I thought I'd start a weekly post to try and get into a rhythm with putting stuff out there again. I only managed to write one post in 2025, even though at the end of 2024 I set a new year's resolution to share more. Let's pretend 2025 didn't happen, and I actually do manage to share more thoughts in 2026.

What I've been reading this week

I'm currently reading at least four books in parallel:

• How Life Works by Philip Ball
• Introduction to biotechnology by William J. Thieman
• The PARA Method by Tiago Forte
• Behemoth by Joshua B. Freeman

Reading the first two books in parallel is actually quite fun. How Life Works is a narrative of what we know about biology and DNA, and it's a nice contrast to the textbook style of Introduction to Biotechnology that just describes everything matter-of-factly. Philip Ball was an editor the journal Nature for over twenty years, so when he describes things like introns you get to learn how we came to know they exist and how much exactly we know about them, instead of just seeing them annotated in a figure with a short explanation. I even learned that there is a Star Trek TNG episode called Genesis (Season 7, Episode 19) where crew members have their introns activated at random, causing them to devolve.

The PARA Method is a way of organizing digital information by Tiago Forte, the same guy who wrote Building a Second Brain. It's a short read, and I hope to be able to apply the methods in the book successfully. Something from the book that I found insightful is that it takes time and effort to make private notes shareable. Without adding context and additional definitions, private notes won't make much sense for others. For that reason, it makes most sense to put it the time and effort to share your notes when they're about something you're working on collaboratively with others.

Behemoth is about manufacturing, and it's taking me a while to get through it. I've thought about just abandoning it a couple of times, but every time I read from it I do feel like I'm learning something.

Highlights from this week

And with that I don't necessarily mean personal highlights, but things I've highlighted in articles or books I've read.

From How I rebooted my social life:

If I wanted a community, then I could build it myself. I mean, in principle, it shouldn’t be too hard to do. Community has been the foundation of all of human society since the dawn of our species, so the playbook for how to build one had already been figured out. I think it boils down to a few key ingredients: a community needs a common connection or interest. It needs a place for people to interact informally. And it needs a mechanism for new people to join, to prevent it from decaying over time.

From The Punk Rock Good Life:

Reading books before bed serves me. Doomscrolling doesn’t. Cooking hearty, protein-rich, simple meals serves me. Doomscrolling doesn’t. Buying new stuff rarely serves me, while repurposing old stuff or making my own stuff generally does.

Thoughts

I don't know if anyone else would find these writings useful. I'm not really planning on starting a newsletter – I just want a place to record what I'm doing, and do so publicly so that I'm forced to make it somewhat coherent. If there's ways you think I can improve, let me know in the comments!

Lydia's Weekly Lifestyle blog is for today's African girl, so no subject is taboo. My purpose is to share things that may interest today's African girl.

This week's contributors: Lydia, Pépé Pépinière, Titi. This week's subjects: 2026 Trends to expect in West Africa. Part 2, Waist Beads: More Than Just Jewelry, HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus), and Breakfast to Breakfast (B2B)

