Life is inherently dynamic, and major transitions are an unavoidable part of the human experience. Whether you are changing careers, moving to a new city, ending a long-term relationship, or entering retirement, these shifts can profoundly disrupt your sense of normalcy. While change often brings exciting new opportunities, it can also trigger a quiet crisis of identity. Many people find themselves so focused on adapting to external demands that they gradually lose touch with who they truly are. Learning how to navigate these transitions while holding onto your core identity is essential for your long-term mental health and overall well-being.

Understanding the Identity Shift During Transitions

Our sense of self is deeply intertwined with our daily roles, routines, and environments. We often define ourselves by our job titles, our relationship status, or our role within a family. When a major life event removes or drastically alters these primary identifiers, it creates a psychological void. This phenomenon is widely recognized by mental health professionals as role loss.

Without the familiar structure of your previous life, you may feel unmoored or adrift. Psychologists often refer to this transitional phase as a liminal space, which is the threshold between the old you and the new you. It is crucial to recognize that this disorientation is a natural psychological response to change, not a personal failure. Your mind is simply trying to reconcile your past self with your emerging future self. Acknowledging this shift is the vital first step toward rebuilding a strong, independent sense of identity.

Common Signs You Are Losing Yourself in Transition

Recognizing the symptoms of an identity crisis can help you address them proactively rather than ignoring the underlying discomfort.

Emotional Numbness and Detachment

When your primary source of meaning is disrupted, you may struggle to find motivation. Daily tasks might feel pointless, and you may experience a pervasive sense of aimlessness. You might catch yourself asking what the point of it all is or who you are without your previous role. This lack of direction and emotional blunting is a hallmark of identity confusion.

Abandoning Personal Values and Hobbies

During intense periods of change, people often sacrifice their personal interests to cope with new demands. You might stop engaging in hobbies that once brought you joy, neglect your physical health, or compromise your core values just to keep the peace or meet external expectations. This gradual abandonment of self is a clear warning sign that you are losing your grounding in the midst of chaos.

Proven Strategies to Stay Grounded During Change

Rediscovering and maintaining your identity requires active exploration and a willingness to prioritize yourself amidst the chaos of transition. Here are practical strategies to help you navigate this journey.

Reconnect with Your Core Values

When external roles change, your internal values remain your truest compass. Take time to identify what truly matters to you, independent of your job or relationship status. Ask yourself what principles you want to guide your life. Is it creativity, community, learning, or freedom? Writing down your top five core values can provide a stable foundation upon which to build your new identity and make aligned life choices.

Maintain Small Daily Routines

Amidst large-scale changes, small routines provide a sense of control and continuity. Whether it is drinking a cup of tea in silence every morning, taking a twenty-minute walk, or reading before bed, these micro habits anchor you. They signal to your brain that while the big picture is shifting, some fundamental parts of your life remain stable and predictable.

Practice Mindful Self-Compassion

Transitions are exhausting, and it is easy to become frustrated with yourself for not adapting quickly enough. Practicing mindful self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend. Acknowledge that grief and confusion are normal parts of the process. Give yourself permission to rest and process your emotions without harsh self-judgment.

Set Healthy Boundaries with Others

Transitions often invite unsolicited advice or pressure from friends and family. Protecting your mental health requires drawing clear lines around what you will and will not discuss. It is entirely acceptable to politely decline to engage in conversations that drain your energy or make you feel judged. Communicating these boundaries assertively is a powerful act of self-preservation.

The Role of Professional Support in Transitions

While self-reflection and new routines are valuable, navigating a profound identity shift can sometimes feel overwhelming to do alone. The weight of unresolved grief or deep-seated fears about the future may require professional guidance to untangle.

Therapy offers a structured, confidential space to explore your evolving identity without judgment. A trained professional can help you reframe negative thought patterns and develop personalized strategies for adaptation. Engaging in Individual Therapy in Ottawa can provide you with the tailored support needed to process your transition, rebuild your self-esteem, and confidently step into your next chapter.

Building Long-Term Resilience for Future Changes

As you begin to piece together your new identity, focus on building resilience. Resilience is not about avoiding hardship. It is about developing the capacity to adapt and thrive despite challenges. Cultivate a strong support network of friends, mentors, or support groups who understand what you are going through.

Maintain foundational health habits, such as regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and consistent sleep, as physical well-being directly supports emotional stability. If you find that the transition continues to feel unmanageable or isolating, consulting a trusted psychologist in Ottawa East can help you refine your coping mechanisms. Professional guidance ensures you have the right tools to navigate this complex emotional landscape and emerge stronger.

Conclusion

Major life transitions can feel like losing your footing, but they also offer a rare invitation to redefine who you are. By understanding the nature of role loss, practicing self-compassion, and actively exploring your core values, you can transform an identity crisis into a profound journey of self-discovery. Remember that your worth is not tied to a single title or role. You are multifaceted, adaptable, and capable of building a deeply meaningful life at any stage. Embrace the change, seek support when needed, and trust the process of becoming your most authentic self.

At least the early innings.

Tonight's MLB game of choice has the Boston Red Sox playing my Texas Rangers with a scheduled start time of 7:05 PM CDT. I've been sleeping well lately, so I should be able to stay awake for at least the early innings, if not the full nine. As usual I'll be following the game's scores and stats in real time via MLB's Gameday Service where we can also find links to the radio-call of the game provided by announcers of either team we choose.

And the adventure continues.

Sometimes closure is just sitting in the quiet reality of someone, seeing the distance for what it truly is in plain daylight, and realizing you've outgrown the need to bridge it.

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Inbetweeners 20- The Torment Questline, Part II- The Torment

Once the players reach the Torment, what they find is a structure larger than anything they can possibly comprehend. Orders of magnitude larger than any castle or fortress on the material plane. They appear on a platform high in the sky, attaching to the fortress. The entire structure is a windowless monolith of black iron and grey stone. There are rivers of lava but they are thousands of feet below them. I didn't give fixed dimensions, but I would say probably 1.5 km x 1.5 km is a fair estimate for what I had envisioned. This would make it approximately 4.1 times the total volume of all buildings in Manhattan... assuming 4 meters per floor and approximately 2.2 billion square feet of total building floor area (best figures I could find.)

This immediately begs the question, how would the players begin to even navigate such a structure? They could spend weeks, or even months, going cell block by cell block. And since the Torment itself is not fixed, rooms in it can move around, if the building and its administration were hostile to them, it could be impossible for them to ever find Lurian or the impaled warrior who was the source of the curse on Uzo's bow. The answer is that the building is inviting them in. The Torment feeds on the suffering of its captives, and the party represented fresh meat. Interesting fresh meat, as they were able to find a way to bypass many of the defenses and obstacles to reaching The Torment. Normally, the only way in was through prisoner processing at the bottom of the massive structure. They had somehow found there way to a platform near the top. The first thing the players encountered was a telepathic message from the Jailer.

