As a father, I spend hours a week at playgrounds. For the first two years I shadowed my kiddo every single step. Now I stand at the periphery. I stand a lot. I wait a lot. Many and most parents and caregivers pass the hours on their phones. I understand their urge. Busy the mind. Give me something to do.

Yet something occurred to me around the time my daughter began climbing and sliding on her own: this can be time for indwelling, for silent presence, for contemplative love. That inner-shift reoriented everything for me. I went from a dad biding his time to a father dwelling in prayer.

Shrieks of joy, tears of pain, and babble of all sorts fill the air. And I, attuned to heart, hear, “Papa! Look!” I cross the playground to my upside-down daughter who asks, “What're you doing?” And I tell her.

CHAPTER EIGHT: ECHOES

“Sometimes the memories arrive like soft whispers. Other times they crash through me like storms.”

I can’t stop replaying the moments, the life that once felt like ours. Not all the time but enough to keep me there.

The laughter. The small, ordinary things.

We used to race each other to finish crossword puzzles. And no matter how hard he tried, he could not beat me at Boggle. He hated the fact that I was better with words than he was!

He taught me how to parallel park, patient hands guiding mine on the wheel, his voice calm while cars honked behind us.

He showed me how to cut siding, how to always measure twice and cut once. He taught me how to dig holes and set posts for vinyl fences.

We built a “rabbitat” for the rabbit and a playhouse out of scrap material. Two dreamers turning leftovers into a castle.

Towel fights around the house.

Riding shotgun in the wrecker, windows down, air heavy with gas and wind.

I miss all of that. Every lesson. Every inside joke. Every small thing I didn’t know was precious until it was gone.

How can I ever find someone who makes life feel like that again? Someone who makes ordinary things extraordinary?

My heart is full of sadness; my eyes full of tears. I don’t know how to think or feel anymore.

It’s like I am numb, walking through echoes. My life feels incomplete.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and I am alone. The memories keep me company and break me at the same time.

They’re all I have left of a world that no longer exists.

But still, I hold them.

Because even if they hurt, memories are all I have left. But I’ve been asking myself something I never wanted to face:

Why does my mind replay the good moments with someone who broke me?

Why do I remember the laughter, the lessons, the softness but forget the nights I cried myself to sleep.

The way I kept shrinking to fit inside a love that never had room for me? The brain protects the heart by hiding the very things that should keep us away.

How it tucks the pain into dark corners. And spotlights the memories that feel safe, familiar, warm.

But the truth is simple and brutal:

It wasn’t healthy.
It wasn’t steady. It wasn’t love that let me grow. it was love that made me forget who I was.

So why do I miss him?

Because my heart remembers the version of him I hoped was real. Because the good moments were rare, but they were bright. Because even toxic people can give us memories that feel like home.

But missing someone doesn’t mean they were good for you. Missing someone doesn’t mean you should go back. Missing someone only means you’re human.

There are footnotes on this broken bridge— legions of paralysis inkscaped from the droughts of servitude, like dismissive dilations dancing atop the dreary recalibrations of a cracked, yet tethered, dogma. I stoop and scoop in looping high. Head just shy of a mounted celebration. The hesitation is exuberant in its weariness— two steps forward (A race of wherewithal from the back.) I've gotten off track. What I'd give for time on a wrack, extending... There are footnotes on this broken bridge where crosses esteem my lope haunting.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BAD GUY

“Gaslighting isn’t just confusion. It’s erosion.”

They never liked me. Not really.

His mother blamed me for everything. every mood, every mistake, every crack in the picture-perfect family she wanted to see.

He was never held accountable. Not once. He could lie, cheat, and disappear, and somehow, I still became the villain. The bad influence. The problem.

All I ever wanted was to love him and build a family—a normal, quiet life. Sunday dinners, school plays, birthdays that didn’t end in shouting.

But he couldn’t stay faithful or committed. He never gave straight answers to anything; everything somehow turned back on me.

At first, I tried to defend myself. Then I started defending him. And somewhere in between, I stopped recognizing myself.

Gaslighting isn’t just confusion. It’s erosion. It’s waking up one day and realizing you don’t trust your own memories, your own thoughts, or your own eyes.

He would break a promise, then insist I misunderstood. He would do something in private, then act like it never happened in public. Worse, sometimes he would do small, sharp things on purpose just to make me react.

When my anger spilled out, he stayed calm. Collected. He looked like the reasonable one; I looked like the unstable one.

In everyone else’s eyes, he was the patient man trying to manage his dramatic girlfriend. And I was the crazy woman who couldn’t control herself.

Even I didn’t like myself in those moments. I hated the sharpness in my voice and the feeling of being completely out of control.

But those reactions weren’t who I was. They were the result of what he was doing. It was like he was pulling invisible strings, turning me into a version of myself I didn’t even like, just to prove his point.

Over time, I stopped asking if he was lying and started asking if I was crazy. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I imagined it. Maybe I’m the problem.

I learned to scan his face before speaking. I edited my words before they left my mouth. I walked on eggshells in my own home.

