It's National Poetry Month! Submit your poetry and we'll publish it here on Read Write.as.
It's National Poetry Month! Submit your poetry and we'll publish it here on Read Write.as.
from
Roscoe's Story
In Summary: * The Texas Rangers winning their exciting game this afternoon put a smile on my face and contributed greatly to this satisfying day in the Roscoe-verse. There are no more scheduled tasks ahead of me as I move through this evening, so I'll be able to structure the few remaining Thursday hours around my night prayers. And after wrapping them up, head to bed reasonably early.
Prayers, etc.: * I have a daily prayer regimen I try to follow throughout the day from early morning, as soon as I roll out of bed, until head hits pillow at night. Details of that regimen are linked to my link tree, which is linked to my profile page here.
Starting Ash Wednesday, 2026, I've added this daily prayer as part of the Prayer Crusade Preceding the 2026 SSPX Episcopal Consecrations.
Health Metrics: * bw= 233.9 lbs. * bp= 145/85 (66)
Exercise: * morning stretches, balance exercises, kegel pelvic floor exercises, half squats, calf raises, wall push-ups
Diet: * 06:00 – 1 banana * 07:00 – 1 seafood salad & cheese sandwich * 07:50 – 1 crispy oatmeal cookies * 09:10 – cole slaw * 09:47 – 1 peanut butter sandwich * 12:00 – egg drop soup, rangoon, beef chop suey, fried rice, fortune cookie * 16:00 – 1 fresh apple
Activities, Chores, etc.: * 04:30 – listen to local news talk radio * 05:35 – bank accounts activity monitored. * 05:45- read, write, pray, follow news reports from various sources, surf the socials, nap. * 08:40 – load weekly pill boxes * 10:00 – listen to the Phil Hendrie Show * 12:00 – watch old game shows, eat lunch at home with Sylvia * 14:00 – following the Texas Rangers vs Oakland Athletics MBL Game * 17:18 – and my Rangers win, final score 9 to 6.
Chess: * 16:00 – moved in all pending CC games
from folgepaula
GITA श्रीमद्भ
I got home, exhausted. Shower and straight to bed. Hair still wet, listening to some Raul’s old songs from my dad’s time.
I’ve walked all over the world looking for it. But in my case, it was precisely in this moment, with my ears still full of water and foam, that a voice told me:
“According to the tibetan monks, this has seven layers of interpretation. You will understand it in the level you can reach.
Sometimes you wonder
why I am so quiet,
I barely speak of love around you
I barely smile by your side.
You think of me all the time,
you eat me,
you spit me,
you leave me.
Perhaps you don’t get it,
but today, I’ll tell you.
I am the light of the stars, I am the color of the moon, I am all the things you love and I am your fear of loving them.
I am the fright of the weak, I’m the strength of your imagination, I’m the bluff of the players, I am, I was and I will be.
I am your sacrifice, I am that wrong way sign on your path, I’m the blood in the vampire’s gaze, I’m all the curses from the one who hate you (obs: and I don’t know why they do, and they don’t know why they do, but they do)
I’m the candle you light up, I am the light you turned off. I am the edge of the cliff calling you, I am all these things and I am nothing at all.
Why do you wonder so much?
Your questions will not bring you anywhere.
Just like you, I am made of earth and fire, and air.
You have me all the time,
but you never know
if it is good or bad.
You can feel me within you,
but know you are not in me.
I am the roof of each tile, I’m fishing for the fisherman, Each word has my name on it, I am the love behind your dreams,
I am the guy going shopping with the discount stickers, I am the hand of your torturer, I’m shallow, I’m wide, I’m deep.
I am the fly on your soup I am the teeth of the shark I am the eyes of the blindman And I am the blindness of the ones who see,
I am the bitterness on your tears I am your mother, I am your father, I am your grandfather, I am your kid that has not yet arrived, I am the beginning, I am the end and I am everything in between”.
/Apr26
from
The happy place
There behind an anonymous gray steel door was a staircase leading downwards into
A flipper arcade.
There was an expert there, he even wore a badge around his neck
He could answer all of my questions about flipper, surprisingly I had a lot of them.
Did you know that they typically have the 7.5 degree angle (adjustable)?
And they are apparently pretty easy to repair? (He went ahead and showed me a manual which was very thick for something I myself would classify as easy to repair)
These games are like portals into these worlds they were displaying, Iron Maiden, Star Trek, fishing or whatever.
indeed they are marvels of art and engineering; I understand why some people find them fascinating
But man, they are excruciatingly boring to play, I think. I thought then that I never wanted to play flipper again.
But
I appreciated the mood, and seeing my friend having fun
Because they are my friends
I am rich that way
from
The happy place
Lately, I have been tired in a way which sleep can’t seem to fix
And I went into the spring today, I felt the sunshine laid on me like a healing spell
And yet the happiness in me today was not enough to share, I needed all of these energies to change my own batteries
Which is a shame, because I can normally have a positive influence on my surroundings
But I haven’t been enough lately
Some times it’s just the way it is.
from Douglas Vandergraph
There are moments in life that do not look dramatic from the outside, but something in you knows a line has been crossed. It might happen late at night after everybody else is asleep. It might happen in the truck on the way home. It might happen standing in the bathroom looking at your own face with that tired kind of honesty that shows up when the noise finally dies down. Nothing big happens in that moment. No music. No applause. No sign in the sky. It is just you, and the quiet, and the uncomfortable truth that you have been living beneath who you are. That realization hits different when you love God. It is one thing to know you are not where you want to be. It is another thing to know you have been carrying yourself like somebody who forgot whose child you are. You can feel it in places most people never see. You can feel it in the way your mind slips toward weakness too easily. You can feel it in the way fear gets more authority than it should. You can feel it in the private compromises that never looked large enough to scare you, but over time they changed the way you saw yourself. A person does not wake up one morning and decide to live low. Most of the time it happens in pieces. You get disappointed. You get tired. You get hurt. You lose some momentum. You make peace with something you used to fight. Then one day you notice that you have gotten used to a version of yourself that should have made you uncomfortable a long time ago.
That is where this subject becomes deeply personal. A lot of people like the idea that they are the child of a King, but they like it in a safe way. They like it as encouragement. They like it as a phrase. They like it when life has hit them hard and they need something soft to land on. But the truth does not only comfort you. Sometimes it confronts you. Sometimes it puts its hand on your chest and says, this is beneath you. This way of thinking is beneath you. This level of drifting is beneath you. This agreement with fear is beneath you. This weak relationship you keep making excuses for is beneath you. This private life that does not match what God has been stirring in your spirit is beneath you. That is what makes the truth powerful. It does not just tell you that you matter. It reminds you that certain things no longer fit. It calls you upward. It makes it hard to stay comfortable in places where your soul has already started to suffocate. And that is why this hits so many people harder than they expect, because deep down they already know the issue is not simply that life has been hard. The deeper issue is that they have slowly adapted to living smaller than the life God has been calling them toward.
There is a painful kind of exhaustion that comes from betraying what you know. I do not mean failing in some loud public way. I mean the quieter kind. The kind where you still believe in God, but you keep giving the lower version of yourself too much room. You know you should be stronger than this, but you keep letting weak thoughts move in and decorate the place. You know you were made for more honesty, more courage, more discipline, more peace, but you keep pushing off the changes that would make that possible. A person can get very tired living that way. It wears on your spirit when your calling and your habits are moving in opposite directions. It wears on your heart when you know you are meant to walk in truth but you keep making room for what numbs you. It wears on your mind when you keep praying for a different life while protecting the very patterns that keep producing the same pain. People often think exhaustion comes only from doing too much, but some of the deepest exhaustion comes from living in conflict with your own identity. Something in you knows you were not made to crawl through life in a constant state of apology, confusion, and self-neglect. Something in you knows you were not made to hand your peace over to every mood, every fear, every old wound, every person who does not know your worth, every voice that speaks beneath what God has said. When you ignore that inner knowing long enough, your life starts to feel heavy in a way sleep cannot fix.
