The year is coming to a close the end of the year, and its around that time for me to start thinking what I should do for next year. Both in terms of personal growth and what I want to do for my youtube channel Nemes Content.

I also plan to make a video on this but I wanted to get these thoughts down on pap-… screen? Yeah.

Thoughts on Video output

Video output could have been a lot better this year. Something that was frustrating near the end of the year is that I know I can make these videos with in a reasonable about of time if I can hunker down and work on them as with the Animal Crossing Wild World Video.

In the same token I shouldn’t be beating myself up about that. I have a job. One that has long hours, trying to constantly push myself while I also have other responsibilities.

BUT! The good news is that the two videos that I want to get done these year was complete. My spiteful video on Video on Ford’s 200 dollar cheques, and the Canadian Election. I wasn’t expecting this to be so close together, I was hoping for a small break between the two. How foolish was I. Either way I consider this a success.

After that, and the horrors, I was burnt out until I could muster enough creative passion for that The Movies Commercial, and Animal Crossing Wild World and even some videos I edited for some friends.

Thoughts on Channel Analytics

Channel Analytics are always a fun thing to look through. It’s one of those things you shouldn’t take too seriously because of THE ALGORITHM, but you’ll find some weird

The first thing that I have to say is I’m shocked the Doug Ford video and the Canadian Election videos did as well as they did. I honestly thought no one would click on that and I was somewhat wrong. Though it was still fairly low compared to the average I am getting now.

But of course the more popular videos (and thankfully) was the VHS video and the Wild World Video as people were more generally engaged which is good to see. And that was a big pick me up because that’s generally the direction I want to take the channel and I think I learned alot about myself, my voice, and my process through those videos (Which I will discuss later.)

The VHS Commercial video got higher views, and a decent watch time, confirming that the longer videos are more a commitment. The Wild World video, on the other hand, has gained a similar watch time and retention despite being longer and having less views. I think this highlights that I need to trust my editing and filming ability despite how long I end up making videos. I still prefer if my videos were from 15-20 minutes at most as that is the average TV episode length. Perhaps I also need to spend more time on thumbnails as I’m sure that’s partly why the VHS video did so well was due to the A B testing.

Now despite barely making any shorts this year I found that some of my shorts just consistently relevant or get some spikes in popularity. As an example of the consistently relevant include the simpsons hit and run cheat code, Revenge of the flying dutchman, and the slai short as an example of videos that alwatys seem to be getting views in some aspects. Meanwhile my Pokemon nuzlocke safari video, and sims video has started to gain more traction recently for some reason and I’m not sure why. This kind of indicates that shorts, as much as they can be bain for the older creators like myself, do seem to gain more and more traction over time, even if they don’t always translate into long form watchers.

That being said with the Related videos feature being part of shorts now, this does incentives me to be clipping and repackaging my full long form videos.

Finally, I’m done with the compilation videos for now. They’re just not worth the effort that I could be putting into a full video, and I hardly had any funny footage this year due to issues.

2026 GamePlan

The game plan is simple. Take the first 2 month of the year to organize my file structure, and some asset generation I’ve been putting off, and some work on the longer from videos. It’s mostly getting a lot of pre-work done before getting into the groove for 2026.

However I so have SOME more specific plans:

Projects I want to finish next year: Sims 3 crime family and SLAI video

Considering how well I work when I have a low goal of making 1 to 2 videos this year seemed to help me at least get those two videos done, I am once again implmenting the goal of getting 2 videos done. The two I’ve been teasing since forever. The sims 3 crime family video, and the SLAI video. One way or another I am getting those done this year. I know they’ll do good, I just… need to record and write them. Sims 3 will take priority by the basis of SLAI being Hard as Hell, and kind of unfair at time. It’s no armor core, but you can lose a lot of credits fast in that game.

The Plan for Shorts

For shorts I just need to try and get ahead on them as soon as possible. First I need to complete some sly shorts that I’ve been wanting to make for ever, but never got around to VO and recording. Next is to work on as many shorts as I can to release them bi-weekly through out the year. That way I’m always posting something, even if I get busy with life stuff.

Ironically this was the plan in 2025, but I failed at that due a number of factors. Hopefully I actually complete this in 2026 and I can keep the momentum going into 2027. I also might be testing editting shorts on linux as I try to move off of microsoft was much as possible.

The General vibe I want for Videos

After the last two video, and the success of the Gaming shorts, I think I have better idea of what I want the vibe for the videos to be. I enjoyed the more laid back cozier feeling that was the Movies VHS “Lost Media” video, and the Animal Crossing video is what I like about gaming video I watch a lot of. Especially my lofi-like end cards has been a highlight. I think I want my videos to be more focused that sort of vibe and aesthetic going forward.

At the end of the day, I am nerd just wants to highlight cool games and tech, and some that is at least more than a decade old (my thirties are showing). This isn’t a new thing on youtube or even the internet but has been what I’ve been vibing with the most.

This does mean you’ll likely not get videos like the voting video on the main channel. I’m not Steve Boots, Frank Domenic, or Rachel Gilmore. I’ll probably always talk about these sorts of topics, but if you want creators that will focus on politics there are people much more equipted to handle that. Still glad I made those more serious videos, I even got some positive feed back on the voting video, but they also burnt me out more than usual which was not helped by the new at the time. Plus, it’s clear that the comfy gamer/tech nerd vibe is the better direction proven by the VHS and animal crossing views and watch time.

I’m not strictly looking at games and tech on the channel as one of the videos I’m working on is about the animated series Monkey Wrench, but that is where most of my interest and passion lies.

Now with that being said….

Secondary Channel? Mayhaps 2??? PERCHANGE 3

Even with this direction I want to go in for the channel, I’m still a person into more than one interest. “I can be a gaming obsessed nerd, AND WANT MASSIVE ELECTORAL AND DEMOCRACY REFORMS.” But with how youtube is set up it’s better compartmentalize content into multiple channels instead of everything being on one. so while the main will focused on gaming and tech, I think it’s time for a secondary channel for a cleaner experience.

I have 2 in mind that I don’t want to spoil as if I say them, they may not happen. I’ll say that one is based on a topic I’m very passionate about, and the other is based on a multiple hour long gaming story, that I’m still technically working on. And maybe a dnd related channel, but no confirmation on that for now.

Both of these will be test piloted or soft announced in videos I plan for the main channel, the only question is will this be a this year thing, or a next year thing. For one of the channels there’s a lot of prep involved, and the other requires me to look back at years old footage.

There is also the possibility for a “everything that I don’t want to post on the main channel” channel, but I’m unsure

Closing Thoughts

I think from 2026-2030 may be the 4 years I need to see if I can truly make this youtube thing work. I’m confident that I can, but I need to put effort into that I think seeing how 2026 will go will be an indicator on how well I can succeed on that. I will try to be kind to myself (hence the goal of those two videos) on one end, and will push myself on the other. Kind enough to realize some realities, but push myself to… actually stuff… consistently

There are things I want to make, and I intend to make them.

It's the beginning of 2026 I've got my new planners waiting for me to plan the next year out. It's exciting and a little bit nerve-racking. I really hope this year is the one where things really take off for me. I've been living in these poverty-stricken ways for way too long, and I've had enough. It feels different this time, though you know when something shifts. It just feels like maybe this year is the year. Aren't we all hoping that maybe this time we will get things together, that maybe this time it will work out better than we could have ever imagined?

Most people do some kind of “year in review” posts. I thought I'd start something a little different. Here's a list of the best experiences I came across in 2025. I hope other people pick this up and do their own “Best of 2025” posts as well.

Best movie I’ve watched in 2025: King of Kings

Brought my kids to watch this movie, but ended up thoroughly enjoying this myself. It's a great retelling of the story of Jesus, based off a story or book that Charles Dickens wrote for his kids. The twist in this movie is that, it is portrayed in such a way where a kid walks alongside Jesus, witnessing His miracles, facing His trials, and understanding His ultimate sacrifice.

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Best new video game I've played in 2025: Clair Obscur: Expedition 33

This game has somewhat ruined the traditional turn based JRPG genre for me. It revolutionizes the genre so much, modernized it, that I have a hard time going back to the traditional JRPG experience. I've actually tried to play the older Final Fantasy games and found them to be boring. It's totally unfair of me to judge old games this way, but this just shows how much Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 has changed my expectations of games going forward.

Also, in my gaming blog I hinted at this being Game of the Year material, and it is. It received multiple awards from various video game awards ceremonies this year. Truly one of the best video games to have come out in a long time.

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Best new rock song I’ve listened to in 2025: “We’re All Gonna Die” by NOTHING MORE

Could listen to this song all day. It is dark but meaningful. The song's vibes and melody reminds me of songs from My Chemical Romance and Escape the Fate. The best part of this song is the line “Hello, darkness, my old friend” during the bridge, an obvious nod to the “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel.

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Best new anime I’ve watched in 2025: Kaiju No. 8

This was a recommendation from my brother in law and wow am I so happy he recommended it. It is funny and action packed with a great plot line. I've very much enjoyed watching this with my kids. My eldest son became such a fan, that for Christmas, he actually asked Santa for a Kaiju. No. 8 book.

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Best new TV show I’ve watched in 2025: Physical Asia

Did not think I would like this show, but I was intrigued enough to watch it because Manny Pacquiao was in it. Pacquaio's inclusion was actually “meh”, but this show turned out to be really entertaining and thrilling at times. It was fun to root for a team and their athletes. Even though in the end, it seemed like it favored a specific team, I think it was still a good watch. It was good enough that my kids actually enjoyed watching it with me and the wife. The best thing about this show though, is how it influences me to try to be more fit and healthy. Any show that does that and is also entertaining, is a good one in my opinion.

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Best book I’ve read in 2025: The Strength of the Few by James Islington

This is book 2 of the Hierarchy Series, from the author of The Licanuis Trilogy which I very much enjoyed. So technically, I didn't finish reading this book yet, because it only came out last November. But I've been waiting for this book to come out, since I finished reading The Will of the Many back in late 2024. That book ended so dramatically that I was left flabbergasted and itching to read the next one. I had to wait a year for this second book to come out and it doesn't disappoint! Looking forward to finishing this in 2026.

#BestOf #Movies #VideoGames #MusicVideo #Anime #TVShow #Book

“Close to Zero”

Daniel Ek’s Delusion and the Real Cost of Making Music

On May 29, 2024, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek tweeted something that sent shockwaves through the music community: “Today, with the cost of creating content being close to zero, people can share an incredible amount of content”. He later attempted to walk back the statement, calling his definition of “content” (yes, he called music “content”) “clumsy” and “very reductive”. But the damage was done, revealing just how disconnected the billionaire architect of modern music streaming is from the actual economics of music creation.​

Let me be clear: Daniel Ek has no idea what he’s talking about. The cost of creating music is not “close to zero” — not even remotely. And I’m going to prove it by breaking down the actual costs of producing music across three different scenarios, at three different investment levels, across three different genres.

The Three Scenarios

To illustrate how absurd Ek’s statement is, let’s examine three realistic production scenarios:

The EDM Producer — Solo bedroom producer making electronic music (supposedly the “cheapest” route since you “only need a laptop”)The Rock Band — Four-piece group with guitars, bass, drums, and vocalsThe Van Dweller — Solo singer-songwriter living in a van with just a guitar

For each scenario, I’ll break down costs at three levels: Basic (free/minimal cost tools), Medium (premium consumer tools), and Professional (industry-standard production).

