There is a moment in every believer’s journey when the words of Hebrews 3 stop sounding like distant theological commentary and begin feeling like a mirror that pulls you in and holds you there, revealing not just what you claim to believe but the condition of the heart that does the believing. When you walk slowly through this chapter, letting each line breathe inside you instead of glancing across it the way people skim past familiar verses, something in the text begins to stir the deeper places that polite faith rarely touches. You start feeling the weight of the writer’s urgency, the quiet but unshakable insistence that the real battle of the spiritual life is not fought in the grand performances of our outward obedience but in the silent negotiations of the heart, where faith is either strengthened or sabotaged in ways invisible to everyone except God. Hebrews 3 does not simply describe unbelief as a lapse in thinking or a momentary spiritual dip; it describes it as a condition that grows roots, one that builds slowly when left unattended and can harden into a spiritual callus that begins to shape everything about the way a person hears God, responds to God, and walks with God. That is why this chapter carries the tone of a warning spoken by someone who dearly loves the listener, someone who sees danger coming long before the listener does. It is not the tone of accusation, but the tone of someone saying, “Please do not take this lightly. The cost of drifting is far greater than you think.” And when you read it with a surrendered spirit instead of a casual one, you begin to understand that Hebrews 3 is not a message you study; it is a message that studies you.

What strikes me every time I read this chapter is the way it moves between past and present, as if it is standing in two worlds at once, calling us to see ourselves in Israel’s story while also exposing how that same story continues playing out in the modern believer’s inner life. The writer takes us back into the wilderness generation, not to shame them or to hold them up as failures, but to hold up a sobering truth about how the heart can drift even while God is visibly active in a person’s life. That is a difficult truth for many Christians to accept, because we tend to believe that if God makes Himself clear enough, if the miracles are impressive enough, if the signs are undeniable enough, then faith should come naturally and obedience should follow effortlessly. Yet Hebrews reminds us that the generation who saw the Red Sea part, who witnessed manna fall from heaven, who were guided by fire and cloud, still managed to grumble, still managed to wander, and still managed to harden their hearts against the One who rescued them. This reveals a principle that is uncomfortable but essential for spiritual maturity: evidence can surround a person, miracles can accompany a person, provision can sustain a person, and yet unbelief can still grow quietly inside that person. The issue is not the lack of divine activity. The issue is the condition of the heart that interprets the activity. Hebrews 3 is confronting enough to force us to ask honest questions about the ways we treat God’s goodness as familiar, His miracles as routine, and His voice as optional.

The moment the chapter opens with the call to consider Jesus, you can feel the writer pulling the reader away from the noise of their world, away from the competing voices, away from the burdens they carry, and right into the presence of the One who embodies the faithfulness of God. The word consider in this passage is not meant as a casual glance but as a deep, lingering reflection, almost like the way a sculptor studies the marble before carving the first line or the way a poet sits with a single sentence for hours until the meaning blooms. Hebrews tells us to consider Him, to truly fix our focus on Jesus so that His faithfulness reshapes our understanding of what it means to be part of God’s household. When the writer compares Jesus with Moses, it is not to diminish Moses but to elevate Christ to His rightful position as the builder of the house rather than just a servant inside it. This is a reminder that your faith is not built on inspiration borrowed from the past but on the living foundation of the One who holds all things together. It also reminds us that faithfulness is not measured by intensity of emotion, length of commitment, or the magnitude of personal sacrifice; it is measured by whether we keep our confidence in Christ firm until the end. This passage quietly dismantles the idea that faith is a single moment of conviction. Instead, it paints faith as a continual posture, a daily orientation of the heart that chooses to trust God even when the circumstances do not cooperate, even when the feelings fluctuate, and even when the path ahead refuses to reveal itself in advance.

As the passage shifts into its warning, you can feel the emotional temperature rise, not in anger but in tenderness. “Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts.” The key word in that sentence, the one that many believers overlook, is not harden but today. The writer is telling us that faith is always experienced in the present tense. Yesterday’s devotion does not substitute for today’s obedience, and tomorrow’s intentions do not heal today’s rebellion. The spiritual life does not unfold in memory or imagination; it unfolds in the now. This is why God speaks in the present, not to haunt us with the past and not to burden us with the future, but to draw us into the sacred opportunity of the moment. Hardened hearts are rarely the result of single decisions. They are usually the cumulative effect of many todays in which God’s voice was heard but not honored, recognized but not followed, acknowledged but not surrendered to. A hardened heart does not begin hard; it becomes hard through patterns of avoidance, procrastination, rationalization, and quiet refusal. That is why the writer of Hebrews is pleading with his readers to pay attention to the way their hearts respond to God in the present tense. He knows that spiritual decay does not feel dramatic when it begins. It feels subtle, like nothing more than a shrug. And that shrug, repeated over months or years, becomes a stance.

What we often underestimate is the spiritual psychology behind drifting. Drifting is almost never loud. It is never dramatic at the beginning. It does not announce itself. It does not crash into your life like a storm. Instead, it creeps in quietly through weariness, discouragement, delayed prayers, unmet expectations, prolonged stress, subtle disappointments, and the gradual shift of your focus from God’s promises to your surroundings. Drifting begins when the urgency of faith is replaced by the comfort of familiarity. It begins when the journey with God becomes routine enough that miracles start feeling like memories instead of present realities. And Hebrews 3 exposes this with the gentlest but most unrelenting clarity. It asks us to face the truth that a believer can drift while still attending church, drift while still praying, drift while still serving, and drift while still calling themselves faithful simply because the outward structure of faith remained intact even as the inner fire quietly dimmed. Hebrews is calling out the internal drift long before it becomes external collapse, because God sees the heart long before the cracks form on the surface.

The more you sit with this chapter, the more you sense that the warning is not fear-based at all. It is love-based. God warns because God wants to protect. God exposes because God wants to heal. God confronts because God wants to restore. The wilderness generation is not held up in Scripture as a cautionary tale to embarrass them, but as a loving warning for us so that we do not repeat their story. When the text says that their hearts always go astray and they did not know God’s ways, it is not describing intellectual ignorance but relational resistance. They saw His works, but they failed to let His works reshape them. They received His provision, but they refused to let His provision soften them. They walked with Him physically but did not walk with Him spiritually. And Hebrews 3 is gently telling us that it is entirely possible to be in proximity to the things of God without being in intimacy with the heart of God. That distinction matters more than we realize. Proximity produces familiarity. Intimacy produces transformation. Israel had the first. God wanted the second. And Hebrews is asking whether we truly want it too.

One of the deepest threads running through this chapter is the concept of rest—not rest as in sleep, not rest as in vacation, but rest as in the spiritual state where a believer stops striving against God and finally trusts Him enough to surrender. The wilderness generation never entered God’s rest because they never surrendered their distrust, their entitlement, their fear, their complaint-driven worldview, or their desire to control the journey. Rest is not the absence of responsibility; it is the absence of resistance. It is the moment when your soul finally stops wrestling with God over how your life should unfold. And Hebrews 3 begins laying the foundation for the next chapter, revealing that rest is not a geographical destination or a historical event but a spiritual posture available to believers right now. Yet this posture is only possible for the heart that remains open. Rest cannot exist inside a hardened heart. Hardened hearts strive. Hardened hearts worry. Hardened hearts resent. Hardened hearts replay old wounds. Hardened hearts measure God’s character by their circumstances. Rest requires softness, trust, tenderness, and willingness. The chapter is not just warning us about drifting; it is inviting us to a better way of living—one that is lighter, freer, quieter, and more anchored than most Christians ever experience.

The emotional beauty of this chapter reveals itself more deeply when you notice how God describes the heart He desires. He does not ask for flawless hearts or scholarly hearts or heroic hearts. He asks for soft hearts. Softness is vulnerability, but not weakness. It is humility, but not timidity. It is surrender, but not passivity. A soft heart is one that remains teachable even after disappointment, remains grateful even after loss, remains faithful even after silence, and remains open even after being wounded. Softness is strength shaped by trust. And Hebrews 3 calls us to guard that softness because the pressures of life will naturally push us toward hardness unless we actively resist the drift. The chapter does not merely urge vigilance; it urges encouragement. It calls believers to exhort one another daily so that no one becomes hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. In other words, the state of your heart is not just your personal responsibility; it is a shared responsibility within the body of Christ. Faith flourishes in community. Believers help keep each other’s hearts soft by speaking truth, showing compassion, carrying burdens, offering grace, and reminding one another of God’s goodness. When the writer says daily, he is emphasizing frequency because he understands how quickly drift can begin. Encouragement is not a nicety in the Christian life; it is a spiritual safeguard.

