I wanted to sleep in so badly but I still had that little doggie to go let out and take care of, so once again I woke up early and performed my dog sitting duties. The day was hot (but cooler than it has been) and beautiful. My brother, sil, the boys and my parents headed to a festival downtown, then spent the remaining lovely day at the pool. It was great to release some energy, but it completely wiped me out.

We grabbed dinner after the pool day and I headed straight home to shower and get in bed.

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of office with no set return date. I will get back to you when the time is right.

Woke up super early to do an early morning grocery run to get a few things we forgot. I was able to wrap up all food prep and baking needs just in time to have 10 minutes to get myself ready, pack up the car and head out. This heat wave did not exactly help me. I turned the car on early to cool it down, then packed everything at the last minute to keep the food from sitting in the heat too long. I am only driving 15 minutes but still, I want to make sure the food is safe and especially so the cupcakes wouldn't melt.

The shower was beautiful, there was plenty of food, people loved the decorations and the activities. My friend felt loved. It was perfect and I am so grateful to have been a part of it.

I got home, unloaded the car again and headed straight for my bed. As much as I loved being with friends and celebrating such a special occasion, I am still dragged back to reality the second I get home and realize I need to take care of myself. I took a four hour nap, had dinner and went back to bed.

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of office with no set return date. I will get back to you when the time is right.

Honestly I spent the morning in bed, unable to move. I knew I had to because I had so much to do but even then, it was hard. I eventually did and immediately felt better. I was just starting to think that maybe I am having another depressive episode, until I remembered my period was due any day. I hope it is that and not my emotional wellbeing taking a toll. Well, even then it is probably not a good sign when I am bedridden all day.

After I was able to make myself move a little, I went to my friend’s house to catch up and start decorating for the baby shower. It is looking beautiful and I am grateful to be reminded that I have this responsibility before I get myself back into bed again.

When we finished with decorations, I went and did all the grocery shopping with my mom. It took us four hours just to grocery shop. I still had to get home and cook and bake all night. I am glad I did it because, again, otherwise I would have just been stuck in bed all day. It was a long, long night in the kitchen and I did not finish so I must be up really early to get a head start tomorrow.

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of office with no set return date. I will get back to you when the time is right.

Crumbling flints quake's deciphered roam— Clench fury! Quench crackled! Drench, harvest, and stone. Raze slumped companions to heights dredged as slumber. Bereave bland escape. Confront doorways thrice-plundered.

Asleep past feud's blinking... Awash with earth's sinking... Awake to hate's gravel... Abate torment's rabble...

Curl bones past wooled thickets, and scrape lost eye's drone. Fence rebellion in gurgles that choke, blight, and hone.

Bring us home! Bring us home! Bring us home to the vale! Draw our steps, cold and bearded. Till where journeymen flail. Flag each ridge darned as clusters too slanted to save. Bring us home! Bring us home! Dream us out of wait's grave.

Humble each squint as mistake's churlish loam— Stitch purely! Midge spiteful! Descend, shake, and foam! Barrel traditions ignited to stutter. Beseech rankled fate. Debase unraveled blunder.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

I'm not a part of the digital age.

I just exist with reality always, no screens, just my computer to write.

BOOKS, CDs, VHS, DVDs: PHYSICAL THINGS that cannot be destoyed.

Screens are controlling everything.

I threw away my iPhone.

Growing and watching others do it too.

Yesterday, I had a long conversation with a man I always avoided.

Andrew was a ghetto rat. I was a self-righteous prick. We could tolerate one another, but like oil and water, never occupy the same space without effort.

I knew him as a small boy: sweet and quiet. A child of potential, like all children.

I moved away in 1996. When I returned twenty years later he was gone from everyone’s life. I would ask after him but his father and brother were always very tight-lipped.

I then lived here for a decade and Andrew reappeared in everyone’s life. At first it was as peripheral trouble for a young nephew who was trying to burn down his own life.

By then, Andrew was a scary-looking man. Dark and reserved. I should have reached out. I should have tried to reconnect with that little boy.

But I knew he had a hand in my nephew’s erosion and collapse. I was bitter about it. The less I had to do with him, the better.

He would come and go. Not consistently. Months would go by, sometimes years. Every time he reappeared, he had another child. At last count he had 5-6 from 4 different women.

Wrong Turns

He brought a girlfriend to our house of worship. She was a beautiful young woman, a complete mismatch to this man’s skeletal and scarred appearance.