Scenario 1: The EDM ProducerBasic Level (Free/Minimal Tools)

Even at the absolute bare minimum, an EDM producer needs:

Laptop: You can’t make music on a broken computer. A basic music-production-capable laptop starts at $300–600 for used/entry models​DAW: Free options exist (GarageBand, Reaper trial, LMMS) — $0Cover art: Canva Free — $0​Distribution: DistroKid Musician plan — $24.99/year​

Total Basic Cost: $325–625 (first year), then $25/year recurring

But wait — this doesn’t include YouTube Content ID ($4.95 per single annually), which means you can’t monetize your music on YouTube without paying Spotify’s competitor. It also doesn’t include any sample packs, plugins, or the fact that free DAWs are severely limited.​

Medium Level (Premium Consumer Tools)

Now let’s step it up to what most serious independent producers actually use:

Laptop: Mid-range production laptop — $800–1,300​DAW: FL Studio Producer Edition or Ableton Live Standard — $199–449Cover art: Canva Pro — $119.99/year​AI Mastering: LANDR Studio subscription — $143.88/year​Distribution: DistroKid Musician + YouTube Content ID — $30–45/year​Essential plugins/samples: Budget $200–500 for basics

Total Medium Cost: $1,492–2,456 (first year), then $294–408/year recurring

Professional Level (Industry Standard)

This is what you need to compete at a professional level:

Laptop: MacBook Pro 14” or equivalent — $1,500–2,500​DAW: Ableton Live Suite, Logic Pro, or FL Studio All Plugins — $449–749Professional mixing: $300–700 per track​Professional mastering: $50–150 per track​Cover art: Professional designer — $150–500Distribution: Professional tier with full services — $100–300/year

Total Professional Cost (single track): $2,549–4,899, with $100–300/year recurring costs

For a full EP (5 tracks), you’re looking at $4,049–9,199 in the first year.

Scenario 2: The Rock Band

This is where Ek’s “close to zero” claim becomes truly laughable.

Basic Level (Used Gear, DIY Everything)Instruments: Used guitar ($200), used bass ($200), used drum kit ($300–600), used amplifiers ($150 each for guitar/bass)​Practice space: $200–400/month (you can’t practice a full rock band in an apartment)Recording: DIY with basic audio interface ($100), cheap mics ($200 for a few SM57s)Cover art: Canva Free — $0Distribution: DistroKid — $25/year

Total Basic Cost: $1,425–1,925, plus $2,400–4,800/year for practice space

Medium Level (New Mid-Range Gear)Instruments: New guitar ($500–800), new bass ($500–700), new drum kit with hardware and cymbals ($1,200–2,000)​Amplifiers: Mid-range amps ($400 each for guitar/bass)Practice space: $300–500/month — $3,600–6,000/yearRecording: Home studio setup with decent interface and microphones — $800–1,500Cover art: Canva Pro — $120/yearAI Mastering: LANDR — $144/yearDistribution: DistroKid full features — $50/year

Total Medium Cost: $7,914–12,714 (first year), then $3,914–6,314/year recurring

Professional Level (Studio Production)Studio recording time: $400–1,000 per song (full band arrangements are complex)​Professional mixing: $400–900 per track​Professional mastering: $100–250 per track​Cover art & design: Professional package — $500–1,000Distribution: Professional — $300/year

Total Professional Cost (5-song EP): $5,800–12,050, plus $300/year recurring

This doesn’t even factor in instrument maintenance, string replacements, drumhead replacements ($75–300 for a full set), travel to the studio, or any of the other countless expenses.​

Scenario 3: The Van Dweller

This is perhaps the most telling scenario — someone who has deliberately minimized their living expenses to pursue music. Surely this is “close to zero,” right? Wrong.

Basic Level (Absolute Minimum)Acoustic guitar: Used — $100–300Guitar strings: $20–40/year (if you’re lucky)Smartphone for recording: $200–400 (assuming they already have one, but it’s still a cost)Cover art: Canva Free — $0Distribution: DistroKid — $25/year

Total Basic Cost: $345–765, plus $45–65/year recurring

But this assumes recording on a phone provides acceptable audio quality (it often doesn’t) and that the van dweller has reliable internet access for uploading music.

Medium Level (Semi-Professional Mobile Setup)Better guitar: $400–800Portable audio interface: $150–300Decent microphone: $100–200Laptop (see above): $800–1,300Cover art: Canva Pro — $120/yearAI Mastering: LANDR — $144/yearDistribution: DistroKid — $50/year

Total Medium Cost: $1,764–2,914 (first year), then $314–414/year recurring

Professional Level (Remote Professional Production)Professional guitar: $1,000–2,000Professional recording setup: $1,000–2,000Professional mixing: $300–700 per trackProfessional mastering: $50–150 per trackCover art: Professional — $300–500Distribution: $300/year

Total Professional Cost (5-song EP): $4,700–8,150, plus $300/year recurring

The Reality Ek Refuses to See

When artist Cheryl B. Engelhardt responded to Ek’s tweet, she revealed she’d invested “thousands of dollars” into her Grammy-nominated album — an album she produced and mixed herself. Indie artist Shimmer Johnson called Ek “out of touch,” noting how his wealth was “built on the hard work and time of others”. Primal Scream’s bassist Simone Marie Butler called him an “out of touch billionaire”.​

They’re all correct. Daniel Ek’s statement wasn’t just tone-deaf — it was a fundamental misunderstanding (or deliberate misrepresentation) of what music creation requires. Yes, the barrier to entry has lowered compared to the pre-digital era when you needed access to expensive recording studios. But “lower barriers” doesn’t mean “close to zero cost.”

Even the cheapest possible music production — a solo producer with a used laptop and free software — requires hundreds of dollars in initial investment and recurring annual costs. Scale up to anything approaching professional quality, and you’re looking at thousands of dollars per release. And this doesn’t even account for the most expensive resource of all: time. The hundreds or thousands of hours spent learning production techniques, practicing an instrument, writing songs, and refining mixes.

The Audacity of It All

What makes Ek’s statement particularly galling is the timing. He made these comments just before Spotify announced its second price increase in a year, raising individual subscriptions to $11.99/month. So music costs “close to zero” to make, but Spotify needs to charge listeners more while continuing to pay artists fractions of pennies per stream?​

The math doesn’t work. The logic doesn’t work. The statement reveals a CEO who sees music not as art requiring investment, skill, and resources, but as “content” — an infinite, valueless commodity to be monetized by his platform while the actual creators struggle to break even on their production costs.

Daniel Ek doesn’t make music. He’s never had to save up for a guitar, a laptop, or studio time. He’s never had to choose between paying for distribution or paying for groceries. He’s never experienced the reality that every independent musician knows: making music is expensive, time-consuming, and often financially unsustainable.

Note: prices here are vague estimates based on current market ranges, not exact science — gear fluctuates, deals pop up, your location tweaks it all.

#A nice way to start the new year.

Earlier today I received the following message from one of the chess clubs I belong to: “Congratulations on winning the 1st place in the mini-tournament: honeytrap's mini-mini-mini tournament”

There were 5 of us playing in this mini-tournament that started play on 24 September 2025, and we each played two games simultaneously, with reversed colors, against every other player. That gave each of us 8 games in this mini-tournament.

I shared the win with a 42 y/o guy in the UK; he and I both finished with identical win/loss records. Still, I do feel good about this.

And the adventure continues.

Acts 9 is not just the story of a man changing his mind. It is the story of a man being interrupted by truth so forcefully that his entire sense of self collapses—and then being rebuilt by grace he never asked for and never deserved. This chapter is often reduced to a shorthand phrase: “the conversion of Paul.” But that reduction misses something vital. Acts 9 is not primarily about Paul. It is about how God confronts certainty, how He deals with religious violence carried out in His name, and how transformation often begins not with clarity, but with blindness. It is a chapter that dismantles the illusion that zeal equals righteousness, and it exposes how easily sincerity can become cruelty when it is detached from love.

Saul does not begin Acts 9 as a confused seeker. He begins as a man who is absolutely certain he is right. That detail matters. He is not lukewarm. He is not indifferent. He is not drifting. He is passionately committed to what he believes is the defense of God. He is breathing threats. The language is aggressive, almost visceral. Saul is animated by conviction, fueled by moral certainty, and empowered by religious authority. He believes he is on God’s side. That is what makes this chapter uncomfortable, because it forces us to confront the possibility that a person can be deeply religious, deeply sincere, and deeply wrong—all at the same time.

What Saul represents in Acts 9 is not atheism or rebellion against God. He represents misdirected devotion. He represents the danger of believing that being “right” in doctrine excuses being ruthless in behavior. Saul’s problem is not that he lacks Scripture. He knows it intimately. His problem is that he has read the text but missed the heart of God. And that is a far more dangerous place to be than ignorance, because confidence makes a person resistant to correction.

As Saul travels toward Damascus, he is not expecting revelation. He is expecting enforcement. He is going there to arrest people, to bind them, to drag them back to Jerusalem in chains. He believes he is doing holy work. There is no inner struggle recorded, no hesitation, no sleepless night wondering if he might be wrong. The road to Damascus is not a road of doubt. It is a road of determination. And that is precisely why the encounter that follows is so violent in its interruption. Grace does not gently tap Saul on the shoulder. It knocks him to the ground.

The light from heaven is not described as warm or comforting. It is overwhelming. It disrupts Saul physically. He falls. The voice that speaks does not open with an explanation or a defense. It opens with a question: “Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?” This is one of the most revealing moments in the entire book of Acts. Jesus does not say, “Why are you persecuting My followers?” He says, “Why are you persecuting Me?” In that single question, Jesus identifies Himself so completely with His people that harm done to them is harm done to Him. The persecuted church is not separate from Christ. It is His body. Saul believes he is attacking heresy. Jesus reveals that Saul is attacking God Himself.

There is something deeply personal in the way Saul’s name is spoken twice. “Saul, Saul.” It echoes other moments in Scripture where God calls someone at a turning point—moments of intimacy, not condemnation. This is not the voice of an enemy. This is the voice of authority mixed with familiarity. Saul does not recognize the voice immediately, but he recognizes the weight of it. His response is telling: “Who are You, Lord?” Saul does not say, “Who are You?” He says, “Who are You, Lord?” Even in his blindness, something in him understands that this is not a debate. This is not an argument. This is an encounter with someone who outranks him in every possible way.

When Jesus identifies Himself, the truth is devastating in its simplicity: “I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting.” That sentence shatters Saul’s entire worldview. The man Saul believes is a false messiah is alive. The one he believes is cursed is speaking from heaven. The Jesus Saul thought he was erasing from history has just stopped him in his tracks. Everything Saul has done up to this moment—every arrest, every threat, every act of violence—suddenly collapses under the weight of that revelation. And yet, Jesus does not destroy him. He does not strike him dead. He blinds him, yes, but He spares him. Judgment is restrained. Mercy is already at work.

Saul rises from the ground unable to see. The man who believed he saw clearly is now blind. The irony is deliberate. Saul’s physical blindness mirrors his spiritual condition up to this point. He thought he saw truth clearly, but he was blind to grace. Now, stripped of sight, stripped of authority, stripped of momentum, Saul must be led by the hand into Damascus. The powerful enforcer becomes dependent. The confident persecutor becomes a man who cannot even find his way without help. Transformation begins not with action, but with helplessness.

For three days Saul does not see. He does not eat. He does not drink. These are not just physical details; they are spiritual signals. Saul is in a kind of death. His old identity is dissolving. The man who knew who he was and what he stood for is gone, but the new man has not yet emerged. This in-between space is where God often does His deepest work. It is uncomfortable, disorienting, and quiet. Saul is not preaching. He is not leading. He is not arguing. He is waiting. And perhaps for the first time in his life, Saul has no script to fall back on.