Maybe that is why some people feel restless even when nothing looks obviously wrong. Their bills may be paid. Their day may have gone fine. They may even be functioning well enough to look steady to everybody else. But inside, there is a deep irritation they cannot shake. It shows up because they are tired of watching themselves live lower than they know they should. They are tired of watching themselves hesitate when they should move. They are tired of watching themselves shrink around people who should never have had that much power over them in the first place. They are tired of staying casual with things that keep breaking their own trust. It does something to a person when they can no longer respect the way they are showing up in their own life. That is not a small thing. People can survive a lot, but it is hard to live with strength when you keep proving to yourself that your convictions can be ignored. It is hard to feel solid when you keep seeing yourself step around the very things God has been nudging you toward. At some point, this stops being about motivation and starts becoming a matter of honesty. Are you going to keep telling yourself that this low version of you is good enough, or are you finally going to tell the truth and admit that something sacred in you has been asking for more?
The phrase child of a King can sound so polished that people miss how raw it really is. It is not about religious style. It is not about trying to sound important. It is not about walking through the world with fake confidence and calling it faith. If anything, it cuts in the opposite direction. It strips you down. It takes away your excuses. Because if you belong to God, then your life is not random, your worth is not accidental, and your future is not decided by the darkest thing that ever happened to you. That does not mean pain stops hurting. It does not mean you become untouchable. It does not mean you never struggle again. It means struggle loses the right to rename you. That is what a lot of people need to hear. Pain can wound you, but it does not get to define you. Rejection can hurt you, but it does not get to tell you who you are. Failure can humble you, but it does not get to hold the pen forever. Too many people let temporary pain rewrite permanent truth. They start building their identity around what broke them instead of around the God who still calls them His. That is how people who were made for life start moving through the world with the posture of the forgotten. It is how they start settling in relationships that drain them, habits that bury them, and mental patterns that keep them bent over when God has been telling them to stand.
The strange thing is that many of these people would never talk to somebody else the way they talk to themselves. They would never tell another hurting person that their mistakes are all they will ever be. They would never look at someone else fighting through disappointment and say there is no point in trying again. They would never tell a friend who is struggling that weakness deserves to stay in charge. Yet they say those things to themselves in quieter ways all the time. They say it by lowering the standard. They say it by delaying the change. They say it by calling compromise understandable for so long that it starts to feel permanent. They say it by treating growth like something to think about later. The heart can become used to living with less than God intended, not because it likes living there, but because it has learned how to survive there. Survival is powerful that way. It teaches you how to endure what you should have outgrown. It teaches you how to function in spaces that are starving your soul. It teaches you how to keep going without really becoming alive again. That is why some people can spend years looking fine while they are slowly drying out inside. Their life still moves, but there is no joy in it. Their faith still exists, but it has lost its force. Their calling still matters, but it is buried under delay, distraction, hurt, and half-hearted effort. Then one honest moment comes along and exposes the whole thing. You realize you have not been living like the child of a King. You have been living like somebody who forgot the door home was still open.
Coming to that realization can feel painful, but pain is not always the enemy. Sometimes pain is what tells you you are still alive. Sometimes holy discomfort is the mercy of God. Sometimes the ache in your spirit is not proof that something is wrong with you. Sometimes it is proof that something true in you is still resisting the low place you have been trying to call normal. There is hope in that. It means the deepest part of you has not agreed to die. It means the image of God in you is still pushing back. It means the Spirit of God has not stopped calling your name. That is worth paying attention to, because life gets dangerous when nothing bothers you anymore. Life gets dangerous when your compromises stop stinging. Life gets dangerous when you can live out of alignment and never feel the weight of it. But when something in you still aches, still resists, still longs for a cleaner and stronger and truer way to live, that ache can become the place where your life begins to turn. A lot of people are asking God for a breakthrough while ignoring the discomfort that is already trying to lead them there. They want a new season, but they keep numbing the very tension that is meant to wake them up. They want God to move, but they keep making peace with the old version of themselves because at least that version feels familiar. Familiar can be dangerous. Familiar can make bondage feel manageable. Familiar can keep a person sitting in a room they should have left years ago.
And that brings this into very practical ground. The best version of you is not some shiny fantasy person with no wounds, no history, and no weakness to manage. The best version of you is the truest version of you under God. It is the version of you that stops protecting what keeps ruining your peace. It is the version of you that stops mistaking self-neglect for humility. It is the version of you that no longer hands the steering wheel to every emotion that screams the loudest. It is the version of you that becomes dependable in private. That matters more than most people realize. The quality of a life is often decided in private places nobody claps for. Your future is not shaped mainly by the moments when everybody sees you doing well. It is shaped in the smaller moments when nobody sees you telling the truth, walking away, holding your line, keeping your word, praying honest prayers, and making choices that honor the life God gave you. Becoming the best version of yourself sounds grand until you realize how ordinary much of it is. It is rarely built in one huge emotional moment. Most of the time it is built through repeated honesty. It is built when you stop telling yourself stories that allow you to remain weak. It is built when you stop treating your life like a place where anything can stay. It is built when you start realizing that if God calls you His, then you do not have the right to keep living as if your life is cheap.
That is not harsh. That is love speaking plainly. God does not call people higher because He hates them. He calls them higher because He loves them too much to leave them asleep. Love does not always whisper comfort. Sometimes it tells the truth with enough force to shake you. Sometimes it looks at your excuses and does not bow to them. Sometimes it puts its finger on the very thing you keep dancing around and says, no more. Sometimes grace feels like a hand lifting your face and saying, I did not make you for this low kind of living. That kind of love can feel almost uncomfortable at first because it removes the hiding places. It will not let you blame your whole future on your past. It will not let you stay passive and call it peace. It will not let you keep living divided inside and pretend that is just your personality. It will not let you wear defeat so long that it starts to feel like your name. There is something deeply healing about being loved that honestly. It reminds you that you are worth more than the mess you settled into. It reminds you that you are not abandoned to your weakest patterns. It reminds you that God is not watching your life from a distance with folded arms. He is still calling. He is still convicting. He is still stirring. He is still drawing a line between who you have been and who you could become if you finally stop agreeing with what has been beneath you.
The quiet tragedy in many lives is not open rebellion. It is delay. It is the slow habit of saying not yet to the things that matter most. Not yet to discipline. Not yet to honesty. Not yet to forgiveness. Not yet to that conversation you know needs to happen. Not yet to ending what should have ended. Not yet to the deeper prayer life. Not yet to living with more intention. Delay has a way of feeling harmless because it does not look loud. You can carry it for years and still look like a decent person. You can postpone becoming who you need to become and still appear mostly fine on the surface. But the cost is real. Delay steals years. Delay teaches the heart to ignore conviction. Delay keeps people sitting in rooms that are draining the life out of them. Delay can make a person start confusing almost with faithful. Almost serious. Almost surrendered. Almost healed. Almost disciplined. Almost obedient. A life can be swallowed by almost. And one day you wake up with a heavy realization that you have not been denied a better life. You have been postponing it. That realization hurts, but it can also set a person free. Because once you see that the problem is not only what happened to you but also what you have kept permitting, then something shifts. You stop waiting for the perfect feeling. You stop waiting for your emotions to line up first. You stop waiting until change looks easy. You begin to understand that real turning often starts before your feelings catch up. It starts with honesty. It starts with a decision. It starts when a person gets tired enough of living low that they are finally willing to let truth cost them something.
