Day 2 of #AdventOfProgress has translations as the main topic. I want the app to support at least German and English.

Because I'm already quite familiar with next-intl, I've chosen react-i18next as the internationalization tool for this app. Which worked quite nicely. And the API looks quite similar to next-intl.

Not much to say here. I've spent around 1 hr implementing this. A big chunk of the time was wasted on a dynamic import, where I tried, out of muscle memory, to dynamically load the JSON files with the translations. Implementing dynamic loading of languages has, at this state of the app, no real impact. So I ditched dynamic loading in favor of statically loading the 2 languages.

That's it for today.

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60 of #100DaysToOffload
#log #AdventOfProgress
Thoughts?

Morning blaze: Silhouetted branches against a fiery sunrise sky, painting a dramatic beginning to the day.

#photography #photos #landscape

This morning I proactively made breakfast for my son: pancakes with butter and a little sprinkling of sugar. As soon as he got into the kitchen and saw it, he complained and said he wanted “mini pizza” instead. Of course. Of course, this happens the day that I proactively try to make breakfast for him. Tomorrow I'll ask him when he wakes up before making anything.

A consequence of this event is that, I now have to eat the pancakes for breakfast. I wasn't just gonna throw it away. So I ate it. It did taste good though.

The difference between eating pancakes versus eggs for breakfast, is that I'm hungry 2 hours earlier. I'm having to snack already before my morning meetings. I usually can last close to lunch time without snacking. But not today. It's because the pancakes just don't have enough protein and fat to keep me full for a longer period of time.

#Journal

Silence stops being scary when you realize it’s not emptiness — it’s space you finally own.

The Christian liturgical season of Advent might be my favorite period of practice in the year. Anticipatory awe side-by-side with anticipatory joy, all bundled in the profound awareness of how much of the world is desperately awaiting relief of one sort or another. The need for food, shelter, companionship, and all kinds of safety are highlighted by the conspicuous consumption, overindulgence, illusions of peace, and chasing of happiness that seem to mark the end of the year in our broader culture. So many people are waiting on a hope that often feels like it may never come.

Adopting a posture of humility, patience, and wonder in response to the deeply worn ruts of our conditioned thinking and old habits, is a radical departure from the going along to get along that seems to be the prescription for these weeks. Waiting in hope might be the very medicine that striving in anxiety calls for.

There are plenty of reasons why anxiety can spike this time of the year. From the pressure to avoid conflict as family and friends engage in rhythms of gathering and celebrating, to the retailers praying to end the year in positive financial territory, to fundraisers hoping to remind all of us that giving generously will lift our spirits and provide a huge portion of their operating expenses in the year ahead. Whether December 31st marks the end, the end of the beginning, or the beginning of the end, so many of us are tracking goals and objectives.

Even neighbors in deep need are paying close attention to how much medical spending they can do with their remaining benefits (perhaps as an uninsured year ahead looms large), and households who rely on cold weather rules are hoping for a chance at survival by securing one of the limited number of emergency rooms for the winter. If anything, it seems like hesitating could cost some of us everything.

Contemplation that loses the capacity to be moved into loving action, especially life saving loving action, ceases to be of much value. It follows that the essential things ought to be done, even when the invitation to a posture of waiting is so strong. Discernment between what is necessary and sufficient, and what is wanted and superfluous will be of great significance here.

With that said, I invite you into the season of waiting, and the opportunity to set things down in order that you might experience the fruits of this practice more fully.