The Jailer is, for lack of a better term, the head tormentor in the Torment. Responsible for orchestrating all forms of torture and developing novel punishments to extend and amplify the suffering of its captives. The first thing the players see in their mind is the wicked face of the Jailer. Sickly pale skin, no eyes, and a giant grin of jagged teeth and a message “You never should have come here.” The players were then overcome with fear, completely paralyzed unless they pass a wisdom saving throw. Those who did could then help snap their fellow teammates out of it. I wanted the players to realize from the beginning how big of a mistake they made coming to this place. Uzo however, do to his curse, did not have this vision from the Jailer. Instead, he had a sort of warm feeling of belonging... like he was coming home. He felt energized, his wounds healed. The bow was beckoning him forward, beckoning him to free the source of of the curse, to end his torment.

So after the jump scare vision from The Jailer, the players had to find a way through two massive black steel doors inlaid with tungsten. I no longer remember how they got through, whether it be from an incredible strength check, explosives, spells or picking the lock/disabling the mechanism. I doubt explosives, because the doors would have resisted grenades or anything they would have had access to explosives-wise. At this point they had a number of magical shenanigans up their sleeves so I'm sure it was something crafty and annoying for the DM. That or a nat 20 strength check. Once through the set of doors, they entered the first cell block. A wicked looking fiend with a distend jaw and a cudgel thrumming with red, static energy looked upon them and laughed. He opened a door to one of the cells and then vanished, teleporting away. Out of the room comes a rampaging flesh golem.

The players dispatched the flesh golem, and upon investigation discovered that it had been stitched together from the flesh and bone of many, many different creatures. Probably prisoners here. They investigated the room it came from and discovered it was on some sort of track and the room itself could move. The remainder of the cells had steel doors with only a little slit the players could look through to see what was inside. The first door they looked in showed a being bound in chains suspended from the center of the room. Think what would happen in Hellraiser after you open the puzzle box. The creature resembled a being that was suffering and whispered help me. The truth was it was a chain devil, and it had the ability to compel those who hear it to help them. If the players failed a wisdom save of 14, they would open the door and the chain devil would attack, all of the chains animating and attacking them. One of the players did fail, but the others managed to stop them from opening the door.

The next room had a small Victorian era themed child in clothing of the gentry that was...very dated. She had her back to the players and was seated on the floor playing with toys. In retrospect, this one was a little too on the nose. The players took one look in the room and basically said, “not today Satan.” This would have been Victoria (originally named Lil but I changed it later on). She was an elder vampire who was turned as a young girl so she stayed perpetually that way. She may or may not have been inspired by Claudia in Interview with a Vampire. Anyway, my plan was that she would offer to help the players if they freed her. It wouldn't be hard for them to figure out she was undead. Various checks they could make, or perception that she didn't breathe or her skin was cold. Still, she would admit to being a vampire if they questioned her and say she just wanted to escape and would do whatever she could to aid them. I gave her a +1 dagger that added 2d6 necrotic damage that heals its wielder for that much. Classic vamp weapon essentially. My thought was that if the players freed her she would play nice for a while but betray the group if it benefited her. Her only goal was to escape the Torment. Even if she didn't betray them then, she could become a thorn in their side later. However, they simply ignored her. This became an issue with many of the hazards in the Torment, and was ultimately a fault in my design. I made everything terrible so the players made it into a lighting raid type operation, get in and out as quickly as possible, skipping as much content as they could. I found a way to make this work with the plot though... which I will get into later. For now, Victoria stayed put.

The next cell had the skeleton of a fiend that had long since died, but its bones were full of gems if the players thoroughly searched through, which they did. They ultimately netted 3080 gold in gems, which at the time was good. This was before they entered a phase of the campaign where wealth was essentially unbounded. Periodically during this initial cell block I had the Jailer torment them with visions. I kept that motif throughout the dungeon so I won't mention it again unless it was a specific vision, but basically he was sort of ever-present, watching them. Once they left the initial cellblock I had them all experience a vision, a flashback to add some context. They saw a vision of prisoners being brought in to this level of the prison. There were dozens of prisoners lined up against the walls, heads pressed them. Some of them were badly beaten, in particular these red skinned monstrous humanoid soldiers. One prisoner stood out though, an angel. He he bound, hands tied behind his back and wings tied as well. Still, he managed to trip one of the guards and then destroy him with a blast of radiant energy. It takes an entire contingent of guards to subdue him, beating him mercilessly with their batons with crackling red energy. My idea behind these batons is they would bring a creature to unconsciousness without killing them so they could be tortured later. There was a sense that if the players headed east they would find where the angel was taken.

Uzo had a different vision than the remainder of the group. At this point, the bow was taking control. He saw the crusader who had been brought to the Torment. His body was shattered, broken. The Jailer stitched him back together, showing that not only was he a torturer but actually a skilled surgeon. Just as the crusader was healed—sewn back together, the Jailer picked up his body and impaled him on a spike covered with eldritch runes and suffused with dark magic. The spike had a curse such that it would heal any damage the crusader took. So the crusader was perpetually dying and being brought back by the spike, trapped in an endless cycle of suffering. It was the interminable length of this suffering that created the curse on the bow of the fiend that originally brought the crusader here, that killed him and made it such that whoever wielded the bow would be driven to end the crusader's suffering. The bow would seek stronger and stronger warriors until it could find one skilled and intrepid enough to get the job done. And that warrior was Uzo.

At this point, the characters had four cardinal directions they could travel in. South would take them back the way they came. West would take them to a cursed staircase. East would eventually take them to the cell block where Lurian was held. North would eventually lead to the jailer, the final boss of the dungeon. Of course, the players skipped the east and west paths, instead inadvertently speed running a dungeon that I thought would take several sessions and heading straight to the showdown. I'll first summarize what they would have encountered had they fully explored and then what they actually did. I will say I've misplaced the original map I had sketched out by hand for this dungeon and instead only have notes with room descriptions for what was in each room, so I may very well be butchering the layout. However, the rough ideas should be intact.