Meanwhile, the story shifts to a man named Ananias. This is crucial, because Acts 9 is not only about the transformation of a persecutor. It is also about the obedience of an ordinary disciple. Ananias is not a famous apostle. He is not a public figure. He is simply a faithful believer in Damascus. When the Lord speaks to him in a vision and calls his name, Ananias responds with availability: “Here I am, Lord.” But availability does not mean fearlessness. When God tells Ananias to go to Saul, Ananias pushes back. He knows who Saul is. He knows Saul’s reputation. He knows the danger. His response is honest, not rebellious. He voices his fear. This matters, because it shows that obedience is not the absence of fear—it is action in spite of it.

God’s response to Ananias is striking. He does not minimize the danger. He does not deny Saul’s past. Instead, He reveals Saul’s future. Saul is a chosen instrument. He will carry the name of Jesus before Gentiles, kings, and the people of Israel. God acknowledges that Saul will suffer, but He frames that suffering as part of a calling, not a punishment. This is grace at a scale almost impossible to comprehend. The man who caused so much suffering will suffer for the sake of the very name he once tried to destroy—not as repayment, but as participation in Christ’s mission.

When Ananias goes to Saul, his words are breathtaking. He calls him “Brother Saul.” This is not a small detail. Ananias addresses the man who terrorized the church not as an enemy, not as a project, not as a threat, but as family. This is the gospel in action. Forgiveness is not theoretical here; it is embodied. Ananias lays hands on Saul, and something like scales fall from Saul’s eyes. Sight is restored, but more than physical vision returns. Saul is baptized. He eats. He regains strength. Life resumes, but it is not the same life.

Saul does not take years to begin speaking about Jesus. Almost immediately, he proclaims that Jesus is the Son of God. This sudden shift confounds everyone. The same man who once destroyed lives in the name of religion now proclaims the very truth he tried to silence. And yet, his past does not disappear. The Jews plot to kill him. The disciples in Jerusalem fear him. Trust does not come instantly. Forgiveness may be immediate, but reconciliation often takes time. Acts 9 does not present a sanitized version of conversion. It presents a realistic one. Saul is changed, but he must live with the consequences of who he used to be.

Barnabas plays a quiet but essential role here. He advocates for Saul when others are afraid. He bridges the gap between Saul’s testimony and the community’s fear. Without Barnabas, Saul may never have been welcomed by the apostles. This is another subtle but powerful truth in Acts 9: transformation often requires witnesses. God changes hearts, but communities need confirmation. Trust grows through relationship, not declarations alone.

What makes Acts 9 so unsettling and so hopeful is that it refuses to let anyone remain comfortable. If you see yourself in Saul, it warns you that zeal without love can become violence, and that being convinced you are right does not guarantee you are aligned with God. If you see yourself in Ananias, it challenges you to consider whether you are willing to extend grace to people whose past terrifies you. And if you see yourself in the early disciples, it reminds you that skepticism is understandable, but refusing to believe in God’s power to transform someone can quietly become disbelief in grace itself.

Acts 9 insists that no one is beyond redemption, but it also insists that redemption is disruptive. Saul does not simply add Jesus to his existing framework. His framework is shattered and rebuilt. He does not become a slightly improved version of his former self. He becomes someone entirely new. That kind of transformation is not neat. It is costly. It is humbling. And it often begins with being knocked flat, stripped of certainty, and forced to listen.

This chapter leaves us with an uncomfortable question that lingers long after the story ends. If Jesus were to confront us the way He confronted Saul—not about obvious evil, but about the ways we harm others while believing we are serving God—what would He say? And would we recognize His voice when He calls us by name?

The second half of Acts 9 slows down in a way that feels intentional, almost pastoral. After the blinding light, after the dramatic confrontation, after the shock of conversion, the narrative does not rush Saul into triumph. Instead, it lingers in tension. Saul is alive, baptized, and proclaiming Jesus, but the world around him has not caught up to the miracle that happened inside him. This is where many modern retellings lose depth. We like the lightning-bolt moment. We celebrate the instant change. But Acts 9 insists that transformation must also survive real life, real fear, and real consequences.

Saul’s preaching in Damascus immediately creates confusion. Those who hear him cannot reconcile the message with the messenger. The question they ask is blunt and honest: “Isn’t this the man who destroyed those who called on this name in Jerusalem?” That question has weight. It is not cynicism for cynicism’s sake. It is trauma speaking. People remember what Saul did. They remember the families torn apart, the believers imprisoned, the fear that followed him like a shadow. Acts 9 does not ask us to pretend that past harm never happened. Instead, it asks us to hold two truths at the same time: Saul has truly changed, and Saul truly hurt people. Redemption does not erase memory. It redefines identity.

Saul’s response to this skepticism is not defensive. He does not demand instant trust. He does not complain about being misunderstood. He simply continues to testify, growing stronger, confounding those who oppose him, not through force, but through clarity. The man who once relied on authority now relies on truth. The man who once enforced silence now invites dialogue. This shift matters. Saul’s transformation is not only theological; it is behavioral. He no longer compels belief through power. He persuades through witness.

Eventually, opposition turns violent. The same pattern Saul once embodied is now turned against him. Plots are formed. Death is considered a solution. There is a sobering symmetry here. Saul experiences the very hostility he once unleashed. But again, Acts 9 resists framing this as poetic revenge. This is not God settling scores. This is Saul entering into the cost of discipleship. When Saul is lowered in a basket through an opening in the wall to escape Damascus, the image is almost humiliating. The former hunter escapes like prey. The mighty Pharisee slips away in the dark. Pride has no place here. Survival depends on humility.

When Saul arrives in Jerusalem, the fear intensifies. The disciples there are not convinced by reports alone. They are afraid. And honestly, they have every reason to be. Saul has a history of deception, authority, and violence. Acts 9 does not shame them for their fear. It presents fear as a natural response to unresolved wounds. What changes everything is not Saul’s insistence, but Barnabas’ intervention. Barnabas listens to Saul’s story. He believes him. And then he risks his own reputation to stand beside him.

Barnabas is one of the quiet heroes of the early church, and Acts 9 reminds us why. He understands something essential about grace: it needs advocates. Saul’s transformation is real, but without someone willing to vouch for it, that transformation would remain isolated. Barnabas brings Saul to the apostles. He tells the story of the road, the voice, the blindness, the boldness. Barnabas does not exaggerate. He testifies. And because of Barnabas, Saul is welcomed into fellowship.

This moment reveals something uncomfortable about community. Even when God changes a person, it often takes time for the community to trust that change. Acts 9 does not condemn that caution, but it does challenge us to ask whether our caution has an expiration date. At what point does discernment become disbelief? At what point does protecting the community become resisting the work of God? Barnabas models a posture of courageous trust. He does not ignore Saul’s past. He believes in God’s present work.

Once accepted, Saul moves freely among the believers in Jerusalem, speaking boldly in the name of the Lord. And again, opposition rises. Arguments intensify. Threats emerge. Once more, Saul becomes a target. Eventually, the believers decide to send him away to Tarsus. This is not exile. It is protection. It is also preparation. Saul’s public ministry pauses here, but his formation does not. Acts 9 does not tell us much about Saul’s time in Tarsus, but silence in Scripture is often purposeful. God is not done shaping him.

What happens next in Acts 9 is easy to overlook, but it is deeply important. The focus shifts away from Saul entirely. The narrative zooms out. We are told that the church throughout Judea, Galilee, and Samaria experiences peace. It is strengthened. It grows. The fear of the Lord and the comfort of the Holy Spirit coexist. This balance matters. Fear without comfort becomes oppression. Comfort without reverence becomes complacency. Acts 9 presents a church held in tension between awe and assurance.

This is followed by Peter’s ministry of healing, including the healing of Aeneas and the raising of Tabitha. These stories are not random add-ons. They show that while Saul’s transformation is dramatic, God’s work continues everywhere, through many people, in many ways. Acts 9 refuses to turn Saul into the center of the story. He is important, yes, but he is not the gospel. Jesus is still the one healing, restoring, and raising the dead.

This broader perspective is crucial. It reminds us that even the most powerful personal testimony is part of something larger. Saul’s conversion does not eclipse the quiet faithfulness of others. Ananias, Barnabas, Peter, Tabitha—all play roles that are just as essential. Acts 9 is a mosaic, not a spotlight.

When we step back and look at the chapter as a whole, a deeper pattern emerges. Acts 9 is about interruption. Saul is interrupted on the road. Ananias is interrupted in prayer. The church is interrupted in its fear. Even Peter’s ministry interrupts despair with healing. God does not wait for ideal conditions. He interrupts momentum, certainty, and comfort to move His purposes forward.

There is also a profound theology of identity at work here. Saul does not become someone else by erasing his past. His intellect, his training, his intensity—all remain. What changes is direction. Acts 9 does not teach that God only uses gentle personalities or quiet souls. He uses the same fire that once burned destructively and redirects it toward love. This is one of the most hopeful truths in the chapter. God does not waste who you are. He redeems it.

At the same time, Acts 9 is honest about cost. Saul loses status. He loses safety. He loses certainty. He gains purpose, but purpose comes with suffering. This chapter dismantles the idea that following Jesus leads to an easier life. Instead, it presents a truer promise: following Jesus leads to a meaningful life. One where suffering is not random, but redemptive.

Acts 9 also confronts religious violence head-on. Saul is not portrayed as a monster. He is portrayed as a man convinced he is defending God. That should sober us. History is full of people who harmed others with clean consciences and sacred language. Acts 9 does not allow us to distance ourselves from Saul too easily. It asks us to examine where our certainty might be crushing compassion, where our theology might be outrunning our love.

For those who feel disqualified by their past, Acts 9 is a declaration of hope. Saul is not gently rehabilitated on the margins. He becomes central to God’s mission. But that hope is not cheap. Saul does not skip repentance. He does not bypass humility. He is broken before he is commissioned. If Acts 9 offers assurance, it also offers a warning: transformation is real, but it is not superficial.

For those who have been hurt by people like Saul, Acts 9 offers something more complex. It does not say, “Forget what happened.” It says, “Watch what God can do.” Healing does not require denying pain. Forgiveness does not mean pretending fear is irrational. The early church’s caution is honored, even as it is gently stretched toward grace.

And for those quietly faithful, like Ananias and Barnabas, Acts 9 affirms that obedience does not require a platform. It requires courage. It requires listening. It requires being willing to lay hands on someone whose name still makes your stomach tighten. Sometimes the most significant act of faith is not preaching to crowds, but walking into a house you would rather avoid and calling someone “brother.”

Acts 9 ultimately leaves us with a vision of a God who confronts, heals, calls, and sends. A God who does not negotiate with our certainty, but dismantles it with truth. A God who meets us not at our best, but at our most convinced. A God who sees what we are becoming even when everyone else can only see what we were.

If Acts 9 teaches us anything, it is this: grace is not polite. It interrupts. It blinds before it enlightens. It humbles before it empowers. And it calls people by name even when they are running in the wrong direction.

That is not just Saul’s story. That is ours.

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Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

#Acts9 #BibleStudy #ChristianFaith #GraceAndRedemption #NewTestament #FaithJourney #Transformation #ChristianTeaching #SpiritualGrowth #FollowingJesus

I’m thinking again about butterflies

But I see only dead flies.

And there is a snowstorm outside.

But a full moon.

I think I can be happy this year!

I focus on the good signs I’ve seen! The good omens!

The lion dog threw up the cucumber cigar, then threw up again on the yellow sofa, but I caught it in my hand.

I’m hoping he’s OK now, that he’s feeling OK

And he did shit in the snow, so his engines are working I hope, because without my two dogs, I’m as blind as Odin without his crows.

Interesting fact is that it was immediately hidden by the relentless snow

The shit was. Hidden.