She began to study the Bible and made progress, taking steps to turn her life around and raise her children to love and fear God.

He endorsed the effort at first, but in short order gave up. She did not.

After 18 months, he convinced her to go out to a club on a Saturday night. The place is called Haystack. I’ve never been. They don’t serve my kind there, and it looks like the sort of place where you could get tetanus walking through the door.

That night, two birthday parties got loud, then hostile.

Someone brought a gun.

Of course someone brings a f$@#ing gun. To a birthday party.

Once one weapon appeared, eight more came out.

So Haystack is apparently bad for tetanus and lead poisoning.

A fight broke out. Shots were fired.

Andrew’s girlfriend saw her cousin being threatened, picked up a gun that had fallen loose, and, according to the police report, fired toward the floor to scare off his attacker.

But between the muzzle and the floor was a man’s femoral artery.

Three minutes later he was unconscious.

After six, he was dead.

She is now serving a life sentence in a maximum-security prison.

U-Turns

So, my self-righteousness isn’t completely without justification. Andrew was not a great person. In fact, he reminded me a great deal of my own cousins and uncles who were all drugs and violence.

He is now approaching 40.

I learn this as we converse and connect over his alcoholism. He is attending AA and working to stay sober. He hasn’t had a drink in 6 months.

I commend him on this and confess my own grandfather and mother were and are alcoholics. I share what I know of AA as seen through my mother’s eyes and my own time in Al-Anon (the twelve-step fellowship for those of us affected by someone else’s drinking).

It seems to warm him up that I am perhaps not the self-righteous prude I once was.

I don’t just understand addiction in the abstract. Andrew certainly has an intimate relationship with addiction. And it occurs to me how glibly I’ve seen and heard other men talk about those with addictions. As if with God’s help it is somehow easy. Which it can never be. With God, I would say ‘less hard’, but never easy.

Never.

Parallel Lanes

Andrew tells me of his probation, being arrested, and their effect on his family. With a 17-year-old, it has finally dawned on him how poor of an example he has been. His seven-year-old watches me as I speak with his father at length.

It is a moment of time travel. Andrew is both this aging man and the little boy. And it dawns on me that I am both versions of myself as well. Regardless of how rugged or smirched we become, the tiny canvas of when we were new never leaves.

Our older selves can comfort and reassure the person we once were, while that younger, unsullied version of us can remind us of all the hope we once carried. Some hopes were fulfilled, some remain ahead of us, and others became things we never could have imagined.

And yet, here we are.

Will this turn, which can never come too late, be soon enough to save any of his children from making the same mistakes?

Only time will tell.

Horizons

He is becoming a man who can help others. He has been to the pit, looked in the face of despair, and still found a reason to get up and smile.

Yes, he made genuinely bad choices; no, those choices do not exhaust what he is. It is very human to ignore that and label someone as “bad.” Approving or disapproving of someone’s actions is not the same thing as declaring a soul lost or found.

Besides, none of us were fingered as judges by God. Last time I checked, that is Jesus’ job.

Jehovah doesn’t do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am thankful to God that humans like Andrew can quit punishing themselves and accept that they are children of God as are we all. That he has value for being who he is, even if the rest of us didn’t always accept that person.

For certain, he is helping me to learn that my judgment and superiority likely did more harm than good. And maybe in the future, when I am tempted to be dogmatic and look down, I can instead be sympathetic and understanding. To help men and women like him feel not belittled and judged, but loved and seen.

