The silver full moon shines even through the clouds; illuminating them on the brownish blue night sky.

!!

And the frozen slush of molten dirty snow is blank and slippery — against the sky, however, it looks like it glimmers with gold.

And in the car it’s warm. And the dogs are warm.

And I have my family with me.

My whole world in this dark warm car.

Isn’t that something?

#poetry

Anxiety is something nearly everyone battles, but almost no one talks about honestly. You can see someone smiling, laughing, posting pictures, raising kids, running a business, serving at church, and they’ll look completely fine on the outside—while inside their mind feels like it’s spinning at a hundred miles an hour. The world sees composure. God sees a child bracing for impact from storms they never asked for.

Anxiety doesn’t show up politely. It doesn’t knock on the door and wait to be invited. It slides in unnoticed. It sits in your chest. It echoes in your mind. It interrupts sleep. It magnifies small things into disasters and turns harmless thoughts into heavy ones. And it has a way of convincing you that you’re the only person in the room feeling that way—which is the biggest lie of them all.

Because one of the greatest truths you will ever learn is this:

You can love God deeply and still battle anxiety. You can be a believer and still feel overwhelmed. You can walk with Christ and still wake up afraid.

Feeling anxiety does not mean you’re weak. It means you’re alive. It means you’re human. It means your heart cares so much that it trembles when uncertainty comes close.

But here’s the part anxiety never tells you:

You were never created to carry it by yourself.

The Quiet War No One Sees

There is a reason anxiety feels heavier when you’re alone. The mind likes to replay the worst possibilities when nobody is there to interrupt it. Anxiety loves silence. It loves the late hours. It loves the moments when your guard is down and you feel too tired to fight.

And because you feel it deeply, you start questioning yourself:

“Why can’t I calm down?” “Why does my heart race for no reason?” “Why do I always expect something to go wrong?” “Why does peace feel like something other people get to have?”

Then the guilt piles on:

“I must not trust God enough.” “I must not be strong spiritually.” “I should be able to handle this.” “I pray… so why do I still feel like this?”

Let me speak freedom into you right now:

You can have a strong faith and still fight a strong battle.

Faith is not the absence of anxiety. Faith is the decision to hand your anxiety to Someone stronger than you.

God Is Not Ashamed of Your Feelings

Sometimes people talk as if Christians should never struggle… never feel fear… never feel overwhelmed. But that’s not Scripture. That’s not the human experience. And that’s not God.

Look at David—one of the strongest, most courageous figures in the Bible. He fought lions, bears, and giants, but he still wrote things like:

“My anxiety is great within me.” “My heart is troubled.” “My soul is cast down.”

If David—chosen, anointed, favored—felt anxiety, then your struggle does not disqualify you from God’s love or His calling.

God does not look at your anxious thoughts and say, “Why can’t you be stronger?” He looks at them and says, “Come here. Let Me hold what you’re trying to carry.”

You are never judged for your fear. You are invited into His presence because of it.

What Anxiety Really Steals

Anxiety steals from the inside out.

It steals today by dragging your mind into tomorrow. It steals peace by feeding you possibilities that haven’t happened. It steals confidence by whispering that you’re not enough. It steals rest by convincing you that the world will fall apart if you stop moving.

Anxiety paints a future where God isn’t present—because anxiety only knows how to speak in the language of fear.

But fear is always inaccurate when God is in the picture.

Fear exaggerates. God reassures. Fear imagines chaos. God speaks peace. Fear says, “You won’t make it.” God says, “I will carry you.”

Fear never gets the final word when God is involved.

The Storm That Didn’t Wake Jesus

Do you ever wonder why Jesus could sleep during a violent storm while the disciples were panicking for their lives?

Because the storm didn’t threaten Him. But their fear moved Him.

Think about that:

The storm didn’t wake Jesus. Their anxiety did.

He didn’t get up because He was scared of the wind. He got up because His children were overwhelmed.

And that is exactly what He does now.

Your anxious moments do not drive Him away—they draw Him in. Your fear does not annoy Him—it moves Him with compassion. Your shaking heart does not frustrate Him—it invites His nearness.

When Anxiety Speaks Loud, Let Truth Speak Louder

Anxiety has a voice. But God has a stronger one.

Anxiety says, “You’re all alone.” God says, “I will never leave you.”

