昔、自分はアニメが好きだと思っていた。 大学1年から4年にかけて、確かにアニメをよく見ていたからだ。 ただ、社会人になって、アニメを見る事はいきなりなくなった。忙しくもないのにだ。

今は、本当にアニメに興味がない。 むしろ、映像そのものに興味がないとも言える。 なぜ興味がないのかと問われれば、理由は単純で、ただ自分の生活を追うこと、それ自体が自分にとっての、そして、そのまんまの意味での現実であり、それで完結しているからだろう。

しかし、当時見ていたアニメのキャラクターに対して、その時の自分にとっては大事な存在であった。 SNSで、『らき☆すた』や『涼宮ハルヒ』の画像が流れてくると未だにそこで少し手を止めてしまう。 なんとなく、その感覚をどこか美しいもののように捉えていたが、それを言語化したときに気づいたのは、ただ自分が枯れていただけだった、という少し悲しい事実でもある。 言語化した時に悲しい気持ちになるのは慣れている。 俺はいつもなぜそれを美しいと思ったのか、という部分をいつも抽出できない。

本質からは少し外れる。 自分の悪い癖として、思考を数珠つなぎにして本題から逸らしてしまって申し訳ない。 特に、体力が万全でないと感じたときにその傾向が強くなる。 そういうとき、自分で自分をつまらない人間だと思う一方で、このままの自分で終わるはずがないという妙な確信もあり、いずれ自然に修復されるだろうと考えて、能動的な行動を先送りにしてしまう。

映像が好きになれない理由の一つとして、容量の重たさがある。 テキストに比べて、映像は容量が大きく、情報量も多く、扱うにも負荷がかかる。 テキストは自由に編集・生成できてストレスがないが、映像は現代のコンピューターでもまだ重い。 自分は重たいものを持つのが嫌いだ。 重さは、自分の限界を露わにし、できることの範囲を強制的に意識させる。つまり、窮屈さを増幅させる。 映像も、帰りにスーパーで買う食材も、水2L×9本の段ボールも、すべて窮屈だ。 最終的に俺は空を飛びたいというのに。

映像は重い。 音楽は普通。 テキストは軽い。 そう、テキストは軽い。

だから自分は、こうして文章を書いていられるのだと思う。

How was your day beautiful?

I want to know everything so please don’t spare any details. Did you see the sun today..?

I love your nail colours, what inspired you..?

I want to let you know, I love when your hair curls and you’re half asleep to put the kettle on in the morning. I love how you hold yourself to standards built on self love and strength.

Did you know? I think the stars shine for you… I look for signs of you everywhere because you’re always where I want to be.

I love that you wear your activewear when you can’t decide on what outfit for the day.

The way you take care of others and cheer them on is beautiful, please don’t ever change that about you.

Thank you for asking how my day was, and really listening. Same time tomorrow gorgeous?

Today, my writing may be less poetic than previously.

I genuinely find myself in a predicament (this isn’t new for me) anyway i wanted to write about it. Maybe you too, often find yourself in predicaments.

Ever heard of a sh*t sandwich? It’s where you layout the good, then the bad, then some more good. It’s how I like to view most things, or word them sometimes as it focuses less on the negative and allows for a natural and abundant way of bringing to light the crap but also acknowledging the good that exists, so lets start there.

The good? Well, I survived. I always had a roof over my head growing up, i had beautiful aunties that were always around, and 2 grandmothers that i adored as much as they adored me. I was lucky to have 4 siblings, all older than me and all who did provide a sense of safety at one time or another. I had food on my plate for every meal, i could go outside and ride my bike or look for fairies, and birthdays were joyful and i never went without beautiful and thoughtful gifts. I was able to go to school, and i had many beautiful and interesting friendships.

To continue, life wasn’t always amazing. My mother was a child herself when she had me and my brother. At age 21 and 24 is when she had us. While she carries trauma of her own, and in her imperfections she was a good mum. But she was explosive, immature, and grew to be a whirlwind of a woman. I had to run from her at 16 and 17 (it would’ve been earlier i guess but the age matters). She was narcissistic, dismissive of feelings that weren’t her own, and as the years went on it only got worse. I felt alone, mostly all of the time. I turned to self harm and running and self isolation due to the way i was treated. My Dad, present but absent, generous and yet entirely unkind. He wasn’t really around from age 6-8 onwards as we had moved across the state, and even before that. He was and is an alcoholic, you could nearly say by trade god that man can drink, I actually think he keeps the alcohol industry going.