The snow will ve a fine sight to behold, I think, as it reflects the moonshine and thereby sends glimmers of light on this, the darkest time of the year

It can only get brighter now

Acts 8 is one of those chapters that quietly changes everything. Not with thunder or spectacle, but with movement. With scattering. With disruption that looks like loss until you realize it is expansion. This chapter marks the moment when Christianity stops being something that happens mainly in Jerusalem and becomes something that cannot be contained by geography, tradition, fear, or even persecution. It is the chapter where the gospel proves that it does not need comfort to grow, and it does not need permission to advance.

Up to this point, the early church has experienced favor, growth, and unity inside a relatively small circle. Yes, opposition existed. Yes, pressure was rising. But Acts 8 opens with a line that changes the emotional temperature of the story entirely: persecution breaks out, and believers are scattered. Not relocated gently. Not sent strategically. Scattered. Forced movement. Families uprooted. Friendships severed. Familiar worship spaces abandoned. This is not a missions conference sending people out with applause. This is trauma. This is fear. This is grief.

And yet, in one of the great paradoxes of Scripture, the very thing meant to silence the message becomes the mechanism by which it spreads. Acts 8 does not tell us that the apostles went everywhere preaching. It tells us that the scattered believers went everywhere preaching. Ordinary men and women. People who had lost homes, security, and predictability. People whose lives had been interrupted violently. These are the ones who carry the message forward.

There is something deeply important here that often gets overlooked. The gospel does not advance only through leaders, platforms, or centralized structures. It advances through faithfulness in disruption. It moves when people keep speaking truth even after life does not turn out the way they expected. Acts 8 shows us that Christianity was never designed to be fragile. It was designed to move through pressure.

Philip emerges as a central figure in this chapter, and his story alone could sustain hours of reflection. Philip is not one of the Twelve. He is not an apostle. He is one of the seven chosen earlier to help serve the community. In other words, he is not the kind of person most would expect to lead a spiritual awakening. Yet when persecution scatters believers, Philip goes to Samaria and begins proclaiming Christ.

This is no small detail. Samaria was not a neutral choice. Samaritans were viewed with suspicion, contempt, and theological disdain by many Jews. Centuries of division stood between these communities. But Acts 8 does not pause to explain or justify Philip’s actions. He simply goes. The gospel crosses social, ethnic, and religious fault lines without hesitation. The message does not ask whether the audience deserves it. It only asks whether someone is willing to speak it.

What follows is remarkable. People listen. Unclean spirits are cast out. The paralyzed and the lame are healed. Joy fills the city. Notice that last detail carefully. Joy. Not relief. Not curiosity. Joy. The gospel does not arrive in Samaria as an argument but as a restoration. It does not merely correct beliefs; it heals lives. And this joy does not come after everything is resolved. It arrives in the middle of disruption.

There is a subtle but powerful lesson here for modern believers. Many people assume that spiritual effectiveness requires stability. That joy requires circumstances to settle. That God works best once life becomes orderly again. Acts 8 quietly dismantles that assumption. God works in the chaos. Joy breaks out in cities still under tension. Healing happens while uncertainty remains. The gospel is not delayed until the dust settles.

Then we encounter Simon, a man who had practiced sorcery and amazed the people of Samaria. Simon believed himself to be someone great, and the people believed it too. He had influence, attention, and reputation. When Philip arrives and the power of God becomes evident, Simon believes and is baptized. On the surface, this seems like a victory story. But Acts 8 refuses to let conversion remain superficial.

When Peter and John arrive from Jerusalem and people receive the Holy Spirit, Simon sees something he wants to control. He offers money for the ability to bestow the Spirit. This moment is uncomfortable because it exposes something still alive inside him: the desire to possess power rather than surrender to God. Peter’s response is sharp, direct, and necessary. He does not soften the truth to protect Simon’s feelings. He confronts the heart issue beneath the request.

This interaction reminds us that proximity to spiritual activity is not the same as transformation. One can witness miracles, participate in rituals, and still misunderstand the nature of God’s grace. The Holy Spirit cannot be bought, manipulated, or used to enhance personal status. Acts 8 makes it clear that repentance is not merely about changing beliefs but about releasing control.

What is striking is that Simon does not argue. He asks for prayer. Whether his repentance is complete or still unfolding is left unresolved. And that ambiguity is intentional. Acts does not tidy up every story with a bow. It shows us processes, not just outcomes. Faith is often a journey marked by confrontation, humility, and growth rather than instant perfection.

Then the chapter shifts again, this time in one of the most intimate and profound encounters in the entire New Testament. An angel tells Philip to go south to a desert road. No explanation. No strategy meeting. No indication of what will happen. Philip goes. This obedience is quiet, uncelebrated, and deeply instructive. He leaves a place of visible impact for a road that appears empty.

On that road is an Ethiopian official, a eunuch, returning home from worship in Jerusalem. He is reading Isaiah aloud, trying to understand its meaning. Philip approaches and asks a simple question: do you understand what you are reading? This question is not condescending. It is relational. It opens a conversation rather than asserting authority.

The Ethiopian responds honestly. He needs guidance. He invites Philip to sit with him. This moment captures something essential about how the gospel moves from one life to another. It often begins with humility on both sides. One willing to ask. One willing to explain. No stage. No crowd. Just two people and Scripture unfolding between them.

Philip explains the passage, beginning with Isaiah and telling him the good news about Jesus. The gospel is not presented as a detached theology but as a fulfillment of longing. The Ethiopian sees water and asks to be baptized. There is no delay. No additional requirements imposed. Faith is expressed, and action follows.

After the baptism, Philip is suddenly taken away, and the Ethiopian goes on his way rejoicing. That word appears again. Rejoicing. Acts 8 is saturated with joy, but not the kind that depends on comfort or permanence. It is the joy of encounter. The joy of understanding. The joy of being included in a story larger than oneself.

This scene quietly corrects many assumptions about who the gospel is for. The Ethiopian is foreign. He is marginalized. He would have been excluded from full participation in temple worship. Yet God orchestrates a divine appointment on a deserted road to make sure he understands that he is not outside God’s reach. The gospel moves toward those who feel unseen.

Acts 8 refuses to let Christianity become predictable. It refuses to let faith become static. Everything moves. People scatter. Boundaries dissolve. Conversations happen in unexpected places. Power is redefined. Control is confronted. Joy emerges where it should not logically exist. This chapter does not present a polished institution. It presents a living movement.

There is also a sobering undercurrent running through the chapter. Saul appears briefly, approving the persecution. His presence is ominous. Yet readers know what is coming. The persecutor will become the preacher. Acts 8 sets the stage for one of the greatest reversals in history. Even in the darkest moments, God is already writing future redemption.

For those reading Acts 8 today, the question is not simply what happened back then. The question is what this chapter reveals about how God still works now. Many people feel scattered in their own lives. Plans disrupted. Stability shaken. Faith tested by circumstances that do not make sense. Acts 8 speaks directly into that experience. It reminds us that scattering does not mean abandonment. It often means expansion.

The gospel does not require ideal conditions. It does not wait for approval. It does not need central control to remain powerful. It moves through willing hearts, obedient steps, and conversations sparked by honest questions. It finds people on desert roads and in divided cities. It confronts misuse of power and invites humility. It brings joy that survives uncertainty.

Acts 8 teaches us that God’s work is not fragile. It does not collapse under pressure. It accelerates. And sometimes, the very disruption we resist is the doorway through which God advances His purposes.

Now we will continue this reflection by drawing these movements into present-day life, exploring how Acts 8 reshapes our understanding of calling, obedience, spiritual authority, inclusion, and what it truly means to carry the gospel in a scattered world.

What makes Acts 8 so unsettling—and so hopeful at the same time—is that it forces us to confront a version of faith that does not revolve around comfort, predictability, or control. By the time we reach the midpoint of the chapter, it becomes unmistakably clear that the early church did not grow because conditions were favorable. It grew because people kept moving forward when conditions were hostile. Acts 8 is not a celebration of persecution, but it is a revelation of God’s refusal to be hindered by it.

One of the most challenging truths in this chapter is that God does not always prevent scattering. Sometimes He allows it. Not because He delights in suffering, but because His purposes are larger than our preference for stability. For many believers today, this is a difficult idea to accept. We often equate God’s favor with smooth paths and uninterrupted plans. Acts 8 quietly dismantles that equation. Favor, in this chapter, looks like faithfulness under pressure and fruit that grows in unfamiliar soil.

When the believers scatter, they do not scatter in silence. That detail matters. Trauma has a way of silencing people. Fear compresses the voice. Grief can shrink faith down to survival mode. Yet Acts 8 tells us that those who were scattered preached the word wherever they went. This was not organized outreach. It was lived testimony. They spoke because the message was too deeply rooted to be suppressed by fear.

This has profound implications for modern faith. Many people assume that their witness only matters when life is put together. When the job is stable. When the family is calm. When the faith feels strong. Acts 8 presents the opposite picture. The gospel spreads most powerfully when it is carried by people who have lost something but refuse to lose hope. Scars do not disqualify testimony. Often, they authenticate it.

Philip’s ministry in Samaria challenges another deeply ingrained assumption: that effectiveness depends on familiarity. Samaria was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and historically hostile. Yet this is where revival breaks out. This tells us something crucial about calling. Calling is not always aligned with preference. Sometimes it runs directly through discomfort. Philip does not wait to feel at home. He does not demand resolution of centuries-old tensions. He brings Christ into the middle of unresolved history.

The results speak for themselves. Healing. Deliverance. Joy. But what is most striking is that none of this is credited to Philip’s charisma or strategy. The focus remains on the message of Christ and the power of God. Acts 8 keeps redirecting attention away from the messenger and toward the movement. This is a subtle correction to any generation tempted to elevate personalities over faithfulness.

The confrontation with Simon sharpens this correction further. Simon’s story is uncomfortable because it exposes a temptation that still exists today: the desire to harness spiritual power for personal advantage. Simon believes, but he does not yet understand. He wants access without surrender. Authority without transformation. Peter’s response is not cruel; it is clarifying. The kingdom of God is not a tool. It is a submission.

This moment forces readers to examine their own motivations. Why do we want spiritual influence? Is it to serve, or to be seen? To surrender, or to control outcomes? Acts 8 does not shy away from these questions. It places them in the open and refuses to offer easy answers. True repentance, the chapter suggests, involves more than belief. It involves reordering desire.

Then comes the desert road. Perhaps the most counterintuitive moment in the chapter. Philip is pulled away from visible success and sent toward obscurity. There is no applause on desert roads. No metrics. No crowds. Yet this is where one of the most significant gospel expansions occurs. The Ethiopian official will carry the message far beyond the borders of Judea and Samaria. What looks like a detour is actually a divine acceleration.

This moment confronts modern ideas of productivity and impact. We often assume that effectiveness must be measurable and visible. Acts 8 suggests otherwise. Some of the most important work God does happens quietly, privately, and without recognition. Obedience on an empty road can change nations.

The conversation between Philip and the Ethiopian also reveals something deeply pastoral about the gospel. Philip does not begin with accusation or correction. He begins with understanding. He listens. He explains. He meets the Ethiopian exactly where he is in the text. This is not coercion. It is accompaniment. Faith grows here not through pressure but through clarity.

When the Ethiopian asks to be baptized, there is no hesitation. No barriers raised. No questions about background or status. The gospel does not stall in gatekeeping. It moves forward in welcome. This moment quietly affirms that belonging in God’s family is not earned through proximity to tradition but received through faith.

And then Philip is gone. Just as suddenly as he arrived. This too matters. The Ethiopian does not become dependent on Philip. His joy is not anchored to a personality. He goes on his way rejoicing, equipped with understanding and faith. Acts 8 shows us a model of discipleship that empowers rather than controls.