One of the more haunting lines in this chapter is the question: “Who were they who heard and rebelled?” The writer answers by pointing out that it was the very people Moses led out of Egypt. These were not faithless strangers unfamiliar with God. These were the recipients of miracles. They walked through waters that split in front of them. They saw God defeat an empire on their behalf. They lived under supernatural protection and provision. And yet they did not trust Him. The warning here is clear: great experiences with God in the past are not a guarantee of faithfulness in the present. Memory can inspire faith, but memory cannot replace faith. The Christian life requires fresh trust, renewed surrender, and consistent openness. A believer who relies solely on past experiences will eventually drift because yesterday’s faith cannot sustain tomorrow’s challenges. Hebrews is calling us to an ongoing relationship, not a historical one.

As you continue reading at a slower pace, you begin to see that the wilderness generation’s primary issue was not lack of evidence but lack of willingness. They wanted deliverance without dependence, miracles without maturity, freedom without formation, and blessings without obedience. They wanted God’s power, but not God’s leadership. They wanted God’s help, but not God’s authority. And Hebrews reveals that this same tension continues in the hearts of believers today. Many people admire Jesus, but fewer want to be led by Him. Many love the idea of faith, but fewer love the surrender that faith requires. Many desire God’s rest, but fewer desire the process that leads to rest. Hardened hearts resist surrender because surrender threatens the illusion of control. And Hebrews gently reminds us that as long as we cling to control, we cannot enter the rest God offers. Rest begins where resistance ends.

What makes Hebrews 3 so spiritually potent is not just its warning but its invitation. It does not merely say, “Do not harden your heart.” It invites you into a life where your heart is continually softened by who Jesus is and what He has done. The chapter urges us to consider Him, to hold firmly to the confidence we had at the beginning, to encourage one another daily, and to remain attentive to the voice of God. These are not burdens; they are lifelines. They are pathways into spiritual stability, emotional resilience, relational depth, and divine intimacy. This chapter is not interested in producing fearful Christians but faithful ones. Not cautious Christians but courageous ones. Not hardened Christians but tender ones. Hebrews 3 is a spiritual recalibration, a way of bringing wandering hearts back into alignment with the One who calls us beloved.

When you sit with this chapter long enough, a quiet realization begins to rise inside you, a realization that the greatest danger to faith is not persecution or suffering or external opposition. The greatest danger is internal erosion. It is the subtle slipping of confidence, the gradual cooling of conviction, the slow forgetting of God’s goodness, the steady dimming of hope, and the unnoticed reshaping of the heart by pressures instead of promises. Hebrews 3 is exposing the inner landscape long before the outer life begins to reflect its decay. Most people assume their spiritual collapse would be sudden and obvious, something they could see coming, something they could prepare for, something they could catch early enough to correct. But collapse seldom works that way. More often, collapse is the inevitable result of many small compromises, many delayed obediences, many silenced promptings, and many days in which a person hears the voice of God and either postpones their response or rationalizes their resistance. This is why the writer says today. Not tomorrow. Not later. Not eventually. Today is where faith is built or abandoned. Today is where the heart softens or hardens. Today is where obedience begins or drifts. Today is where confidence is strengthened or sacrificed. The urgency is not fear-based but love-based, because every today shapes all the tomorrows that follow.

At the same time, Hebrews 3 is not calling us into a panicked vigilance but a peaceful awareness. The posture this chapter calls us into is not frantic striving but attentive trust. It is the awareness that your heart is always becoming something. It is either becoming more tender or more calloused, more trusting or more resistant, more surrendered or more self-reliant. And the shift from one direction to the other is rarely accompanied by dramatic emotion. It happens quietly, sometimes invisibly, through the decisions and attitudes you carry into the ordinary hours of your life. Hebrews teaches that the heart is shaped by habits, by what you meditate on, by the voices you allow to influence you, by the disappointments you refuse to process honestly, by the gratitude you either nurture or neglect, and by the degree to which you trust God with what you cannot control. This is why the command to encourage one another daily is not an optional footnote. It is the spiritual ecology of the kingdom. Hearts remain soft when surrounded by other soft hearts. People stay faithful when they are reminded that faithfulness still matters. Believers stay tender when they are loved by other believers who refuse to let them drift unnoticed.

One of the profound layers beneath this chapter is the idea that unbelief is not merely refusal but rebellion. It is not passive. It is active. It is the heart saying, “I prefer my interpretation of reality over God’s.” This is the essence of the wilderness generation’s downfall. They saw God’s works, but they did not let those works redefine their worldview. They lived through miracles, but those miracles did not rewire their trust. After the Red Sea parted, they still feared their enemies. After manna fell, they still doubted God’s provision. After water flowed from a rock, they still questioned whether God cared. From the outside, their skepticism seems unimaginable, almost absurd. But Hebrews uses their story to show us that unbelief is not a logic issue. It is a trust issue. And trust is not built by information but by surrender. This is why many modern believers still struggle with the same spiritual patterns. They ask God for a sign, He gives the sign, and then they require another sign to believe the first one. They ask God for confirmation, He gives confirmation, and then they need reassurance to accept the confirmation. The issue is not the lack of divine communication but the heart’s unwillingness to yield. Faith grows where surrender lives. Unbelief grows where control reigns.

The more deeply you let this chapter speak, the more you begin to see yourself in the wilderness story. Not in the dramatic rebellion but in the subtle doubts, the quiet resentments, the unspoken frustrations, the delayed obediences, and the small corners of the heart where distrust hides beneath religious language. Hebrews 3 is not trying to shame you with these reflections; it is trying to rescue you. It is trying to rescue you from living a life where your heart is slowly shaped by fear instead of faith, by disappointment instead of devotion, by memories instead of miracles, and by emotions instead of truth. It is trying to save you from becoming the kind of believer who lives close to the things of God but never truly rests in the heart of God. It is trying to pull you out of the exhausting spiral of striving and into the freedom of surrender. The wilderness generation shows us that it is entirely possible to be delivered and still not be free. Freedom does not happen when chains fall off the wrists but when the distrust falls off the heart. Hebrews invites you into that freedom.

Another profound dimension of this chapter is the way it reveals the nature of spiritual rest. Rest is not the absence of effort or adversity. It is the presence of trust. It is the ability to walk through difficulty without assuming abandonment, to endure uncertainty without assuming danger, to face delays without assuming denial, and to move into the unknown without needing to know. Rest is the posture of a heart that believes God wholeheartedly even when life does not cooperate. It is the heart that understands that God is not just leading you to something; He is forming you into someone. And the formation matters as much as the destination. The wilderness generation wanted the destination without the formation. They wanted the promise without the process. They wanted the land without the lessons. But God refuses to offer a rest that sits only on the surface. He offers a rest that settles into the soul. Hebrews teaches that this kind of rest requires a heart that is willing, open, and yielded. Rest cannot be forced. It must be received. And it can only be received by the heart that stops resisting.

The contrast between Moses and Jesus in this chapter is also deeply significant because it reshapes the reader’s entire understanding of spiritual authority. Moses was faithful as a servant. Jesus is faithful as a Son. Moses delivered the people from Egypt. Jesus delivers the people from themselves. Moses brought Israel into a covenant. Jesus becomes the fulfillment of the covenant. Moses led a physical nation. Jesus builds a spiritual house. This comparison does not diminish Moses but reveals the incomparable glory of Christ. It reminds the reader that faith is not built upon symbolic leaders but upon the living presence of the One who sustains all things by His word. Fixing your eyes on Jesus is not simply admiration; it is alignment. It is the steady centering of your identity, your decisions, your desires, your relationships, and your obedience around the One who is faithful, unchanging, trustworthy, and victorious. When the writer says Christ is faithful as a Son over God’s house, he is reminding you that you are held, guided, known, and led by One whose authority is rooted not in service but in sonship. That means every command He gives is backed by love, every warning He offers is wrapped in wisdom, and every promise He speaks is guaranteed by the perfection of His character.

What becomes increasingly clear is that Hebrews 3 is about identity as much as obedience. It is about reminding believers who they are within the household of God. The writer says we are His house if we hold fast to our confidence and the hope to which we boast. This means you do not simply belong to God in a legal sense. You belong to Him in a relational sense. You are part of His household, His family, His dwelling place. You are not an outsider trying to earn access. You are an insider learning how to walk in the reality that is already yours. And the condition attached to that identity is not performance but perseverance. It is not flawless living but faithful living. It is not perfect holiness but ongoing trust. We belong to God not because we never fall short but because we never let go of the One who holds us. Hebrews teaches that holding firmly to your confidence is not stubbornness; it is spiritual clarity.