I thought to go into more detail… and the details are ugly. They’re confronting, even for me to sit here and type it as though i didn’t live it, the sh*t part is really just that I didn’t have parents that nurtured me and taught me to have a healthy sense of identity or emotional regulation or real intimate connections and so on and so forth.

The good part? I survived, and as i sit here and tell you about the predicament I am in, well I long for connection, a partner, friends, community just like us all. And while i long, I don’t just sit and hope and long, I try. I put myself out there, i try dating and making friends and being a villager so as to have a village. I just have so many cracks and bends and wobbles in everything that I do that i just… nothing sticks. Friendships don’t always last and if they do we stop talking and we just don’t talk again so did they really last? Partners and potential partners come and go and I go to sleep knowing that I am the problem and also that I am the solution.

With every lesson and mistake I always take my time to understand why things happen and my trauma patterns, how i show up and what makes me who I am and how i can be better and heal and do good.

I recently reconnected with an ex partner. God when i tell you this relationship was tumultuous much like my others. Such connection and yet disconnection. So much love and yet so much absence of the stuff. Kindness and consideration with so much hatred and indifference. I used to say, to him and to others, that he is the kindest man I’ve ever met. He’s strong, but he’s gentle. He’s loving and yet he’s in his own world. He helps others and shows his empathy and yet there are so many times I needed him and he didn’t show up. And the lesson above all that i took was that I needed me more, I needed to show up, I needed to take care of myself. Not because I deserve to be alone or carry heavy things without support but because that is what I am meant for. To be the parent I didn’t have, to learn to love myself in all the ways I was taught not to.

And so in our reconnection I find myself questioning him, as I always have. And gaslighting myself wondering whether I am following a trauma pattern, or if I’m genuinely connected and interested in this man. OR the complete opposite. Naturally, I have trust issues and high standards. Not because I’m full of myself or conceited, I just want to give myself and allow myself to have good, true, authentic beautiful things in life including the person who I will spend just as much time with if not more than I do with myself.

He’s indecisive about me I can feel it, like he’s always been. Cautious of me, because I tend to express myself authentically and openly, although he’s taught me that it’s not always safe. I’d like to talk to him about how I’m feeling, but i almost feel like it’s not up for discussion, is it worth it? Bringing up that he makes me feel insecure, unvalued, judged at times. I always wonder why does he hang around me if it puts him in that state and I ask myself all the time why do i hang around him if he puts me in this state? Of questioning and wondering why and feeling the things i feel. And then I jump on Pinterest and it’s all, “Don’t settle for a man who’s not obsessed with you”, or “ wait for the one who holds the door and buys you flowers”. I do feel like I’m constantly auditioning for a place, and its such a paradox because in my healing I have found i am always worthy, and enough, and a valuable human to have around even when no one tells me or makes me feel that way.

So is it my pattern or are we not meant to be? Am i avoiding facing something or is he not the one? Am i selfish for wanting flowers and for my love language to grant him the title of being bilingual? Does he deserve better or do I? Do we both? Is real connection based on the majority of the good feelings and working through the not so good ones? Do I walk away or do i try one last time? I wish i knew.

10:27 GMT Hey again, I'm feeling super lazy at this moment. My holidays have passed by super quickly and I have gotten absolutely nothing done! I have exams in a few weeks for Christ's sake, this is terrible. I'm watching Wonka now, doing anything but opening save my exams. Wish me luck. Oh my Hongjoong album came today as well. I look forward to seeing what photocards I get. Vinted is a great place, I highly recommend buying albums from there in the future, but make sure it's unopened with the photocards still inside.

-TSWR

Hay palabras polvorientas, como escribir secarral. Y otras que refrescan, como decir lechuga.

Al inicio, sentí preocupación de que quisiera ser mi amigo, pues no me imaginaba cuál podría ser mi reacción una vez tuviera tratos con él con más frecuencia.

Hasta hace unas semanas fuimos apenas conocidos. Nos presentó Luis, el del banco. Aurelio es un joven profesor de criminología. Sentí curiosidad por saber qué motivación podría tener una persona decente para estudiar a fondo el mundo del crimen, pero evité hacer la pregunta por si lo incomodaba.

Pero la razón de mi prudencia tenía otro matiz. Aurelio tenía cara de pez. No como si fuera un pez. Sino exactamente un pez: boca de pez, ojos de pez, como los que vemos con los ojos saltones en el mercado.