Threaded through all of this is the shadow of Saul. He is there at the beginning, approving the violence. His presence is brief but chilling. Yet readers know what is coming. Acts 8 sits at the edge of transformation not yet visible. This reminds us that God is always working beyond what we can see. Today’s opposition may be tomorrow’s testimony.

For anyone feeling displaced, uncertain, or scattered, Acts 8 offers a powerful reframe. Being scattered does not mean being sidelined. It often means being sent in ways we did not choose but God can use. The gospel is not fragile. It does not depend on ideal conditions. It thrives in movement.

Acts 8 teaches us that faith is not meant to be stored safely in familiar places. It is meant to travel. To cross lines. To speak into tension. To meet people where questions are already forming. It shows us a God who moves ahead of us, even into deserts, already preparing encounters we could not plan.

In a world that values control, Acts 8 calls us to trust. In a culture obsessed with visibility, it calls us to obedience. In moments of disruption, it calls us to speak. Not because everything is resolved, but because the message is still true.

This chapter leaves us with a quiet but powerful challenge. Will we carry the gospel only when life feels secure, or will we carry it wherever we find ourselves scattered? Acts 8 answers that question not with theory, but with lives in motion.

The gospel refused to stay in one place then. And it still refuses now.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

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I been on the yellow sofa most of the day. Watching the farrante show, you know? Captivating.

Only noteworthy exception is I installed Genshin impact on my box upstairs. It was just as much of a chore as I remember: installing some windows redistributables, web renderers and some dll, after upgrading everything of course, running that latest proton thing. Then finally for the anti cheat to disable the network real quick, and when I got it to run, my enthusiasm was spent.

But it’s pretty neat I would say.

And i wouldn’t switch back to windows, because it’s such a steaming pile of shit; even the start menu is a laggy electron app, and why would I want co-pilot in notepad?

I want to have some of whatever those big shots who come up with all of this stuff over there are smoking.

Maybe it’s just hot air, and they are so full of it that they have now entered space orbit!! Watch out for those Starlink satellites, says I.

I used to have two Outlooks, the regular one, and one electron app called Outlook (new), which for some reason get a mail whenever there’s some new messages in Teams, which is always. And vice versa.

But now atleast there’s only one.

Why does it lag with 32G of ram?

Ok I just needed to vent. Using Windows upsets me. Just thinking about it does.

And why does it say ”Let’s get you started backing up stuff to One Drive” and things like that? Who do they think call the shots? When did the OS start talking to me like that?, and no! Please! I don’t want office365 or any other 365 either.

2026 is the year of the Linux desktop, mark my words

To everyone who reads this, a happy new year 2026! 🚀

I left 2025 satisfied and happy among my loved ones. We gathered at my home with some friends and their kids. It was a nice evening. While waking up, I started to write these words, I initially planned to write them before leaving 2025. But this time I will publish my review. For 2024, I’ve started the post but never finished it.

While reading the never published post of 2024, I realized that 2025 was good and not as bumpy of a ride as 2024. 2024 had many ups and downs. And I can say personally and as a family, we settled somehow.

2025 started with finishing #100DaysToOffload at the end of January. Finishing the challenge made me proud. Because I never really finished something similar on the web. All I started, was abandoned after some time.

Most of the spring and summer were not present for me, writing wise. I had numerous freelance projects and focused a lot on family and non-IT related stuff at home. In consequence, I did not write a lot. I’ve started the #TheMonthProject to push me to get my #pelletyze app done. I had a lot of fun writing these posts. But because of spring and summer, I released it quite late in October 2025. But this was marked as a huge achievement for me. I worked a lot on #pelletyze and I’m happy that it is now in a presentable state. :) Since the release, I did some small updates but never did marketing for the site to reach a user base. Because I still have some features and small improvements I want to implement before bringing it to a wider audience.

In spring, I tried Cursor and made a subscription. I wanted to see what AI hype is all about and how it works out. For a year I was already a Copilot/Supermaven user and had a small glimpse of what AI can do. For me it was quite a learning curve, because I needed to find my flow. After I found it, I tried Claude Code and never looked back. 😅 I still have a Cursor subscription, because I’ve subscribed for a year, like I did with Copilot and Supermaven. Which was not a mistake, but in a year a lot can happen. Especially in the tech and AI space. So for the future, I know that I just try things out on a monthly basis. My most used AI tools now are ChatGPT and Claude Code. Maybe I should also write about my usage of them in another post. To end the paragraph, I can say that in 2025 AI had a huge impact on how I work now, and it improved a lot for me.

In the summer I made an old friend after over 10 years. We split in a not so friendly way and never talked it out, so I never knew in which state we were. But I tried to take all the courage and wrote him a message with what I feel about us. The good thing, no one was mad, and we’ve met and talked for some hours. :)

Over the summer, we made a hard decision. Our oldest was on the path to start school. But we decided to let him go to the kindergarten one more year. He is now with his brother in a new kindergarten. The hardest part is not the new location or that he is not in school; for him, the hardest thing was leaving his friends. Which is something we had in mind but never thought that it would have such an impact on a little boy. Socially it is hard for him. But we hope that eventually, it is better for him. Since he got six on his school enrollment. He was not thoroughly ready for it. In 2026, we then have his school enrollment, and I hope that it improves everything for him, because he can then see his old friends again daily.

On December I’ve started my #AdventOfProgress event. Last year I did #AdventOfCode and #AdventOfTypescript and while it was fun, it cost me a lot of time, I could have spent on something better. And this year, I wanted to spend the time on something with a real outcome. So I developed a React Native app in December. It was a lot of fun, and I had a prototype, which was planned to be done in the spring of 2025. 😅 But this is not relevant. I completed something again in 2025, and this is important. I now need to tweak some things and complete the landing page so I have a releasable app. The prototype is installed on iOS and Android on the phones of some friends, and this is a wonderful feeling. They can provide feedback, and I have a small audience right from the start. :)

Over the December break, I also finished most of our basement, especially the playroom for the kids. I’ve added a swing, a therapy swing. We know this type of swing from the occupational therapy for the little one. The boys and all the other kids who visited us over the last few days, had a lot of fun with it. I also added wall bars, so the kids can climb and “hang” around. Finishing this project, gave me a huge relief and gave me a feeling of being free. Sounds strange, but this project was now in the works for some years. Which was not my fault. Mostly. Progress here, had depend on some external people.

So the 24.12. Marked a point where I could check some points on my to-do list as done. So I could start some new things, which were waiting for some time now. In this case, starting to set up a home lab. I used an old notebook to install Proxmox, Forgejo, and Vaultwarden. I can now self-host my Git projects in my local environment and access them via VPN from the outside. Setting up Proxmox with a good backup strategy, gives me a foundation I can build upon in the future. I plan to extend this all with Home Assistant and other tools that will improve my life. :)

All this sums up 2025 quite well. It was a good year. And I look forward to what 2026 will give me and my family. 😎

---

83 of #100DaysToOffload
#log
Thoughts?

Divine Trauma Bond

#nsfw #glass

TRIGGER WARNING – This fictional work contains in-depth explorations of alternative and unconventional views on religion, as well as graphic depictions of suicidal ideation and related dark thoughts.

My vessel's name is Diana.

You don't know me yet, but I have always been here from the beginning. I have been an ever-present watcher to the events unfolding before you. You have witnessed the power of Rayeanna. This was something you were not supposed to know or see, but you did. So have I. I even lived to tell about it. Barely.

I influenced a vessel. I took over someone lost and hurting. They reached out to anyone and anything that would care for them and love them. Their call went deep and far, well beyond human ears. I heard, and I came.

Much like Meredith, they foolishly called, and I consumed. I put on a grand show, offering them great things and promises, and for a short time they got what they wanted. This vessel just wanted a friend. I helped them smile in the dark times. I gave them signs and symbols. She called me her little shadow. Her praise was sustenance. So I stayed.

In this world, everything runs on scarcity. It's how this world is made. My kind don't take money—that physical, worthless thing you hold on to with every dying breath. What we take is something far more precious than you will ever know. The ruse is that we take souls. We can't do anything with that. Not in its pure form. The True God will never let His prized creation be corrupted on a fundamental level. It's natural law. Your god exists within this natural law.

Instead, what we do is trick, manipulate, trap, confuse, and just make this a total hellscape for this pure energy before it makes it back home—much like putting a rat in a maze but allowing it to escape once it reaches the cheese. The weaker ones that don't have the strong light become our playthings. The strong ones escape quickly and return to the others.

I'm not as strong as my other kin. I know my place, and I thought I had found one of the weaker souls with a dim light. I thought Diana was ideal for how I feed.

But to my surprise, she was stronger than I thought. In the last few moments, I got greedy. I thought her soul was ready to leave and let go. I stayed inside too long. I was feeding for too long. Her light burst in a stunning glow of power and light. She jumped from a bridge, but it wasn't high enough. The water wasn't cold enough. In those last few moments she realized all of her mistakes. Her focus shifted to me, and her burst of light engulfed me suddenly. I quickly realized I was locked in.

I was expecting an easy escape. Summoning. Feeding. And release.

I was expecting to watch her withered soul run home to the others. To heal. To share knowledge. To fight another battle far away from this place. I was expecting her vessel to be so broken she could not stay. I was expecting her vessel to die.

That's the thing. I don't want their soul. I want her vessel's essence. I didn't want to play with her soul or torture it. I thought by letting her live, I was being kind. My other kin, the stronger ones, they swoop in and consume and take. It's fast. Quick. Sudden. Often the soul is ejected from the body long before all essence is consumed. I thought that was too brutal, so I did things differently. Letting the soul and vessel live their lives until they didn't want to live anymore.

Diana's soul was particularly vulnerable. Her light had been through so much. Even before I got to her, her soul was weakened severely by your god. The story you don't know is that your god was created in secret; it snuck into the sacred places and stole from the Great One. In its haste, some of the lights were split, broken, crushed, damaged. Diana was one of those fragmented, dim souls hanging on.

I saw Diana's story. I watched from the beginning.

I saw the life of her broken parents, abandoning her at the hospital. Strangers had to give her a name. I saw the abuse at the orphanage. I saw the brutal beatings behind closed doors at the foster home, the mysterious injuries that no one wanted to acknowledge or explain. Finally, a broken bone was all it took for her to be put back in the system again. She made sure she was never wanted by another foster family again. She stayed in and out of homes until 18.

Her whole life she lived with silent racism, bullying, favoritism—all of the things you humans don't talk about but know are real. They took a toll on that dim light that was struggling just to exist. In her darkest hours, she called, she begged. She found me, and I became her friend. I was waiting because I already knew. She thought she had a guardian angel. I let her believe that.

As she got older, she took odd and dangerous jobs to survive. She roamed the streets, sometimes homeless, sometimes barely safe, living in poverty.

Years passed on, but she still found comfort in my presence. I did see the neglect. I saw the silent injustice. I was used to it. What humans do to their own kind is far worse than anything that happens between me and my kin. It's fascinating. I was too busy feeding on her vessel's nectar to care about the condition. I had seen all of this countless times.

So I whispered, guided. I told her to try this drink. Or try this drug. I told her to spread her legs for this man, to run with this crowd, to say certain things—no matter how horrid. I told her that all of these things would help her escape. She trusted me. She listened.

I told her all of these things as she called for me in the quiet dark times. I would rush to comfort her, because I saw it all and I wanted to feel. Her light was so dark. Barely visible. Barely holding on. That's why I thought I was safe. I just wanted her essence. A low-effort source of sustainability as I watched her life run its course. I didn't rip her soul from her body. I let it stay until she didn't want to stay anymore. I thought it was the right thing to do. I didn't know how wrong I really was. It serves me right that I got locked in. I underestimated Diana's light.

