There was a sunset today, and it was pink and yellow. And on the grounds lay a thick solid sheet of ice

And with these jogging shoes which are studded I went running earlier today, for I felt like a plant inside, gathering the rays of sunshine in what felt like a photosynthesis of the mind — wandering as it did in its own route, with every emotion amplified by this running — having Ava Max blasting in the earphones

Now I lie on my bed, listening to a playlist of ”the Last of the Mohicans” versions, I still think it’s the best song ever made.

That the movie was so great just makes it all better.

I don’t know for a fact if it is a good movie, but my sister and her cousin bought it on VHS for each other one Christmas, because they thought that the Mohicans were so handsome.

I think that’s true, they were, but what about this sad song

Don’t they eat a heart in that movie?

I felt like, when my sister left my life (like she didn’t care), she took a big bite of my heart, because I didn’t see it coming — even though it was so blatantly obvious in hindsight that this relationship was not bidirectional — it got my questioning my grasp on reality, and I am not sure why it hurt so bad, but I think it’s because I thought she loved me but she is not capable of that in any way I can relate to.

But I am not feeling sorry for myself I haven’t the capacity I think.

I do feel a little bit of hunger now , but the playlist isn’t done playing the Last of the Mohicans music yet and so I am spellbound to this inert state of…

I am not sure, but there’s one variant with the hurdy gurdy…

That’s a cool instrument

I think that this life is so beautiful and I am feeling in general pretty good, did you know I have been averaging on 5h/day on umamusume pretty derby since I downloaded this horse girl game? It’s just so much fun and there’s lots of decisions to make as a horse girl trainer, so many trade-offs, it’s just like in real life.

And I did

002295 – 10 de Setembro de 2025

Vivo no futuro próximo e escrevo para o registo passado. Sobre não sei que presente.

There is a moment when reading the seventh chapter of Hebrews where the reader suddenly realizes that the author is doing something far more daring than simply explaining theology. He is reaching backward through centuries of history, pulling an almost forgotten figure out of the shadows of Genesis, and placing that figure directly beside Jesus in order to reveal something extraordinary about the nature of Christ’s priesthood. Most people who casually read the Bible barely pause when the name Melchizedek appears in Genesis 14. It seems like a brief and mysterious footnote in the story of Abraham, a strange king-priest who arrives, blesses Abraham, receives a tithe, and then disappears from the narrative as quickly as he came. Yet Hebrews 7 insists that this short encounter was never random. It was a prophetic window placed deep inside the earliest pages of Scripture, waiting centuries to be fully understood. What looks like a passing moment in the Old Testament becomes, through the lens of Hebrews, one of the most profound revelations about Jesus Christ in the entire New Testament. The chapter unfolds slowly, almost like someone opening a sealed letter that has been waiting generations to be read, and once that letter begins to open, the implications stretch across the entire structure of biblical history. Suddenly the priesthood of Jesus is not merely connected to Israel’s system of temple worship, but to something older, something deeper, and something far more eternal.

To appreciate what Hebrews 7 is doing, it helps to imagine the world in which the first readers lived. Jewish believers in the first century had grown up understanding that access to God was mediated through a priesthood that came from the tribe of Levi. The temple system was the center of their religious identity. Priests offered sacrifices, mediated between God and the people, and upheld the sacred rituals that had been established through Moses. Everything about spiritual life seemed anchored to that structure. If someone wanted forgiveness, there was a sacrifice. If someone wanted cleansing, there was a priest. If someone wanted to approach God, there was a carefully structured system designed to make that possible. For generations this had been the visible framework through which God’s people understood their relationship with Him. Yet the author of Hebrews begins gently but firmly dismantling the assumption that this system was ever meant to be permanent. Instead of criticizing the priesthood directly, he introduces a figure who predates it entirely. Long before Levi was born, long before Moses received the law, long before the temple was built, there was already a priest standing in the story of Scripture. His name was Melchizedek.

Hebrews describes Melchizedek in a way that almost feels like the unveiling of a hidden symbol that had been quietly sitting in the biblical narrative all along. He is introduced as the king of Salem and priest of the Most High God, a man who meets Abraham returning from battle and blesses him. Abraham, the father of Israel itself, responds by giving Melchizedek a tenth of everything. That detail may seem small, but Hebrews treats it as enormously significant. In the ancient world, the act of giving a tithe to someone was a recognition of authority and honor. Abraham, the patriarch through whom the nation of Israel would come, acknowledged the spiritual greatness of this mysterious priest-king by offering him a portion of the spoils. In other words, the father of the future nation placed himself in a posture of respect before Melchizedek. Hebrews then pushes the idea further by pointing out that Levi, the ancestor of Israel’s priesthood, was still figuratively present within Abraham at that moment. If Abraham honored Melchizedek, then in a sense the entire Levitical priesthood was acknowledging a greater priesthood long before it ever existed.

