The Best Brood War Unit, Part 3- Protoss

Protoss is going to be an interesting one, because my general takeaway is they have a lot of good units but not a lot of great ones. So let us dive in:

Zealot ****

Zealots are beefy mineral only units. 100 health, 60 shields, armor, and deal 16 damage per hit. So over 3 times the damage of a zergling and 4 times the hitpoints of a marine, despite only costing 100 minerals. They are melee only, which has its pros and cons. For example, one on one against a hydralisk, a zealot absolutely crushes. But if you have 40 hydralisks against 40 zealots and the zealots get bottlenecked, the ranged attack wins. Early game they can absolutely overpower opponents. It takes a marine forever to kill a zealot, same thing with a zergling. Late game they wouldn't be useful if it wasn't for the citadel of adun upgrade “Leg Enhancements” that increases their movement speed. This lets zealots close the distance quickly, which is imperative for taking out siege tanks. They pair well with other gateway units, or with corsairs which can pick of the mutalisks while the zealots deal with everything on the ground. The downside is they take up 2 supply, vs the marines' 1 and zerglings' .5, can't attack at range and can't attack up. The melee though is helpful against defilers since dark swarm doesn't negate the damage.

Dragoon ***

Dragoons are a paradox. The Protoss absolutely need them, but they are not a good unit. They attack air and ground, attack at a range, and deal explosive damage which works well against large units but poorly against smaller units. Their pathing is terrible, they are constantly getting stuck or bottle necked. Watch them go up against siege tanks alone if you want a laugh, its just an endless sea of splattered blue goo. They get equally embarassed by zerglings, which can annihilate them for a small fraction of the price. If the zerg uses dark swarm, one zergling can beat an arbitrary number of dragoons. You'd think they would do well against mutalisks but without templar support.... not really. Still, they are the main workhorse ranged attacker of the protoss army. They work, but they need to be supported. Zealots, templar, arbiters, etc. all help the dragoon to survive long enough to be useful.

High Templar *****

A spell caster that costs 50 minerals, 150 gas and has no natural attack. One of its abilities, hallucination, is almost never used in pro games. So.. why five stars? Psionic Storm. This probably competes with dark swarm for the best spell in the game. Massive area of effect damage for only 75 energy, I believe its 112 damage to each unit over a large area. Now, if units are very mobile they can dodge the storm... but they frequently don't. It's just an exceptional ability against any massed concentration of units. As such, a few well placed storms can completely turn the tide of a battle or defeat a superior force. Zerg coming in with a hydra all in? Throw down a few storms and you are good to go. Mutalisks took out your corsairs and are headed for your mineral line? Storm them. Terran death army moving in? drop some high templar behind their lines and storm them. Enemy workers? drop and storm them. When you consider an upgraded high templar can cast 3 storms before needing to restore energy, 150 gas is a small price to pay. Oh, and if you have two high templar that are out of energy, merge them into an archon and now you have a heavy hitting attack unit. Easily the best Protoss unit in the game.

Dark Templar ***

This is really a gotcha unit. They are invisible, so if the enemy isn't paying attention or isn't aware they can do incredible damage. I've seen a dark templar slip in and kill 15-20 workers while the opponent is busy focusing elsewhere. But, if the enemy does have detection, they get killed very quickly. And at 125 minerals and 100 gas, they aren't cheap. Their attack deals 40 damage, but its melee with a small attack rate if they get scanned a few mech units will kill them. Zerg have overlords, so the only way to make a dark templar viable is to take them all out with corsairs. So you can cheese with them, surprise an enemy, or try to turn the tied of a losing battle, but in a stand up battle they don't really hold their water. They can turn into Dark Archons though, so that's cool. Not really a last resort thing, you need to plan on that since the dark archons need time to build up their energy, vs the high templar which make archons that are ready to go right away.

Archon ***

Might be controversial but I'm going three stars here. They have 350 shields, 10 hitpoints and deal 35 splash damage, so they are absolutely heavy hitters. But, they cost 300 gas 100 minerals. That's a lot of vespene gas to sink into a unit. Also, since almost all of their HP is in shields, they take full damage from everything. Hydralisks and vultures kill them really fast. An EMP instantly brings them down to 10 health. On the upside, plague is essentially useless against them, dealing a maximum of 9 damage. They can be a good counter to mutalisks, but corsairs are better. If you have extra gas or templars without energy they can be good against zerg but for 300 gas they are just generally too easy to pop.

Dark Archon ****

This, along with the queen, I think is one of the most underutilized units in the game. It's a spell caster, so no natural attacks, but its spells are bonkers. Feedback only costs 50 energy and it turns a spell casters energy into damage against them. So theoretically a fully upgraded archon with max energy could kill five queens. realistically that never happens but to be able to snipe a spell caster, like a deflier, for only 50 energy? Pretty awesome, though micro intensive. Maelstrom freezes bio units in a large area for a short time. It's pretty potent when paired with psionic storm. A dark archon and high templar can melt a flock of 11 mutalisk with two spells. And then mind control turns an enemy unit to your side. Not used as often, but in the late game, taking a carrier, battlecruiser or ultralisk already has the dark archon paying for itself. You can also steal an enemy worker and double your potential supply, though this virtually never happens in professional play. The reason its 4 stars and not 5 is cost. 200 minerals and 250 gas is no joke. Still, I think these are underutilized as a force multiplier.