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2026 Trends to expect in West Africa. Part 2. 2026 in West Africa is all about pride, innovation, and self-expression. Whether you're stepping into the boardroom in a neo-Ankara suit or strolling through Osu, Victoria Island, or Plateau in breezy resort wear, one thing is clear: West Africa is ready to serve looks that speak boldly, culturally, and globally. Ready to create the next trend? The year is yours. The “Sustainable but Stylish” Revolution Eco-conscious fashion is no longer niche. In 2026, expect: Upcycled denim with patchwork artistry. Jute and kenaf fabrics reimagined for chic tailoring. Plant-dyed textiles. Circular fashion markets expanding across Accra, Lagos, and Abidjan. West Africans are embracing sustainability — but still slaying. Metallic Moments & Futuristic Glam: Nightlife fashion is stepping into the future. Think liquid metallic dresses, chrome-detail agbadas, iridescent mesh overlays, and holographic mini-bags. When the sun sets, West Africa is turning up the shine. Afro-Minimalism Rising: After years of maximalism, a calm wave is coming. Expect clean silhouettes, earthy tones, simple gold jewellery, and architectural garments inspired by modern African art. Afro-minimalism is for the chic, subtle, well-curated dresser. Streetwear with Heritage: West African streetwear is absorbing cultural inspo like never before — adinkra symbols, Fulani shapes, Tuareg indigo traditions, northern embroidery motifs, Ga prints, Yoruba bead colour codes. Young creatives are blending heritage and hype to produce streetwear that’s cultural, cool, and ready for global runways. Beauty Trends: Soft Glow + Bold Statements 2026 beauty in West Africa brings: Glass-skin-inspired melanin glow Chrome eyelids Brown ombré lips Sculptural braids and Fulani-inspired cornrows Ultra-short natural cuts Henna artistry returns in mainstream fashion. Community-Driven Fashion: Expect more fashion pop-ups, mobile ateliers, and community design collectives. West Africa’s fashion scene is becoming more collaborative, accessible, and youth-driven — and 2026 will be its most exciting year yet.

Waist Beads: More Than Just Jewelry. Waist beads are more than decorative accessories; they carry deep cultural, emotional and personal meaning for many women. Rooted in African traditions, they symbolize femininity, sensuality, protection, and self-awareness. But in this generation, ladies like to expose the waist beads by wearing it on their tummy, under a cropped top for others to see. What is really the right way to wear a waist bead? The right way to wear waist beads is to allow them to rest naturally on the waist or hips without squeezing the body or causing discomfort. They are traditionally worn directly on bare skin, hidden under clothing, so they move freely with the posture and body changes. We were made to believe that these waist beads helps give nice body shapes. How true is that? For some yes, and for some no. Some women choose fitted waist bead to help track weight fluctuations, while others prefer loose styles for comfort and self-expression. However they are worn, waist beads serve as a quiet reminder to honor the female body, embrace confidence, and celebrate beauty in its natural form.

HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a virus that attacks the immune system, the part of your body that fights sickness. If it's not treated, it can make your body very weak. HIV spreads through certain body fluids like blood, semen, vaginal fluids, rectal fluids and breast milk. This can happen through unprotected sex, sharing needles, or from a mother to her baby during pregnancy, birth or breastfeeding. At first, some people might feel like they have the flu, with fever, tiredness or body pain but many don't notice any symptoms for years. If HIV is not treated, it can turn into AIDS, which is when the immune system becomes very weak and serious infections can happen easily. There's no cure yet, but treatment called ART (antiretroviral therapy) can control the virus, keep people healthy and reduce the chance of passing it to others. You can protect yourself by using condoms, not sharing needles, getting tested regularly and taking PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) if you are at a high risk.

Breakfast to Breakfast (B2B), 6th Street off Osu Oxford Street, Accra. I recently ate at Breakfast to Breakfast at Osu and it was great. I had their Full English Breakfast with eggs, bacon, sausage, grilled tomatoes and toast. It was filling, tasty and cooked just right. They really blend breakfast with lunch and with snack options, so you can go there any time of day for different kinds of food, from pizza and wraps to wings and fresh juices. The menu is more diverse and good for breakfast, lunch or a casual dinner. The staff were friendly, the atmosphere was relaxed and the prices were fair. I'd definitely go back for another breakfast or late-night bite!

Lydia...

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Ignition in the darkness bleeds light.

There is a knowing that that cannot be spoken— only entered.

Quietly crossed rubicon. Impossible distance, Collapsed to acceptance.

In a fantasy, resistance faltered And heat pressed in soft places Want squeezing in, naming voids.

Now; this life feels bound, in stasis years held, Ache pressing ache, without pretense.

Upon a time, tomorrow was lived for glory deferred, Endings promised by heaven.