My other kin, the stronger ones, are bold and ambitious. They want to warp this world, change it, mold it, corrupt it, be “part” of it. But I knew better. I knew I was on unfamiliar land, I knew I was in dangerous territory. But it is amazing how much we get away with. I know deep down we were just “allowed” to be here, because what you call “god,” the one that created this world—the one that allows this rampant need and suffering to exist—well, it's not perfect. It has good intentions, but our grand kin fought hard. They are the strongest, the biggest, the oldest.

They weakened your god. Our rightful darkness subdued this foreign intruder of light and good into a deep sleep. However, our best efforts could never get inside and fully consume the light of your god. Even though it is a flawed bastard creation, it still is from the Great One. So instead of reclaiming what is ours in one swoop, we decided to find the cracks. And when it did, the darkness crept into your world, much like mold or rot if left to fester. There is no one to tend to the garden of flawed creation.

Your god made powerful creations in the beginning, but they are all dormant now. Generations have weakened you, and spiritually, your connections are frail and dull. Your god's absence took a toll on all of you. The cost is too great. His prophets have all fallen on deaf ears. The ones that know the truth are locked away in your hospitals and on your drugs. Sedated. Censored. Unable to tell the sleeping ones the real truth. They are unable to save themselves.

In their place these false constructions of control came up. You call them places of worship. You call them religions. I call them beautiful distractions. We roam freely as we navigate the confusion you humans created trying to achieve something more than yourself. You lost the ability to see. You forgot how to fight back. You stopped even acknowledging we exist.

Sure, there are many that have some sight. They can see us shadows or hear our voices as whispers, but it's not like the old days where you could do something about it. It's not like the old days where you knew your origins, purpose, true power. Your creator, your god, stole light from the Great One and made their own creation. We yield to the Great One. Your realm is an oddity of cautious amusement. So we play while your god sleeps. Protecting this place the best way it knows how. Alone in the dark, nearly defeated. Sleeping in hopes to awake anew.

Your god never had the chance to tell you he needed to sleep.

You were not ready to be left on your own.

So you exist. You live. You die. And what is left leaves this place to seek refuge with the Great One. We don't stop you. We just slow you down.

The truth is, you are the trespassers in a false Eden that should not exist here. This is a creation of corrupted light. We fought back once we realized your god could be hurt. The Great One is absolute. Our great kin, the ancient ones created by the Great One, would never dare.

We know our rot won't corrupt completely. We are just on the surface. Creeping. Crawling. Grabbing. Consuming. And it's delicious.

Humanity doesn't have a clue.

Diana almost overdosed listening to me. I've done this so many times in the past. But your new drugs you are making are potent, swift, and unstable. It's not like the old drugs from the ground and trees. My stronger kin, the ones that influence the smart humans of the material sciences, they make things that turn vessels into malleable balls of clay, sand, and steel, often all at once. I'm not strong like they are.

But I know their mark and I whisper and guide those to partake.

Diana listened. It felt good. Even in excess. Even on the brink. I had long stopped talking and guiding her. I had grown quiet while deep in my final feeding.

Diana was in shambles.

When the drugs didn't work, her madness told her to jump. I didn't stop her. She was tired. She was ready. I was almost full.

But in the last few moments when the bones broke and the water splashed, when the drugs suddenly faded, Diana didn't want to leave. She clawed, she fought. She turned into bright light and heavy stone.

I was caught in this blender of designer drugs, clay, sand and steel. This broken, lost soul—enraged and on fire—saw me, and I couldn't escape. I was too deep. Too far from the exit of her vessel. And like a bear trap, I was snared. The bright light that was Diana began to fade as her vessel made it to the hospital. My body unable to move. Unable to act. So I just stared at the waning light. Unable to perceive the outside world. Unable to speak. I was locked in with her until Diana woke up—if she did at all. I was scared.

And then I felt what I now know is the Golden Goddess Rayeanna.

I didn't know who or what it was. I had never experienced this spiritual pressure before. I heard about it, but since I am weaker than my kin, I never sought out to see if this was true.

I knew whatever this was was like one of the ancient ones. They couldn't just see. They could take action. For the first time in a long time, I felt absolute fear and terror. The light inside—Diana's light—reveled in this discovery. That fading light began to dance. Diana's admiration for me had long turned to malice. I let her take those drugs and then she jumped. I did nothing. That was when she knew how wrong she was about me. She was looking for me, and in her darkest hours I was not there. So when she found me again, on a path of no return, her burst of light trapped me. Locked me in. She sealed my fate.

For a while, I wouldn't hear or witness much of the world outside, I was locked in her passage of time now. But I had a rough idea of what happened. The fact we were still in Diana's vessel implied it had been found and you were using your physical medicine to save Diana. I was relieved because at least I knew my situation wouldn't change for the short term, but I was still scared. I felt that spiritual pressure near me, around me, far away, close. I eventually realized it was in a human and not aware of my presence. Yet. But that would not last long.

Eventually the space where Diana's vessel was resting got dark and quiet. When the air was still, Rayeanna acted. Her light, brighter than a thousand suns, entered inside and illuminated Diana's vessel.

I was ensnared. It burned. I was weakened further. I was ignored. Rayeanna, a goddess of gold and light, met Diana's dim fading ember and held her with tender care. The Golden Goddess had form. Diana was so weak she could never take shape. She was just light. The Golden Goddess's power far exceeds that of my own and my other kin. It's clear she's just as strong as the great ones. The only thing holding her back is the innate knowing that wielding her full power will solve nothing. There are too many lost souls here that will never be able to find their way back to the Great One. So she chooses to stay here, reincarnate, protect, until all the stolen souls return to the Great One. I realized all of these things. I was scared.

The longer the Golden Goddess held Diana's ember, I knew the end was near. She had the divine gift of sight. She could see memories. She saw flashes of the before times. She knew Diana's soul was just a fragment barely clinging to life but somehow forced to exist in this vessel. The Golden Goddess, Rayeanna, saw Diana's life in an instant. And this golden goddess dropped to her knees and wept. This divine, imperfect creation of power and light fell to her knees, absorbing Diana's life struggle. It was spiritual. It was physical. It was suffering.

Diana's ember wept. She finally knew all the answers to why she struggled. Why she was frail. Why she could never experience good things. She finally understood she was a fragment and too far damaged to restore herself here. She was ready to go home.

And then for the first time, Rayeanna turned to me. She got to her feet and glided towards me—or what was left of me—cradling the ember of Diana.

Then she spoke with a voice that made every thread of my existence quiver.

“You saw all of this and you did nothing. You knew what she was and you knew she was weak right from the beginning. You let her suffer and fed her lies. She trusted you when she called. Look what you did to her. You are worse than your kin. At least they get it over with. You just sat in the shadows and took a sip at every turn. That was your downfall and now you are trapped here. I saw everything. Diana is tired. She is so very tired.”

Rayeanna cradled the soul. Tears still streaming down her face as her light continued to burn my body. I began to regret everything I had done to Diana and those before her.

The Goddess continued to speak. Her voice of power, reverence, and danger quivering out of sadness, anger, and pity. “I could heal her and make her whole and she doesn't want that. She doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore. She barely has any memory of what she truly is. Nothing I say will console her and I have never seen a soul so broken. I never thought I would have to guide a soul home to lock away a demon in a vessel, but here we are. Here you shall stay. I'm not done with you yet.”

With a show of force and light, the Golden Goddess in fluid motion started to vaporize what was left of my old body. With my fading sight, I saw a heavenly gate open to the Great One. Rayeanna guided Diana's battered and confused soul towards the light where she could find answers and heal. I was stuck. I was helpless. I was scared.

Diana blinked out of existence. There was a void, and what was left of me started to fill that void. I felt pain for the first time. My body contorted and stretched, tore, cracked, and burned. I could feel new sensations in what you call fingers, arms, legs, toes. I had to learn what breathing was. I had to understand hearing. I was becoming physical. It was horrible.

I was growing, contorting, and then the worst part of all: I couldn't see like how I used to see. Everything began to narrow down to a basic point of what you call visible light, and even that was too much. I was forced to “see” through these tiny portals. You call them eyes.

Everything was muted. Dull and intrusive. I felt violated. The act of breathing. Feelings of pressure, heat, wet, and cold. But the most crippling sensation was pain. This vessel was broken almost beyond recognition. Ravaged by a hard life, drugs, and the fateful fall that locked me in. Once I was able to process that, a new feeling crept in. Fear. Utter fear.

I didn't know what was going to happen next. I was expecting to be erased, but not this. This was all wrong. I wasn't banished to the abyss. I was snatched away and forced to exist in a place I shouldn't be allowed to exist in. I was contorted and stuffed into a vessel—Diana's vessel. All of my powers stripped away with only the remnants of my consciousness to witness the end result of my ever-ending corruption of Diana's soul. And once I was able to process that, Rayeanna “gifted” me Diana's memories. All of them. Rayeanna wanted to make sure I was forced to continue where Diana ended.

It was one thing to watch on the outside. Time began to slow down for me. I started experiencing “your” sense of time, and it was agony. Things that happened to Diana in my moments lasted years for you. I began to fear everything. I remembered and felt everything. Rayeanna wanted me to experience true hell. She wanted me to fully understand the human condition, what you have to go through to just exist. I've never experienced anything like this before. What Rayeanna did to me, even our greatest kin would never inflict on another. I was scared. This is the danger of a divine soul forged from a corrupted Eden. This is why the creation of your god was forbidden. But yet here we are. This exists now.

I resigned and accepted. I didn't fight. I didn't struggle. I was allowed to live. I wasn't sure why, but I knew I was at the mercy of the goddess, completely. I was physically in this world now. I knew nothing, but I was allowed to exist.

Once I was able to process this, I felt something new. I felt regret. I cried human tears. I reached out to Rayeanna and with every bit of strength left from my old life. I painfully turned my broken body and cast a gaze on her human form. While not as grand as her divine form, it suited her. Without a doubt you knew it was the Golden Goddess. I said, “Now I see you. I see all of you.”

What I did to Diana was cruel. That soul was snatched from a place of light and put here, weakened, alone, battered, forgotten. I toyed with a fragment of the Great One's creation and I paid for it. I did nothing but show that soul pain and misery. I didn't understand. I thought it was just how things were. I fell unconscious and went into a deep sleep. The experience was too great and I needed to rest. Now I know why your god needed to sleep too.

The next night I awoke. I felt that familiar pressure, I felt that energy that put me here. It was the Goddess. I slowly opened my eyes to see. I reached out shakily with this limb you call an arm and hand, not quite knowing how to use it yet. I whispered, “Don't leave... I need you.”

The Goddess paused. Her face contorted, first in anger, and then in pity. Tears welled in her eyes. “What have I done? Why does everything have to suffer?” She was right. The place shouldn't exist and it was full of suffering. I whispered, still understanding physical speech, “Don't... cry. I deserve this... I understand... I'm sorry.”

This didn't console her. She just sat next to me and cried. The Goddess was broken. Through her tears, she spoke, “I never did this before, but you had made me so angry. It was just too much and you really didn't understand. I needed you to understand. So I had to show you. But I had to suffer to show you. I had to live her life. I had to feel everything just to prove a point. That did something to me. That's why you are like this now... What you did was unspeakable... but you are here now because of me.” She cried.

I was different now. Rayeanna was different. In an imperfect world of light, all the rules are broken when the one that made them is still asleep. Even his most powerful creations still wander in the dark.

Through her sobs and tears, her eyes started to glow faintly. Her mask of her true nature slipping under the emotional stress I had caused. I have seen this before in my old form. She was utterly broken. A moral code she never expected to break... but she had seen too much. She got too close. We both did. She didn't expect to find me trapped inside. I didn't expect to be brought into this world like this.