Anxiety says, “You can’t handle this.” God says, “My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

Anxiety says, “Everything is going wrong.” God says, “I work all things together for good.”

Anxiety says, “It’s falling apart.” God says, “I am upholding all things by My power.”

Anxiety says, “You’re not safe.” God says, “I am your refuge and fortress.”

Every lie anxiety whispers is dismantled by the truth of God’s presence.

The Shift That Breaks Anxiety’s Grip

Anxiety thrives on one question: “What if?”

“What if it goes wrong?” “What if I fail?” “What if they leave?” “What if I don’t know what to do?” “What if this time is different?” “What if I can’t get through it?”

But faith doesn’t live in “what if.” Faith lives in “even if.”

“What if I lose my job?” becomes “Even if I do, God will provide.”

“What if I make the wrong decision?” becomes “Even if I stumble, God will redirect me.”

“What if the outcome isn’t what I hoped?” becomes “Even if it isn’t, God will carry me through.”

“What if I feel anxious again tomorrow?” becomes “Even if I do, God will meet me there.”

When you shift from what if to even if, anxiety loses its power to predict your future.

You Don’t Have To Be Fearless—Just Faithful

Sometimes believers think the goal is to eliminate fear completely. It isn’t.

God never said, “You must be fearless.” He said, “Do not fear, for I am with you.”

Meaning: Fear may come, but it doesn’t get to stay. Fear may whisper, but it doesn’t get to lead. Fear may show up, but it doesn’t get to decide your life.

Courage is not never feeling anxiety. Courage is choosing God in the middle of it.

Even with trembling hands. Even with a racing mind. Even with uncertainty swirling.

God doesn’t wait for you to feel strong. He becomes your strength when you feel weak.

When You Feel Like You're Failing Spiritually

Let’s address something many people won’t admit:

There are days when anxiety is so strong that prayer feels difficult. Not because you don’t love God. Not because you’re resisting Him. But because your mind feels overwhelmed.

And in those moments, the enemy loves to whisper, “See? Your faith isn’t real. If you trusted God, you wouldn’t feel this way.”

That is a lie.

You’re not failing spiritually because you feel anxious. You’re not failing because you’re exhausted. You’re not failing because your thoughts are loud.

You are fighting a battle that God is helping you win— even when you don’t feel strong.

The Promise God Speaks Directly Into Your Anxiety

There is a verse that has carried countless believers through their darkest moments. And I want you to receive it personally today:

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” —Isaiah 41:10

Notice the pattern:

I am with you. I am your God. I will strengthen. I will help. I will uphold.

This isn’t a suggestion. This isn’t wishful thinking. This isn’t hopeful language.

This is God promising— with the full authority of Heaven— to hold you steady when your heart feels unsteady.

A Prayer for Every Person Fighting Anxiety Today

“Lord, I lift up every son and daughter reading this. You see the battles they fight silently. You see the thoughts that overwhelm them. You see the burdens they try so hard to carry alone. Wrap them in Your peace now. Let Your presence calm what their mind cannot. Push back every lie anxiety has planted. Speak Your truth into every fearful corner of their heart. Strengthen them in ways they didn’t know they could be strengthened. Comfort them in ways they didn’t know they needed comfort. And remind them that they are not alone—not for one second. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

A Final Word to Your Heart

Listen closely:

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not a disappointment to God. You are not falling apart.

You are a human being walking through something hard, with a God who walks beside you step by step.

There will be days when the anxiety is softer. There will be days when the fear disappears completely. And there will be days when the weight feels lighter—not because life changed, but because you did.

God is strengthening you through this. He is maturing you through this. He is forming something unshakeable inside you through this.

And you will come out of this storm not just surviving— but transformed.

Hold on. Breathe. Take one step at a time. And remember:

You are loved. You are held. You are carried. You are never alone.