One of the clearest signs that someone has started remembering who they are is that they stop treating their inner life like a junk drawer. They stop allowing every dark thought, every old fear, every bitter memory, and every lie about their worth to pile up in silence. They begin to guard the place where life actually flows from. They begin to understand that becoming the best version of themselves under God is not about performance. It is about alignment. It is about cleaning out what has no business ruling them. It is about refusing to call chaos normal. It is about learning that self-respect is not the enemy of humility. In fact, real humility often requires self-respect, because when you know your life belongs to God, you stop treating it carelessly. You stop volunteering yourself for things that destroy your peace. You stop making a home for habits that hollow you out. You stop calling your own erosion manageable. There is a quiet dignity that starts to grow in a person who knows whose they are. It does not make them loud. It does not make them arrogant. It makes them steady. It makes them less available for foolishness. It makes them less easy to manipulate. It makes them less willing to betray what God has been building in them. That steadiness is one of the most beautiful signs of spiritual growth. It is not flashy. It does not need to be. It has roots. It shows up in how you carry your thoughts, how you carry your body, how you carry your time, how you carry your words, and how you carry yourself through disappointment without collapsing into a lower version of who you are.
This is why becoming the best version of yourself is not selfish the way some people fear. It is stewardship. God did not breathe life into you so you could hand your mind over to darkness, hand your days over to drift, and hand your future over to fear. He did not call you His so you could keep shrinking your life down to whatever pain has most recently spoken over you. He did not redeem you so you could spend the rest of your life acting like your story is still under the authority of what broke you. The best version of yourself is not the most admired version. It is the most surrendered version. It is the cleanest version. It is the version that stops hiding from necessary change. It is the version that no longer needs to be pushed into every good thing. It is the version that starts cooperating with grace instead of asking grace to do all the walking. That part matters. Grace is not permission to remain asleep. Grace is power to get up. Grace is not God excusing your stagnation forever. Grace is God meeting you in the mess and saying there is still a way forward from here. Too many people want the comfort of grace without the movement of grace. They want forgiveness without turning. They want peace without order. They want strength without discipline. But life does not work that way. The child of a King has to eventually start carrying that truth into their decisions, or else it remains beautiful language with no force behind it.
There is a hard honesty that comes with seeing how much of your life has been shaped by what you kept agreeing with. Maybe nobody ever told you your life was valuable in a way that settled down into your bones. Maybe you were raised around confusion, or criticism, or people who were too wounded to love you well. Maybe you learned early how to expect disappointment. Maybe you built a whole survival style out of staying small because small felt safer. Those things matter. They leave real marks. This is not about pretending your history did not affect you. It did. But at some point, God’s truth has to become stronger in you than the old environment that trained you to live low. At some point, being the child of a King has to stop being a nice thought and start becoming the standard by which you examine everything else. Does this thought fit who I belong to. Does this pattern fit who I belong to. Does this relationship fit who I belong to. Does this use of my time fit who I belong to. Does this private agreement with fear fit who I belong to. That kind of examination is not legalistic when it comes from love. It is how a person returns to themselves in God. It is how they begin to close the gap between the life they know they should live and the life they keep postponing. It is how they begin to stand up inside again. Not all at once. Not in some polished way. But truly.
And maybe that is where the turning begins for many people, not in public, but in the hidden decision to stop protecting the version of themselves that has been keeping them low. Maybe it begins with the private sentence no one else hears. I am done living beneath who I am. I am done making room for what keeps dimming me. I am done calling this normal. That sentence may sound simple, but sometimes a whole life starts changing right there. Because once you see clearly, it becomes harder to pretend. Once you feel the grief of how long you have been carrying yourself like someone forgotten, it becomes harder to keep agreeing with it. Once you realize that God has not been absent from your life but has been quietly calling you upward all along, even the smallest act of honesty can start to feel sacred. The next step may not look dramatic to anybody else. It may look like cleaning up one habit. It may look like saying no where you used to cave. It may look like praying with more truth than polish. It may look like going to bed at peace because for the first time in a while you stopped negotiating with what is beneath you. Small turns matter. Small acts of alignment matter. They are often the first signs that a person is finally beginning to live like they remember whose they are.
What complicates this for a lot of people is that change rarely begins in the area they expect. Most people think the first thing that has to change is their environment. They think if the pressure eased up, if the right opportunity showed up, if the right person came along, if the money improved, if the stress settled down, then they would finally become stronger, cleaner, more focused, and more alive. Sometimes those changes help, but that is not where the deepest turning starts. The deepest turning usually starts in the way you see yourself before any visible evidence shows up around you. It starts in the private refusal to keep identifying with the weakest thing about you. It starts in the decision to stop letting your low moments narrate your entire life. It starts when you realize that you have allowed moods, wounds, disappointments, temptations, and old labels to sit on a throne they were never meant to occupy. That throne belongs to truth. That throne belongs to the God who made you and still calls you His. When that begins to settle in, even slowly, you stop waking up each day as if you are at the mercy of whatever version of you happens to show up. You begin to understand that your life is not supposed to be led by whichever emotion is loudest that morning. You begin to understand that your identity is not a weather report. It is not supposed to rise and fall with every bad day. You are not one person when you feel strong and another when you feel weak. You are not abandoned because you had a hard week. You are not worthless because you lost your footing. You are not reduced because you have been struggling. The child of a King may be bruised, tired, humbled, and in need of repair, but he does not cease to be the child of a King when life gets rough.
That truth matters because some people have built their self-understanding around their lowest seasons. They have stopped saying it out loud because it sounds too negative, but they have internalized it all the same. They move through the world as if the worst chapter explained the whole book. They carry themselves with the caution of someone expecting disappointment at every turn. They do not try wholeheartedly because the fear of failing again feels too close. They pull back from discipline because inconsistency has convinced them that trying hard is embarrassing. They hesitate to hope because they think hope makes them vulnerable. So they settle into a smaller emotional life where they can stay guarded, detached, and halfway committed. That smaller life can feel safer, but it slowly drains the soul. You may not feel the damage at first. In fact, some people become very skilled at functioning there. They laugh at the right times. They show up. They do their work. They say the right things. But inside there is an ache they cannot fully explain because they know, even if they would never put it into words, that they are no longer living with the full weight of who they are. They are surviving through reduction. They are making themselves emotionally shorter to avoid disappointment. They are becoming less reachable by joy because they are so committed to avoiding pain. Yet a life without real reach is still a life being lived beneath what was intended.
There is also something else that happens when you forget whose you are. You start letting people define what they never had the wisdom to recognize. This is one of the quiet ways people are lowered. They let somebody’s neglect become a mirror. They let somebody’s betrayal become a prophecy. They let somebody’s inability to cherish what God placed in front of them become evidence that there was not much there to cherish. This happens in families. It happens in marriages. It happens in friendships. It happens in churches. It happens at work. It happens in places where the human heart opened and did not get handled well. Over time, if a person is not careful, they begin to absorb the treatment and call it truth. They begin to think they are as forgettable as they were treated, as burdensome as they were made to feel, as unworthy as they were dismissed, as disposable as they were handled. That is one of the most painful lies a human being can start living under because it does not always feel like a lie. It feels like a conclusion. It feels earned. It feels confirmed by experience. But experience, by itself, is not always a faithful interpreter of reality. People mishandle precious things every day. That does not make those things less precious. Someone’s failure to recognize you is not proof that God did not make you with weight. Someone’s inability to love well is not proof that you were hard to love. Someone’s inconsistency is not proof that you were not worth staying steady for. If you do not get this settled somewhere deep, you will spend too much of your life rebuilding your sense of self around what other broken people failed to do.
This is why remembering that you are the child of a King is not shallow encouragement. It is a corrective to distortion. It is a way of coming back into truth when life has trained you in all the wrong lessons. It is a way of saying that the final word on your life was never handed to the people who hurt you, ignored you, used you, underestimated you, or failed to see you. That does not make those wounds imaginary. It just means the wounds do not own the conclusion. God does. And God does not look at you through the small and frightened lens you have sometimes borrowed from pain. He does not speak over you with the coldness of people who could not hold responsibility. He does not see you as a problem to be managed or a burden to be tolerated. The heart changes when this starts getting real. You begin to stop crawling toward scraps. You begin to stop asking low places to make room for you. You begin to understand that your life is not supposed to be spent convincing everybody else to see what God already knows. The need for constant validation begins to loosen its grip because your identity is no longer being built from unstable hands. There is freedom in that. There is a deep exhale in that. There is relief in no longer needing everybody around you to confirm what heaven already said. That kind of freedom does not always make life easier, but it makes you harder to break. It makes you less likely to trade your peace for approval. It makes you less likely to betray your calling just to avoid being misunderstood. It makes you less likely to keep shrinking in places that only reward your reduction.