This is where Hebrews 7 begins quietly shifting the reader’s perspective. The point is not merely historical trivia about an obscure biblical figure. The author is building a bridge that stretches from Abraham to Jesus, and the bridge is built on the idea of a priesthood that does not depend on genealogy. Every priest in Israel’s system traced his authority through family lines. A man became a priest because he was born into the right tribe. His legitimacy came from his ancestry. But Melchizedek appears without any recorded lineage. The book of Genesis does not list his parents, his descendants, or the beginning and end of his life. Hebrews seizes upon that silence and interprets it symbolically. In the narrative of Scripture, Melchizedek stands as a priest who seems to exist outside the normal boundaries of human genealogy. He simply appears, performs his priestly role, and vanishes again. That literary mystery allows Hebrews to present him as a living picture of something eternal. His priesthood looks less like an inherited office and more like a timeless calling.

Once that framework is established, the chapter begins pointing directly toward Jesus. The argument unfolds almost like a carefully laid trail through the forest of Scripture. If Melchizedek represents a priesthood that does not depend on lineage, then Jesus fits perfectly into that pattern. Jesus did not come from the tribe of Levi. He was born into the tribe of Judah, a tribe associated with kingship rather than priesthood. Under the old system, that would have disqualified Him from serving as a priest at all. Yet Hebrews insists that Jesus belongs to a different order of priesthood entirely. Instead of inheriting His authority through Levi, He stands in the order of Melchizedek. That phrase appears earlier in Hebrews and echoes a prophetic statement found in Psalm 110, where God declares, “You are a priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.” Suddenly the scattered threads of Genesis, Psalms, and the New Testament weave together into a single revelation. The priesthood of Jesus was never meant to fit inside the old system. It was always part of something older and greater.

When you pause and let that idea settle in your mind, it becomes clear that Hebrews 7 is not simply offering theological clarification. It is revealing that the entire structure of Israel’s priesthood was pointing toward something beyond itself. The Levitical system was never the final destination. It was a temporary framework designed to prepare humanity for the arrival of a priest who would not merely offer sacrifices but embody the fulfillment of everything those sacrifices symbolized. Every lamb placed on the altar, every drop of blood spilled in the temple courts, every prayer lifted by a priest standing before God was part of a long story moving toward one moment in history. That moment arrived in the person of Jesus Christ. By linking Jesus to the order of Melchizedek, Hebrews is showing that His priesthood was never meant to replace the old system in a small or incremental way. It was meant to transcend it completely.

Another striking detail in Hebrews 7 is the way the author describes the permanence of Jesus’ priesthood. The Levitical priests served for a limited time because they were subject to death. One generation of priests would pass away and another would take their place. The office continued, but the individuals holding it were always temporary. The entire system quietly acknowledged human mortality. But the priesthood of Jesus operates on a completely different foundation. Hebrews describes Him as one who holds His priesthood permanently because He lives forever. That single statement carries enormous weight. The entire structure of the old priesthood was built around repetition because death constantly interrupted it. Sacrifices had to be offered again and again because the priests themselves could never remain forever. Jesus changes that equation completely. Because His life is indestructible, His priesthood does not pass to another. It remains eternally anchored in Him.

The implications of that truth reach deeply into the heart of faith. If Jesus holds an eternal priesthood, then the relationship between God and humanity is no longer dependent on a rotating succession of intermediaries. There is one mediator who never steps down, never dies, and never relinquishes His role. Hebrews describes Him as someone who is able to save completely those who come to God through Him because He always lives to intercede for them. That sentence alone could occupy the heart and mind of a believer for years. The idea that Christ is continually interceding means that the work of salvation did not end at the cross or even at the resurrection. The risen Christ remains actively engaged in the spiritual life of those who trust Him. His priesthood is not a historical relic. It is an ongoing reality.

There is also a profound emotional dimension hidden inside this chapter. Many people throughout history have struggled with the feeling that their relationship with God is fragile, as if one mistake could shatter it or one moment of weakness could undo everything. Hebrews 7 offers a completely different picture. The security of the believer is not grounded in human consistency but in the permanence of Christ’s priesthood. Because Jesus lives forever and continually represents humanity before God, the foundation of salvation rests on something far more stable than human effort. The priest who mediates between God and humanity is not temporary, fallible, or distant. He is eternal, perfect, and fully committed to the work of redemption.