First to the west. I decided for my own sanity to keep this dungeon relegated to a single floor. However, I wanted to show there were hundreds... or thousands of floors to this prison. I entered a few different elements to convey this idea, and one was the staircase to the west. It was a spiral staircase that appears to go down until it is so far down the remainder is obscured by shadow. I'll admit, I'm a sucker for an infinite staircase. If the players start to go down it, they become trapped in an endless cycle. They need to make a wisdom or intelligence save to escape. Each time they fail they get a point of exhaustion and take psychic damage. The staircase is a trap designed by the Jailer to drain the players of resources. Much of how things were arranged was designed to deplete the players so by the time they reached the Jailer they were ripe for the picking. Low on hit points, spells, and consumable items, they would have no hope of defeating him and would be subjected to torture beyond their comprehension. Of course my players blew this plan up by skipping this staircase... and most things designed to deplete them. So the staircase was never encountered and I recycled it for a future dungeon, Vecna's Fortress (or castle? manor? can't remember. Vecna's Crib)

Next up, east. The first room the players encountered, and I do believe they made it to this one, was the mirror room. This large room was empty except for a massive mirror in the center. Upon first entering, the doors to the room disappear. The first player to look in the mirror has to name their greatest fear. That fear is made manifest and the players cannot leave until the fear is defeated. However, I believe if they destroyed the mirror, use true seeing or some other spell to defeat the illusion, or use some other shenanigans they can negate the challenge. Once the illusion is pierced, the mirror shatters and the doors of the room reappear. I intentionally left this room relatively open ended and figured I'd improve it based on what the characters decided. For example, if a character's greatest fear is drowning, the chamber would immediately begin filling with water. If it was spiders, I'd pull a stat block for a particularly nasty giant spider. It also served as a way to throttle the players if they are doing too well or if they are really struggling in the dungeon it could be omitted entirely. Considering I don't remember much about this room, my players must have found a way to disable the hazard pretty seemlessly.

Further east was the cellblock Lurian was currently imprisoned in. I envisioned an intense melee, Brawl on Cellblock 99 style, but the players never took this path. I probably should have locked the north path until they went on this one. There was a corridor with three accessible rooms to the players. The corridor itself had two mezzoloths patrolling that will immediately become hostile to intruders. Essentially the players are being corralled towards the Jailer, and are not supposed to go to this block, so when they do the guards are alerted and attempt to subdue them. Ironically, my players actually did as the Jailer intended and headed straight to him, while as the DM I wanted them to have this fight and free Lurian first. They would have been substantially depleted after this fight, but they would have had Lurian as an ally (alive but depleted himself). The biggest threat was the guard barracks/break room attached to this corridor. There, two nycaloths and three mezzoloths were on standby and would join the brawl. So in total the players would be facing off against 5 CR 5 creatures and 2 CR 9 creatures, which at their level would be a lot to handle. I reserved the possibility that the players would use stealth or find a way to neutralize the two initial guards quickly enough where the others would not have been alerted. Still, the remaining guards would probably have been alerted as soon as Lurian was freed. If the players investigated the guard barracks/breakroom they would have found 3 torment cudgels, which were +1 maces that dealt 1d6 psychic damage. Any good aligned creature that attempted to wield one would immediately grow nauseous. Probably not good enough weapons for any of the players to have used themselves but certainly valuable enough to trade. More importantly, there was the “drink cooler” for the guards. A large vat of red liquid, presumably some sort of puree of flesh, each drink would heal a player for 2d6 hitpoints. With 12 drinks in the cooler, the total healing potential was between 24 and 144 hitpoints, which would be much needed after the cellblock fight.

The cell adjacent to the guard barracks featured a chasme, which is a horse-sized insect demon, torturing the red skinned humanoids the players saw previously in their vision. The chasme is so immersed in the task of flaying the prisoners it doesn't even notice the ensuing battle outside the cell. There are five of the large, red skinned humanoids in total, and they are suspened on x shaped torture racks. Three have already been fully flayed and are dead, one is mid-flay with the chasme peeling away his skin with glee while the last one is terrified, awaiting his turn. If the players rescued these two characters, the flayed one would be too weak to help unless healed, but the other one was full health and ready to help the players if it meant escaping. They would use an ogre statblock with immunity to fire. My thought was they were mercenaries that fought for a devil lord who lost on the battlefield. The demons that defeated him took them prisoner and sent them to the Torment as a message to any future mercenary groups that sought to serve the devils. The ogre, along with the healing and Lurian would make up for the losses and resource depletion the players experienced during the fight with the guards.

The final accessible cell in the hallway was Lurian's cell. It is locked and could be opened with a key looted from one of the guards or the door could be bashed down or picked. It would have been tricky, not impossible, for the players to get in without the guards noticing. Once inside, the players witness what Lurian has endured during his years in the torment. The goal wasn't just pain, but humiliation. Lurian's wings have been removed and nailed to a wall, and his glorious angelic body has been forced into a cage that is far too small. the cage is covered in metal barbs and heated, such that any motion would tear into his flesh and cause intense pain. Golden blood trickled down from the dozens of tears in his skin from the barbs of the cage. The cage is suspended from the ceiling and oriented such that Lurian is forced to look upon a magical mirror. The mirror shows images of the heavens burning and angel kind slaughtered and overwhelmed by fiends. The players can immediately try to break Lurian out of the cage if they haven't looted a key from the guards, but will take 1d8 fire damage in doing so due to the intense heat. I took inspiration for the cage from antiquity, in particular a gibbet, which was a gallows-like post or an iron cage used to display the bodies of executed criminals in public. However, since angels are far stronger and more resilient than humans, I had the cage perpetually heated.

After an interminable period of torture, Lurian assumed this was some sort of illusion or trap. The Jailer loved to give prisoners false hope, staging fake rescues only to bring them to another chamber for more torture. However, if the players mentioned Elythos he would realize this was the real thing and snap to. Lurian in his current state would only have 70 out of 200 hitpoints and be unable to fly. Also, he currently lacks a weapon but the players could give him one. Even in this diminished form, a planetar is an incredibly potent ally for players at their level. I also gave them a bit of a strategic resource choice with Lurian. He has healing ability, able to heal 30 hitpoints at a time and 4 times total per day. He could use this to heal the players, or to almost fully heal himself. So they would have to weigh the pros and cons of having Lurian at full strength vs additional healing for themselves if their own healing resources (potions, spells, etc) were running low. However, this was all a moot point since the players did not take this path.

There was another path with a couple rooms that I can't remember exactly where it was placed, so I'll just mention it here. Players walk into a large chamber filled with skeletons and corpses on the floor in various states of decay. Some are freshly dead and some have been there a long time. As soon as anyone sentient enters the room, enchanted music boxes attached to the ceiling immediately begin to play music, casting Otto's Irresistible Dance on anyone living in the room. At the same time, poison gas starts to fill the room that deals 1d6 necrotic and 1d6 acid damage per turn. This does have a lot in common with the masquerade room the players encountered in the Lady of Pain Branch, with the additional hazard of a poison gas adding a sense of urgency. This is another room that encourages player creativity. They could destroy the musical devices in the ceiling to end the song, cast whirlwind to blow the poison gas away, or just struggle through and have the players that pass their wisdom saves carry the players who don't. Even wax in the ear, Odysseus style would work. This room attached to a fake treasure room, basically what I originally had planned as the 7th area before the players reached the Torment. Treasure everywhere, but its all illusory and instead becomes a giant version of a mimic with driders waiting in the background to strike any players who try to collect the treasure. However, the players skipped both of these rooms so not much else to mention here.

The north path, the path the players ended up bee lining for, took them to the final boss of the dungeon. First there is a long catwalk that reveals the scale of the Torment. They can see up and down hundreds of stories... it stretches further than their field of vision. Mobile prison cells move about the chasm along with fiendish guards flying up and down. They all seem to pay the players no mind. The catwalk leaders to an observation room.

