As a Human I Am Only Entitled to Death.

This is one of the most profound things that I have ever pondered, and probably will be until I receive all that I am entitled to– My guaranteed inheritance. 

Death. Death is the inheritance, if you didn’t get it from the title.

(Yeah, yeah, death talk again).

The thing that sparked this little nugget of joy is a quote from Pierce Brown’s Dark Age. ( I can’t wait until you are old enough for Red Rising). The Sovereign, Octavia au Lune tells her grandson, “[t]he tragedy of the gifted is the belief they are entitled to greatness, Lysander. As a human, you are entitled only to death.”

From a young age I believed I was destined for great things. That I was bound for greatness. And somehow the idea that my ascension was written in the cosmos was strengthened despite my environment telling me otherwise. We were poor. My mother was gone. My dad was an addict. I was living in group homes. And yet, I never once internalized the idea that my life would remain that way. 

And I think about why that is. How could that be? Do all children believe so fiercely? And if so, at what point does that belief go away?

To some degree I think all humans look at themselves through distorted lenses. It is probably a survival mechanism to keep from absolutely loathing the one person you are stuck with forever. Maybe it's the reason we struggle to see our flaws and own our mistakes. We can always seem to find redeeming qualities in ourselves or find a way to blame others for our situations even when we are wrong. Even those of us who feel undeserving and unworthy still have trace amounts of this ability to see ourselves in a more favorable light. It’s like we are designed to build pedestals. Like, yes I sin, but not as bad as that guy down there. 

In my case I think it was my capacity to disconnect from what was happening around me. It's kind of unsettling when I look back. I get a sense that I didn't actually live most of those moments. Moments that people assumed would cause lasting trauma. And maybe they did. But when I was at school or anywhere but home, most of my home life seemed like it happened to someone else. I just observed it. I think it allowed me to live a relatively normal childhood.

Most people encountered me in some aspect of my “misfortune”. I mean that in the sense of them on the outside looking in. Either they knew what was going on at home or were briefed about my history by counselors, etc. They likely didn't expect much from me. No one would have been shocked if I lived up to the image of the troubled youth. The elements were all there. So when I did well academically and was reasonably well adjusted, I think the people around me helped nurture the belief that I was somehow special. A rose in concrete. And maybe that is what our teachers and coaches and caretakers are supposed to do. Help us believe. 

But the tragedy of the gifted is the belief they are entitled to greatness.

One of the things I thought of when I read this quote was how easy your Uncle M and I thought it would be to become millionaires right out of college. We believed our own myth. That our destiny was infallible. And it wasn't that we weren't willing to work for it. We just didn't have the wisdom to see any other outcomes. Or to know that there were things that we couldn't know. And that we didn't even know what we didn't know. We were probably insufferable at times. I definitely was. I wish I could apologize to Grandpa. 

And therein lies the potential tragedy. What happens when the years pass and you don’t quite set the world ablaze? Maybe you settle into a job or role that is “good enough”. Maybe you stay home and make it so your partner can go out and be great. Do you consider yourself a failure? Do you save face and revise what success means to you? Or perhaps you are truly changed and realize that what you thought you wanted was never really right for you. Maybe it was all a pre-fabricated dream downloaded to you at birth and updated by society along the way. 

Mark Manson recounts the stories of two musical legends and how perspective and contentedness can mean all the difference. 

Dave Mustaine was kicked out of Metallica right before they signed a record deal. Pretty shitty, right? He took that hurt and anger and used it as fuel. He created the band Megadeath. (Not regular death. Megadeath). Megadeath has sold over 25 million records and played shows all over the planet. When I was younger all the metalheads had Megadeath T-shirts. Now you can find them at Target. Faux vintage and whatnot.  

Anyhow, objectively Megadeath and Dave Mustaine are kind of legend…wait for it…dary.

The other musician Mark discussed was Pete Best. He was kicked out of the Beatles and replaced with Ringo Starr. The BEATLES man! And he did not form another multimillion record selling band. He was depressed. He drank. He was suicidal. He did not use that fuel to create another insect inspired band. He did nothing that would be considered “mega”.

But here is the twist. While society considers Mustaine an epic success, Dave himself does not. Metallica has sold 180 million records and counting. They will go down as one of the greatest rock bands of all time. Tragically, this was the metric that Dave Mustaine used to measure himself against. Anything less was failure. A few years ago he admitted that he still feels like a failure. Sold out shows. Millions of dollars. 6 platinum records. His songs screamed by millions of fans until their voice gives out. And he is not happy.

Our guy Pete on the other hand cleaned himself up. Got married. Started a family. He played and taught music and says that he is happier than he would have been if he stayed in the Beatles. The BEATLES, man! Only he knows if that is true. But it seems like he got to do all the things he truly wanted without the expectations or demands of being in arguably the greatest musical ensemble of the century. He didn't measure himself against Ringo and them. His metric was: be the best drummer he can be, and enjoy music. The doing. The playing. That was the key. The journey. Not the destination.

So what am I saying?