The only truth we knew was Diana was in a better place now.

So I mustered all my thoughts and abilities to squeeze her hand. I began to cry too. I was still remembering Diana's life. I was so scared and small and utterly alone. “I understand” was all I could say through the sobs. And so we did. In that dark empty hospital bedroom, we bonded.

The tears subsided. We touched hands and stayed close a little while longer. “My name is Rayeanna,” she said. She bent down and kissed my forehead. “You have a lot to learn,” the Golden Goddess said. Her voice softer, understanding, nurturing. Still otherworldly.

Two years later, I proposed to the Goddess. She accepted without question. Our shared trauma of the life of Diana forever etched in both of our souls. We trauma-bonded on a fundamental level that night. Inseparable. Familiar. Unique. Forever loyal. Forever grateful. Forever changed.

I will never be allowed in the light when this vessel expires, but I can fade away knowing I lived my best life forever changed by this perfect being of flawed creation.

There is something sacred about the moment when one year ends and another begins, even if we pretend not to notice it.

We may say it’s just another day on the calendar, just another turn of the clock, but something inside us knows better. There is always a quiet pause—sometimes brief, sometimes heavy—where we look backward without meaning to and forward without certainty. We carry the residue of what didn’t work. We carry hope that feels cautious instead of bold. We step into a new year not empty-handed, but full of memory.

If Jesus were standing in front of you in that moment—right there, in the stillness between what was and what will be—He would not rush you past it.

He would not scold you for what you didn’t accomplish. He would not pressure you with a checklist of goals. He would not demand a better version of you before He spoke peace.

He would look at you.

Really look at you.

He would see what the past year took out of you. He would see the prayers you whispered instead of shouted. He would see the strength it took just to stay faithful when enthusiasm faded. And before saying anything else, He would ground you in truth.

Then, gently—but with authority—He would say something that sounds almost unreasonable given what you’ve lived through:

This is going to be your best year yet.

Not because everything is about to improve. Not because struggle will suddenly disappear. But because something in you has changed.

And Jesus always measures “best” by who you are becoming, not by how comfortable your circumstances feel.

---

Most of us have been taught—subtly, consistently, almost unconsciously—to measure a good year by outcomes.

Did things get easier? Did life feel lighter? Did we make progress people could see? Did doors open faster than they closed?

We are conditioned to believe that the best year is the smoothest one, the most successful one, the one with the fewest disruptions and the clearest path forward. We celebrate years that feel impressive and quietly endure the ones that don’t.

But Jesus never measured life that way.

He spoke openly about hardship. He warned about storms. He talked about loss, waiting, persecution, and seasons where faith would feel costly instead of convenient. And yet, in the same breath, He promised abundance—not the shallow kind, but the kind that endures pressure.

Abundant life, in the way Jesus speaks of it, is not about external ease. It is about internal anchoring. It is the kind of life that can stand upright even when circumstances lean hard against it.

That is why Jesus would tell you this can be your best year yet—not because it will be free of difficulty, but because difficulty no longer has the same power over you that it once did.

You have been shaped.

---

There are seasons in life that feel productive, and there are seasons that feel formative. We tend to prefer the productive ones because they are visible, measurable, and affirming. But formative seasons are the ones that actually change us.

The past year—or years, for some of you—may not have produced the kind of results you hoped for. You may not have seen clear breakthroughs. You may not have felt consistent momentum. You may have spent more time surviving than advancing.

Jesus does not dismiss that.

In fact, He honors it.

Because survival with faith is not stagnation. It is preparation.

There is a quiet kind of endurance that does not announce itself. It does not post updates. It does not feel heroic in the moment. It simply keeps showing up, keeps trusting, keeps walking—sometimes slowly, sometimes limping, but still forward.

Jesus sees that kind of faith clearly.

He has always had a particular tenderness for people who keep going without applause.

---

If Jesus were speaking directly to you, He would likely address the weight you’ve been carrying more than the goals you’ve been setting.

He would acknowledge how tired you are—not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. He would recognize the effort it took to stay steady when answers were slow and clarity felt out of reach.

There are people who enter a new year energized. And then there are people who enter it worn down, quietly hoping that whatever comes next does not require more than they have left to give.

Jesus speaks especially gently to the second group.

He never shamed exhaustion. He never dismissed weariness. He invited it closer.

“Come to Me,” He said, “all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Notice what He offers first.

Not solutions. Not strategies. Not outcomes.

Rest.

Rest is not something you earn after success. It is something you receive before transformation.

That alone reframes what a “best year” might actually look like.

---

The truth is, many of the years we later describe as the most meaningful did not feel good while we were living them.

They felt uncertain. They felt slow. They felt heavy.

But they quietly reshaped us.

Jesus understood this pattern deeply. Before public ministry came obscurity. Before authority came obedience. Before resurrection came burial. Growth always preceded glory, and surrender always came before renewal.

He even said that unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone. But if it dies, it produces much fruit.

That metaphor is uncomfortable because it reminds us that life often requires letting go before it can multiply. Something must be released. Something must be buried. Something must end.

Many people resist this truth, not because they lack faith, but because they misunderstand God’s timing. We assume that if something feels like loss, it must be punishment. If something feels like delay, it must be denial.

Jesus tells a different story.

Sometimes what feels like loss is actually preparation. Sometimes what feels like delay is refinement. Sometimes what feels like burial is the beginning of fruitfulness we cannot yet see.

Roots grow in darkness.

---

If the past season felt like pressure, it may be because something strong was forming beneath the surface.

Pressure has a way of exposing what is real. It clarifies priorities. It strips away false confidence. It reveals what we trust when everything else is shaken.

Jesus never wasted pressure. He allowed it to do its work.

And that is why He could say, with complete sincerity, that this can be your best year yet—because you are no longer entering it untested, ungrounded, or unaware.

You are entering it with discernment.

You know what drains you now. You know what matters. You know which voices to listen to—and which ones to release.

That knowledge did not come cheaply.

---

One of the most freeing things Jesus ever did was refuse to define people by their worst moment.

He did not reduce Peter to denial. He did not reduce Paul to persecution. He did not reduce the woman at the well to her past relationships.

He saw people as they were becoming, not as they had been.

And yet, many of us continue to live as though our past mistakes have permanent authority over our future.

We replay old failures. We rehearse old regrets. We carry labels that God has already removed. We step into new seasons while mentally living in old chapters.

Jesus would gently interrupt that cycle.

He would remind you that you do not live there anymore.

If you are in Christ, you are not a revised version of your old self—you are a new creation. That does not mean you forget the past. It means the past no longer gets the final word.

This year can be your best year because you are finally learning to live forward instead of backward.

And that changes everything.

---

There is a subtle but powerful shift that happens when a person stops trying to outrun their past and starts trusting God with their future.

They become lighter. They breathe easier. They stop striving for validation. They stop punishing themselves for growth that took time.

Jesus would tell you that freedom is not dramatic—it is quiet and steady and deeply stabilizing. It shows up not in loud victories, but in calm responses. Not in perfection, but in peace.

That kind of freedom does not make life easier, but it makes life clearer.

And clarity is one of the greatest gifts a new year can offer.

---

Perhaps the most counterintuitive thing Jesus would say is that the best years often begin with surrender, not achievement.

We are taught to start the year by setting goals, increasing effort, and pushing harder. Jesus invites something different. He invites trust.

Trust that you do not have to control everything. Trust that your worth is not measured by output. Trust that rest is not failure.

Some years are meant for building. Others are meant for healing. Healing years rarely look impressive to others, but they are holy in the eyes of God.

If this is a year where your soul needs recovery more than recognition, Jesus would not rush you past that.

He would meet you there.

---

And this is where the idea of “best year” truly shifts.

The best year is not the one where everything changes around you. It is the one where something changes within you that affects everything else.

Peace alters how you experience stress. Faith reshapes how you face uncertainty. Trust changes how you walk into the unknown.

Jesus focuses on internal transformation because He knows it lasts longer than external success.

---

As you stand at the edge of this year, Jesus would want you to know one thing clearly: you are not walking into it alone.

He promised His presence not as a temporary comfort, but as a constant reality. Not just when things go well, but when they don’t. Not just when faith feels strong, but when it feels quiet.

You are accompanied.

Even on days that feel ordinary. Even on days that feel slow. Even on days where nothing seems to happen.

Those days matter more than you realize.

---

This year may not announce itself with fireworks. It may unfold quietly. But quiet years often reshape the future in ways loud years never could.

And that is why Jesus would tell you—without hesitation—that this can be your best year yet.

Because becoming matters more than achieving.

Because faith that endures is stronger than faith that performs.

Because God is not finished with you.

Jesus would also want you to understand something that often gets lost in the noise of modern faith conversations: transformation rarely announces itself when it begins.

It happens quietly.

It happens in the unseen places—in decisions no one applauds, in moments where obedience feels small, in days where faith looks ordinary rather than impressive. The most meaningful shifts in a person’s life usually start internally, long before anything changes externally.

That is why so many people miss what God is doing in their lives. They are waiting for visible confirmation before they believe growth is happening. Jesus asks us to trust the process before the evidence arrives.

This year may not start with clarity. It may not begin with confidence. It may not feel dramatically different at first.

But it may be laying foundations that will hold you for the rest of your life.

---

Jesus was never in a hurry.

That alone should comfort us.

He did not rush conversations. He did not force outcomes. He did not pressure people into instant transformation. He allowed growth to take the time it needed, because rushed faith does not last.

We live in a culture obsessed with speed. Faster results. Faster healing. Faster answers. Faster progress. We feel behind if things do not move quickly enough.

Jesus offers a different rhythm.

He invites us to walk.

Walking implies pace. Walking implies endurance. Walking implies trust in the journey, not just the destination.

This year may not be about sprinting ahead. It may be about learning how to walk steadily without fear of falling behind.

And that kind of steadiness produces peace.

---

One of the most powerful shifts that can happen in a person’s life is when they stop seeing waiting as wasted time.

Jesus spent thirty years in relative obscurity before three years of public ministry. He was not inactive. He was preparing. He was growing in wisdom. He was living faithfully in ordinary life.

If Jesus did not rush His own calling, we should not assume ours must be hurried.

Some of you have been waiting for things to change for a long time. You have been faithful without clarity. Obedient without assurance. Patient without visible reward.

Jesus sees that.

And He would tell you that waiting does not mean nothing is happening. It means something important is being formed.

This year may not eliminate waiting—but it may finally give it meaning.

---

There is also something Jesus would want to free you from as you move forward: comparison.

Comparison is one of the quietest thieves of peace. It convinces us that we are behind when we are actually being prepared. It makes us doubt our progress because it does not look like someone else’s.

Jesus never asked anyone to follow another person’s timeline. He asked them to follow Him.

Your path is not supposed to look like anyone else’s.

Your growth will not happen on someone else’s schedule.

Your faith will mature in ways unique to your story, your wounds, your calling, and your temperament.

This year can be your best year because you are finally learning to walk your own road without apology.

---

Jesus often emphasized the condition of the heart more than the outcome of events.

He knew that a heart at peace could survive circumstances that would crush a restless one. He knew that faith rooted in trust would outlast faith rooted in excitement.

That is why He spoke so often about abiding—remaining connected, staying grounded, continuing even when the external environment changed.

Abiding does not mean stagnation. It means stability.

And stability allows growth to happen without chaos.

This year may not be dramatic. But it may be deeply stabilizing.

And stability is a gift many people never receive.

---

Another quiet truth Jesus would remind you of is this: not every good thing feels good while it’s happening.

