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Chapter 1: The Card That Stayed on the Table

Your thumb hovers over the call button, but the screen still shows what your daughter wrote yesterday: “Please give me some time.” On the table sits a birthday card with her name written carefully across the envelope. You want to send it. You also know that sending another message might feel less like love to her and more like another request she has to manage. So you leave the card where it is and try to accept that an apology does not entitle you to an answer.

My video explores why Barabbas was released instead of Jesus, but I keep thinking about the people standing beyond the edges of that Gospel account. We remember the prisoner whose door was opened. We remember the crowd that demanded his release. But what about the people affected by the violence that led to his imprisonment? The Bible does not tell us their names or what they felt when he went free. I do not want to put words in their mouths. I just do not want to forget that they mattered.

Perhaps this is why learning to receive grace without dismissing the harm we caused can be so difficult. We fear that accepting God's forgiveness means asking everybody else to act as though nothing happened. Sometimes we fear the opposite: that if someone we hurt is still angry, God's mercy cannot possibly be real. Both thoughts leave us trapped, as if the only choices are to excuse ourselves or condemn ourselves forever.

Mark 15 tells us that Barabbas was imprisoned with rebels involved in an uprising in which murder had been committed. Pilate released him, while Jesus was handed over for crucifixion. Scripture gives us no account of Barabbas making amends, and it does not tell us what became of anyone harmed in that uprising. Those gaps deserve honesty. They also prevent us from tying everything into a pleasant ending that would make us feel more comfortable.

Maybe your daughter will call. Maybe she will not, at least not soon. What you can do tonight is honor the space she requested, ask God to show you what needs to change, and begin making those changes whether anyone notices or not. That does not settle the question of forgiveness. It lets you approach it without making somebody else's pain disappear.

The unnamed people in Barabbas's story remain outside our view. I wonder whether paying attention to that silence can teach us something important about the way Jesus loves people on both sides of a wound.

Chapter 3: Grace Has No Need for a Cover Story

After the last customer leaves, a mechanic stands beneath the fluorescent lights with an invoice in his hand. He remembers rushing through the repair because three other cars were waiting. Now the customer has called to say the same problem is back. He can blame an aging vehicle and charge for another visit, or admit that he may have missed something the first time. Nobody is in the shop to tell him which choice to make.

I have come to believe that one of the quietest signs of God's mercy is the courage to stop defending ourselves. When I am afraid of being judged, I can spend more energy explaining my intentions than listening to the damage I caused. I want people to know that I meant well, that I was tired, that there were circumstances they couldn't see. Those things may be true. They can also become a wall between me and the person who needs me to take responsibility.

On the cross beside Jesus, one of the condemned men spoke differently. According to Luke 23:40–43, he acknowledged that his own punishment was deserved, then turned toward Jesus and asked to be remembered. Jesus answered him with a promise of paradise. That man had no opportunity to rebuild a reputation or spend years proving he had changed. His hope rested in Christ's mercy, not in a story that made him look innocent.

Most of us have opportunities he did not. The mechanic can call the customer, look carefully at the repair, and correct his mistake without charging for work he failed to do properly. He cannot demand a grateful response. The customer may still be upset. But the honest act matters even if forgiveness does not arrive on his schedule.

If you have been holding two things at once—regret for harm you caused and a longing to believe Jesus still welcomes you—please do not assume you must choose between them. You can face the truth about your actions and trust the mercy of Christ. The same grace that allows us to confess also gives us strength to make what repairs we can.

Chapter 4: When the Door Opens but the Pain Remains

On a quiet Saturday morning, a woman is sorting through a box of photographs when she finds one taken with a friend she no longer speaks to. They are standing together in the sunshine, laughing at something the camera never captured. Their friendship ended after a betrayal that neither of them has been able to fully repair. She holds the photograph for a moment, remembering how much that relationship once meant to her. Then she places it back in the box. She has forgiven what she can, but she still misses what was lost.

I think this is where our understanding of grace needs room to become more honest. We sometimes expect forgiveness to restore everything exactly as it was. We imagine that if Jesus has truly healed our hearts, the memories should stop hurting. But healing does not always look like getting back what we lost. Sometimes it means learning to live faithfully without allowing that loss to control every decision we make.

When I think about Barabbas, I no longer see only the mystery of a guilty man being released. I also see the unanswered questions surrounding everyone involved. His freedom did not erase the violence that had occurred. The suffering of Jesus was real. Yet through His death and resurrection, Christ offers something greater than a convenient ending. He offers reconciliation with God and the possibility of becoming new.

