There is a truth so simple that most people overlook it, but so profound that once you hear it with your spirit awake, it can change the way you live every single day of your life:

You can’t add days to your life, but you can add life to your days.

This is not just a phrase. This is not just a motivational line. This is not something you slap on a coffee mug or a wall calendar and forget about.

This is a spiritual principle. A wake-up call. A reminder straight from the heartbeat of God that the value of your life has never been measured by how long you walk this earth, but by how deeply you walk with Him while you’re here.

We live in a world that counts everything—calories, steps, dollars, minutes, deadlines, achievements—but somehow forgets to count the things that actually make a soul come alive.

People spend their days trying to stretch time, bargain with time, manage time, escape time, and outrun time. But the truth is this:

Time was never meant to be your master. It was meant to be your servant.

And when you finally understand that, your entire relationship with life changes.

Let’s go deeper. Let’s explore what it really means to “add life to your days” and how God invites you into a joy-filled, purpose-packed, love-saturated way of living that has nothing to do with the length of your years and everything to do with the depth of your soul.

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The Silent Tragedy: Living Without Really Living

Most people don’t realize they’ve stopped living. They don’t recognize when real life slipped out of their hands. They don’t notice when passion faded, dreams stalled, joy dimmed, purpose drifted, and spiritual hunger became a quiet ache buried under busyness.

They wake up exhausted. Go to work empty. Come home overwhelmed. Scroll through life instead of experiencing it. React instead of reflect. Stress instead of grow. Sleep instead of live.

And it happens so slowly that they don’t even feel the death of their own joy. They just feel the numbness.

You can be surrounded by people and feel alone. You can accomplish everything society celebrates and still feel hollow. You can be breathing but not alive. You can have years ahead of you but not truly have “life.”

This is the tragedy Scripture warns us about—not physical death, but spiritual sleep.

Ephesians 5:14 calls out:

“Awake, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

This is not a call to the grave. It is a call to the living who have stopped living.

God isn’t trying to extend your time— He’s trying to awaken your soul.

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Jesus Lived a Short Life, But a Full One

If life were measured by duration, Jesus’ earthly life would look shockingly short:

Only about 33 years. Only about 36 months of ministry. Only about 1,000 days of walking, teaching, healing, and transforming the world.

And yet no other life has ever had more power, more love, more purpose, more weight, or more eternal consequence.

Jesus proves something the world constantly forgets:

It’s not how long you live— it’s how deeply you love, how boldly you serve, how purposefully you walk, how surrendered you are to God, and how fiercely you shine in the days you’re given.

Jesus did not try to stretch time. He filled time. He infused every moment with intention.

When He walked into a village, something changed. When He touched someone, something healed. When He spoke, something awakened. When He prayed, heaven moved. When He loved, eternity took shape.

Jesus didn’t live long. Jesus lived well.

And the question every believer must wrestle with is this:

If the Son of God Himself focused on fullness instead of length, why would we chase the opposite?

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Adding Life to Your Days Starts by Adding God to Your Priorities

You add life to your days the moment you begin to put God at the start of everything rather than the edge of everything.

When prayer becomes your first instinct instead of your last resort— you add life to your days.

When worship replaces worry— you add life to your days.

When gratitude washes away grumbling— you add life to your days.

When Scripture feeds your mind more than social media— you add life to your days.

When compassion arrives before criticism— you add life to your days.

When you surrender instead of stress— you add life to your days.

Life becomes richer, deeper, and more meaningful not because circumstances change, but because you do. Your walk with God defines the quality of your days far more than the conditions around you.

A life that is spiritually awake can find beauty in a storm, joy in suffering, purpose in pain, and gratitude in the ordinary.

---

Love Is the Oxygen That Fills Your Days With Life

Adding life to your days means adding love to your days—intentional, real, God-saturated love.

Every time you love someone well, your soul expands.

Every moment you forgive instead of holding on, you free yourself.

Every time you encourage someone who’s weary, you breathe life into another heart.

Every moment you prioritize presence over distraction, you honor the time God has given you.

Every time you choose kindness over convenience, you align yourself with the heart of Christ.

Love is not an emotion. Love is your ministry. Love is your calling. Love is your greatest contribution to this world.

At the end of your life, people won’t remember your accomplishments, titles, or possessions. They will remember how you loved them.

Love is the one thing that keeps living after you’re gone.