A los pocos días me reconoció en la cafetería del club y fue tan insistente que después de un café pedimos el menú del día. Sopa de lentejas, rodaballo al horno con guarnición y fruta del tiempo. Qué casualidad.

Hemos entablado cierta amistad. No sé si puede existir un lazo así que surja exclusivamente de la curiosidad. Porque cada vez que lo veo me pregunto cómo puede vivir tan tranquilo lejos del agua. Entonces me entra la risa y se la contagio, porque él la interpreta como complicidad.

Yo no sé si te sientes seguro cuando caminas por el puente, si algo cambia en tus pasos, miras la calzada, la balaustrada, las nubes o el vacío.

Seguramente conoces que en esta ciudad un puente como este se vino abajo. El mal de la piedra, dijeron.

Toma en cuenta que los puentes de esta parte de la ciudad se hicieron para cruzar a pie o en caballo, como mucho en una pequeña carreta. Y cada vez veo más jóvenes con motos y bicicletas. Todo eso hace vibrar la estructura. No creo que deba estar permitido.

Pero no hay que pensar en cosas malas, que no ganamos para sustos. Hay que cruzar el puente de todos modos, varias veces al día o a la semana, así que es mejor pensar en cosas bellas, como los cambios de estación o los trinos de los pájaros.

Algunos dicen que de noche, debajo del puente, vuelan los murciélagos, y que de madrugada lo cruzan espectros sin cabeza. Qué locura. Lo primero puede ser verdad. Es posible. Pero lo segundo, no creo.

Hasta donde entiendo, soy el único espectro que lo cruza y, por ahora, tengo cabeza. ¿O no?

And still the search for a winner goes on. Not entirely surprising though as the average odds I’ve taken are 10/1 and I’ve only had 16 selections. That said, massive room for improvement, maybe starting today …

3.23 Leicester SPRING BLOOM at around 7/1 appeals in this one making his first start for John Butler who is in good nick with a great record of 30/9/14p in the last 30 days. Back today off a shortish break after running on the AW (5/0/1p on there) and into a class 5 where he has a very decent record on the turf and has indeed won his last races off 6lbs higher. The usual ground and trip boxes are ticked are Darragh Keenan has plenty of experience on his back. Can hopefully get involved. No bet in the second division of this race.

SPRING BLOOM // 0.5pt E/W @ 17/2 BOG (Bet365)

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4.22 Leicester I backed MISSION COMMAND on his reappearance LTO and he gets the nod today again. I thought he ran well that day considering his starting position and finished really strongly to land third. Off the same mark today and I don’t think the drop in trip (has twice won at 5f so has got some speed) will be too much of a negative if he gets a better position today. Jennie Candlish is still in good form and has a fabulous record when turning them out within 7 days again (53/17/29p). Hopefully another winner for Darragh Keenan!

MISSION COMMAND // 1pt WIN @ 11/4 BOG (Bet365)

Someone recently told me my energy was addictive. They meant it as an honest description of their experience with me, not as a compliment or an insult. I didn’t know how to feel about it at first. As it sank in, I felt weird. Many people I meet and become friends with end up admiring me so much that they start acting more like fans than friends. Admiration can be exciting, but fans tend to grow possessive of their idol. And when fans don’t get what they expect from the idol, they feel betrayed.

Freundinnen & Freunde der Weisheit! Wer die Welt verstehen will, muss bei sich selbst anfangen. Um dies zu erreichen, braucht es nur drei Schritte. Aber diese drei Schritte haben es in sich.

Der Aufruf „Erkenne dich selbst“, in Stein gemeisselt im Tempel von Delphi, war eines der zentralen Prinzipien der antiken Philosophie. Für Denker wie Seneca war klar: Wer die Welt verstehen will, muss bei sich selbst anfangen. Nicht im Sinne selbstverliebter Innenschau, sondern als radikale Übung in Ehrlichkeit und Selbstprüfung. Diese Grundhaltung ist zeitlos – und aktueller denn je.

Denn moderne psychologische Forschung zeigt: Unser Bild von uns selbst ist oft ungenau. Studien belegen, dass Menschen ihre Fähigkeiten und ihr Verhalten systematisch überschätzen. Auch unsere Fähigkeit, zukünftige Reaktionen oder Emotionen vorherzusagen, ist überraschend schwach ausgeprägt. Der Grund: Wir neigen dazu, unbequeme Einsichten zu vermeiden, um unser Selbstbild zu schützen – ein Phänomen, das Forscher als „psychologisches Immunsystem“ beschreiben. Doch genau diese Komfortzone steht echter Entwicklung im Weg.