---

Watch Douglas Vandergraph’s inspiring faith-based videos on YouTube

Support the ministry by buying Douglas a coffee

—Douglas Vandergraph

#faith #encouragement #Jesus #hope #anxiety #ChristianMotivation #inspiration

Death of The Far Right

And men came to riches You and I were forever Impossibly bare Intoning what could be Extending our day The Price is Right Seconds to film See what works for the lampstand Made to fail inner workings And to not marry Alone at international customs The size of a hummingbird Preciously waiting with widgets Hair of a Druze just for her We were people on LinkedIn Maine sold a story Of the ever-bunch and bottomless pit Oversymptomification for four This day is running you Like a place without water Noticed every sin What a trapeze would have honoured- A slight spill There was Erudite change And spoken English But of someone cousin, and the love, Making perfect in the act- We were put out for bankruptcy because we were poor We ran for the gates Were put in government Nobody showed us the door Became the President I am the little one Praying for years about sex And a tiny embargo- A fortune- Was days from war And we owed and we sued For trouble of carriage Last in line Just like you

We, The People, Expected this world Were perfunctorily perfect Mythes of second hair A lil frail Popsicle on time Precious top Eating early Hatin’ no-one Friends for life Yeah we was no-one And we left the world better- In Black Power And Christ came

Bring This To Heaven

I am the main event Even flowers were invited An incident to the left Cover your ears Juniper on Sunday Enjoying every canoe By remote there was wonder And I smashed the CRT A window to the touch High regret to one month 6 arrays of heaven And a drawer full of sleep The black and white princess With pictures for the press In peace by forever A Macintosh creation Saving the sane, The crazy ones, Fit for Heaven, Advancing here In biggest wonder Triumphant- Upon this day When applications ran free In a fire of sixteen, Finding my red balloon

⌨️

Pat McCarthy (left) with students in Liaoning, where he invested his life savings to advance education for the children of rural China through his non-profit school. Photo captured at the November 2025 Ireland-China Speech Festival.

Liaoning’s Dawn

In Liaoning's fields where quiet dreams reside,

Pat walks with purpose, love his only guide.

He gave his all—life’s savings in his hand—

To plant a school where hope could take its stand.

He does not beg, but beckons those with might,

To join his cause and bring the dawn to light.

O stewards of tomorrow, lend your flame—

Let legacy, not wealth alone, define your name.

To support this mission and help widen the horizon for children in rural China, please consider contributing through the GlobalGiving initiative Give 1,000 Rural Children an English Education.

#poetry

#IrelandChinaRelations

#RuralChina

#CharityinChina

© 2025 Europe China Monitor News Team

Incheon

The river joy is understood People to pray for signs- Better luck with a new hope Endowments of circumstance- to the American elect This is stillwater Erasing fewer days, Seoul is capstone No corporation but the integral ones A sane place for dinner Flowers in hand Dreams for the future Mystical days ahead in Korea Future wars are none decided Best days in June Money woes for a quarter The agency is yours, Lord Grant us peace in Christ Amen

The Colour Stays Here-

In vision Across the form of Earth For sizes of Apple And a British hewing Maximum heart And Nathan breathing Bits of clover and woodrose In patches of wool And then there was Santa Winning caution to the aware Five times the Uncle As a patient young man Summer days- To be sure- An impression of wisdom Spokes of all men Flying wind to the fights To stay forever good In this Honda creation What policy but of brothers Waking early for chance And in the affair of theirs, Septuagenic writing For this field of roses, And what is his, And what is wonder

Return of The Caveman

In creation comfort, A mode of roles Confiding in action Across a span of places Foursquare and Times A retrofit Peace to this day And actual places of effect To Tuesdays in general, a man softly weeping For his day of opposites- Of joy, of frustration To be so in heart Never because of the bad deal Raging capitulations- Of the car- Finding maximum speed And merriness Apostles in rainclothes, furthering the scuttle In science a way of standing For this little Earth of being With the Rosary as our desert rote And viewing Winter In the waist-high Maximum shine Upon these years For hope to reform A nice form in the dark- Fires burning To catch all that is sweet In a Caveman year, such as this

It’s 4am. The worst time. LT – 6 months old – is crying. Again. She last cried 40 minutes ago. And she cried 40 minutes before that. I’ve lost count and track of the times before. This is unusual. I’m not equipped for it.

But I’ve had enough. It’s late. Or is it early? I’ve had no sleep, and I have important things to do in the morning. (Not really, but they seem it at 4am.)

Six months. That’s old enough for her to be trying it on, isn’t it? This is beginning to feel like a tantrum. I’ll let her work it out by herself…

But she’s not stopping. She’s just working up to more and more distress. So I pick her up. Of course I do. And I hug, and I soothe, and I beg because I don’t know what else to do. She comes into our bed, and with some hugs and kisses and songs she eventually gets back off to sleep.