I might sell one of my cars. i won’t say which one. i just got tired of it, i suppose thats just how i deal with most things, if i don’t like something anymore, i get rid of it. easier than figuring out why i don’t like it. Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what everyone means when they talk about happiness. Oh, happiness that, that or that. people make it sound simple all the time. Oh, do the things you enjoy, spend time with people you love. Oh, pfft. find something “meaningful,” go outside. sleep properly, blah blahs. whatever else people say when they have successfully experienced happiness and would like to make it sound like a tutorial. I’ve tired some of that “tutorial”. nothing happened. i dont know what is wrong with me. i remember being happy before, i know how it feels like to wake up without being chained in your bed because you’ll choke yourself in your sleep, i know how it feels when your own mind isnt something you have to be careful around. thats what i hate. that i know how it feels like to be that, yet. i dont have that anymore. i don’t know when i lost it, i just know i did. i can’t even convince myself that this is just how i am now. whatever is wrong with me seems to have become very good at taking up all the space. And unfortunately, i don’t want to start drinking or smoking again just to feel something different. that would be more exhausting. anyways, let me tell you how to be happy since, clearly, im an expert. Yes, me i wont organize it. just deal with it and go by my steps. step one: wake up happy. step two: continue being happy. step three: if you stop being happy, remember that happiness is a choice. step four: go outside and look at a tree, trees seem to make people very emotional these days for unknown reasons. step five: tell everyone how grateful you are for the little things. step six: take a picture of your pissed coffee and write something about being blessed, whatever, something like “ Had my overpriced little bean water this morning. couldnt survive without it ” there. happiness, that’ll work. step seven: become the kind of person who says, “life is beautiful,” before 9 am. Nobody who says that should be trusted. but they are doing better than us. and step eight: if none of that works, you’re probably just not trying hard enough.

Step nine and finally. this is a special one. that you specifically need to know: keep reading. HAHAHAHsk, you actually made it this far. look at you, eight whole fucking steps of me explaining how to be happy, Me. and you kept reading like there’s going to be a secret at the end. how pathetic. you could’ve stopped at step one but you didn’t. you humans always make me laugh, i mean seriously. its incredible how dumb you can be while pretending to be smart. you always make me laugh.

Honestly, I’d do very well writing a book about happiness. title it “How To Be Happy” there, im practically qualified already. happy people would love it. they’d pay for it. which is convenient, because i guess happiness has a subscription fee. but whatever, just gave you steps for free, didn’t i?

Sincerely, Happily Miserable.

Our Father Who art in Heaven Hallowed be Thy name Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven Give us this day our daily Bread And forgive us our trespasses As we forgive those who trespass against us And lead us not into temptation But deliver us from evil

Amen

Jesus is Lord! Come Lord Jesus!

Come Lord Jesus! Christ is Lord!

DEATH BY METAL (2018) – when documentaries DO NOT give you the full picture...

If you still read, check out BORN HUMAN (2025) by David Gehlke about the life and times of Chuck Schuldiner: https://store.decibelmagazine.com/products/born-human-the-life-and-music-of-deaths-chuck-schuldiner?srsltid=AfmBOoqOY7JL-ecT8g5l4wi0AIAE-J0So_V7aGMismNOnNOz_aJlZWXw

If a company keeps a person working as a temp for more than three months it should be mandatory for the company to hire them full time. Anything beyond that is exploitative of the agency who is paying them, and also the company where they are doing the work. Three months is enough time to determine if a person is capable of doing the work required. If they have been working steadily for that length of time then obviously there was a position that needed to be filled.

Three months is also reminiscent of earlier times in the blue collar world when a company would take on a new hire, but they would be in a three month probationary period. If they seemed a fit for the job after doing it for three months; the perks of being a full time employee would kick in. Like a pay raise, vacation time, medical and dental benefits, and the opportunity to participate in a group retirement plan. If they were not so great they would be let go. The way it is now companies can keep people on as temps for years. They never get those perks.

I worked as a temp six times in the last fifteen years. Four of those jobs hired me full time. I've been at the last one that hired me full time for nine years now. The two that did not hire me full time likely would have if I had stayed. I just saw what they were like after working there as a temp, and didn't like what I saw. So I left. The ones where I was hired, and then later on quit, seemed okay at the time of my hiring, but they turned to shit later on. All at about two years.

The job where I am now was a much better place to work when I started as a temp. I've watched it steadily decline to what it is now.

Someone wise once said that if the bad days at work start to outnumber the good days then you know it is time to move on and find something else. Honestly, I'm not there yet. I bitch about it a lot, but sometimes it is tolerable.

Hmmm... I guess I've veered off the path. I do that a lot. I started this post about how temps are being exploited, and now that I've typed things about it I find myself wishing I was a temp so I could just walk away from my job without really losing anything. As it is though I get 4 weeks paid vacation, and benefits, plus I've been putting money into the group retirement plan. If I were to leave, those things would go away. So really I'm just forcing myself to stay in a toxic unfulfilling job for benefits, vacation time, and money... lol Happy Labour Day!

“Human brains can calculate large sums very quickly (even Hugh can do that), but I want Christopher to be smarter. To make a calculation and then to determine what to do next, like a person does. Think of it: ELECTRICAL BRAIN – A DIGITAL COMPUTER.” -The Imitation Game (2014)

I have a lot to do. It's 3:49am and a good time to think about it.

