Adolescence is a period of profound physical, emotional, and social transformation. While mood swings and occasional stress are normal parts of growing up, anxiety in teenagers can sometimes mask itself in unexpected ways. Unlike adults, who might explicitly state they feel worried or overwhelmed, teens often express their internal distress through subtle behavioral changes or physical complaints. Recognizing these hidden signs is crucial for parents, educators, and caregivers. Early intervention can prevent mild anxiety from escalating into a more severe mental health condition, ensuring your teen has the support they need to thrive.

Understanding Teen Anxiety Beyond the Obvious

When we think of anxiety, we often picture classic symptoms like rapid breathing, panic attacks, or constant verbal expressions of worry. However, teenage anxiety frequently presents differently. The teenage brain is still developing, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which governs impulse control and emotional regulation. Because of this, teens may lack the vocabulary or self-awareness to articulate their anxiety. Instead, their nervous system reacts to perceived threats by manifesting symptoms that can easily be misinterpreted as typical teenage rebellion, laziness, or attitude.

The Hidden Behavioral and Emotional Signs

Anxiety in adolescents often leaks out through changes in behavior and emotional responses. Being attuned to these shifts can help you identify when your teen is struggling beneath the surface.

Irritability and Unexplained Anger

One of the most common yet overlooked signs of anxiety in teenagers is irritability. When a teen is constantly in a state of high alert, their patience wears thin quickly. Minor inconveniences, such as a change in plans or a simple question about their day, might trigger disproportionate anger or frustration. This is not necessarily defiance. It is often a fight-or-flight response to underlying feelings of being overwhelmed and out of control.

Avoidance and Social Withdrawal

Anxiety thrives on avoidance. A teen who suddenly starts skipping extracurricular activities, avoiding social gatherings, or spending excessive time alone in their room may be trying to escape situations that trigger their anxiety. This withdrawal can also extend to academics. A previously engaged student might start avoiding homework or school altogether because the pressure feels unmanageable. It is important to view this avoidance not as laziness, but as a coping mechanism for overwhelming stress.

Perfectionism and Overachievement

While it might seem counterintuitive, extreme perfectionism can be a major red flag for anxiety. Teens who are terrified of making mistakes or failing may overcompensate by obsessing over grades, appearance, or performance. They may spend hours on a single assignment, rewrite notes repeatedly, or become deeply distressed by a minor critique. This relentless drive is often fueled by a deep-seated fear of not being good enough or facing harsh judgment.

Physical Symptoms Often Overlooked

Because teens may not recognize their emotional distress, their bodies often bear the burden. Somatic symptoms are physical manifestations of psychological stress and are highly prevalent in anxious adolescents.

Unexplained Aches and Pains

Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or muscle tension, especially before school or social events, are classic somatic signs of anxiety. If medical evaluations consistently rule out physical causes, it is highly likely that stress is the root of these discomforts. The body is quite literally holding onto the tension of an overactive nervous system.

Sleep Disturbances and Fatigue

Anxiety and sleep are deeply interconnected. A teen with anxiety may struggle to fall asleep because their mind races with worries about the future or replays social interactions from the day. Conversely, they might oversleep as a form of escape. Chronic sleep disruption inevitably leads to daytime fatigue, difficulty concentrating, and a further decline in emotional regulation, creating a vicious cycle.

How Parents and Caregivers Can Help

Supporting an anxious teenager requires patience, empathy, and a non-judgmental approach. Your reaction to their behavior can either escalate their anxiety or help them feel safe enough to open up.

Create a Safe, Non-Judgmental Space

Instead of immediately correcting or criticizing their behavior, approach them with curiosity and compassion. Use open-ended questions like, “I have noticed you seem a bit stressed lately, and I want to understand how you are feeling.” Validate their emotions by acknowledging that their feelings are real and understandable, even if the trigger seems minor to you.

Model Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Teens learn by observing the adults around them. Demonstrate healthy ways to manage stress in your own life. Talk openly about your own challenges and how you use strategies like deep breathing, taking walks, or setting boundaries to cope. Showing that managing mental health is a normal, ongoing practice removes the stigma and provides them with a practical blueprint.

When to Seek Professional Support

While parental support is invaluable, professional intervention is sometimes necessary to help a teen develop robust coping skills. If your teen's anxiety is significantly interfering with their daily functioning, academic performance, or relationships, it is time to seek expert guidance.

Engaging in Teens and Young Adults Therapy in Ottawa provides a confidential, supportive environment where adolescents can explore their feelings with a trained professional. Therapists use evidence-based approaches, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, to help teens identify distorted thought patterns, build emotional regulation skills, and gradually face their fears in a safe, structured manner.

Building Long-Term Resilience in Your Teen

Overcoming anxiety is not about eliminating stress entirely, but about building the resilience to navigate it effectively. Encourage your teen to maintain a balanced lifestyle that includes regular physical activity, nutritious meals, and adequate sleep. Help them cultivate hobbies and interests that provide a sense of accomplishment and joy outside of academic or social pressures.

If you are unsure how to best support your teen or if you feel overwhelmed by the situation yourself, consulting a licensed psychologist in Ottawa can provide you with tailored guidance. Professional support ensures that both you and your teen have the right tools and resources to foster a healthy, resilient mindset for the future.

Conclusion

Anxiety in teenagers is common, but it is not something they have to navigate alone. By looking beyond the surface and recognizing the hidden behavioral, emotional, and physical signs of anxiety, you can intervene early and effectively. Approach your teen with empathy, foster open communication, and do not hesitate to seek professional support when needed. With the right guidance and a strong support system, your teen can learn to manage their anxiety and step into adulthood with confidence and resilience.

Romantika

“ (... ) Bütün bu düşündüklerim, biliyorum, bütün bunlar romantika. Kaç yıldır ömrüm romantika.”