Reaver ****

Incredible range, 100 or 125 when upgraded splash damage, it is the Protoss answer to the siege tank. But why not five stars? Their speed is glacial, without a shuttle they are useless. Every attack costs 15 minerals, the only unit that you have to pay per attack (other than suicide units like scourge). So you drop 200 minerals and 100 gas just to get them, then add 150 minerals to fill it up on scarabs. BUT, with good micro they can be devasting. Wipe out worker lines, level bases, make barracks units essentially useless against Protoss. With the right player like Snow, this is a five star unit, but generally, its limitations drop it to four. It's just too vulnerable with its low speed and reliance on shuttles. Also not easy to unlock. Barracks- Cybernetics Core- Robotics Facility- Robotics Support Bay- and then two upgrades to really make them work. It's a lot of investment that could go to high templar.

Scout **

This should probably be a one star unit but they do tank a lot of damage and deal a lot of anti air damage. But, their ground attack is pitiful, and they are stupid expensive: 275 minerals, 125 gas. And they used to cost more, 300 minerals and 150 gas when the game first game out! Also 3 control units. So you are paying a lot for a unit that's decent anti air, but that's about it. You can use one to harass and pick off overlords, or make a group of them to deal with battlecruisers or enemy carriers. Other than that, they are basically only used to troll.

Corsair ****

Makes the scout obsolete. It's anti air attack only deals 5 damage, but it has an incredibly fast rate of attack and huge splash radius. This makes it annihilate lighter fliers like mutalisks and wraiths. They are also great for hunting overlords. They have the disruption web ability which is cool but not really viable. It makes it so units in an area can't attack, which is great to block out static defense. But it doesn't last very long and costs 125 energy. Brood War is a great game, but that's one ability that desperately could use a buff.

Carrier ***

One of the most powerful units in the game. It launches 8 interceptors when upgraded, each with its own separate attack. Can attack air and ground, has the highest base armor in the game and can take an incredible amount of punishment. So why not a higher ranking? Well, a fully loaded one costs 550 minerals, 250 gas and 6 supply. It's a non starter against Zerg which can just kill them with cheap scourge. If you can get up to enough of them against Terran they are overpowered, but you are very vulnerable during the transition since they siphon of so many minerals and supply. If you try to use them against Protoss you actually give Protoss a reason to make scouts, so that's funny I suppose. Like the Battlecruiser, its cool but limited in utility. Much better as a campaign unit.

Arbiter ****

Its primary attack is pitiful and it costs 100 minerals and a whopping 350 gas. But, it can cloak an entire army and teleport an entire army into an opponents base. Also Stasis is an incredibly potent ability. It freezes a large area of enemy units for quite a while. During this time they are invincible but not attacking. You are essentially locking up a big chunk of enemy supply. If both sides are maxed out, this can really turn the tide of a battle. Four stars and not five though because of the price. That and its the hardest unit to unlock in the game. You need to get a gateway, then cybernetics core. Then you need a stargate. Then you need a citadel of adun. Then you need a templar achives. Lastly you need an arbiter tribunal. And even after that you still need to research abilities. It's about as late game as a unit can be.

Overall, High Templar, no contest, best Protoss unit.

Porque sos una pregunta, como todos.

¿A quién dirigirme? ¿a la superestrella de cine? ¿a la chica hermosa que es feliz siendo otros?

“Felix arbor” = árbol fructífero.

“I don´t get you Ennis de Mar” y una lágrima brotaba en ese rostro: fugaz recuerdo y previsión, curiosa forma de una máscara real.

Entonces sé que extrañamente te deseo como otra, pero con tu voz y tu mirada, con tu resabio y lumbre en cada palabra.

These words we say. These walls we climb. These epitaphs that fall in line. These wildly wondering wandering ways. These cruel distortions sown to fray. These lies upon lies upon lies long cast. These truths lawed forsaken to whither our past. These indignations we shed to spare. These lacerations we score as care. These bartered teachings paved from the start. These words that ensure we all play our part.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

The Best Brood War Unit Part II- Terran

This post isn't super late night so hopefully my spelling and grammar is less atrocious. But maybe not. Anyway, let's do the Terrans, or humans for those not familiar with the game.

Terran Marine ****

At first glance this should be a five star. Only 50 minerals, one of the cheapest units in the game. Ranged attack, upgrade that can speed up their attack rate substantially for a period, giving a cluster of them crazy DPS. They can be healed by medics, loaded into dropships and deployed to harass bases and put into bunkers to serve as defense, or offense if you are cheesing. Did I mention they are super cheap? BUT, the have some hard counters. They are basically useless against Protoss after the early game because reavers mulch them. The economics doesn't work out so well when a 15 mineral scarab kills five. Psi Storm is a huge problem as well. Zerg can take out an army of marines with a few lukers. And against other terrans, siege tanks and vultures are a potent counter. The 40 hitpoints just isn't enough to cut it. This isn't Starcraft 2 where they get a shield upgrade to increase their hitpoint total. Still, you can build them from the start of the game for low cost so we will go with 4/5.