As the chapter closes, the writer asks again why the wilderness generation failed to enter God’s rest, and the answer is painfully simple: unbelief. Not unbelief as in atheism. Not unbelief as in denial. Not unbelief as in ignorance. But unbelief expressed through continual distrust. A distrust that refused to surrender even after witnessing divine faithfulness repeatedly. Their unbelief was not a moment of doubt but a lifestyle of resistance. And the warning is clear: do not let that pattern repeat in you. But the invitation is equally clear: you can choose differently. You can cultivate a heart that trusts God today. You can soften your heart when it begins to harden. You can respond to God’s voice without delay. You can live with an open spirit even in difficult seasons. You can encourage others daily so their hearts stay tender too. You can let Jesus remain the center of your confidence. You can choose a faith that grows stronger instead of weaker. You can walk in rest instead of anxiety, in surrender instead of striving, in closeness instead of distance, and in transformation instead of stagnation. Hebrews 3 is not a chapter meant to haunt you with warnings but to heal you with awareness. It is an invitation into a deeper life.

And beneath all this theology lies an emotional truth that often goes unnoticed: God desires to be trusted. Not admired from a distance. Not believed in as a concept. Not referenced as a tradition. But trusted. Trusted with your story. Trusted with your fears. Trusted with your wounds. Trusted with your disappointments. Trusted with your timeline. Trusted with your future. Trusted with your heart. When God calls out unbelief in Scripture, He is not scolding like a frustrated parent. He is longing like a loving Father who desires intimacy with His children. Unbelief wounds relationship more than anything else. It builds walls where God is trying to build connection. It creates distance where God is trying to create closeness. Hebrews 3 is showing us that the heart that trusts experiences God differently—not because God changes, but because the experience of Him becomes clearer, richer, deeper, and more transformative when the heart is fully open.

The final message of this chapter, the one that lingers long after the words fade, is a simple but profound calling: guard your heart’s softness. Guard it fiercely. Guard it intentionally. Guard it from cynicism. Guard it from bitterness. Guard it from disappointment. Guard it from fear. Guard it from the slow buildup of unbelief that hides beneath busyness, exhaustion, or spiritual numbness. Softness is the soil where faith grows. Hardness is the soil where faith dies. Hebrews does not say this to frighten you but to empower you. You have the ability, through the Spirit of God, to choose softness. You can choose to forgive. You can choose to trust. You can choose to let go. You can choose to surrender. You can choose to obey. You can choose to listen. You can choose to encourage. You can choose to believe. You can choose the path of the heart that enters God’s rest.

And perhaps the most beautiful truth in all of Hebrews 3 is this: God never stops speaking. Even when we drift, He calls. Even when we resist, He invites. Even when we fear, He reassures. Even when we question, He comforts. Even when we wander, He pursues. Even when we harden, He continues whispering to the heart that has not fully closed. He is not looking for perfection. He is looking for permission. Permission to soften what has hardened. Permission to restore what has drifted. Permission to heal what has been wounded. Permission to guide what has grown confused. Permission to draw near where distance once existed. The God who warned the wilderness generation is the same God who draws near to you today, not with condemnation but with compassion. He says, “Today, if you hear My voice…” because He is still speaking, still loving, still calling, still leading, and still offering the rest your soul longs for.

In the end, Hebrews 3 is not merely a chapter of Scripture. It is a spiritual crossroads. It is the place where every believer must decide whether they will walk with a heart that remains open, tender, willing, responsive, and trusting. It is a reminder that faith is not an event but a posture. It is a reminder that spiritual rest is not passive but intentional. It is a reminder that your heart is sacred ground that must be watched over with care. And it is a reminder that God longs to lead you into a life that is lighter, freer, more surrendered, and more rooted than anything you have ever experienced. The choice is not complex, but it is costly. It costs your resistance. It costs your insistence. It costs your desire to control every outcome. But what you receive in return is immeasurable: the peace that passes understanding, the rest that anchors the soul, the clarity that reshapes identity, and the intimacy with God that transforms everything.

So let this chapter do its work in you. Let it examine the quiet corners of your heart. Let it reveal the places where distrust has grown unnoticed. Let it soften what has become calloused. Let it awaken what has gone numb. Let it strengthen what has grown weary. Let it remind you of who you are, who He is, and what kind of life He is calling you to live. And above all, let it call you back into the present moment—the today where God still speaks, where surrender is still possible, where rest is still available, and where faith still transforms the willing heart. Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your heart. Choose trust. Choose softness. Choose Him.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

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Het vrolijke Paflof lied

Altijd als de bel gaat sta ik ogenblikkelijk op en als de stroom uitvalt herstel ik meteen de stop ik weet ieder moment wat mij te doen staat als een vooraf bepaald bericht rond gaat

ik heb iedere dag een hele hoop te doen dankzij regelmatige injectie van de poen komt het middel binnen dan word ik geactiveerd dat is de belangrijkste les die ik jong heb geleerd

Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé hozee en hoplakee

overal heb ik hendels waaraan zal worden getrokken werken niet veel anders dan geslagen worden met stokken ik wil overal zijn zoals alle anderen ook willen zijn zodra ik de tekens ontvang volg ik de uitgetekende richtlijn

Ik wil langs de mijlpalen die ik heb geleerd te herkennen als het startschot gaat meedoen om de race te winnen mijn vrije wil is een exacte replica van die van alle anderen dat moet zo blijven en zal dus nooit in een andere veranderen

Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé hozee en hoplakee

Alle regels die ik moet kennen ken ik uit mijn hoofd ik ben met succes in geen tijd van mijn authenticiteit beroofd altijd ben ik goed, vakkundig, braaf en volgzaam geweest hoera, dankzij des karakters eigenschappen is het leven een feest

Als ik een afstandsbediening zie dan zet ik deze in het drukken op aangeboden knopjes geeft het leven zin mijn bestaan bestaat compleet uit lukraak opgediste verhalen zeg het me een paar keer voor en ik weet hoe ik moet herhalen

Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé hozee en hoplakee

a zo volgzaam b zo gedwee een leven van ja plus eentje van nee het merendeel valt tegen een of twee vallen mee omdat ze minder tegenvallen niet omdat ze goed bevallen fijn om dat van te voren te weten een taak gedaan, steeds herhalen, en nooit vergeten

Ik ga van een open deur naar tientallen dichte deuren op des herren wegen reageer ik juist op de drie kleuren ik ga door bij groen, twijfel voor oranje, stop bij rood en als men zegt dat mijn tijd is gekomen ga ik voor ze dood

Ik ben verslaafd aan het opvoeren van een zichtbare reactie meestal na een voor de zinnen amper waarneembare actie heerlijk om te ageren op god mag weten wat het is super blij dat de bron van die actie uit mijn lijf is gewist

Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé hozee en hoplakee

een half woord gegeven en dan zingt iedereen mee

Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé hozee en hoplakee

zeg nee dan krijg je er, Ik ben een robot een slaaf van god en vaderland dankzij mijn verstand olé ho zee en o wee en dan hoplakee

23 February 2026

Still outside (working title): found a stack of old Polaroids over the weekend that I hadn't looked at in probably a year, and instantly there was a freshness to their format from a painting perspective—the image as a container being contained. Thought of Marisol's 1961 Family Portrait lithograph, of approaching and reacting to the edges of the source. Mine was of a scene of surfaces supporting half-emptied glasses and bottles at Yena's old flat in Vauxhall. Suspended pheromones.

There are moments in life when a truth you thought you understood suddenly reveals itself at a deeper level, almost as if God had been waiting for your heart to slow down long enough to finally hear it. This is one of those truths. Many believers spend years trying to earn what was freely given, trying to behave their way into the love of a Savior who never once asked for performance as the price of admission. The idea that Jesus does not love you because you behave well seems simple on the surface, but when it sinks in, it rearranges everything inside you. The very ground of your faith shifts, the walls you built around your failures begin to soften, the fears you carried about disappointing God begin to loosen their grip, and you discover that the foundation of your worth has never depended on your ability to get life right. It has always depended on the identity of the One who chose you before you ever took your first breath. When love is who He is, not what you earn, the entire journey becomes less about striving and more about becoming someone who can actually receive the love that has been chasing you all along.

When you begin looking back over the arc of your life, you can see the countless ways you tried to earn a place close to God’s heart. You tried to pray harder, serve more, repent better, behave cleaner, and appear stronger, thinking that if you could just get your spiritual act together, then God would finally take you seriously. And yet that entire mindset begins to crumble the moment you understand that Jesus does not respond to you based on your performance; He responds based on His nature. His love does not increase with your obedience or decrease with your mistakes. His love is not calibrated to your behavior at all. It is calibrated to His identity, which means it is steady, unshakeable, unwavering, and eternal. This is the kind of love that cannot be manipulated by guilt or fear. It cannot be destroyed by sin or hardened by disappointment. It cannot be disrupted by seasons of wandering or diminished by seasons of weakness. When love becomes identity, not reward, it becomes something far more powerful than most believers ever allow themselves to accept.