I’m not exactly sure. I don’t have a profound revelation for you. What I think I am saying is that we can only count on the fact that in life, nobody gets out alive. And if we measure everything against that fact, the way we see things may increase or decrease in importance based on that worldview. Some of us will use it as fuel to avoid the safe path and swing for the fences. Why not chase impossible dreams? So what if you fail, you’ll be dead sooner than later and it won’t matter. Others will use it to help put things in perspective. None of today’s problems are that I am dead. And if I am not dead, everything is okay. The meaning of life is to literally not be dead. You are batting 1000 so far. MVP. MVP.

And some of us will get depressed. We feel like we are running out of time and haven't achieved all we thought we would. Sometimes this cold splash of truth shocks us into action. For others maybe we go deeper into our “what’s the point of it all” despair.

I think most humans experience varying degrees of all three at different stages of life.

So I guess the takeaway is risk it all or be content no matter what, and try not to worry too much about death. Its coming.

But not today death. Not today.

I had a guy tell me he had a crush on me last night. He said that he bothered me—typically at 2 a.m. with a few drunk calls—because it was only then that he could muster up the courage to “mess with me,” as he put it. I have not been speaking to this person for several weeks now, because on the one occasion I gathered enough energy to see what all his fuss was about, the man offered me little to no reassurance that he even wanted me at his place at all. The situation made me feel like I was some foreign exchange student being forced to stay with this person, not knowing a lick of English. Except this guy had desperately asked me to come to his house, and spoke almost no words to me the entire time. I put myself out there, even offering for us to cuddle during a movie. (I am not super drawn to physical contact, but I felt it was appropriate for the moment. I would have even thought it was nice, if this degenerate had even moved closer to me.) This guy put his arm around me while still maintaining nearly two feet between us. My mind still cannot fathom that. It makes me crack a smile thinking about it. So this awkward, cuddling-but-not-really-cuddling thing happens, and I immediately drop all contact. Clearly, this man had made some weird mistake in thinking he wanted to pursue me, and I had—against my better judgment—decided to see out of morbid curiosity if there was anything worth pursuing. Wrong. Dead wrong. Since that incident, he has texted me about twice a week and drunk called me two to three times a week. I have thought about blocking the dude, especially on the one night that he called me at 2 a.m. My phone went off, I knew it was late at night, and I thought it was an emergency. I typically leave my phone on “no ringer” at night. Somehow, this one night, I had forgotten to silence my phone. I had half a mind to scream into the phone and tell this guy to NEVER ring my phone again so late. It was so indecent, and for him not to know that calling me after 12 a.m. on a random weeknight just felt like... well. You know. I had thought this man's intention was to only use me for sex, and that is still an option. We have not had any kind of intimate contact besides a make-out session that lasted all of thirty seconds. No, it was not during the awkward cuddling thing. In fact, that had happened before the five-hour, no-sex, barely-cuddling, no-eye-contact-or-conversation hangout. Can you imagine why I'd be so confused by this entire situation? I consider myself asexual, but I am too afraid to tell anyone. I'd even go as far as to say I'm aromantic, though I think I'm too afraid to confront the reality of the sexless life I'd prefer to have AND the relationship-less life I'd be entering as well. One piece of bad news at a time. I keep telling myself all of that will change once I've spent enough time in therapy. I also keep trying to convince myself that some magic Prince Charming will show up and remind me how wonderful healthy relationships are. I think I let the pressure of being the eldest daughter with no serious, committed relationship get to me. I've been really happy being single so far. I haven't been single in six years. Sure, it gets lonely sometimes, and only rarely do I desire to have someone with me while doing mundane tasks. I learned to be comfortable being alone, or doing things alone, a long time ago. Sometimes it worries me that I am alone so much, but I have to remember it's a healthy part of life. I have gotten comfortable with having fewer people in my life who mean a lot to me. The ones who have been here for me don't make me feel uncomfortable like this guy does. I want to laugh and ask him if he's joking for admitting such a silly thing. He likes me? Why? He doesn't even know me. I'd bet a large sum he doesn't know my favorite color, the movies I like, or why going back to school means so much to me. Hey guy, you only like the idea of me, and that pisses me off. I'm so much more than an idea, a concept, or a pretty woman. I don't want to receive any more of his raunchy Instagram posts or his selfies, sent unsolicited, where he poses extremely provocatively. I went out on a limb and offered myself to him, and he acted like we had never met before. Absolutely absurd. My girlfriends have always said being single was so easy, that men were desperate to do anything to get in a woman's pants. It's all so confusing. It's best I remove myself before getting involved any further.

Beaucoup se battent des années pour être dans la situation dans laquelle je me trouve aujourd’hui.

Pour avoir un travail stable, bien rémunéré et qui fait sens.

Le sens, je le perds de vue. Je dois faire un effort chaque jour pour me dire que je fais ce que j’ai à faire. Que la difficulté fait partie de ce chemin que je parcours. Que les sacrifices sont nécessaires.

Si ma situation me désespère, c’est parce que je la mets en perspective face à une situation illusoire qui m’apporterait davantage sur d’autres aspects de ma vie.

Aujourd’hui, j’en bave.

L’obstacle et les difficultés sont grandes. Mais n’est-ce pas de là que proviennent nos plus grandes satisfactions ? Si les choses ne nous coûtent pas, elles perdent de leur valeur.

Le bonheur et le malheur n’existe pas, disait Dumas. Il n’y a que la comparaison d’un état à un autre.