İzmir- Kültürpark, Bir Ömrün Seyrüseferi

Communication is the lifeblood of any healthy relationship. However, when stress, misunderstandings, or unresolved conflicts take over, couples can easily fall into destructive communication patterns. These negative cycles can quickly erode trust, breed resentment, and leave both partners feeling unheard and disconnected. The good news is that these patterns are not permanent. By recognizing the triggers and implementing intentional, evidence-based strategies, you can break the cycle and rebuild a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Understanding the Anatomy of a Negative Communication Cycle

Negative communication rarely happens in a vacuum. It is usually a predictable, repetitive loop where each partner's reaction fuels the other's distress. Understanding the mechanics of this loop is the first step toward dismantling it.

The Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

One of the most common patterns is the pursuer-distancer dynamic. One partner seeks closeness, validation, or resolution, often becoming critical or demanding when their needs are not met. The other partner feels overwhelmed or attacked, leading them to withdraw, shut down, or avoid the conversation entirely. This withdrawal only intensifies the first partner's anxiety, creating a self-perpetuating loop of pursuit and retreat that leaves both individuals feeling deeply frustrated.

Criticism and Defensiveness

Another toxic cycle involves criticism met with defensiveness. When one partner uses absolute language like “you always” or “you never,” it feels like a personal attack on their character. The natural response is to defend oneself, counterattack, or make excuses. This shifts the focus away from the actual issue and turns the conversation into a battle of who is right, leaving the core problem entirely unresolved and creating a hostile environment.

The Hidden Costs of Toxic Communication Patterns

Allowing negative communication to persist takes a severe toll on the relationship and the individuals within it. The damage is often cumulative, worsening over time if left unaddressed.

Emotional Erosion and Resentment

Over time, constant bickering or stonewalling chips away at emotional intimacy. Partners may begin to view each other as adversaries rather than allies. Unresolved grievances accumulate, transforming into deep-seated resentment that makes future interactions even more hostile, guarded, and emotionally exhausting for everyone involved.

Physical and Mental Health Impacts

The stress of chronic relationship conflict keeps the nervous system in a prolonged state of fight or flight. This sustained tension can lead to sleep disturbances, chronic fatigue, heightened anxiety, and a weakened immune system. Your mental well-being is directly tied to the quality of your closest relationships, making healthy communication a vital component of overall health.

Actionable Strategies to Shift the Dynamic

Breaking a deeply ingrained communication cycle requires conscious effort, patience, and a willingness to change your default responses. Here are proven strategies to help you transform your interactions.

Practice Active and Empathetic Listening

Most people listen with the intent to reply, not to understand. Active listening involves giving your full attention, putting away digital distractions, and reflecting back what you heard. Try saying, “It sounds like you felt overlooked when I made that decision without consulting you.” Validating your partner's feelings does not mean you agree with their perspective, but it demonstrates respect and immediately lowers their defensive walls, paving the way for productive dialogue.

Use “I” Statements Instead of Blame

Shift your language from accusatory “you” statements to expressive “I” statements. Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to manage all the chores alone, and I would appreciate some help.” This approach takes ownership of your emotions and invites collaboration rather than triggering an immediate fight or flight response.

Implement the Pause and Reset Technique

When a conversation becomes heated and heart rates rise, rational thinking shuts down. Agree on a neutral signal to pause the discussion before it escalates into harmful territory. Take a twenty-minute break to cool down, engage in a calming activity like deep breathing, and then return to the conversation with a clearer, more regulated mindset ready to find a solution.

The Role of Professional Guidance in Healing

Sometimes, negative communication patterns are so deeply entrenched that breaking them alone feels impossible. Years of built-up resentment or fundamental differences in communication styles often require an objective, trained perspective to untangle safely.

Engaging in Couples Therapy in Ottawa provides a safe, structured environment where both partners can voice their concerns without fear of escalation. A skilled therapist can help you identify your specific negative cycle, teach you new communication tools, and facilitate healing conversations that restore trust, empathy, and intimacy.

Building a Foundation for Long-Term Connection

Changing how you communicate is not a one-time fix. It is an ongoing practice of mutual respect and emotional attunement. Make it a daily habit to check in with each other, express genuine gratitude for small actions, and prioritize quality time together without distractions.

If you find that individual anxieties, depression, or past traumas are heavily influencing your relationship dynamics, seeking support from a licensed psychologist in Ottawa can help you address these underlying issues. Individual growth often catalyzes positive changes in the relationship as a whole, creating a healthier, more secure dynamic for both partners.

Conclusion

Breaking the cycle of negative communication is one of the most profound investments you can make in your relationship. By recognizing destructive patterns, practicing empathetic listening, and utilizing “I” statements, you can transform conflict from a source of division into an opportunity for deeper understanding. Remember that progress takes patience and consistent effort. With the right tools and a shared commitment to growth, you can build a resilient, loving partnership that thrives for years to come.

Ode to My Brother 

Aaron,

born with a spark

that needed no introduction,

a light that arrived already shining—

unveiled, unfiltered, unmistakable.

There was a warmth in you

that felt like sunlight after rain,

a quickness of spirit

that made rooms brighter

simply because you stepped inside.

People felt you

before they ever knew your name.

Your laugh carried its own kind of mercy,

your smile its own quiet rebellion

against the heaviness life placed on your shoulders.

Fragile and fierce,

you held both fire and gentleness

in the same breath.

You moved through this world

with a disarming openness—

a natural ease,

a magnetism that didn’t boast

but simply was.

Strangers became friends,

and friends felt seen

in ways they couldn’t explain.

The storms you bore

would have broken lesser men,

yet you kept rising,

again and again,

seeking the truest version of yourself—

the one we glimpsed

in flashes of brilliance and joy.

That was always you.

That was always real.

Your story deserved more chapters,

but your life was never small.

You touched lives quietly, deeply,

leaving imprints that still glow

in the hearts you brushed past.

You were laughter in dim places,

kindness when no one expected it,

a soul whose presence lingered

long after the moment passed.

Though your journey here is done,

your light endures—

in every memory spoken aloud,

in every heart you warmed,

in the beauty of who you were

and the love you gave freely.

Aaron,

beloved son,

beloved brother,

beloved friend—

you remain.

Not in the sorrow of your leaving,

but in the radiance

you gave to us while you were here.