And then came the hardest part: mothering through it.

I would stand at Finn’s school concerts with a smile fixed on my face, clapping until my hands stung, while inside I felt hollow.

I would braid Harlow’s hair for picture day, whispering encouragement I didn’t believe for myself.

But I showed up. I kept showing up.

And every night I collapsed onto the couch, convinced I wasn’t enough. Not as a woman, and not as a mother.

Some days I thought about disappearing. And still, somehow, I clawed my way back from that edge over and over again.

It started small. I began writing down what happened.

Not just the words he said, but the way I felt when he said them. I began reading old entries and seeing the patterns. I began naming the gaslighting for what it was.

Little by little, I built a ladder out of my own words. One day, I reached a rung high enough to see over the fog.

It didn’t make the shame disappear overnight, but it gave me a foothold to tell myself something I had almost forgotten how to believe:

This isn’t my fault.

PART 2: THE EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE

CHAPTER SIX: THE LETTER

“Each page was a confession. Each word, a thread pulling me back from the edge.”

I started writing because the emptiness was too loud. Not for anyone else. Not for closure. Just to survive.

I wrote on the backs of envelopes. In the notes app on my phone at 2 a.m., when sleep wouldn’t come and the ache in my chest felt like drowning.

Each page was a confession. Each word, a thread pulling me back from the edge.

I wrote to him: You promised me forever. Do you remember saying that? Do you remember how I believed you? You built me a world and then burned it down, and I’m the one left coughing in the smoke.

I wrote to Finn: I’m sorry you had to grow up faster than you should have. I see the man you’re becoming. I see the weight you carry, and I wish I could lift it off your shoulders. I am proud of you. Always.

I wrote to Harlow: No, baby, I didn’t leave you. I am still your home, even if we don’t live under the same roof. One day you’ll understand that sometimes love fights its hardest battles in the shadows.

None of these letters were sent. But they saved me.

I wrote about the couch. The shame.

The way Harlow’s voice cracked when she asked, “Are we ever going to live together again?”

I wrote about the man who ghosted me. How he made me feel like a fool and then discarded me like a receipt he no longer needed. I wrote about the woman in the mirror, The one who was learning to stand again, to speak again, to believe again.

And then one night, I stopped writing to them. I wrote to the one person who had been quiet the longest: myself.

Each sentence a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Each word a kind of truth that didn’t fit in polite conversation. The kind of truth that bled.

Dear Me,

I know you’re tired. I know you feel like you’ve failed. I know the silence hurts more than the shouting ever did.

But I need you to remember something: You are not broken. You are becoming.

This pain is not your identity. It’s your passage.

You are the mother who keeps showing up. The woman who keeps breathing. The heart that keeps loving even when it’s been shattered.

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be here.

So, cry. Write. Rest. Then rise.

Because you are still here. And that is enough.

Love, Me

Lots of boring accounting and excel sheets today.

But made a little somethin' somethin' for my special lady, which brought me much joy:

#journal

When I was young, I thought writers sat at their favorite desk to write. On it, they had their typewriter or computer, along with messy sheets of paper and folders, and all their accessories. He or she would type uninterrupted for hours along with a cigarette in their mouth and a glass of their favorite poison on their desk.

As a stay-at-home dad with two boys I don’t have that luxury. I only have time to write within the calm moments between the chaos. I’m a field writer. What was interesting was I already learned and applied the lessons when I worked surveillance as a private investigator.

Maybe you’re a busy person who’s having trouble writing and finishing whatever manuscript you’re working on. So I’m writing a short ebook on how you can flourish and get things done while writing in the field. Once I finish it will be published on my Gumroad page and I’ll let you know.

Keep in mind, I’m also working on the new sci-fi series I posted about previously. Stay tuned!

#writing #ebook #fieldwriting #Gumroad

Hey I’m on the train again, inside the train on my way home, yeah?

I have been conferencing today, breathing stale air. There’s a glimpse of what I may have been ended up doing if I’d taken another fork in the road, presales, project planning. I’m glad of this day, and glad I’m more of a technical expert, lurking in the shadows

Of course my head hurts from this bright exposure

It was nice

Of course it was

And yet as I entered into the heavy rain outside I felt refreshed and invigorated

I love the rain

I want to feel something, you know?

In this train in this rain I’m listening to the Waterboys “Red Army blues”; a cautionary tale about a WWII soldier defeating the Germans and being rewarded for his efforts with a single ticket to Gulag

And I’m thinking that it could be worse,

But that’s always the case, unless you’re the guy in the song,

Prepared to give his life to Soviet Russia, having it betray him, now all he has left is the brute will to survive.

Ironic

Now it’s more of a gothic song in my ears it’s very cool to Seelenschmerz

Glaubst du noch an meine Lügen?

Do you still believe in my lies?

Heavy stuff

I love this life!