I look at the clock and decide I may as well get up. And I go to work, and I type, almost on autopilot. And I go to Smith’s where I forget to buy what I went in for, and leave my debit card in the machine when I go back in for the second time. And then I go home, tired, grumpy and dreading the night ahead.

“Her first tooth has come through!” my partner grins. And in six words, the confusion of the night before crystallises into sense. And I feel awful, because it wasn’t a tantrum, and I was a horrible Dad. And I realise those important things I had to do were, in fact, minuscule.

And I feel wonderful because she’s growing up and I’m there to see it.

I go to her, and she looks at me, and beams that big toothless grin – not so toothless now – and I sit beside her, and she reaches out and rests her hand on me. And whatever she’s capable of thinking or feeling, I feel welcome, forgiven and loved.

#notes #november2014

the origin repo is here.

this note records my questions and solutions of this project.

First two questions are:

• what is the code const todoInput = document.querySelector(".todo-input") try to do?
• what “event listeners” are (like the addEventListener parts)? or who listening the event?

The first one is to use dot selector to pass the todo-input-related to todoInput, and the code could use it for event listening logic writing. The second one is the browser that listening the event, the event listeners maybe a process of a browser, and when the code which contain addEventListener, browser then create a process for event listen. but actually I'm not sure the explain is right or not.

The whole things are: user write the content, and click the so called Send button, browser listening this button event, cuz the JS code we write is running in the browser, and the browser know, then execute the specific function, for example, addTodo.

Then another question is: if don't create div tag, what will happen?

If we change the code in addTodo from this:

todoDiv.appendChild(newTodo);
todoDiv.appendChild(completedButton);
todoDiv.appendChild(trashButton);
todoList.appendChild(todoDiv);

to this:

todoList.appendChild(newTodo);
todoList.appendChild(completedButton);
todoList.appendChild(trashButton);

which mean directly put the Send button, Delete button, and div on todoList. we could see: after changing the code, those three are divided, much ugly. Although I don't know why I refresh the page and everything become normal(maybe the browser is correcting my code).

Refactor

After read the function of getTodos, I know why after refresh. The page become normal because after refresh, the getTodos function is called, and there also a create todo logic in it, since there the logic is right, the page will still perform right.

But this also come up an issue that, there are repetitive codes in addTodo and getTodos, we can DRY that code.

I DRY that code myself, but seems some bugs occur, so I think I should read twice before coding.

Before, the functions addTodo and getTodos are looked like this:

function addTodo(e) {
  e.preventDefault();
  
  // Create todo div
  const todoDiv = document.createElement("div");
  todoDiv.classList.add("todo");
  
  // Create list
  const newTodo = document.createElement("li");
  newTodo.innerText = todoInput.value;
  
  // Save to local
  saveLocalTodos(todoInput.value);
  newTodo.classList.add("todo-item");
  todoDiv.appendChild(newTodo);
  todoInput.value = "";
  
  // Create Completed Button
  const completedButton = document.createElement("button");
  completedButton.innerHTML = `✓`;
  completedButton.classList.add("complete-btn");
  todoDiv.appendChild(completedButton);
  
  // Create trash button
  const trashButton = document.createElement("button");
  trashButton.innerHTML = `✗`;
  trashButton.classList.add("trash-btn");
  todoDiv.appendChild(trashButton);
  
  // Final Todo
  todoList.appendChild(todoDiv);
}

function getTodos() {
  let todos;
  
  if (localStorage.getItem("todos") === null) {
    todos = [];
  } else {
    todos = JSON.parse(localStorage.getItem("todos"));
  }
  
  todos.forEach(function (todo) {
    // Create todo div
    const todoDiv = document.createElement("div");
    todoDiv.classList.add("todo");
    
    // Create list
    const newTodo = document.createElement("li");
    newTodo.innerText = todo;
    newTodo.classList.add("todo-item");
    todoDiv.appendChild(newTodo);
    todoInput.value = "";
    
    // Create Completed Button
    const completedButton = document.createElement("button");
    completedButton.innerHTML = `✓`;
    completedButton.classList.add("complete-btn");
    todoDiv.appendChild(completedButton);
    
    // Create trash button
    const trashButton = document.createElement("button");
    trashButton.innerHTML = `✗`;
    trashButton.classList.add("trash-btn");
    todoDiv.appendChild(trashButton);
    
    // Final Todo
    todoList.appendChild(todoDiv);
  });

I think it's hard to refactor now, at least at this form.