Alors réjouissons-nous.

J’ai encore la vie devant moi. Et de belles expériences à vivre.

Suis-je fier de la vie que je mène ? Je pense que oui. Cette vie est en accord avec mes principes.

Alors tout est pour le mieux. Je n’ai pas à pleurer sur les difficultés du moment, mais me réjouir d’avoir l’opportunité de les affronter avec dignité et résilience.

#blog Why are you using tiny screens and phones to access porn? They are great on the go, but you gotta expand your horizons. Let's talk about screen gooning. As someone always looking to expand my porn addiction, I leverage technology. I won't bore you with all the technical details, but I'll keep it simple.

I have a 4-monitor setup at home for my porn PC. Right now, I have 9 porn videos playing at once, giving me a mild overstimulation as I type this. My center screen is where my main window and all the action takes place for interacting with the porn world.

But as I focus and get deeper into my gooning session, I do something really simple that's a game changer.

I double-click on the video with the good scene and let it go full screen. I savor that moment in full as porn blasts my ears in my headphones, and then the world goes simple again. Once that moment is over, I go back to my many multiple mini video screens and wait for the next amazing scene to come into focus again.

Also, adding on that I'm trying a new edging posture where I don't tense my crotch muscles when I masturbate. Still trying to break that habit, but boy, that's a game changer too!! Keep edging, everyone!

Inbetweeners 48- Aftermath of the Assault on the Beeple Hive

In the wake of the assault on the Beeple Hive, the Inbetweener's allies were pretty rattled. Lurian was beside himself at Elythos' curse and his inability to fix it. The Queen was even more distraught by her inability to protect her hive during the attack. The event would have profound consequences for the choices each NPC made as time went on. Ultimately, the players knew Zane had set up a trap for them, and they had a difficult choice to make. Ignore the trap, and leave the hostages, including Callie, to a horrible fate in the Torment. Or, walk right into Zane's trap, hoping that despite all of his preparation they would triumph.

The Torment was a particularly inspired choice of a setting by Zane because it severely limited which allies would help. Most beings in the multiverse wouldn't dare go that deep into Hades, let alone into a place as infamous as The Torment. There were a few potential allies they could tap though. Here is a direct reference to my notes from the campaign:

________________________________________________

“Potential Allies for the Torment

-Most of the mercenaries in the lower planes, especially the Yugoloth, will not take a contract out against Mammon, considering his position and wealth. -Zariel, if approached, is on the battlefield in Hades preparing for a massive demonic assault that’s massing on the other side of the river Styx. She will tell the characters that the other generals are pulling their forces away, hoping that she will be overwhelmed and destroyed. She’s taking captured demons, yugoloths, and devils who have shown “cowardice” and infecting them with the black, ichorous energy now oozing out of all her partially healed wounds. She is no longer strikingly beautiful, but instead terrifying to behold. Missing an eye, many of her partially healed wounds from regeneration now just black, void like shadow energy. She will offer to help the group if they stay and help her fend of the wave of demons advancing, but she says they may not survive. Alternatively, she is willing to give any of them the “dark gift” of the parasite if they so choose. The Nameless One has a keen interest in helping the players. He will bring a few allies to bare: Horace the Homely- One of the richest beings in Sigil, he is a hideous man with growths on his face. He refuses any glamor, saying he is “rich enough to be ugly”, but is covered in ostentatious jewelry. He is boisterous and has three mistresses with him, all in masks, one smiling, one frowning and one neutral. They are actually Pain Devils that can shapeshift. Horace is actually a puppet of Asmodeus, but no one knows this. He made his money in derivatives on soul contracts. He keeps tabs on power brokers for Asmodeus and will make his way over to meet the players. He approaches the players interested in funding their “little project.” Ostensibly, Mammon is a primary business rival and he says “Who doesn’t like to sabotage a friend from time to time?” He will glom meat honey as he speaks. His proposal is he sends his specialist to hack The Torment while the players distract Zane. Of course, he will take over operations afterwards.

Arkanos- Arkanos feels immense guilt for feeding Mammon for so long. The Nameless One reached out and let him know about the hostages and he felt compelled to help. He hasn’t fought outside the Arena in centuries, is curious if he could feel fear again. He’s not out for redemption, nor revenge. He’s there to get the job done. “

___________________________________

So, Zariel is out because of the parasite and overwhelming odds she faces in the Blood War. However, the characters could take on a temporary version of the parasite to help... a choice that Uzo actually makes.

Arkanos will certainly help, as described he wants to make amends for all of the souls he mainlined to Mammon. As a CR 26, 40 hit dice paragon warrior, he alone is a one man war machine. Bringing him makes an incredible difference in any fight. But still, even Arkanos alone is not enough to overcome the combined resources of Mammon and Zane. Enter- The Nameless One.

The Nameless One and his master, The Man, did not plan the Assault on the Beeple Hive. They did not spur Mammon on, encourage him, or provide any information or intelligence in that direction. However, once they saw him act, they seized the opportunity. As mentioned in previous posts, The Nameless One and Man both saw the way Mammon handled wealth as massive wasted potential. He hoarded capital that could be put to productive use. The Man wanted him out, and someone else installed in his place. The players seemed like the opportunity to do just that. So he ordered The Nameless One to put his finger on the scale in the favor of the players. Not to attack Mammon directly, at least not yet, but rather facilitate the players and ensure their success. Defeating Zane was the first step in destabilizing Mammon so that he could ultimately be toppled and replaced.