Perhaps there is someone you cannot reconcile with today. Perhaps you are the one who needs to make amends, or perhaps you are still recovering from something another person did. You can bring either burden to Jesus without pretending the situation is simpler than it is.

And maybe that is the truth worth carrying home. The mercy of Christ does not require us to deny our wounds. It gives us hope that those wounds do not have to decide the rest of our lives.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

Explore the complete Douglas Vandergraph Master Index: https://douglasvandergraph.com/douglas-vandergraph-master-index/

Watch Douglas Vandergraph’s faith-based videos on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@douglasvandergraph

Well it happened again!!

I have the same back pain again that I have been having for the past few years. “Luckily” this is the 5th this year it has happened.

One of worst things I have ever experienced. It takes me to my bed. Lie there for a few days before I can recover.

And this time, there wasn't any apparant reason. In all the last instances it has always been that either I sneezed, or was folding the bed sheet, lifting my kid. I always had a reason.

Not this time, there was no reason, last Tuesday suddenly I started feeling stiffness in my neck. Then slowly it radiated towards the back. I in that moment knew, what is coming. Although I did not know what to do. I started moving carefully, not lifting even small things otherwise it would be triggered.

Nevertheless it happened. I am not lying in the sofa breathing controllably otherwise it pains.

Now why is this happening again?

I thought it was due to muscle imbalance. So I started strengthening the pelvis and back muscles. I am even training the deep spine muscles which generally don't need extra training.

I am doing all the IYTW raises to keep a good posture, bought a standing desk now because sitting continuously can also cause these issues. I know muscles get weakend and this cause spasms.

Although even then it should not be so frequent.

Then why?

A new theory I am now understanding is that it may not be a problem of the muscle itself.

I found this documentary All the rage by Dr Sarno.

It argues that the back spasm is not actually the muscles problem but it is a way for your body to tell you to chill.

When you are consistently generating anxiety, taking and coping with stress, your mind becomes tired. Even when you dont feel like it, you are burned out. So your mind wants a break.

“Nothing is wrong with your back; it’s your mind trying to distract you from normal life stress.”

And to be honest, past year has been stressful. Even when I don't like to admit it, the stress of searching for job, thinking about what would I do if I don't get a job. The bigger stress being what would I do if I don't get a job.

It was a good coping mechanism to rely on past experiences or wisdom that there is a plan for you but that's what they were. Coping mechanism. The stress, anxiety was always there.

Even now when there is a job, the stress factor is continued. Along with the normal job stress level, I think I am doing a lot of things at the moment. There are two courses I needed to finish, one practicum presentation. Along with that I am doing the language course. And this all in addition to the normal office tasks, family responsibilities.

One thing has been in the back of my mind for long time: I do not get time for myself. From the moment I wake up, it is taking Akshat to school, then office, bring Akshat back, again office. Post that take kid to the park or go do groceries, and if I do get some time in between, do the home work of the courses, of dutch class or try to squeeze a workout.

The all four burners are running continuously for last few months.

The biggest burner

I haven't told about the biggest burner yet. The stammering. No matter how much I speak and let the stammering not be a big factor in my day to day life, saying it is not a biggest contributor to my anxiety would not be honest.

Every moment I have to speak, it is always the first that how would I manage the stammering. The anxiety related to it is ever present. I do know the ways to cope with it. But as said coping doesn't mean solving.

Maybe this book/documentary would help me finally understand the cause of my back problems.

Although it doesn't explain why it happens all the time in autumn 🍂.

In my previous post, we established the economic baseline for an unbuffered 1,200 W plug-in solar system. The annual balance sheet works: even with zero net metering credits, an entry-level kit pays for itself in roughly six years.

However, that baseline analysis exposed an acute operational flaw: the shoulder-season surplus paradox. For example, on a sunny March day the modeled 1,200 W system would have produced 8.96 kWh of AC power, but Leg 1 household demand would only have absorbed 2.70 kWh. The remaining 6.25 kWh (69.8% of daily production) would have flowed out through the meter, uncredited onto the distribution grid. Under Virginia’s plug-in solar law’s “use-it-or-lose-it” rules, that power is a zero-dollar gift to the utility.

This brings us to the next phase of the evaluation: Adding a local battery to a plug-in solar array. A battery on a 120V plug-in circuit saves excess generation, allowing it to be used later as solar production wanes. However, the central question is not whether storage works, but whether the capital cost of adding kilowatt-hours of storage pays off by capturing that uncredited surplus.