– Anthony

Deciding to ask for mental health support is one of the most courageous steps a person can take. Yet, for many, this decision is clouded by fear, shame, and the pervasive stigma surrounding psychological care. Society has made great strides in normalizing conversations about mental health, but outdated beliefs still prevent countless individuals from seeking the help they need. Overcoming this stigma is not just about changing public perception. It is about dismantling the internal barriers that keep you from prioritizing your own well-being. This guide explores the roots of mental health stigma and provides actionable strategies to help you confidently seek the support you deserve.

Understanding the Roots of Mental Health Stigma

Stigma is not a single entity. It is a complex mix of societal attitudes, cultural norms, and internalized beliefs that label mental health struggles as a sign of weakness or personal failure.

Societal and Cultural Misconceptions

Historically, mental health conditions were misunderstood and heavily stigmatized. While modern medicine recognizes these conditions as legitimate health issues, residual cultural myths persist. Some communities still view therapy as a luxury or a taboo subject, while others equate psychological distress with a lack of resilience. These misconceptions create an environment where individuals feel they must hide their struggles to avoid judgment or professional repercussions.

The Myth of Self-Reliance

A major driver of internal stigma is the cultural glorification of self-reliance. We are often taught from a young age to handle our problems independently and to view asking for help as a burden to others. This mindset leads to the false belief that you should be able to “tough it out” or “fix it yourself.” When you inevitably struggle under the weight of unmanaged stress or trauma, this myth transforms into intense self-criticism and shame.

The Real Cost of Suffering in Silence

Avoiding mental health support due to stigma carries a heavy price. The consequences of untreated psychological distress extend far beyond temporary discomfort.

Impact on Physical and Emotional Health

When you suppress your emotional pain, your body keeps the score. Chronic stress and unaddressed mental health conditions manifest physically. Common symptoms include persistent fatigue, disrupted sleep patterns, digestive issues, and a weakened immune system. Emotionally, avoiding support often leads to heightened anxiety, deepening depression, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness.

Strained Relationships and Isolation

Stigma thrives in isolation. When you hide your struggles, you inadvertently build walls between yourself and your loved ones. Friends and family may notice a change in your behavior but feel shut out, leading to misunderstandings and conflict. Over time, the effort required to maintain a facade of being “fine” becomes exhausting, pushing you further into loneliness and depriving you of the very support network that could help you heal.

Actionable Strategies to Overcome Internal and External Stigma

Breaking free from the grip of stigma requires intentional effort and a shift in perspective. Here are proven strategies to help you navigate this journey.

Reframe Help-Seeking as a Strength

The first step is to change your internal narrative. Recognize that acknowledging your limits and seeking professional guidance is an act of profound self-awareness and courage. Just as you would not hesitate to see a doctor for a broken bone or a persistent cough, your mental health deserves the same level of care and attention. Viewing therapy as a proactive tool for personal growth, rather than a last resort for crisis, removes the shame associated with it.

Educate Yourself and Others

Knowledge is a powerful antidote to stigma. Take the time to learn about the psychological mechanisms behind stress, anxiety, or depression. Understanding that these are common, treatable conditions rooted in biology and environment helps depersonalize the struggle. When you feel safe doing so, sharing your own experiences or simply speaking openly about mental health can help normalize the topic for those around you, creating a ripple effect of acceptance.

Start with Small, Manageable Steps

If the idea of formal therapy feels overwhelming, start small. You might begin by confiding in one trusted friend or family member. Alternatively, you can explore mental health resources anonymously, such as reading reputable articles, listening to psychology podcasts, or using guided meditation apps. These low-pressure steps can build your confidence and prepare you for more direct forms of support.

The Role of Professional Support in Breaking the Cycle

While self-guided strategies are valuable, professional intervention is often necessary to untangle deeply ingrained patterns of shame and distress. A trained therapist provides an objective, confidential space where you can explore your feelings without fear of judgment.

Taking the step to engage in Individual Therapy in Ottawa is a powerful declaration that your mental health matters. In this setting, a licensed professional can help you identify the root causes of your distress, challenge stigmatizing beliefs, and develop personalized coping mechanisms. Therapy is not about fixing a broken person. It is about equipping a capable person with the right tools to navigate life's complexities.

Building a Supportive Environment for Mental Wellness

Overcoming stigma is not solely an individual responsibility. It requires cultivating environments that actively promote psychological safety and well-being.

In your personal life, this means setting boundaries with people who dismiss or minimize your experiences. It also involves surrounding yourself with individuals who validate your feelings and encourage your growth. In the broader community, it means advocating for mental health resources and supporting policies that make care accessible to everyone.

If you are ready to take the next step in your healing journey, connecting with a reputable psychology clinic in Ottawa can provide the structured, compassionate care you need. These professionals are dedicated to fostering a welcoming atmosphere where your concerns are heard, your progress is celebrated, and your path to recovery is fully supported.

Conclusion

The stigma surrounding mental health support is a formidable barrier, but it is not insurmountable. By understanding the roots of these misconceptions, reframing help-seeking as a strength, and taking small, intentional steps, you can reclaim your right to healing. Remember that your struggles do not define your worth, and asking for help is a testament to your resilience. You deserve to live a life free from the heavy burden of silence. Embrace the courage to reach out, and allow professional support to guide you toward a healthier, more authentic future.

Welcome to my blog.

First published in 2006, this foundational article is essential to understanding how your environment affects your mind—and thoughts…

This edition of The Doctor’s Notes deals with the effects of cosmic energy on mental stability. Could this be the true source of the much of the problems we all face in the world?

While it is a common wives’ tale that the full moon affects the general population’s “sanity” once each month, there is a growing body of scientific evidence that cosmic energy has a direct influence on an individual’s mental stability.

The absolute sum of this dark energy leads all of us to behave much differently than if this energy was not present.

The source of this cosmic energy is generally cosmic rays from the sun and other stars, electromagnetic energy that constantly bombards all of us every day of our lives. On a disturbing note, a growing amount of man-made source of high level electromagnetic energy is also having an influence on our minds as well. The absolute sum of this dark energy leads all of us to behave much differently than if this energy was not present.

Historical Effects of Dark Energy

Throughout history, periodic acts of group insanity can be tied directly to solar flares or other cosmic events that show high radiation levels. Even more important, if it seems that the previous century demonstrated a singularly high level of mental instability and psychosis, one would be more than right—one would be absolutely correct.