The chapter then moves toward one of its most powerful conclusions by explaining that Jesus is the kind of high priest humanity truly needed all along. The Levitical priests were sincere servants of God, but they were also flawed human beings who had to offer sacrifices for their own sins before they could represent the people. Their ministry was real, but it was limited by their humanity. Jesus stands in complete contrast to that limitation. Hebrews describes Him as holy, blameless, pure, set apart from sinners, and exalted above the heavens. These descriptions are not poetic exaggerations. They are meant to highlight the absolute uniqueness of Christ’s priesthood. Unlike the priests of the old covenant, Jesus does not need to offer sacrifices repeatedly. His sacrifice was offered once, and it was sufficient.

When Hebrews says that Jesus offered Himself, the statement carries a depth that stretches far beyond the surface meaning of the words. In the temple system, the priest and the sacrifice were separate. The priest stood beside the altar, presenting an animal on behalf of the people. But at the cross something astonishing happened. The priest and the sacrifice became the same person. Jesus did not merely bring an offering to God; He became the offering. In doing so, He fulfilled both roles simultaneously. That single act reshaped the entire concept of sacrifice in biblical theology. The cross was not just another sacrifice added to the long list of temple offerings. It was the final sacrifice that made all the others unnecessary.

Hebrews 7 therefore stands as a turning point in the way believers understand the relationship between the old covenant and the new. It reveals that the coming of Christ did not simply modify the existing system of worship. It fulfilled and transformed it. The priesthood of Jesus belongs to a different order, a deeper story that was written into Scripture long before the law was given. Through the mysterious figure of Melchizedek, the Bible had been quietly pointing forward to a priest who would not depend on ancestry, who would not be limited by death, and who would offer a sacrifice so complete that it would never need to be repeated.

By the time the reader reaches the end of the chapter, the message becomes unmistakably clear. Humanity does not stand before God through a fragile system of rituals and temporary mediators. Instead, believers approach God through a living high priest whose ministry cannot be interrupted, whose sacrifice cannot be surpassed, and whose intercession never stops. The shadow of Melchizedek that briefly passed across the pages of Genesis turns out to be one of the earliest glimpses of the eternal priesthood of Christ. What once seemed like a minor footnote in the story of Abraham becomes, through the lens of Hebrews 7, a doorway into one of the most breathtaking revelations in all of Scripture.

Once the reader begins to grasp the magnitude of what Hebrews 7 is revealing, the chapter starts to feel less like a theological explanation and more like a quiet unveiling of God’s long-term design across the entire arc of Scripture. The writer of Hebrews is not simply drawing comparisons between Melchizedek and Jesus as a literary curiosity. Instead, he is showing that God had embedded clues inside the earliest stories of the Bible that would only become clear after Christ arrived. The figure of Melchizedek becomes a kind of spiritual landmark placed early in biblical history, marking the existence of a priesthood that did not belong to the Levitical order and was not bound by the laws that would later define Israel’s temple system. That single fact carries enormous significance because it demonstrates that God’s ultimate plan for redemption was never confined to the structures that would eventually develop within Israel. The law given through Moses served a sacred and necessary purpose, but Hebrews insists that it was never meant to be the final form of God’s relationship with humanity. Instead, it functioned as a stage in a much larger narrative that was gradually unfolding.

When you read Hebrews 7 slowly and thoughtfully, you begin to notice how carefully the author dismantles the assumption that the Levitical priesthood was the ultimate spiritual authority. The argument unfolds almost like a series of doors opening one after another. First, the writer points out that Abraham gave a tithe to Melchizedek, which implies that Melchizedek held a position of spiritual superiority over the patriarch himself. Then he reminds the reader that the lesser is always blessed by the greater, meaning that Melchizedek’s blessing over Abraham indicates a higher spiritual authority. After that, the chapter introduces the idea that Levi, whose descendants would become Israel’s priests, was still within Abraham’s lineage when that blessing occurred. This leads to the remarkable conclusion that the Levitical priesthood, which had not yet even come into existence, was symbolically acknowledging the superiority of the priesthood represented by Melchizedek. The entire structure of temple priesthood that would dominate Israel’s religious life for centuries is therefore shown to exist beneath a deeper and older priesthood that had already appeared in the story of Scripture.

This realization changes how the reader understands the purpose of the law itself. Hebrews 7 gently raises a question that would have been unthinkable for many devout Jews of the first century: if perfection could have been achieved through the Levitical priesthood, why would another priest need to arise according to a different order? That question is not asked in a spirit of criticism toward the law, but rather in recognition of its limitations. The law provided guidance, structure, and a means of maintaining a relationship with God within the covenant given to Israel. Yet it could never completely remove the barrier created by sin. The sacrifices had to be repeated again and again, not because they were meaningless, but because they were incomplete. Each offering pointed toward forgiveness, but none of them could fully accomplish what humanity ultimately needed. Hebrews 7 presents the arrival of Jesus as the moment when the deeper intention behind the entire sacrificial system finally came into view.