About these code, here are some questions:

• what is 'e' and what is preventDefault do?
• why we need todoInput.value = "";

As we all know, when a button is submit type, its default action is submit the form to the remote server. But since here we only use local memory to keep the todo list, so don't need to do that. And the 'e' here is just a parameter to pass the related variable of clicking event define by browser.

Delete Myth

After commenting out the style.css link in index.html, I find a strange problem of this code: when I input, submit, and delete the note, it didn't delete at once, but after a refresh. Code is here:

function deleteTodo(e) {
  const item = e.target;

  if (item.classList[0] === "trash-btn") {
    const todo = item.parentElement;
    
    todo.classList.add("fall");
    todo.classList.add("completed");
    removeLocalTodos(todo);
    
    todo.addEventListener("transitionend", (e) => {
      todo.remove();
    });
  }
  
  if (item.classList[0] === "complete-btn") {
    const todo = item.parentElement;
    
    todo.classList.toggle("completed");
  }
}

Here I use console.log to test what is item, and found it is button. But something beyond my surprise:

const todo = item.parentElement;
console.log(todo)
todo.classList.add("fall");
todo.classList.add("completed");
console.log(todo)
removeLocalTodos(todo);

The first and the second log show the same content! which is a div have 3 class.

Last Word

Well, this project is poorly written, I give up reading it. Never, ever, read a rubbish project.

A long time after ChatGPT release, we heavily depending on all kinds of AI products.

• At the end of my college year, 80% of my paper was written by AI.
• After having a job(which is writting script), I use it to coding and give up coding myself.
• During AdventureX 2025, most of the products(including ours) here were created by AI.
• Even some Art Gallery start to put some so-called “AI-generated art” to show.
• Lots of “vibe coders” emege, develop software seems a thing that everyone could do.

We are so damn rely it that we almost lost our own thinking.

Of course I know someone will argue: “then why don't you criticise Google, Facebook, or Tiktok?” My answer is, they only change the way we see the infomation. Or worst, they just push what we wanna hear or see, we could still read the other media. But using AI, most of people will lost their thinking ability.

Don't use, you lose. When AI start its deep thinking, who the hell will think by themself? Once people are not thinking by themself, they are just a AI-prompt speaker, say what AI say, do what AI suggest.

Here is a talk from TED, it hold the same point with me.

On Feb 24th, I finish my first time hackthon on Devpost, with other three friends.

On June 24th, I receive an invitation email from AdventureX 2025. On July 28th, I finished the five days hackathon in Hangzhou.

Later, I joined a hackathon launched by Hackathon Weekly, a organization in Shenzhen.

I was excited, passionate, fall in love with these hackathons. I once hope that, in China, there will be more well-organized hackathons there waiting for people to join in. But now, what I wanna say is: Don't join any hackathon in China, and here are why.

Root weak here

Open Source community is weak in China, and due to the network policy, even in code&design, some people still don't know how to use oversea services.

Most of the hackathons in China don't have the enough revenue to run. They seldom have support from Big Tech like Tencent, Alibaba, Baidu or ByteDance, except for those launched by Big Tech. So there is far less hackathons here in China, and is reasonable why the hackathons in China is poor and low-quality: it just hard to launch new one.

Hasty is evil

Maybe this is not a special one in China, the hackathon oversea is also. But I still wanna say: lots of people are hasty here.

When I join in AdventureX 2025, you could hear at least five people here are drop out, or just don't care school work, just for join hackahton or embrace innovation. Everyone seems want to be next Elon, Jobs, Gates, want to build something great, but hardly sit for a single thing to do.

This won't just be a home for old writings. Just putting a few things here while I shutter some internet presences. Writings anonymised and in one place. Lovely.

#notes #december2025

Yesterday I watched a game of chess. This was the third game between two people: one homeless, the other suspended 20 to 30 feet above the Earth in a small perspex box near Tower Bridge. The score was one all.

The man in the box was renowned magician and levitator David Blaine. His latest trick, Above the Below, is to go 44 days without food in said box, thereby besting Jesus’ world record by four days.

I see Blaine’s opponent, Francois Greeff, at about 10 in the morning. A large chessboard plastic pieces is laid out. On it it says U R NOT ALONE.