Wer sich selbst besser kennenlernen möchte, braucht drei zentrale Schritte:

Erstens: Aufhören, sich selbst zu schonen. Wie körperliches Training verlangt auch mentale Stärke die Bereitschaft, sich regelmässig mit Unangenehmem auseinanderzusetzen. Das bedeutet: ehrliches Feedback suchen, kritische Rückmeldung zulassen – auch wenn es zunächst schmerzt.

Zweitens: Sich selbst als veränderbar begreifen. Wer glaubt, dass Eigenschaften und Fähigkeiten fix sind, wird sich schwertun, kritische Informationen zu akzeptieren. Menschen mit einer lernorientierten Haltung hingegen nutzen Rückmeldungen aktiv, um zu wachsen.

Drittens: Verhalten bewusst verändern. Selbstkenntnis bringt nur dann etwas, wenn sie auch in konkretes Handeln übersetzt wird. Wer sich so verhält, wie er oder sie sein möchte – z. B. aufmerksamer, klarer, mutiger –, verändert über die Zeit nicht nur das Verhalten, sondern auch das Selbstbild.

Selbsterkenntnis ist kein einmaliger Zustand, sondern ein fortlaufender Prozess. Sie erfordert Mut zur Ehrlichkeit, Offenheit für Veränderung und die Bereitschaft, sich von Illusionen zu lösen. Wer diesen Weg geht, gewinnt Klarheit, Integrität – und letztlich die Freiheit, das eigene Leben bewusst zu gestalten.

Denkanstoss zum Wochenbeginn

„Mit unserem Urteil ist es wie mit unseren Uhren. Nicht zwei gehen genau gleich, und doch glaubt jeder der seinigen.“ – Alexander Pope (1688–1744)

ProductivityPorn-Tipp der Woche: Meetings kürzer halten

Die meisten Meetings dauern länger als nötig. Reduziere Meetings auf das Wesentliche und setze Zeitlimits, um effizienter zu arbeiten.

Aus dem Archiv: Ockhams Besen – Wenn unbequeme Fakten unter den Teppich gekehrt werden

Benannt nach dem englischen Philosophen Wilhelm von Ockham (engl. William of Occam), der mit seinem berühmten „Rasiermesser“ die Grundlage für eine elegante Wissenschaftsregel legte, ist „Ockhams Besen“ eine humorvolle und nachdenklich machende Ergänzung: anstatt die einfachste Erklärung zu wählen, werden hier störende Details beiseitegefegt. Dieser Ansatz erlaubt, sich auf das Wesentliche zu konzentrieren und die ungelösten Fragen – zumindest vorläufig – aus dem Blick zu räumen.

weiterlesen …

Vielen Dank, dass Du Dir die Zeit genommen hast, diesen Newsletter zu lesen. Ich hoffe, die Inhalte konnten Dich inspirieren und Dir wertvolle Impulse für Dein (digitales) Leben geben. Bleib neugierig und hinterfrage, was Dir begegnet!

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EpicMind – Weisheiten für das digitale Leben „EpicMind“ (kurz für „Epicurean Mindset“) ist mein Blog und Newsletter, der sich den Themen Lernen, Produktivität, Selbstmanagement und Technologie widmet – alles gewürzt mit einer Prise Philosophie.

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Disclaimer Teile dieses Texts wurden mit Deepl Write (Korrektorat und Lektorat) überarbeitet. Für die Recherche in den erwähnten Werken/Quellen und in meinen Notizen wurde NotebookLM von Google verwendet. Das Artikel-Bild wurde mit ChatGPT erstellt und anschliessend nachbearbeitet.

Topic #Newsletter

I asked myself would I be willing to give to stop feeling this way. And I feel like it’s a very cheap thing to say anything. But I think pretty early on that list of anything that I could give would be my life. Speaking candidly, I could just kill myself if I wanted to stop feeling like this. And I weirdly end my train of thought there, and I just sit with that thought. I think about that one quote someone said, something along the lines of how we both love each other but at the same time we both drive faster in the rain. And I think that I’ve remembered it horribly, but to me it is saying how you can love someone else and that is separate from the fact that there’s this passive yearning for death.

It rained today. I kept gunning it in my car because I loved the feeling of losing control when the acceleration stopped from traction slipping. I shot around corners going over double the sign. I thought about why I liked the call of the void there and I think it was heavily because it’s just taking death one step out detached from my hands. If I died from something not my fault I wouldn’t be too upset. I don’t like feeling this way.