Ich trage fast jeden Tag eine mechanische Armbanduhr. Das ist, nüchtern betrachtet, keine besonders vernünftige Entscheidung mehr. Mein Smartphone zeigt die Zeit genauer an, mein Computer ebenfalls, und selbst innerhalb der Welt der Armbanduhren wäre eine einfache Quarzuhr punkto Genauigkeit technisch überlegen. Meine mechanische Uhr schafft es sogar, jeden Monat einige Minuten von der objektiven Zeit abzuweichen – ein Feature, das mein Smartphone erstaunlicherweise nicht bietet. Trotzdem trage ich sie. Nicht trotz ihrer Überholtheit, sondern gerade deshalb.

Ähnlich geht es mir beim Schreiben. Ich schreibe viel von Hand und benutze dafür ausdrücklich einen Füllfederhalter. Auch hier ist es schwierig, mit Effizienz zu argumentieren. Eine Tastatur ist schneller, ein Kugelschreiber unkomplizierter, Spracheingabe inzwischen erstaunlich brauchbar. Dennoch gibt es Situationen, in denen ich lieber Papier vor mir habe, die Feder über die Seite führe und Gedanken in einem Tempo festhalte, das deutlich unter meiner Tippgeschwindigkeit liegt.

Man könnte solche Vorlieben vorschnell unter #Nostalgie verbuchen. Das liegt nahe, denn unsere Gegenwart ist reich an Retro-Ästhetik, Reissues, Vintage-Looks und Wiederbelebungen vergangener Formen. Agnes Arnold-Forster zeigt in ihrer Geschichte der Nostalgie, dass die Vorstellung einer verlorenen besseren Vergangenheit keineswegs erst mit dem digitalen Zeitalter entstanden ist. Gerade Zeiten raschen gesellschaftlichen und technologischen Wandels bieten dafür einen fruchtbaren Boden [1].

Nur trifft diese Beschreibung meine Haltung nicht besonders gut.

Eine nostalgische Position würde ungefähr lauten: Früher waren die Dinge besser, also möchte ich etwas von dieser verlorenen Welt bewahren oder zurückholen. Meine Haltung funktioniert aber anders. Ich weiss, dass es heute effizientere, bequemere und technisch überlegene Alternativen gibt. Gerade deshalb kann ich frei entscheiden, wann ich sie benutze und wann nicht. Das ist für mich keine Rückwärtsbewegung, sondern eine bewusste Selektionsentscheidung innerhalb der Moderne.

Der eigentliche Unterschied liegt nicht in den Dingen selbst, sondern darin, wie Vergangenheit und Gegenwart zueinander ins Verhältnis gesetzt werden. Nostalgie erzählt eine Verlustgeschichte. Mich interessiert eher ein Modell der Koexistenz. Das Smartphone macht die mechanische Uhr überflüssig, aber nicht bedeutungslos. Die Tastatur ersetzt Handschrift in vielen Situationen, ohne dass damit das Schreiben von Hand verschwinden muss.

Der Polaroid-Filter in der Kamera-App, der eine vergangene Ästhetik simuliert, ist etwas anderes als mit einem Füllfederhalter tatsächlich von Hand zu schreiben. Das eine zitiert Vergangenheit, das andere erhält eine Praxis als gegenwärtige Option.

Sobald eine Praxis funktional überflüssig wird, kann sie symbolisch interessanter werden. Genau dafür liefert auch die Konsumforschung einen passenden Hintergrund. Russell Belk hat beschrieben, wie Besitztümer Teil unseres Selbstbilds werden können [2]. Andere Arbeiten zeigen, dass einzelne Gegenstände sich mit Biografie, Rollen und Erinnerungen verbinden [3]. Meine Uhr ist dann nicht mehr bloss ein Instrument zur Zeitmessung, sondern wird zu einem vertrauten Bestandteil des eigenen Alltags.

Solche Dinge erzählen allerdings nicht nur uns selbst etwas über uns. Sie senden auch nach aussen Signale. Forschung zu subtilen Konsumsignalen zeigt, dass Produkte Zugehörigkeit, Wissen und soziale Distinktion vermitteln können, gerade wenn ihre Bedeutung nicht für alle gleich offensichtlich ist [4]. Das ist interessant, aber für meine Frage nur die halbe Geschichte.

Mich interessiert vor allem die Bewegung nach innen. Ich würde sie innere Distinktion nennen: die Fähigkeit, zwischen dem zu unterscheiden, was technisch möglich, gesellschaftlich üblich oder maximal effizient ist, und dem, was ich selbst für eine bestimmte Situation wählen möchte.

Damit ist nicht gemeint, das Umständliche zum moralisch Besseren zu erklären. Ich schreibe diesen Text selbstverständlich am Computer. Ich möchte nur selbst entscheiden können, welche Technik für welche Tätigkeit den Ton angibt. Gerade dieses „nicht müssen, aber können“ verändert den Charakter der Entscheidung.

Innere Distinktion wäre dann keine Flucht vor der Gegenwart, sondern eine Form von Selbstbestimmung innerhalb ihrer Möglichkeiten. Ich kann die bequemste, schnellste oder neueste Option wählen, aber ich bin ihr nicht automatisch verpflichtet. Fortschritt erweitert den Möglichkeitsraum. Er muss ihn nicht verengen.