Terran Firebat ***

This is one of those units that is really useful when it is useful, otherwise it is useless. Firebats are a strong counter to zerglings early game due to their splash damage. They are cheap, 50 minerals and 25 gas and can hold off many zerglings. Since they can stimpack, they are pretty decent at wiping out enemy workers as well. Lastly, since all of their damage is splash, they are the only terran unit that can consistently attack enemies under dark swarm. A single dark swarm and lurker can lock down a massive terran mech army, but a few firebats clear it. But that is where firebats utility ends. They just can't hold their own against most units. Protoss gateway units crush them. Terran mech crushes them. Useless gainst ultras, not great against hydras. And they can't shoot up. They get three stars because they counter defilers, otherwise this would be a two star unit.

Terran Medic ****

Heals marines and firebats, vastly improving their cost effectiveness and staying power. They are the only thing keeping mutas and zerglings from destroying early game Terran armies. They can heal each other as well, and are cheap, 1 control and 50 minerals/25 gas. They can't attack, but they do have some spells. If your micro is good you can use restoration to undue debuff spells. They are the only unit that can do this in the game. Optical flair doesn't get a lot of use but eliminating a detectors ability to detect is kind of funny. They are a force mutiplier, but not five stars because they don't have a use if you go mech.

Terran Ghost **

On paper this should be an amazing unit. Only 1 control, long range, ability to lock down a mech unit, cloak and drop nukes. Also the smallest footprint in the game so they can slip through narrow gaps. But their damage is garbage, its 10 concussive which really means a small fraction of that against most units. Second, lockdown is just too difficult to pull of, ghosts have low HP and die before they can get to a carrier, siege tank, battlecruiser, etc. Since dps is nonexistent, the only use of cloak is to get close enough to drop a nuke. And nukes are the only reason this isn't a one star. They are expensive, but if an enemy is heavily turtled it can be the most cost effective way to break static defense while at the same time melting workers. But yeah, high opportunity cost and very few use cases means this is a unit you will rarely see in competitive play. You have you get a science facility and covert ops and then research techs to even make them useful, plus a nuke silo which means no comsat station on that command center. It's really a borderline 1 star unit. But nukes are cool. For computers on the other hand, I'd say this is a four star unit. They can micro in parallel, so they can use an entire swarm of ghosts to lock down units like dragoons and capital ships in mass, making an army useless. Humans just can't pull that off.

Vulture *****

Builds quickly, only requires a factory and costs only 75 minerals. That's one of the cheapest units in the game, barely edging out the marine in cost. It has the fastest speed in the game when upgraded, making it great for scouting. 20 concussive damage means it can't do much against bigger units, but makes very quick work of small units so they can clear worker lines fast. Oh. And spider mines. Each one gets 3 spider mines when upgraded. That's three traps that deal 125 splash damage. So for a single vulture you get a unit that great at scouting, decent combat ability, and can lay traps that can take out hundreds if not thousands of resources worth of enemy units. Even if the spider mines don't land, they zone out the enemy and provide scouting. Protoss have to spend so much time just going around the map clearing mine fields, and you know exactly where their army is. The cost effectiveness of this unit is unparalleled. So why isn't this over, we declare vultures the best unit in the game? I think basically it is just because they cost 2 control. That means it has the same supply opportunity cost as a siege tank, goliath, or wraith. Early and mid game this isn't an issue, but late game they hog too much supply for their damage output. Also, the concussive damage means they barely touch static defense or large units. Watch vultures attack an ultralisk... it is comical. Overall though, compare it to a zealot. It's 25 minerals less, much faster, and can lay traps. Vultures are incredible.

Siege Tank *****

If you've ever watched professional terrans play, you know siege tanks are the backbone of the terran army. So many games come down to whether or not the opponent can bring down their siege tank count. They have the highest range in the game, deal 70 damage, and unlike lurkers can still attack and deal decent damage when they are unsieged. Defensively, they can make locations unassailable. Offensively, they can destroy enemy fortifications from a distance, melt ground armies, or keep opponents trapped. They have a few counters. Beefy zealots with the speed upgrade do well. They can do friendly fire damage so drops can be an issue. Queens are a cost effective way of addressing them. They can't attack up. Still, for sheer damage output and power, tanks are unmatched. If you don't believe me, watch a line of siege tanks get attacked by a clump of dragoons. Easy five star, without them terrans wouldn't be viable professionally.

Goliath ****

This unit is kind of a jack of all trades master of none. It has a decent ground attack, a very good air attack especially with the range upgrade. But its damage pales in comparison to the siege tank, its anti air lacks splash, unlike valkyries, and its more expensive than a vulture. Still, 100 minerals and 50 gas isn't bad. Overall a great support unit. It can protect siege tanks, snipe drop ships, overlords, arbiters, queens, etc. In large numbers it can hold of mutalisks, but I'd avoid trying to go mass goliath vs mass muta for too long because stacked mutas scale better due to the goliaths' lack of splash damage. If Terrans really fuck up and let Protoss mass carriers, mass goliaths can save their ass. For the price of one fully loaded carrier you can get five or six goliaths.