Sunrise 'pon sunrise hopes: Your breath, Your nearness, Your sight,

smallest of proofs of life.

I am undone by you, Fears fulfilled Pull named in earnest.

And still, I remain. I want.

So we have just celebrated the New Year and I'm now trying to get a great setup for work.

Last year I gradually moved away from Obsidian, which had been my primary solution for managing knowledge. The main reason was the difficulty of using it across multiple devices. Their sync service was inefficient to handle conflicts and missing files, which occurred due to a security strategy of keeping my vault inside a VeraCrypt encrypted volume. Git Plugin was a great syncing alternative and presented no problem to me since I'm a power user but I ran into a serious limitations when trying to replicate the same secure setup on Android. As I couldn't install and use git properly in my smartphone along with encrypted volumes, I concluded that my Personal Knowledge Manager (PKM) should run as a web service.

I tried running Obsidian in a container using unofficial web server deployments, but the setup was fragile. Logseq was another option I had known for some time but they switched their storage strategy from a file-based system to a database, which doesn't fit my preference of using git and IDE to manage my content.

At the end of December, while searching for info about web access on the Obsidian Forum, I discovered Silver Bullet through a user suggestion. At first it seemed incomplete compared to Obsidian, but after taking a deeper look I realized it currently aligns better with what I expect from a PKM.

Silver Bullet Strong Points:

• Built as a Web Service and Container-friendly, was very easy to run
• Handles authentication, providing a necessary layer of security for those who want to access their deployment through the Internet
• Native query language, opposed to Obsidian that needs plugins to do so
• Fully Open Souce Software (FOSS)

It shares other functionalities that Obsidian have:

• a file based storage layer, which is very friendly to manage the same way as we do with code
• Extensible through addons (called plugs by the Silver Bullet Community)
• WYSIWYG live preview page while editing

Some functionality that currently I couldn't find yet on Silver Bullet

• Publishing options and how they could be managed within the app.
• A Notion database strategy to handle tables was recently implemented in Obsidian as Bases, I‘m not sure whether Silver Bullet has something similar implemented or if it’s on their Roadmap.
• In Obsidian, I had to use a lot of scripting to achieve a native behavior in Logseq which is to automatically aggregate content related to a page inside the page (i.e., pages with dynamic content loading). This seems to be a tracked feature because of this ongoing discussion

Well.. regarding to publishing, Today I discovered Write.as service and it matches what I’m looking for: simpler, clean pages with less distraction or intrusion. This aligns with my core values.

So this new year begins with some new cool tools to test. And it's only January 2nd!

Let's see what more will be uncovered to us in the next chapter.

Bye! Best Regards!

Endurance is not the same as living.

Written in moments of existential crisis just before dawn on a cold winter Thursday while I am living the dream of a lifetime by rooting in Madrid for a month. Proof that our state of mind and our state of being are often disconnected.

—

We all live with something. None are whole. It is the great tragedy of our times that we can only see the outside, while the whole of existence generates in the unseen. Everyone hides somewhere. Under the rock of achievement, or in the cave of inebriation, wrapped in the blanket of transitory relationships, possibly under the rug of a creative life—or worst of all, tenacious progress through accepting things that should change. That need to.

Wolf? A lifetime lived in pain, punctuated by moments of anesthesia—brief mercies that soothe the scared little boy pulling strings from inside this aging hulk. The body greys, wrinkles, loosens its grip. It breaks down honestly. But the masters of fear do not age. Infinite creatures, they who refine—grow sharper, more intimate, more convincing.

The scared boy in me never stopped working. He learned early that survival meant vigilance, that relief came only in flashes: desire, touch, meaning, feeling useful. Not healing—just enough quiet to keep breathing. Keep spinning the wheel. So he stayed at the controls long past the point of reason, long past the point of strength.