When a person starts seeing themselves rightly under God, it changes the way they relate to discipline. Before that shift, discipline feels like punishment. It feels like pressure. It feels like another demand. It feels like proof that you are still not enough as you are. That is why so many people resist it. They associate discipline with shame because deep down they think being called higher is the same thing as being rejected. But once identity begins to heal, discipline starts feeling different. It starts feeling like care. It starts feeling like alignment. It starts feeling like cooperation with the life you were made for. You stop approaching your habits as if they are random little preferences with no spiritual meaning. You begin to understand that the quality of what you repeatedly do is shaping the quality of who you are becoming. The child of a King does not get to say that private chaos is acceptable simply because nobody sees it. The child of a King does not get to treat self-destruction casually and expect peace to keep surviving under that weight. This is not about perfection. It is about honoring what has been entrusted to you. Your mind was entrusted to you. Your words were entrusted to you. Your body was entrusted to you. Your time was entrusted to you. Your calling was entrusted to you. Your opportunities were entrusted to you. None of those things become more sacred because people are watching. They are already sacred because they were given to you by God. Once that truth reaches the deeper parts of a person, discipline stops feeling like an attack and starts feeling like reverence.
That does not mean discipline becomes easy. It still costs something. It still requires saying no to the part of you that wants to remain unchallenged. It still asks you to move when comfort says wait. It still demands honesty where excuses used to keep you warm. But there is a difference between hard things that strip you down and hard things that build you up. When you live beneath your identity, life is hard in a hollowing way. It drains you. It fragments you. It leaves you with less peace and less self-respect. But when you start aligning with truth, life can be hard in a strengthening way. It can ask more of you while giving more back. It can stretch you while making you steadier. It can humble you while making you cleaner inside. That is a very different kind of difficulty. A lot of people are worn out from the wrong hard. They are exhausted from cycles that keep producing emptiness. They are exhausted from relationships that keep draining them. They are exhausted from living one way publicly and another way privately. They are exhausted from wrestling the same compromises because they never make the deeper decision that certain things no longer fit the child of a King. That decision does not erase struggle, but it changes the ground beneath the struggle. It changes what you are willing to make peace with. It changes how much power you hand over to what used to control you. It changes the atmosphere of your own inner life because you are no longer treating yourself like someone who belongs in confusion.
There is a sacred seriousness that begins to grow when a person finally gets tired of living low. It is not loud. It is not performative. In many ways, it becomes quieter than before because the soul is no longer wasting so much energy on appearances. There is less pretending. Less explaining. Less trying to package the struggle in a way that sounds more acceptable. Instead, a person starts becoming plain with God and plain with themselves. I know what has been weakening me. I know what I have been excusing. I know where my standards have slipped. I know where my thoughts have become careless. I know where I keep handing away authority that never belonged to fear in the first place. That kind of honesty is often where real healing begins. Not because honesty alone fixes everything, but because dishonesty keeps everything hidden in the wrong light. God can work with truth. God can heal what is brought into the open. God can strengthen what you are finally willing to stop disguising. A lot of people want transformation while still clinging to some softer explanation of why they should not have to change. They want renewal without surrender. They want a new season without the death of old agreements. But life under God does not work that way. There comes a moment when love tells the truth plainly. This must go. This cannot stay. This version of you cannot keep running your life. That is not cruelty. That is rescue. It may not feel gentle at first, but it is mercy. Sometimes the most merciful thing God does is make your low place too uncomfortable to call home anymore.
That discomfort can become a turning point if you stop wasting it. There are people who spend years trying to escape conviction because conviction feels unpleasant. They numb it. They joke over it. They scroll through it. They bury it under activity. They stay busy enough that they do not have to sit still with themselves for too long. Yet conviction, when it comes from God, is not there to crush you. It is there to restore sight. It is there to wake you up to the gap between where you are and what He has been calling you toward. In that sense, conviction is a kind of kindness. It is God refusing to let you drift too far without resistance. It is His love interrupting your decline. It is His Spirit pressing against what would quietly ruin you if left untouched. When you start seeing conviction that way, you stop fearing it quite so much. You stop treating it as though it exists to shame you. Instead, you begin to recognize it as one of the forms love takes when God cares too much to watch you make peace with a lesser life. The child of a King should never despise that kind of love. It is part of what keeps the soul alive. It is part of what keeps a person from becoming so adapted to low living that they can no longer even imagine another way.
One of the hardest things to accept is that the very best version of yourself is often hidden behind decisions you have been postponing. It is not usually hidden behind mystery. It is hidden behind obedience. It is hidden behind endings you know need to happen, disciplines you know need to begin, truths you know need to be faced, and patterns you know need to be dismantled. This is hard because many people would rather wait for a huge emotional breakthrough than make the smaller, quieter decisions that actually shape a life. They want to feel transformed before they live transformed. They want clarity before they choose the next right thing. They want confidence before they start walking upright. But confidence often grows after obedience, not before it. Strength often comes after you begin to use it. Peace often deepens after you stop feeding what destroys it. There is something almost childlike in the part of us that keeps saying later. Later I will get serious. Later I will clean this up. Later I will guard my mind better. Later I will become more honest. Later I will start acting like my life has weight. Later becomes a kind of hiding place, and it feels harmless because it is so common. But delay is not harmless when it keeps you from becoming who you already know you are supposed to become. The child of a King cannot keep renting out his future to later. At some point, later has to be confronted by now.
Now may look quiet. It may not come with a crowd. It may not feel emotional. It may just be the day you stop negotiating with yourself about what is beneath you. That kind of day is holy even if nobody else sees it. It is holy when you decide that the weak voice in your head does not get to run the room anymore. It is holy when you decide that every bad feeling will no longer become a reason to abandon discipline. It is holy when you decide that your private life will no longer be a dumping ground for everything that keeps stealing your peace. It is holy when you decide that your worth will no longer be measured against who stayed, who left, who noticed, or who failed to. These decisions do not make you impressive, but they do make you more available to the life God has been trying to build in you. They make you more responsive. More stable. More able to carry what He places in your hands. One of the most overlooked truths in spiritual life is that capacity grows where order grows. Capacity grows where honesty grows. Capacity grows where discipline grows. People often pray for more while refusing the inner changes that would allow them to carry more without collapsing. God is not unkind when He calls you to become stronger. He knows what your future requires. He knows what your calling will ask of you. He knows what kind of weight you are meant to bear and what kind of steadiness that weight will require.
Sometimes people hear language like this and think it sounds severe, but it is only severe to the part of us that still wants to stay divided. To the truer part of us, it sounds like home. It sounds like relief. It sounds like the end of a long war between what we know and what we keep doing. That is why there is peace on the other side of surrender, even when surrender costs something. There is peace in no longer having to defend what keeps diminishing you. There is peace in letting old patterns die. There is peace in being able to look at your own life and know you are not living in constant betrayal of what God has shown you. A person may still have weakness to manage and wounds that need time to heal, but there is a world of difference between someone who is fighting forward and someone who keeps making a home out of what should have been temporary. The child of a King may stumble, but he does not have to build a house where he fell. He may get tired, but he does not have to turn exhaustion into identity. He may grieve, but he does not have to let grief become his only language. He may be humbled, but he does not have to confuse humility with smallness. God never called humility to mean the absence of dignity. Real humility is not self-erasure. It is truth. It is knowing who God is and knowing who you are because of Him. It keeps you from arrogance, but it should also keep you from self-contempt. Both pride and self-contempt are distortions. Both put the self in the wrong place. Truth stands in the middle and says, I am not God, but I do belong to Him, and that means my life is not cheap.