Terran Wraith **

In a standup fight these units are dogshit. They cost more than a mutalisk and do less damage. They get absolutely shredded by anti air. However, they can cloak which makes for some fun harassment. Some players like Leta have worked wraiths into their build for very entertaining games. Many commentators would probably give wraiths three stars, but I just can't do it. One ensare and your cluster of wraiths is dead. Marines, dragoons, high templar, archons, goliaths, hydralisks, mutalisks, scourge corsairs, valkyries, devourers, etc just absolutely crush them. If you are really good you can get an enemy by surprise who didn't build any anti air. But their ground attack is pitiful and their air attack is... fine. And they cost as much as a siege tank. I just can't see many circumstances where I'd rather have 11 wraiths than 11 siege tanks.

Science Vessel ****

Exceptional support unit. Defensive matrix is an underutilized ability. If you add it to an infantry unit spear heading an attack it it gives them incredible durability. Suddenly a marine has 290 hitpoints instead of 40. If your siege tank line is getting attacked a few defensive matrices can turn the tide of the battle. Then there is EMP. If the enemy has a cluster of casters, like queens or high templar, you can wipe out their energy. It also takes out Protoss shields, neutralizing archons or severely diminishing the tank ability of a protoss gateway ball of units. Lastly, irradiate is only 75 energy and it kills any bio unit except for an ultralisk. Also deals AOE damage to any bio units near that bio unit. So it can delete a lurker or a deflier, making it pay for itself very quickly. Where irradiate really shines is against stacked mutalisks. Since it has AOE damage, it hurts the entire stack, forcing the opponent to rapidly separate them otherwise they can lose the entire cluster. So with three very useful spells, why not five stars? Two reasons. One is cost. A science vessel costs 225 gas and 100 minerals. The minerals are whatever, but thats more than two siege tanks worth of gas. Second, they are nice juicy targets. Two scourge can take one out, meaning Zerg can pay 75 gas to eat up 225 Terran gas. Dragoons and goliaths can make short work of them as well.

Battlecruiser ***

500 hitpoints, solid damage output against air and ground. Can one hit scourge, protecting it from them much better than carriers can. Yamato cannon is an ability that can delete a static defensive structure or unit. So, why not higher? They are stupid expensive, stupid slow, and take a stupid amount of time to build. You need to get a barracks, then a factory, then a starport, then a control tower and a science facility. Then a physics lab. Then wait forever for them to build after spending 400 minerals and 300 gas. Then wait forever for them to ponderously fly across the map to your enemy. Only really works as a very late game unit when you have a lot of resources and entrenched positions you are dealing with. Excellent unit in the campaign though, when you are fighting large computer controlled bases and have access to an abundance of resources. I think the first time I beat the original final mission in Starcraft, where you have to take out the Overmind, I just built a dozen Battlecruisers. Flew directly south, then west, cut through the hydras, scourge and spore colonies that stood in my way. Yamatod the Overmind and then finished it off with lasers. Kinda made the final mission a letdown honestly. But that's only because the computer is too dumb to recongize you are building them and establish countermeasures. Otherwise I'd have been greeted by dozens of scourge, hydras and spores.

So yeah, Terran factory units reign supreme. Vultures and Siege Tanks are contenders for top units.

I was taught this recipe many years ago by a friend who supposedly got it in Texas, over the years I’ve made a number refinements and due to popular demand am now sharing it with everyone else who might enjoy a nice chili.

Before we start an important note is that this is not an exact recipe, you can tweak it as you go and adjust it to taste and still end up with a good chili.

Ingredients

• 1 large onion, chopped

• 1–2 pounds of ground beef, or your favourite protein, I also tried Beyond Meat and a friend tried tofu and they all worked out well,

• 2–3 litres of crushed tomatoes (3–4 medium size cans), I like to start with diced and puree them myself using an electric wand,

• same amount of your favourite beans, I tend to prefer kidney but it’s whatever you like, sometimes I use a mix, about 2 litres (4–5 medium sized cans), make sure to rinse these if they come in a can, I actually prefer to start with dried beans and rehydrate them,

• 1 can or bottle of beer, I prefer a dark beer of some kind, but any beer will do,

• spicy peppers, this one is tricky as there are a number of variations, I started with 6 jalapeños, and tried various combinations before landing on 2 habaneros as the prefect spicy pepper for this recipe, feel free to experiment, the recipe is very forgiving overall, note that 3 habaneros will probably make this “hurty” food ;),

• 2–3 tablespoons of bakers semi-sweet chocolate, a lot of people look at me funny when I mention chocolate but it’s probably one of the key ingredients right up there with the spicy peppers, it adds a nice colour and consistency to the chili and also pushes the heat to the “back” so it doesn’t punch you in the face with each mouthful,

• 3–5 tablespoons of chili powder, start slow and you can keep adding more to taste, depending on the freshness of your powder you may have to add more than 3–5 tablespoons, again add a little, test and either add more or leave it alone,

• 1–2 tablespoons of cumin,

• 1 tablespoon of salt or less to taste, take it easy as you can always add more,

Steps

• start by browning your beef or protein in a large pot with a bit of olive oil,

• add the onion, tomatoes, and beans, simmer for about 1.5 hours, cover your pot with a lid or screen making sure that water can escape, make sure to use low heat (I usually stick to 2–3 setting on my stove), the chili can burn easily, we’re in it for the long haul so no point in using high heat,