Auch bei Kleidung lässt sich etwas davon beobachten. Der Hoodie ist ein schönes Beispiel dafür, wie schnell aus einer Geste der Nonkonformität eine Uniform werden kann. Was in Teilen der Tech- und Wissenswelt einmal als Bruch mit der alten Businesskleidung galt, ist vielerorts selbst zur Konvention geworden. Gleichzeitig sehe ich bei manchen Menschen wieder häufiger Hemden, Strick, Wollhosen oder Lederschuhe. Ob daraus ein breiter Trend wird, ist für meinen Punkt gar nicht entscheidend. Interessant ist, dass sich mit jeder neuen Norm auch das Potenzial zur Distinktion verschiebt. Der sogenannte „Red Sneakers Effect“ passt dazu: Bewusste Abweichung von Kleidungsnormen kann unter bestimmten Bedingungen sogar Kompetenz und Status signalisieren, wenn sie als absichtlich wahrgenommen wird [5].

Damit komme ich wieder zu meiner mechanischen Uhr zurück. Sie hat den Kampf gegen das Smartphone als Zeitmesser längst verloren. Darum zeigt sie uns heute deutlicher, wozu wir Dinge sonst noch brauchen.

Meine mechanische Uhr ist ungenauer als mein Smartphone, mein Füllfederhalter schreibt langsamer als meine Tastatur, und ein Paar Lederschuhe wird den Sneaker in Sachen Bequemlichkeit kaum schlagen [6]. Das ist kein Argument gegen moderne Technik. Im Gegenteil: Erst weil ich auf sie jederzeit zurückgreifen kann, werden die älteren Möglichkeiten zu echten Entscheidungen. Ein Teil moderner Freiheit besteht genau darin, nicht zurückzumüssen, aber zu können. Bewusst und mit Stil.

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💬 Kommentieren (nur für write.as-Accounts)

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Quellen & Anmerkungen [1] A. Arnold-Forster, Nostalgia: A History of a Dangerous Emotion. London: Picador, 2024.

[2] R. W. Belk, “Possessions and the Extended Self”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 15, Nr. 2, S. 139–168, 1988. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/209154

[3] S. S. Kleine, R. E. Kleine III und C. T. Allen, “How Is a Possession “Me” or “Not Me”? Characterizing Types and an Antecedent of Material Possession Attachment”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 22, Nr. 3, S. 327–343, 1995. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/209454

[4] J. Berger und M. Ward, “Subtle Signals of Inconspicuous Consumption”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 37, Nr. 4, S. 555–569, 2010. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/655445

[5] S. Bellezza, F. Gino und A. Keinan, “The Red Sneakers Effect: Inferring Status and Competence from Signals of Nonconformity”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 41, Nr. 1, S. 35–54, 2014. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/674870

[6] Dem möchte ich aus subjektiver Erfahrung widersprechen: Wer dies behauptet, kauft schlicht die falschen Schuhe – oder kennt seine richtige Schuhgrösse nicht.

Bildquelle Eugenio Zampighi (1859–1944): La montre, Privatbesitz, Public Domain.

Disclaimer Teile dieses Texts wurden mit Deepl Write (Korrektorat und Lektorat) überarbeitet. Für die Recherche in den erwähnten Werken/Quellen und in meinen Notizen wurde NotebookLM von Google verwendet. Für das Erstellen der Infografik wurde ChatGPT benutzt.

Topic #Selbstbetrachtungen | #Maschinenwelten

Wednesday's MLB game of choice once again has the Washington Nationals playing my Texas Rangers. This is the second game of a 3-game series between these two teams and is scheduled to start at 7:05 PM CDT. As I usually do I'll follow the game's scores and stats in real time via MLB's Gameday Service where we can also find links to the radio-call of the game provided by announcers of either team we choose.

The Rangers won the first game of this series, played last night, by a score of 5 to 0. Interestingly, this was the score in the fifth inning when I had to leave the game and put myself to bed. Hoping for another Rangers victory tonight.

And the adventure continues.

A DAW sounds fine, so…

If you think the sound is why folks like me prefer analog music-making, you’d be less than half right. While I do love the tones that come easily on my console, I can get close in a computer. It takes a different approach, takes me a little longer, but I get sounds I like listening to out of a DAW.

The reason analog is still king is because it is still a hobby. I don’t know what making music in a DAW is most the time. It is something akin to masturbating then showing off results. Sure work gets done in a DAW, but a lot of the “work” I hear is syncing menu items to BPMs and playing with effects. That’s wholly different than pounding a song out on an instrument. When it is just me and a guitar, there’s no menus. There’s no BPMs. There’s no mix. There’s my brain and there’s my hands. It is simply a more fun way to spend my time. And that is the deal with analog.

But what about the time making it? Isn’t that supposed to be enjoyable?

Folks I know who dig analog too have time they devote to music-making and enjoying that time is more important than enjoying the rewards of the music. The time to make the music is a reward in itself. Why spend that on a computer?