Practices:

• An Advent Wreath- putting up a wreath with four candles creates an opportunity to count down slowly, especially if you linger on each candle for every day of that week, rather than just making note of the passing time on Sundays. The nightly lighting can make room for a period of prayer and reflection, and is a perfect time to examine our consciousness for the ways we engaged the season that day.
• Centering Prayer- abiding with God in the silence is always a beautiful idea, and in this time of waiting we can experience the tender pull between the Holy One who is already deeply present, and the further expression of that presence that we long for.
• Devotions- the daily office is full of seasonal content that will enrich this time, but if that’s not one of your practices, these four weeks can be a time to engage in reading brief devotions. See an example here.
• Embrace the Earth- is the Summer Solstice drawing near as spring lengthens into the heart of growing season? Perhaps you’re contending with snow, ice, and long hours of darkness. Whatever is happening, take time to simply observe, and be present to those changes. Let your heart take inspiration from the simultaneous holiness of darkness and light, warmth and cold, rest and revival.
• A Nativity Set- this tangible reminder of the miraculous littleness and humility of it all can be a powerful experience. Consider building it piece by piece as the days go by.
• Meditate on Incarnation- the central miracle of the coming Christmas season, Emmanuel (God-With-Us) invites all sorts of creative pondering. I like to wonder which of the water bottle in the kitchen or in the aisle in the store secretly has the ocean hidden inside it. Whether it’s cherishing something in your heart, exploring it on journal pages, or making art that expresses the beautiful impossibility of it all, this theme holds infinite possibility.

I hope these ideas are a good starting point for you, as you tackle what must be done, and make space for what can be surrendered to the practice of holy waiting.

Neera Tanden, president of Center for American Progress, asks a question of Gov. Tim Walz (D-MN), 13 June 2025. Questions are fine, just not in headlines. (Photo: A. Kotok)

Here's an easy way to get through your daily media reading. Ignore stories, analyses, or opinion pieces with a headline as a question. Really.

This advice is based on my definiton of news: developments that tangibly affect the human condition. If the story reports on something important, the headline will say so.

I used this definition of news to produce Science & Enterprise for 13 years. Something real had to happen: e.g., research published, clinical trial begun, grant awarded, investment secured. As a result, S&E story headlines were in the form of declarative statements, not questions.

If a piece has a headline as a question, it's a good bet that writing is either click-bait or has little that's new. And if there's nothing really new, just more questions, you're probably wasting your time.

Now please understand: There's nothing wrong with raising questions. But if you're raising questions, at least try to provide some answers.

Give this advice a try for one or two days. You will be amazed just how much of your daily reading you can cut out. And you won't miss any real news: developments that tangibly affect the human condition. The only question will be: What will you do with that spare time?

Copyright © Technology News and Literature. All rights reserved.

On this earth there are very few things I would call perfect, It’s not for being picky but rather my strict definition of perfection. Contemplative mornings are something I consider close to faultless, To awake before your part of the world stirs awake and the humdrum of daily life deafens the sound of anything resembling nature. In the morning you can hear the birds gossip, willow trees gently whispering and feel the dew gently dropping from it’s precarious position a long the gentle curvature of a blade of grass. Mornings like this bring me a lot of introspection, It can very often feel like an exercise in meditation, it’s easier to have a still mind when the world around your mind is still. The perfect morning doesn’t mean you’re going to have amazing day or an easy time managing your thoughts, It just means that you’re giving yourself an advantageous advantage. The world comes at you fast and inundates you with so much information, protect your peace and your contemplative mornings folks.

Here is a summary of the statement issued by various Latin American organizations that focus on the intersection of technology and the environment, which participated in the recent COP in Belém, Brazil. The full version of the statement can be found here.

Although Artificial Intelligence (AI) had been considered in previous COPs, COP30, which took place in Belém, Brazil, in November 2025, marked a significant new phase in climate discussions. For the first time, AI was systematically included in the COP’s Action Agenda as a strategic theme.

However, despite the strong enthusiasm around AI's promises to help tackle climate change at COP30, very little attention was given to the other side of the AI ecosystem: its environmental impacts. Only a few side events and press conferences drew attention to how AI models and the infrastructures that power them are responsible for emitting high levels of CO₂ into the atmosphere and have also led to a heightened demand for minerals, water, and energy.