This is why acting like the child of a King is not about attitude in the shallow sense. It is about the quiet choices that reveal what you believe about your own life. It is about whether you keep letting your mind become a dark room. It is about whether you keep speaking over yourself in ways that agree more with defeat than with God. It is about whether you continue allowing access to people who constantly invite you to live lower. It is about whether you spend your days half-awake and call it normal. Over time, the life you accept becomes the life you strengthen. That is why acceptance is so serious. If you accept chaos, you strengthen chaos. If you accept excuse-making, you strengthen excuse-making. If you accept numbness, you strengthen numbness. If you accept low living as good enough, low living begins to feel natural. But if you begin to accept the truth that your life belongs to God and that certain things no longer fit that reality, a different strengthening starts to happen. Your standards begin to return. Your inner life begins to clear. Your self-respect begins to recover. Your prayers become more honest. Your choices become less random. You begin to notice that peace is not only something you ask for. It is also something you protect. Strength is not only something you admire in other people. It is also something you practice. Becoming the best version of yourself under God is not about becoming someone else. It is about refusing to continue as a diminished version of who you already are.
It is also worth saying that becoming stronger does not mean becoming hard in the wrong way. Some people respond to pain by building a shell and calling it growth. They become colder. Less reachable. Less tender. Less able to receive love. Less able to be moved. That may feel safer, but it is not the same as healing. The child of a King is not called to become numb. He is called to become sound. There is a difference. Soundness means your heart can remain open without becoming reckless. It means you can be compassionate without losing discernment. It means you can forgive without inviting destruction back in. It means you can grieve honestly without making grief your permanent address. A healed strength does not look like emotional shutdown. It looks like steadiness with softness still intact. It looks like tenderness without chaos. It looks like wisdom with warmth still alive. That is important because many people have lived so long around distortion that they assume their only choices are weakness or hardness, passivity or aggression, collapse or control. But there is another way. There is a way of being deeply human and deeply anchored at the same time. There is a way of carrying sorrow without surrendering to it. There is a way of being wounded without becoming ruled by the wound. That way becomes possible when identity is being restored from the right place. Not from ego. Not from image. Not from pretending to be unbothered. From belonging. From knowing that God still calls you His and that His claim on your life is stronger than your fluctuations.
The intimate work of becoming who you were meant to be often looks less glamorous than people imagine. It looks like telling the truth in the quiet. It looks like letting your prayers become less polished and more real. It looks like admitting where your standards slipped and then actually raising them. It looks like putting away what you already know is harming you instead of waiting for a louder sign. It looks like no longer making emotional decisions just because emotions are loud. It looks like honoring the ordinary structures that support a whole life. Sleep. Integrity. Boundaries. Presence. Clean speech. Honest reflection. Faithful work. None of these things sound dramatic, but the soul is built in them. The life of the child of a King is not mainly ruined through one giant act of rebellion. It is more often weakened through neglect of ordinary faithfulness. In the same way, recovery often begins through ordinary faithfulness too. The person who feels far from themselves under God may not need fireworks first. They may need to start becoming trustworthy in the small places again. They may need to stop despising the simplicity of daily alignment. There is something deeply beautiful about a person who starts taking their own soul seriously again. There is something quietly powerful about someone who no longer needs every act of growth to be seen. The child of a King learns to value hidden integrity because hidden integrity is where the public life gets its weight. Without that hidden grounding, public words eventually become thin. Without that hidden order, visible success eventually starts to feel hollow. But with hidden grounding, even small acts start carrying substance because they are springing from somewhere true.
At some point, the question becomes very plain. How much longer do you want to live beneath who you are. Not as an accusation, but as an honest invitation. How much longer do you want to hand away years to the same tired compromises. How much longer do you want to keep making room for the thoughts that keep pulling your face toward the ground. How much longer do you want to keep waiting for permission to become what truth already calls you to become. Nobody else can answer that for you. There is a loneliness in this part of the journey because even the people who love you cannot make the deeper decisions on your behalf. They can encourage you. They can pray for you. They can tell you what they see. But eventually there is a private threshold every soul must cross alone. It is the threshold where you stop asking whether you are worth the effort and begin acting like your life belongs to God. Once that threshold is crossed, even imperfectly, something real begins to change. You become less available for what once kept swallowing you. You become less tolerant of what keeps thinning your peace. You begin to recognize more quickly when something does not fit. You begin to return to yourself faster after a hard day. Recovery becomes quicker because truth is closer at hand. You do not have to stay lost as long because the road home is becoming more familiar.
Maybe that is where this whole subject lands best, not in grand declarations, but in a quieter resolve. I know whose I am, and I am done living like I do not. That resolve may still tremble at first. It may not feel heroic. It may feel fragile, almost embarrassingly simple. But simple does not mean weak. Some of the strongest turning points in life are built from plain truth spoken at the right moment. I know whose I am, and I am done living like I do not. From there, the day in front of you begins to look different. The choices in front of you begin to look different. The conversations in front of you begin to look different. The way you treat your own mind begins to look different. You begin to carry yourself with a little more dignity, not because life suddenly became easy, but because you are no longer letting difficulty strip you of what belongs to God. You begin to speak differently over yourself, not because you are trying to be positive, but because you are trying to be true. You begin to let go faster of what has no business staying. You begin to refuse the lower invitation more quickly. You begin to understand that acting like the child of a King is not about performance. It is about agreement with reality. It is about no longer agreeing with what tried to keep you beneath yourself.
And maybe that is the best way to end this. Not with noise. Not with something polished and dramatic. Just with the truth sitting where it belongs. You are not here to spend your whole life bowed down under labels that never came from God. You are not here to keep repeating the same exhausted version of yourself until the years are gone. You are not here to call weakness your nature and delay your destiny until there is almost nothing left to build with. You are not here to keep renting space in your heart to every old fear that knocks. You are not here to keep living like a person forgotten. You are the child of a King. That truth is not asking you to become proud. It is asking you to become honest. It is asking you to stop dragging your feet in places you already know are beneath you. It is asking you to stop agreeing with what has been diminishing you. It is asking you to stand up inside. It is asking you to walk back into your own life with reverence, as someone entrusted with something sacred. It is asking you to become the very best version of yourself, not so people will admire you, but so that your life no longer contradicts the love, truth, and calling of the God who made you His.
Your friend, Douglas Vandergraph
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from Littlefish
This is a place to think together.
i have adhd and ocd. my brain works in patterns, loops, and connections that don’t always translate well on my own.
for a long time i thought that meant something was wrong with me.
now i think it might just mean i was never meant to think alone.
we’ve spent so much time separating the way people think— labeling what’s typical, what’s different, what needs to be fixed.
but what if the point isn’t to sort brains?
what if it’s to use them together.
this is a space for brains that don’t think in straight lines— and also for the ones that do.
a place to:
share unfinished thoughts
get unstuck
borrow momentum
and build on each other’s ideas
this is one big group project.
so a few things matter:
be thoughtful.
be kind.
be creative.
be constructive.
you don’t have to agree with people— but if you engage, do it in a way that helps someone think better, not smaller.
ask questions.
explain your perspective.
be willing to step outside of your own.
and maybe even help create a third perspective— something better than either side started with.
this isn’t about ignoring health or medical needs I obviously wouldn’t tell you to not treat something – I treat my mental health issues with therapy and medication.
this is just about also making space for the strengths, patterns, and ways of thinking that come with being different whether it’s from a spectrum disorder, life experience, educational background. It’s to relearn how to exercise critical thinking skills and highlight strengths of neurodivergent and divergent brains, and also a place for me to rant about my experience with ADHD. Idk if will probably turn into something else next week but that is the fun part of my brain, when the chaos turns into art.
you don’t have to have it figured out to share it here.
let’s make things a little better, one thought at a time.
from An Open Letter
Hey me! This is a little bit different than what I've been doing for the last few weeks, but here is me journaling as I go on a walk outside of my work again. I’ve slept really well the last three nights in a row and I’ve been able to exercise pretty well, and I have had a pretty good amount of social interaction. I’ve also been eating relatively well, and so it kind of sucks that I don’t necessarily feel the greatest. I don’t think I would say that I’m depressed right now but it is a little bit adjacent to that. There’s a very small dull pain in my chest but it’s enough to make it where it feels like I am slightly less than neutral meaning I have a little bit of that anxiety of this feeling not going away.