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Stop Waiting for a Perfect Season Before You Start Living

One of the biggest lies the enemy whispers is this:

“You’ll really live… later.”

Later… when you feel ready. Later… when things calm down. Later… when the timing feels right. Later… when you’re healed. Later… when you’re successful. Later… when your problems shrink. Later… when life finally slows.

But later is not a season. Later is an excuse.

Life doesn’t start later. Life starts now.

Joy begins when you choose it. Healing begins when you allow it. Purpose begins when you step into it. Obedience begins when you stop resisting it. Love begins when you decide to give it freely. Abundance begins when you remove what is draining your soul and add what fills it.

Every day you postpone your purpose, you lose a day of living.

And God, in His mercy, invites you to stop waiting for perfect conditions and instead walk in His perfect grace.

---

Healing the Heart Creates Room for More Life

Some people don’t add life to their days because their heart is so full of pain that there's no room left for joy, gratitude, or purpose.

You cannot live fully while carrying the weight of:

• Past wounds
• Old betrayals
• Toxic memories
• Deep resentment
• Self-blame
• Guilt that should have been surrendered years ago
• Shame God already forgave
• Bitterness that poisons every new blessing

Life becomes lighter when your soul becomes empty of the things that kill life from the inside.

Forgiveness is not a gift to the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is the gift that returns your life to you.

Healing from God does not change your past— it changes the meaning of your past and restores your future.

When God heals the broken places, life flows again. Joy breathes again. Hope stands up again. Purpose wakes up again. Your days become sacred again.

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Presence Is the Secret Ingredient of a Full Life

You cannot add life to your days if you are never in the day you’re living.

Presence is spiritual obedience. Presence is worship. Presence is gratitude in action.

Life is happening:

• In the child who wants your attention
• In the spouse who longs for connection
• In the conversation that could lead to healing
• In the quiet moment where God whispers to your heart
• In the sunset that lasts only a few minutes
• In the kindness you show a stranger
• In the prayer you whisper while doing ordinary things

When you are present, small things become holy things. Ordinary moments become eternal ones. Your days feel longer not because they are extended, but because they are lived.

The person who is truly present experiences ten times more life than the person who is always distracted.

Presence is the art of honoring the moment God has already blessed you with.

---

Purpose Turns Every Ordinary Day Into Something Sacred

You don’t add life to your days by accident. You add life by intention.

Every morning, before your feet hit the floor, you have the power to declare:

“God, I don’t know how many days I have left, but I want this one to reflect Your heart. Use me today. Guide me today. Speak through me today. Let me make today count.”

Purpose does not need applause. Purpose does not need recognition. Purpose does not need ideal conditions. Purpose does not wait for clarity. Purpose walks with faith even when the path is dim.

You add life to your days when you see every moment as an opportunity to honor God, love people, and grow into the person He created you to be.

A life of purpose is a life that refuses to waste what God has entrusted to you.

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A Fully Alive Life Begins in the Presence of God

When you walk closely with God, everything becomes more vivid:

• Gratitude becomes deeper
• Peace becomes stronger
• Joy becomes warmer
• Love becomes easier
• Stress becomes smaller
• Pain becomes endurable
• Hope becomes unshakeable
• Moments become meaningful

Walking with God does not guarantee a long life, but it guarantees a full one.

A life anchored in Him carries a richness the world cannot duplicate.

You don’t need more time to live beautifully. You need more God in the time you already have.

---

A Prayer for a Heart That Wants to Live Fully

“Father, thank You for this day— a day You handcrafted with intention, hope, and purpose. Teach me to stop counting the days and start filling the days with Your love. Help me live present. Help me love boldly. Help me forgive quickly. Help me walk closely with You. Heal what has drained me, revive what has died in me, and awaken what You planted in me. Let today overflow with Your life. Make my heart fully alive. In Jesus’ name, amen.”

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A Final Word: Life Begins Where Fear Ends and Faith Begins

You don’t need a longer life to make a bigger difference. You don’t need more time to leave a deeper impact. You don’t need a perfect season to start living.

All you need is a heart awake, a spirit surrendered, and a willingness to say:

“Lord, I want to live fully in every day You give me.”

Because the truth stands strong:

You can’t add days to your life. But when God is your source… your strength… your purpose… your joy… your peace… your anchor…

you can absolutely add life to your days.

And starting today— you will.