With the rise of the Industrial Age and advanced technology, especially during the 20th Century, it can be documented that the frequency of insanity or acts of psychosis has grown dramatically. And this rate of growth is much more than can be explained through simple population growth alone—there has to be an outside influence.

The bottom line is this: this dark energy affects the choices and actions we all make, every day.

The effects of cosmic energy on the human body are both dramatically spectacular and deceptively sublime. They are also cumulative over the life of the individual. The effects can manifest themselves in ways that range from the serial killings of Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer to the otherwise easily explainable belief that your cubical mate—or your husband—is plotting to take something from you. The bottom line is this: this dark energy affects the choices and actions we all make, every day.

Extreme behavior such as a mass or serial killer is obviously explainable as being influenced by cosmic energy, but what is not so obvious is the effect it has on so-called “normal” people. What in the past might be shrugged off as simple irritation or quirky behavior is in fact another manifestation of the dark energy passing through our bodies every second of every day.

The Solution: engenetics^.org

As my semi-enlightened colleagues frequently say, admitting you have a problem is the first step on the road to recovery. They are only partially correct. Yes, identifying the problem is critical, even essential. But without an adequate solution, identification is less than meaningless.

During the previous century, there was a good deal of talk about using thin metal helmets (or TMH’s) to block cosmic energy. Usually this was professed in conjunction with extraterrestrials or other sources of mind control. Based on the current body of evidence, TMH’s would have no preventative effect when dealing with aliens, and the effects on preventing mind control are only a part of the problem.

No, the problem is the total SUM of electromagnetic energy that is being directed at all of us. As was demonstrated by Gorki Sunderland at MIT (see the collected case notes at the Center) due to the parabolic shape of the human skull, TMH’s actual focus the resulting energy, causing the effects of the high energy particles to be more harmful than beneficially blocking them.

What You Can Do

Fortunately, engenetics^.org can help. Through learning to pinpoint your Heisenberg centers and the use of personal firewalls, a trained individual can effectively “block out” the dark energy and make more rational, logical decisions.

And because this energy acts as both particles and waves, this blocking method using an individual’s Heisenberg center is most effective. While this technique works extremely well for a trained individual, only a very few can extend their blocking range to include others. So while we at the Center have come so far, there is much more to do.

But rest assured: we are close. This dark energy will continue to be an insidious menace to all of humanity until through dedicated research and development, we find the means to block it for more people. We need your generosity and support to continue this research and find the answers we so obviously need.

As always, we only ask that you donate what you are comfortable giving. Ω

Dr. M. E. Tabyánan Executive Director and Founder The Center for engenetics^.org Studies

“The coming decade will see many changes in our thoughts, and even in our minds.” —International Millenium Technology Conference, June 2000

---

Ask The Doctor!

Question: Why does my family hate me? —Harold Cruthers, Dallas TX, USA The Doctor: It is not that your family hates you, per se, but that their quantum levels are in conflict with yours. It’s quite simple, really. I hope this answers your question.

---

What Others Are Saying

“I believe in the results of engenetics.org, no matter what anyone says. They are scientifically proven.” —Dieter Merkel, Berlin, Germany

“Dr. M. E. Tabyánan helped me with my marriage and family. He’s the best.” —Thomas Gaither, Atlanta, GA, USA

“I can’t believe that anyone would want to hurt The Doctor. He is our only salvation!” —Peter George, Oklahoma City, OK, USA

---

#thedoctorsnotes #cosmicenergy #heisenbergcenter #personalfirewalls

Facebook pretty much banned me.

Not because I threatened somebody.  Not because I was spreading hate.  Not because I was trying to hurt anybody.

I was preaching Jesus.

And I’m not the only one. Someone else in my church—someone who was simply spreading the Gospel—had the same thing happen to them.

Mine started with an Instagram account.

Facebook told me an Instagram account connected to me had violated their rules.

There was just one problem:

IT WASN’T MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.

I had never created it. Never used it. Never even knew it existed.

Somebody had apparently hacked their way into my Facebook world, and somehow I was the one who got punished.

So I tried to explain it.

But you don’t sit down with a human being at Facebook.

You talk to screens.

Forms.

Automated systems.

Digital walls with no face on the other side.

I explained, “That Instagram account isn’t mine.”

I showed them my real account.

I tried to straighten out the mess.

And eventually I was warned that if I kept emailing, my Facebook account could be canceled.

Think about that.

I was trying to tell them:

“SOMEBODY GOT INTO MY ACCOUNT.”

And somehow the man asking for help became the problem.

So today, my Facebook presence is crippled.

I can sometimes use the website, but the app tells me I’m kicked off. Long posts are difficult. Videos are difficult. Sometimes I have to upload a video somewhere else, wait for it, copy the link, and bring it back to Facebook just to share a message.

I used to have around 2,000 followers.

And yes—it bothered me.

Because I wasn’t trying to build some little kingdom for myself.

I WAS TRYING TO REACH PEOPLE FOR JESUS CHRIST.

But then something happened.

Something I never expected.

While one door was being slammed in my face…

God started opening doors Facebook couldn’t control.

Hospital doors.

Nursing-home doors.

Hospice doors.

Bedroom doors where families are whispering because somebody they love is dying.

I started meeting people face-to-face.

Not followers.

People.

Not likes.

Lives.

Not comments underneath a video.

Tears running down somebody’s face.

I remember one woman.

Cancer.

Her abdomen was swollen and hard.

Death wasn’t an abstract theological subject anymore.

Death was standing in the room.

I asked her one of the questions I sometimes ask:

“Is there anything left unsaid or undone?”

She looked at me and said:

“I want to reconnect.”

Reconnect?

I asked, “Do you mean reconnect with your faith?”

“Yes.”

I asked about her church background.

Baptist.

And suddenly I understood exactly what she was asking me for.

I said, “I know the prayer you want to pray.”

And there, in that room, far away from Facebook algorithms, community standards, account restrictions, follower counts and computer screens…

a dying woman called upon Jesus Christ.