The Nameless One's plan was to use an ally, The Aminzu, to hack into the Torment for the players. Aminzu's are powerful devils known for their intelligence, cunning, and ability to manipulate large scale events. It very much wanted the Torment for itself, and planned on helping the players take out Zane, and then staying behind to take control of the facility. Horace the Homely would be the money man, investing in the plan to take out Mammon. It was the classic everyone wins here. The players take out their enemy, Horace gets even richer, the Nameless One gets a step closer to replacing Mammon and the Aminzu controls the Torment and the production of “corrected” demons, which will come into play later. Of course, the Nameless One didn't reveal the majority of these details to the player. I think they may have suspected, but if they did they didn't really care. The Nameless One had done right but them thus far, and who cares which fiends rule hell afterwards? Domilia was the most suspicious of him, but her priority was freeing the Beeple and helping the hive.

So, the Nameless One, Aminzu, Horace the Homely and Arkanos were their allies going in. Suddenly Zane's trap didn't seem insurmountable.

A few other pieces to address in the aftermath of the attack.

Lurian: The Nameless One made Lurian a deal the players did not know the details of. Essentially, he could lift Mammon's curse on Elythos, and in return Lurian would work with him. He and the Man wanted Lurian to succeed in his theocratic/populist/borderline fascist takeover of the Material Plane. Ironically, Lurian slaughtering fiends and devil lords actually suited their goals. The Man was looking to clean house, and Lurian could do much of his dirty work for him. Beyond that, once in place, the Man would have a corrupt and powerful angel as a chief lieutenant. Lurian knew he was making a deal with the devil, but that was a later issue. For now, he would do whatever it took to free Elythos.

The curse itself couldn't be cured, it could instead be transferred to another entity. That was part of Mammon's transactional nature. The curse was a debt that could not be forgiven. The Nameless One, however, found a loophole. He took the curse into himself. As a being of far greater power, he was a worthy substitute. However, the Nameless One simply killed himself as soon as he had the curse—the burning coins in his eyes and weight of Mammon on him. Because of his condition, he simply reforms when he dies, but free from the curse. So, a trivial matter for him landed Lurian as a new asset for the Man. Elythos was free and revived. Everyone wins. Again that is how The Nameless One operates, wins by seeming incredibly helpful, all the while furthering his own agenda. Unlike other devils, he realizes this isn't a zero sum game. So Lurian's corruption continues...

The Beeple Queen: The players and Queen both realized the hive needed to be moved to a safer location. Luckily they had the deed to an abandon zoo. They approached the Lady of Pain, who not only cleared that area but also several city blocks to make room for the hive. She would shelter and protect the fledgling Harmoniun, in return for the players continued cooperation. Thus the Queen resettled to Sigil. The pact grew to the point where the Lady of Pain promised Sigil itself to the Queen if the players completed her task and liberated her. So, long term trajectory is the Queen replacing the Lady of Pain as ruler of Sigil and a supreme cosmic power.

However, the attack by Zane made the Queen fundamentally reassess defense and militarism in the hive. She realized there were forces out there that would do her harm who she could not find common ground with, for whom their would be no consensus building. Her Harmonium needed the ability to fight those off. Furthermore, she needed to preempt and end threats before they could hit the hive directly. At this point, the Queen psionically reached out to search for threats across the multiverse. The long term threat she kept coming back to, not just for her but for the entirety of the multiverse was the Illithids. They had dominated the stars once before, and like a metastatic cancer, she knew it was a matter of time before they did again. So the seeds were planted for something seemingly unthinkable, but done out of utilitarian benevolence- Xenocide.

So, that's how the board was set at this current point. There were probably several more smaller NPC knock-on effects I'm forgetting at this point, but I'll put them in later if I think of them. Technically the players met the Resplendent Six and had that mini quest in-between saving Xalatra and returning to the Torment, but I'll post about the return to the Torment first before addressing the Resplendent Six.

cómo es si nadie lo ha empezado

y en cierto momento del sueño te das cuenta / sabes que no hay descanso

reordenando sus famélicos fantasmas determinados asuntos que permanecen sin resolver

no hay final entiende

y caminando desde siempre sobre el piano calle abajo la tos la sensación las moscas del pan tienen algo que decir los topos la última palabra

entonces viene a mi memoria el arte de alimentar ausencias dando duro al otro y al que pase vertebrando turbulencias como el que encuentra su estrella en el abrigo

ese sueño que arrastra a otro

parte de mí y oreja nuestra resonando como un tambor o un clavo en la mejilla de uno y en la de otro

La forêt urbaine, un dimanche de novembre

La forêt urbaine, le dimanche matin, accueille un défilé de coureurs. Le mois de novembre, le ciel gris du nord-est, cette froide humidité qui emplit l'air, rien de tout cela ne semble perturber le flot continu des baskets qui tapent le sol comme une grosse pluie frappe aux carreaux.