The deeper I walk with God, the more I realize that many believers live with an unspoken dread that God is constantly evaluating them. They fear they have used up too much grace. They fear they have taken too long to change. They fear their failures have tilted the scales against them. They fear that the patience of God is running thin. But this fear is built on a misunderstanding of who Jesus actually is. Jesus does not extend love as a reluctant gesture. He is love in its purest form, which means He does not merely choose to love you; He cannot not love you. Love is not His mood. Love is His being. If Jesus ever stopped loving you, He would stop being Himself, and that is something He will never do. When you fully grasp that, shame begins to lose its authority, fear begins to lose its volume, and you begin walking in a freedom that only comes from knowing that the ground beneath you does not crack when you stumble.

There is a reason so many believers walk through life with a quiet exhaustion in their spirit. They have turned their relationship with God into a long project of self-improvement rather than a long surrender to divine love. They are trying to graduate from brokenness rather than letting grace meet them right in the midst of it. They are trying to be good enough for a God who never asked them to be good enough; He asked them to be honest. They are trying to behave their way into acceptance rather than allowing acceptance to transform their behavior. When you are loved at the core of your imperfection, something sacred happens inside you. You stop running from God and start running toward Him because you finally realize that the places you hide from Him are the very places He is trying to heal. You stop pretending you have everything under control and begin leaning into a relationship that was never built on control in the first place. You stop trying to fix your heart and begin trusting the One who shaped it.

One of the most beautiful patterns in Scripture is how consistently Jesus moves toward the people everyone else avoids. He touched the leper before the leper was clean. He defended the woman caught in adultery before she changed her life. He shared meals with people society labeled as hopeless. He called His disciples while they were still entrenched in their flaws, their tempers, their doubts, and their limited understanding. These are not random moments; they are revelations of the heart of God. Jesus did not wait for people to behave well before loving them. His love was the catalyst for their transformation, not the reward. He stepped into their shame without hesitation because their shame never threatened His holiness. He walked into their darkness without fear because their darkness never intimidated His light. And He still does the same with you and me today. When love is an identity, not a transaction, it moves into places that punishment could never reach and healing becomes possible in places where you once felt permanently defeated.

There are times in life when you look at your own reflection and struggle to see anything God could possibly love. You see your worst decisions. You see your failures. You see the moments when you walked away instead of leaning in. You see the seasons when your faith grew thin and your hope grew tired. You see the days when you treated others out of wounds instead of wisdom. And your instinct is to assume that God sees you through the same lens. But He does not. Jesus does not love the cleaned-up version of you that you imagine someday becoming. He loves the real you, right now, as you are, in this moment. He sees the story behind your reactions, the upbringing behind your fears, the wounds behind your anger, the disappointments behind your doubt. He understands the deeper currents beneath your choices in a way you never could, and He loves you with the fullness of that understanding, not in spite of it. When love operates from identity, it sees beneath the surface, embraces the whole story, and chooses you with both eyes open.

Every believer eventually reaches a point where they must confront the lie that God’s love is fragile. And it is a lie that has deep roots. Some of us grew up in environments where love had to be earned. Some of us lived in homes where affection was conditional. Some of us were surrounded by people who withdrew warmth the moment we disappointed them. Some of us learned early that acceptance was a reward for pleasing others and silence was the punishment for falling short. Without realizing it, we carry those same expectations into our relationship with God. We assume His patience is like theirs. We assume His forgiveness is as limited as theirs. We assume His affection disappears the moment we fail to meet expectations. But God is not a projection of the flawed people who shaped your childhood. He is not an upgraded version of human love. He is love in its original, perfect form. And when you finally let yourself believe that His love is not fragile, you begin to breathe again in places of your soul that have suffocated for years.

When you begin living from the truth that Jesus loves you because love is His identity and not because you have performed well enough to earn it, everything about your inner world begins to be reordered. You no longer wake up every day wondering if today will be the day God finally runs out of patience with you. You no longer carry the weight of trying to prove that you are worthy of being chosen. You no longer fear that one wrong move will undo years of spiritual growth. Instead, your life becomes rooted in the quiet confidence that His presence is not a prize but a promise, not a paycheck but a gift, not a reaction but a revelation of who He will always be. That is when peace begins to settle into your bones in a way you never thought possible. You begin stepping into prayer not as a duty but as a place of rest. You begin reading Scripture not as an assignment but as a conversation with Someone who delights in your voice. You begin serving others not to gain approval but because the love flowing into you naturally begins to flow out of you. When love becomes the foundation, not the goal, you experience the kind of spiritual freedom that transforms the very atmosphere of your life.

The most transformative journeys with God do not begin with discipline; they begin with surrender. And surrender is not the act of giving up on yourself; it is the act of giving up the story you once believed about how God feels toward you. For many believers, the greatest breakthrough comes when they stop trying to behave their way into God’s affection and finally let themselves receive the affection that has always been there. When you finally stop striving, you can finally start healing. When you stop trying to earn love, you can finally be embraced by it. When you stop performing, you can finally be known. And the moment you let love in at that depth, everything else begins to change. You start treating yourself with the same grace Jesus has already extended to you. You start extending forgiveness to others because the love you have received is too big to keep to yourself. You begin to walk with a quiet boldness because you know you belong to Someone whose love cannot be shaken.

If you look back across your life with spiritual clarity, you begin to see that the love of Jesus has carried you through valleys you did not even realize you were walking through at the time. You can see where you should have fallen apart but somehow didn’t. You can see where shame should have swallowed you whole but grace stepped in instead. You can see where loneliness should have broken you, yet presence met you in ways you could not explain. You can see where regret should have hardened your heart, but mercy softened it instead. The consistent thread through all of it is love—a love that acted long before you behaved right, long before you prayed faithfully, long before you understood Scripture, long before you even knew who you were. This is why Scripture says that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. That is not poetic language. That is the absolute evidence that His love is rooted in His identity, not your performance. If His love ever depended on you, it would have collapsed before you even had a chance to begin.

There is something incredibly freeing about realizing that Jesus does not have illusions about you. He knows every moment you wish you could undo. He knows every version of you that you never want the world to see. He knows the battles you hide behind your smiles. He knows the fears you bury under responsibility. He knows the wounds that never fully healed. And yet He loves you with full awareness. Human love often breaks when the truth comes out, but divine love becomes even more powerful because the truth is never a threat to the One who created you. Jesus does not love the idealized version of you that you wish you could be someday. He loves the person you are right now. And His love does not treat your imperfections as disqualifications but as invitations to healing. Every time you are tempted to think that your flaws make you unlovable, remember that your flaws are the very places where His love is most eager to work.

One of the greatest lies the enemy whispers into the hearts of believers is the idea that God is disappointed in them. And disappointment is a powerful weapon because it convinces you that you are not worthy of returning to Him. It convinces you that you have failed too deeply, wandered too long, resisted too stubbornly. But disappointment requires unmet expectations, and Jesus has no illusions about who you are. His expectations are not fantasies about your perfection; His expectations are built on intimate knowledge of your humanity. He draws you in with compassion because He knows where you come from. He extends patience because He knows the weight of your history. He whispers peace because He knows the battles inside your mind. Disappointment is a human response, not a divine one. Jesus does not stand over you with folded arms waiting for you to get it together. He stands with arms open, waiting for you to come home so He can begin the work only love can do.

When you finally accept the truth that love is the identity of Christ, not the reward for your performance, you begin to understand why the Gospel has the power to heal the deepest layers of the human soul. You understand why prayer becomes a refuge instead of an obligation. You understand why repentance becomes a pathway to freedom rather than a chamber of guilt. You understand why grace becomes the language of transformation rather than the permission slip for failure. You understand why intimacy with God becomes possible, because intimacy cannot be built with someone you are constantly trying to impress. Intimacy grows where trust grows, and trust grows where love remains steady. When Jesus becomes the anchor of your identity instead of the judge of your behavior, you start living with a sense of belonging that no storm can steal from you.

What God desires most is not your flawless behavior but your open heart. He is not looking for you to prove yourself. He is looking for you to entrust yourself. He is not waiting for you to arrive at perfection before He draws near. He draws near so that His presence can shape you from the inside out. The believer who learns to live in the constant awareness of Jesus’s identity as love is the believer who becomes unshakeable. Not perfect, but unshakeable. Not flawless, but rooted. Not always confident, but never abandoned. And when people see the way you walk through life with that steady sense of being held, it becomes its own testimony. It becomes a quiet invitation to others who have spent their entire lives believing they had to earn love in order to deserve it. But when they see someone who has finally learned how to receive love without fear, they begin to wonder if that kind of freedom might be possible for them too.

So you keep walking. You keep seeking. You keep resting in the truth that Jesus loves you because love is His nature, not your achievement. You keep reminding yourself that your failures are not stronger than His identity. And as you do, your life becomes a living witness that grace is not the reward for the righteous but the lifeline for the weary. It becomes a reminder that divine love is the only environment where real transformation can take place. And it becomes the story of someone who no longer tries to perform for God but instead allows God to shape a heart that looks a little more like His every day.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

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1. When the infinite “I” assumes a point of view, space appears.