At the end of COP30 and in the context of the political discussions that must continue to be developed in future editions of the COP, we would like to express the following concerns regarding the public discourse on AI in the context of the climate and ecological crisis:

1. Artificial Intelligence is not a techno-solution to the climate and ecological crisis; moreover, AI increases the use of fossil fuels, raises greenhouse gas emissions, and thus jeopardizes the climate goals of countries with the highest concentration of AI data centers, such as China, the United States and the European Union. COP climate policies cannot be based on marketing discourse, lobbying, or magical thinking promoted by technology companies, but rather on current independent scientific evidence.

2. Artificial Intelligence is not just another natural resource or an inevitable force. Its use, adoption, and marketing in all aspects of political, social, and economic life is driven by its owners, a handful of large and powerful technology companies (concentrated mainly in two countries, the United States and China) whose incentive is to expand their capital, not to mitigate the climate and ecological crisis. COP climate policies cannot be designed to serve the economic well-being of this handful of already powerful companies: this encourages the concentration of power and dangerously strengthens their role, especially in other low-income and developing countries.

3. AI generates socio-environmental impacts far beyond CO₂ emissions. As multiple international reports based on scientific evidence show, AI is an industry that requires numerous minerals, large amounts of land, and vast quantities of fresh water and energy, which is causing a series of socio-environmental impacts around the world that go beyond Scope 1 CO₂ emissions – also demanding a serious accounting of Scope 3, the category that exposes the full lifecycle impacts across mining, supply chains, manufacturing and end-of-life. Yet COP30’s outcomes did not meaningfully incorporate these impacts, leaving a major gap in how countries assess and report the climate footprint of digital infrastructure. Looking forward, it is essential that national climate commitments (Nationally Determined Contributions – NDCs) explicitly include the emissions and resource use associated with data centers and AI supply chains, ensuring transparency and accountability in a sector whose climate impact is rapidly expanding. We are concerned that decision-makers believe that these impacts can be miraculously solved by technological innovation alone, which the evidence rules out, for example, given Jevons' paradox in AI.

4. AI’s hunger for energy threatens a just energy transition. As one of the most energy-intensive industries of the 21st century, the genuine interest of the companies behind AI at the COP is to secure access to fossil fuels in the short term and renewables in the medium term, the latter being considered a techno-solution to their CO₂ emissions, ignoring the social, economic, and environmental costs that renewable energy production currently entails, especially in communities that have not caused the climate and ecological crisis. The AI's appetite for renewable energy is such that, without political and democratic mediation, we denounce that the energy transition, especially in developing countries, will be designed for the needs of a handful of foreign technology corporations rather than for local communities and industries.

5. Governments must protect their people and ecosystems, not the industry interests. We urge decision-makers in national governments, particularly in developing countries participating in the COP, to reaffirm their commitment to scientific evidence and the well-being of their communities, biodiversity, and local industries. It is essential not to adopt AI uncritically. We are at a critical juncture in addressing the climate and ecological crisis, and any enhancement of AI without proper regulatory, socio-environmental and ethical checks will only strengthen the power of global tech corporations, ultimately undermining climate ambitions worldwide.

Signed by:

• The Latin American Institute for Terraforming
• Law and Technology Research Institute of Recife (IP.rec)
• Coding Rights
• Laboratory of Public Policy and Internet – LAPIN
• Brazilian Institute for Consumer Protection – Idec
• Heinrich Böll Foundation

#English

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When light is rejected, what is chosen—is the darkness.

Isaiah 3

NARRATOR:


For look! the true Lord, Jehovah of armies, 
is removing from Jerusalem and Judah every kind of support and supply—
all support of bread and water. Mighty man and warrior, 
judge and prophet, diviner and elder, 
chief of fifty, dignitary, and adviser, 
the expert magician and the skilled charmer—
all will be taken away.

JEHOVAH:

I will make boys their princes, 
and the unstable will rule over them.