Now the fears, honed to a razors edge, speak softly. They sound like wisdom. They say this is what a life amounts to: endurance, longing, small anesthetics against a vast ache. They insist there was never another way.

We cannot avoid this. Only go through it. How we hold ourselves is the only power we have against the scared marionette. I don't know if we can cut the strings and set the boy free—that feels like an impossible effort. Some lucky few, find the right key to their own lock. A soul who can open them, see us objectively and, honestly, tell us that we're okay.

If you find that rareness, and it is exceedingly rare, hold on. Trust it. Reciprocate. We are too hurried in our lives to take the time we need to find the keys to our locks and so we quickly align with the wrong key, or even other locks. Injustice of the worst kind: chosen and abided because that is the way.

But, do not despair, little bird. If you shroud your darkness, your fear under the comfort of little anesthesia's, life is not over. Just more difficult than it need be.

Sometimes—rarely—there is a moment of seeing. The strings. The hands that pull them. The difference between pain and identity. In that moment, the boy pauses. The body breathes. And the future, for just an instant, is not foreclosed—only unnamed.

Remember those moments. Our futures are not what we fear, what we carry. They are what we shape. Work to shape them in the light.

---

Thirty long winters tilling the fields— blackrime hands, raw and crooked, eyes set in hoarfrost, mouth grim: one more row.

Bent, elbow-deep, blind to the ebonblack sun slipping upward into a charcoal sky, a darker shadow, a blinding light: one more row.

Dove-grey soil under hand, warmed, releases a long sigh and up rises one palegreen sprout: ah.

Thirty more winters for the black sun to rise, melt eyefrost, and bring her flower to bear.

One more row.

Another year, but not like those of the past. This one was focused on my present, and future.

Admittedly, I sometimes feel a weird pressure when it comes to these “year end” posts. On one hand, I don't want to write just a few paragraphs, otherwise my life seems pretty boring, right? On the other hand, I don't want it to feel like a forced homework assignment.

But, in the end, I do like reflecting on some of the bigger things that have happened in the year. So with that, here are some highlights from my year.

Professional Break

At the beginning of the year, I had a very active coaching practice. There were many parts that I enjoyed, mostly, the people. It was also fun to think creatively and help them with some big wins.

Some of my achievements from coaching include doubling the revenue of several clients in just one year, coaching a client to $20K in a single day with a simple tactic, and helping another to a 7-figure buyout.

But in the end, I sort of burnt myself out from coaching, and I wanted to focus on my personal health and well-being without the pressures that come with a service-oriented business. So, I closed up shop to take an entrepreneurial sabbatical.

Adjusting to My New Reality

On the surface, not doing anything seems like it would be easy. However, it's quite the opposite. Initially, I struggled with the idle time. It took a little while for me to finally quiet and control my mind and to not feel a constant sense of urgency.

Today, I enjoy this new pace of life. I'm focusing on my health with sustainable exercise and physical therapy for nagging injuries.

One of the things I've started to do is post regularly on LinkedIn. I've enjoyed that, as it has given me a chance to explore my original entrepreneurial passion: elearning.

I get sometimes asked if I'm planning a “return” to that space. I don't know if I'm honest, but I'm open to it. And to clarify, it would be in elearning, not WordPress.

Personal Side of Things

The beginning of 2025 was front-loaded with trips, but even after those were over, we still managed to stay busy with visits from family during the second half of the year. In addition to coming and going, there were other little noteworthy events in my personal life as well.

• I started the year by mostly abandoning my Twitter account. Twitter was a big part of my past, but I decided it best to move on. I've pivoted mostly to LinkedIn for business and Mastodon for occasional personal posts.

• In February, I turned 40. I'm so grateful that I have made it this far, as many aren't so lucky.

• We finally sold our home after 10 long (and stressful) months.

• We moved to a new area and into our new home. It took a year, but we finally finished all the initial design projects.

• We took a trip to Sedona which turned out to be quite enlightening. I reflect upon this trip often.