• time to add the peppers, wear gloves and make sure to not rub your eyes, I usually cut my peppers into large chunks then put them in a container with half the beer and puree or blend it, pour the mixture into your pot and stir,

• use the remaining beer to rinse your container and pour the rest into your pot as well, stir your nascent chili well, at this point and let simmer for about 45 minutes,

• time to add the chili powder, cumin, chocolate, and salt, I add them in 5–10 minute intervals stirring well in between,

• at this point all the ingredients are present and it’s a matter of simmering your chili for at least two more hours, at times I’ve gone longer with no ill effect but again you have to be careful not to burn the chili, the more you simmer it the more likely that some of it may stick to the bottom of the pot and burn a little bit,

• feel free to taste your chili as you go and adjust it as you see fit, biggest recurring issue I’ve had is that my chili powder was past it’s best-before date and I had to add more to give the chili a nice colour and chili-like taste profile.

Closing Notes

This chili recipe is very forgiving, if you have more or less of any ingredient than required that’s ok, it’ll still come out decent.

It will actually get better overnight, after a few hours of simmering you can take it off the heat and just leave it covered on the stove, it will be great with eggs next morning.

It freezes really well, definitely a meal you can package then freeze and enjoy later.

Happy chili!!

#chili #recipe #chilirecipe #habanero #jalapeno

As a father, I spend hours a week at playgrounds. For the first two years I shadowed my kiddo every single step. Now I stand at the periphery. I stand a lot. I wait a lot. Many and most parents and caregivers pass the hours on their phones. I understand their urge. Busy the mind. Give me something to do.

Yet something occurred to me around the time my daughter began climbing and sliding on her own.

This can be time for indwelling, for silent presence, for contemplative love. That inner-shift reoriented everything for me. I went from a dad biding his time to a father dwelling in prayer.

Shrieks of joy, tears of pain, and babble of all sorts fill the air. And I, attuned to heart, hear, “Papa! Look!” I cross the playground to my upside-down daughter who asks, “What're you doing?” And I tell her.

CHAPTER EIGHT: ECHOES

“Sometimes the memories arrive like soft whispers. Other times they crash through me like storms.”

I can’t stop replaying the moments, the life that once felt like ours. Not all the time but enough to keep me there.

The laughter. The small, ordinary things.

We used to race each other to finish crossword puzzles. And no matter how hard he tried, he could not beat me at Boggle. He hated the fact that I was better with words than he was!

He taught me how to parallel park, patient hands guiding mine on the wheel, his voice calm while cars honked behind us.

He showed me how to cut siding, how to always measure twice and cut once. He taught me how to dig holes and set posts for vinyl fences.

We built a “rabbitat” for the rabbit and a playhouse out of scrap material. Two dreamers turning leftovers into a castle.

Towel fights around the house.

Riding shotgun in the wrecker, windows down, air heavy with gas and wind.

I miss all of that. Every lesson. Every inside joke. Every small thing I didn’t know was precious until it was gone.

How can I ever find someone who makes life feel like that again? Someone who makes ordinary things extraordinary?

My heart is full of sadness; my eyes full of tears. I don’t know how to think or feel anymore.

It’s like I am numb, walking through echoes. My life feels incomplete.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through, and I am alone. The memories keep me company and break me at the same time.

They’re all I have left of a world that no longer exists.

But still, I hold them.

Because even if they hurt, memories are all I have left. But I’ve been asking myself something I never wanted to face:

Why does my mind replay the good moments with someone who broke me?

Why do I remember the laughter, the lessons, the softness but forget the nights I cried myself to sleep.

The way I kept shrinking to fit inside a love that never had room for me? The brain protects the heart by hiding the very things that should keep us away.

How it tucks the pain into dark corners. And spotlights the memories that feel safe, familiar, warm.

But the truth is simple and brutal:

It wasn’t healthy.
It wasn’t steady. It wasn’t love that let me grow. it was love that made me forget who I was.

So why do I miss him?

Because my heart remembers the version of him I hoped was real. Because the good moments were rare, but they were bright. Because even toxic people can give us memories that feel like home.

But missing someone doesn’t mean they were good for you. Missing someone doesn’t mean you should go back. Missing someone only means you’re human.

There are footnotes on this broken bridge— legions of paralysis inkscaped from the droughts of servitude, like dismissive dilations dancing atop the dreary recalibrations of a cracked, yet tethered, dogma. I stoop and scoop in looping high. Head just shy of a mounted celebration. The hesitation is exuberant in its weariness— two steps forward (A race of wherewithal from the back.) I've gotten off track. What I'd give for time on a wrack, extending... There are footnotes on this broken bridge where crosses esteem my lope haunting.

© 2026 AnOublietteofThought. All rights reserved.

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BAD GUY

“Gaslighting isn’t just confusion. It’s erosion.”

They never liked me. Not really.

His mother blamed me for everything. every mood, every mistake, every crack in the picture-perfect family she wanted to see.

He was never held accountable. Not once. He could lie, cheat, and disappear, and somehow, I still became the villain. The bad influence. The problem.