NARRATOR:


The people will oppress one another, 
each one his fellow man.
The boy will assault the old man, 
and the lightly esteemed one will defy the respected one. Each one will take hold of his brother in his father’s house and say:

PEOPLE:


“You have a cloak—you be our commander.
Take charge of this overthrown pile of ruins.”

NARRATOR:


But he will protest in that day:

BROTHER:


“I will not be your wound dresser; 
I have no food or clothing in my house.
Do not make me commander over the people.” For Jerusalem has stumbled, 
and Judah has fallen, 
because in word and deed they are against Jehovah; 
they behave defiantly in his glorious presence. The expression of their faces testifies against them, 
and they proclaim their sin like Sodom; 
they do not try to hide it.
Woe to them, for they are bringing disaster on themselves! Tell the righteous that it will go well for them; 
they will be rewarded for what they do.
Woe to the wicked one!
Disaster will befall him, 
for what his hands have done will be done to him. As for my people, their taskmasters are abusive, 
 and women rule over them.
My people, your leaders are causing you to wander, 
 and they confuse the direction of your paths.

NARRATOR:


Jehovah is taking his position to accuse; 
he is standing up to pass sentence on peoples.
Jehovah will enter into judgment with the elders and princes of his people.

JEHOVAH:


“You have burned down the vineyard, 
and what you have stolen from the poor is in your houses.
How dare you crush my people 
and grind the faces of the poor in the dirt?”

NARRATOR:


Jehovah says:

JEHOVAH:


“Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, 
walking with their heads high, 
flirting with their eyes, skipping along, 
making a tinkling sound with their anklets, 
I will strike the head of the daughters of Zion with scabs, 
and I will make their forehead bare. In that day I will take away 
the beauty of their bangles, 
the headbands and the crescent-shaped ornaments, 
the earrings, the bracelets, and the veils, 
the headdresses, the ankle chains, the breastbands, 
the perfume receptacles and the charms, 
the finger rings and the nose rings, 
the ceremonial robes, the overtunics, the cloaks, and the purses, 
the hand mirrors and the linen garments, 
the turbans and the veils. Instead of balsam oil, there will be a rotten smell; 
instead of a belt, a rope; 
instead of a beautiful hairstyle, baldness; 
instead of a rich garment, a garment of sackcloth; 
and a brand mark instead of beauty. By the sword your men will fall, 
and your mighty men in battle.
Her entrances will mourn and grieve, 
and she will sit on the ground desolate.”

Isaiah 4

NARRATOR:


And seven women will grab hold of one man in that day, saying:

WOMEN:


“We will eat our own bread
and wear our own clothing; 
only let us be called by your name
to take away our disgrace.”

NARRATOR:


In that day what Jehovah makes sprout will be splendid and glorious, 
and the fruitage of the land will be the pride and beauty
of the survivors of Israel. Whoever remains in Zion and is left over in Jerusalem will be called holy—
all of those in Jerusalem written down for life. When Jehovah washes away the filth of the daughters of Zion
and rinses away the bloodshed of Jerusalem
by the spirit of judgment and by a spirit of burning, 
Jehovah will create over the whole site of Mount Zion
and over the place of her conventions
a cloud and smoke by day
and a bright flaming fire by night.
Over all the glory there will be a shelter—
a booth for shade by day from the heat, 
and for refuge and protection from storms and rain.

Isaiah 5

PROPHET:


Let me sing, please, to my beloved
a song about my loved one and his vineyard. My beloved had a vineyard on a fruitful hillside.
He dug it up and rid it of stones.
He planted it with a choice red vine, 
built a tower in the middle of it, 
and hewed out a winepress in it.
Then he kept hoping for it to produce grapes, 
but it produced only wild grapes. “And now, you inhabitants of Jerusalem
and men of Judah—
please judge between me and my vineyard. What more could I have done for my vineyard
that I have not already done?
Why, when I hoped for grapes, 
did it produce only wild grapes? Now, please, let me tell you
what I will do to my vineyard: I will remove its hedge, 
and it will be burned down.
I will break down its stone wall, 
and it will be trampled on.
I will make it a wasteland; 
it will not be pruned or hoed.
It will be overgrown with thornbushes and weeds, 
and I will command the clouds not to send any rain on it.”