She accepted Him as her personal Lord and Savior.

About a week later…

she went home to see Him.

And Facebook wasn’t there.

There wasn’t a livestream.

There weren’t 2,000 followers watching.

There weren’t hundreds of likes.

There was just a dying woman…

a chaplain…

and Jesus.

That’s when something finally hit me.

For years I thought social media was helping me reach the world.

Maybe it was.

But when that door nearly slammed shut, God reminded me:

THE GOSPEL NEVER NEEDED FACEBOOK.

As a pastor, I might see a few people come to Christ over the course of several months.

But today?

I’m sitting beside people who are staring eternity in the face.

I’m meeting people who want to come home.

I’m meeting people who want to reconnect.

I’m meeting people who need somebody to take their hand and remind them:

Jesus is still here.

So yes, Facebook restricted me.

Yes, they made it harder.

Yes, I believe I was punished for something I didn’t do.

But somewhere along the way, what felt like punishment became a strange kind of blessing.

Because Facebook pushed me away from a screen…

and God pushed me toward a bedside.

Facebook can restrict an account.

Facebook can cripple an app.

Facebook can limit a post.

Facebook can bury a video.

Facebook can take away followers.

BUT FACEBOOK CANNOT BLOCK A HOSPITAL DOOR GOD HAS OPENED.

They cannot stop me from taking somebody’s hand.

They cannot stop me from praying with the dying.

They cannot stop a frightened person from whispering the name of Jesus.

They cannot stop grace from entering a nursing-home room.

They cannot stop the Holy Spirit.

And they certainly cannot stop Jesus Christ from saving somebody who calls upon His name.

So if somebody shuts your door…

LOOK FOR GOD’S DOOR.

If somebody takes away your platform…

LOOK FOR YOUR ASSIGNMENT.

Because sometimes God will let you lose the crowd…

so you can find the one.

And somewhere tonight, behind a closed door, there may be somebody with no followers, no platform and very little time left…

waiting for someone to walk into that room and tell them about Jesus.

And there isn’t a thing Facebook can do about it.

Is it me? Or is this the sickness?

A while back, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. For those of you who have had a diagnosis and have been living with it for a while, I wonder if you get caught up in trying to change the diagnosis like me, instead of accommodating for it, like I should. I can explain:

My life is largely centered around improving. In music, I try to make better songs than I did yesterday. My diet is improving all the time. I am not regular with exercise, but I am open to it. That is an improvement, believe it or not. I want to help improve things for Keri too. She is my closest friend ever. I just want her to have it nice. I try to improve my brain by avoiding social media. I don’t have a cell phone. All this stuff makes my life better. But I can’t say trying to improve emotionally does much. 

The manias, the behavior, the regret

I have wild dysphoric mania and can be a real bear. I also have typical euphoric mania and can be super lovey-dovey. I am sure I am hell for some folks. I have tried improving there. I have been going to doctors for over ten years. I have taken meds that help immensely, but not “all the way.” I have gone to outpatient and inpatient treatment. I still read about CBT and DBT on the regular, and my behavior has improved dramatically. But the feelings, I wouldn’t say so. It’s likely because I have bipolar disorder, just a guess.

A cycle I get caught up in a lot is if I am talking, or the bipolar is talking. If I am excited on an emotional level, it’s probably the bipolar. It’s nearly always traceable to something I wasn’t excited about. That excitement is likely a reaction to something else. It was triggered. I feel good about the decisions I make when my pulse is below 80. If it’s in the 120’s, maybe it isn’t a time for making decisions? But it is hard. I am charged at that point. Good luck telling me anything, telling myself that. And always check your pulse when making decisions. Revelations abound if you haven’t tried this. I have “zones.” No shit. I do.

Hey, Kelly, take it easy on yourself today.

What I need to do is give myself a break. I think I am working towards that. I realize I am just going to be different, perhaps immature, excitable, and the goal isn’t to beat myself up for it. My goal should be to live with it. Accept it. I can sense relief in that direction. But I am early on in that journey.

I have had behavioral episodes that were tough to come back from. It is tough to think about them still. That doesn’t happen anymore. Maybe I can function as it is, if I just go easy on myself. I have 10 years’ worth of treatment under my belt, a ton of creature comforts to show for it. That isn’t bad for a bipolar on meds who gets a little silly occasionally. 

Even when there doesn’t seem to be improvement, perhaps there is.

I hope anyone who struggles with anything finds improvement. I also hope, if the case merits it, they find acceptance. Coping. I will always likely be an emotionally charged individual. I can wear people out. But it is a thousand times better than it’s ever been. Improvement seems to be the way of things. 

Kelly Kintner

The Horses Mouth Magazine

The Kintners

Djembe Funk

The New Yorker’ın kurgu editörü Deborah Treisman’ın derlediği kalınca bir kitap var elimde. 1925-2025 tarihleri arasında dergide yayımlanan öyküleri kapsayan –özel bir derleme– kurgu antolojisi. Bahsettiğim kitaba Portland (Oregon) Powells Books’ta rastladım. Yayıncısının Alfred A. Knopf olduğu kitap, hikâye anlatımı, dili kullanma teknikleri açısından ilham verici. Bildiğimiz veya bilemediğimiz yazarlar, muhtemelen burada daha –genç, korkusuz ve deli cesaretine– sahip.

A CENTURY OF FICTION IN THE NEW YORKER 1925-2025 EDITED BY DEBORAH TREISMAN

Öykü demişim bir önceki satırda ancak karşımızda tasarımsal, her şeyin daha ince hesaplandığı bir öykü modelinden çok, bir şeyleri anlatma çabası, anlatırken de dilin kuvvetli olması ön planda. Saydıklarım hikâyenin özüne daha uygun gibi görünse de ikisinin birlikte olmasına hiçbir itirazımız olmaz hatta harika olur ama bazen yalnızca bir şeyler anlatmak isteriz; çok düşünmeyiz bu bir öykü müdür hikâye midir diye: O ya da şu nedenle, belki de bir ayrım yoktur.