Modeled System Setup

A 1200 W peak capacity solar array connected to an all-in-one AC-coupled plug-in solar plus storage system with:

• A microinverter
  
• Battery management system
  
• Current transformer (CT) clamps

Unlike traditional hybrid inverters that manage large central arrays, these units are module-level power electronics (MLPE) devices, converting direct current (DC) from solar panels into alternating current (AC) right at the source while simultaneously managing energy flow to a connected battery. The CT clamps allow measuring energy flows to and from the grid, so the system can prevent power export.

Some systems like this do exist, but they aren’t currently available to purchase in Virginia. I expect that to change after Virginia’s new plug-in solar law comes into effect January 1, 2027.

Modeling the Daily Capture Curve: The March 28 Benchmark

To evaluate how effectively battery storage preserves the economic value of excess generation, I ran an analysis of five storage sizes (1, 3, 5, 7, and 9 kWh) against a 24-hour period starting with the first solar generation on March 28, 2026.

To model realistic battery physics, I assumed an 80% usable Depth of Discharge (DoD) window (e.g., cycling between 10% and 90% state-of-charge to protect cell longevity). I chose the five battery sizes to demonstrate the incremental value gained from larger capacities:

Battery Size (kWh)	Usable Capacity (kWh - 80% DoD)
1	0.8
3	2.4
5	4
7	5.6
9	7.2

The boundary conditions for the modeled day were set by the smart meter readings from Dominion Power Virginia and the power generation curve using pvlib:

Parameter	Value	Notes
Model Start	March 28, 2026 7:30:00 - 7:59:59	The first period of solar production in the analyzed day
Model End	March 29, 2026 7:00:00 - 7:29:59	Last period immediately preceding resumption of solar electricity generation in the modeled 24 hour period
1,200 W Solar DC Generation	9.47 kWh DC	8.96 kWh AC potential
Daytime Leg 1 Demand	2.70 kWh AC	2.85 kWh DC consumed by inverter
Excess Solar Available to Shunt to Battery	6.62 kWh DC
Nighttime Leg 1 Demand	2.08 kWh AC	Consumed across 21 intervals between sunset and sunrise
Total Leg 1 Demand	5.26 kWh AC	3.18 kWh daytime + 2.08 kWh overnight

The model assumptions also included storing the excess energy directly as DC with a 95% round-trip efficiency. The DC electricity was only converted to AC to meet the needs of Leg 1 electrical demand, with a 95% efficiency across the AC inverter.

Household Power Leg 1 Modeled Results

Battery Size (kWh)	Daytime Solar AC Energy Delivered (kWh)	Nighttime Battery AC Energy Delivered (kWh)	Total Energy Delivered (kWh)	Remaining Grid Reliance (kWh)
Solar-Only	2.7	0	2.7	2.56
1	2.7	0.74	3.44	1.82
3	2.7	2.08	4.78	0.48
5	2.7	2.08	4.78	0.48
7	2.7	2.08	4.78	0.48
9	2.7	2.08	4.78	0.48

Due to high solar panel output in full sun and mild spring weather, combined with relatively low household energy consumption, a 3 kWh battery is sufficient to store enough energy to meet the overnight demand on leg 1 of the electrical system.

You’ll notice that even with the largest battery size, the household system still imported 0.48 kWh from the grid for Leg 1. This occurs because the scenario begins with the battery at 0% state of charge. As the sun rises, initial solar production is insufficient to cover Leg 1 usage, resulting in 0.48 kWh imported before solar generation overtakes demand.

The above graph shows the total energy generated by the solar panels (green area) relative to total energy consumption (red area) throughout the day, clearly demonstrating the significant excess production by the solar panels.

The below graph shows the state of charge of the different battery storage sizes modeled and their ability to capture the excess energy. The accumulation rises throughout the day, up to the system limits and begin discharging to leg 1 as solar production dips below demand.

The battery state of charge shows the profile of energy accumulation during the day and subsequent discharge overnight to meet household demand on leg 1. The 3 kWh battery was the minimum size necessary to store enough energy to provide 100% of the overnight energy use on leg 1. The 9 kWh battery was the only system able to capture 100% of the excess generated energy. However, due to the limited power usage in the scenario, much of the excess would need to be used on subsequent days for it all to be consumed.

Battery Size (kWh)	Percent of DC Surplus Captured	Percent of Overnight Demand Met	Percent of Leg 1 Demand Met	Percent of Total Household Energy Demand Met
Solar-Only	0.0%	0.0%	51.4%	25.7%
1	12.4%	35.7%	65.5%	32.8%
3	37.2%	100.0%	90.9%	45.5%
5	62.0%	100.0%	90.9%	45.5%
7	86.8%	100.0%	90.9%	45.5%
9	100.0%	100.0%	90.9%	45.5%

Insights

• Near-Total Leg 1 Self-Sufficiency: On a temperate day, when the household energy demand is low, adding modest storage transforms the performance of the branch circuit. A 3 kWh battery is sufficient to enable meeting 90.9% of leg 1 energy demand on the modeled day.
  