• sidenote-The demo lesson

I try (these days) to make nice demo packages for collaborators. I didn’t always. The reason is I want to be a good part in the day of these nice folks helping me out on a song. I want them to enjoy tracking and thinking of parts. I want good memories. I want them to want to play along. When I tossed crap over, I often got crap back. It’s different today. It’s not because of my ears. It’s because I am trying to have fun doing this stuff.

Let us count the ways. 1.

Analog is more fun to use in several ways, not just one way. First? No updates. I have devoted entire segments of my life learning software for production only for it to change key features or get bought and boom, my workflow has to change. My process should not be so dependent on software just for this alone. I don’t get better at things if they always change the rules.

2.

A screen stimulates. You may not notice. But, as someone who has cut out screens except to write a blog entry and watch the BBC occasionally, I can tell you, I am more calm than I can ever remember being. What this tells me is I’m “getting off” doing DAW work. It is feeding me stuff, it ain’t just music. The thing is, I like my mind better without the effect of screens all day on it. I want to like myself. So analog is an easy choice there.

3.

Analog has a few technical perks over computer DAW’s. My favorite now, because I am on a big project is “set it and forget it.” If me or a client wants all the songs to sound the same, cohesive, like they were all made together with a lot of the same thoughts in mind, it’s very easy. Sure, it is possible and probably done on the daily in the world on computers. But I have been using DAW’s since Cool Edit Pro 2.0 a long time ago, (2002?), and that one function has never been so easy as it is with the Tascam recorder. I just leave the knobs. Next.

4.

Software companies suck. I know that’s a general and broad statement. But, years of dealing with them have taught me, I can’t even trust this blog site I am using until we push and pull a little to test malleability. The culture of software is grimy and gross. They have no respect for folks’ time and their job is to save just that. They reboot or update software that takes years to learn, they get bought, change the feel, change the goals. They might take on new features and functions that detract from their primary purpose, or at least, purpose for you. And now, they harvest. They know everything you like. They can even track your eye movements on your phone to know what your eyes do while scrolling, looking at porn. They suck. A huge satisfaction for analog work for me is not giving them the pleasure.

5.

The main reason I am converting every studio function to analog as I can is really because my hands. It is good for them. I have Tardive Dyskinesia and I get relieved whenever I can do something I intend to do with my fingers, my hands. I like to type, one reason is this. I like faders, buttons, knobs, precise movements that have direct effect on the monitors. It makes me feel solid. I don’t get “solid” vibes with a mouse. It hovers in the general area, not precise like an actual fader or knob at my fingers. Precise is a good word because computer mixing often requires selecting from menus. That feels more like “getting lucky” when I stumble on things. That’s fine if you want that. But I prefer to dial things in the way I intend from the beginning. I am working towards that.

Like everything, it’s a process.

I got a console, Tascam Model 24. It sounds fabulous. Preamps on every channel. The sound hardly needs anything if it sounded good in tracking. Very different from an interface to computer. I rarely got good sounds through the Focusrite that didn’t take a good deal of messing with. Another reason I like analog recording is less computer work. There’s a whole shift I don’t have to do at the computer desk by going in the Tascam. It sounds fine already. So, one less thing.

I am not fully analog yet. But I am getting there. It’s not cheap, sadly. It takes saving, in my tax bracket. But, music. I am used to that.

How I’d get started today in analog.

If you ever want to try analog recording, I would start small. Or borrow. You may be hooked on the computer way of doing things and I’d feel bad encouraging you to spend money on something you can’t use. Analog will make you work how it needs to work. Some folks don’t like that. I do, less on my brain. The good thing is starting small is totally possible. Ever heard of a 4 track? Or even, an 8 track? Those can be very reasonable. Zoom makes great digital/analog style recorders. I still have my 16 track from “back in the day” and it works great. The sound is very pleasant. I like Zoom recorders because they have very few proprietary buttons, terms, actions. So if you know music, you can probably figure out their stuff pretty quick. No learning curve on new gear is like mana from the gods. Software companies do not reward you in this way, hardly ever.

It never ends, (that’s fine).

I am on the market now for outboard gear. I am looking at various options for compression. I use Opto and FET compression a lot in computer mixing. This is fun for me. One less thing for the computer to do, coming soon.

Kelly Kintner, Editor

The Horse’s Mouth Magazine

• Bryan Johnson on eliminating death in an interview for the Interesting Times podcast. The irony is that it is so obviously a terrible way to live. But Ross Douthat really is an exceptional interviewer.

• Matisse Teriade Correspondance 1930-1954.

• Shelfies #100: Jared Shurin – The sight of Jared's identical and perfectly shelved journals brings me so much inner peace and seething jealousy.

Random thought: The whole simulation theory thing that seems to be increasingly trendy these days actually isn't at all at odds with any of the traditional religious beliefs of old, the ones that imagined god as an anthropomorphized king on a throne in the clouds. Because simulation theory by definition implies the entire universe being created by someone somewhere. The anthropomorphized king in this case being a computer programmer. The throne: an ergonomic chair. Which, if you think about it, just so happens to be this decade's flavor of king.