All I ever wanted was to love him and build a family—a normal, quiet life. Sunday dinners, school plays, birthdays that didn’t end in shouting.

But he couldn’t stay faithful or committed. He never gave straight answers to anything; everything somehow turned back on me.

At first, I tried to defend myself. Then I started defending him. And somewhere in between, I stopped recognizing myself.

Gaslighting isn’t just confusion. It’s erosion. It’s waking up one day and realizing you don’t trust your own memories, your own thoughts, or your own eyes.

He would break a promise, then insist I misunderstood. He would do something in private, then act like it never happened in public. Worse, sometimes he would do small, sharp things on purpose just to make me react.

When my anger spilled out, he stayed calm. Collected. He looked like the reasonable one; I looked like the unstable one.

In everyone else’s eyes, he was the patient man trying to manage his dramatic girlfriend. And I was the crazy woman who couldn’t control herself.

Even I didn’t like myself in those moments. I hated the sharpness in my voice and the feeling of being completely out of control.

But those reactions weren’t who I was. They were the result of what he was doing. It was like he was pulling invisible strings, turning me into a version of myself I didn’t even like, just to prove his point.

Over time, I stopped asking if he was lying and started asking if I was crazy. Maybe I’m too sensitive. Maybe I imagined it. Maybe I’m the problem.

I learned to scan his face before speaking. I edited my words before they left my mouth. I walked on eggshells in my own home.

And then came the hardest part: mothering through it.

I would stand at Finn’s school concerts with a smile fixed on my face, clapping until my hands stung, while inside I felt hollow.

I would braid Harlow’s hair for picture day, whispering encouragement I didn’t believe for myself.

But I showed up. I kept showing up.

And every night I collapsed onto the couch, convinced I wasn’t enough. Not as a woman, and not as a mother.

Some days I thought about disappearing. And still, somehow, I clawed my way back from that edge over and over again.

It started small. I began writing down what happened.

Not just the words he said, but the way I felt when he said them. I began reading old entries and seeing the patterns. I began naming the gaslighting for what it was.

Little by little, I built a ladder out of my own words. One day, I reached a rung high enough to see over the fog.

It didn’t make the shame disappear overnight, but it gave me a foothold to tell myself something I had almost forgotten how to believe:

This isn’t my fault.

PART 2: THE EMOTIONAL COLLAPSE

CHAPTER SIX: THE LETTER

“Each page was a confession. Each word, a thread pulling me back from the edge.”

I started writing because the emptiness was too loud. Not for anyone else. Not for closure. Just to survive.

I wrote on the backs of envelopes. In the notes app on my phone at 2 a.m., when sleep wouldn’t come and the ache in my chest felt like drowning.

Each page was a confession. Each word, a thread pulling me back from the edge.

I wrote to him: You promised me forever. Do you remember saying that? Do you remember how I believed you? You built me a world and then burned it down, and I’m the one left coughing in the smoke.

I wrote to Finn: I’m sorry you had to grow up faster than you should have. I see the man you’re becoming. I see the weight you carry, and I wish I could lift it off your shoulders. I am proud of you. Always.

I wrote to Harlow: No, baby, I didn’t leave you. I am still your home, even if we don’t live under the same roof. One day you’ll understand that sometimes love fights its hardest battles in the shadows.

None of these letters were sent. But they saved me.

I wrote about the couch. The shame.

The way Harlow’s voice cracked when she asked, “Are we ever going to live together again?”

I wrote about the man who ghosted me. How he made me feel like a fool and then discarded me like a receipt he no longer needed. I wrote about the woman in the mirror, The one who was learning to stand again, to speak again, to believe again.

And then one night, I stopped writing to them. I wrote to the one person who had been quiet the longest: myself.

Each sentence a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Each word a kind of truth that didn’t fit in polite conversation. The kind of truth that bled.

Dear Me,

I know you’re tired. I know you feel like you’ve failed. I know the silence hurts more than the shouting ever did.

But I need you to remember something: You are not broken. You are becoming.

This pain is not your identity. It’s your passage.

You are the mother who keeps showing up. The woman who keeps breathing. The heart that keeps loving even when it’s been shattered.

You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be here.

So, cry. Write. Rest. Then rise.

Because you are still here. And that is enough.

Love, Me

Lots of boring accounting and excel sheets today.

But made a little somethin' somethin' for my special lady, which brought me much joy:

#journal

When I was young, I thought writers sat at their favorite desk to write. On it, they had their typewriter or computer, along with messy sheets of paper and folders, and all their accessories. He or she would type uninterrupted for hours along with a cigarette in their mouth and a glass of their favorite poison on their desk.

As a stay-at-home dad with two boys I don’t have that luxury. I only have time to write within the calm moments between the chaos. I’m a field writer. What was interesting was I already learned and applied the lessons when I worked surveillance as a private investigator.

Maybe you’re a busy person who’s having trouble writing and finishing whatever manuscript you’re working on. So I’m writing a short ebook on how you can flourish and get things done while writing in the field. Once I finish it will be published on my Gumroad page and I’ll let you know.

Keep in mind, I’m also working on the new sci-fi series I posted about previously. Stay tuned!

#writing #ebook #fieldwriting #Gumroad

Hey I’m on the train again, inside the train on my way home, yeah?