Qui aurait l'idée saugrenue de passer par là en marchant se trouverait vite submergé·e par la marée. Ils courent, vieux hommes solitaires, groupes tonitruants, garçons hurleurs, femmes en short aux jambes rougies de froid — ils courent, chasuble tout propre sur le dos, bandeau de trek sur la tête, montre connectée au poignet ou téléphone intelligent savamment accroché au bras.

Il faut saluer la détermination des adeptes du jogging qui, comme nous le découvrons aujourd'hui, occupent leur dimanche matin à courir en boucle dans cette forêt aménagée de périphérie. C'est un peu comme une messe moderne au grand air. On s'habille pour les circonstances, on retrouve ses connaissances, ou l'on poursuit seul la quête de soi-même et le salut de sa santé.

Toujours est-il qu'à chaque vague nous nous écartons du chemin, nous stationnons dans les feuilles mortes, nous attendons, comme les tortues que nous sommes face aux lièvres qui courent et courent.

Heureusement pour nous, les lièvres dans leur course suivent religieusement la grande piste dégagée, tandis que notre lenteur nous laisse voir des chemins de traverse dans lesquels nous nous glissons bientôt. Soudain, tout est calme. On n'entend plus que l'autoroute indistincte, au loin, mais on peut se laisser croire que c'est le vent qui souffle en lointaines rafales — magie de l'imagination.

Nous errons par les petits chemins de terre, tournicotons entre les arbres couverts de mousse, traversons une passerelle au-dessus des bolides lancés à 130 km/h sur leur grand chemin de bitume, et nous songeons avec frayeur qu'il nous arrive à nous-mêmes d'être passagers de tels monstres de technologie.

Nous laissant porter par les sentiers qui serpentent devant nous, nous déroulons nos jambes en même temps que nos pensées. La marche est propice à la contemplation autant qu'à la discussion. Et le regard vagabonde, s'étend aussi loin qu'il le désire. J'aperçois dans les fourrés un arbre mort qui offre le couvert à de gigantesques champignons blancs. Plus loin, ce sont des arbres vifs, coiffés d'orange pétant, de jaune acidulé, de pourpre sage, qui bordent le chemin, et nous foulons un tapis de mêmes couleurs, où s'entassent des feuilles à profusion.

Et c'est ainsi que l'automne défile, au rythme d'une marche tranquille, dans la forêt de périphérie.

#SilentSunday #forêts #élogedelamarche #automne

NFL Sunday.

Today's game of choice in the Roscoe-verse has the Las Vegas Raiders playing the Seattle Seahawks. Two reasons I'm choosing this particular game: 1.) Fernando Mendoza, and 2.) the Pittsburgh Steelers game is playing too late for me to follow.

And the adventure continues.

Stay entertained thanks to our Weekly Tracker giving you next week's Anticipated Movies & Shows, Most Watched & Returning Favorites, and Shows Changes & Popular Trailers.

Anticipated Movies

• Madden
• Guarding Stars
• Witch on the Holy Night
• Josephine
• ☆ The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping
• Steps

Anticipated Shows

• The Altruists
• ☆ Dig

Returing Favorites

• Celeste — Season 2
• Percy Jackson and the Olympians — Season 3
• ☆ Yellowjackets — Season 4

Trending Shows Status Changes

• VisionQuest — Returning Series → Ended
• The Good Daughter — Returning Series → Ended
• Doctor X: Mafia in White — Returning Series → Ended
• The Empress — Returning Series → Ended
• Mr. Fanboy — Returning Series → Ended

Most Watched Movies this Week

• +4 Heart of the Beast
• -1 Resident Evil
• +7 The Odyssey
• new Other Mommy
• -1 Primetime
• = Spider-Man: Brand New Day
• -5 Verity
• -5 The Dog Stars
• new The Mongoose
• -3 A Story of Derry

Most Watched Shows this Week

• +1 VisionQuest
• -1 MobLand
• = Dexter: Resurrection
• new The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power
• -1 Tulsa King
• +3 South Park
• = Nocturne
• new Black Doves
• new Grey's Anatomy
• new Abbott Elementary

Popular Trailers

• The #1 Movie in the World kicks off the holiday season. — Ebenezer
• Now Playing in Theaters — Wild Horse Nine
• Like Mother Like Sons — VisionQuest
• Countdown to Avengers: Doomsday – Every Moment on Disney+ — Avengers: Doomsday
• One week. One epic story. — The Hunger Games: Sunrise on the Reaping
• Buddy can't wait to see you — Buddy
• In Cinemas Now — How to Rob a Bank
• The colours of WILDWOOD. — Wildwood
• billie 🤝 beef 🤝 bucket — Hexed
• Teaser Season 7 Episode 4 — Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir

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Hi, I’m Kevin 👋. Product Manager at Trakt and creator of Rippple. If you’d like to support what I'm building, you can download Rippple for Trakt, explore the open source project, or go Trakt VIP.