2. When the infinite “I” assumes continuity, time appears.

3. When the infinite “I” assumes limitation, object appears.

4. When the infinite “I” prefers this angle over all others, direction appears.

5. When it draws a first faint line of “here” against “not-here,” inside and outside appear.

6. When it repeats that line, boundary appears.

7. When it compares one boundary to another, distance appears.

8. When it counts distances, measure appears.

9. When it strings measures into a rhythm, sequence appears.

10. When it trusts sequence, causality appears.

11. When it lets causality harden into expectation, law appears.

12. When it lets law shimmer as possibility, pattern appears.

13. When it favors one pattern, a ray of light appears.

14. When it rides that ray as “my line,” a path appears.

15. When it imagines countless rays at once, a sky of potential worlds appears.

16. When it chooses one ray to inhabit, a universe-seed appears.

17. When it names that seed “mine,” ownership appears.

18. When it forgets naming was optional, necessity appears.

19. When it gazes at necessity, a witness appears.

20. When the witness longs to act, will appears.

21. When will gathers into a single luminous center, a supreme being appears.

22. When that being reflects itself in many forms, a garland of great beings appears.

23. When one great being is taken as “the main one,” hierarchy appears.

24. When hierarchy is held as beauty, cosmic order appears.

25. When order begins to move, an ocean of mind appears.

26. When mind swells with moods and currents, emotion appears.

27. When emotion folds into deep habit, tendency appears.

28. When tendency repeats itself, karma appears.

29. When karma demands a stage, world-spheres appear.

30. When one sphere is singled out as home, a particular world appears.

31. When the world is stabilized by shared dreaming, consensus reality appears.

32. When consensus is mapped, continents appear.

33. When continents are divided by story, countries appear.

34. When a country is narrowed into belonging, a homeland appears.

35. When belonging becomes terrain, hills appear.

36. When terrain is given life-lines, trees appear.

37. When life-lines mature into outcome, fruits appear.

38. When outcome is condensed into potential, seeds appear.

39. When a seed is taken as the source, a beginning appears.

40. When beginning is believed to be unique, a single fate-line appears.

41. When the fate-line is felt as pressure, gravity appears.

42. When gravity is trusted as “down,” matter appears.

43. When matter is imagined as stable, substance appears.

44. When substance is broken into kinds, elements appear.

45. When elements court one another, chemistry appears.

46. When chemistry repeats with memory, biology appears.

47. When biology seeks persistence, survival appears.

48. When survival needs edges, skin appears.

49. When skin is treated as “me,” a body appears.

50. When the body needs orientation, senses appear.

51. When sensing is arranged into a center, a nervous system appears.

52. When sensations are ranked as pleasant and painful, preference appears.

53. When preference clings, desire appears.

54. When desire fears loss, aversion appears.

55. When aversion imagines threats, an enemy appears.

56. When enemy is projected outward, a world of others appears.

57. When “others” are compared, status appears.

58. When status is defended, identity appears.

59. When identity is narrated, a personal story appears.

60. When story is believed without question, a person appears.

61. When the person seeks continuity, memory appears.

62. When memory is stitched into a line, a lifetime appears.

63. When a lifetime is weighed, meaning appears.

64. When meaning is sought in mirrors, relationship appears.

65. When relationship tightens into roles, family appears.

66. When roles compress into inheritance, lineage appears.

67. When lineage becomes a template, genes appear.

68. When the template needs a doorway, parents appear.

69. When parents are drawn together by unseen vectors, meeting appears.

70. When meeting becomes irreversible union, conception appears.

71. When consciousness accepts a first enclosure, a womb appears.

72. When enclosure becomes nourishment, a placenta appears.

73. When nourishment is buffered by protection, amniotic waters appear.

74. When protection becomes intimate darkness, inner night appears.

75. When inner night pulses with borrowed rhythm, a heartbeat appears.

76. When heartbeat becomes the first clock, prenatal time appears.

77. When prenatal time differentiates sensation, touch appears.

78. When touch seeks orientation, motion appears.

79. When motion meets resistance, limbs appear.

80. When limbs rehearse agency, reflex appears.

81. When reflex is colored by mood, temperament appears.

82. When temperament echoes the mother’s tides, shared emotion appears.

83. When shared emotion condenses into disposition, personality-seed appears.

84. When personality-seed gathers images, dreaming appears.

85. When dreaming repeats themes, a private myth appears.

86. When myth anticipates separation, anxiety appears.

87. When anxiety intensifies into a shove toward form, labor appears.

88. When labor tightens the world into a tunnel, the birth canal appears.

89. When the tunnel is crossed, first light appears.

90. When first light is met by air, first breath appears.

91. When breath is claimed as “I am,” a newborn self appears.

92. When the newborn self is answered by faces, bonding appears.

93. When bonding is stabilized by repetition, trust appears.

94. When trust is organized by sound, language appears.

95. When language labels the flux, objects-as-nouns appear.

96. When nouns are arranged into rules, culture appears.

97. When culture is internalized as “should,” conscience appears.

98. When conscience fears exile, performance appears.

99. When performance is mistaken for essence, ego appears.

100. When ego forgets it was ever the infinite “I,” a world that feels final—“me in a body, facing everything else”—appears.

C'est une tragédie, c'est une parodie.

Il craque de partout, ce vieux Monde fini.

Qu'y reste-t-il, que sa défense justifie ?

Bah, presque rien : la vie. Hé ! Presque tout : la vie !

No good night's sleep the entire week, and now it's even worse with Gastown also pushing to the main branch willy-nilly, causing slight panic. At least I got to hang out with friends in board games and talk to the love of my life in the evening!

The birthday dinner was fun, but I came home to $1200 in expenditures to the company claude account. Goodbye, Gastown.

Our first run in with an attempt at false accusations came in the form of “over $40,000 credit card fraud”.

I am serious. And who did the false accusations come from? My parents. Mind you: our bank fraud had taken place, the reversals on our accounts from clientele, AND then tack on another “$40,000 in credit card fraud”!?

It was enough to make someone want to crawl under a rock and disappear. Here is the thing about this claim though: one of my parents had invested, willingly, into our business. We showed receipts and brought them evidence of every penny accounted for. Slowly but surely, I noticed that these “statements” they fabricated (literally, lol) were not adding up. Not only that, the “statements” from said bank had mismatched dates & charges...

I pointed this out to my parents. I pointed out, loudly, that this was incorrect, especially since my spouse and I had suffered bank fraud at the same exact bank, only a month earlier. So again, I asked myself why would they attempt to frame us for credit card fraud? Was it simply because they were indoctrinated into the program? Or is it because they are the ones funding part of my harassment and stalking? I will never know. But I do remember everything that transpired last year. This was not the first time my parents had falsified documentation in my name for personal gain.

I was in my home last year looking through documentation I had received from one of my parents and found a “Durable POA”. Interestingly enough, I thought it was strange; I had just signed a “revised” copy of the durable POA over my children about a month prior to that (which one of my parents financially exploited me into signing). Legally you are only able to obtain two POAs, not three. Not only that: the date on this document was “signed” about 10 days prior to me marrying my spouse. It made no sense. The only thing I was managing at the time of getting married was a false CPS accusation, chemo, & getting married! I never signed this document, nor had I ever seen it prior to last year.

I know. It's insane. Fraud, forgery, and false accusations, the three big Fs. Oh it doesn't stop there; when I went to my parents with this fake POA, I was met with threats of physical violence (one of my parents said they would break my knees), I was asked if I was jealous of how my parents lived, & recorded for evidence of my looking “crazy” & also for it to be “proof” that I am “unstable”. Completely staged. Which reminds me, I saw my children in January of this year & was videotaped then also. My parent is an evil and vile human being. One of my parents I pity and feel compassion for at the same time. They actively did these things to me though; they made those choices. To their own kid. Unbelievable, yet very much my truth.

I mentioned one of my siblings that works for the government; I have another sibling that studied arts at school I believe. This sibling I personally, was there for through their most difficult times in life. Yet they used my past against me. They ridiculed me, they tried to humble me, and they joined forces with my spouse's ex. Funny, right? So sad though. The need to gangstalk and abuse one individual, shows that cowards move in packs. I am still standing all by myself, with my spouse. It empowers me. I firmly believe this was designed to break me, but I have been bouncing back. I am grateful for the year of revelation, the year of truth, and exposure. This year is the year of momentum.