• Shortly after Sedona, we went to Mexico for a week. It was nice, but unfortunately we came back with a awful bout of COVID (our first time getting it).

• We celebrated four years of marriage.

• I made the adult decision to end my time with BJJ after constantly battling injuries. That was harder than I thought. I never could get going with it, if I'm honest.

• We went to Hawaii for two-weeks. It was absolutely incredible. We embraced nature and each other. It was probably the best vacation we have taken as a couple. We plan to make a return.

• I wrote the most important blog post I've ever written regarding the relationship between alcohol and entrepreneurship.

• I was a guest lecturer at my alma mater.

• Over the summer and fall, we hosted a lot of family. My sister-in-law and her boyfriend came for a summer trip, my parents and in-laws each came twice, and Lorena's entire family came for the holidays.

Overall, there were plenty of laughs and intimate memories that I cherished the past year. Of course, I enjoy the big events, but I really appreciate the life that happens in small moments, because that is where life is lived the most.

2026 Will Be Life Changing

I'm not big on making predictions, and I've sort of gotten away from making formal resolutions, but I know that this year will be a monumental year for us.

I was bad at documenting everything from this year, especially in the second half of the year. I took a step back from everything and focused inward.

But that will change a bit in 2026, I'm sure of it!

#personal

Le petit cabaret des morts est le septième roman appartenant au cycle romanesque Le Rêve du Démiurge de Francis Berthelot.

Eté 1988. À Viervy, petite ville des Alpes, Yorenn et Romain Algeiba, sœur et frère acrobates, se vouent une passion excessive ... À Viervy, lieu de heurt du monde réel et de l’au-delà, vit Alvar Cuervos, fils d’un démon et d’une bohémienne, assistant du secret docteur Malejour. À Viervy, l’amour qui naît entre Alvar et Yorenn, opposés à tout point de vue, engendre le drame : la jalousie destructrice de Romain, le délire de Malejour aveuglé par science et pouvoir, la duplicité d’Alvar, les violences de Yorenn déchirée entre des idéaux contraires, tout se ligue contre eux — et d’abord eux-mêmes. À Viervy, les âmes des morts sont l’enjeu du conflit qui divise les vivants. La guerre s’installe, tributaire des passions des uns et des autres. À Viervy, le merveilleux spectacle qu’Alvar monte dans son Petit Cabaret ne livre rien au public du drame qui se joue en coulisse. Combat des vivants contre les vivants, des vivants contre les morts, des morts contre les morts, l’affrontement finit par s’étendre aux forces telluriques ...

Jusqu’ici, les premiers romans du cycle pouvaient quasiment se lire de façon indépendante. On retrouvait des personnages d’un livre à l’autre, tel personnage principal d’un roman pouvant apparaître dans un rôle secondaire dans un autre roman, ou inversement, mais chaque livre contenait un récit autonome, sans que l’on soit contraint de lire les précédents pour l’apprécier.

Avec ce septième roman du cycle, c’est moins vrai. Le petit cabaret des mots se présente plus clairement comme la continuité de Hadès Palace. On retrouve à la fois des personnages et des éléments d’intrigue du roman précédent, et il me parait difficile de profiter pleinement de celui-ci sans avoir lu son prédécesseur.

À mes yeux, ce roman entame une convergence entre les différents personnages et les diverses lignes narratives des romans précédents, comme si tout était plus ou moins lié d’une façon ou d’une autre. Je ne sais pas si mon impression est la bonne et si elle se confirmera dans les deux derniers romans du cycle, les prochains jours le diront.

Je dois tout de même dire que j’ai été un peu déçu par ce roman. Ce n’est pas mauvais, on retrouve tout de même le style à la fois onirique et puissant de Francis Berthelot, mais le récit m’a parfois semblé partir un peu dans tous les sens. Finalement, j’ai l’impression que c’est le roman dont j’ai le moins apprécié la lecture depuis le début du cycle. Je suis serein sur le fait que ce n’est qu’un petit passage à vide et que je vais retrouver mon enthousiasme dès que le prochain roman.

