Elephants are not controversial. I am fairly sure that most people agree (two hedges in a row) that elephants are majestic, beautiful, intelligent, and worthy of respect. These aren’t attributes that are seriously debated. This is not a point of heated discussion in bars and coffee shops and high school auditoriums during debate season.

So, when I regretfully made my daily to Yahoo! News and saw an article about a baby elephant at Smithsonian Zoo, I thought, how nice. This will be a break. I bet it’s cute and we can all talk about how cute it is. The article strikes a hopeful yet cautious tone. The new baby elephant, born at the Smithsonian's National Zoo, still unnamed, was “rejected” by her mother. That’s a word added by Yahoo. The Smithsonian blog post itself makes no such claim. But I was quickly reassured that an older female elephant in the zoo had taken the baby elephant under her trunk, so to speak, and all was going to be okay. Give the mother time and space, and she’ll come around. She’s new to this. This happens. The zookeepers are knowledgeable and patient and caring. All is well.

And in that impulse I have, that I can never seem to shake, I scroll down to the comments section. Of Yahoo news. I know. I open the comments, which are collapsed by default—a design decision made somewhere with A/B testing or perhaps to track engagement, or perhaps actually to protect the tiny parts of our humanity that still remain when we browse the internet—and immediately see that the top two comments have been removed by the moderator. In an article about a baby elephant. Okay.

The third comment stopped me cold, and I read it at least a half dozen times. “How a democRAT treats her young for $200, Alex. (edited)” I must have put my head in my hands, and leaned against my dining room table, and let out a sound somewhere between a groan and a cry for help, and then read it again. The cry for help wasn’t because of the message content, no. It was because I knew what would come next: I would be clicking on this person’s profile and reading their comment history. My alien hand syndrome was acting up again, and there I was, inside this person’s mind.

They spoke of Jesus, and Dr. Anthony Fauci, and of mRNA and spike proteins, and of 9/11. They seemed particularly preoccupied with biological preparations that provide active acquired immunity to a particular infectious or malignant disease, aka vaccines. The comments were rapid fire. 17 minutes ago. 16 minutes ago. 14 minutes ago. 11 minutes ago. Articles about celebrities and current events and baby elephants. The actual content of the articles did not matter—they were simply prestretched canvases, ready for paint to be thrown.

And then I wondered, did unnamed baby elephant get vaccinated? It was a question that our commenter had not seemed to consider. According to the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, there is a new mRNA (oh no) vaccine for elephants, which protects against Elephant Endotheliotropic Herpesvirus (EEHV). They claim that “this deadly virus is the leading cause of death for juvenile Asian elephants in North America and Europe, with a mortality rate of 60-80 percent.”

The person probably didn’t consider that there was no agenda, not one that my imagination can conjure, at least. No plot to control or brainwash or harm or kill elephants. I doubt few, if any, mustaches were twisted. It appears to have been the result of years of effort by a consortium of scientists and private industry. People who are presumably interested in science, and who are interested in elephants not dying unnecessarily.

I would like to sit down with this person. Buy them a coffee. I imagine they’d be scanning their surroundings suspiciously—what is that car doing? What exactly is in this supposedly free coffee? Does the person across from me know about raw milk—and say, hey. It’s okay. There’s some people that wanted to do cool science. And also help elephants. And this little elephant is probably going to live a decent life because of their efforts. Aren’t you okay with that? You’re not angry, are you? Can we sit and talk about this?

I want to hear about where they grew up, and what sorts of things their parents told them. I want to know what school was like, and who helped them through life. I want to know about when they fell in love, and if they can explain why it happened. I want to know if they were ever six years old and held a dog in their arms and wanted only good things for it. I want to ask them if they knew that even rats—the carriers of disease and destroyers of grain and livelihood—have been the object of love of and affection of adults and children. And, just like an elephant, just like us, are trying to get by however they can. And if I can get them to concede that, maybe we can move on to bigger things. And we’ll make a deal. I’ll stop reading Yahoo News articles if you stop commenting on them. We’ll both be better for it.

#essays

It’s been 10 years since Prince died of a fentanyl overdose. Fentanyl was also among the drugs that would kill Tom Petty in 2017. Johnson & Johnson, the company that invented fentanyl, paid 5 billion dollars to settle claims against it. Which is significant, but it ain’t gonna bring back Prince, Petty, or any other of the hundreds of thousands of human beings killed by these drugs.

Just had to point that out. Anyway, Sign O’ The Times is one of the best albums ever, as is Dirty Mind. And of course “Purple Rain” is one of the best rock and roll songs ever recorded.

Prince’s output, ‘79-’88 has never been equaled by anyone, including him. In my humble opionion, he never again put out an album that holds up end-to-end as many of the albums from his Golden Age do, but he did release some absolute gems in the 90’s. (Maybe after then too, but I’m only one man! Somebody else is gonna have to do the 2000s). It’s easy to find places to start with Prince’s 70’s and 80’s output, but the 90’s is trickier, so I’m here to help!

(Note—I am not counting the B sides that were released on full length albums for the first time on 1993’s The Hits/The B Sides because most of those are from the 80’s. But I encourage you to check out “Horny Toad,” “Feel U Up,” “Erotic City,” and especially “She’s Always In My Hair.”)