---

Watch Douglas Vandergraph’s inspiring faith-based videos on YouTube

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Douglas Vandergraph

#faith #motivation #inspiration #Jesus #hope #encouragement

Let's start with the #AdventOfProgress.

Today I have planned out the frame of the application. The tech stack will be Expo.dev (React Native) and Supabase. This stack is what I had in mind for most of the time. First, I also wanted to add NativeWind for styling, but for now I want to start as clean as possible and focus on what is really needed to get out an MVP.

I've started with setting up expo.dev. I quickly run into some problems with the simulator, which was unable to start.

Error Message:

› Opening on iOS...
Error: xcrun simctl boot <DEVICE-ID> exited with non-zero code: 2
An error was encountered processing the command (domain=NSPOSIXErrorDomain, code=2):
Unable to boot device because we cannot determine the runtime bundle.
No such file or directory

So this needed a fix first. The web version was booting quite nicely with the expo-router.

The quick and dirty one was removing the .expo folder and running pnpm expo run:ios with a fresh simulator. I needed to delete the broken one. I got the ID from the error message, so I had to run xcrun simctl delete <DEVICE_ID> and if I did not forget anything, this was it. Sadly, I wasted around an hour on this. :(

Moreover, the simulator needs to be booted so Expo can work with it.

The flow is now that I boot the iOS Simulator and run pnpm start followed by a keypress of i to open the app inside the Simulator. For this, I've added a script "boot:ios": "xcrun simctl boot \"AppName\"

The simple way is now pnpm boot:ios followed by a pnpm ios. 🥳

Here is the first screenshot:

---

59 of #100DaysToOffload
#log #AdventOfProgress
_Thoughts?

JOURNAL 1er décembre 2025

On va se coucher de bonne heure. La vie des Japonais c'est se lever manger travailler manger dormir. Et encore, ma chérie fait partie des privilégiées et moi aussi, on n'est pas abruties de travail on a le temps de vivre et réfléchir et même de méditer sous les arbres en oubliant de manger.

Je reviens sur ma vie sous l'autorité de mon frère aîné de 6 à 12 ans. J'y ai beaucoup réfléchi ce matin dans la forêt. Oui il m'a traitée très durement, trop durement, on traite pas comme ça une petite fille, mais je ne lui en veux plus. Il n'imaginait pas, il était incapable de réaliser les souffrances qu'il m'imposait, les efforts qu'il me demandait, c'était pour lui quelque chose de naturel c’est ainsi qu'on devait former une fille de samuraï, car c’est ainsi qu'il concevait alors les choses, entièrement sous l’influence de la mythologie familiale. Il avait 18 ans faut pas oublier. La brutalité de notre père était la règle à la maison, tout le monde devait s’y conformer, de plus en tant que seule fille de la famille j'étais considérée comme rien, et le fait de vouloir me former aux techniques de combat traditionnelles était une façon de me revaloriser, de me viriliser en quelque sorte, et donc mon frère mettait le paquet pour rattraper l'erreur fondamentale de la nature qui ne m'avait pas donné une quéquette, et de plus m'avait dotée d'un caractère rêveur, comme du reste mon troisième frère et lui aussi avait dû se réformer avant moi. À douze ans quand j'ai été confiée à mon oncle pédophile, j'étais très en avance pour mon âge dans la maîtrise des deux sabres, comme ces personnages de légende des romans médiévaux. Et je suis aujourd'hui persuadée que la dureté impitoyable de ce dressage m'a sauvé la vie et permis de supporter trois ans de mauvais traitements dans la secte plus tard. Je pense que moralement je n'aurais pas pu tenir et sans doute, pas physiquement non plus. Je vois donc maintenant les six ans d'entraînement forcé d'un autre œil. Par ailleurs je ne crois plus comme je l'ai supposé un temps que ce soit là que je doive chercher l'origine réelle de mes troubles, ni la négation de la douleur ni le refus de mon apparence féminine. C’est plus ancien, plus profond, plus refoulé, comme me le suggèrent mes psys et comme ils pensent que je le sais au fond de moi, et que je commence à l´entrevoir après y avoir profondément réfléchi ce matin dans cette séance de méditation particulièrement profonde au point d'en oublier ma faim. Et je sens un grand soulagement d'avoir définitivement effacé toute rancune à l'encontre de mon frère. Je crains pour lui qu’il reste beaucoup plus marqué que moi par ces souvenirs douloureux sur lesquels je ne reviendrai plus ici. Je lui dirai : « Frangin c’est définitivement réglé pour moi, ces cicatrices-là ne marquent plus mon âme, ne t’en fais pas, tu m'as en fin de compte permis de survivre et je dois t'en remercier, et c’est cela que tu dois maintenant considérer puisque les bienfaits ont compensé les erreurs de jugement. »

La vie le destin se rient de nous et nous enseignent à ne pas nous arrêter aux apparences, mais à apprendre à lire les voies compliquées des relations entre les faits.