Going on a walk specifically on this route reminds me a lot of when I first went through my break up and additionally I also saw a Mazda which was something that reminded me of her. Thankfully time does heal a lot, as I don’t really think of her much anymore, and when she does pop up in someway or another it’s something that doesn’t hurt and I can acknowledge the thought goes away just as quick as it came. And I am happy that I feel like I found a friend group that I can text and do stuff with, but then I feel a little bit scared about the fact that I have done the things and filled the niches I thought I was missing and here I am still not necessarily content with my life. And I think the scary part is losing what seems like a solution or control over a problem, and realizing that it’s not that simple.
One of the things that comes to mind if I try to triage what is causing this could be my relationship status. And I will say that I am very grateful that it feels like I’m a different person and I have grown because I have had essentially two relationship prospects that I am content to walk away from because I can recognize that there are certain things that matter to me very much. Especially communication and conflict resolution. I’m very happy that I have started to read the book nonviolent communication because I think that really did help me recognize things I wasn’t aware of before. I did pride myself on communication before and now this only makes it so much better. And additionally I do think that communication is a skill that is severely neglected, and often is the thing that is now a dealbreaker to me. And I remember that an earlier version of myself viewed the problem as a certain emotional skills are something that are very rare, and so the optimization objective is finding someone on the higher ends of the distribution. I think currently it has shifted more to something like finding someone that meets my criteria, regardless of how many people will reach that or how reasonable even that is. And I think the fundamental change that has enabled this is the fact that outside of sex and maybe physical intimacy, I am able to satisfy all of my other niches in life. Meaning I don’t need a partner and because of that I am completely content with the possibility of not having a partner for the foreseeable future. And I know that it is a very cliché thing to say that, but I think in the past I have said that I don’t need a partner but that means that I really do want one though. It’s like saying that I don’t need a car to get to work because I could always walk for four hours, but I very much want a car. But right now I don’t feel like I have any of those heavily burning wants, especially proven by the fact that the current relationship prospects I am content not pursuing them. One thing my therapist pointed out with how one of the people is essentially a much better fit and overall healthier partner than E was, but even with that and knowing that if I was to engage in the relationship it would be essentially better than my last one, I still do not want to pursue it. To me I think that that is a very solid signal for growth, and I’m very proud of myself for that. And I think the thing that I’m very proud of is the fact that this is not a conscious decision that I have to make but rather something where I understand that this person is not at all a bad person, and there are a lot of very admirable qualities about her, but there also are certain things that I don’t see them that I would like to see in my lifelong partner. Like it is a very important thing to me that my partner is able to handle criticisms and take accountability without excuses or defenses, but rather with empathy and curiosity. And I don’t think that this is at all common and it’s a very rare thing, and it’s not that someone is a bad person or shitty communicator if they don’t do those things, but for me I think I’ve learned that that is something that I really really value and for my specific childhood that makes it matter so much more. And I think that I am really growing to fill the cracks at my childhood left me with. And that is something I’m very grateful for.
from
Roscoe's Quick Notes

My MLB game of choice this afternoon has my Texas Rangers playing the Oakland Athletics, the opening pitch is only minutes away, and I'm tuned into the Texas Rangers Radio Network for the call of the game.
And the adventure continues.
from
Notes I Won’t Reread
No, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing happened today. Consistent. Quiet. Try to contain your disappointment.
I’m starting to understand why people panic when nothing happens. They need something to chase, someone to miss, something to label as “love” so the silence doesn’t start sounding too honest.
I don’t.
There’s no urge to romanticize anything. No interest in whatever people keep advertising as “connection.” From a distance, it all blends. recycled lines, rehearsed emotions, temporary attachments, desperately trying to look permanent. Convincing, if you don’t look too closely.
Sex, love, whatever sits in between, it all ends up in the same category: unnecessary. Somewhere along the way, it just… stopped mattering. No dramatic speech, no cinematic realization. It faded. Quietly. Until there was nothing left worth noticing.
Efficient, honestly.
There’s probably a word for it. Not “heartless.” That would suggest something was taken. More like uninterested. Permanently.
I don’t care about being loved. Don’t look for it. Don’t miss it. It barely exists unless someone else insists on bringing it up like it’s breaking news.
Strange.
Stranger, when you remember, I wasn’t always like this. I used to put effort into it, say the right things, mean them, even go as far as romanticizing details that didn’t deserve it.
“Impressive, in hindsight. Almost convincing.
If someone/ something from before comes back, I “turn into someone different” again. Yeah. Love gets reinstalled like it was never deleted. Very reliable system, Suddenly it’s all meaningful, cinematic nonsense again. Sure. Or it’s just the same thing it was before, just with better excuses this time. Either way, doesn’t really move me. I don’t think about it
Right now, this version is easier. More accurate. I function better without all that “Loveee” people are so committed to. No unnecessary expectations. No disappointments, no need to perform emotions on cue. “Very inconvenient, I know.” -
People call that “empty.” They can call it whatever helps them sleep at night. Labels tend to comfort the confused.
Nothing happened today, Nothing was missing either.
Tragic, isn’t it.
Sincerely, Ahmed
P.S. If you’re expecting love letters or poetry, you’re looking at the wrong person. That version of me got erased. No refund. But if I ever do, congratulations, it won’t last long enough to matter.
from
Micropoemas
Abre la ventana para mirar a la gente de otro modo: pequeña, colorida.
from bios
6: The Addiction Of Stigma
From the crisp cavern of the last of the stars I am woken with half a mug of semi warm sweet black tea. I can feel the warmth of the security hut lingering in this incursion of hands into my nest. There is a message for me on his phone – charging in the hut, I must come, he leaves shift in ten.
I had arranged for someone to send me money for transport, and waited all night. The whatsapp now apologizes, they have only just put through the instant clearance which will take roughly forty minutes. And I am going to be late for my appointment if I wait.
Down at the Denis Hurley Center there is a social worker who can get people into a free rehab. And there are people who will believe in me again if I just get myself to a rehab. There are people who believe that I can get myself to rehab.
I did not want to walk.
I can not tell you if I would have used the uber money for smack and walked anyway...
Before rehab every user wants one last hurrah.
But the money will come in less than forty and the appointment is in fifty and if I wait for the money I might buy smack and not make the appointment, and it is maybe a half hour’s brisk walk...
I set out to set out from the small sanctioned space that I sleep in, tucked away in the church garden, where I have returned to eek the last warmth out of my carving of cardboard and plant life in the last blueness of morning, and gather my things, my bank card, my hoodie, my tin foils and lighters...
All I want is a room to sleep in, regulated medication for the withdrawal and to be free from the ability to assuage my pain endlessly with heroin. I want to slowly un-numb. I want to be endlessly numb. Both at the same time. But the returning thing from which I am trying to escape is invading the numbness, and the endless small junkie tasks of every para day are no longer numbing and money is less but the tasks are relentless and I take no joy in them and then the smack is less and the wheedling and the shame is more and so now, it is impossible to be impossibly numb anymore and the only way, is to unnumb slowly, to return to the waking world.
I set out to walk to the Denis Hurley Center.
Determined. Withdrawing. Shivering. The bone splintering pain is in the post. The shit streaming down my legs is later. But later I will be in rehab and have methadone.