One of the most powerful aspects of this chapter is the way it explains that the coming of a new priesthood inevitably requires a change in the law itself. That statement would have been startling to the original audience because the law of Moses had defined Jewish identity for generations. It governed worship, morality, community life, and the rhythms of everyday existence. Yet Hebrews argues that if God establishes a new priesthood that does not come from the tribe of Levi, then the entire framework surrounding the priesthood must also change. The writer is not suggesting that God’s purposes have shifted or that the law was somehow flawed. Instead, he is explaining that the law was always preparing the way for something greater. Just as a seed eventually gives way to a full-grown tree, the structures established in the Old Testament were designed to lead toward the fuller reality revealed in Christ.

This is where the connection between Jesus and the tribe of Judah becomes so significant. Under the old covenant, no one from Judah could serve as a priest because priesthood belonged exclusively to the descendants of Levi. Yet Jesus stands outside that system entirely. His authority as high priest does not come from genealogy but from the power of what Hebrews calls an indestructible life. That phrase carries profound meaning. Every priest under the old covenant eventually died, and their ministry ended with them. Their role was real, but it was temporary. Jesus, however, holds His priesthood on the basis of a life that cannot be destroyed by death. His resurrection is not merely a miraculous event; it is the foundation of an entirely new form of priesthood. Because He lives forever, His ministry never needs to be transferred to another. The role of mediator between God and humanity is permanently anchored in Him.

The emotional weight of this truth becomes clearer when you consider what it means for the believer’s relationship with God. Under the temple system, access to God often felt distant and formal. Ordinary people could not simply walk into the most sacred spaces of the temple. Layers of ritual and mediation separated them from the presence of God. The high priest alone could enter the most holy place, and even then only once each year under very specific conditions. Hebrews 7 prepares the reader for the astonishing message that unfolds later in the letter, where believers are invited to approach God with confidence because of Christ’s priesthood. The barriers that once defined spiritual life have been removed because the mediator who stands between humanity and God is no longer a temporary servant performing rituals. He is the living Son of God who has already completed the work of atonement.

Another dimension of Hebrews 7 that deserves careful reflection is the idea of permanence. The chapter repeatedly emphasizes that Jesus holds His priesthood forever. That permanence is not simply a matter of duration; it represents the stability of God’s entire plan of redemption. Human institutions rise and fall. Systems of worship evolve, cultures shift, and generations pass away. Yet the priesthood of Christ stands outside those fluctuations. It is rooted in the eternal nature of God Himself. When Hebrews declares that Jesus always lives to intercede for those who come to God through Him, it presents a vision of spiritual security that is far deeper than most people realize. The believer’s hope is not resting on personal perfection or flawless obedience. It rests on the ongoing ministry of Christ, who continually represents humanity before the Father.

This understanding transforms how one reads the story of the cross. Many people think of the crucifixion primarily as a historical event that accomplished salvation at a single moment in time. While that is certainly true, Hebrews 7 invites us to see the cross as the beginning of an ongoing priestly ministry rather than the conclusion of Christ’s work. After offering Himself as the final sacrifice, Jesus did not simply step away from the role of mediator. Instead, He entered into a permanent priesthood that continues forever. The sacrifice was completed once, but the priest who offered it lives eternally. That combination creates a form of redemption that is both finished and ongoing at the same time. The atonement has been accomplished, yet the priest who secured it continues to intercede on behalf of those who trust in Him.

When the chapter reaches its final verses, it draws one of the most profound contrasts in the entire New Testament. The law appoints priests who are subject to weakness, but God’s oath appoints a Son who has been made perfect forever. The writer is not dismissing the faithfulness of the Levitical priests who served under the old covenant. Instead, he is highlighting the difference between a system built around human limitation and a priesthood established through divine permanence. The priests of Israel served with sincerity, but they were still human beings shaped by the same weaknesses and vulnerabilities that affect all of humanity. Jesus, however, stands apart from that limitation. He embodies the perfect union of priest and king, sacrifice and mediator, servant and Son.

This is why the connection to Melchizedek matters so deeply. In Genesis, Melchizedek appears as both king of Salem and priest of the Most High God. Those two roles were rarely combined within Israel’s history because kingship and priesthood belonged to different tribes. Yet in Jesus those roles come together perfectly. He is both the royal heir of David and the eternal high priest who represents humanity before God. The mysterious king-priest who briefly steps onto the stage of Scripture in Abraham’s time becomes a prophetic shadow pointing toward the ultimate union of authority and mediation that would be fulfilled in Christ.

For the modern reader, Hebrews 7 can sometimes feel distant because it engages so deeply with the structure of ancient Jewish worship. Yet the spiritual implications of the chapter remain astonishingly relevant. It speaks directly to the human longing for assurance that our relationship with God is secure. It addresses the fear that our failures might place us beyond redemption. It reminds us that the foundation of salvation is not a fragile system of human effort but the eternal priesthood of Jesus Christ. Because He lives forever, the bridge between God and humanity remains permanently open.