Yazma fikrini yaratıcı kılan soru şuydu: Yetmiş sekiz hikâyenin içinden hangilerini seçerdim, hangilerini çevirirdim ve yayımlardım? Kabul ediyorum fazlasıyla yaratıcı bir yazma fikri olmayabilir ve fikirlerimizi kendimize saklamak, “tavus tüyüne bürünmüş alakargalardan” bizi koruyabilir. Kimdir bu alakargalar? La Fontaine’den ama Orhan Veli çevirmiş:

İnsanlar içinde de çoktur alakargalar,

Ötekinin berikinin eserini çalar,

Yutturmaya çalışırlar herkese.

Hiçbir şey söyleyecek değilim, korkmasınlar:

Varsın görsünler halleri ne ise.

Alakargalardan kitabın önsözüne geldiğimizde –bir film şeridi gibi– dönemlerin, hikâyelere bıraktığı karakteristik özellikleri görüyoruz. Editörler “genellemelerinin” farkındalar ama hikâyelerin müşterek taraflarını, dili kullanma biçimlerini, temalarını ve ortak kaygılarını dile getirmek istiyorlar. Bu çabayı değerli buluyorum, arka planda belirli bir kültürel bağlam olsa da çünkü karşımızda ABD merkezli, ilham veren bir dergi var, seçilen hikâyelerin kaygıları o çerçeveden değerlendirilebilir elbette ancak bir okuyucu olarak edebiyatın fazlasıyla evrensel bir tarafını da görüyorum.

Kurguda Kırılmalar

Burada 45’lik gibi bir tanım yapmak istiyorum dönemleri ayırırken; yani çevireceğim ve şöyle diyeceğim “20’likler” diyor giriş bölümünde, karşımızda can alıcı bir sahne var ve bu sahnede söz konusu olan bir an var. Komik olmak zorunda değil ve genellikle “erkek” kahraman yeni bir gerçeklikle yüzleşiyor.

30’luk dediğimiz dönemde, rota pek belli değil ve zaman, mekân gibi kurgunun temel yapıları kaygan bir zeminde ve belirsiz. Olay örgüsünde bir hinlik göremiyoruz. Kural dışı olan kural olmuş; hatıralarsa pek hatırlanmıyor. (Katherine White, James Thurber)

40’lık, katı bir ahlakçılık, özellikle ana karakter böyle bir özelliğe sahip; orta sınıf hep bir şeylerle karşılaşıyor, küçümsenmek, ezilmek, aşağılanmak ve türlü züppelik formlarıyla karşı karşıyalar. Özetlersek “incelik-sizlikler” yüzünden, tanıdık geliyor. Diyalog ön plana çıkıyor, duygular kendine yer bulabiliyor. (Zadie Smith, Lionel Trilling)

50’lik dediğimiz dönemde; genellikle savaşın travması, evlilik, aile ilişkileri, istifa gibi negatif duyguların yoğunlukta olduğunu görüyoruz. Ancak duygunun ifade edilmesinde zorlanılan bir alan var. Bir duygu var ama o duygu ifade edilecek bir olgunluğa ulaşamamış, yazma halinde de aynı şey söz konusu. Ya da şöyle diyebiliriz –çünkü bir önceki cümlede haksız bir yaftalama yaptığım hissediyorum– bazı duygular gerçekten de ifade edilemeyebilir. (Jonathan Franzen)

60’lar ve 70’ler birlikte ele alınmış, karmaşıklık hâkim; paragraf bizi diğer paragrafa götürmüyor, sonuç değil anlam ve belki anlatım daha önemli, geniş bir alana yayılan bir hikâye ile karşı karşıyayız. Bir yandan da bir fantastik dünyanın içine giriyoruz. Bu dünyada absürtlük, doğru- yanlış karşıtlığını (ahlaki ikilemleri) tiye alıyor. Şöyle ifade ediliyor giriş bölümünde, “A time of toyying narratives.”  “İçini oyuyoruz her şeyin, hadi bakalım,” gibi bir çeviri yapsam tam tamına karşılamaz ama çok daha anlaşılır olabilir.

80’lik ve 90’lık dediğimiz dönemlerde, tam tersine bir değişim gözlemliyoruz; hikâye anlatımında bir coşkunluk, çıkan sesi bastırmaktansa söylemek istediğimizi evirip çevirmeden daha direkt, daha kaba, daha kırıcı, ama daha gerçek bir dille yazmak söz konusu. Kötü sözler ve kırıcılık gırla, “dilinin kemiği yok” dediğimiz birisiyle karşı karşıyayız belki ama çok da alınmıyoruz bu insana. Doğruları söylüyor ama yanlış şekilde söylüyor, iletişim becerileri gelişememiş gibi bir etiketi hemen yapıştırabiliriz, ama karşımızda fazlasıyla gerçek bir insan var ancak sınırlarını zorluyor.

Otantiklikse 90’larla birlikte daha fazla hissediliyor, hikâyeler acayipleşmeye başlıyor; “odness” olarak tanımlanıyor kitabın önsözünde. Acayiplik, negatif bir anlamdan çok şuna benziyor: “Bunu nasıl düşünmüş, nasıl bir zihin?” sorgulaması. 30’lara geri dönüş kokusu alınıyor ama daha yapılandırılmış bir hikâye var karşımızda. Hızlı, çeşitli ve kısa bir roman gibi bir anın farklı açılardan değerlenişi. Zaman akışının değişkenliğiyle birlikte, okuyucu anlayamıyor kitap nerede bitti, nereden başladı. Bilse de unutuyor ve zaman uçuyor: “Time flies!”  5N1K sorsalar bilen yok, okuduğunu anlama diye bir şeyin esamesi okunmuyor, ama kalan tat da unutulmuyor.

The Weeds- Mary McCarthy

Kitaptan ilk seçimim, Mary McCarthy’nin, “The Weeds” (1944) adlı hikâyesi, başlık tesadüf değil keskin bir zihnin kelime oyunlarıyla bezenmiş bir kancayla karşı karşıyayız. Kısaca, (yabani) bir çiçeksek ve yanlış bir yerde boy veriyorsak ayıklanmamız kaçınılmazdır.