#radar #journal

What does it mean to be not woke? To embrace the myriad of appalling attributes of the blissfully ignorant, and view them as strengths. Oppose, and view as weakness, all of the things that could bring humanity to a brighter future, like wisdom, common sense, empathy, acceptance, generosity, logic, education, science, etc..

Judge and hate people for things like the color of their skin, their gender, where they were born, or for anything else social media told you to hate and judge.

Even when presented with solid evidence; deny that more of an iceberg exists beneath the surface than what can be seen. Life is all black or white with no in between. Cancel critical thinking. Don't listen. Don't read. Ignore, hide, or change the data.

Measure success by how much power and The Dollar Almighty a person has taken. If you haven't achieved this (false) success for yourself, admire those who have, and elect them as leaders. Let them decide who should have, and who should have not (if you're not a billionaire it won't be you that they think should have). Don't care about how much pain and suffering their leadership causes.

Tomorrow I am going on a dating game show! How excited and I think it’s gonna be a fun time and my friends are gonna be there so it will be a lot of laughs one way or another. I just wanted to mention that.

I played tennis today with friends, the first time in a long time, and unfortunately, my tennis elbow came back in a very big way. It got so bad to the point where I had to sit down because it hurt too much to hold a racket, and I found in my bag a compression thing for that reason, and I almost couldn’t fit it over my forearm. I have been training my forearms a lot recently, and they are something that I get a lot of compliments towards, but at the same time is something where I look at them and I feel like I see them so small. I think it’s one of those things where it looks nice nice and vascular, and compared to the rest of my frame, it looks good or at least OK, but compared to my mental image of a random American dad, I am still a boy. And I guess all the considered I still am young. But when I tried putting that wrap on it somewhat short circuit, my brain and circumvented that dysmorphia, and I realized this circumference of them. It is a little bit sad how all the jokes about the Gym being a gateway to body dysmorphia have merit to them. But at the end of the day in the worst case, it is still OK if I am happy with myself for potentially delusional reasons, because other people view me the same.

 1941. La France métropolitaine avait perdu la guerre. Les Japonais commençaient à occuper l’Indochine. Mauvais moment assurément. Ils n’étaient pas drôles, les Japonais. En urgence, toute la famille, beaux-parents, enfants, gendre et même domestique s’embarqua sur un navire pour la France. Destination finale : Nantes, où la famille de mon grand-père possédait des biens et un logement disponible assez vaste pour abriter toute la tribu. Très vite, la cadette se trouva un prétendant, décidément on se mariait vite dans ma famille, qui l’aurait bien emportée vers Paris s’il n’y avait pas eu tant d’Allemands dans les rues. D’ailleurs, les deux gendres ayant bientôt des inquiétudes sur la nécessité de se plier aux obligations du STO, les deux couples se cachèrent quelque temps à la campagne. C’est là que fut conçue ma sœur. Éloignée la menace, le couple aîné repartit vers Nantes et un habitat plus confortable.

#nguolai

The Best Brood War Unit, Part I- Zerg

With the work on Starcraft Co, I have Brood War on my mind. It is one of the greatest games of all time, full stop and I will die on that hill if anyone wants to argue it. What is amazing is it hasn't been rebalanced since 2001, so we have been operating on the same rules for 25 years. I can't think of another major competitive game that has stayed that consistent. What is really cool about that is instead of the creators constantly trying to balance, players have been left to figure out strategies. To this day, the meta is still evolving as professional players discover new strategies and tactics. The fact it hasn't fallen into a sort of steady state and a dominant strategy hasn't been discovered is a testament to what an incredible game it is. Anyway, enough fanboying on my part.

Many commentators and pro players have done their power rankings of the best units in the game, so I figured I would take a crack at it myself. I'm going to do it like this. I will go through each of the three races in a separate post, ranking each unit on a scale from one to five. Think of it like a star system:

***** = Legendary Unit, incredible utility throughout the game with minimal downside

**** = Excellent Unit, it's not perfect, may have some drawbacks or substantial counters but finds multiple uses in the game

*** = Decent Unit, either it only has specific use cases or if it is a generalist it has major drawbacks

** = Subpar Unit, has substantial drawbacks and isn't useful in most situations

*= Hot Garbage

I am only going to rank units that can attack or cast spells. I'm also not going to include workers. Sorry Probes, SCVs, Drones, Observers, Overlords, Dropships, Shuttles. It kind of muddies the waters because you need workers, always, and if you want to drop units you build something that can ferry them and if you need detection you build a detector. Down the line maybe I'll do some work on comparing these utility units.

Once I've ranked every unit, I will compare all the five star units to determine the GOAT.

So, to start- Zerg.

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Zergling *****

The smallest and cheapest unit in the game is one of the best. Zerglings only have 35 hitpoints and only deal five damage. How can this be a five star unit? For one, it only requires half a control point. No other unit in the game has that. Zerg could theoretically field 400 zerglings. Second, it only costs 25 minerals. The next cheapest unit is workers or marines that cost 50 minerals. This means you can throw them away with reckless abandon. A single mineral patch usually contains 1500 minerals, which translates to 60 zerglings or five full control groups. Bonkers.