As a former mac user, I also liked the dock. Since I am now back at niri, I wanted to have not only a statusbar (with waybar), but also a kind of dock again.

As I now had a lot of experience with customising the waybar, it made sense to convert it into a kind of dock.

One quickly reaches the limitations of waybar, but with 1-2 tricks I can be quite satisfied (at the moment).

DotFiles:

You can find the whole setup in my dotfiles on codeberg: https://codeberg.org/Nasendackel/dotfiles

Step 1: A “Start” Menu

You need to create a custom module that accesses an XML file. The commands are specified in the config of waybar and the XML provides the menu structure in GTK.

waybar conf:

"custom/startmenu": {
    "format" : " ",
    "tooltip": false,
    "menu": "on-click",
    "menu-file": "~/.config/waybar/startmenu.xml",
    "menu-actions": {
		"about": "~/.config/niri/bin/about.sh",
		"info": "resources",
        	"shutdown": "systemctl poweroff",
        	"reboot": "systemctl reboot",
		"suspend": "systemctl suspend",
		"lock": "swaylock -f",
    },
},

startmenu.xml:

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?>
<interface>
<object class="GtkMenu" id="menu">
 	<child>
		<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="about">
			<property name="label"> About</property>
    		</object>
	</child>
	<child>
		<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="info">
			<property name="label"> Ressources</property>
    		</object>
	</child>
	<child>
      		<object class="GtkSeparatorMenuItem" id="delimiter1"/>
    	</child>
    	<child>
		<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="lock">
			<property name="label"> Lock Screen</property>
        	</object>
	</child>
	<child>
        	<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="suspend">
			<property name="label"> Suspend</property>
        	</object>
	</child>
   	<child>
        	<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="reboot">
			<property name="label">󰑓 Reboot</property>
        	</object>
    	</child>
  	<child>
        	<object class="GtkMenuItem" id="shutdown">
			<property name="label">  Shutdown</property>
        	</object>
	</child>
</object>
</interface>

Step 2: Taskbar Module

The taskbar module lists all open apps. Unfortunately, you can only create shortcuts or list open apps with the Waybar. A classic dock is not possible. However, since I have assigned all important apps to shortcuts, only the display of open apps is sufficient for me.

It is important to set ‘sort-by-app-id’ to true so that the apps are grouped and sorted accordingly (see Step 4).

waybar conf:

"wlr/taskbar": {
	"format": "{icon}",
	"icon-theme": "Papirus",
	"icon-size": 32,
	"on-click": "minimize-raise",
	"active-first": false,
	"sort-by-app-id": true,
	"app_ids-mapping": {
		"kitty": "10_kitty",
		"librewolf": "20_librewolf",
		"firefox": "21_firefox",
		"chromium-browser": "23_chromium",
		"thunderbird-esr": "30_thunderbird",
		"dev.geopjr.Tuba": "31_tuba",
		"org.gnome.Fractal": "32_fractal",
		"signal": "33_signal",
	},
},

Step 3: Style

CSS is great because I understand it. The waybar and its modules can be customised easily.

waybar style.css:

#custom-startmenu {
  font-size: 24px;
  background-position: 6px center;
  background-repeat: no-repeat;
  background-size: 38px;
  border-style: hidden;
  padding:6px 20px 4px 20px;
  border-radius:1rem;
  background-image: url('niri-icon2.svg');
  background-color: @accent;
  margin:0 0 0 4px;
  border-bottom: 2px solid transparent;
}

#custom-startmenu:hover {
  background-image: url('niri-icon0.svg');
}

#taskbar {
  margin:0;
}

#taskbar button {
  font-size: 24px;
  background-position: center center;
  background-repeat: no-repeat;
  background-size: 32px;
  border-style: hidden;
  padding:6px 8px 4px 8px;
  margin:0 0 0 12px;
  background-color: @theme_base_color;
  border-radius: 1rem;
  border-bottom: 2px solid transparent;
}

#taskbar button.active {
  border-bottom: 2px solid @accent;
}

#taskbar button:hover {
  border-bottom: 2px solid @accent;
}

Step 4: Sorting icons

Now it's getting dirty. Sorting / grouping by app-id has the disadvantage that waybar here goes bluntly by alphabet. But I would like to sort by the workspaces ... is not possible!