• The Single-Leg Saturation Ceiling: The 1,200 W solar array actually generated more power than the total household consumption for the analysis period. This highlights the fundamental limitation of a single-circuit plug-in architecture, even if storage eliminates 100% of Leg 1's grid reliance, on mild, sunny days the array would generate more energy than that single circuit would use.

While batteries significantly enhance the value of a photovoltaic system during shoulder seasons, how long would it take for utility savings to offset the initial investment? My next post will analyze year-round performance and system economics.

Tags: #Solar #PlugIn #Balcony #BatteryStorage #Modeling

In Summary: * After returning home from our busy afternoon out, I was too exhausted, both physically and mentally to do any worthwhile unpacking and/or organizing. So I muddled through the rest of the day as best I could. The wife has already retired for the night, and I'll be doing the same in an hour or so after the night meds and night prayers.

Prayers, etc.: * I have a daily prayer regimen I try to follow throughout the day from early morning, as soon as I roll out of bed, until head hits pillow at night.

Health Metrics: * bw= 212.86 lbs. * bp= 149/86 (66)

Exercise: * morning stretches, balance exercises, kegel pelvic floor exercises, half squats, calf raises, toe raises, wall push-ups, BP breathing exercises, pilates

Diet: * 05:40 – 2 HEB bakery chocolate chip cookies * 08:30 – 1 banana * 09:00 – apple pie * 11:00 – BIG buffet brunch at Golden Corral

Activities, Chores, etc.: * 03:45 – wake up * 05:55 – bank accounts activity monitored * 07:00 – read, write, pray, follow news reports from various sources, surf the socials, take daily meds, unpack, organize * 11:00 – BIG buffet brunch at Golden Corral with the wife * 15:30 – after 4 hours of shopping, stopping by the old house, and being stuck in ridiculous traffic jams, we're finally back home to resume unpacking and organizing

Chess: * 17:30 – moved in all pending CC games

are we hostile to incubation?

Henry Miller writes that “(t)he best thing about writing is not the actual labour of putting word against word, brick upon brick, but the preliminaries, the spade work, which is done in silence, under any circumstances, in dream as well as in the waking state. In short, the period of gestation. […] In this preliminary state, which is creation and not birth, what disappears suffers no destruction; something which was already there, something imperishable […] is summoned and in it one flings himself like a twig in a torrent”

To be human is to always be incubating something. This, quite irrespective of one’s preoccupations and intentions. Incubating is a primordial activity. It goes on as surely as I am unaware of it: it is the ‘primal flux’, as Henry Miller says. That I can go along, plunged in its tidings, yet hardly aware of them, is the interesting point to me. Incubating’s natural home is my everyday affairs. Its bewitching power expressed in the tiny irruptions into my daily tribulations. The cat sways its tail hypnotically and then disappears into the undergrowth of that looming hedge. But you dare not follow because you are already late for work. The traveller sitting opposite you on the train smiles around alluringly, yearning for the chance of conversation with anyone, extremely interested in how you’ve come to be as you are. But you shush your keenness. Or perhaps her openness to you is peeling you away from managing your little practicalities, which stiffens you. Like this you and I go on in the habitual way, murdering daydreams everywhere. And whereas daydreams pour forth so effortlessly, it is my fidgety ways that leave me quite exhausted come the end of the day. If the everyday is incubation’s home, then it is an inhospitable one.

JOURNAL 10 octobre 2026

Midori est venue me chercher avec son sac, on a attendu ma princesse On est allées manger dans un super restaurant de sushi Hayame va passer le week-end chez ses parents alors midori vient à la maison pour pas être seule C’est qu’on est les seules à avoir une grande maison, les autres ont des appartements si on peut dire minuscules, C’est ça être une fille de famille ☹️ D'ailleurs je suis la seule vraie tôkyôkko de la bande, j'en suis pas si fière c'est juste pour expliquer, au moins on peut en faire profiter les amies Comme on est quand-même un peu fatiguees toutes les trois on va rentrer se coucher. On a plus de une heure de métro hé

Métro métro métro Qu'est ce que c'est chiant… Par moments j'ai l’impression de m'endormir et puis mon téléphone vibre et ça me réveille (on coupe les alarmes sonores ici, le métro c’est silencieux). Je me retrouve la tête sur l'épaule de midori. Situation tout à fait banale. Tout le monde s’endort dans le métro le soir on s'appuie les uns sur les autres c’est normal. Sauf ma princesse impériale qui ne dort pas et pose sur nous ses grands yeux bleus affectueux qui font une tache de couleur dans le noir des costumes salarymen effondrés ici et là. Quelle hécatombe ce soir...