#gyushuahighschool

Ditinggalkan begitu saja tanpa penjelasan lebih, Mingyu sebagai si dewasa lah yang terpaksa mengambil alih. “Ah...sekarang kita ke kelas dulu aja ya?” meski dengan hati agak berat, dia tersenyum. Separuh kasihan, separuhnya masih ngang-ngong-ngang-ngong akan kejadian barusan. Bisa-bisanya kakaknya mendadak menaruh tanggung jawab begini besar ke pundak Mingyu di hari Senin yang cerah ini.

Anak bernama Joshua itu pun mengangguk. Bersamaan dengan rombongan guru lainnya, mereka melintasi koridor sekolah yang telah sepi. Para murid telah berada di kelas masing-masing dan menanti kedatangan guru mereka. Mingyu dan Joshua berjalan dalam diam. Lembut sinar mentari membanjiri lantai yang mereka pijak, ditemani bunyi sepatu menapak satu langkah demi satu langkah. Sebuah keheningan yang, secara absurd, bisa dibilang nyaman.

“Kamu di negara ini sendirian?”

Joshua mengangguk.

“Apa nggak apa-apa? Maksud saya, apa orangtuamu—”

“Orangtuaku udah nggak ada, Sen,” potong si anak. Intonasinya tetap tenang seperti sebelumnya. “Sen nggak usah cemas. Aku udah biasa sendirian. Kalo Sen keganggu dan mau aku tinggal di luar sebenernya nggak apa-apa sih. Tadi aku mikirin duitnya aja. Cuma kata Choi-sen sekolah mau bayarin, so...”

Kalimatnya terputus. Pas Joshua menoleh, dilihatnya Mingyu sudah memandanginya dengan ketidak setujuan terpampang jelas di mata. “Saya bukannya keganggu. Sama sekali bukan. Maaf sudah berasumsi seenaknya. Saya nggak ada maksud menyinggung atau apa,” tatapnya serius, menegaskan bahwa ucapannya tulus. Joshua rasanya pingin mendengus geli. “Kalo begitu keadaannya, oke, saya yang akan jadi keluarga kamu di sini.”

GREK!

Pintu geser terbuka. Mereka sudah sampai di ambang pintu kelas. Mingyu sontak melontarkan selayang pandang ke anak-anak muridnya yang buru-buru kembali ke tempat duduknya masing-masing. “Kwon Soonyoung! Balik ke meja kamu sekarang!” ancamnya sambil bercanda, yang dibalas anak itu dengan cengiran jahil. Dia melangkah masuk, sama sekali nggak sadar kalau Joshua masih memandanginya dengan bola mata melebar dan pipi bersemu.

...Sen tadi bilang apa? batin si anak. Meski begitu, dia segera menggeleng membuang pemikirannya barusan. Kim-sen pasti nggak ada maksud selain bantuin dirinya saja. Pasti. Dia pun ikut melangkah masuk.

Setelah menulis namanya di papan tulis menggunakan kapur—baik nama asli maupun nama panggilannya—Joshua tersenyum pada semua orang di situ. Auranya penuh dengan kepercayaan diri. “Hi, guys! Namaku Hong Jisoo, tapi panggil aja Joshua. Aku di negara ini nggak kenal siapa-siapa, jadi kalo kalian semua bisa jadi temen pertamaku, kayaknya aku bakal seneng banget,” cengirannya lebar. “Oh iya, jujur aku nggak begitu tau budaya ato kebiasaan di sini. Kalo aku ada salah ngomong ato berbuat yang nggak wajar menurut kalian, plis kasih tau ya. Jangan dibully juga akunya, hatiku rapuh hiks.” Sambil pura-pura mengusap air mata nggak kasat mata, dia memancing gelak tawa dari seisi kelas.