So a little trick ... Rename the app-id with a numbering. I follow the assignment in config.kdl in niri. Terminal is always on workspace 1, browser on 2 and everything with communication on workspace 3. (See step 2).

But now there is another problem. By renaming the app, the waybar can no longer find the icon.

This means that .local/share/applications according .desktop files with the same name must be created.

Example 10_kitty.desktop:

[Desktop Entry]
Version=1.0
Type=Application
Name=kitty
Icon=utilities-x-terminal
NoDisplay=true

NoDisplay=true is important to not display it in dmenu (like rofi).

Our Father Who art in heaven Hallowed be Thy name Thy Kingdom come Thy will be done on Earth as it is in heaven Give us this day our daily Bread And forgive us our trespasses As we forgive those who trespass against us And lead us not into temptation But deliver us from evil

Amen

Jesus is Lord! Come Lord Jesus!

Come Lord Jesus! Christ is Lord!

Wed-3-DK 🇩🇰

By Nightflight upon range Mixed landing for the Sanhedrin Prayers for the African Be it who made each detainment In a century of war There are mechanics at leisure And places for attack Impressionable feasting without servants Mystery bars of gold Kushner in peril Courthouses and cars and cars and cars The putin dilemma is for oil to keep on spilling At last there is nothing but war And we invited the Russians to Russia Why fly when there is fever Plain yogurt on offer Bring lead Why, trying times You are art and you are bust And the terror-man is generally for admiration To courses about corruption Russians swinging with society Apple knows exactly what happens, when in Russia Pre-Cambrian dinner With no photo op For thoughts about when to invade

Wander, Saunter Blue

In times of proportion A Maliseet friend And irving makes no apologies To the detriment of time Screaming No mercy I had the time of a Canadian Truly Apostolic Unfair to my Yukon ways Unto four men in an apartment All were certain for existence Making presents by limelight Scraping just to get by

I am circled by a friend And have new relations with Santa On my bigger lay would recognize The assumptions of a roofer But there were days between promise And I mostly stole men’s pride For dancing reindeer-like On account of new Prime Minister Like the big one in the States But grand omen Queen and Country There was certainess to this being Mostly seeing hearts in pair While relying on Good Europe

But enough of the ale There are men who die for Winter As chefs, and trumpeters, and clowns A fortune in Jamaica — not here The right hand of a sauntering man Likes to see what goes Into the coin return and the palace it built No luckier than me

And boots and bonnets clear In time for secretary’s win I print by day and use the stars For winningness and beauty

But farewell to Europe War In months a man is beheaded To the Kings and Queens, A royal regard, That not all days are hell

Once a powerful earthquake In the logic of Aberdeen Waiting days and nights, but no more The hell to pay is prediction Absolute a money win And Jenga’s Craig This ruthless ally knows

In City and by the papers A polite and wicked people Who give no sonnet of opinion Of Royals and the Other Thinking Spare A man who prays And causes Heaven Bits of consular, And knighthood, And respite .. And Respect

Off with days of indignity To the fully qualified Sir Keir I blip til days are better still In respect and seeing blue- The time of year In Others’ Winter And landing like life, Like new

In the days of elder firm belief There are heroes like the Lithuanian- The One who fell Six hundred floors While praying Search In Christ For the missing in light And props for mere prayers A Queen to rescue mayhem But six across is in the net, I’m dreaming and I know

Love for London,

Jeff

How I Won The Russian Election

Champagne and dirty roses A course of wallops to renew Lairs of fire and lockup A new constitution Grey and green and great Where whales dare to go We had one party And one prison The desperate to decide Derail nothing but their own And in prejudice I carry a knife Thinking this is holy But due to what- An ambulance for Navalny Throes of temptation to let him be And officers greeted me there I had a wish To be great in America too And decided better days Were red, white, and blue

👎

Stranger Things Season 5, Part 1 Netflix

The Stranger Things franchise is a hot mess. Bloated, convoluted plot, a chorus of characters to track, and the stars are now adults playing teens. But by the fourth episode of Part 1, I was back in.