The observation room has a nameless NPC I only referred to as “The Operator.” I used the cenobytes from Hellraiser as inspiration for his aesthetic. Sickly pale skin, leather aprons/apparel made from the flesh of former prisoners. He is not a combat encounter, more an exposition device. I left this interaction open to how much the players wanted to engage. Ultimately my players wanted to engage very little, they were just trying to get the hell out of the Torment as quickly as possible so I think they just killed him. However, if they had chosen to spoke with him, he would gleefully explain the operations of the Torment, the different forms of torture and fear deployed. The observation room had a large glass box in the center. Here, different prison cells could be called up and they would levitate from their current spot to the observation room. There was stadium seating and walls and tables filled with torture implements, and everything had a sanitized appearance to it. I was going for a twisted version of a surgical observation room, so not like dark, gory, messy medieval torture room aesthetic but rather something more clinical. The Operator would be willing to bring up prisoners for a “demonstration.” Which could potentially lead to a combat encounter if the prisoner got loose. The Operator also referenced the Jailer and how excited the Jailer was to meet them.

What The Operator would be unwilling to do is call up Lurian's cell. Lurian is a prize for the Torment, it is exceedingly rare they get a celestial, much less a high level angel in their prison so they weren't about to risk losing him. Unless of course, Lurian was already with the group, in which case he himself would probably kill the Operator if not stopped by the players. They could potentially have summoned Victoria's cell or otherwise some random fiend. There was a large, complex console in the center of the room that was responsible for calling forth different prison cells. The Operator knows how to operate it... obviously, so if the players could somehow compel him they would have been able to get Lurian. They also could have summoned up the impaled crusader, another one the Operator wouldn't have done willingly. Threatening the operator or inflicting pain would not motivate him to help, if anything he'd enjoy that. However, mind control or outsmarting him would be possible options. If instead the players killed the Operator, they could try to operate the console themselves. The tech all seems alien, it is ancient yet advanced so the players would need to make a pretty high check (Int 21 or Arcana 25) to figure it out. There were a lot of possibilities but I figured the most likely outcome would be the barbarian would just smash it. Either way, the players could spend as little or as much time here as they wanted before proceeding to the Jailer and the climax of the Torment.

This post is running a little long so I'll do a third one to wrap up the Torment plot, focusing on the Jailer, resolution and then the Warden fight.

Schimbul de noapte

Marți, 19 iulie 2011

De curând mi s-a sugerat să încep să scriu proză scurtă. Și asta pentru că mă întinsesem prea mult în a-mi spune păsul într-o anumită problemă. Dându-mi seama că spațiul respectiv nu era potrivit (ca dimensiune) pentru romane — nici măcar pentru proză scurtă — am concluzionat rapid ceea ce aveam de spus, urmând apoi să primesc sugestia menționată. Probabil că respectiva persoană a fost bine intenționată, dar chiar și acest gen literar presupune o anumită înclinație către literatură, o anumită tehnică, un anumit stil și, nu în cele din urmă, se presupune că trebuie să ai ceva de spus.

Ei bine, nu sunt sigur că vreau să mă ocup de proză scurtă (cel puțin din motivele de mai sus), dar acum nu am somn. Sunt în concediu, dar de peste opt ani lucrez în ture, sau schimburi, cum le numesc unii. Turele noastre au o succesiune bine stabilită. Există chiar și un coleg care, de fiecare dată când unul dintre noi este în concediu, în delegație sau are o anumită problemă care îl ține departe de serviciu, îi preia tura. Când cel plecat se întoarce, revine în tura sa, urmând să efectueze în continuare același ciclu de ture.

Așa cum spuneam, sunt în concediu și acum, dacă aș fi fost la serviciu, aș fi fost în tura de noapte. Cum organismul meu a „simțit” și s-a adaptat ritmului turei mele, acesta își continuă mersul, nestingherit de faptul că, la sfârșitul anului trecut, conform politicii firmei la care lucrez, mi-am programat o parte din concediul de odihnă din acest an la sfârșitul lunii iunie…

În urmă cu ceva timp mă aflam într-o situație similară (numai că nu eram în concediu) și, pentru că m-am gândit la insomnie, am apelat la internet, cea mai rapidă sursă de informații pentru a mă documenta despre acest subiect. Am spus „cea mai rapidă sursă”, nu cea mai veridică. Din legătură în legătură (ar trebui să folosesc termenul link) am ajuns la termenul englezesc pentru ceea ce cred că pățesc eu acum și anume „shift work sleep disorder” (SWSD), adică dereglări ale somnului (sau insomnii) cauzate de lucrul în ture. Această dereglare nu a fost îndeajuns studiată nici măcar în State, acolo unde se efectuează tot felul de experimente, studii și cercetări. Analizele s-au concentrat pe cei ce lucrează câte patru sau cinci nopți consecutiv. Dintre concluziile studiilor am reținut faptul că cei ce lucrează în schimburi pot deveni irascibili (nu încercați să mă verificați). Existau și câteva propuneri de remediere a acestei dereglări sau a acestui tip particular de insomnie, dar acestea nu sunt soluții practice, astfel că nici măcar nu le voi menționa.

Unul dintre colegii mei, cu vechime mult mai mare decât a mea, a precizat că un dezavantaj al lucrului în ture este socializarea, mai exact ruperea relațiilor cu prietenii datorită faptului că sfârșiturile de săptămână sau după-amiezile, când există posibilitatea întâlnirilor cu aceștia, sunt ocupate de ture…

Un alt coleg mi-a spus că și-a pierdut răbdarea de a mai citi așa cum o făcea înainte de a lucra în ture. Mi-a confirmat că nu sunt singurul.

Lucrul în ture într-un sistem cu un regim „semi-militarizat”, cum este numit de unii sistemul din care face parte și firma la care lucrez, un sistem cu o ierarhie bine pusă la punct și în care dispozițiile se execută imediat ce au fost primite, după care se confirmă efectuarea lor, mi-a schimbat oarecum și viața particulară. Astfel, dacă îmi spui că mâine ne vom întâlni sau mă vei suna la o anumită oră, iar după două-trei minute nu ai apărut sau nu ai sunat, atunci încep să-mi pierd răbdarea… Prea multă disciplină nu e bună. Poate doar în armată…

Nu vreau să se înțeleagă că nu îmi place să lucrez în ture! Pentru mine, acest regim constituie un avantaj, pentru că încă din adolescență preferam să mă culc mai târziu decât cei de vârsta mea. De fapt, nu aș numi-o preferință. Pur și simplu adormeam mai târziu. Cu timpul, această oră de somn a început să devină obișnuință pentru organismul meu, astfel încât acum singurele ture care mă deranjează sunt cele de dimineață. Asta pentru că doar două zile din zece trebuie să mă trezesc devreme, în situația în care în celelalte opt mă trezesc fără alarmă de la ceas. Mai mult, în alte două dimineți, când lumea pleacă la serviciu, eu ajung acasă și, tacticos, îmi iau pijamaua și mă culc! Dorm exact opt ore, cât a durat tura de noapte. Cum după opt ore de somn urmează șaisprezece ore care să completeze „ziua” de douăzeci și patru de ore, faceți un calcul să vedeți cam când ar trebui să mă culc din nou! După două astfel de zile, bioritmul este complet dereglat și lucrătorul în ture încearcă să revină cu el la „normal”. Mult succes! i-aș spune, dar după ce se va chinui vreo câteva zile va trebui să o ia de la început, așa că mai bine nu mai reglează nimic! Acesta este și motivul pentru care eu niciodată nu am încercat să mă forțez să adorm atunci când nu îmi este somn (deși pentru cel ce nu lucrează în ture ar fi ora obișnuită de somn).