But really, the best part about the zergling is how it scales throughout the game. Each damage upgrade increases its damage output by 20%, since it goes from 5-6-7-8 damage. Adrenal upgrade increases attack rate by 33%, meaning DPS can be increased by over 113%. No other unit comes close. You can also upgrade movement speed. This means zerglings are dangerous throughout the game. They have a small footprint, so that means they can swarm a building or enemy unit and deal incredibly fast damage. A fully upgraded zergling has comparable DPS to a fully upgraded Battlecruiser, depsite the latter costing x28 as much. One could argue they become more dangerous, not less, as the game progresses.

Lastly, even the things that counter zerglings don't really counter them because of how cheap they are. Firebats? Sure they cost 3 times as much and aren't very good otherwise. Vultures? Get surrounded and dead. Reavers? Devestate zerglings but a full reaver is so expensive its worth burning a full dozen zerglings to kill it. Archons? great you killed some zerglings at the cost of 300 gas. Lurkers? Just go around them. And with their insane DPS, the fact they can't attack up isn't really an issue. They can just chew through your base before the air units can kill them all. So yeah, easy five star.

Hydralisk ****

Exceptional unit. 80 hitpoints, 10 explosive damage (which isn't the best against smaller units) and only 1 control point for 75 minerals and 25 gas. Nice attack rate and small footprint so they can really lay on the DPS. Solid at tackling air and ground. Can really fuck up Protoss, crushing them before storm is available, erasing archons and they are cheap enough where if you lose a bunch eating storms, so what? Spawn more. The reason they aren't a five star unit is they have a lot of counters. Siege tanks, spider mines, lurkers, high templar, reavers, zealots (if not in large numbers). Also a zergling is ¼ the cost of a hydra.

Lurker ****

Insane splash damage. If not detected, can shred a large Terran infantry army with ease. When paired with zerglings and defilers, creates one of the most powerful late game synergies in the game. Awesom defensively or offensively to trap an opponent in their base. The Zerg equivalent of a siege tank. Why not five stars? Two reasons. One, 125 gas and 125 minerals is pricey, 4 lurkers could buy you five Mutalisks. Second, they are vulnerable when moving, can't attack and are squishy. Still, a lot of people would probably give me a hard time for not giving this guy five stars.

Ultralisk ***

This may be controversial, but I think Ultralisks are decent but not great. When upgraded they have incredible durability, deal a lot of damage and can absolutely overwhelm opponents. I mark them down becaues of opportunity cost. at 200 minerals, 200 gas and 4 control, an Ultralisk could be two mutalisks. It could be a deflier and 6 zerglings with 50 gas left over. And they have a big footprint so they can be jammed up. Juicy targets for queens in zvz. Against Terran they do decently but mech + science vessels can stop them, as can a powerful marine medic ball if upgraded enough. Against Protoss they take full damage from dragoons which is no bueno. It's not a bad unit, I just think the money could be better spent elsewhere in the late game. You can't get them until you have hive and build an ultralisk cavern, and even then they aren't great until you upgrade them a bunch. it's a commitment, and at that point lurker/ling/deflier is just better.

Mutalisk *****

Best flier in the game. So overpowered that when Brood War came out the literally created 3 new units to counter it: The Valkyrie, Corsair and Devourer. They can stack, attack in unison, their attack hits up to 3 targets, and you can get them relatively early in the game. Their speed and versatility makes them a nightmare to deal with. If a Terran isn't solid in their macro and micro, early game muta harass snowballs and they just lose. I'm not sure I can overstate the versatility of this unit. It can be used to end a game, harass an enemy to weaken their economy, force countermeasures while you pivot to a different composition, pick off spell casters, delete workers... the list goes on. After Zerg plagues a group of science vessels, a single mutalisk can destroy the entire group. They are cheap- 100 gas and 100 minerals. So 1 gas geyser and 3 and change mineral patches = 50 mutalisks. And you can always pivot back to them later, so the enemy may think you are done with air and slouch on their anti air, and next thing they know 20 mutalisks are shredding their base.

So why isn't this just it, Mutalisks are the best unit? They can attack air and ground and fly and do all the aforementioned. Well, they have some serious counters. A group of Corsairs shreds them. Maelstrom + Storm can delete 11 of them. Valkyries splash damage can devastate a group. Marine + medic or goliath can old its own. Irradiate is a pain. A rival Zerg with Scourge and Devourers in the mix can be trouble. So, that's the rub. Still, Mutas fucking rock.