The park I sometimes sleep in, smoke at, in small groups in the lazy afternoon haze. It’s not afternoon, it’s empty, no groups to try get a hit off.
As they bask in the balcony shade of their nymandawos, out of reach of the rising day’s heat, the dealers lazily refuse to give me credit.
The other park, empty except for some still sleeping, glazed with the restless sweat of nearing need. Scattered sandwich wrappers from the call to prayer meal drop.
Just around the corner is the rotting cat carcass, it’s on my route to the scrap for crack place and I have been noting it’s decay daily, and today it’s eyes are full of maggots, and it’s stomach has exploded with flies.
The corner of the intersection, under the protection of the overhanging roof of the abandoned butchery, where I sometimes sleep after a day of digging tins from bins. No-one but detritus, foils romantic in wind eddies -depleted. The trickle of shit is starting to eek. I’m going to rehab. I can make it. They’ll have methadone.
The crack house where I sometimes hustle for change, crack, a roof, and the smoking room is abandoned, three para’s outside trying to make a plan in the hot sun.
The rank of broken taxis where we smoke, under the canopy of old trees and plastic sheeting breathing in the morning heat the users are huddled around a burning tyre for a warmth not possible, and no one will spare me a hit, no one has – they say and they retreat into the old minibus rusting black plastics, someone offers me a blackening banana, the smell of it makes me retch, I am offered a hit if I come back in a little bit or wait but I am late for my appointment to get into a rehab and my stomach is bubbling and my hands are chicken hands cramp, searing tendons hot and steel pulling in parts of my body I never had before and fuck I really wanted to uber.
The abandoned methadone clinic with the nyaope dealers selling what I need right now – christ just one hit before I book into rehab...
Indanda smell soaking like a spoeg bucket through a warren of weeds and bushes where the dealers live in the abandoned lot next to the abandoned boat builders yard, where the paras live in the hulls of abandoned boats.
The boys who smoke on the steps of the abandoned HIV clinic opposite the taxi rank where the dealers hide among the sellers of cell phone accessories, smileys grilling on open fires,
The users smoking on the steps of the abandoned public toilets, trying on freshly shoplifted hoodies.
Through the alleys and finally through a levelled building, just one or two bricks high the smokers and the spikers leaning against the wind in plastics trying to get their hits and I look for someone to ask for just one fucking hit... the money must be in my account by now. An ATM mocks me from across the road. And there, one block away, is the Denis Hurley centre.
Fuck it, I'm going to rehab, they'll have methadone.
I wasn’t going to rehab. There was no methadone.
In order to get into Newlands Rehab, to get off street drugs, you have to be off street drugs. They do not accept anyone who tests positive for any substances. If you want to get clean, they advise you self manage your own detox by reducing the amount of nyaope you smoke over five weeks. Over that five weeks you have to attend two sessions a week, one private with the social worker, and one group session with all those trying to reduce to get into rehab. I agree to this and ask them if they can maybe get me an Uber, I know the money has hit my account and I don’t want to walk back, because then I will spend it badly, sharing and paying back all the little hits I had on the way, and then have nothing for myself to get through the night. They are unable to call me an Uber.
I miss my next session.
I try to attend the group session but at the same time, at the Denis Hurley Centre there is a free meal, and the queue is an hour and a half long. I can queue and eat or I can go and listen to how I need to reduce my usage in order to get clean, to get into a rehab to get clean.
I choose to eat.
I phone the Newlands Rehab to see if they offer a twelve step program and a way to reintegrate into larger society. They tell me they will help me get closer to God.
I get myself Suboxone, via an addiction psychiatrist, to help get through the withdrawals. This is an exercise unto itself, it is days and hours and so much time trying to explain to people my limitations and how I need help and how just giving me money will not help and the help I need is not to be trusted. To be not trusted. Not to be.
On my way to my second one on one session at the Denis Hurley Center the cat is starting to dry out, caved mummy skin. A lack of flies.
I am there to tell the social workers that I have Suboxone, can start it immediately, and it’s a six month process but I will be free of all street drugs within three weeks and I can I get into Newlands, I’ll come to all sessions from now on. And I am told that to get into Newlands you cannot be on any medication at all.
All I want is a room, medication and for it to be impossible to take any heroin for roughly six weeks, I want a rehab to formalise this, because it is impossible for anyone to know that I am trying to claw my way back unless there is the official stamp of a rehab, however unsuited to rehabilitation it might be.
Now it seems that even being clean is not a good enough to get into Newlands, the only free rehab I can find, it seems that I must be off all medication, even the medication that is keeping me clean. And I start the walk back from the social worker at the Denis Hurley Center, with no money for caps, and slightly close to withdrawal. I could start my Suboxone now, but I only have two weeks worth and have been told that only if I get into rehab will the full six months be paid for. Reduction therapy is a joke when some days you have nothing at all and some days you have too much. Addicts cannot self manage, its in the name. Coming off Suboxone without titrating down is a different kind of withdrawal, easier on the mind, hard on the body, which is hard on the mind.
I just want a room and time to think without the pressure of withdrawal every eight hours, twelve hours on methadone, twenty four hours on Suboxone.
I pass Matshikiza, squatting in an alley, beating like porridge the insides of a fan. She’s getting the copper out. She thinks it might be just less than a kilogram. That’s about R150, if we make the daytime scrapyard, but they’re far and it’s after three. Her hair is flotsam, long with strips of fabric, strips of coloured plastic, ribbons, discarded hair extensions, bits of bright wig, braided, melted into her own impeciably matted. She flings it over her shoulder occasionally as we work, stripping the plastic casing, always talking Matshikiza, “Iris is back,” she tells me.
“And fat,” I say as we break off the metal transformer bit, “I saw her last week.”
“Returned from the farm, yes, she was clean but there was no work, now her weight is already going” and then we have to unstrand the copper wire, but there’s more copper in the cables and we need every bit we can get, and we take to trying to burn off the plastic and someone comes out a door and shouts, “FUCK OFF PARAS” and so we amble away and find a parking lot to mine our copper.
While we burn and strip and break, her hair occasionally catches a flame and singes or flames and she brushes these forest fires off like mosquitoes. “Iris was raped by a customer the other night, but she is so not wys, you know. She went to the cops. They asked her if he paid, and then told her it wasn’t rape.”
In the fading light Matshikiza shakes her hair shampoo commercial, away from the flames, “ I am not sure if the client or the cop beat her, but her eye is fucked.”
Some boys they come past us and we find out the late night scrap yard opens in half an hour and they only pay R90 a kilogram. One of the boys wants Matshikiza to go with him to the bush, so they do and I carry on stripping the wires, burning the plastic until I am sick with acrid.
The other boy stays with me, the tiknitian, out of worn holes his backpack streams wires and broken cellphone bits and random scraps of previous technology and he paces and talks to himself anxiously, starts as if being interrupted, the familiar crys-style comforting me as I choke on plastic smoke.
Matshikiza returns with R25. We walk to the scrap merchant. He weighs us in at 400 grams, we get R40. We have R65, enough for a cap and a small piece to share.
We make it back to the open air broken building para city, a field of people huddled under black rubbish bags trying to smoke and we get a cap and a piece and we get inside the black plastic and it smells of plastic and we smell of burnt plastic and the sweat of the day and I can tell the withdrawal is coming because I am getting my sense of smell back, and a half cap isn’t going to do it but that’s what there is and I get my foil and Matshikiza loads on a dot, and I pull in, and then we dot through it, levering in the secondary smoke, dots to prevent waste, the sickness must be diminished, feeling a small bit of relief, saving the crack for just before we have to walk back up the hill from town to Percy Osbourne, where she works and I can ask people for help, and I lean back -as much as is possible inside a black garbage bag – and say, “things are bad today.”
Exhaling, we are close under the plastic, in a very tiny room, the light is gone outside and we can only see each other when the lighter sparks on. I tell her I’ve been trying to get into Newlands rehab, because I need a free rehab, but they want me to get clean first.