Deoarece nu am analizat și nici nu voi analiza modul în care colegii suportă lucrul în ture, nu pot spune decât că unul dintre „somniferele” mele este internetul. Dacă vă ajută în vreun fel această informație, nu pot decât să mă bucur! Și pentru că am folosit această modalitate de exprimare, „nu pot decât să mă bucur”, vreau să precizez că unii au fost deranjați când am folosit-o, dar vă asigur că este utilizată ca atare, fără nicio intenție de a leza sentimentele cuiva!

Și, ca să închei, voi aminti ceea ce a spus un fost coleg de facultate care a ocupat o funcție similară în tură și care a renunțat după doar câțiva ani (circa cinci ani): m-am gândit înainte de toate la sănătatea mea!

Shangri-La. Crucea de sub Antarctica

Publicat la 19 iulie 2011

De mult timp nu a reușit un roman să mă captiveze așa cum a reușit „Shangri-La. Crucea de sub Antarctica”.

Autorul exploatează o breșă în informațiile privind sfârșitul celui de-al Doilea Război Mondial (sau păstrarea unora dintre acestea cu eticheta „top secret”), explicând unele evenimente ale istoriei contemporane privite dintr-o altă perspectivă: nu pășim pe apă nu pentru că știm că ne vom scufunda, ci pentru că așa am fost învățați!

El reușește să asambleze și să dezvăluie un puzzle năucitor despre personajele ce par a conduce destinele acestei planete, membri ai organizației Ultima Thule.

Pentru că acțiunea se desfășoară uneori contra cronometru (unuia dintre protagoniști sugerându-i-se, la un moment dat, să-și schimbe ceasul elvețian pentru că îi rămânea în urmă) și pentru că o parte dintre personaje sunt foști participanți la unele evenimente mai puțin cunoscute de la sfârșitul ultimei mari conflagrații mondiale, Julio Murillo ne poartă din Germania în Statele Unite, din Franța în Spania și din Marea Britanie în Antarctica.

Acesta reușește să țină cititorul cu sufletul la gură, iar, când lucrurile par să se îndrepte pe un făgaș normal, o nouă răsturnare de situație necesită noi dezvăluiri, noi informații pentru completarea puzzle-ului, care devine din ce în ce mai complicat, dar totuși mai bine conturat.

Să fie oare omenirea în drum spre un nou război mondial, unul pentru resursele de energie sau pur și simplu unul pentru apă?

Finalul pare fericit… dar Murillo nu este un regizor hollywoodian, ci laureat al Premiului pentru Roman Istoric Alfonso al X-lea!

There’s a part of me that wants to LIVE…

and there’s a part of me that’s tired enough to die.

There’s a part of me screaming, “GROW!”

And another part whispering, “Sit down. You’ve done enough.”

One part of me is sick and tired of standing still.

It wants to stretch.

To change.

To drive my roots DEEP into the soil and reach for the ONE TRUE VINE.

Jesus Christ.

Because apart from Him, I can do nothing.

But then there’s that other part of me.

The loner.

The introvert.

The man who can recharge his batteries alone—with nature, a beach, a quiet library, and a stack of books.

Sometimes I want CONNECTION.

Sometimes I want a LOCKED DOOR.

And maybe you understand that.

Because there’s something inside all of us that cries, “I NEED PEOPLE!”

And five minutes later says, “Everybody leave me alone!”

There’s a part that wants to climb the mountain…

and another part that sits down halfway up and says:

“Enough. I’ve had enough.”

But wherever you are today—

connecting or isolating…

climbing or resting…

laughing or crying…

growing or barely hanging on—

remember this:

WE’RE ALL GOING HOME.

And for those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, I don’t believe Heaven has gated denominational communities.

No Pentecostal subdivision.

No Baptist boulevard.

No Catholic cul-de-sac.

Just redeemed people standing before the Lamb.

And if your name is written there…

I’LL SEE YOU HOME.

But until then, we have some living to do.

So where are you TODAY?

Are you hiding?

Are you reaching?

Are you resting?

Are you running?

Are you connected to the Vine—or trying to survive on yesterday’s strength?

And here comes the question we don’t like asking:

WHAT IS REALLY HOLDING ME BACK?

We blame the devil.

We blame people.

We blame our family.

We blame what somebody did to us twenty years ago.

And make no mistake—some wounds are real.

Some trauma is real.

Some scars run DEEP.

But your scars do not get to become your master.

Your past does not get to become your prison.

And Satan does not get the final word over a child of God.

Sometimes the greatest battle isn’t around us.

It’s WITHIN us.

The part that wants to rise…

against the part that wants to quit.

The part that believes…

against the part that is afraid.

The part reaching for tomorrow…

against the part still chained to yesterday.

And eventually I have to stop asking:

“Lord, why won’t You change everything around me?”

And start praying:

“LORD, CHANGE SOMETHING IN ME.”

Help me get out of my own way.

Help me forgive.

Help me heal.

Help me connect.

Help me rest when I need rest—and RISE when You tell me to rise.

Help me sink my roots so deep into Jesus Christ that the storms of this life can shake my branches…

BUT THEY CANNOT PULL UP MY ROOTS.

Lord…

HELP US

TO HELP US.

In Jesus’ name.

Amen.