Queen ****

Many people would probably give queens a ***, but I think to this day they are one of the most underutilized units in Brood War. Let's look at their spells. Parasite- 75 energy, lets you see through another units eyes. It's not the best, but great for map vision and you can force an enemy (except Terran with medics) to make awkward choice of sacking a unit or feeding you intel. Ensare- 75 energy. This is the underutilized spell I was thinking of. It reduces movement speed and attack rate of an entire group of units. Devastating to clumped units, especially fliers or units with a small footprint like marines. And then Spawn Broodling (150 energy). It's a lot of energy, but it is an instant kill on anything biological and then deals some damage after the fact. A queen costs the same as a siege tank, so one spawn broodling and its paid for itself. 2 and its awesome. Plus siege tanks are a nightmare so its even worth paying more to get rid of them. Popping one Ultralisk more than pays for the queen.

So to summarize- cheap way to melt clumped fliers. Counter to siege tanks and ultralisks. Heck, you can even use them against High Templar. I think the Queen deserves more love.

Scourge- ****

They have terrible vision, low HP, and die when they attack. Why 4 stars? It's all economics. 2 scourge cost 75 gas and 25 minerals. 5 can take down a fully loaded carrier, which would cost 550 minerals and 250 gas. They delete air units, period. That's what they do and they are really good at it. A cheap way to get rid of Science Vessels, Battlecruisers, Carriers, and effective but not quite as OP against Wraiths, Mutalisks, Corsairs, etc. They struggle against grouped Corsairs and usually aren't worth it against Overlords, but otherwise they are the answer to air. They do eat up larva though and you generally have to build a lot of them, so there is an early game opportunity cost. 2 scourge could be a drone ore mutalisk. Also I just realized I keep alternating between capitalizing or not capitalizing units. Sorry this is a late night rant. Actually, not sorry.

Guardian- **

Very long range, can outrange anti air turrets. High damage output. Tanky. Why only 2 stars? Well, they are expensive. 200 gas and 150 minerals. Second, they require a greater spire, so late game tech. Third, they can't shoot other air units, which is a huge problem. Four, they are slow as hell. Five, by the time you an afford them, there are simply better options. The gas cost is more than a defiler and much more than a lurker. It just has limited uses. Maybe surprise attacks on Terran.

Devourer- **

Incredibly high durability flier. BUT, it can only attack air, you can only get it late game, and its really expensive. 250 minerals and 150 gas. In 9/10 cases I'd rather have 2 mutalisks. It has a really low rate of attack to. But there is one case where it is useful— when your opponent has a group of smaller fliers. A large group of mutalisks, wraiths, scouts (not sure why this would ever happen unless you are getting trolled) or corsairs. In this case, a devourer makes sense. Its attack has splash damage, and the splash damage adds acid spores. Acid spores increase damage it takes from other attacks. Mutalisk attacks hit three times. So each devourer attack adds 3 damage to each mutalisk attack. So its a massive force mutliplier for mutalisks against large groups of air units. But that's pretty damn specific.

Defiler- *****

Most OP unit in the game. Doesn't mean its the best. So, its a caster. But it can eat units to regain energy, so it essentially has infinite mana since zerglings are so cheap. Plague is an amazing ability, Large AOE, constant damage over time. Can make it so an army melts to a few mutas, hydras or zerglings. But Dark Swarm is the real broken spell. Large AOE, nothing can take damage except from splash or melee under it. And Zerg has zerglings (melee), ultralisks (melee) and lurkers (splash). It's an absurd spell that shouldn't exist. One defiler and one lurker can destroy a terran base and there isn't much they can do to stop it. Firebats are the only real counter, and they kind of suck. Siege tanks can deal splash damage, but that doesn't work on one lurker. So suddenly you have a spell that for 37.8 seconds, locks a space down. And they can just eat zerglings and keep casting it to move forward. I could never be a professional Terran. Dark Swarm would break me. I just lack the spiritual constitution to deal with that kind of humiliation. Protoss can fair a little better with zealots, reavers and storm, but it is still tough.

So lets get this straight. Unlimited energy, crazy AOE damage spell, spell that makes units basically invincible. How is this post not over, Defiler is the best unit in the game? Well, a few things. For one, it costs 150 gas and 50 minerals, that's a decent chunk of gas. Zerg is usually flush with minerals and starved for gas. Second, you need to make spawning pool, then a lair, then a queens nest, then a hive, then a defiler mound, then research consume, and then plague. It takes a long time to get one out, and you are vulnerable the entire time if you dedicate too many resources to it. So its a late game unit, and I can't stress how meaningful that is. If players know you are going for it, they will try to kill you before you get there. If it wasn't for that, Defliers would be completely and utterly busted. Maybe they still are.

Infested Terran- *

You have to damage an enemy command center severely without killing it, then get a queen to it to infest it, then spend as much as you'd spend on a goliath. Then you get a unit that is like ground scourge, and if it makes it to the opponent deals a stupid amount of damage. As a troll move, A tier. IRL... basically useless.

So yes, if we are trying to determine the best unit in Brood War, zerglings, mutalisks and defilers are all in contention.

Also I didn't include defensive structures but I'll just say spore colonies and sunken colonies are fine but pretty expensive. You burn a drone, which means a larva and lost mining time. And for that, its 175 minerals for one defensive structure. If you need them you need them. Otherwise, just build more zerglings.

Terran next!