-POWDER/1995

“If we ever got to the point to where we could use all our brain...uh...we'd be pure energy...uh...and we wouldn't even need bodies...” Jeff Goldblum/Sean Patrick Flannery

James Cameron predicted it in the 80s: MAN AND THE MACHINE.

Today was another test at a person's attention span at the gym: I took away a handle on the guy's station and added it to mine to do a few sets of reverse flyes (rear delts). The Hispanic guy was so distracted that he DID NOT NOTICE that the handle was missing until about 5 minutes later when he tried to do his set. He realized the handle was not there and I had already done my first of two total sets for that reverse flyes exercise.

MY POINT: NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION but me and a small (tiny) handful of people.

iPhone update:

I destroyed my iPhone last Friday. I smashed it repeatedly with a heavy duty lock in my car so much that the Lithium battery almost caught fire. It blew out and I threw the phone in the garbage bin.

I AM NOT contributing to this technological/digital age! We are in an age of ILLITERATE PEOPLE. People are married to their screens and it's everywhere.

I AM SCARED.

• 🤘️ The big event for me these past weeks was the Iron Maiden concert which I wrote about here. I also used the opportunity to go explore downtown Toronto on foot, which was something I've never done. And it's a busy city, on the weekend we were there, the Toronto BlueJays were playing at the Skydome and it was also FanExpo weekend. It was fun to see this mix of people with Iron Maiden t-shirts, Bluejays fans and all sorts of cosplays characters walking around town.
• 👣 The Toronto weekend also included: a visit to the CN Tower, Queen's Park, UoT campus, Victoria College, Philosopher's Walk, Legislative Assembly of Ontario, Toronto Railroad Museum and Royal Ontario Museum (just the main entrance, it was such a beautiful day and we didn't want to spend the day inside). Lots of walking!
• 📽️ I went to the movies to see “Spider-Man: Brand New Day”. The movie was great, although I wasn't expecting it to be so sad. I learned that definitely I don't like these “ScreenX” rooms, some notes here.
• ✒️ I completed Blaugust! Final thoughts here.
• 📼 I saw that the “Iron Maiden: The Early Years Documentary” is available on the band's official You Tube channel on. I watched this on VHS many, many years ago. But also, there is a new documentary released earlier this year called “IRON MAIDEN: BURNING AMBITION”. I haven't seen it yet, but I added it to my “to-watch” list.
• 🎲 My partner and I wanted to get a board game that was made for 2 players only, and people recommended “7 Wonders Duel”. We got it, plus the expansion “Pantheon” and while we were at the store, we also got some Munchkin expansion packs (Munchkin 2 Unnatural Axe + Enhancers).
• 🎽 I didn't run this week because my right knee was not feeling great. I did go twice to the gym instead and did some stationary biking combined with some weight training. Leg strengthening actually helps a lot. I plan on going for a run later today and see how it goes.

🎧 Listening

• Candlemass – Epicus Doomicus Metallicus (1986)
• Iron Maiden – Fear of the Dark (1992)
• Iron Maiden – Powerslave (1984)
• Iron Maiden – Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (1988)
• Castle Rat – Into the Real (2024)
• Castle Rat – The Bestiary (2025)

📖 Books I'm Reading

• The Unraveling by Benjamin Rosenbaum
• Hench by Natalie Zina Walschots
• Radical Candor by Kim Scott

📌 Cool online reads

• You Really Should Read The Expanse – I second his recommendation! Amazing series!
• Leviathan Falls by Joel – great review of the last book of The Expanse series. It has spoilers if you haven't read the series, so go with caution.
• 5 Albums by Andreas – Great list! Coincidentally, I just discovered Candlemass. It's crazy that I'd never heard their first album before. I guess doom metal hasn't really been on my radar. Good stuff!
• SciFi Books: The Golden Oldies by Alexandra – Classics never die!
• A Modest Proposal for Funding Transit Instead of AI by Annalee Newitz

—

#weeknotes #heavymetal

Once in my youth, at a shabby cafe, there was this young punk rocker girl with piercings and stuff like that. I was sitting at her table even though I didn’t know her, due perhaps to some common friend or whatever. Anyway, she said she told social services that she was homeless, to which the social worker responded: but we don’t have any homeless people in our municipality.