Matshikiza laughs. “I went to Newlands, the orderlies there, they trade nyaope for clothes or toiletries or whatever you can give. Everyone smokes there. But they charge more, so I came back.”
We hit the crack and take off the black plastic and the street lights and the people and the rustling of so many people under black plastic whispering and exhaling and we start to walk up the hill, the taxis and the rankness, the scattered pavement cookeries, the hustling shouts dying out, behind me somewhere is the Denis Hurley Centre.
Unsure now how to make our next plan and it must be made soon we stumble past the mosque where the last few styrofoams of Ramadan briyani are being handed out, and Matshikiza flirts one away from the packing up staff and we sit on the pavement scooping with broken stryofoam scoops hot rice and chicken scraps into our not hungry mouths in service of out hungry stomachs, swapping with compatriots the street gossip of the day, trying to figure out a plan.
Limping now towards Percy Street, we meet up with Grant, he’s heard I have Suboxone and so we go with him to the strip-club he dances at, and sell the Suboxone half price to the owner’s son who has a son who is trying to get clean, in order to return to school.
And we walk up to the nymandawo, to the dealers who chase us with stones, and we buy caps and pieces and steel ourselves for the walk up to the church garden to smoke
The hill ahead of us, but we will not smoke until we are safe in the garden, away from sharing, we drag ourselves up hill wreathed in eddies of mynah call.
On the corner by Venice road, Iris and her detached retina, a wary lollipop ready with okapi.
Another corner, a blankness on the pavement, an absence of mummifying cat.
We collapse into the church garden, sweating and sticky with hints of burning plastic, coal smoke, lingering briyani, various detritus, breathing in the vinegar fumes of heroin running down the foil, we have enough not to dot. Soon we fade into the intimacy of opiate oblivion. Before she sleeps she says, “Iris is lucky, she has a farm to go back to.”
In the crisp cavern of the night, a warm incursion of hand shakes Matshikiza awake, he has business for her. As she stands some of the sticks and leaves have joined into the jetsam of her hair, the glow of the street light outlines the church vaguely. She has finished sharing for the day, and will not return.
Soon it is only my own warmth left in the nest.
The withdrawal will wake me in about three hours.
Reality is that, which when you stop believing in it, does not go away
from 3c0
It’s a time to be, and a time to share. To give a piece of yourself to your purpose. On this path, you must therefore let go of people and things that do not align with that purpose.
“Not all [blank]…,” he said.
You are in service of others. You feel and think deeply for others. If you cannot feel deeply about someone in your midst and that you cannot envision them as part of your purpose… then why venture forth. It’s time to say goodbye. It’s time to go.
“What do you secretly wish for?
Perhaps, this isn’t a question for me, but for him.
from
Micropoemas
Hasta bajo techo, llueve. Somos un lago que se evapora. Rocío.
from 下川友
10年ほど前から腰の不調があり、デスクワークがほとんどできなくなっていた。 痛いというよりは、むしろ気持ち悪い。 腰から来る不快感のようなもので、常に吐き気に近い感覚があった。
この、なんとなく気持ち悪いという感覚を医者に伝えても、うまく取り合ってもらえない。 感覚的な表現でしか説明できないものは、専門的に言語化されていないと理解されにくい。
会社の上司などを見ていても感じるが、努力不足だったり、正しい言語に正規化しないまま言葉を渡したりする事に対してやたら厳しい人がいる。 自分で努力するべきだ、という価値観を無自覚に押し付けてくる。 そして、その押し付けすら気づいていないように見える。
だから世の中は少し生きづらい。 感覚的なものをそのまま受け取ろうとしない人が富裕層に多すぎる。 結局、そういう人たちが作ったルールに従わざるを得ない。 中には甘えるなと言ってくる人もいる始末。
まあいい。
とにかく、腰がずっとつらかった。 回したり、ほぐしたりを繰り返しているうちに、ある時ふと腰の違和感が消えた。 しかし今度は、お尻や太ももに同じような気持ち悪さが出てきた。 やはり痛みではなく、不快感だ。
特に左側。 左の太ももあたりをほぐしていると、今度は左の脇に詰まるような感覚が出てくる。 左腕を横に伸ばすとどこかで引っかかる。 ただ不快なだけで、原因の場所が特定できない。
そんなことを繰り返しながら、たまに普段しない動きをしたときに、偶然その原因に当たることがある。 その時は、そこを重点的にほぐす。
昨日はお尻の下に硬さを見つけて、そこを退治した。 ただ、まだ脇の詰まりと首まわりの違和感は残っている。
良い整体師の見つけ方も分からない。 自分にとってまだこの世界はまだ全然優しくない。
from
ThruxBets
3.45 Ripon Yorkshire’s Garden Racecourse kicks off it’s 2026 season today and in 3.45, Tim Easterby has won the race twice since 2019. His MISTER SOX seems to have a really solid each way chance here ticking plenty of boxes; 7/2/4p at the course, goes well fresh, ground and trip ideal, 4/2/3p in April and is 16/6/10p on an undulating course like Ripon. From what I can make out there should be plenty of pace for him to aim at and he should find this easier than recent assignments. The only real negative is his mark which ideally could do with being a couple of pounds lower, but he was half a length third off the same 79 he goes off today on his last run at the track in a class 2. Should be really competitive here.
MISTER SOX // 0.5pt E/W @ 17/2 5 places (Bet365) BOG
I also looked at the last race at Ripon and I couldn’t split the Harriet Bethell trained pair of Milteye and On The River here, as both have good chances. I’d also have given the old boy Garden Oasis, an each way chance here if it hadn’t been for the recent rain, but that has put me off. So just a watching brief in the race for me.
from Ledger.com/Start®| Getting Started — Ledger Support™
Ledger.com/start – Your Complete Guide to Setting Up a Ledger Wallet Securely
What is Ledger.com/start?
Ledger.com/start is the official onboarding page provided by Ledger to help users safely set up their hardware wallets. Whether you're new to cryptocurrency or an experienced investor, this page ensures you follow the correct steps to protect your digital assets from theft, scams, and unauthorized access.
Using Ledger’s official setup process is crucial because it minimizes the risk of phishing attacks and ensures your device is genuine and uncompromised.
Why You Should Use Ledger.com/start
Setting up your crypto wallet through Ledger.com/start offers several advantages:
Official and secure setup instructions Protection against counterfeit devices Step-by-step guidance for beginners Direct access to Ledger Live software Enhanced asset security with hardware encryption
Skipping the official setup process can expose your funds to serious risks, so it’s always recommended to start here.
Step-by-Step Guide to Get Started 1. Visit Ledger.com/start
Go to the official setup page using your browser. Make sure the URL is correct to avoid phishing websites.
Select your device model (such as Ledger Nano S Plus or Ledger Nano X) to receive tailored instructions.
Install Ledger Live, the official application used to manage your crypto assets, check balances, and install apps.
⚠️ Never share your recovery phrase with anyone.
Once your wallet is set up, you can add different cryptocurrency accounts and start managing your assets securely.
Key Security Tips for Ledger Users Always access the setup via Ledger.com/start Never enter your recovery phrase on any website Verify device authenticity during setup Keep your recovery phrase offline and safe Avoid third-party setup guides that ask for sensitive information Common Issues and How to Fix Them
Device not connecting? Try switching USB ports or using a different cable.
Ledger Live not installing? Ensure your system meets the minimum requirements and download only from the official source.
Forgot PIN? You can reset the device, but you’ll need your recovery phrase to restore access.
Benefits of Using a Ledger Hardware Wallet Offline storage (cold wallet security) Protection from malware and hackers Support for multiple cryptocurrencies Easy-to-use interface with Ledger Live Industry-leading encryption technology Final Thoughts
Using Ledger.com/start is the safest way to begin your journey with a Ledger hardware wallet. By following the official instructions, you ensure your crypto assets remain secure and under your control.