There is also a quiet invitation embedded within this chapter that many readers overlook. If Jesus truly holds an eternal priesthood and continually intercedes for those who come to God through Him, then the path to God is no longer hidden behind layers of ritual or reserved for a select few. The presence of God is accessible through the living Christ. The priest who stands before God on behalf of humanity is the same one who invites people to come to Him in faith. That reality reshapes the entire spiritual landscape of the believer’s life. Prayer is no longer an uncertain attempt to reach a distant heaven. It becomes a conversation carried through the intercession of the One who already stands in God’s presence.

When the seventh chapter of Hebrews is read in this light, it becomes clear that the writer was not merely explaining doctrine. He was revealing the breathtaking scope of God’s plan across history. From the brief encounter between Abraham and Melchizedek to the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the story of Scripture has been quietly pointing toward the arrival of an eternal priest who would bring humanity into lasting reconciliation with God. The ancient priesthood of Israel served its purpose faithfully, but it was always pointing beyond itself toward something greater.

That greater reality arrived in the person of Jesus, the priest without beginning or end, whose ministry does not fade with time and whose sacrifice never needs to be repeated. In Him the shadows of the old covenant give way to the full light of redemption. Through Him the believer approaches God not with uncertainty but with confidence, knowing that the mediator who stands before the Father on our behalf will never step down from His eternal role.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

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IU vs. Ohio St.

Yesterday's dramatic comeback win vs. Nebraska moved the IU women's basketball team into Round Two of the Big Ten Women's Basketball Tournament. And their assigned Round Two Game has them playing Ohio State this afternoon. The exact time of this game has yet to be determined. One source tells me 2:30 PM CST, another source is saying 3:00 PM Eastern Time. I'll try tuning into B97 – The Home for IU Women's Basketball plenty early, maybe 01:30 PM CST or so, hoping to catch the game. Go Hoosiers!

And the adventure continues.

This is a blog with a reaaaally long title!

I hope to share interesting thoughts about things and stuff.

Seed you all out there!

• Cooper

Bruce is my best friend. Anyone who knows us knows that, it’s almost impossible to think of one without the other. We lived together for five years and spent most of our time side by side. His friends became my friends, and mine became his. My family considers him my brother, and his family treats me like one of their own. Back to my twenties, when I was proudly tech averse and constantly letting my phone die somewhere at home, it wasn’t unusual for people to call him just to reach me. And he never once complained. If anything, he’d tell me about it laughing.

I am not sure if there is something about me he doesn’t know. Honestly, sometimes I’m convinced he knows me better than I know myself, and at this point, I’m pretty sure that’s just a scientific fact. I used to lose everything. Everywhere. Constantly. I am, without question, the most distracted person I’ve ever met, and I turned it into a lifestyle. Every day was a treasure hunt. I’d walk into the living room like: “Bru, have you seen my keys?”, “Have you seen my sunglasses?” “Uni card? Phone? And Bruce, instead of getting annoyed, which would’ve been fair, would just smile, reverse engineer my entire thought process from the past 24 hours. Then, with absolute confidence, he’d walk straight to the most absurd, illogical corner of the apartment and grab the missing item like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “What would be of you without me, Paula”. And he's absolutely right. It's really hard to think of my life without him.

But I take the credit of recognizing him very early as my best friend. It was just a regular day. I was working as a copywriter in our student run agency, minding my own business in front of my computer, when he, the new guy who had just joined us, walked into the room. He started chatting with some girls he already knew, saying that he’d forgotten to renew a couple of library books, and now the library was closed, meaning he’d have to pay the late fee. That’s when I swivel around in my chair and go, “You know you can do that online, right? Come here, I’ll show you.” That was it. I invited him to have a cigarette, we bonded over books we both liked, and movies. We found out our birthdays were only one day apart, and we were living very close to each other. He would laugh at all my jokes, I liked his laugher. All of that happening in a 20m ciggie break. I was sold. But Bruce was slightly shy, and he definitely didn’t make things easy for me. Every time I’d try to warm up to him or suggest we do something together, he’d suddenly have something else to do: laundry, groceries, reorganizing his socks alphabetically, who knows. It got to a point where I genuinely wondered if he secretly hated me.

One day, when I got home, the doorman told me someone had left something for me. It was a half kilo pack of my favorite chocolate granola, wrapped with the cutest little post it note from him. He remembered. He actually remembered that I had mentioned my favorite granola. Now I was comfortable enough to thank him and tell him for some months, I thought he did not like me, and he burst out laughing that big, contagious laugh and said he had actually just been awkwardly intimidated. By me. It was my time to laugh. Whether it was the way I tied my hair in a messy bunny, or the random questions I would throw at him like a philosophical ninja, he wasn’t sure. But eventually, I guess he concluded he liked me too and we would be best friends.