What follows is 80 minutes of Prince goodness as curated by me. I will not assert that my list is definitive because people seem to really respond differently to Prince’s music—I was floored when a ton of people named “Adore” as their favorite of his songs after he died because that’s my least favorite song on Sign O’ The Times. But this is the stuff I like best.

Here’s a link to the Spotify playlist, and yeah, I know Spotify is evil, and I do buy new music on Bandcamp, but I’m not re-buying stuff I already own and I don’t know if there is ethical listening under streaming, but anyway, yeah, if there’s a streaming service that is less evil, let me know.

1. Endorphinmachine—Hard rockin’ party track that opens “The Gold Experience” I like the rockers, what can I say?

2. Gett Off—One of the things I love about Prince is that he was absolutely unafraid to be ridiculous. Which makes even his horniest songs strangely charming.

3. P Control—Prince’s attempt at a feminist anthem, which, okay, I’m not sure it works on that level, but it’s a fun song and finds its way onto my mental jukebox all the freakin’ time.

4. Prettyman—Prince gave most of the songs in this vein to The Time, so it’s fun to see him inhabiting the egotistical Morris Day-esque persona. Also this is funky as hell and Maceo Parker guests on sax!

5. Tangerine—Just a really pretty, melancholy little number.

6. My Computer—though it references outdated technology with the AOL sample, the idea of being lonely and looking for solace on the internet is still incredibly relatable. A duet with Kate Bush, but Prince doesn’t let her shine here.

7. Damned if Eye Do—Prince decided that each of the 3 CDs of the Emancipation album should clock in at exactly 60 minutes, which leads to some songs going on a little longer than they should, as this one does, but I still dig it.

8. In This Bed Eye Scream—Prince doesn’t do vulnerable all that often, (I’m not saying never—there are 2 more examples on this very playlist!) so I find this song about a guy who’s filled with sadness and regret over a breakup and seems to hold out some vain hope that it’s not all over particularly touching.

9. Face Down—a colossal fuck you to everybody who told Prince he couldn’t change his name to that symbol and who basically wrote him off. Also I love when he calls out “Orchestra!” and this cheesy synth riff responds.

10. Love Sign—I dunno—I’m sick of evil knocking on my door, so maybe I relate. Duet with Nona Gaye.

11. Cream—see horny, ridiculous, charming, above.

12. Calhoun Square—a real place in Minneapolis, apparently, but I love the idea of this kind of party utopia. c.f. Utopia’s “One World.”

13. Dolphin—lyrically revisits territory he covered in “I Would Die 4 U,” but the melody is irresistable, and this is one of my favorite Prince guitar solos.

14. The Truth—the best of the solo acoustic songs from the album of the same name. About mortality, and…some other stuff. I love the guitar riff and the vocal here.

15. Eye Love You, But Eye Don’t Trust You Anymore—Prince, piano, and acoustic guitar (courtesy of Ani DiFranco!). I was stunned by this when I first heard it because I think Prince usually hides behind a variety of personas, and this just seemed like a straightforward (and beautifully sad) song about a guy whose heart is breaking.

16. So Far, So Pleased—a new relationship seems to be going well. A fun, upbeat song with an irresistable guitar line. Also a duet with Gwen Stefani, which was a much cooler move in 1999 than it would be now.

17. Gold—I mean, look, yes, it’s clearly an attempt at another “Purple Rain,” and I guess it suffers a little bit in the comparison, but if you just take this as its own song, it’s a pretty groovy anthem. Also I like that he was still swinging or the fences in 1994.

18. Nothing Compares 2 U. Live duet with Rosie Gaines. I used to play this version for musician friends, and when Rosie Gaines’ mic is turned up at the beginning of her verse, they’d go, “wait, is this LIVE?” Yep. That’s just how incredibly tight the NPG was. But also a complete reimagining of the song that is completely different from Sinead O’Connor’s (also excellent) version.

Hurry! The bell is about to ring and that tough class of yours is about to enter the classroom. Your nerves are on edge. You start feeling queasy. Adrenaline makes your heart race and anxiety starts to overwhelm you. What do you do?

Breathe!

4-7-8 method from Dr. Weil.

Breathe in for 4 seconds. Hold your breath for 7 seconds. Release for 8 seconds. Do this for 1 minute.

For the last two minutes, breathe normally. Place your mind on the tip of your nose where air enters and leaves. Try to feel the air coming in and out of your nose. Sounds weird, right? This is meditation. Your mind will keep trying to focus on anxiety, but keep bringing your attention back to this air sensation. If your mind continues to race. Start counting.

Breath in—count your in breaths. 1…2…3…4

Breath out—count your out breaths. 5…6…7..

Do this for 2 minutes. Even if you accomplish 1 focused breath. It could make the difference.

The deep breathing above will help slow down your heartrate and adrenaline. It will help make you feel more calm.

The meditation will create a little space between your anxiety and your mind. This space is like a mini vacation for the mind. Obviously longer sessions are better, but I have meditated for a few minutes and had great results before a stressful class. Try it out for yourself, or download some free meditation apps to help give your mind a break from anxiety. YouTube also has free 3 minute videos to follow.

You will get through this!