Bir bahçe üzerinden anlatılan yürümeyen bir evliliğin hikâyesi, başrolde petunyalar ve bir çiçek bahçesi var. Kadın için fazlasıyla değerli, eşi içinse yalnızca “boş” bir uğraş. Hikâyenin başlarında erkek kahraman, kibriyle bahçeye girer ve iki insan arasındaki yakın uzaklık okuyucuya çok gerçekçi bir yerden temas eder.

Belki de ayrılığın başlangıcı olan o bahçedir, “jetonun düştüğü yer” kadının bağımsızlık girişimiyle taçlanır ve başarısızlıkla sonuçlanır. Kısa bir ayrılık ardından zafer, kapının kilidini açık bırakan adamın ellerinde palazlanır. Yazar, karakterlerin durumunu anlatırken “kalbin orada olmadığını” söyler. İki insan arasındaki ses mekaniktir, öğrenilmiştir ve duygulardan azat edilmiştir.

Ayrılığın ardından kadın, sığınağının (bahçesinin) yerle bir olduğunu görür. Karşısında bir bahçe yoktur ve ilk defa gerçek yenilgiyi ve umutsuzluğu derinden hisseder. Kadının sözleriyle, “artık o evde tutunacak” hiçbir şeyi kalmamıştır. Adam, olanlardan haberi yokmuşçasına şaşırır; iki karakter ilk defa ortak bir duyguyu paylaşır gibi olur, aylar geçer ve yanılgı bir süreliğine devam eder.

Adam bir buketle oturma odasından içeri girer, buket tanıdıktır. Yerle bir olan bahçesindeki çiçeklerdir adamın getirdikleri. Eşini, vazoya çiçekleri (sıkıştırırken) izler. Bir şekilde adamın herhangi bir canlıyla bağ kurabileceğine dair inancını kaybetmiştir. “Buketin çirkinliği” kadına ilginç bir şekilde zevk verir, hissizleşir, müdahalede bulunmaz. O sırada evlilikteki rolünü düşünür, “görevlerinin” ona vermiş olduğu haz için “kölenin gizli” hazzı yakıştırmasını yaparken bulur kendini. Oysa çiçekler, kadınların en sevdikleri değil midir?

Kadının vücudundan bir uzuv sanki kopmuş gibidir, ortada bir yas vardır. Yas, pişmanlıkla karışmıştır. Kadın, içinde bulunduğu durumu göremez haldedir, aşinalık daha tanıdıktır ve bir zamanlar denendiyse (cesaret) zorlaşır.

Ardından adamın ağzından, “Senin çiçeklerini her zaman sevdim, bunu biliyorsun,” cümlesi dökülür. Duygu yüklüdür adamın sesi titrer ve kadının kulakları bu yalanı kabul eder. Kulaklar kabul etse de kadının içindeki fırtına, yani (kalp) aynı şeyleri söyleyemez. Artık ortada ne bir çiçek bahçesi vardır ne de iki aynı insan. Yaşanan bir deneyim gibi bir yerlerde kalır ancak başlanılan yere geri dönüldüğünde zihinde canlanır. Kadının karanlık dünyası, mutsuzluğu belki de adamın bilmeden istediğidir ve bu nedenle muhtemelen bilinçsizdir. Adamın sesindeki hüzün belki de bize bunu gösterir.

Kadın kendi yıkıcılığıyla yüzleşir ve yazar, kadının hislerini anlatırken şu cümlelere yer verir: “She herself was no more to him now than an oak leaf pressed in a schoolbook, a tendril of blond hair; a garter kept in drawer. But this was for him, everything it was love and idolatry.” (50) Kurutulmuş bir meşe yaprağı benzetmesi bir o kadar çarpıcıdır ve hikâyenin sonu, kadının şu cümlesiyle sonlanır: “Evet biliyorum,” Neyi biliyordur? Hiç inanmadığı o gerçeği: Eşinin, onun çiçeklerini, bahçesini her zaman sevdiğini…

Bahsi geçen eserler:

A CENTURY OF FICTION IN THE NEW YORKER 1925-2025 EDITED BY DEBORAH TREISMAN. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 2025.

La Fontaine, Jean de. La Fontaine’in Masalları. Çeviren Orhan Veli Kanık, İstanbul: Yapı Kredi Yayınları, 2020.

Il y a quelque chose d’obscène dans une médaille qui arrive lorsque le cœur s’est arrêté.

On approche le velours, on ajuste le ruban, on prononce le nom avec une gravité impeccable. Tout est enfin prêt pour recevoir cet homme. Sauf cet homme.

Lui avait peut-être envie de rentrer. De manger quelque chose debout dans sa cuisine. D’entendre son enfant raconter une histoire interminable. Il avait une dent à faire soigner, un message auquel il n’avait pas répondu, une femme avec qui terminer une dispute. Toute cette vie inachevée tient désormais sous un drapeau. Et quelqu’un parle d’honneur.

La Légion d’honneur à titre posthume. Je regarde ces mots et je bute sur le dernier. Posthume. Nous avons même trouvé un adjectif convenable pour dire que le destinataire ne pourra rien recevoir.

Quelle merde, parfois, derrière les mots les plus propres.

Je comprends qu’une famille garde cette médaille. Qu’elle la serre dans sa main, qu’elle y cherche une reconnaissance, une trace publique de celui dont l’absence envahit chaque pièce. Personne n’a le droit de lui arracher ce peu de lumière. Mais je voudrais regarder longtemps la main qui remet l’écrin. Lui demander ce qu’elle faisait lorsque cet homme était encore vivant.

Car les pouvoirs connaissent depuis longtemps notre faim de compter pour quelque chose. Ils savent l’endroit fragile où chacun espère que sa vie aura pesé. C’est là qu’ils viennent déposer leurs grands mots. Devoir. Gloire. Sacrifice. Ils les déposent si tôt que l’enfant grandit parfois sans distinguer sa propre conscience de la voix qui lui demande d’obéir.

Un jour, on lui présente sa disparition comme l’accomplissement de son existence.

Et lui, qui voulait être digne d’amour, se demande s’il aura assez de courage pour mourir.