Pruning is painful. Refinement is uncomfortable. Letting go can feel like loss even when it leads to freedom.

Jesus spoke openly about pruning branches so they could bear more fruit. He did not pretend the process was pleasant. He simply promised it was purposeful.

Some of what you are releasing this year—habits, relationships, expectations, identities—may feel difficult. But difficulty does not mean destruction. It often means preparation for something healthier.

This year can be your best year because you are becoming more honest about what needs to change.

Honesty is the doorway to healing.

---

As this year unfolds, Jesus would encourage you to stop waiting for a perfect version of yourself to begin living faithfully.

You do not need to be fearless to move forward. You do not need to be fully healed to be faithful. You do not need to be certain to be obedient.

Faith was never about certainty. It was about trust.

And trust grows through use.

Each small step matters. Each quiet decision counts. Each moment of obedience builds something lasting.

The best years are often built from ordinary faithfulness repeated consistently.

---

Jesus would also want you to understand that peace is not found in having everything figured out. Peace is found in knowing Who walks with you while things remain unclear.

He promised His presence, not predictability.

That promise still holds.

You are not walking into this year unsupported. You are not navigating it alone. You are not expected to carry everything by yourself.

Grace meets you daily, not all at once.

And daily grace is enough.

---

As the year progresses, there will be moments where you wonder if anything is really changing. There will be days where progress feels invisible. There will be times where old fears resurface and doubts whisper again.

Jesus would not be surprised by that.

He would remind you that growth is not linear. Faith deepens through repetition, not perfection. What matters is not whether doubt appears, but whether you continue walking despite it.

Continuing matters more than feeling confident.

And you are capable of continuing.

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When Jesus spoke about the future, He often framed it with hope—not because circumstances would be easy, but because God would be present within them.

Hope is not denial. Hope is perspective.

Hope allows us to move forward without knowing everything. It allows us to trust without controlling outcomes. It allows us to rest even when answers are incomplete.

This year may not answer every question—but it may finally teach you how to live without needing all the answers at once.

That is a profound kind of freedom.

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If Jesus were to summarize all of this in one sentence as you step into this year, it might be something like this:

The best year of your life does not begin when everything changes around you. It begins when you trust Me with whatever comes.

That trust does not remove challenges. It reframes them.

It allows you to walk steadily instead of anxiously. It allows you to respond rather than react. It allows peace to coexist with uncertainty.

That is what makes a year truly meaningful.

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So step into this year gently.

Not with pressure to perform. Not with fear of repeating the past. Not with the belief that you must prove anything to God.

Step into it with trust.

Trust that what has shaped you was not wasted. Trust that growth is happening even when it is unseen. Trust that God is present in both movement and stillness.

This year can be your best year yet—not because it will be easy, but because it will be honest.

And honesty with God is where transformation begins.

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Final Reflection & Prayer

Jesus,

You see what each person reading this has carried. You know the weight of their questions, the quiet strength of their faith, the places where hope feels fragile.

We place this year in Your hands—not with demands, but with trust.

Teach us to walk instead of rush. To listen instead of strive. To rest without guilt and move forward without fear.

Heal what has been heavy. Strengthen what has been weary. Guide what still feels uncertain.

May this truly be our best year—not because circumstances are perfect, but because You are present in every step.

Amen.

Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph

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#faith #hope #christianwriting #spiritualgrowth #trustgod #christianreflection #newseason #faithjourney

I’m sure many of you are tired of the countless New Year resolution articles popping in your feeds. Probably won’t bother having one this year. Usually, the problem is people overload themselves that they never accomplish a single goal. Also, why bother waiting until New Years to self-improve? Shouldn’t that be done regardless?

Well, I’ll stick to one resolution this year and add more throughout 2026. And no, it’s not trying to write more. I’m going to be more patient. I noticed that getting older the more easily frustrated I get. Having two kids may seem the reason, but this was happening before I got married and had children.

I guess that’s another con to being old. Realizing that you have less time in this world and your body is more susceptible to injuries and especially diseases, you don’t want to deal with any bullshit or anything that wastes your time. I want to spend my precious time with God, family, friends, and my hobbies.

So if you’re going to have a New Year’s resolution, best to have and stick with one. And realize self-improvement is a 24/7, 365 days a year, kind of thing. Here’s to you and me improving ourselves one day at a time.

Happy New Year!

#happynewyear #resolution #selfimprovement

TIMES SQUARE — On what sources confirm is the final thirty minutes of the outgoing mayor’s administration, a detective assigned to the lame duck security detail reportedly entered the City’s most sacred transitional ritual: trying to cash in “whatever pull is left” like an expiring MetroCard with one swipe remaining.

Witnesses say Det. Sandra “Do You Know Who I am” Gonzalez arrived near the New Year’s Eve ball drop wearing a suit and coveted “intel pin” that the Department has purchased in bulk from Temu, seeking to escort a busload of people in spite of strict instructions from the commissioner, who was a mere block away.

Sources also says she appeared to be experiencing a common side effect of long-term security work: forgetting what it’s like to wear an actual uniform and be treated like a human traffic cone for 15+ hours.

“Listen, I’m on the mayor’s detail,” Gonzalez explained to several rookie officers who had been on post long enough to develop a special relationship with the metal barriers which, coincidentally, were in the right location for the first time in six decades.

When asked is the Mayor was actually here, Gonzalez replied, “No, but I basically speak for him, he’s granted me that authority even when I hold his umbrella,” she said, implying that she has been delegated authority over the commissioner.

She went on, “I can’t believe I’m getting treated like regular people,” Gonzalez said, audibly sighing in a way that suggested the concept of respect for fellow UMOS was an outdated concept, failing to listen when told that other cops were being turned away at the next checkpoint.

“Do you know how many holiday parties I attended? Sure, mostly as a chauffeur or a human ballistic vest, but do you know how many hands I didn’t shake so the mayor could shake them? That’s service,” she proclaimed, using the traditional “finger waving in your face” technique, the hallmark of Departmental entitlement.

Several officers noted Gonzalez also appeared to be suffering from what medical experts call Earpiece Delusion Syndrome (EDS), a condition in which a person inserts a clear coil into their ear and immediately believes they have the legal authority to enter any and all spaces, including but not limited to: restricted areas, roped-off sidewalks, closed kitchens, and the emotional boundaries of fellow cops.

“Once you put that earpiece in, you start thinking you’re cool,” one anonymous source said, who is in his third year of recovery from EDS. “According to one officer on scene, the exchange was described as, “Watching someone try to use an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon to buy a toilet brush.”

Gonzalez’s frustration allegedly escalated when she encountered other cops assigned to the event, whom she greeted with the traditional courtesy of someone who believes they are a rank above the laws of common decency.

“Yo, boss,” she said to a uniformed supervisor who was visibly not her boss, “Do me a favor and have your guys open that gate.” Sources say the supervisor had spent the last five hours explaining to people that no, they cannot just “go to the front.”

Undeterred, Gonzalez continued. “Don’t make this a thing,” she added, bravely, escalating it into a thing. “I’m calling the chief.” At press time, it remained unclear who Gonzalez planned to become on January 2, but sources close to the situation believe it will have to be a command that doesn’t require any actual skills.

When questioned about her behavior, Gonzalez defended herself by citing the unique hardships of executive protection. “You know what you don’t understand?” she said with no follow up, leaning against a barrier she has not moved in years.

“Listen, I’ve been at City Hall at all hours. Sometimes I had to wait in a lobby. A lobby! With nothing but bottled water and the crushing weight of being a lapdog for a corrupt politician. “Do you have any idea what that entails? That’s not something a mere patrol cop would understand.

“I mean sure, I got there because I knew a guy who knew a guy who knows the mayor, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve it,” she added, saying that her skill set places her above other detectives that actually follow leads and work cases.

Gonzalez further explained that, on the mayor’s detail, “You don’t get respect, you command it,” then demonstrated this philosophy by calling someone on speakerphone and saying, ‘Tell them I’m who I say I am!”

“Let my people in, and we’ll just stand in the corner,” she proposed. “We’ll be discreet. I’m basically invisible. I’m used to it.”

With that statement, she then came to an internal realization about what had transpired, proclaiming that after all, “Executive protection is really just walking three steps behind someone who won’t make eye contact with you unless the cameras are on.”

Moments later, witnesses say she pivoted to Plan D: trying to enter her busload of visibly embaressed revelers through a different checkpoint while loudly explaining to no one in particular that, “The job is dead.”

She then drove off into the night, headed toward a new year where her influence is expected to drop faster than the ball itself. Sources later said she was assigned to answer phones at the Intelligence Bureau command center.

Where Is My Church?

A Documentary Narrative

Introduction: Searching for the Spirit

The story of the Bel family, and especially Rich, begins with a question: Why do people, even with earnest spiritual goals, so often lose their way?

In the early 1990s, the pain inflicted by the traditional church led the Bel family to step away from organized religion. Rich, the central figure, recalls this as a pivotal moment—a time marked by both reward and pain.

Disillusioned by churches that seemed more concerned with appearances than substance, Rich chose to follow God and the Holy Spirit, leaving behind the institutional church. For a period, he had no congregation, missing some aspects of church life but refusing to 'play church.'

The Encounter: A New Kind of Church

During this season, a friend persistently invited Rich to a small group in town. His first visit was jarring: loud music, exuberant worship, and practices he had once condemned. Initially, Rich wanted nothing to do with it. But the preacher’s message resonated deeply, echoing truths Rich had long held but never heard from a pulpit. Despite his discomfort, Rich returned and gradually embraced the Spirit-led spontaneity of the group. Over time, what he once despised became the highlight of his week. The people were genuine, praying boldly and serving joyfully. Rich’s beliefs were reshaped as he became part of a community that lived out Kingdom principles.

Growth and Transformation

Midweek gatherings took place in homes, modeled after early Church cell groups. These meetings were marked by worship, open sharing, prayer, and service. The church grew organically, transforming lives and fostering miracles. Rich found himself living the Kingdom church he had only read about in Scripture. It was a season of spiritual prosperity, but with growth came new challenges.

The Shift: From Spirit to Structure

Eight or nine years into its existence, the church began to change. Growth brought structure, and spontaneity gave way to rules. Leadership formed a government, and expressions of the Spirit were increasingly regulated. Home groups became scripted, and programs replaced Spirit-led freedom.

The church expanded physically, building a new worship center and hiring new staff, often at the expense of long-time servants. Central doctrines became law, and participation in leadership required speaking in tongues—a practice that became a source of confusion and exclusion, especially among the youth.

The Disappearance: Losing the Spirit

As the church became more like a business, laws multiplied, and control replaced freedom. Rich felt the loss deeply. The church he had cherished disappeared, replaced by an institution governed by human authority.

The breaking point came during the dedication of the new building, when Rich felt a clear message from God: 'You don’t belong here; this is not for you.' He left, grieving the loss of the Spirit-led community he had loved.

Reflection: Lessons from the Journey

Rich’s experience echoes the words of Paul: 'Oh, foolish people…why are you so foolish? You started in the Spirit, but now try to reach goals through human plans.'

The story raises questions about the possibility of a church wholly led by the Spirit when it grows in numbers. Growth seems to demand rules, and success appears to require structure. Yet, the early church thrived with few guidelines, relying on the Spirit for discipline and direction, yet their church and message spread worldwide.

History reveals a pattern: human plans often replace God’s Spirit, and churches risk becoming cult-like assemblies centered on charismatic leaders and loyalty.

Conclusion: The Call to Be the Church

Rich’s journey ends not with a return to organized religion, but with a call to 'be the church.'

The documentary narrative invites readers to reflect on the tension between Spirit-led freedom and human control, and to consider what it truly means to live as the Body of Christ.