Bruce invited me over Easter to visit his parents living 300km away from São Paulo. Of course I was in. His family was absolutely adorable. His dad was hilarious, his mom was the sweetest person alive, and the two of us would sneak outside to smoke ciggies together. I remember sitting in their living room reading a Millôr Fernandes book, joking about life as if I’d been part of the household forever. At one point, Bruce nudged me and whispered that I was the only girl he had ever brought home. Small detail: he hadn’t come out to his parents yet. But I knew. I had known from the start. Their hopeful little spark “maybe he finally got a girlfriend!” died instantly the moment Bruce and I started chatting openly about a guy I liked. You could almost see the disappointment float out of their souls like a cartoon ghost. Later, we laughed about it while wandering through the city to buy some beer. Any lingering hope that I was a potential daughter in law disappeared, and they quickly understood the truth: I wasn’t the girlfriend. I was the best friend. And they adopted me just like that.

So we kept choosing each other. He moved from his aunt's house to live with me and now we were flatmates. Five years, not a single discussion. Five years of our lives, lived with pure joy. We’d text each other after work and meet at the same corner, like it was our unofficial checkpoint. From there, we’d wander down Avenida Paulista next to where we lived, grab a coffee, spontaneously slipping into a movie theater, or just watching the city breathe as the sun slowly set behind the buildings. We would get home and read to each other, or just talk our best talks. Shopping groceries at 1AM, going to gym early in the morning. Friends would show up, and friends of friends, and eventually there were people around I did not even know, but someone was playing the guitar, and we were singing to it. The twenties. We were happy, and we knew it. Through the hard moments, he was my biggest cheerleader, and I like to think I did the same. He says so. We would do things for each other out of pure love. I still remember the pile of clothes perfectly folded over my bed, as an image of how spontaneous and caring that friendship was.

Last year Bruce visited me in Vienna and we got to travel together to India, a long plan we had from all the years I told him about my first trip. Thirteen years later, we're still very much part of each other's lives, although we live miles away. And we don't always talk, because life is happening, for us both, and that's great. But when things get weird and we lose a bit of sense of purpose, it's just great to have someone who sees you, who knows you deeply and is willing to remind you of who you are. The most honest connection I ever had in my life is my best friend. I told him that recently and he said he feels so lucky that we have each other, which is funny, because I always feel like I am the lucky one. And I am so thankful he forgot to renew his books at the library that day.

/mar26

Jeg har bodd på Søndre Nordstrand i 12 år. Jeg jobber i IT, og kunne i teorien ha bodd hvor som helst, men jeg trives her. Det er rolig og fredelig, og familien min bor i nærheten.

For 1 år siden kjøpte jeg meg en sparkesykkel. Det har blitt min måte å komme meg rundt på, det funker veldig bra. Ofte ruller jeg bare rundt med den for å se nye steder i området. Det er mer miljøvennlig enn bil, men også mer praktisk og billigere. Enklere. Mindre. Stillere.

Jeg har begynt å ta førerkort, men ikke kommet helt i mål ennå. Jeg stresser ikke med det. Det er ingen hast.

I’m someone who thinks best when I should be asleep. By day, I function — responsibly, convincingly — but by 3 a.m., the real curriculum begins. I overanalyze conversations from 2017, question the nature of time, and draft philosophies I’ll pretend were intentional.

This blog is not a guide, nor a thesis I’m prepared to defend. It’s a record of spirals, soft revelations, and the occasional almost-brilliant thought that arrives between exhaustion and clarity. I read too much into everything. I light candles for dramatic effect. I take metaphysics personally.

If you’ve ever mistaken insomnia for enlightenment, you’re in the right place.

– Epikurus.

¿Quién es ese que va por ahí y dice que soy yo, mientras sueña con las playas desiertas, remotas?

¿Ese que se engaña y dice que ni siquiera roza el sufrimiento?

¿Quién, aquí, por la razón atravesado y los prosaicos hechos?

¿Y el que dice tan quedo que hay algo profundo, aquí adentro?

THE SCOOTER INCIDENT

I'd say that most of the time, I’ve got the temperament of a monk: pretty calm, progressive, possibly glowing. And that’s great, because it means I can trust my own judgment: If I’m angry, congratulations to whoever pushed me through five layers of the “normal people don’t go past this” boundary.