I am proud of my latest generated web game called Worldroot. It is an idle game where you nurture a tree seed until it becomes a world tree. I even learned how to move a game from github over to itch.io very easily. I hope you give this game a try, as it’s very healing and peaceful https://triptych.itch.io/worldroot

Nous sommes attirés par l’obscure. Le malheur, les drames, nos évènements malchanceux.

Mais je me pose une question : je sais que c’est un biais. Que cela déforme ma réalité et ma manière de voir les choses. Mais à quel moment faire face à l’obscure est-elle la meilleure chose à faire ? À quel moment nos pensées malheureuses sont-elles pertinentes ?

Doit-on faire confiance à notre interprétation ou toujours, quelle que soit la situation, préférer à tout prix nos idées lumineuses ?

Vaut-il mieux se mentir à soi-même ou se jeter à corps perdu dans une mentalité productive et libératrice ?

En définitive, voilà ce que je me dis : la vérité n’existe pas. Nos interprétations sont erronées. Toujours.

Seule notre vérité compte. Seule notre vérité nous aide à croître ou à creuser notre tombe.

Alors, ayant le choix, préférons cette vérité qui nous amène vers plus de paix et d’altruisme.

Ce n’est pas la vérité de notre voisin ? Et alors ? Est-ce si important ? A-t-on vraiment besoin de se mettre d’accord sur nos croyances pour réussir à vivre ?

J’en doute de plus en plus.

Vouloir à tout prix avoir raison ne semble mener nulle part.

Et après tout, qui a raison ? Une idée partagée par 100 000 personnes la rend-elle plus vraisemblable ?

Si chaque personne que je croise dans la rue me trouve hideux, est-ce une raison pour moi d’accorder du crédit à ce qu’ils disent ?

Si je le fais, je m’enfonce. Si je ne le fais pas, cela me demande une certaine force d’esprit, mais me libère.

Alors aujourd’hui, je me dis que ma vérité vaut autant que celles des autres. Que cette vérité n’est peut-être pas partagé. Qu’elle n’est peut-être pas conventionnelle. Probablement marginale quelques fois.

Mais cette vérité m’illumine. Et au fond, c’est ce qui compte. J’espère être à la hauteur de ces mots que je partage ici.

Podden har under de senaste två decennierna utvecklats från ett relativt okänt fenomen till en självklar del av svenskarnas mediekonsumtion. Det som en gång började som ett alternativ till traditionell radio har blivit en etablerad underhållnings- och informationskanal med miljontals lyssnare. I dag finns svenska poddar inom nästan alla tänkbara ämnen, från nyheter och politik till humor, sport, historia och personlig utveckling.

När podcastformatet började växa fram i början av 2000-talet var tekniken fortfarande ganska begränsad. Lyssnarna behövde ofta ladda ner ljudfiler till sina datorer eller MP3-spelare för att kunna ta del av innehållet. Till skillnad från traditionell radio erbjöd podden däremot något nytt: möjligheten att själv välja vad man ville lyssna på och när. Denna frihet blev en avgörande faktor för formatets framtida framgång.

I Sverige började podcastformatet få ett bredare genomslag under slutet av 2000-talet och framför allt under 2010-talet. Sveriges Radio bidrog till utvecklingen genom att göra allt fler program tillgängliga för lyssning i efterhand. Samtidigt började fristående innehållsskapare upptäcka möjligheterna med formatet. Poddar som Värvet och Alex & Sigges podcast blev tidiga framgångsexempel och visade att det fanns en stor publik för personliga samtal, intervjuer och underhållning utanför de traditionella mediekanalerna.

Smarttelefonernas genomslag förändrade förutsättningarna ytterligare. När det blev enkelt att streama och ladda ner avsnitt direkt i mobilen ökade tillgängligheten kraftigt. Poddlyssnande blev snabbt en naturlig del av vardagen, särskilt under pendling, promenader, träning och hushållsarbete. Plattformar som Spotify och Apple Podcasts bidrog också till att göra utbudet mer lättillgängligt och hjälpa lyssnare att upptäcka nya program.

En viktig del av poddens popularitet i Sverige är det stora utbudet av innehåll. Dokumentära berättelser, kriminalfall och samhällsfrågor har lockat många lyssnare, samtidigt som humor och vardagliga samtal har blivit några av formatets starkaste kategorier. Många söker exempelvis efter roliga poddar som erbjuder avslappnad underhållning, spontana diskussioner och personliga berättelser. Just känslan av närhet mellan programledare och lyssnare är något som skiljer poddar från många andra medieformer.