Voilà ce qui me révolte. Cette servitude qui apprend à se désirer. Cette manière de faire entrer le maître dans la poitrine de l’homme, jusqu’à ce qu’il surveille lui-même ses hésitations et rougisse de vouloir vivre.

Il existe des courages immenses. Des êtres qui se mettent entre une balle et un inconnu, qui restent auprès d’un blessé, qui risquent tout pour permettre à d’autres de rentrer. Leur geste mérite que nous en parlions avec des mots justes. Et avec assez de respect pour examiner les décisions qui l’ont rendu nécessaire. L’admiration ne devrait jamais nous dispenser de demander des comptes.

Dans la cérémonie parfaite, pourtant, chaque chose semble avoir trouvé sa place. La musique enveloppe la douleur. Les discours donnent une forme au chaos. Le mort devient exemplaire. Il devient plus facile à raconter qu’il ne l’était à écouter.

Un vivant demande du temps, des soins, des moyens. Il peut douter, refuser, contredire. Il peut dire que la mission est absurde ou que son chef se trompe. Un mort laisse parler les autres. Quelle terrible commodité pour ceux qui lui survivent avec du pouvoir.

J’imagine parfois un enfant à qui l’on remet la décoration de son père. Il regarde l’objet. Les adultes attendent qu’il comprenne la grandeur de l’instant. Lui essaie seulement de comprendre comment une chose aussi petite pourra remplacer quelqu’un d’aussi grand.

Il emportera l’écrin. Le soir, il faudra quand même le coucher.

C’est à cette heure que je voudrais convoquer les orateurs. Lorsque les voitures officielles sont parties et que la maison retrouve son bruit de réfrigérateur. Qu’ils viennent expliquer l’honneur devant la brosse à dents restée dans le verre. Qu’ils tiennent compagnie à ceux qui devront traverser demain, puis les milliers de jours suivants.

Peut-être apprendrions-nous alors à prononcer ce mot autrement. Avec davantage de retenue. Avec des obligations envers ceux qui respirent encore.

Je voudrais un honneur assez exigeant pour embarrasser les puissants. Un honneur qui les oblige à protéger, à écouter, à répondre. Qui reconnaisse aussi le courage de refuser une mort inutile. Et qui laisse à l’homme le droit de trouver sa grandeur dans une vie ordinaire, longue, imparfaite, entourée des siens.

Gardez vos médailles si elles aident les familles à porter leur chagrin.

Mais qu’aucune ne serve à refermer la question que le mort nous laisse.

Avons-nous fait tout ce qu’il fallait pour qu’il rentre ?

TBD

Ecxited at meeting opening my big fat mouth looking for robert seedy night lurkers post worship tentions (what's that all about)? journaling Bob's Burgers Late bed Fitful sleep condeming dreams

7a Early up – Alex not ready Cleaning the garage the unsettling concern of my hubris maybe that's why?

---

#deardiary

Gone – Sierra Veins All Comes Crashing – Metric Dangerous – Big Data,  Joywave F K W R K – Clip'd Beaks (Take These) Chains – Judas Priest Rough Boy  – ZZ Top In Dreams – Roy Orbison

p.s. please don't listen to this on a phone speaker p.p.s. you should never be doing that anyway

There’s a line of this song I recently found, life is not fair – kill yourself or get over it. I had a board game today with friends, and it wasn’t mine! I got invited for it. I was driving over to it, and I was feeling depressed. I knew that I would feel better once I started interacting with people, but it still was rough. After the hangout session, I was still depressed at least a little bit. Well, actually, honestly, not nearly as as much as I was before which is a good sign. During the event, however, I met some new people, and I was making everyone laugh consistently throughout the night. I don’t know why, but while I was leaving, I have a thought about what I could even say if someone asked me for advice about how to be funny or the life of the party, and my immediate thought even before any conscious thoughts was that it’s an incredibly huge task that realistically not everyone is heavily capable of. Essentially, just be funny, brutal. And I don’t like how incredibly egotistical or self-absorbed it sounds, and so I’m promising that this isn’t something that I consciously think or agree with, but just rather the thoughts that popped into my head while driving. But I also thought about how when I went on a cruise and made friends with the other single passengers, one of the guys was telling me how he submits and I win, and I should get all the girls. It was weird and it honestly made me feel kind of uncomfortable because I don’t want him to feel that way, and it feels like I am kind of being made responsible to reassure his insecurity or fix it. But I think he felt that way because he was a little bit awkward and seemed like a nice guy, but that in combination with being a bit overweight just made made him kind of a side character to the other people. I think for better for worse, I make my presence known and am involved in most conversations, or plans, and people tend to gravitate around me. And I’ve thought about it and I think some of the reasons why I am the way I am are the same reasons why that person I think would likely end up in a happy relationship and a happy life sooner and for a much more stable arrangement. I think about how on Instagram I sometimes see people from high school that felt like background characters, socially, that end up getting married and look like they have wonderful lives, and I’m happy for them, but at the same time, it is one of the things where it feels like I am on a different timeline than a lot of other people. I think a lot of the blessings that I have come with their cost, and this is one of those cases.

One night a friend of mine and I were driving down a somewhat secluded tree lined highway. There were not too many cars on the road. We rounded a bend and emerged from the trees. Up ahead we could see the red flashing lights of a train crossing. No other cars between us and the crossing. We could not see the train from the distance we were at, but when we got close enough the headlights lit it up.

We sat there somewhat mesmerized by it hurtling, rattling, and screeching by. When the end of it passed by, the lights stopped flashing, and the barrier started to go up. The sudden darkness and silence was oddly unsettling. I started to drive forward. Just as we were about to cross the tracks, I said, “wouldn't that be fucked if the very last car had become detached from the train, and it was hurtling towards us in the dark?” We both looked into the darkness where it would have been, as though my saying so was a premonition. Then kind of laughed about it. Life went on.

I & i op excursie bij het Kennisravijn in het Cultuurlandschap.

Ik kan het niet helpen I, ik ben zomaar op de hoogte gebracht, acht, acht... / _ i _ | _ _ | | | \ | \ _ | / __ - | | i,i! Wat doe je daar, aar? | Kom terug naar benee, nee... | / I