Greeff strides into the field of play, an apparently ordinary gent in a suit. He carries a sign. “Hidden Disability is the Prime Cause of Homelessness”. Blaine acknowledges with a friendly wave.

Like many — maybe all — people affected by homelessness, Greeff is not the stereotype.. Most passers-by will see a man in a suit looking intently at a chess board. If they speak to him they’ll hear a well-spoken South African accent. Upon closer inspection, though: the tattered suitcase, fraying suit, laceless shoes.

After weighing down the mat — autumn is putting in an appearance, it seems — the game begins. Greeff hides two large pawns behind his back. Pointing, Blaine chooses. He’ll play white.

The ranks and files of the board are labelled in duct tape, 1 to 8 and A to H. Greeff and Blaine have developed a simple but effective sign language. Blaine raises a hand to indicate he’s ready to move. This gesture differs only slightly from the friendly but lethargic wave to visitors. Greeff acknowledges with a wave of his own.

Blaine holds up some fingers, corresponding to the rank where the piece he wants to move sits. If there’s more than one, Greeff points to a piece with a broomstick. Blaine wags a finger, and then points left or right. Before long it’s thumbs-up.

Next, Blaine holds up some fingers to show how many squares he wants to move. This time Greeff picks up Blaine’s piece puts it down in the various possibilities. Blaine responds either thumbs up or thumbs down. It’s all great fun to watch.

Blaine plans his moves with pen and paper. His attention only moves to the giant board as Greeff makes his grandiose moves. Blaine communicates alertly, keenly and seems generally normal. (This was at the time that some of his TV appearances were borderline catatonic.)

It’s played out in public, but this is a personal battle for Greeff. He doesn’t want help. He insists that you don’t point at the board when you speak to him, in case Blaine interprets this as taking advice. Otherwise, he’s happy to talk.

“There’s no doubt about it, there’s a real man up there”, he says to passers by who question whether Blaine’s stunt is somehow a trick. “You know when you arm-wrestle, you can feel the resistance and strength of your opponent? This game is the same. I can feel the strength and resistance of David’s mind.” Greeff’s mind isn’t too shabby either. Later I’d find out he’s written a guide to cryptic crosswords.

The game lasts six or seven hours. Sometimes there are errors. Blaine gives away a bishop cheaply in the opening phase. But these are players in unusual circumstances. David Blaine hasn’t eaten for 15 days. Greeff’s story is different. “My cause is more important than my name, so please refer to me as The Hidden Disability Guy, his website says.

Blaine takes longer to move than Greeff. Maybe he just wants to the entertainment to last. Most days there’ll be no game of chess. There’ll just be people waving, or make guerilla documentaries. On a bad day, people throw things.

Mid-afternoon the storm comes. Greeff, equipped with umbrella, continues undeterred. Later he tells me he’s pleased that it rained. As visitors hurry for cover, Greeff is resolved.

Greeff wins between 4 and 5pm. He’s nibbled away at Blaine’s material the whole game. Under-prepared, I watch the end game from the cover of City Hall.

Greeff eventually gives up the umbrella — too windy. He packs up his things with the help of a wobbly associate, dancing to the tune of Special Brew.

Later, I bumped into Greeff at London Bridge station. I congratulated him on his victory, two games to one. He’d arrange to get some pictures from the hipster media types, but he was skeptical that the media proper would be interested. I suggested the internet may be different. Encouraged, Greeff gave me a sticker with his contact details.

“Email me, but make sure you tell me who you are and where I spoke to you”, he said. “I have a disability that affects my memory.” Shaking hands, we parted ways. I went north, The Hidden Disability Guy went south.

#notes #september2003

Hace tiempo, cuando acumulé la suficiente fuerza para ello, me vi un video sobre las tradwives que me interesaba. La autora no es santo de mi devoción, ni la sigo ni nada, pero quería escuchar el discurso. Centra su video en recordarle a la gente que las tradwives son una performance, y no debería usarse como manual de ama de casa. Aún así me siento violenta y molesta porque se reitera con frecuencia que “muy bien por ellas, que hacen mucho dinero con su actuación, una forma más de trabajo y performance”. No, muy bien por ellas no, el hecho de que su performance mueva dinero no la hace más legítima (quizás lo empeore aún más, si cabe). La responsabilidad sobre lo que proyectan sigue estando ahí, no sobrecae solamente en las mujeres cansadas y enganchadas al scroll infinito de sus respectivas aplicaciones (por lo general) privativas. Destaco esto último porque es fácil que el algoritmo de estas apps enganchen una búsqueda de un perfil de mujer que consista en “tips para cocinar” o “tips para calmar a tu bebé” en una ola de tradwives.