Van Voorbijgaande Aards Woord lab

Woorden voor testen in de vestiging voor experimentele setting op levende lezende proefpersonen

Afstootgevend Secondelijks Formaterialisme Afdrukwekkend Ongezond (2) – dagen en dagen aan een stuk zonder zonlicht Onberijkbaar Vernuen (het verleden live actualiseren, alsof het zich voor je ogen en oren afspeelt) Gevolgers (direct of indirect zichtbare effecten op vers gepost stukjes) Biografisch geheugen (voor die personen wiens geheugen compleet is ingevuld door een andere vertelstem) Gebeurtewis (voor alle gebeurtenissen die door andere wel belangrijke gebeurtenissen de moeite van het onthouden niet waard zijn) Memoratio (de hoeveelheid stukjes van een ervaren tijdelijk evenement die worden onthouden ten opzichte van de vergeten rest) Auotmatische Piloot (2) (mensen die na ontwaken meteen opvliegen) Remedia (zichzelf vrijwillig herhalende berichten verzenders) Doorstop (aanhouden met er niet aan beginnen) Subtileren

Nieuwe uitdrukkingen en gezegden voor het verheffen van het volk

Van af- en instellen komt vastzitten Zoals het klokje thuis tikt tikt het overal elders ook Kauw veilig De stemming is vet gedrukt De zaak loopt in het miljard Ik ben totaal naar de eierstokken Dit kan zo niet korter! Het licht zwaar op de maag Ik kom er niet ondertussen

I just finished a Taro reading with a friend. I always feel settled and “good” in my body when I am first recognised as a reader/guide or “seer” even (though more accurately referred to as a “feeler”) and then secondly, when I am simply invited to come along someone on their journey inward, to be let in and trusted with raw material.

I have leaned so much into my intuition that I can’t even question it anymore. Goosebumps all day, every day. The woo is a wooooey/lovely feeling, but I remember when I still wasn’t able to trust it. These days, I don’t need anyone to validate anything anymore. I don’t need solid answers, I just know. Yes, no, or maybe (which still means a no).

It’s funny and strange to look back and see the way I came from, and where I am now. I came from a place of many fears. Many Catholic sort of fears too. Dark. Haunted. Things. I was born into Catholicism and “left” The Church after university. I don’t follow any Catholic ritual or prayer, but I do revere and honor the mother of mothers, Mother Mary. I’m also not saying that I have absolutely no fears anymore. They come and visit, but it’s easier for me to recognize them when they are here, and that I know that I don’t want them staying ‘round for tea. Maybe a greeting and then a brief exchange about the weather, but that’s about it. I recognize them well enough, but I don’t want to hear too much from them. My fears are, after all formless feelings. They do not appear as they used to do in my Catholic brain, or how they are portrayed in scary films or media, in very ghastly and mangled/disfigured ways. They are just formless, heavier feelings.

The energies that doubt/or do not accept Truth, the answer, the culmination or conclusion of something—are unwilling or not ready to hear them yet. That’s all. There is no right or wrong way, in this game that is life. Things simply are. This is that feeling. No need to push back, or push away. Meet the wave as it comes, if it comes. Meet the moment, whatever is in that moment. However that moment is unraveling. Wherever you are, you are home.

#writing #daily

„The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.“

Carl Rogers formuliert diesen Satz in On Becoming a Person. Das gute Leben ist für ihn kein Zustand, den wir eines Tages erreichen und anschliessend besitzen. Es ist ein Prozess des Werdens, geprägt von wachsender Offenheit für die eigene Erfahrung und zunehmendem Vertrauen in die eigene Wahrnehmung [1]. Der Psychologe Stephen Joseph fasst diesen Gedanken treffend so zusammen: Entscheidend ist nicht, das Glück als späteren Zustand anzustreben, sondern die Art, wie wir uns zu unserem Leben verhalten [2].

Damit beantwortet Rogers in psychologischer Sprache eine Frage, die sehr viel älter ist: Was heisst es, gut zu leben? Aristoteles und #Epikur kommen zu anderen Antworten als Rogers. Dennoch verbindet sie etwas Wesentliches. Das gute Leben muss gelebt werden. Der entscheidende Unterschied liegt weniger im Prozess selbst als darin, wer oder was diesem Prozess seine Richtung gibt. Diese Frage ist nicht nur philosophiegeschichtlich interessant. Sie stellt sich bis heute überall dort, wo Menschen über persönliche Entwicklung nachdenken oder andere dabei begleiten.

Das gute Leben muss gelebt werden

Bei Aristoteles heisst das Ziel menschlichen Lebens Eudaimonia. Die verbreitete Übersetzung mit #Glück kann in die Irre führen, weil sie leicht an einen angenehmen inneren Zustand denken lässt. Eudaimonie bezeichnet vielmehr ein gelingendes Leben als Ganzes. Aristoteles verbindet sie mit vernünftiger Tätigkeit gemäss der Tugend und betrachtet sie über die Dauer eines Lebens hinweg [3].

Damit liegt das Ziel nicht einfach am Ende eines Weges. Eudaimonie verwirklicht sich im Tätigsein selbst. Ein gutes Leben besteht nicht darin, einmal einen bestimmten Zustand erreicht zu haben, sondern darin, gut zu leben.

Epikur setzt einen anderen Akzent. Bei ihm steht mit ataraxia, der Freiheit von seelischer Unruhe, ein Ideal im Zentrum, das zunächst stärker nach einem erreichbaren Zustand klingt. Doch auch Ataraxie lässt sich nicht von der Lebensweise trennen, aus der sie hervorgeht.

Das zeigt sich besonders deutlich an Epikurs Lehre von den Wünschen. Manche sind natürlich und notwendig, andere zwar natürlich, aber nicht notwendig, wieder andere leer oder unbegründet. Philosophische Lebensführung besteht deshalb nicht darin, möglichst viele Wünsche zu erfüllen. Sie verlangt vielmehr, Wünsche zu prüfen und unterscheiden zu lernen [4]. Wer nach Reichtum, Ansehen oder immer neuen Bedürfnissen verlangt, vermehrt unter Umständen gerade jene Unruhe, von der er sich befreien möchte. Freundschaft wiederum besitzt bei Epikur einen ausserordentlich hohen Stellenwert. Sein Ideal ist kein einsamer Rückzug von der Welt [5].

Aristoteles und Epikur vertreten sehr unterschiedliche Vorstellungen des guten Lebens. Gemeinsam ist ihnen aber, dass sie nicht nur fragen, wie ein Mensch sich entwickeln kann. Sie verfügen auch über inhaltliche Massstäbe dafür, wie er leben sollte.

Pierre Hadot hat diesen Charakter antiker Philosophie mit dem Begriff der Lebensform beschrieben. Philosophie sollte ihre Schüler nicht bloss informieren, sondern formen. Lehre und Lebenspraxis gehörten zusammen [6].

Hier trennt sich Rogers von seinen antiken Gesprächspartnern.

Wer bestimmt die Richtung?

Rogers gibt keine vergleichbare Lehre darüber vor, welche Wünsche richtig sind oder welche Tugenden ein gelungenes Leben ausmachen. Seine Aufmerksamkeit richtet sich stärker darauf, unter welchen Bedingungen Menschen ihre eigene Entwicklungsrichtung erkennen können.

Dafür verwendet er Begriffe wie psychologische Freiheit, Offenheit gegenüber Erfahrung und Vertrauen in den eigenen Organismus. Wer weniger damit beschäftigt ist, Erfahrungen abzuwehren oder einem von aussen übernommenen Selbstbild zu entsprechen, kann mehr Informationen aus dem eigenen Erleben berücksichtigen. Rogers hielt diesen inneren Prozess keineswegs für unfehlbar. Gerade weil Menschen offen für die Folgen ihres Handelns bleiben, können sie ihre Entscheidungen korrigieren [1].