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si apenas es comprensible es que es así y no es necesario entender

sencillo / a golpe de pecho el latido el latigazo

y el testigo que mira al que se arrastra con más peso del que lleva pupilas propias de una lenta hipnosis la piel huracanada

notas que los labios se humedecen como pétalos al alba presente aquí para cualquier cosa o simplemente para lo que venga

porque es tan alma esta carne espíritu enraizado en el espacio inmaculado

/ canta al dulce pájaro sonido breve que se agota

dame esa esperanza que es hija de la raíz que el tiempo acorta la que crece en espinas

y quédate por favor como si el deseo de esta carne pudiera ser amable permaneciendo luego en el gozo eternamente en rama

Addressing double standards and unrealistic expectations

A few weeks ago I had shuffled between a few laptops trying to find one that I really liked. I spent a lot of time dealing with issues that I don’t think most people ever really have to consider, but I also ran into issues I think people just accept because it’s the default computing experience. Linux is ugly but Windows may be uglier.

My own failures

I’m no saint. I have a long history of being obsessive over the very specific way my apps, desktop, and underlying system are built and installed. When things are great they’re really great. The level of control I have when running Linux has made me feel like I can really push the boundaries and eventually get a Perfect™️ system. Unfortunately, the fact that it’s so flexible and that there are so many options has also allowed me to very quickly give up the moment I run into an issue. Strange issues with how one app is working that I can’t quite figure out? Nuke and pave. New install of another distribution. I see another distribution implement the boot loader in a way I like better? Nuke and pave. New install of yet another distribution... Obviously, this isn’t healthy, and I’ve been thinking a lot about this and how it differs from how most people use their computers, but also how there are core similarities that perhaps give Linux a bad rap.

Accepting slop

The other side of this coin is on the Windows side of things. Every time I’ve booted up a new machine, I am very quickly infuriated by the absolute drag that is the Windows initial setup. Multiple reboots, the insistence on using a Microsoft account, having multiple subscription services beg for my money and vaguely suggesting that my data could be lost if I choose not to use OneDrive, and then partner prompts for McAfee or OEM data collection... the list goes on. This is the Windows experience. This is the experience every single person goes through when buying a new PC. I haven’t even mentioned the part where updates after you set up the machine take anywhere from three to seven reboots to eventually completely finish.

If I experienced even half of this during my first run on a fresh Linux install, I’d genuinely just wipe the drive and move on. Despite my own issues with being far too willing to just throw things away, I think this is a completely valid reaction. What’s interesting to me is that Windows users don’t do something similar. Obviously the reasons are nuanced and complex, but boil down to just a few key factors:

1) There are no other options. Windows isn’t an ecosystem of distributions with different implementation details, it’s just one thing. 2) Most users don’t know just how bad it actually is. They have nothing to compare it against. 3) Most users are not inclined to do something about it. Whether it be lack of technical experience, knowledge, and the association of the computer as a thing that includes the software, rather than just the hardware itself.

Okay, so why not just wipe the drive and do a clean Windows install from an ISO. It’s easy enough to download and write to a flash drive...

The double standard

This is where things get quite interesting to me. I’ve done the ‘install Windows from an ISO’ thing so, so, so many times. One thing I’ve learned by doing this is that the driver situation on Windows is quite dire. Booting into any modern machine with a fresh ISO often leaves me with something (or many things) missing. Not having any network drivers is the most common. Intel, MediaTek, Broadcom... all the same. Sometimes they are present, but then my touchpad drivers don’t exist. Alright, I can just use the keyboard. Oh! There’s no driver for my... SSD? What?

This very specific experience was an eye-opener for me regarding the perception that folks have of Linux based on (often outdated) experiences with a missing device driver when installing Linux. When someone writes a Linux ISO to a flash drive and gives it a shot, missing Wi-Fi drivers is usually an instant mark of failure. No consideration is given to troubleshooting because on Windows, that just wasn’t necessary. Because people turn on their PCs with the drivers that came pre-installed by the OEM, they have no clue that the same exact issues are present on Windows, if not worse. The only difference is that they didn’t do the installation themselves.

Ogres have layers

The conclusion that I’ve come to is that there is a direct connection to the unfair expectations that are thrust upon Linux distributions when folks try it out and the overall pressure that Linux distributions and Linux software are under by the general user base. Aside from the reality of passionate people exhibiting passionate expression, I think Linux being seen as a safe haven or a revival for peoples’ machines is also responsible for the harsh criticism it receives for minor issues. It apparently takes so much to push users to the point of actually trying another operating system (otherwise why would they continue to deal with the hellscape that is Microsoft’s equivalent to an eBay storefront for their services that they’ve disguised as an OS), that when they attempt to try something they assume will fix things, any issue is a sign that things must not actually be any better and it’s easier to give up than to trod on.

This extends so much deeper than just the initial experience. It cascades onto desktop software. Issues with an app? Typical Linux experience. Issues with the desktop? Typical Linux experience. The pressure on Linux is higher because the expectations of it being perfect generally ignore the fact that Windows is inherently flawed in both similar and different ways.

None of this matters... BUT!

All this is just to say that I recognize how much harsher I personally have been on Linux at times because my expectation is that things should be so much more perfect than they are. I also recognize that I’m not alone and the unrealistic expectations that others set are also quite weighty and paint an unfair picture of the Linux desktop.

My goal here is ultimately just reasoning through all of this because the reality of most situations is that the grass is only green if you water it. The thousands upon thousands of contributors working on Linux software from the kernel to the desktop to services and apps are all watering that grass. A massive community of people passionate about building great software and this is an incredible contrast to the Windows ecosystem which has continued to be stuffed by Microsoft. The difference is that people just don’t know any better.