Hay cosas de toda esta retórica de mujer ama de casa (más allá del movimiento tradwife) que me resulta muy complejo. Hay una asociación automática del cuidado del hogar con su contraposición, girl-boss creo que se llama popularmente, basada en la idea de excelencia y esfuerzo en el entorno laboral.

Escoge tu veneno.

Al rebuscar esos espacios que están entre ambos conceptos, me he visto en un aprieto. Cuando he leído a Adrienne Rich hablar de la casa y la maternidad en Nacemos de mujer, me he sentido tan violenta que he tenido que frenar. La maternidad se presenta como un yugo en el que se mezcla el amor por una criatura y el odio a todo lo demás que representa cuidarla. No puedo leerlo ahora mismo.

Cuando he leído a Vivian Gornick en Apegos feroces, empiezo a ver varios “registros” de mujer en la casa y veo reflejos de eso que busco, pero de nuevo el patriarcado deslumbra siempre en ese papel. Por ejemplo narrando como su madre se quedaba en la casa pese a haber empezado un trabajo porque su marido (pese a ser activo en círculos de izquierda de mediados de siglo XX en EEUU) sentía agresividad en la idea de que su hija se criase sin una madre constantemente en la casa.

Saltamos entonces, entre otros, a Ir más allá de la piel, escritos de Federici, donde por fin encuentro textos que sitúan el cuerpo, la mujer, la maternidad y el hogar desde otra mirada. Voy a destacar un parrafito que me llegó como una bocanada de aire:

(…) Y la maternidad podría no ser un acto performativo de género, sino entenderse como una decisión política e instauradora de valores. En una sociedad autónoma y autogobernada, este tipo de decisiones se tomaría teniendo en cuenta el bienestar colectivo, los recursos disponibles y la preservación de la riqueza natural. (…) la decisión de tener un hijo también debe contemplarse como una negativa a permitir que los planificadores capitalistas decidan quién puede vivir y quién tiene que morir o ni siquiera llegar a nacer.

Subrayo con el lápiz “podría no ser un acto performativo de género”, satisfecha. Ahí empiezo a encontrarme. Desde los feminismos hemos hablado tanto de cuidar y criar como una sentencia, que cuidar y criar parece el camino malo. Si bien es cierto que por lo general, la independencia económica ayuda a las mujeres a sortear algunos caminos de opresión (por ejemplo la diferencia de poder y su respectiva exposición a la violencia que supone depender de un hombre, pareja o familia), ensalzar la figura del trabajo solo sustituye una prisión por otra.

Volviendo al tema de las tradwives, leí en algún lado la frase “si es lo que quieren, no hay nada de malo”, acompañado de algún comentario sobre las feministas queriendo imponer elecciones vitales sobre las mujeres. Aquí hay varios puntos a destacar. Para empezar, casi todos estos videos (me he tenido que ver algunos o parte de ellos, poco a poco porque si no era una tortura emocional y mental) comentan algo en la línea de “mi marido me ha pedido X, y yo hago su deseo realidad porque él paga las facturas”, y por cierto, no he encontrado tampoco ningún tipo de reciprocidad de “él hace X por mí porque me quiere mucho” o similar. Hay una posición muy clara promovida en esos videos: el hombre (siempre hombre) que se supone que es mi pareja sentimental, es mi jefe. Mi vida doméstica y emocional son un anexo de su vida, él es el protagonista. Dentro de esto, algunas actúan mostrando algún tipo de cuidado (por lo general absurdamente sacrificado) a sus criaturas. Sea como fuere, este tipo de discurso sólo tiene sentido en un contexto que se asume patriarcal y poniendo el centro en quién pone el dinero (que se asume sin rechistar que es un hombre). Por lo tanto, ya de primeras eso de “libertad de decisión” necesita muchas comillas.