The epic Boss Battle of Part 1 is the best action sequence I’ve watched all year. The Sorcerer twist was a solid payoff of nine years of loyalty and character development.

The show is a crockpot stew of nerd nostalgia, 80s revivalism, and theme-park thrills. That flavor remains even as the show expands, both in the story and its megawatt popularity.

Finish it

#StrangerThings #TVReview #Netflix #SciFi #PopCulture #FediTV #Television #100WordReview #Larrys100 #100DaysToOffload

botella uno yo te veo bien

botella dos bien bien no estoy

botella tres es que quiere tener solera / ser una antigüedad

botella uno pero si es una monada

botella dos yo me veo común / común común

botella tres no eres antigua pero vintage sí que eres

botella dos de vidrio malo

botella uno no hables así / llevas un magnífico tapón que heredaste de tu abuela

botella tres perteneció a Isabel II

botella dos no te burles de mí

botella uno lo más importante es la educación que te hemos dado

botella tres y lo que ha costado

botella dos eso no sirve de nada / ahora todo es como lo ven a uno

botella uno te equivocas / hay jóvenes que valoran la educación

botella tres y no ha llevado bebidas gaseosas ni embriagantes

botella dos ni de ninguna clase

botella tres no dramatices

botella uno has llevado agua / y a mucho honor

botella dos para eso me trajeron al mundo / qué desgracia

botella tres la juventud

botella uno tú eras peor / presumiste ser de buen coñac francés

botella tres y lo fui hasta que te conocí

botella uno ja

/ fin

A zine chronicling the Conquering the Barbarian Altanis D&D campaign.

This issue does not feature any session reports. Instead, I catch up with questions from other Ever & Anon APA contributors.

You can download the issue here.

Overlord's Annals zine is available as part of the Ever & Anon APA, issue 6:

#Zine

Drove home, and then needed to throw up. But trips over. Love E so much.

I underestimated how nice a wireless keyboard would be. Because the keyboard on my laptop is alright. And I like typing, but I've also started talking more into my computer and started liking it even more.

But the biggest gain is not in the – initially not so certain, but after some testing definitely appreciated, and markedly – improved typing feel, but in the freedom to move further away from the screen and sit in different postures – like in the lotus seat in front of the desk, with the keyboard on the back of my right heel.

And I can even still trigger the voice dictation tool from this posture with the wireless keyboard. (Which feels odd at times, even when I'm all on my own.)

The rotating knob in the top right corner, that I had to put in there by myself – so far it seems like I overrated it. I still change volume by pressing the volume buttons. What's nice is that I can also press it.

And also that I can change the colored background lighting by pressing Fn + Arrow keys on the keyboard. Instead of the keys around the one I press lighting up in light blue I now have the whole keyboard glowing in orange.

I've always held the opinion that we can demonize public figures, Hitler, all the people who’ve committed horrible things all we want, but we all have to remember, that everyone has a little bit of Hitler in them. The evil that was in Hitler’s heart is the same evil that resides inside your heart, and my heart. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a shitter, and by many standards, not a good person.

“A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart.” (Proverbs 21:2-3)

People who know me will disagree with my statement. But they’ve never seen the thoughts that fly through my head, and they don’t know that I take delight in evil.

Sometimes, I just want to see the world burn. I’m not so psychopathic that I’ll see a dead person and smile, but I am happy when people around me encounter miserable events in their lives. And it’s all because I’m miserable pretty much all the time. I just want to see them feel as unhappy as I do. Yesterday, I heard a member of the worship team at church talk about some church drama that was going on, and how the team had abruptly gotten disbanded. I must have been jealous of the close community that they had together, because I admit I had to stop myself from cracking a smile, imagining that community fall apart. So that each of them could be as lonely and empty as I feel every day. And it’s not like these are people I hate, either. I think they love God, and I think highly of them. It’s fucking horrible, I know. But this is the truth. Why can’t I be happy for other people when they are happy, despite whatever I’m going through? Why do I wish that everyone would drop to my level, instead of wishing that I could be as happy as other people around me?

I also am a hedonist.