To the people who are reading to gather information or to stalk: Welcome. I love you very much. To the ones who have no idea that this program exists in their own backyard: Please pay attention. We are hundreds of thousands of us that exist and are being tortured. And most importantly, to my fellow TIs: I see you. I hear you. You are not alone.*

Some information: 15. Further to the above, gangstalkers rely on disbelief and discrediting and as such much of the harassment is designed (at least initially) to mimic mental health issues. They also rely on their abuse being so extreme, so pervasive, so fundamentally immoral, as to be disbelieved and victims subsequently resort to photographing, videotaping, and sound recording their everyday encounters to disprove the countless unfounded claims made against them – especially in relation to gaslighting, which gangstalkers try to turn around and paint the victims as paranoid or irrational. Victims are made to feel helpless as every attempt to defend themselves is used against them and when they seek help they are met with disbelief or open hostility.

Jaide owwt*

1. The Just City (Thessaly #1) by Jo Walton, 368p: This novel begins with an interesting premise: Apollo, trying to understand consent after Daphne escapes him by turning into a tree, joins Athena’s experiment to build Plato’s Just City and chooses to live there as a powerless human child. The philosophical discussions about agency, sentience, and whether robots are slaves are thought-provoking, and Socrates questioning the status of the workers was the highlight for me. In the end, I didn’t really love it. The ideas are interesting, but the whole thing just left me feeling uncomfortable. The sexual assault parts weren’t handled in a way that felt properly addressed, which is especially weird in a story that’s supposed to be about justice and consent. The society often seemed oddly unquestioning and cult-like, I couldn't connect with any of the characters. Overall, it felt more depressing than thought-provoking, and it just didn’t click for me.

2. Persepolis Rising (The Expanse #7) by James S.A. Corey, 622p: It opens with a time jump, where the Rocinante’s crew are older and even beginning to think about retirement. The pacing was excellent, and it kicks off a new arc in the story, introducing a new military force determined to dominate everyone else, as they tend to do. This book has some great action scenes and great character development. The military occupation is somewhat quiet and brutal, very passive-aggressive style, which makes it even more violent. It employs all the fascist propaganda methods of oppression, which makes it unsettling and real. I definitely want to know what happens next.

3. Dreamweaver's Dilemma (Vorkosigan Saga (Publication Order) #9.1) by Lois McMaster Bujold, 26p: This was an interesting short story in the Vorkosigan universe. As per the author's note, it is her first draft of what has become the “Vorkosiverse” or the “Vorkosigan Saga”. It takes place around 600 years before the first in the series Cordelia's Honor. It's about a “feelie-dream” composer who is asked to compose a particularly bizarre dream from a mysterious and eccentric client, who is offering a big sum of money for it. The “feelie-dream” is a kind of 3D-sensory-virtual reality experience that people plug-in to experience, kinda like a very immersive Virtual Reality experience. The story is mysterious and exciting, with noir-like tension in the way the composer tries to understand who this man really is and why he wants this particular dream created.

4. Falling Free (Vorkosigan Saga (Publication Order) #4) by Lois McMaster Bujold, 237p: I loved that this book if full of engineers problem-solving with whatever resources and tools they have available. There are fun references to typical engineer quirks. But on top of that, it deals with genetically altered humans subjected to a big corporation's greed. It takes place 200 years before Miles Vorkosigan was born. The “Quaddies” are genetically modified people who have four arms: instead of legs, they have a second pair of hands, which makes them very efficient in zero gravity. However, the Quaddies are legally considered corporate assets, used as space labor, and we see their struggles for autonomy and recognition. I read this after finishing the Brothers in Arms / Mirror Dance / Memory / A Civil Campaign sequence. It's a nice addition to the Vorkosigan Saga world-building, especially since the Quaddies are referenced again in the next book in the series, Diplomatic Immunity.

5. Do You Want to Start a Scandal (Castles Ever After #4) by Tessa Dare, 384p: This one was a funny and light read. The mother's sex education dialogue was hilarious, I'll remember it every time I see aubergines and peaches from now on. I liked that there was a bit of a mystery to the story and Charlotte was playing amateur detective with Piers. The mystery resolution was nothing extraordinary, and I missed some more spy action from Piers.

—

#readinglist #books #reading

I remember wanting to have friends. Wanting connection.

But unfortunately, that has changed. And here’s the thing: we aren’t meant to do life alone. I have a spouse I can confide in and talk to about anything, regardless of their reaction. I trust that for just a nano second, I can be completely vulnerable.

I’ve mentioned that this program has indoctrinated my neighbors/former neighbors and this is absolutely true. Let me explain:

In 2024, that’s when all of our “friends” started to fall off the map. Dropping us like a bad habit, without explanation. Setting the tone for what was to come. We had a specific set of “best friends”, a married couple. They seemed to be down to earth & very understanding.

Well, the last time we spoke to them was May 2024, and quite literally after we’d hung out that night, we never heard from them again. Quite literally. And I’ll be completely honest: I am glad they exited the way they did. Other people (which I’ll get into here shortly) exited loudly, causing harm.

I firmly believe that these former acquaintances were paid to exit our lives. Why else would everyone ditch us like that? You know what I mean? Many people said things such as, “I just don’t agree with the meds you’re taking” etc. but really? They were compensated for their time to watch, learn and essentially sell us out to whomever is in charge of our gangstalking.

It’s very heartbreaking. The pain of grieving people who are still alive. But, God has swept in and carried me through. It’s a miracle honestly. Now, remember I mentioned that others exited loudly? In 2024 we befriended our neighbors. It was what I called a pathological alliance (“best friends” extremely fast). It mainly started due to my spouse wanting to befriend them due to our lifestyle, as they’re both in that community. Prior to us opening up about ourselves and being vulnerable with these two individuals, I could sense something off with one of them. I could sense mean energy, envy, and false pretenses. But we proceeded to befriend them.

Side note: I understand I was hurt because I trusted these people, including my own blood. It’s the continued abuse that I cannot accept.

Now, we became completely enthralled with each other, my spouse and I even started our own dog training business that year & they participated, willingly, in volunteering and eventually becoming paid employees. Well, from mid 2024 to early 2025 we made a killing. But little to our knowledge, these two neighbors had joined forces with my spouse’s ex. Remember that I mentioned they might be my handler? They reside in a different state btw, and they’re pulling strings to isolate us.

Well it worked! Once we had our bank fraud issue in Feb of 2025, these two neighbors not only started to stalk us (compensated for their time), but they publicly humiliated us as well. Yup. A giant smear campaign. One that we’re still recovering from today. I’m not sure about any other TIs state laws, but where we reside it’s illegal to use photos/videos of another individual with malicious intent. And that’s exactly what these two did, along with our neighborhood.

They didn’t stop there: on multiple occasions these individuals called our local agency to our property to try and get me on animal abuse, welfare checks, etc. Our local agency was called about 40x to our property. (lol) I cannot make this up.

I learned a term recently called, “Swatting”, which means the action or practice of making a prank call to emergency services in an attempt to bring about the dispatch of a large number of armed police officers to a particular address. Essentially, it’s false reporting. Well, I got a copy of the call log to our property address & saw the names of individuals that were actively swatting us.

One of my parents KNEW about all of this. And continued to maintain a relationship with our former neighbors, acquaintances. My own blood willingly decided to continue being in contact with people who were actively hurting us/had hurt us. To this day, they maintain said relationships.

I have a particular parent that enjoys watching me suffer. They actively protect a family member that sexually abused me as a child. They support people who smeared my name, they speak positively about the wrongdoings of others to me, as if it’s something to boast about. Now, those former neighbors of ours have been secretly envious of us, me, my spouse. They convinced our clientele we had that we were “abusive” people, and every client that had ever made a payment to our company, reversed all of their payments. At this time our bank fraud had happened, we lost about $12k in that, and on the reversals another $9k to $10k. Mind you, I reported the bank fraud to our local agency and that’s when my gangstalkers made it obvious that I was being surveilled, stalked, and harassed.

No big deal. More evidence of this horrendous program for me.

So essentially, all these people were able to steal from me & my spouse to make themselves be comfortable and harm me. My sibling actually works for the government, & I believe they accessed all of my accounts because that’s what they do.

Our former neighbors shared private photos with my spouse’s ex & one of my parents. My parent proceeded to say that my spouse was a derogatory term….no joke. See here’s the thing: all of these people have dirty laundry I could air out, and I have done some of that on my platform. But the REAL dirt? I won’t share. An eye for an eye doesn’t work that way. It comes back around. Always does and God has promised to vindicate me and mine. I pray He has mercy on them.

I’ve come to the conclusion that regardless of what I say, where I say it, they will show up. So I’m just going to speak my truth and pray it helps the next TI.

I had one of the perps at the rehab I was at last year say this to me, & it has stuck with me ever since then: “Don’t let them take your freedom.”

Man. That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Is fight for my right as an American & a person who wants to make a difference. The more we stick together, the more we shed light on this f*cked program.