Under 2020-talet har den svenska poddbranschen dessutom blivit alltmer professionell. Det som tidigare ofta producerades av entusiaster hemma vid köksbordet har utvecklats till en marknad med produktionsbolag, annonsörer, exklusiva avtal och avancerade inspelningsstudior. Företag har också börjat använda poddar som ett sätt att kommunicera med sina målgrupper, bygga varumärken och sprida kunskap.

Samtidigt har konkurrensen om lyssnarnas uppmärksamhet ökat. Med ett växande antal program behöver innehållsskapare hitta tydliga nischer och utveckla egna uttryck för att sticka ut. Sociala medier spelar en allt större roll för marknadsföringen, där korta ljud- och videoklipp används för att locka nya lyssnare. Även videopoddar har blivit vanligare, vilket gör att gränsen mellan traditionella podcasts och digitala videoprogram blir allt mindre tydlig.

En annan förändring är utvecklingen av poddarnas affärsmodeller. Reklam och sponsring har länge varit viktiga intäktskällor, men prenumerationer och betalväggar har skapat nya möjligheter för producenter att finansiera sitt innehåll. För lyssnarna innebär det att vissa program fortfarande är helt kostnadsfria, medan andra erbjuder exklusiva avsnitt och extramaterial mot betalning.

Framtiden för poddar i Sverige ser fortsatt intressant ut. Ny teknik, bättre rekommendationssystem och artificiell intelligens kan förändra både produktionen och distributionen av ljudinnehåll. Samtidigt fortsätter efterfrågan på personliga berättelser, trovärdiga röster och engagerande samtal att vara central.

Poddens utveckling visar hur snabbt människors medievanor kan förändras när ny teknik möter ett tydligt behov. Från enkla nedladdningsbara ljudfiler till en omfattande och kommersiellt betydelsefull bransch har podcastformatet etablerat sig som en viktig del av det svenska medielandskapet. Trots tekniska förändringar och nya konsumtionsmönster är det fortfarande innehållet, berättelserna och relationen till lyssnarna som avgör vilka poddar som lyckas över tid.

Good morning!

Good morning! Just a quick note to let you know I’ve started a YouTube channel. There are six videos up as I write this. Some are new, and a few are from the last time I had a channel. Either way, the oldest stuff on there goes back about a year, so it’s all relatively recent.

I’m allergic to most modern mixing.

What I hope to do with this channel is help folks like me bridge the gap between not wanting to learn any more software and still wanting to learn more about music.

I like it the hard way. (But it is actually easier for folks like me.)

Tape DAWs help with that immensely. But so does mic placement. Using the right tools, rather than simply the brand names you like, helps too. I can verify that. Learning creative writing exercises for lyrics instead of relying on ChatGPT helps. It also gives me a way to sort things out in my head and improve my mood. Win/win.

I want more of this in my life.

There are so many things you can do to improve a recording before you ever hit the record button. Software companies might beg to differ, but you can engineer a surprising amount of modern mixing right out of the process from the beginning.

I’m into that.

Does it sound good before you mix it? What if it did?

For about a year now, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of creating the sound I want in the real world and then capturing it well. The goal is to have something that already sounds the way I want it to before mixing even begins.

It takes longer. It presents its own challenges. But somehow, it’s more fun.

I don’t enjoy trying to turn something from a software menu into the sound I have in my head. That’s just me. I’m much more interested in hearing something in my head first and then chasing it down in the real world.

Legos: Great toys, but also toys.

Otherwise, I feel like I’m playing with Legos. The blocks they give me are fine. Legos are cool and all, but when it comes to music, I need something more organic and a little less stiff.

Come join me.

I’m at a really fun point in my journey with songwriting and production, and I’d love for you to visit.

If subscribing is your thing, please do!

I’ll be adding tutorials, livestreams, conversations about songwriting and music, music videos, editorials on music and entertainment, protest music, and even an indie countdown.

There’s plenty more to come.

Join up, hang out, and make yourself at home. You’re invited!

Kelly Kintner

The Horses Mouth

The Kintners

Djembe Funk

Woke early this morning and encountered a mystery while getting dressed. Heard a knocking (5 loud knocks) coming from next door. Looking out the window I saw the neighbor's lights shining down on his pickup truck. Nothing seemed out of place, no one moving around, no more knocks, so I went about fixing the morning coffee.

Sun is shining brightly now at 08:30 on this South Texas morning and at 61 degrees it feels like a beautiful Fall morning. Of course, it'll be up in the 90's this afternoon and feeling very much like Summer again.

