I wish someone had, for me, such love

That they would have broken the road

With just one step

Romance would have assembled for me

An authentic mosaic toward peace and oxygen

I wouldn't even have asked for a steady or eternal place

Only a shelter, a simple cabin

But life isn't a fairytale

And people don't like magic.

 

 

I spent too much of my naive life

Searching for truthfulness

— And authenticity

Never giving up

Thinking that the waiting

Would be proportional to the win

Well, the waiting can only get worse

And what doesn't kill you

Makes you cruelly jaded

 

Will you ever find love?

How do you even find love?

When do we find love?

Are you doing all you can to find love?

Is bullshit

 

The horrific question is:

Will true love slash its own face

When you meet it?

Monstrosity has different meanings

But spitting on love is the worst of them

Fearing the spider's web of cold numbers

Is a harmful cherry lure — when you'll be cut open

by your lover's blade of trauma, and his promised plea.

 

I wish I only cared about rings and things

I wish I dug like a nihilist

Foolishness made me climb up the hills

Then whoever came in

Was missioned — to drain my worth

As if this was not enough

My own soul — died through it

Yet, I still have a breath

In the aquarium of death

 

 

Had the wounded knight

Who might have borne me,

Hastened forth to my side —

Would he kiss my soul laid

In the sanguine coffin of woe?

The water cherishes my fading mind

 

Hopes enraged are intertwined

Beneath the blame smothering unborn love

I fear this marred heart of mine

Would harbor sudden wrath

Along with the depths' aftermath

 

To choose is to let something go

Not to choose is to lose it all

And I don't have anything to lose

— Anymore

 

 

The dark waves are suddenly flickering

Insidiously encroaching and tight

Is my mind finally fading?

Along with my breath soaking down?

My vision seems helpless but lucid

A horrendous stake is approaching

Fishes around me are impaled

Sharks and whales are bleeding

Octopuses are divided into one

I'm unconsciously drowning in ache

Observing the agony of the depths

A shadow is reflected by the sea

The arachnid has reached the abyss

Preparing to hole my heart

The water is fiercely changing

From deep blue to pitch black

I'm sensing a corporeal sound alongside

Abruptly breaking the flesh of the below

Devoured and plucked to a blind mouth

 

I'm afraid of the waves

I'm afraid of the dark

I'm afraid — though my heart

Lost its time

Praying for the knight

On the train again, I really enjoy it, a blue train travelling in the misty autumn coloured lands like in a dream almost, but this is reality!

And I even took the red pill!

And I’m o on my way to see the friend of the office, to put in a good unit of work, maybe have a fancy lunch with pie? And coffee!

And now I must read my book, because even though it’s not a muscle, but mostly fat, the brain needs exercise too!

I’m feeding my fire again!

I find anxiety to be extremely fascinating. On the days where I’m riddled and my entire body and soul are suffering; I tend to be alright with the fact that I don’t do anything. The anxiety itself is the activity. I sit and I bundle up and I imagine all the possible ways that I could die in that very moment. Impending death seems to be a common thought. But sometimes I get a day all to myself. No voice in the back of mind saying nasty things. No strange inexplicable (completely explicable) feelings in my body. Yet now there’s something else to be worried about. What do I like. Before I became a trembling anxious mess I had hobbies, friends, passions. I was always out and about and happy to be. I would read from dusk till dawn and play so many games with my friends. Dating made me happy too, mostly to go out and meet new people, and the prospect of a paid dinner was an added bonus. But now I can’t help but feel very very sorry for myself. One would think that it’s a blessing to have a day off from anxiety. I used to for sure. Recently I’ve found myself making lists of things I want to do, to read, to watch. It’s as if I have to remind myself that I do actually enjoy things. Writing this was struggle enough. “Oh, come on! It’s completely normal to forget about things you like, you’re just overwhelmed.” Mmmm I wouldn’t say so. I am always and completely underwhelmed. Games aren’t fun, movies and shows are boring, and a good book doesn’t even exist on this terrestrial plane. I have been reborn into my own universe where everything, and everyone, is pointless, useless and stupid. It’s not depression or anything like that. I know that if I tried a bit harder, I could get back to myself. You know I just have to meditate, and journal, and read ‘The law of Attraction’. And keep to myself and never say anything bad for I have the power to manifest it. And I wouldn’t even have to try that hard! The power to create is real and when I think too hard about something bad it could very well happen, so being cautious is best. Anything I could ever want is right in front of me. Soooo close. I just have to get out of this slump. Be better be better, Oh! And do more as well. I think people forget about that part. Never ever ever forget that by sitting around and wallowing you are pretty much giving up on any life you may have been able to have. Speaking of which, there are 5 games on my ‘To play’ list right now. I just need to get off my ass and play them. Two of the games are The Legend of Zelda. I wonder why two of the games that I want to play are from the same series. It is not because I like that series. I only like my boyfriend and I only like sitting on my couch and I reeeaally like staring at my phone for 7 hours a day. I can read this and feel sad for myself, but what does it take to push yourself towards bigger and better things? When I talk to them about it, I feel so annoying. I’m annoying myself right now to be honest.