NARRATOR:


For the vineyard of Jehovah of armies is the house of Israel; 
the men of Judah are the plantation he was fond of.
He kept hoping for justice, 
but look—there was injustice; 
for righteousness, 
but look—a cry of distress. Woe to those who join one house to another
and who annex one field to another
until there is no more room
and you live by yourselves on the land! Jehovah of armies has sworn
that many houses, though great and beautiful, 
will become an object of horror, 
without an inhabitant.
For ten acres of vineyard will produce but one bath measure, 
and a homer of seed will produce only an ephah. Woe to those who get up early in the morning to drink alcohol, 
who linger late into the evening darkness until wine inflames them!
They have harp and stringed instrument, tambourine, flute, and wine at their feasts, 
but they do not consider the activity of Jehovah
and they do not see the work of his hands. So my people will go into exile for lack of knowledge; 
their glorious men will go hungry, 
and all their people will be parched with thirst. So the Grave has enlarged itself
and opened its mouth wide without limit; 
and her splendor, her noisy multitudes, and her revelers
will certainly go down into it. Man will bow down; man will be brought low; 
and the eyes of the haughty will be brought low.
Jehovah of armies will be exalted by his judgment; 
the true God, the Holy One, will sanctify himself through righteousness. And the lambs will graze as in their pasture; 
foreign residents will feed on the desolate places of well-fed animals. Woe to those who drag along their guilt with ropes of deception
and their sin with wagon cords—
those who say:

ARROGANT PEOPLE:


“Let Him speed up his work; 
let it come quickly that we may see it.
Let the purpose of the Holy One of Israel take place
that we may know it!”

NARRATOR:


Woe to those who say that good is bad and bad is good, 
who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, 
who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those wise in their own eyes
and discreet in their own sight!
Woe to those who are mighty in drinking wine
and masters at mixing alcoholic drinks, 
those who acquit the wicked for a bribe
and deny justice to the righteous! Therefore, just as fire consumes stubble
and dry grass shrivels in the flames, 
their very roots will rot
and their blossoms will scatter like powder, 
because they rejected the law of Jehovah of armies
and disrespected the word of the Holy One of Israel. That is why the anger of Jehovah burns against his people, 
and he will stretch out his hand against them and strike them.
The mountains will quake, 
and their corpses will be like refuse in the streets.
In view of all this, his anger has not turned back, 
but his hand is still stretched out to strike. He has raised up a signal to a distant nation; 
he has whistled for them to come from the ends of the earth; 
and look! they are coming very swiftly.
None among them are tired or stumbling; 
no one is drowsy or sleeps.
The belt around their waist is not loosened, 
nor are their sandal laces broken. All their arrows are sharp, 
and all their bows are bent.
The hooves of their horses are like flint, 
and their wheels like a storm wind.
Their roaring is like that of a lion; 
they roar like young lions.
They will growl and seize the prey
and carry it off with no one to rescue it. In that day they will growl over it
like the growling of the sea.
Anyone who gazes at the land will see distressing darkness; 
even the light has grown dark because of the clouds.