More unpacking and organizing will be priorities today. Depending on the wife's plans, I hope to make a quick trip to the old house, verifying that some things I need have been moved over here to the trailer.

And the adventure continues.

13 September 2026

“Dinner”

Pulled apart then chosen all green and in line living raw bodies met by the new border crossing.

Two one-time friends recognized each other again and decided to plan an old memory.

It arrived some weeks later, one greeted the other, meal made blind by fear of a recipe practiced

twice before. Only once was sugar left out, and it happened when they came together

11 September 2026

At the plaza area just outside of Yeonsinnae station: a university age girl weaving around passersby on a longboard with her camera set up on a tripod at ground level, a man walking around erratically with one wired headphone in (jerking gait, occasional sudden violent steps forward), a middle-aged man calmly walking the circumference of the plaza in a circle—every time he passed in front of us it felt like a glitch, a man kneeling before a bench on which stuff from an emptied backpack was spread out—bits of printed material, wadded up food wrappers, small trinkets—he never stood up the entire time we were there.

Also saw a large white billboard/sign of the letters “SMK” in block capitals; it's discolored by weather and time such that the letters look embossed, and apparently it's advertising a smoking cafe. At the dead end of an alley we wandered down not far from there, found a pointed structure with a taut scrim pulled over it like a carnival tent. But at its tips, the material seemed to be pulled upwards, as if by fishing wire from the sky.

Since I always ask myself questions around my birthday, I thought I would do so here. I don't know if I'll be posting this on my birthday or not. I don't know what questions I will be asking myself. I will probably give some LLM a convoluted prompt and see what it spits out, then select a few.

I am a woman who has circled the sun 54 times in this form. In the Wesrern (Tropical) Zodiac, I am a Libra Sun/Capricorn Rising/Sagittarius Moon with a Libra stellium. In the Vedic Zodiac, I am a Virgo Sun/Capricorn Rising/Scorpio Moon. My Chinese Zodiac is Outer Shell Water Rat/Inner Animal Metal Dog/True Self Wood Tiger/Secret Persona Fire Sheep (Goat). Since some cultures and persons believes it matters, I'm O (Negative to be precise. Don't come for my kidneys or my brain. Trust me on that.) Splash a hefty dollop of INFP and INTP confusion into the mix, and voila! You either get someone who's well-balanced or out of their ever-loving-mind. Since I'm a Libra, I see no reason not to be both. Do enjoy the visuals if you've made it this far.

53 was not easy. Many illusions were shattered. As were a few trusts. My empathetic and analytical sides were at constant odds with each other. Multiple occurrences completely outside of my control decided to waylay me. As did a few within my control. I would say that it was probably the second most challenging year of my adult life from a psychological perspective. I am not leaving it behind without a few scars. And that's just fine. Scars add depth, and we all need a little more depth if we wish to grow.

I think the most challenging aspect has been continuing to hold on to the ability to believe in others as well as myself. On the personal side, I'm very aware of the obstacles I face and how they complicate matters. On the societal side, I really struggle a lot. A lot would be an understatement. That disappoints me in myself because I do not want it to be true. There is a massive emotional part of me that needs people to be and do better. The rest of me thinks she's unrealistic and shit out of luck because humans are... human. I've developed some approaches in dealing with the duality. I'm sure their development will continue with this next year.

I think I'll find a few questions now because otherwise I'll likely share more than I want to since I use this blog/journal for me. I'm still aware other people can read it, as much as I might try to hide that awareness from myself. It gives me anxiety to be so open, but at the same time I think it a healthy practice.

1. What happened this past year that would have seemed impossible to the person twelve months ago?

No matter what, I have long held one thing to be true as a non-negotiable fact. One of those come hell or highwater, in spite of anything else, it would remain true. Like I could trust it with my life kind of true. That got annihilated in the ugliest, most unbelievable, still blows my mind a year later kind of way. I'm currently in a place where I have to acknowledge it's not really all that surprising when using hindsight and being extremely real with myself. But I also have to acknowledge that it ripped out something from within me that I had fought my own emotions to keep secure. I hope that there will come a time when I can have that belief, albeit different, burn so vibrantly within myself again, but I am unsure if that's possible. It is one of those areas where acknowledging reality and human nature utterly destroys me.

2. If the year could testify against the version of events I tell about myself, what would it bring forward as evidence?

Ouch. I'm too understanding. Even typing that makes me wince because it really goes against my belief system. I let people get away with things I'd never allow myself to get away with. Mostly because they appear to be incapable of understanding otherwise. And I've really had to look at how I see reciprocity. Not in action, but in spirit. I really want to believe the best in people. We all have flaws. Everyone makes mistakes. But humans are selfish as fuck for the most part. It's a small group who is not and who both understands and willingly sacrifices. I don't even think most are self-aware enough to realize what they do. It breaks my heart. I want to believe the opposite, but our actions simply won't allow me to.