Diese Bewegung lässt sich aus heutiger Sicht als eine Form von Autonomie beschreiben. Der Begriff ist hier eine Zuspitzung, nicht Rogers’ eigener Oberbegriff. Gemeint ist auch keine Freiheit nach dem Muster „Alles, was ich selbst gewählt habe, ist richtig“. Rogers nimmt vielmehr an, dass Menschen unter Bedingungen grösserer psychologischer Freiheit dazu neigen, konstruktivere und stärker mit ihrer Erfahrung übereinstimmende Entscheidungen zu treffen.

Darin liegt die interessante Verschiebung gegenüber Aristoteles und Epikur. Nicht der Gedanke, dass das gute Leben ein Prozess oder eine Praxis ist, unterscheidet Rogers grundsätzlich von ihnen. Neu gewichtet wird vielmehr die Frage, woher die Richtung kommt.

Aristoteles verweist auf Vernunft und Tugend. Epikur prüft Wünsche daran, ob sie tatsächlich zu einem ungestörten Leben beitragen. Rogers vertraut stärker darauf, dass ein Mensch, der sich von fremden Bewertungsmassstäben löst und seine Erfahrung unverzerrter wahrnimmt, seine Richtung zunehmend selbst bestimmen kann.

Zwischen Orientierung und Autonomie

Für Coaching und persönliche Entwicklung ist diese Differenz mehr als eine theoretische Feinheit. Entwicklungsprozesse beginnen häufig mit Zielen: Was soll sich verändern? Was soll erreicht werden? Woran lässt sich Fortschritt erkennen?

Rogers legt nahe, davor eine andere Frage zu stellen: Ist dieses Ziel überhaupt das eigene?

Ein Ziel kann vernünftig formuliert, messbar und erreichbar sein und trotzdem hauptsächlich aus Erwartungen anderer stammen. Begleitung besteht dann nicht nur darin, einen Menschen möglichst effizient zu einem bereits bestimmten Ziel zu führen. Auch die Richtung selbst muss Gegenstand des Prozesses sein.

Hier berührt sich Rogers erneut mit Hadots Vorstellung von Philosophie als Lebenspraxis, ohne dass beides gleichgesetzt werden sollte. Gemeinsam ist ihnen der Gedanke, dass Einsicht allein wenig verändert. Ob eine Vorstellung vom guten Leben trägt, zeigt sich erst darin, wie jemand wahrnimmt, entscheidet und handelt. Auch gute Begleitung muss sich letztlich an dieser gelebten Praxis bewähren.

Aristoteles und Epikur setzen Rogers zugleich ein notwendiges Korrektiv entgegen. Autonomie allein liefert noch keinen Massstab für ein gutes Leben. Menschen können sich täuschen, widersprüchliche Wünsche verfolgen oder sich selbst und anderen schaden. Umgekehrt wird eine Lehre vom guten Leben problematisch, wenn sie die Richtung vollständig vorgibt und für die eigene Erfahrung kaum Raum lässt.

Zwischen beiden Polen bleibt eine Spannung, die sich nicht einfach auflösen lässt. Eine Vorstellung vom guten Leben braucht Orientierung, ohne den Menschen auf einen vorgegebenen Lebensentwurf festzulegen. Rogers verschiebt das Gewicht stärker zur eigenen Erfahrung, Aristoteles und Epikur stärker zu begründbaren Vorstellungen davon, was ein gutes Leben ausmacht.

Vielleicht ist deshalb nicht nur wichtig, welche #Ziele wir verfolgen, sondern auch, wie wir zu der Richtung gekommen sind, in die wir gehen. Ganz ankommen werden wir dabei nicht. Rogers würde vermutlich sagen: Das ist kein Mangel des guten Lebens, sondern eine seiner Bedingungen.

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💬 Kommentieren (nur für write.as-Accounts)

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Quellen

[1] C. R. Rogers, On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston, MA, USA: Houghton Mifflin, 1961, insbesondere „The Good Life and the Fully Functioning Person“. Frei verfügbar: https://www.panarchy.org/rogers/person.html

[2] S. Joseph, „Do You Seek Happiness as a Direction or a Destination?“, Psychology Today, 7. Feb. 2024. Frei verfügbar: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-doesnt-kill-us/202402/do-you-seek-happiness-as-a-direction-or-a-destination/amp

[3] L. Evans, „Aristotle’s Guide To Living Well“, Philosophy Now, Nr. 151, 2022. Frei verfügbar: https://philosophynow.org/issues/151/AristotlesGuideToLivingWell

[4] „Ancient Ethical Theory“, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, zuletzt substanziell überarbeitet am 5. Feb. 2021. Frei verfügbar: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/ethics-ancient/

[5] D. Konstan, „Epicurus“, Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, zuletzt substanziell überarbeitet am 8. Juli 2022. Frei verfügbar: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/epicurus/

[6] M. Sharpe, „Pierre Hadot“, Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Frei verfügbar: https://iep.utm.edu/hadot/

Bildquelle Suzanne Valadon (1865–1938): Bol de fruits, Musée de Montmartre, Paris, Public Domain (Wikimedia Commons).

Disclaimer Teile dieses Texts wurden mit Deepl Write (Korrektorat und Lektorat) überarbeitet. Für die Recherche in den erwähnten Werken/Quellen und in meinen Notizen wurde Gemini Notebook (ehem. NotebookLM) von Google verwendet.

Topic #Selbstbetrachtungen | #Philosophie

In December 2025 I sat down with Gus of The Classic Adventure Gaming Podcast to discuss our ongoing campaign Conquering the Barbarian Altanis. I was joined by four players: JP, never_plays_elves, SleazyB, and Dreadlord. We have been playing weekly since March 2022, and at the time of recording we were around 150 sessions in.

Over the years I have shared some of our experience (see Resources at the end of the post), but this was the first time I did so on a podcast. It was a lot of fun, especially since Gus was such a great host. The “panel” format with players, I think, worked well.

Since the episode is nearly two hours long, I will attempt to summarise the key points. In essence, we focus on what has and hasn't worked for us to establish, and maintain, a long running open-table sandbox campaign. The discussion is mostly centred on various techniques, strategies, mindset, and community dynamics that, we believe, contribute to the longevity of our campaign.