Thu-4-DK 🇩🇰

And again I can Remembering this lake, And of forgotten chances Insofar as seeing hatred, The sun rises against her Longing for this mess, There is Lenovo, watching you- from the left. From this fit of yours, a protective triangle

JOURNAL 2 décembre 2025

Juste un mot sur le racisme. J'ai pas été discriminée systématiquement en France mais ça fait un sale effet quand on se rend compte que pour les gens qu'on croise dans la rue ou dans les boutiques, on est différente, on est vue comme pas normale, et quand on nous le dit vraiment ça embarrasse. Toute ta vie tu ne te poses pas la question, puis d’un coup tu sent qu’on te regarde comme un animal étrange, gentiment ou agressivement, c'est pareil. Chinetoque ou Asiatique tu te sens soudain à part, et vite tu sens que tu es vue comme inférieure. En plus en France tout le monde me croyait mineure, alors la gentillesse était vécue comme condescendante, je me sentais vue au mieux comme un gentil petit animal qu'on a envie de caresser s'il fait des sourires et des efforts si touchants pour baragouiner le français, c’est très humiliant vous savez ? En plus nous les Japonaises on a un gros complexe d'infériorité par rapport aux étrangers blancs, plus grands plus beaux surtout les femmes françaises avec leurs grandes jambes leur démarche de félins et leurs belles dents, nous on marche en canard, on a les dents en vrac (pas moi mais c’est pareil je suis complexée pour les autres)

La France m'a appris ce que c'était le racisme, mais en France j'ai aussi découvert une chose qu’on n’a pas au Japon c’est la tendresse. Ma maman et ma mamy m'aimaient, c'était même les seules personnes dans mon enfance, mais jamais elles ne m'ont prise dans leurs bras pour me consoler. Elles me parlaient avec douceur et amour, séchaient mes larmes, mais jamais un baiser. C'est comme ça ici, on ne se touche pas. On ne s'approche pas de trop près. Quand la première fois ma nanny m'a prise dans ses bras ça m'a choquée, je ne comprenais pas, j'étais très mal à l'aise. Je ne dis pas que ce type de rapport entre parents et enfants ou entre adultes n'existe pas ici mais ça n'est pas la règle, loin de là. Quand tu arrives en France et que pour un oui ou non on veut te faire la bise, je vous jure qu’on a un mouvement de recul, c’est vécu comme une agression, j'exagère pas. Je voulais juste dire ça. La France m'a apporté des choses comme ça qui ont pas mal changé ma perception des choses. Ça fait du bien d'aller voir ailleurs comment ça se passe, je le conseille.

Advent of code started! Only 12 days sadly this year.

🍺💨 1) Dědek Krůpnička

Smrdí mírně kyselým tónem, jako když se zelí bojí, že zůstane v lednici do zítřka. Každý krok mu vyfoukne mini-prd. Tvrdí, že to nedělá schválně.

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🪑💨 2) Dědek U Sedací Lavice

Jeho klasika: sedne si, 3 sekundy ticho… a pak prd, co připomíná otevření staré truhly. Někdy to ani nevnímá. Dědci to ale musí větrat 15 minut.

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🪙🫠 3) Dědek Kapsička

Vždycky když sáhne do kapsy pro drobné, unikne mu prd. Nikdo neví proč. Říká se, že kapsy má spojené s prdelí.

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🧅💨 4) Dědek Cibulovous

Smrdí jako směs teplé cibule a staré prdele. Někdy se jen otočí a prd se objeví sám, jakoby ho strčil někdo neviditelný.

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🌲💨 5) Dědek U Pařezu

Celé dny sedí na jednom pařezu. Prdí tak tichounce, že jen veverky ví, co se děje. Ale smrad se drží kolem jako mlha.

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🫠💨 6) Dědek Zatuchlinka

Jeho prdel má permanentní slabý zápach zatuchlého sklepa. Jako stará skříň, jen živá. Není moc hlasitý, ale smrad má dobrou výdrž.

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💨🦡 7) Dědek, co vždycky prdí, když vidí jezevce

Neví proč. Je to reflex. Jezevec se objeví → PRD! Je to jak tlačítko.

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🍻💨 8) Dědek Hospodsko-Ulevný

Když dopije pivo, vždycky si prdne. Ne hlasitě. Ale takovým tím úlevným, vysvobozujícím tónem, že celá hospoda kývne v pochopení.