3. What did I stop tolerating, and was that the result of wisdom, exhaustion, resentment, or some combination of all three?

The crossing of boundaries. In fairness, I definitely allowed it more than not. I would say it a result of all three. Exhaustion because it just gets that way. Most people are very one-sided on the energy suckage scale. Resentment because I find it extremely challenging to believe or accept that an intelligent person doesn't know what they're doing. Wisdom, or perhaps a step in that direction, is that to say “no” doesn't stop us from being kind, and someone getting upset with us because we draw a line does not mean we're causing harm. Sometimes we have to fight our nature. It sucks a lot, but it is just what it is.

4. Who entered my life this year and changed the questions I ask, rather than simply supplying answers?

This person did not enter my life this year, but they've been in it more. They don't take. It's just three small words, but they're eye-opening words. There is reciprocity. Not because it's called out or even required. It just is what it is. I think we both pay attention and the doing so matters. I find a comfort in that balance, and I think their own behavior has helped me to realize just how much I do tone myself down and smooth myself out for the comfort of others. It is nice to not need to do that. Not that I'm throwing my daffy side in their direction, but they get most others. I enjoy the calm, and I enjoy the thinking.

5. What would I like to know by the end of next year that I cannot know without living through it?

I hope I will get to a place where any form of dependency I might have on someone is by choice and not need. I'm working on it, and that would give me great comfort. I would like to have trust and love in a partner that I could see enjoying life with. I'd like to be able to fully be myself with someone who is doing the same, and those selves compliment each other.

That's really the big two. They're big enough on their own. Everything else is sprinkles and just fits into place. I'd like to be able to be completely at ease and loved whether I'm nerding out, ranting, questioning everything, or splattered head to toe in paint. I'd like to be able to not worry about my appearance as far as superficial nonsense goes. I'd like to be seen for my mind and heart as opposed to my appearance. I would like to be able to show my vulnerabilities and they be accepted as opposed to the constant masks. I would like to have a cat again.

I would like to hold my head high while being completely unmasked and naked and still be absolutely ok if every single person in the room screamed and ran in the other direction. If there were other equally naked individuals grinning, unmasked and doing their thing, that would be awesome.

That's my goals for this next year. They're pretty simple. Toss in all the obvious learning, volunteering, artsy endeavors, and add not imploding from the insanity of the world to the picture, and I think it pretty complete. Having lots of sex would be utterly amazing as well, but if not that is what the bottom drawer is for — I love myself. And hopefully, I will continue doing so for many years to come.

Happy Birthday (somewhere around now) to me!

PS... 54!!! I'm seriously ancient! I have chin hairs! I refuse to braid them. I've developed a deep understanding to the attraction of comfortable clothes. All joking aside, I do actually like myself for the most part. Even the parts I'd like to improve, I still accept. I am not who 18 year old me thought I would be at this age, but I'm pretty happy with the results thus far. If I come out of a box of chocolates, I am the dark chocolate covered toffee deliciousness. A nibbler might get cavities from my unexpected sweetness, but I am totally worth the bite. Watch out 55! I'm coming for you!

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

Today I just decided fuck it. I’m going to go for a one rep Max on bench press, because I right now I am not doing a program and I am trying to find a coach. I got 295 On bench, and I honestly didn’t feel anything because I honestly expected myself to have a lot more in me. It has been like six months since my last bench press PR and I have been doing powerlifting training, and I know that I haven’t been working at lower weights, but it kind of does hurt to feel like I was only able to get 10 more pounds. Especially because I gave it three more minutes and then I tried with 300 pounds, and that did not get a foot off my chest. I also know that I am kind of sick, I did not really get much sleep last night, and I also did not eat a ton of food ahead of time. And I also did not take much for rest. But I really want to be strong. I don’t know the last time I really had a dream for something, but a little part of me thinks how cool it would be to have a team USA singlet. Actually being competitive in something again and being cool like that. But it’s kind of hard when it feels like I have been working at this and maybe not going out at the right way, but it feels like I’m not really getting stronger and maybe at some point there is a genetic limit. And I know that I can get way stronger, but maybe I just am not able To be a team USA powerlifters. And I don’t really want to think about me not being able to do something, because I really want to believe that if I put my mind to something I can get it. But that’s what makes me so afraid to have this dream, because when I don’t give my word to it, it’s like confirmation that I really do not believe in myself in that sense.