I hope that comes as some form of comfort to those of you who are working on and/or enjoying the wonderful things we have here on Linux. There’s always room to improve and none of it is perfect, but the pressure and the expectations are often unrealistic and extreme. The work you’re doing is incredibly valuable to so many people.

Much love!

side note: in case anyone is looking for shims, I’ve included this footnote to mention them. Shim. Shim sham. Shimmy!

eddy explains the single point of failure

I left my Samsung phone on the table at home when I packed eddy to go to church.

The church is the road on the Cradle loop.

Well over halfway there, is when I suddenly realised the phone was missing.

Bliksem!

I told eddy. You know how screwed we are when we don't have a phone. Everything is now driven by that little rectangular piece of technology. Banking, communication, navigation, authentication, photographs, appointments, even proving that you are who you say you are.

Ja, said eddy. Single point of failure.

The phones disappear & everyone will be walking around like zombies.

Hell, eddy, you make me feel like I'll be kaalgat on the ride today without my Samsung.

The breeze was up & I was concentrating hard on slipstreaming behind the cyclists in front of me. There was no time for meditation or philosophical discussions. Not when you're trying to conserve energy & stay tucked in behind someone's rear wheel.

But the thought stuck.

As I was driving back after the ride had finished, I started thinking about my parents & their generation. How many of them, and their acquaintances, had already kicked the bucket. Having only had that spawn of Satan in their hands only at the end of their stint on Earth.

Except for Oom Etienne Bruyns.

He was still alive & kicking in Ballito.

When I got home, I decided to give him a call via the Devil’s tongue.

He answered. Still alive, he confirmed, although he'd had all his knees & hips replaced. He still managed the occasional round of golf, which he rather wonderfully described as moer en soek.

We had a good chat about the old days.

About Ouma Joey & Oupa JT. Joey was his godmother. About how my mom's boet had artificially inseminated one million cows.

Phew!

That's a lot of cows.

He asked about my sister. I told him how worked up she'd become about retiring that she eventually ended up in hospital with diabetic shock.

Work is not worth that, we agreed.

Poor & alive is better than dead & rich.

I was going to tell him about eddy & how a bicycle has absolutely no concept of wealth or money. It doesn't care about your bank balance, your job title or how many properties you own.

It only cares whether you can keep turning the pedals.

But I thought the Oom might think I'm bossies.

He had already asked me how to spell psychosomatic when I explained that this was what I thought had contributed to Lyn's hospital stay.

After the call, I unloaded eddy & put him on his stand in the bedroom.

I had something to ask him.

eddy, what drives us humanoids to experience these psychosomatic issues that eventually manifest themselves physically?

Is it a modern thing? Or have we always been like this? Is it our sentience? Our ability to think about tomorrow, worry about yesterday & somehow make ourselves miserable in the present?

We have evolved to become incredibly sophisticated. We can put people on the moon, communicate across the planet in milliseconds & carry the universe's information in our pockets.

Yet we can also worry ourselves sick about a retirement date, a bank balance, a meeting, a missed call or something that hasn't even happened.

Perhaps that's the irony of being human.

We have minds capable of imagining almost anything, including our own demise. And sometimes the body gets caught up in the imagination.

Our brains don't always distinguish neatly between a physical threat & a perceived one. Prolonged stress can affect hormones, sleep, blood pressure, digestion, immunity & all sorts of other bodily functions. The mind and body are not independent. They're are like the branches & roots of a tree. The tree of Life. Maybe that is why all the hippies have it as a tattoo?

And perhaps we've simply become very good at creating threats where none exist.

I looked at eddy.

He had no comment about my retirement plans, no concerns about the economy, no outstanding invoices & absolutely no interest in whether I had remembered my Samsung or what tattoo I was going to burn onto my ass.

He just stood there.

“Mastelek, you humanoids have an extraordinary ability to suffer twice. First, you imagine something terrible happening. Then you suffer when it happens. Sometimes it never happens at all.

“You spend so much time worrying about keeping everything together that you forget to actually live.

“A bicycle doesn't worry about the hill ahead. It doesn't worry about the hill behind. It just deals with the road underneath its wheels.

“And one more thing, boet.

“Your phone might be a single point of failure, but your head is a whole gemors of unnecessary problems.

“Perhaps you should leave that Samsung at home more often.”

Bliksem.

I think eddy might be onto something.

Ronald Bartels | LinkedIn | Instagram

Les phrases dans le cerveau, leurs débuts plutôt, d’un dire attendu venant du vide de soi, patienté jusqu’aux nerfs, finissent en tronçons de bois que des mains engourdies jettent au bas-côté. La ville se tient muette, à ne rien tirer d’elle, planquée, souterraine, nous laissant seulement courater sur son dos. Hors Éros, qui la guette, la pense, voudrait l’écrire ou la parler s’il savait le faire, en dépaysager l’urbain ? Et ça paraît si futile ou vain, qu’on se retient de sacrer son nom puis de maudire, outre soi-même, les gens qui vont sans voir tout du long d’elle, de son multicouloir immobile.