But behold, because there is only one thing stronger than my patience: my sense of justice. The smallest unfairness and I instantly morph into an avenger, ready to challenge any authority figure in front of me. By the way, authority figures and I? Not the best match. In my head, their authority only exists because as civil citizens, we provide them with it, and their whole job is basically to serve us. So whenever authority gets used in a way that feels even slightly wrong, I struggle a lot to respect it. To the point that I sometimes fear my own mouth and avoid interacting with them entirely, because I will end up telling some truths they did not ask for. Given this huge intro, the story now:

It’s 1:40 AM and I wake up with that strange feeling that something is off. Whenever my intuition kicks in, I listen, cause I love to be wrong, but normally, unfortunately I am not. So now I am sitting on my bed, I switch on the tiny salt lamp so I don’t bother my dog, who’s sleeping in her bed next to me, and I wander through the flat under that soft orange glow. I pretend I’m just getting more water from the kitchen, but really I'm checking every room along the way, just because situation says paranoid but experience says: something is happening. Water in hand, I crawl back into bed and try to sleep again. Twenty minutes later, I’m ripped out of whatever half dream I managed to fall into by the alarm of my scooter, the one I left ages ago right by the door, suddenly ringing. So I ran to my door to check through the peephole and I see the light from the hallway on, and my scooter is not in front of my door anymore. I can also hear the sound of the lift coming, to which I run to the balcony, where I can see it stopped on the floor below. Obviously I am scared to open the door. Because a thief is someone in stress peak mode and one second away of potentially becoming violent. So I call the police, explain the entire story and they said they are sending someone to check, which I am thankful for, as “I'm scared and I don't know if they are still around”

Twenty minutes later, police calls me again. A different officer comes on the line and hits me with the classic: “So… what’s happening?” I roll my eyes so hard happy by the fact he can’t see my face, and I repeat the entire story from the beginning. By the end, I ask, “Are you already close to my building?” And he goes, super uncomfortable: “We had another occurrence, but everything is fine, we were there.” Now I start laughing in a sassy way, I won't deny. It's the best I could do when the avengers mode is warming up, and ask back: “You were here? Here in my building? You were here in my building and you did not call me?”. Because I knew they weren’t. If they had checked the floors through the open altbau staircase, I would’ve heard it. If they’d taken the lift, I definitely would’ve heard it. And no police officer came anywhere near my floor. It finally hits him that I’m not buying it, and he gets all shaky and starts interrupting me with an increasingly angry: “Everything is fine, ja? EVERYTHING is fine.” At this point, I’m done. My anger has officially outgrown my fear. I laugh once more and hang up, march to the kitchen, grab a knife like I’m about to audition for a horror movie, open the door, and there it is. My scooter, abandoned in the middle of the staircase. Too heavy to drag down five floors while the alarm rings, so whoever tried to steal it had to abort the mission. Now I'm going down the stairs in this ridiculous action scene of knife in my hands, sound and movement hyper aware, until I grab my scooter, lift it for some ten steps, and bring it back home. Door locked. Partially relieved. Dignity, well, questionable.

What really pisses me off is the dishonesty. Telling me they were here and that “everything is fine” gives me a fake sense of security that actually puts me at risk. They assume I need comforting when I say I am scared, but what I truly need is factual information: Is the building clear or not? Because truly, nobody knows what could’ve happened. I fully understand they might have twenty thousand emergencies happening at the same time. I genuinely would have respected something honest like: “Look, we can’t come right now because of another incident. Watch over yourself: stay inside, double‑lock your door and tomorrow morning we can follow up and file an incident report.” Totally fine. Completely understandable. There's just so much they can do. I get it.

But instead, they choose to infantilize and dismiss my fear, treating it as some sort of nonsense and lying to me simply to get rid of the problem. And that, exactly that, is upsetting, because when I pick up the phone and call for help, I’m trusting them to give me clear, honest information, I am providing them data, I am doing my part. And all I expect back is receiving clear information in return, even if that's all they can do to keep me safe.

/mar26

1 March 2026

Found a £5 National Lottery “£500 Loaded” scratchcard on the ground near Wood Green station (not a winner; apparently the odds are around 1 in 1,400 to win the full £500, meaning you'd have to spend over £7k on scratchcards for a statistical guarantee). Those things are like mini paintings, the topmost layer clawed away to reveal the information hidden underneath. Which is why I picked it up—it's a potent feeling to find and hold such a clear recording of a stranger's touch in your hands. The rhythm of the diagonal scratch marks (this person was probably right-handed) held the urgent speed of them. Spooked me a little, honestly. The palpable charge of hope turning to disappointment. And yet there was something undeniably alive about it. It had been addressed with someone's undivided attention at one point. Going to see if I can make a drawing with one.