No Face, a spirit inside the movie Spirited Away, is a spirit that possesses an insatiable hunger, and grows bigger and bigger, consuming everything in its path. When I see this guy, I see myself. Except instead of having a bottomless stomach, I feel like I have a hole in my mine, so that everything I eat fulfills for a moment, and falls out, leaving me empty again. And instead of food, I consume pleasure. I don’t drink anymore, but I still haven’t been able to cut porn and masturabation from my life, and I still browse internet reel slop for insane amounts of time. Sometimes, I feel possessed, and I can’t stop myself, no matter how much I want to, and like there’s a monster in me doing things that I don’t actually want to do. But I must want to do it, because that monster is just my desire.

I also hate authority. This comes from pride. Because I hate when people tell me what to do.

I also like watching that yuri shit and that menhera shit. Yuri because it’s saccharine sweet. It’s not hot to me, but emotionally satisfying for some reason. Menhera shit because misery loves company, and I fantasize about falling into a deep pit of a degenerate lifestyle of giving up on everything.

And the list goes on and on. Christianity is not a religion about do’s and don’ts, and endless rituals to appease a God. God cannot be appeased by our works alone, and, if I understand correctly, really is a God that desires our hearts and a faith in him more than anything. Of course, God is pleased by good deeds, but for our deeds to even be considered good, God judges our hearts and decides if it is in the right place. Yet faith without works is also dead.

This is a big concern of mine because I have a deep-seated fear that Jesus will cast me away from him on judgement day, saying that He did not know me (related article explaining this). The article paraphrases this sentiment.

“Jesus is saying to the five foolish virgins, ‘I don’t see in you the life, the evidence, of loving my name and departing from evil. You’re not mine. I don’t know you.’” (from the article)

Love has emotional components to it, but also many actional components to it, and I feel like I have so much evil already in my life that I do, not because I’m unaware of it, but because I’m either unwilling to cut it out because I love my sin too much, and or I’m wrestling with it, and losing. I’m to love God more than anything, including the sin in my life, and if I don’t depart from my sin, isn’t it evidence that I don’t even love God more than the sin in my life?

At this point, I just want to give up. For the past 3 weeks, I’ve had some life-ending depression, that I think was maybe triggered by watching porn again. I don’t have much hope left in me. I don’t even have many thoughts anymore. Even if I marry, I have no confidence I can do my family justice. I don’t know if I have anything good to offer this world in other respects either. I have such large mood swings all the time that I don’t trust my emotions to tell me the truth about anything anymore.

I just want to give up on myself. GOOD BYE!!!!!!!!

#personal

The Rules.

I can go on and on about the rules and regulations of this great sport we call football. The rules matter, how they are enforced and adjudicated matter, and how they are created matters. Rulebooks should have some fluidity as they should be changed when needed. However, they also should not be changed all the time or changed just for the sake of change.

One of the biggest differences between the Brand New Shield and the NFL will be the processes in regards to creating and amending the rulebook. There will not be a couple committees who meet in posh locations a couple times a year with the most expensive food money can buy on the table. Let's get that out of the way first. There will also not be these weird votes on rules that are only among some extremely wealthy owners without others involved having a say. There needs to be a strong collaborative effort to create a rulebook that can be officiated and adjudicated by the refs both on the field and in the booth. Yes, there will be at least one ref in the booth during games of the Brand New Shield should games actually happen.

Honestly, the NFL Rulebook is one of the worst rulebooks ever written. It is filled with redundancy, ambiguity, rules that have exceptions that have exceptions that default back to the original rule, and of course some outright contradictions. I'm not going to go into all my gripes here, I just wanted to paint a general picture of what the problem is. The way the rulebook is written puts players, coaches, and the officials all at a disadvantage. Rulebooks should be as clear, concise, and objective as possible. The NFL Rulebook is none of those things.

One of the things that would make things better is to make challenges universal. Anything can be challenged, but you only have two challenges, which is very similar to how it works in the CFL. Making everything reviewable ensures that the game gets officiated and adjudicated correctly. Creating processes to make sure that challenges and reviews are handled efficiently and effectively is crucial to the success of any football league.

Using technology to assist officials is something else I have advocated for. Some kind of iterative offline technology with camera assistance could definitely be a boon for sports as a whole. It would have to be implemented correctly, but anything that improves officiating should be looked at and considered.

In conclusion, a better rulebook, officials in the booth in addition to on the field, and using technology to assist the officials when needed would all greatly improve the football experience.