“Iya, tenang aja, Joshi, ntar kita bully kok!” lantang seseorang menyeloroh. Orang itu berpipi bulat dan bermata sipit. “Eh nggak apa kan gue panggil Joshi?”

Joshua, ikut terkekeh, menjawab, “ Santai. Asal nggak dipanggil 'Sayang' mah aman. But I can think about it after a dinner date and a forehead kiss.” Dikedipkannya satu mata dan anak lelaki itu tertawa makin kencang.

“Baik, baik,” Mingyu mencoba menenangkan keriuhan yang mulai meluas. “Tolong dibantu ya teman barunya, anak-anak. Untuk bangku, sepertinya sebelah Soonyoung...”

“Sini! Di sini aja, Sen!” anak yang sama mengangkat lengannya tinggi, dengan ceria menawarkan bangku sebelahnya. “Lam kenal, Joshi, gue Kwon Soonyoung. Panggil gue Hoshi juga boleh! Semuanya manggil gue kayak gitu.”

“Oh?” sambil berjalan menuju bangkunya, Joshua lanjut mengobrol. “Hoshi? That's cute. Joshi and Hoshi, huh?” Tawanya lepas saat dia duduk dan Soonyoung langsung menepuk pundaknya ringan. “Salam kenal juga, Hoshi. Mohon dibantu ya.”

“Beres~” cengir si anak. “Nanti makan siang ikut gue aja. Abis makan gue anterin keliling sekolah kalo lo mau.”

Joshua tersenyum, “Mau banget. Thanks.”

Mingyu memperhatikan interaksi tersebut dengan senyuman tipis, diam-diam menghela napas yang entah sejak kapan tertahan. Setiap ada perubahan terjadi di ruang kelasnya, sebagai seorang guru, adalah wajar baginya untuk memantau bagaimana muridnya menerima perubahan tersebut. Sepertinya dia nggak perlu cemas kali ini. “Nah, kita mulai aja ya pelajarannya,” diangkatnya buku teks bersamaaan dengan anak-anak yang juga mempersiapkan catatan mereka. “Buka halaman—”

cuando terminaron las fiestas observó que sus ojos / los ojos de cerca estaban secos

I was really mad at E today, and to me it felt like she just kept fucking up. I realized at some point that I was just very hurt, and that I was kinda taking it out on her. But after she left me on read for 40 minutes and I was livid, she sent me a text saying that she needed me to listen and understand, and I took those 20 minutes while she was getting ready to call to put myself in her shoes. Before she sent that text, I was wondering how I could possibly put aside my anger, but after seeing that she had something she needed to get off her chest, something snapped (in a good way). I realized that she hadn’t asked for that before, and it suddenly dawned on me that it had been an incredibly stressful and painful month for her, and she hadn’t talked about any of her feelings. She had been bottling things up the whole time, and it finally was too much, and she was terrified because she had felt like it was selfish and not ok for her to take up space, given that she fucked up and was trying to make up for it. That broke my heart, since even though I want my own pain to be addressed, it shouldn't have come at her cost. We talked for a while, and there are a lot of things that I realized I had said while hurting, and I forced her to shoulder that pain without her bringing it up. She didn't feel like she could talk to me about that stuff, and I really regret that because I want her to know that she absolutely can. All of my anger almost immediately dissipated because I realized the version of me that was being mad at her was just the version of childhood me that was hurting from the neglect and the pattern from my parents. I did my best to fully give her a conversation where she felt like she could finally let go of a lot of that grief that she'd been holding on to silently. And overall, it was incredibly good. I think it's weird because somehow seeing that she had been hurting this whole time got rid of so much of my anger. I think it really made me realize how. I was really just beating up on someone who loves me so much, and while I understand that I'm hurting, I never want to hurt her. I want to be her peace, not the source of her pain.