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La vie solitaire de É. Sambòko prend la suite des #Didascalies de Fenêtre sur ville. Un personnage est apparu, qui déplace la perspective de la ville et de son écriteur. Sambòko veut dire “chaussure” mais aussi “énigme” si l’on oriente autrement l’accent. Où va É. Sambòko ? L’on ne sait.

#LaviesolitairedeÉSambòko

Advies van een vriend Geniet meer van het leven Het is zo voorbij.

Today I had what I consider my first real birthday party. I don’t even know where to start. I hosted a lot of different events and games, And I think overall people loved it! There were a lot of really fun moments and people kept asking me about how much effort I put into it. When it was time for cake, I went to the car to grab something for a second, and when I had come back the lights were off, and everyone was gathered around the table. Honestly, I was really afraid and I had went to the bathroom right before, and I felt like I was going to cry and I was horribly anxious. How do you tell someone who has felt like they have slipped through every crack in a room that suddenly everyone sees them? And in such a beautiful way. I felt like I was just going to cry from them singing, happy birthday, but then they told me to prop up my phone and record. And when they did that, they instead told me that they all were going to come one by one and put a candle one at a time and tell me a wish that they have for me. And my voice is breaking up because I’m going to cry again thinking about it. I think about how before this one of the greatest gifts that I have kept for my birthday was the happy birthday sign. My ex’s family had put in the cake for me. And now I have more candles that I could’ve dreamed of. Everyone took turns coming up to me, lighting a candle, and telling me something sweet and a wish for me. And I couldn’t stop crying.

So many people told me how grateful they are for the community that I have built and how thankful they are to get to be a part of it. They told me how many people they have gotten to meet through me and how many fun things they’ve gotten to do. And I couldn’t help but think about all these years that I have spent my birthday and the holidays alone. And I think about how many nights I fell asleep before college dreaming about how I would have friends that I could hang out with people that would give me hugs. I could cry and I am crying because I struggled so much and I have blindly put in so much faith along the way working at this. I always dreamed about being able to have a life like this, and I have made it in mine. I grew up without a community, because my parents kept us isolated at home. And I never felt like I fit in anywhere, with the exception of online. And I’m grateful for that in several ways, and I also think that I have become a deep and unique person because of that lack of conformity that comes with community. But I always wished that I would find my people and I have spent so many nights thinking about it and I’ve written about it so many times I’ve talked with my therapist so many times and I now have that. And I have it in such a loud way that so many of the other people in the community that I have built remind me of this fact.

I also had several people tell me about how unapologetically myself I am, and how it inspires them to feel comfortable being themselves. I had several people tell me how I am always having fun in whatever situation, and I couldn’t stop but cry because it reminded me of how fucking hard I have worked and pushed myself to learn how to be happy. I have people tell me how much energy I have and I feel so grateful to myself for trying so fucking hard through pure willpower. I think about how many days I have woken up at 4 PM because I just don’t have any will to get up.

I had so many people tell me how thoughtful I am towards my friends and how much I care about others, and how much I think about them. And I want to cry so fucking bad because I tried to be the person I needed at so many different points in my life and it feels like I have been doing pretty good in that sense. I think it is such a beautiful thing for your friends to think about you and the word that comes to their mind is thoughtful and considerate. It feels like all of the quiet little times I have accommodated someone without telling them, or made an effort to include someone slipping behind or checking in on someone has been seen.

And most of all I had a lot of people wish that I truly knew how many people around me care about me and love me. And that devastated me in the best way, because I cannot even begin to count how many times I have thought that I should kill myself. And how many times I have thought and truly believed that people would not miss me. And I know that so much of that is depression trying to trick me, but at the same time, it’s such a uphill battle to convince yourself of this so blindly when the only thing you hear is the opposite. But today I heard so many voices just telling me that I underestimate how loved I am.

And I vividly remember sitting here in the bottom of the shower writing about how it felt cosmically unfair that I have tried so hard and putting so much effort into being a good friend, and every year I would dread my birthday. And I would see other people being celebrated and even all of these sweet things like surprise parties, or people all giving wishes. And I feel that bitterness and envy, because what did I do to be doomed to not get that. And I know that it is a lot more complicated than that, and it is in no way shape or form a reflection of how much the people around me care if they did not do this. But also, I did get more than I could’ve dreamed of. And I still get to the day before my birthday as a sleepover with friends. And this is way more than I could’ve wished for, honestly, it’s more than I even feel comfortable receiving. And I guess I want to say that I want to thank the universe. And I’m also really thankful to myself for all of the things and work that I have been putting in so consistently, because things like this don’t just accidentally happen.

It’s more than everything I ever wanted.

Kurama to Kibune trail today.

I could have stayed all day. The trees, the autumn leaves; I can’t even begin to explain how beautiful it was. But it was the smell, that exact feeling of being right where I love to be. Far from the city noise. Nature calls, and it just gives me my energy back.

Hiked it with Simon, my new Swiss friend. He is a sensitive soul with so much good insight to share. The way he pays attention when you speak, not everyone knows how to do that. Most people don’t really care about people. When you find someone who actually listens, who takes a real interest in your story, they rapidly become part of it.

What a great day.

No time for the Kurama Onsen today, but the mountain gave me everything I needed anyway.