少年が十九歳でいられる最後の夕方は、地面が湿っていた。 梅雨の合間の曇り空で、駅前のアスファルトは乾ききらず、歩くたびに靴底がわずかに吸い付く。 「お前、雨男だな」と友人に言われたことを思い出すが、梅雨なんだから当たり前だろうと心の中でつっこむ。そう思いながらも、明日から成人だというのに、俺は相変わらず他人に意見を言えないままだった。 最後の10代だから、せめて今日くらいは一人で、少しでもこの日を長く過ごそうと思い、いつもと違う道を歩いてみる。

バイトの帰り、俺はいつもの道を外れた。 塩ラーメンを食べるために、あえて少し遠回りする。 バイト先の便座の保温が壊れていたのを思い出す。まあそろそろ辞めるしな、と思いながら、腹が減ってきた。アーモンドをリュックに常備するようになってから無駄な菓子を買わなくなり、こういう寄り道がささやかな贅沢になった。

歩きながら、ふと左手が髪を引っ張った。 「あ、伸びたな」 脳より先に左手が気づくのが面白くて、少年は小さく笑った。

ラーメン屋に入る前、イトーヨーカドーに寄った。特に買う予定はない。 各フロアに置かれた椅子が目に入る。あれは自分の休憩場所だ。ヨーカドーはフロアに椅子が多いのが好きだ。今日も長めに座ってみるかと思いつつ、スマホの時計を見ると、いつもどおり10分ほどしか経っていない。

信号待ちの間、少年は過去の自分の文章をスマホで読み返した。 「目的も決めずに車を走らせて、その場でお金を稼ぐやつをやってみたい」 そんな文章が残っていて、思わず苦笑する。 そういうのもやってみたいよなあと、ずっとうっすら思っているのに、そんなことをやる元気はいつだってない。

ラーメン屋に着く前、ジムの前を通りかかった。ガラス越しに見えるトレーナーたちの笑顔は、いつも妙に明るい。ストレッチを教えている彼らの笑顔に反射して、俺がいつだって無表情なのが分かる。 その瞬間、後輩が先輩に向かって「先輩って意外とリテラシーありますよね」と言っていたのを思い出す。次の瞬間、後輩は突き飛ばされていたが、そのあと先輩に引っ張り上げられて、なんだかんだで愛されていた。 そんななつっこいコミュニケーションを、俺はまだしたことがないし、これからもできないだろう。

塩ラーメンを食べ終えた帰り道、近所のコンビニに寄った。 前のおじいさんがQR決済をしようとスマホを差し出し、スキャナにググゥ～と押し付けている。 おじいさんって機械を信用してなさすぎて、やたら押し付けるよなと思いつつ、後ろで見守った。こういう場面でも、俺は事象を確認しているだけで、物語にはいつも参加できていない。

家に帰る途中、ふと東京で食べたビリヤニの味を思い出した。 家の近くではなく、わざわざ東京まで一人で食べに行ったあの日。 ビリヤニはもちろん美味しかったが、「なんか起きろ」とうっすらいつも思っていて、何も起きないから、いつも寂しい。そもそも、なにか起きたことなんて一度もないのに。

家の玄関の鍵を開ける前、少年は空を見上げた。 明日、自分は二十歳になる。 ただ数字が変わるだけなのに、胸の奥がざわつく。

十九歳の最後の夜は、静かに湿っていた。 その湿り気の中で、少年は思った。 明日は今日の自分より、もう少しうまく歩けますように。

そして鍵を回した。 ドアを開けても、自分の家の玄関が、ただそこにあるだけだった。

5.3.26:0730

HRV: 60 Body Battery: 78

Last night I was in bed and lights out at exactly 2214, up at 0645. Woke twice in the night for the bathroom. Not having any alcohol or sugar from today so I can improve the quality of my sleep. Everything is all about the sleep now. I have years of deprivation to catch up on.

The next four days my body will be ridding itself of the leftover products from breaking down alcohol, and after that I can start healing.

Triple-fisting three Claude Code instances is my limit — I can't practically monitor the output of one more without ignoring another; this must be the feeling of being in a polycule, except with none of the fun parts. And yet the rain keeps pouring.

I want to record an important principle I follow when writing on this blog. I do not use AI to write significant portions of text for me, and I have no intention of ever doing so. The process of writing is so helpful that I can't give it up.

There was an article where GPT-4 attempted to write three posts in my voice, but it was clearly explained as such. I also occasionally use AI to help with my grammar or other phrasing, but in those cases, I never lift more than a few words from the response. I consult with AI about wording like that about as often as I consult a thesaurus.

AI slop doesn't worry me as much as it worries some others. I expect AI-generated content will improve dramatically over time and will become indistinguishable from content produced by the human mind. We may already be there, for all intents and purposes. As far as I'm concerned, that's not the point. Again, the process of writing benefits me, and I'm not willing to forego that benefit.

There is an upcoming post which uses an image generated by ChatGPT. That post credits ChatGPT as the creator, and I plan to always credit AI for images it creates.

#Life #Tech