I have been conferencing today, breathing stale air. There’s a glimpse of what I may have been ended up doing if I’d taken another fork in the road, presales, project planning. I’m glad of this day, and glad I’m more of a technical expert, lurking in the shadows

Of course my head hurts from this bright exposure

It was nice

Of course it was

And yet as I entered into the heavy rain outside I felt refreshed and invigorated

I love the rain

I want to feel something, you know?

In this train in this rain I’m listening to the Waterboys “Red Army blues”; a cautionary tale about a WWII soldier defeating the Germans and being rewarded for his efforts with a single ticket to Gulag

And I’m thinking that it could be worse,

But that’s always the case, unless you’re the guy in the song,

Prepared to give his life to Soviet Russia, having it betray him, now all he has left is the brute will to survive.

Ironic

Now it’s more of a gothic song in my ears it’s very cool to Seelenschmerz

Glaubst du noch an meine Lügen?

Do you still believe in my lies?

Heavy stuff

I love this life!

Ich trage fast jeden Tag eine mechanische Armbanduhr. Das ist, nüchtern betrachtet, keine besonders vernünftige Entscheidung mehr. Mein Smartphone zeigt die Zeit genauer an, mein Computer ebenfalls, und selbst innerhalb der Welt der Armbanduhren wäre eine einfache Quarzuhr punkto Genauigkeit technisch überlegen. Meine mechanische Uhr schafft es sogar, jeden Monat einige Minuten von der objektiven Zeit abzuweichen – ein Feature, das mein Smartphone erstaunlicherweise nicht bietet. Trotzdem trage ich sie. Nicht trotz ihrer Überholtheit, sondern gerade deshalb.

Ähnlich geht es mir beim Schreiben. Ich schreibe viel von Hand und benutze dafür ausdrücklich einen Füllfederhalter. Auch hier ist es schwierig, mit Effizienz zu argumentieren. Eine Tastatur ist schneller, ein Kugelschreiber unkomplizierter, Spracheingabe inzwischen erstaunlich brauchbar. Dennoch gibt es Situationen, in denen ich lieber Papier vor mir habe, die Feder über die Seite führe und Gedanken in einem Tempo festhalte, das deutlich unter meiner Tippgeschwindigkeit liegt.

Man könnte solche Vorlieben vorschnell unter #Nostalgie verbuchen. Das liegt nahe, denn unsere Gegenwart ist reich an Retro-Ästhetik, Reissues, Vintage-Looks und Wiederbelebungen vergangener Formen. Agnes Arnold-Forster zeigt in ihrer Geschichte der Nostalgie, dass die Vorstellung einer verlorenen besseren Vergangenheit keineswegs erst mit dem digitalen Zeitalter entstanden ist. Gerade Zeiten raschen gesellschaftlichen und technologischen Wandels bieten dafür einen fruchtbaren Boden [1].

Nur trifft diese Beschreibung meine Haltung nicht besonders gut.

Eine nostalgische Position würde ungefähr lauten: Früher waren die Dinge besser, also möchte ich etwas von dieser verlorenen Welt bewahren oder zurückholen. Meine Haltung funktioniert aber anders. Ich weiss, dass es heute effizientere, bequemere und technisch überlegene Alternativen gibt. Gerade deshalb kann ich frei entscheiden, wann ich sie benutze und wann nicht. Das ist für mich keine Rückwärtsbewegung, sondern eine bewusste Selektionsentscheidung innerhalb der Moderne.

Der eigentliche Unterschied liegt nicht in den Dingen selbst, sondern darin, wie Vergangenheit und Gegenwart zueinander ins Verhältnis gesetzt werden. Nostalgie erzählt eine Verlustgeschichte. Mich interessiert eher ein Modell der Koexistenz. Das Smartphone macht die mechanische Uhr überflüssig, aber nicht bedeutungslos. Die Tastatur ersetzt Handschrift in vielen Situationen, ohne dass damit das Schreiben von Hand verschwinden muss.

Der Polaroid-Filter in der Kamera-App, der eine vergangene Ästhetik simuliert, ist etwas anderes als mit einem Füllfederhalter tatsächlich von Hand zu schreiben. Das eine zitiert Vergangenheit, das andere erhält eine Praxis als gegenwärtige Option.

Sobald eine Praxis funktional überflüssig wird, kann sie symbolisch interessanter werden. Genau dafür liefert auch die Konsumforschung einen passenden Hintergrund. Russell Belk hat beschrieben, wie Besitztümer Teil unseres Selbstbilds werden können [2]. Andere Arbeiten zeigen, dass einzelne Gegenstände sich mit Biografie, Rollen und Erinnerungen verbinden [3]. Meine Uhr ist dann nicht mehr bloss ein Instrument zur Zeitmessung, sondern wird zu einem vertrauten Bestandteil des eigenen Alltags.

Solche Dinge erzählen allerdings nicht nur uns selbst etwas über uns. Sie senden auch nach aussen Signale. Forschung zu subtilen Konsumsignalen zeigt, dass Produkte Zugehörigkeit, Wissen und soziale Distinktion vermitteln können, gerade wenn ihre Bedeutung nicht für alle gleich offensichtlich ist [4]. Das ist interessant, aber für meine Frage nur die halbe Geschichte.