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🛏️💨 9) Dědek Noční Šuškáč

V noci prdí potichu, ale intenzivně. Jeho chalupa ráno smrdí jako pytel starých ponožek v sauně. Ranní větrání je pro sousedy muka.

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🧂💨 10) Dědek Slanej

Ani moc nepije, ani moc nejí. Nenápadný typ. Ale jeho prdy mají chuť jako slané brambůrky. Nikdo to nechápe.

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🧓💨 Dědek, co prdí při každém otevření dveří

Dveře vrz… dědek prd. Návštěvy už to ani nepřekvapuje — je to taková domácí kulisa.

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🫖💨 Dědek U Konvice

Vždycky když se mu začne vařit voda, je to pro něj signál přidat vlastní páru. Prdne přesně s prvním bubláním.

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🛏️💨 Dědek, co prdí při převracení v posteli

Každý pohyb → pffft. Žádná pravidla, prostě systém auto-odpouštění. Matrace to má těžký.

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🚪💨 Dědek Veřejně-Styďák

Jakmile někdo prochází kolem jeho okna, okamžitě tichý prd, jako nervózní tik. „Já za to nemůžu,“ říká, „to dělá pocit z lidí.“

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🪑💨 Dědek Houpák

Sedne na houpací židli → vrz Houpe se → prd Vrz → prd Vrz → prd Někdy to zní jako dueto dvou starých klarinetů.

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🧄💨 Dědek Česnekovač

Říká, že česnek je zdravý. Ale pak se sám vyhání z vlastní kuchyně, protože jeho prdy mají aroma „česnek v kombinaci s česnekem a trochou prdele“.

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🐾💨 Dědek, co obviňuje jezevce

Kdykoliv prdí při hovoru, otočí se do rohu místnosti a řekne: „To byl určitě nějaký ten jezevec.“ Nikdo mu to nevěří. Ani jezevec.

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😮‍💨💨 Dědek Polo-Výdych

U něj se prd plete s výdechem — někdy to zní, jako kdyby si povzdechl zadkem. „Achjo…“ PFFFTT A jde dál.

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There are 4 main reasons I’m emotionally repressed.

1. My mom (bless her heart) has bad anger issues. Sometimes, she got so mad that she beat the fuck out of me. This made me view emotions as dangerous, and hate emotional people.

2. I was an emotional kid. When I got excited, I lost control. My mom compared me once to a kid who had it more under wraps than me with good manners. That made me afraid of losing control.

3. I’m shy, and care a lot about what people think of me.

4. I’m a guy, and men are taught to repress their feelings.

But I just realized I don’t want to live like this anymore. My heart hurts sometimes from holding it all in. Literally. My heart actually fucking hurts sometimes.

And here’s the crazy thing. I don’t even feel happy when I feel happy. I get scared when I feel happy, because I’m not used to feeling happy and fulfilled, like “What is this feeling lmao?” I actually feel a twisted sense of happiness when I’m miserable. It just feels right to be deep in the shit. It feels right to be scared, lonely, shocked out my mind while imagining me cutting myself to shreds. Maybe I don’t do that anymore. Maybe accept happiness, at least when it comes?

I want to be free and let go. I realize this is a bit backwards. Usually, you make your emotional mistakes as a teen, or a kid, and you dial it back as you get older. I’m an adult. But better I make my mistakes now, rather than later, right? I want to feel what I’m feeling again. I want myself, to be honest with myself. I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a dissociative daze, in an out of body experience where I’m looking at myself from the third person. If I’m being honest, I was probably too concerned with looking like a model student, and a model son, and a model Christian as a teen and a young adult. And I was way too good at hiding my emotional baggage and the shitshow in my brain from other people for my own good. I tricked pretty much everyone.

By trade, I’m currently a programmer, but ironically, I think this will also make me better at programming. Programming isn’t just about writing code. It’s also about being good at making snap decisions with intuition, because sometimes, you don’t have time to really think your decisions through. Intuition is feeling, and feeling is loosely connected to emotions. I think too much, don’t feel enough.