Por otro lado la proyección activa de ese rol a través de las redes está promocionando que la mujer (en general y sin avisos de ningún tipo sobre que están haciendo una performance) acepte ese papel. Lo romantiza, y lo eleva a una imagen que puede distar mucho de lo que realmente era tradicionalmente una mujer, su hogar y su familia. Quiero aclarar con esto último, no me refiero a que esta realidad fuera más atractiva ni mucho menos, si no destacar que no hay una búsqueda real sobre tradiciones o una investigación sobre la mujer de hace generaciones. Es sólo una selección muy concreta de fantasías: cocina, maternidad sacrificada (incluso en situaciones que no requerirían de sacrificio) y sumisión a la figura masculina. Generalmente acompañado también de una estética concreta de ropa y estilo.

En este espacio tan violento, ¿cómo encuentra una referencias para criar desde los feminismos? Pareciera que el simple hecho de criar y cuidar ya viene asociado a “rendirse” al patriarcado, si una escucha los ecos de las redes.

He estado luchando contra esta marea desde el momento en el que me quedé embarazada. Si buscaba referencias, videos, artículos, etc sobre crianza, era un auténtico campo de minas. Ese video cuqui que te enseña una receta interesante y esa madre que te explica como ha hecho un juego sensorial para su bebé, puede saltarte de pronto con una postura fantasiosa tradwife y te hace sospechar o, peor aún, dudar sobre ti misma. “Yo sólo quería cuidar y enseñarle el mundo a otra personita”, es lo que me he repetido muchas veces desde hace un año y algo. De pronto me he visto empujada a una situación en la que el trabajo se ve con otros ojos, y los roles de género que ya resonaban de antes a lo lejos ahora son campanazos diarios. No quería asumir ese papel de girl-boss pero tampoco actuar como madre sacrificada que se queda en la casa.

Para mi la respuesta ha sido una mezcla de varias cosas, como no tener cuenta en redes tipo Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, etc. Pero principalmente juntarme con otras madres. La soledad, el cansancio y la falta de tiempo facilitan que cualquier mensaje simple y fantasioso envenene la proyección de la realidad. Sin embargo juntarme y hablar con otras mujeres (que, irónicamente, es algo que sí ha hecho en otras generaciones), me ha ayudado a encontrar esa crianza de la que habla Federici. También, en mi caso, tener una pareja sensibilizada que ha hecho su búsqueda, estudio y trabajo personal en paralelo al mío para compensar esas cosas que el patriarcado asume de nuestra relación, como el hecho de que él sea una suerte de jefe.

Tener una red de apoyo fuera y dentro de la familia afecta también a ese concepto de sacrificio, y me hace pensar que si no llego y otras llegan, mi hija se beneficia de mi salud emocional y mental, así como de contar indirectamente de más amor a parte del mio. Mi hija sigue siendo mi hija, pero por ella se preocupan (y diferentes medidas) toda una comunidad, seleccionada con cuidado por su padre y por mí. En este descubrimiento de la crianza también caben muchas más posibilidades (quedarse o no en casa, en que medida, de qué manera, por ejemplo, sin que esto sea agresivo ni me haga dudar de mi apoyo a los feminismos. Los configura de una forma más abierta y realista.

Los cuidados como parte de esa proyección de sociedad amable, no como una soga patriarcal. Son una acción que rota. Un día mi pareja me cuida, otro le cuido yo, y así entre les dos, cuidamos a nuestra hija. A veces me siento perdida, pero otras madres tienen la experiencia que buscaba para encontrarme. La respuesta -para mí- estaba en la comunidad, y en salir de esa red de soledad, de individualismo envenenado que promocionan esas redes.

Las tradwife solo son actrices que se aprovechan de ese veneno tan lucrativo.

La crianza y los cuidados no son exclusivos de sus fantasías.

Y eso será lo que le muestre a mi hija.

JOURNAL 4 deécembre 2025

Les psy aujourd'hui m'ont dit que j'étais tout au bord de la falaise mais faut pas que j’aie peur de sauter. Je connais déjà la réponse et je ne veux pas l'accepter parce que ça va inévitablement me questionner après sur moi-même, et je ne veux pas. Et c’est vrai, je sais ce soir qu’ils ont raison. J’y ai bien réfléchi depuis. Oui ça y est, je sais, et je n’ai pas envie d’aller plus loin. Et je sais qu’il va bien falloir le faire, et A sera à mon côté. Mais je ne veux pas le faire tout de suite. Je veux d'abord un gros câlin, gros gros gros, je veux pas descendre au fond.