Some of the principles we discuss are:

• Consistent scheduling. The major enemy of working adults. We do fixed weekly slot (Mondays, 3 hours), I am always present. This builds habit, reliability, and player trust; players plan around the game.
• Open table. Multiple characters per player, anyone can join or leave. Builds resilience, accommodates real-life constraints, filters for committed players.
• A living, evolving world. I maintain strict time records, and session reports; the world evolves without players, it shapes them and is shaped by them. This creates a persistent world, makes catch-up possible, and allows for emergent situations that are not divorced from the in-game reality.
• Consequences and stakes. Characters have ultimate agency to do as they please, but freedom to act is not freedom from consequences. Lethality must be fair, and treasure must be plentiful. This helps create real stakes, rewards skill, and balances danger with opportunity.
• Minimal prep. Wilderlands setting inspires me; I use random tables, and develop elements (characters, sites, etc.) iteratively. This reduces prep burden, allows flexibility, and leads to surprising and memorable situations.
• Rules as a robust framework. I continuously study OD&D, AD&D and other old-school sources to develop deep understanding of the rules. This provides a consistent, fair, and robust framework that handles any situation.
• Community. I set clear expectations, and we do our best to maintain consistent tone, and friendly atmosphere. This creates an environment where invested players self-select. We are responsible for our shared experience and enjoyment.

We discuss a whole lot more. We did our best to share practical and actionable insight. You let us know how we did. :)

You can listen to the episode on Anchor, Spotify, Apple Play, or using the player below:

Regarding the resources I mentioned above, previously I had shared our experience in the following blog posts and essays:

• 21 Lessons learned after running 100 sessions (blog post)
• On Character Death and Long-Term Play (blog post)
• 21 Lessons Learned After 100 Sessions (essay in Fight On! #16)
• 7 Contrarian Practices for Running Online Games (essay in Fight On! #17)

We hope you find our experience helpful and inspiring to start, or improve, a sandbox game of your own. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Fight on!

#Resource #Podcast #Reflection

I finished half of J’s Birthday present. She said that she wanted cute things or something like a candle, and so I have been learning how to sew and got all the materials to create a stuffed animal of her cats. I finished the first one and I’m really proud of myself because it took a long time, but it came out honestly pretty good and I think it’s really cute. I think it also shows a lot of effort and care, and I think those things make a really good gift. I can’t lie, though, I feel already let down for my birthday again this year. In the past, I haven’t really been able to celebrate my birthday and there has even been times where my parents have forgotten about it. I worry that I have set my expectations too high for them now, as I almost always find myself disappointed, or let down. I think just generally, this is how I feel whenever I receive presents for something like birthdays or Christmas when I do. I cherish Presents and I keep them and savor them, and I am very thankful for them, but I feel like more often than Not. It feels like I am not receiving something that has a lot of thought or Care put into it. I feel like whenever I give Presents to people close to me. I put a lot of thought and effort into them, and I feel like I set the bar for myself too high. I don’t think that’s a bar that other people really reach. And I don’t fault people for that and I think I’m saying all of this because I recognize that this is unrealistic to expect and to be upset by. I know the obvious thing here on why I am additionally feeling this way is because of my last relationship. I remember how for Christmas she got me stuff late, and she was worried about giving me presents because I had given her such good ones and I think for my birthday she had not really put a lot of thought into them. To try to make things easier for her, I said that we would both make a list of things in our discord server where we used to keep notes, and I gave her a lot of different ideas and I even bolded a couple things to try to make it even easier, to basically give a slam dunk. When we did our delayed Christmas, she gave me random things that weren’t on the list and she didn’t give me the things that I bolded. When we talked about it later, she said she just didn’t think about it and messed up. I remember she got me a random thing from an Instagram ad, which were scratcher cards for date ideas, but the problem was the dates were nothing like the kind of things that I like doing. And additionally, all of the things were available on their website, and she instead spent $50 which was half of our budget on that. She ended up taking that back and I ordered the thing that I had asked for and she sent me the money for it. I got her a lot of things for her presents, going well over the budget. I understand that this puts even more pressure on her, and I can recognize that. But one of the main things I got her, was one time when we were late on a call she was talking about how as a child in London, she got a jelly cat Collab stuffed animal that she could not find any mention of anymore, and her stuffed animal was really really beaten up. She talked about how she wished she could get it replaced or repaired. I immediately took note of that, and I ended up trying to scour the Internet as much as I could to find it, and I ended up eventually finding someone who is selling it on eBay, and I got it imported. When I finally surprised her with it, I had given her a different stuffed animal that was the same type of animal, and when she wasn’t looking, I swapped it with the real one, and she finally noticed it and broke down crying and gave me such a big hug. And I remember that later, she talked about how shit she felt because of how good of a present and how much effort I had put in compared to her. And I think that was one of the things that ultimately led to the breakup, just along with this general pattern of guilt because she felt like I was too good for her and she kept fucking up. I’m not gonna get into it, but I have a lot of different memories of things like Christmas or birthdays where I would be skipped over or forgotten, or almost purposefully excluded. And so I recognize that I am sensitive to receiving presents for things like this. But part of me is always wishing that someone would really take note and see me and get to know me in such an intimate way that they could give me a present that would hit me to the core. I guess I really want to know that I matter. And it sucks that I kind of see Presents like that.

Fantastic video essay on Steven Spielberg's MUNICH, which I haven't seen since the first watch when it originally came out. Definitely due for a rewatch if for nothing else but the truly unparalleled masterful camera work alone.

Spent a full day assembling Ikea furniture and another full day breaking down all the boxes. I really hope it's the last time I crack open an Ikea box ever again as I am somewhat traumatized by the sight of anything Ikea after all the relocations made in the U.S. and the obligatory Ikea visits that would soon follow.

Though, realistically, I will soon have more Ikea in my immediate future; they somehow discovered on the day of delivery that certain items were out of stock. Items relating to some of the stuff that was actually delivered. Like say, the armchair's cushioning. I now have the frame of a chair assembled in the studio, completely unusable as a chair until its cushioning is restocked towards the end of the month, yay.

Alas, the dream of kicking back on a reading chair will have to wait for a while. Speaking of reading, I moved on to Tochi Onyebuchi's GOLIATH after dropping Iain M. Banks' USE OF WEAPONS. Paul Graham Raven shared an article by Alan Jacobs with me that perfectly summarizes my feelings about the book (before even finishing it), and I suspect those same feelings are likely to be carried forward into the remainder of Banks' “Culture Novels” were I to embark on diving into them, which I won't. I think I'm good. Unless new knowledge or insight is attained in the process of experiencing a supposedly entertaining piece of fiction, it actually isn't all that entertaining imho.

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I can’t believe we are almost to 100 days. What have I even been doing? How am I so calm?

Today was busy again. Started off early helping my brother secure some Pokemon stuff from a drop at Target. Why? Well, why not? I waited in line, kinda made a friend, and got exactly what he was looking for. Then, I went to Orangetheory and then volunteered for a few hours.

I went home, organized my pottery notes and watched a movie. I grabbed a late, unhealthy dinner and went to glaze a couple of things. That is essentially it.

I wonder if these entries could be better or more entertaining if I didn’t just list what I did… I don’t know.

Thank you for your message. I am currently out of office with no set return date. I will get back to you when the time is right.