Mich interessiert vor allem die Bewegung nach innen. Ich würde sie innere Distinktion nennen: die Fähigkeit, zwischen dem zu unterscheiden, was technisch möglich, gesellschaftlich üblich oder maximal effizient ist, und dem, was ich selbst für eine bestimmte Situation wählen möchte.

Damit ist nicht gemeint, das Umständliche zum moralisch Besseren zu erklären. Ich schreibe diesen Text selbstverständlich am Computer. Ich möchte nur selbst entscheiden können, welche Technik für welche Tätigkeit den Ton angibt. Gerade dieses „nicht müssen, aber können“ verändert den Charakter der Entscheidung.

Innere Distinktion wäre dann keine Flucht vor der Gegenwart, sondern eine Form von Selbstbestimmung innerhalb ihrer Möglichkeiten. Ich kann die bequemste, schnellste oder neueste Option wählen, aber ich bin ihr nicht automatisch verpflichtet. Fortschritt erweitert den Möglichkeitsraum. Er muss ihn nicht verengen.

Auch bei Kleidung lässt sich etwas davon beobachten. Der Hoodie ist ein schönes Beispiel dafür, wie schnell aus einer Geste der Nonkonformität eine Uniform werden kann. Was in Teilen der Tech- und Wissenswelt einmal als Bruch mit der alten Businesskleidung galt, ist vielerorts selbst zur Konvention geworden. Gleichzeitig sehe ich bei manchen Menschen wieder häufiger Hemden, Strick, Wollhosen oder Lederschuhe. Ob daraus ein breiter Trend wird, ist für meinen Punkt gar nicht entscheidend. Interessant ist, dass sich mit jeder neuen Norm auch das Potenzial zur Distinktion verschiebt. Der sogenannte „Red Sneakers Effect“ passt dazu: Bewusste Abweichung von Kleidungsnormen kann unter bestimmten Bedingungen sogar Kompetenz und Status signalisieren, wenn sie als absichtlich wahrgenommen wird [5].

Damit komme ich wieder zu meiner mechanischen Uhr zurück. Sie hat den Kampf gegen das Smartphone als Zeitmesser längst verloren. Darum zeigt sie uns heute deutlicher, wozu wir Dinge sonst noch brauchen.

Meine mechanische Uhr ist ungenauer als mein Smartphone, mein Füllfederhalter schreibt langsamer als meine Tastatur, und ein Paar Lederschuhe wird den Sneaker in Sachen Bequemlichkeit kaum schlagen [6]. Das ist kein Argument gegen moderne Technik. Im Gegenteil: Erst weil ich auf sie jederzeit zurückgreifen kann, werden die älteren Möglichkeiten zu echten Entscheidungen. Ein Teil moderner Freiheit besteht genau darin, nicht zurückzumüssen, aber zu können. Bewusst und mit Stil.

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💬 Kommentieren (nur für write.as-Accounts)

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Quellen & Anmerkungen [1] A. Arnold-Forster, Nostalgia: A History of a Dangerous Emotion. London: Picador, 2024.

[2] R. W. Belk, “Possessions and the Extended Self”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 15, Nr. 2, S. 139–168, 1988. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/209154

[3] S. S. Kleine, R. E. Kleine III und C. T. Allen, “How Is a Possession “Me” or “Not Me”? Characterizing Types and an Antecedent of Material Possession Attachment”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 22, Nr. 3, S. 327–343, 1995. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/209454

[4] J. Berger und M. Ward, “Subtle Signals of Inconspicuous Consumption”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 37, Nr. 4, S. 555–569, 2010. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/655445

[5] S. Bellezza, F. Gino und A. Keinan, “The Red Sneakers Effect: Inferring Status and Competence from Signals of Nonconformity”, Journal of Consumer Research, Bd. 41, Nr. 1, S. 35–54, 2014. [Online]. Verfügbar unter: https://doi.org/10.1086/674870

[6] Dem möchte ich aus subjektiver Erfahrung widersprechen: Wer dies behauptet, kauft schlicht die falschen Schuhe – oder kennt seine richtige Schuhgrösse nicht.

Bildquelle Eugenio Zampighi (1859–1944): La montre, Privatbesitz, Public Domain.

Disclaimer Teile dieses Texts wurden mit Deepl Write (Korrektorat und Lektorat) überarbeitet. Für die Recherche in den erwähnten Werken/Quellen und in meinen Notizen wurde NotebookLM von Google verwendet. Für das Erstellen der Infografik wurde ChatGPT benutzt.

Topic #Selbstbetrachtungen | #Maschinenwelten

Wednesday's MLB game of choice once again has the Washington Nationals playing my Texas Rangers. This is the second game of a 3-game series between these two teams and is scheduled to start at 7:05 PM CDT. As I usually do I'll follow the game's scores and stats in real time via MLB's Gameday Service where we can also find links to the radio-call of the game provided by announcers of either team we choose.

The Rangers won the first game of this series, played last night, by a score of 5 to 0. Interestingly, this was the score in the fifth inning when I had to leave the game and put myself to bed. Hoping for another Rangers victory tonight.

And the adventure continues.