I’m so used to hiding in an emotional shell, even from myself. Sometimes, I’m feeling an emotion, and I’ll become too self-aware of myself, and it’ll recede back into my heart. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t even know where to start. But it’ll take some time.

Maybe one thing I’ll do is write a feeling diary. But instead of dissecting my emotions and explaining the thoughts behind why I felt that way in the moment like I usually do, I’ll just start writing some whimsical bullshit. Like, “I felt magenta, then aquamarine-yellow, and a butterfly grew out of my bellybutton when I laughed.”

This seems very sudden, and out of the blue, so I’ll write a note for myself on how this thought germinated in my mind. A couple things happened.

1. I was writing some short fiction, and realized I lacked a creative spark that I used to have, that excitement of embarking on a new adventure, that joy of creation, that whimsy, the JUICE that breathes feeling into my characters, deep emotion into them, the lifeblood of vivid description gushing from my pounding, trembling heart onto the page.

2. I gave up on myself. I got wrapped up in a bunch of neurotic spiritual bullshit, and looked at the people around me that were serving God better than me, that loved Him more than me, and were… happy. I looked at myself, and said, “What the fuck am I doing wrong? I’m a shitter. I’m miserable. Rarely happy. I’m missing something.” The answer is I don’t fucking know. But I did realize I need to take 50 steps back, reinvent my whole jive, and blow everything in my head the fuck up. I’ve built, brick by brick, a thought-library of bullshit in my head. If God is real, and truly with me, I trust that He will lead me through this, and save me in the end.

3. What catalyzed this realization was this. I was watching the opening of City the Animation, and it was just so fucking beautiful. The vibrant colors, the exuberant overture explosion of sound, and the sweet emotional bond that binds the cast together culminated in a joyous experience that blew out the receptors in my frontal cortex. It affected me so much emotionally, that I felt alive again for the first time a in a long time, and I began to wonder why. I began to wonder if, this experience, of me watching the opening to this anime was also part of God’s plan. And oh how happy would I be to believe that.

I give up on myself! But I don’t do it with the defeated expression of yesterday night, when I told myself it was all over. I give up on myself joyously with a smile on my face, and tears trembling in my eyes! I WIN! I feel like I can fly again! I haven’t smiled for real in forever! I feel like a bright yellow-white! Or maybe it’s just this song I have on repeat that’s the one doing the talking :P

I hereby renounce my previous favorite color green. Now, my favorite is YELLOW

In Summary: * Very much an Advent Monday, today. Which is fitting. The changes in my prayer routine are both time-consuming and keep my attitude properly oriented.

Prayers, etc.: * My daily prayers

Health Metrics: * bw= 224.93 lbs. * bp= 125/78 (64)

Exercise: * kegel pelvic floor exercise, half squats, calf raises, wall push-ups

Diet: * 05:55 – 1 banana, ½ McDonald's double quarter pounder with cheese sandwich, pumpkin pie * 09:35 – 1 fresh orange * 10:50 – 1 cheese sandwich * 12:00 – green bean caserole * 16:50 – rice-based stew, cooked with different meats and vegetables

Activities, Chores, etc.: * 04:30 – listen to local news talk radio * 05:50 – bank accounts activity monitored * 06:05 – read, pray, listen to news reports from various sources * 10:45 – start my weekly laundry * 11:10 – listening to the Markley, van Camp and Robbins Show. * 11:45 to 13:00 – watch old game shows and eat lunch at home with Sylvia * 15:00 – have resurrected the oldest machine from my graveyard of dead computers, am trying to put it back into service * 17:00 – listening to The Joe Pags Show * 18:00 – listening to relaxing music, folding and putting away laundry * 19:00 – quietly reading until bedtime

Chess: * 10:35 – moved in all pending CC games