Jaide owwt*

Today brings two Road Races to fans of the sport. First up from the INDYCAR Racing Series will be the Firestone Grand Prix of St. Petersburg. And later this afternoon we'll have from the NASCAR Cup Series, the DuraMAX Texas Grand Prix.

I'll be bringing both races in from a local TV station OTA, via my old rabbit-ears antennae, rather than streaming via the Internet, thereby avoiding that annoying “buffering” that comes with extended Internet streaming.

And the adventure continues.

Cory Doctorow once again helps me make sense of the world

Fascinating read from Ars Technica about Wikipedia having to blacklist an archiving site via waxy

Perhaps you heard about an AI agent publishing a hit piece on an open source maintainer. I can't even put into words the implications of something like this. Our tech overlords are ruining the world. also via waxy

Wandering Arrow's latest Lobster Liberation Report.

An aside about how the truth matters and facts matter. I appreciate the Clintons right now. This isn't a commentary on if their politics are good or bad. It's a commentary about something a lot of people don't seem to care about or appreciate. The gist is they were like: Oh, you have questions? Swear me in so I can talk about it under oath. Well, I appreciate it.

På en ellers ret kedelig og almindelig tirsdag før juleferien var jeg til et møde på mit arbejde. Indkaldelse i Outlook og en Powerpoint-præsentation i det store mødelokale. Men hvad jeg ellers troede ville være en ret kedelig begivenhed fik mig mere og mere op at køre. Det var et møde om hvordan vi i fremtiden skal bruge AI-chatbots på arbejdspladsen, og bag efter havde jeg en følelse som jeg stadig har svært ved at bestemme, men frem for alt forstår jeg nu at jeg var sur. 

Tilfældet vil have det at jeg arbejder i den del af det offentlige hvor man årligt i løbet af efteråret holder forhandlinger om løn og bonusser, og jeg havde derfor i perioden op til tænkt meget over hvad jeg kan gøre de næste par år for at ligge godt til her, og de overvejelser lå derfor ikke lang væk i min bevidsthed. Jeg kunne som mødet skred frem konstatere at stort set alle de punkter som jeg havde udset mig som mine fremtidige kompetencer, var noget som denne chatbot i stedet skal kunne i fremtiden. Det blev præsenteret som en glædelig nyhed, men jeg kunne ikke tolke det som andet end et konflikt der startede her, og det gjorde mig sur. Det var en udfordring af mine muligheder for at gøre karriere og sikre mig en god position at forhandle løn ud fra. For at gøre ond værre var der samtidig blevet varslet fyringer af mere end 600 medarbejdere i staten, noget som mit kontor dog var gået fri fra, og her var det flere stedet blevet sagt at det ikke var så stort et problem for Statens serviceniveau fordi produktiviteten kommer til at stige med AI. Mit humør blev for alvor punkteret da vi fik at vide at det takket være chatbotten i fremtiden ikke kommer til at betyde så meget hvis en medarbejder forlader arbejdspladsen. Igen præsenteret som en glædelig nyhed – som om det bare ville være super fedt. Men det er jo en katastrofe, tænkte jeg, for hvis jeg har én interesse som lønmodtager, så er det at det betyder noget hvis jeg siger op.

1.

Jeg er måske lidt mere kritisk overfor det her end gennemsnittet, det indrømmer jeg. På sin vis har jeg måske også søgt konfrontationen, ventet på at den opstod. Det skyldes at jeg i længere tid har fulgt de lidt mere kritiske technyheder i det hele taget, men særligt er blevet fascineret af den uafhængige journalist Ed Zitron der med base i USA dækker AI-industrien i et nyhedsbrev og en podcast. Zitron bruger et interessant greb som ofte slår fejl, men som han mestrer ret fint: den sure indignation. Det er tydeligt at læse – og særligt høre – i hans podcast at han er skide sur, men han er det på en måde så det ikke kompromitterer ham, og i stedet blot gør ham mere troværdig. Nok fordi det er autentisk, men også fordi han i øvrigt kan finde ud af at forklare hvorfor han er sur, vreden forhindrer ham ikke i at formulere sammenhængende analyser og argumenter. Det har for mig været befriende fordi det ofte kan være forløsende at se andre være sure på en autentisk måde. Forløsende at høre at det er okay at være sur over nogle ting som man vitterligt synes er langt ude.

Zitron påstår at store dele af den amerikanske AI-branche lyver, og at det går ud over deres kunder. Både overfor de helt umiddelbare kunder til firmaerne som køber en chatbot hos OpenAI eller Microsoft, grafikkort hos Nvidia og så videre, men også de mange almindelige mennesker der har deres investeringer bundet op i det amerikanske aktiemarked – eksempelvis via aktiefonde – der er kommet i en bobbel på grund af AI-firmaernes overvurderede aktiepriser. Zitron har også en teori – hvis man kan kalde det det – for hvorfor de lyver, og som går ud på at de tjener penge på det. Ingen af de store AI-firmaer tjener på nuværende tidspunkt penge på deres kunder, da det koster flere penge at lave alle lave alle de chatbeskeder som brugerne gerne vil have fra deres chatbots end firmaerne kan få ind via et almindeligt månedligt abonnement. Det kan i nogle tilfælde være okay for en virksomhed at miste penge på sine kunder, særligt fordi det her stadig er relativt unge firmaer i vækst, og derfor kan det give mening i en periode bruger flere penge end man tjener for at etablere sig på markedet, og så siden begynde at tjene penge, når ført man har skabt sig et godt kundegrundlag. Problemet er imidlertid at de ikke har nogen strategi for at vende det her: der er ikke rigtig nogen udsigt til at de kan vende rundt og begynde at tjene penge. Det er et problem som de ligesom skubber foran sig og som de ikke ser ud til at kunne løse. Det betyder at de store AI-firmaers primære indtægt er investeringer i firmaet, og det betyder at de bliver nød til at hele tiden at opretholde en fortælling om at det helt store gennembrud er lige rundt om hjørnet. Eksempelvis talte de allesammen om „General Artifical Intelligence“ i lang tid, og aktier i OpenAI blev solgt på løftet om at de ville være det første firma til at opnå dette obskure fænomen som gik ud på at chatbots gik fra bare at være en chatbot til på en eller anden måde at være „mere“ intelligent, og kunne andet en bare at være en chatbot. Noget der er ret meningsløst, men ikke desto mindre noget som folk har investeret milliarder i, og som flere CEO’s talte alvorligt om. Men i dag har alle droppet ideen.

Det her er kan i høj grad få lov til at ske fordi medierne ikke kan finde ud af at stille kritiske spørgsmål fordi de ikke forstår den her dynamik. Et eksempel på det er min egen far. Han er journalist, og for et stykke tid siden var han sammen med nogle andre journalister på et besøg i Silicon Valley. Han kom tilbage og erklærede at det her AI „kommer til at ændre alting“. Jeg var ikke så overbevist, og jeg synes mere at han lød som en der var blevet frelst. Han fortalte at de havde mødt „ham der har lavet Second Life“. Philip Rosedale, som han hedder, fik et hit med computerprogrammet Second Life tilbage i 00’erne, hvor man kunne „leve“ i en virtuel anden verden – praktisk talt vil et slags computerspil. Second Life er karakteristisk for den slags produkter som den her branche lever af fordi det er relativt ligegyldigt i dag. Det var på sit højeste i løbet af 00’erne, og selv om det faktisk overraskede mig at finde ud af at serverne stadig er oppe at køre den dag i dag, så kunne jeg på en hverdagsaften kun finde 10 online, så vidt jeg kunne forstå interfacet. Ham der fyret der har skabt Second Life har altså ikke skabt et firma med en vedvarende salgsucces. På trods af at jeg er rimelig antikapitalistisk indstillet, så har jeg en vis respekt for virksomheder der skaber gode arbejdspladser, ordentlige produktet og som over en årrække har glade kunder og medarbejdere – men det er ikke tilfældet her. I stedet har han skabt et spil der blev hypet i ret kort periode, og så tjent sine penge på den hype. Det skyldes at i Second Life kunne man købe ting man ejede fra udvikleren af spillet som man så kunne sælge videre i en semi-åben økonomi inde i selve spillet. På en måde var han forud for sin tid, for kosmetiske ting i computerspil er nu en enorm forretning. Mange spillere troede derfor at de købte et investeringsobjekt fordi det troede at Second Life ville blive den næste store ting. Det er ret tydeligt i dag at det ikke blev den næste store ting, men nok mennesker troede på det i tilstrækkelig lang tid til at de brugte en masse penge i deres online-shop. Læser man i dag på Philip Rosedales hjemmeside – altså ham fyren bag, hvis du havde glemt det –, så kan man se at han har prøvet at gøre sig selv kunsten efter og ramme den næste store ting, men det lykkedes ikke, og han har lavet både et nu lukket VR start-up og et ditto AI. 

Sat lidt på spidsen så tænker alle lidt som ham i dag. Alle er blevet kasino-hjernevasket, og det skyldes at de rigtig store penge de sidste mange år er tjent gennem aktiemarkedet. Den store drøm er ikke at sidde på en kontorgang med mørkebrune mahogni-paneler eller gå at hilse høfligt på sine ansatte og kunderne som Mads Skjern i Matador eller Waage Sandøs patriark Kaj Holger i Krøniken. Altså den gamle, konservative fortælling om det samfundsundstøttende forretningsliv. Nej, drømmen for moderne forretningsmænd er at sælge sine andele af et eller andet start-up på det rigtige tidspunkt, og så være ligeglad med hvordan det ellers går. Elon Musk er godt nok blevet velhavende på at sælge biler, men han er blevet verdens rigeste mand på sine aktier.

Det betyder for det første at det bliver en vinderstrategi at lyve. Du er alligevel ikke afhængig af relationer på lang sigt – for der er slet ikke noget langt sigte –, og derfor kan du lige så godt lyve. Fortælle noget bullshit om dine produkter som at din bil kan køre fuldautomatisk, at din chatbot bliver selvbevidst, at chatbotten kan fikse cancer eller hvad ved jeg. Markederne reagerer positivt på den slag, i hvert fald ind til den dag hvor de ikke gør det længere – hvor boblen springer. Men hvis man bare sælger sine aktier før det, så kan man jo være ligeglad.

2.

Hvad har det med mig at gøre? På sin vis ikke noget. Det er ikke et stort amerikansk firma som leverer den chatbot jeg skal bruge på mit arbejde fordi Trump – heldigvis for vores offentlige IT – har været en idiot, og nu tør man ikke bruge amerikanske chatbots i de dele af Staten der behandler fortrolige oplysninger. Det er dog ikke kun godt, for reelt set har man i min styrelse valgt en dobbelt-op model hvor man både betaler for Chat-GPT-abonnementer til alle og vil betale for mindre løsninger til specielle opgaver. Men samtidig har det alt med mig at gøre, for den tankegang som det er lykkedes de store amerikanske firmaer at fremavle findes også i Danmark.

Som et led i deres strategi for at skabe flere investeringer i sig selv, så har de amerikanske AI-firmaer opbygget en slags FOMO. Selv min far har slugt fortællingen om at AI kommer til at ændre det hele, og at verden står foran en kæmpe omvæltning. Den historie kommer både i en dystopisk og en utopisk version: AI kommer til at redde verden og vi kommer til at leve super luksus eller et form for Termianator-scenarie hvor AI dræber os alle sammmen. Begge dele er lige idiotiske, men fælles for dem er at de bliver næret – i hvert fald offentligt – af stort set alle de store spillere i AI-branchen. Det er en effektive reklamestrategi fordi hvis AI kommer til at forandre verden fuldstændigt afgørende, så er det rationelt at investere sine sparepenge i de firmaer der udvikler AI. Det er endda rationelt at investere mere end hvad de nøgterne modeller for fornuftig investering siger – for de kan jo ikke indregne miraklet som kunstig intelligens kommer til at bringe til verden, eksempelvis det føromtalte AGI.

Det minder på den måde meget om „Pascals væddemål“, en berømt fidus formuleret af filosoffen Blaise Pascal tilbage i det 17. århundrede. Pascals væddemål går ud på at det er det rigtige at leve som kristen, for hvis Gud ikke eksisterer alligevel, så har du bare levet lidt mere nedern end du ellers ville, ved eksempelvis kun at kunne spise fisk under fasten eller afstå fra at dyrke bøssesex – og omvendt hvis Gud så rent faktisk eksisterer, så står du til at tjene en uendelig gevinst i himmeriget. Væddemålets pointe er altså at det er rationelt for dig at opgiver ret lidt værdi ved at leve som kristen frem for ateist for at viden en uendelig høj værdi ved at komme i himlen. Analogien med AI er at det virker rationelt at opgive relativt lidt værdi – ens sparepenge som man alligevel vil investere – mod potentielt at vinde en næsten uendelig værdi når AI bliver superintelligent eller overtager verdensherredømmet eller sådannoget. Derfor giver det mening for mange at investere uforholdsmæssigt meget i AI. Det forklarer det umiddelbart paradoksale i at cheferne for AI-firmaer helt seriøst taler om at deres eget produkt – AI – måske kan udslette menneskeheden.

I det hele taget er meget omkring AI bare marketing, og det er til at kaste op over at folk ikke fatter det. Tag bare navnet „kunstig intelligens“. Så spørger man dumt: Hvad er det egentlig for en intelligens? Hvad lærer AI os om intelligens? Er AI bevidst? Og andet i den dur. Det er idiotiske spørgsmål fordi kunstig intelligens ret åbentlyst er et performativt udsagn. Man kan groft sagt inddele sætninger i deklarative og i performative. Deklarative er nogle der bekræfter et faktum, som at „den danske konge hedder Frederik“. Omvendt udtrykket performative sætninger et ønske om at tingene skal være sandt, som når Kong Frederik siger, „Gud bevare Danmark.“ Det er ikke et faktum at teknologien er intelligent, i stedet udtrykker man et ønske om at andre skal se sin chatbot som intelligent når man kalder sit produkt for „kunstig intelligens“. 

Den her fortælling om AI skaber en stress blandt ellers ordentlige mennesker. Mellemledere overalt læser det her lort på LinkedIn eller i ukritiske medier og så får de stress og søsætter i al hast et AI-produkt i deres egen virksomhed uden helt at have tænkt det igennem. Og det her er hele meningen med det, det er en bevidst marketingsstrategi. I det offentlige har det resulteret i at man skal „frigøre“ – er forfærdeligt upræcist begreb – mindst 10.000 stillinger i det offentlige, men potentielt op mod 100.000. Alle mellemledere i hele den offentlige sektor har nu travlt med at prøve at proppe AI-produkter ind over det hele, for de kan ligesom godt regne ud at de bliver tvunget til det hvis de ikke selv gør det. AI fremstår lige nu som et tilbud man ikke kan afslå. 

Et godt eksempel på hvorfor det er farligt er historien om verdens angiveligt rigeste mand, Elon Musk, og hans rolle i den amerikanske regering med sit DOGE-program. Det eksplicitte formål var at effektivisere den amerikanske stat ved at bruge kunstig intelligens, primært chatbots. Programmet truede en lang række embedsmænd i den amerikanske stat, og fyrede også mange af dem. Men nu er programmet lukket igen, og det var på overfladen ikke nogen succes. Hvis man kigger på statistik over udgifterne i den amerikanske centraladministration, så er det ikke lykkedes at bringe udgifterne ned, og noget tyder på at de omvendt er steget under præsiden Trump. Men det er i virkeligheden lykkedes ret godt, for det har haft en stor magtpolitisk konsekvens. Mange amerikanske medier har beskrevet hvordan embedsmænd har været forvirrede og frygtede for deres job. Samtidig sker der det på alle niveauer af magt i USA at rettigheder og principper bliver overtrådt. Trump og hans kumpaner bryder loven hele tiden, og de kan få lov til det fordi der ofte ikke er nogen i embedsværket der siger nej.

Det er selvfølgelig på et helt anden skala, men jeg oplever et vist stik af den samme frygt og usikkerhed. Det er selvfølgelig mit problem, men nu er det så også mig der skriver bloggen. Men samtidig er det et samfundsproblem vil jeg påstå. En af de store pointer fra den såkaldte Magtudredningen 2.0, en undersøgelse af demokratiets vilkår i Danmark, fandt at det står dårligere til end den første undersøgelse fra omkring årtusindeskiftet, og en af grundende er at embedsværket står svarer relativt til politikerne, særligt dem i regeringen. At indføre AI skubber den bevægelse endnu hurtigere i den gale retning. Det går i sidste ende ud over vores rettigheder som borgere, vi får dårligere services og et system der er mindre i stand til at værne om vores rettigheder. Vinderne er den politiske elite hvis magt bliver mindre udfordret, og så kapitalen der står til at tjene penge, og hvis magtposition relativt til arbejdstagerne bliver forbedret.

3.

Tak fordi du læste med. Det går op for mig at jeg er sprunget ud i en ny genre: den politiske analyse. Det blev dog en lidt for lang og for rodet tekst den her gang. Jeg tror det handler om at jeg tænker meget over AI, og at jeg ret åbentlyst ikke er færdig med at tænke over det. Jeg skriver en tekst om måneden, det er mit dogme, og så bliver det sku ikke lige godt hver gang vel. Men næste måned har jeg en meget klar idé om, og jeg kan godt love at det bliver ikke-kunstig intelligent!